Five Tool Tool - The Sports Blog That Loves You Back

How Can This Be A Throwback Jersey...

2012-01-27T01:46:00.004-05:00

when it matches a team (the ABA Memphis Tams) that has absolutely nothing in common with the NBA team it represents?

If the Grizz wants to go with throwback duds, they need to say Vancouver on them. And I'm reasonably certain that Big Country Reeves and Shareef Abdur-Rahim are available. Along with everyone else who ever played for the Vancouver Grizz, seeing how they are living under bridges.

It's as if the Eagles came out dressed as the Philadelphia Stars of the USFL. Which, well, I'd be perfectly fine with, seeing how that's the only football team in my town that has won a championship in my lifetime. (And no, arena football is not football.)

But well, if it someone gets anyone in the world to actually buy Memphis NBA swag, then so be it. And by the way, the Memphis Tams were owned by Charlie Finley, of Oakland A's fame. You guessed that, right?

The Orlando Magic Let The Monsters Live

2012-01-27T01:15:00.004-05:00

So about a week ago, I had real hope that time had finally ran out on my least favorite basketball team on the planet, your Boston Celtics. They had just lost to the Suns at home, losing Rajon Rondo to injury in the process. They were 5-9, losers of 6 of their last 7, and even their five wins were weak, seeing how they had only beaten terrible teams (Detroit, Washington, New Jersey and Toronto), and were 1-3 on the road, meaning that they had frittered away many of their home games already. They were out of the playoff picture, and competing with teams like Cleveland and New York (i.e., folks with a little more hope in terms of returning players and/or hot rooks) for the last spot.

I had such dreams. A sub .500 Boston team, in-fighting from the Old 3, the entire New England area forgetting all about them in the wake of their football team, hockey club and impending baseball season, and the rare and wonderful sight of an NBA year where I didn't have to watch that laundry at all.

And then... they won a game in Wasington where Paul Pierce came up big late. Well, OK, everyone beats the Wiz; you can't get too worried about that. They still didn't have Rondo, it was going to be oh... Orlando. Who scored a franchise-low 56 points in the first truly encouraging game for Celtic Fan all year, as Rondo-replacement Avery Bradley went full-court on every play on PG Jameer Nelson, and more or less willed his team to win through sheer, unrelenting and tireless effort. Dammit. Then tonight, in the return game in Orlando, the homeown Magic were up and rolling... until Nelson went down with an injury, the big lead got wiped, and the Celtics left town with another big win. They are 8-9 now, very much alive in the #7 seed, in the rear-view window as the most credible divisonal opponent to my Sixers, and absolutely relevant.

They've also found money in Brandon Bass, who gives them a better alternative than Big Baby Davis; only the Celtics win when another team signs away their talent. Bradley has earned burn for the rest of the year, and will keep Rondo fresh later, along with keeping him from coming back too soon and reinjuring himself. The injuries have gotten them to force-feed Mikael Pietrus into longer minutes, and he's doing really good things for them. Chris Wilcox and Marquis Daniels look credible now, so in the blink of a week, they've developed a bench. There's still time for the week to turn ugly with road games in Indy and Cleveland, but they've got That Look about them again. and with a 5-game homestand to start February, things are going to get closer in the East with a quickness, and above .500 soon. They are going to be fine.

Oh, and once they are above .500, and get back Rondo? It's going to go well for them. The sprint schedule aids teams with defensive intensity who caan take advantage of a lack of prior scouting and practice, since their schemes are fairly unique. It's also aiding teams with true home court advantages, and so long as the Celtics are winning and on the rise, they will get that as well.

And to think, we were so close to joy. Orlando, I hope you lose Dwight Howard now, and that you get back as little as New Orleans has for their superstar. You deserve it, for letting these basketball vampires out of the crypt. (And no, I won't consider it even better if my Sixers take them out later, because I'll still be *watching the Celtics.* You never let Dracula out of the coffin. Or the Celtics get into the second half of the year with hope.)

Seven things I think I know about the 2012 NBA

2012-01-26T01:23:00.003-05:00

Thanks to the sprint schedule from the utterly unnecessary lockout, we're already at a point in the season, just one month in, that team records are really starting to matter. Also, some other trends are beginning to emerge. Here's what I'm seeing so far.

7) The East is better than the West.

At the top level, it's Miami and Chicago with Oklahoma City, so that's 2-1 for the East. On the second level, it's Indy, Philly, Orlando and Atlanta against both LA teams, Denver and San Antonio, and as the points below show, young legs win out. On the bottom level, the East just has fewer godawful teams (really, just Charlotte and Washington, and after Michael Jordan's performance in the lockout, I'd like to see the Hornets lose every game until he's dead), while the West makes the world look at Sacramento, Golden State and New Orleans. It's close, really, but pound for pound, I think the East is better. And that's true for the first time in, well, decades.

6) Clippers-Lakers is the league's next great rivalry.

I've seen all of these games courtesy of NBA TV, and they've been riveting in the extreme. The Lakers are much more of a grit and fingernails team under Mike Brown, especially after giving away Lamar Odom and crippling their bench. (Longest streak under 100 points in 20 years for this club, and now 11-8. Not exactly Showtime.) The Clippers are still figuring themselves out, especially with Chris Paul having injury issues, but Caron Butler looks like his old useful self, and having Chauncey Billups land here has been huge. These teams also have some definitive snarl to them, and the Staples crowd marks out huge for these games. I'd love to see them meet in the playoffs. It would be outstanding ball, and lots of it.

5) Home court means a lot more.

Not so much for crowd noise, which is still entirely hit or miss, but from simple fatigue and player management. If you have a team in the middle of back to backs, or a 3 games in 4 nights string, and the opponent doesn't need every game to keep the coach employed... you can win some games in the league now just from the calendar.

4) Old legs are not good legs.

Look at Dallas, Boston and the Lakers, the three most established teams in the Association -- they just don't look good. At all. Neither does Phoenix, who rely on Steve Nash and Grant Hill, otherwise known as 75+ years of basketball player, for a lot. If you don't have youth in your rotation, rather than just your bench, it's going to cost you for playoff position. Fast.

3) Random absences are common.

I've played fantasy hoop for a decade, and I've never had a year in which my guys have missed more games than this one. The only saving grace? That's true of every other team, too. You get the sense that guys are just taking games off without any kind of stigma now, or just as a precaution from management. It's frustrating, but understandable.

2) The officiating has also suffered.

You might not think that a crunched schedule would matter to the zebras, but it does. I've seen a lot more in the way of choppy play, questionable technicals and iffy flagrant calls, along with the usual assortment of erratic standards and all-star exemptions. I try not to call attention to this because it's pretty hack and not something that's very actionable, and it will probably improve in the playoffs. But for now, it's pretty bad.

1) The game is, somehow, even better.

Maybe I'm just viewing the Association through the happy haze that is my Sixers actually having some hope. Maybe I'm just so happy to have some sports in my life that doesn't devolve around the New York / New England circle jerk. Maybe I just love the fact that things have been shaken up a bit, and that young, deep, athletic and starless teams that get turned into hamburger in the playoffs might actually have a chance this time around.

But independent of all that, consider this fact. Basketball is played on six continents. The NBA is the best basketball league in the world, with the greatest coaching, arenas, rules and officiating. I get that many people like college ball, enjoy young people who seem uncorrupted by money, love the ferocity of the crowds and the excitement of the tournament. But I'll say this: if you like college ball but hate the pros, you don't really like basketball. You just like to root for your team.

I watched a truly terrible Wizards team this week in a Sunday matinee against the Celtics. (It was on before the NFL playoff games.) They were playing for a dead coach walking. They were playing in front of a dead crowd, in a lost season, against a team (Boston) that even their fans will admit is not exactly prone to artistry. And yet I was still into it, because John Wall is oddly fascinating (he does everything, but does he do it in a winning way?), Nick Young is a pure shooter that seems like he might have utility in some role and team, even though he's plainly terrible for them... and Paul Pierce still has more basketball IQ and production out of his talents than anyone else in his generation. I could go on, but won't. And when it got to crunch time? It was hard for me to turn away from it to watch Patriots-Ravens. A playoff game that decided the AFC's rep in the Super Bowl, versus the final minutes of a game between two teams that I really don't care about.

It's a great game. I'm sorry if you don't see it. And the further we get away from the lockout, the better it's going to get. Ball don't lie.

Top 10 reasons why the NFL extended Roger Goodell

2012-01-26T00:28:00.001-05:00

10) Want to make sure he's there for the next lockout

9) Only way to keep the league safe from Pac Man Jones' shenanigans in the long run

8) There was nothing else happening today, and there's always the possibility that some other sport might actually get coverage

7) Love what he's done to eliminate defense and kickoffs in our lifetime

6) The Patriots told them to do it

5) Impressed by his ability to keep getting the NFL Plus markets into the Super Bowl

4) The $1 salary he took during the lockout impressed the owners very much, since none of them have cared about salary in decades either

3) Afraid that if they didn't extend him, he'd fine them for some infinitesimal uniform violation

2) His willingness to shaft the retired and concussed appeals to their sense of decency and trust

1) Has a collection of photographs, videos, audio files, animal husbandry tools and personal mementos that redefine the phrase "criminally actionable evidence"

Top 10 reasons why the Wizards fired Flip Saunders

2012-01-25T00:23:00.001-05:00

10) Realized this morning that they were employing Flip Saunders

9) He was failing to get defense and ball-sharing from selfless players like Nick Young, Andray Blatch and JaVale McGee

8) Going 2-15 is a solid two wins off the pace that their high standards demand

7) When you have the opportunity to hire a Randy Wittman, it really doesn't matter who you have to whack to do it

6) Only way to prevent Saunders' suicide was to prevent him from watching any more of this team

5) After previous stops in Minnesota and Detroit, Saunders could never get comfortable with the small-town media spotlight and limited dining options of the District

4) Unlike every surviving Wizard fan. not ready to tank the year

3) Didn't approve of him benching McGee for the only Wizard play that anyone will remember in the 2011-12 season

2) Wanted him to be more of a disciplinarian, which was hard for him, seeing how he really stopped giving a damn in the second half of the opening game

1) Both of the Wizards fans asked the club to make the move

Top 10 reasons why Prince Fielder signed with the Tigers

2012-01-25T00:20:00.002-05:00

10) The Red Sox, Yankees, Phillies and Angels already have big money first basemen

9) Gives him the opportunity to ruin dad's legacy, for good or ill

8) Only way to ensure that he never has to face Justin Verlander

7) After so many years in Milwaukee, thinks Detroit is a comparative cosmopolitan metropolis

6) Wants to be part of a 1-2 punch with Miguel Cabrera, on a near-lock division winner, and still be utterly ignored by the national media

5) Convinced that Comerica Park can't hold him, or has a secret fetish for cat statues

4) Always wanted his own city, and at Detroit's current real estate prices, he can afford it

3) Just can't stand Packer Fan, so going to their only credible division rival was the natural choice

2) Told that there were some really good vegetarian restaurants in town, along with a great number of other lies

1) Um, they paid him a staggering amount of money

A fan base that deserves so much more

2012-01-24T01:44:00.001-05:00

So tonight I fired up NBA TV after a late workout, as part of my Emerging Sanity Boycott of the World Wide Lemur. The Association's channel gave me the Golden State Warriors at home against the Memphis Grizzlies, and one more look into a franchise that might abuse a fan base more than any other.

Here's what happened in this game: the Warriors led from 2-0 into the wee minutes of the game. They held a 20-point lead in the fourth quarter. And then they pissed it all away with 9 turnovers (9!) in the final stanza, with all of those turnovers leading to 16 fast break points for the road team, and a disquieting loss in a season filled with them. This year's Warrior club is, like so many, driven by high usage guards. Tonight's goat was Monta Ellis, who fired up a corner three against Marc Gasol, rather than find a number of open shooters at the arc, but you could also lay it on Stephen Curry, who can't talk about rust when your decision making in the fourth is this poor. Memphis shot 37% from the floor in the first half. They don't have Zach Randolph, aka their best player. They didn't play worth a damn for about 40 minutes tonight. And they won anyway, because that's just what happens when you play the Warriors.

But that's really not the thing to note about this game. Rather, I'd like to speak about Warrior Fan, who might be the best fan base in the Association that has gotten the very least for their money. With seconds left to go and the Warriors needing miracles after a disaster quarter, they were still there, hissing the Grizz, riding the refs, praying for misses. On a Monday night, against a team with no cachet.

Year after year, they show up and fill the stadium. Year after year, they buy into the high draft pick, the new coach, the hope that this could be the year that they finally learn how to finish, or have a bench, or stay healthy. Year after year and game after game, they show up and give their team volume, energy and heart. And year after year, they get hosed.

You can keep Celtic Fan, who deserted the team in the bad '90s when the team was Paul Pierce and Antoine Walker seeing who could be more selfish. Laker Fan is seemingly ready to toss his tickets over for the new look Clippers. Detroit Basketball used to be fierce, but isn't anymore. Philly has never been a pro hoop town. Indiana and Sacramento used to be incredibly tough places to play, but not so much any more. There are only two fan bases, really, that come whether the team is good or bad, and mark out for pro hoop more than any other game. That's New York and Oakland. And maybe that's why the ownership has been so bad, since it's not as if they have to put a good product on the court to get paid.

Anyway... the ownership is new. They've got legitimate injury woes, seemingly all on the guys with size. Even good new coaches -- and no, I'm not giving that status to Cookie Monster Marc Jackson yet -- can struggle for a year or two, until their defensive concepts and rotations take hold. If Curry can somehow shake the injury bug, and if Ellis can ever get to the point of making his teammates better rather than just get theirs, maybe there's hope. Heaven knows that the fan base believes. And I'd really like to see them rewarded for it.

80 Giants - Niners Takeaways

2012-01-22T23:21:00.002-05:00

Just an epic game, so we're going long...

80) Jim Harbaugh really enjoys hitting QB Alex Smith on the shoulder pads, almost as much as Fox enjoys televising it

79) The first quarter block by Joe Staley on Jason Pierre-Paul was all kinds of manly, and got the Niners their initial first down

78) I bet the over on the number of times that Joe Buck discussed the coldness and wetness, and got paid off easily

77) It didn't take long for Giants Fan to scream "Crooooze", but they didn't sound as loud as they did in Green Bay

76) Troy Aikmann told us that when the running game isn't working and the Niners are getting no pass rush anyway, the Giants have to keep running it anyway for some reason

75) The first time the Niners got pressure on QB Eli Manning was the first third down they defended, which isn't exactly a coincidence

74) Fox really enjoys turning up the volume on their telecasts coming out of commercial

73) TE Vernon Davis was clearly saving himself for the post-season, and enjoys 15 yard pedestals

72) S Antrel Rolle might want to start talking less in pre-game, especially when he's chasing guys into the end zone

71) Ed Hochuli enjoys mic time, but might not have the tongue skills for it

70) The overhead cameras clearly needed wipers and defoggers

69) RB Brandon Jacobs continues to be a tremendously overrated short yardage option

68) The Giants missed a golden opportunity on a badly executed reverse, as Osi Umenyiora whiffed on the fumble recovery, and that kind of play hasn't happened to Blue for months

67) The ball that Smith nearly had picked at the end of the first quarter looked Tebow-esque

66) Rain in HD is nearly as much fun as snow

65) The 36-yard connection to Cruz might be as far as Manning can throw it in these conditions

64) This postseason is the best that Eli has ever played, and it's really not close to second place

63) The throw to Bear Pascoe for the score shows Eli will use anyone in the passing game, regardless of the snicker value of the player's name

62) You have to be impressed by the Niners' ability to turn the rain off while on offense

61) Davis was flagged for 15 yards on a play where the Niners had beef over an OL getting his helmet removed

60) At this point in their careers, Smith might have more straight line speed than RB Frank Gore

59) The Giants didn't jump on a fourth and 2, because that play never works (unless you need to clinch a game against the Eagles)

58) New York seemed oddly fixated on Travis Beckham, considering how many better options they had in the passing game

57) The Harbaugh family really doesn't go for aggression before halftime

56) Cruz bailed out his QB repeatedly in the two-minute drill

55)) Watching Eli's little dance before taking a delay of game penalty looked familiar to me, in that I've potty-trained daughters

54) It really is a treat to watch a defense where the first player to touch the runner tackles him

53) The Pierre-Paul sack made Buck achieve orgasm, which is to say, Buck reacted the way he usually does

52) Smith is clearly athletic enough to not get late hit flags

51) The Aaron Ross penalty for a first down was basically the equivalent of a defensive turnover, and clearly energized the Niners

50) Justin Tuck was fortunate to not give up another first down on a 50/50 running into / roughing the passer flag

49) For a team with conservative play calling and no WRs, the Niners have some quick-strike capability, at least as long as you let Davis run clear

48) You will be shocked to discover this, but when Eli has to deal with pressure, he's a remarkably less effective QB

47) Aikmann's rooting for the Giants started to get pretty blatant, even by the usual Fox standards

46) The Niner defense was not called for a brutal hit on a defenseless defender

45) Chris Canty gave the Niners 15 yards for something silly, which is to say, he gave them their biggest offensive play that wasn't a touchdown to Davis

44) The Niners held a lead in the fourth quarter despite going 0-for-8 on third down, which is downright hard to do

43) Harbaugh took an intentional delay penalty to give P Andy Lee the change to use his full leg and pin the Giants deep... only to watch him chunk it to just the 20-yard-line anyway

42) The Niners' DL really started to anticipate the snap late, and Eli really never adjusted

41) The HD slo-mo of Manning getting sacked with 11:30 left was kind of pornographic, not that I'm complaining too much

40) Kyle Williams' muffed punt should have been a Giants touchdown, as well as a play that the PR never gets near

39) The idea that who goes to the Super Bowl in the NFC depended on the availability of Ted Ginn Jr. boggles the mind, really

38) Manning to Manningham for the go-ahead score was the WR's first catch of the day, the biggest catch of his life, and more or less perfect

37) Williams nearly redeemed himself with a big kickoff returner, which was a nice reminder to the NFL that kickoff returns that aren't touchbacks are kind of fun

36) The Giant defense clearly has an issue with mobile QBs

35) The 49er line blocking on the 18-yard run by Kendall Hunter was pancake-riffic, and made the Giants' defense look like it needed a standing 8-count

34) Smith's low ball fake with six minutes left was downright goofy

33) 54 minutes without a third down conversion and tied in a conference championship game just does not compute

32) It would have been nice to have this David Akers last year

31) The three and out by the Niners was downright beastly, but the Giants 3 and out came with a big yardage sack, so it was more beastly

30) Lee's first really good punt of the day came when the Niners really needed it

29) You'd never guess we were in a pass-wacky age from the way these defenses played late in the game

28) The Giants were clearly bailed out by the non-fumble call on Bradshaw, and yes, that's the biggest New York media market conspiracy call of the game

27) The back to back 3-and-outs when the Giants had a chance to win in regulation won't do much for Eli's candidacy for Elite QB Status

26) Shawn Weatherford equalled Lee for the Punter Es Muy Macho side bet

25) I'm told that Michael Crabtree played in this game, but it's hard to see the evidence

24) The Niner 3-and-out that took 20 seconds off the clock will also not do much for Smith's candidacy for Isn't Just A Game Manager With One Legendary Day status

23) Manning to Bradshaw for the big gain showed courage and touch befitting of Elite status

22) Manning to Bradshaw for the small gain showed mobility and awareness that's better than his brother

21) Credit where due: the coverage on the third down throw to Cruz that could have ended the game was spectacular

20) No matter what the situation, Smith is ready to settle for a check down

19) Tuck got away with a helmet to helmet hit on Smith with 4 seconds left that could have made things a little more interesting

18) As if New England needed any more breaks this year, they'll play a team that had to go to extra time in the last game

17) At some point, Akers might not have enough energy to get a touchback, but that might not be until Monday

16) At the start of overtime, for the second time today, the Niner DBs prevented each other from making a big pick

15) Why NY is throwing to a guy who did not have a catch in the regular season on an overtime third down is beyond me

14) Watching both of these QBs blow opportunities to end the game was like watching a heads up poker game where the small blind always folds

13) Encroachment against the defense with 10:15 left in overtime is another one of those Hmm Media Market moments, and inspired Ahman Brooks to nearly remove Eli's arm

12) Justin Smith finally got into the sack parade at a pretty important time

11) Seriously, Kyle Williams should just go live in a leper colony with Billy Cundiff

10) Redskin Fan is kind of sick over the fact that Devin Thomas is finally helping a team win games

9) The nation's gamblers who had NY -3 desperately wanted Bradshaw to score the clinching touchdown, rather than settle for the figgie

8) The idea that a game as good as this one had to end over a muffed punt was nearly as unsatisfying as the earlier missed field goal

7) Icing the kicker doesn't make much sense when the offense is taking a delay of game

6) Eli knew the play clock better than Coughlin, which is funny in retrospect

5) Never in the history of humanity have so many people been so happy to go to Indianapolis in February

4) Weatherford and Tynes coped with a low snap, which makes him heroic, or at least, more clutch than Tony Romo

3) Niner Fan can console themselves with the fact that, well, they can go right back to doubting Smith again

2) All in all, not a very good day for the Harbaugh family

1) We have achieved Nightmare, just as you knew we would

50 Ravens - Patriots Takeaways

2012-01-22T18:13:00.002-05:00

50) Both teams went three and out on their opening draft, proving that both teams will lose

49) On DT Vince Wilfork's first quarter sack, every Ravens receiver was open, which didn't exactly inspire confidence in QB Joe Flacco's abilities

48) When the Patriots change formations, it's really interesting to Phil Simms, because he's rarely watched football

47) The Patriots went to no-huddle, because it allowed them to get more snaps for Julian Edelman, and as this game showed, it's all about him

46) Bernard Pollard's pick was wiped out by a flag, on the off chance that you didn't think NE was going to get questionable calls

45) Watching Brady get sacked never gets old, or sadly, common

44) Nothing makes analysts happier than when the QB completes a lot of passes to different receivers, since it shows how smart and team-oriented they are, and prevents any of those uppity WRS from getting hero numbers

43) The first three Ravens' possessions all started at the 20 yard line without a return play, because life is just better with constant touchbacks

42) Baltimore had as many first downs in the first 10+ minutes as Houston, New Orleans, Green Bay and Denver combined

41) Lardarius Webb's pick was one of the best catches you'll ever see by a DB

40) Flacco's rollout throw to WR Torrey Smith showed that, yes, the Patriots' secondary is still bad

39) Jim Harbaugh called for a chip shot figgie rather than go for it on fourth and 1, proving that he doesn't have the guts to lose in an unconventional way

38) The Patriots' answering touchdown was done almost entirely with the running game, which would never happen if the Ray Lewis that the media fellates were still alive

37) Ray Rice used his super Smurf powers to convert a red zone first down that was worth four points

36) You could have made some real coin with the idea that the first TD to a TE would go to Dennis Pitta

35) In the first half, Flacco was the best QB on the field, and it wasn't even close

34) The missed connection to Smith on the deep ball late in the second quarter was one of those mistakes you can't make as a road team and win

33) NE kept getting pressure with 3-man rushes, which really should not happen

32) Ed Dickson's failure to convert a catchable 3rd and 2 cost the Ravens at least 3 points, and was one of those yada yada

31) NE took a knee with a minute left and two timeouts, which showed more respect for the Ravens' defense than was warranted

30) Chad Ochocinco was inactive for this game due to personal reasons, as if the professional ones weren't good enough

29) On third and long, Baltimore was still too intimidated by Brady's ability against blitzes to bring extra people

28) When Brady and Lewis talk trash after a play, it's not taunting, because both players are very, very famous

27) Aaron Hernandez exposed S Bernard Pollard on a red-zone first down, recalling the days when he was the #1 TE

26) On third and two from the seven, NE ran Ben Jarvus Gree-Ellis off tackle and settled for the figgie

25) The Ravens' first kickoff runback was so unexpected, it causes a brawl

24) When things get chippy, as they inevitably do in games like this, it's always hard to tell if the announcers are excited or ashamed

23) Lee Evans was clearly saving his numbers for the games that matter

22) It's not helmet to helmet if you hit a TE, even if the TE is white

21) Smith's screen for a touchdown was the Ravens' first lead of the game, and sign that this was going to go the distance in drama

20) Danny Woodhead stopped being plucky and lovable when he coughed up the third quarter kickoff

19) Flacco actually looks fleet of foot against this defense

18) Baltimore isn't good at covering kicks, which isn't a winning sign for their future defense

17) Simms praised Baltimore for disguising a blitz on a play that went for big yards

16) Rob Gronkowski's ankle bent in a way that all kinds of gross

15) Any team that faces the Patriots should employ Pollard just for the hope of gruesome and important injury

14) Baltimore fell asleep on the possibility of a QB sneak for a TD one play after nearly giving up a QB sneak for a TD

13) Given his proficiency at an advanced age, maybe Ricky Williams' opinions on marijuana smoking should be given more credence

12) The fullback position is dying, but no one has told Vonta Leach

11) CBS praised Flacco's poise late in the game as he made handoffs, one play before a crushing INT

10) CB Jimmy Smith's pick on the next play was better than the Webb pick, and as big of a play as you can get

9) The next time the Ravens are on the cusp of tying a playoff game with three minutes left, they might think about blocking Wilfork

8) While Green-Ellis may have never fumbled, going backwards on the snap before the two minute drill wasn't a big help either

7) On the third and four that was had to have, NE went empty backfield and gave Brady time, but S Ed Reed made a perfect play to deny Hernandez, in a quiet moment of perfection

6) P Zoltan Meskow's kick to Webb was pretty awful, but the coverage prevented a big play

5) Pitta failing to get out of bounds should have killed any chance of Baltimore winning this in regulation, but Anquan Boldin had other ideas

4) Perhaps putting Edelman on Boldin in crunch time might not have been the best idea

3) Evans was half a second away from winning this game for Baltimore

2) Moore got away with DPI a play after breaking up the Evans catch

1) Billy Cundiff's tombstone can be written in advance, and given that he works in Baltimore, that might happen quickly

Only in a home game

2012-01-21T07:26:00.004-05:00

A Poker Diary that's not so much about poker? Yeah, like that ever happens.

So I'm in the deep stack tournament at my routine home game last night. I catch Ace-King off-suit in late position, and I'm a little scared of running a coin flip with it, so I just call the min raise, rather than push. One of my regulars, a player who's one of our steadier and more dangerous guys, makes the call. The flop gives me an ace, no flush and no straight draws. I make a half the pot sized bet, and get my regular as the only caller. The turn is another seeming blank, so I raise the bet steadily, hoping to squeeze him out of the hand... and he shoves. For something like 95% of my stack.

Well, damn. Time to think this one out. I ask for a count, and determine the size of the hole I'm about to go down into. There's a lot in the pot already, and if I call and lose, I'd be down to a 5K stack that will leave me crippled, since the starting stacks are 20K. So the question really comes down to whether or not he also has an ace, and might have caught two pair, or if he's got trips... or air. Air is a possibility. A knockout would make me the chip leader at my table. Think, think, think...

And then my kids enter the room, to say good night and get a quick hug. And they are, of course, adorable in their pajamas, and cheerful and oblivious to the timing, and unphased by the 20-odd people in the room. I am not, of course, going to chastise them in public for coming down at this key moment; they are oblivious, and I want them to stay that way. So I return the hug, but tell them they've got to go... and since they are 6 and 11 and that way, they both need multiple hugs and want to perform in public. My table, of course, is laughing or expressing sympathy to me for the timing of the visit, and out of the corner of my eye, I see my opponent has pulled his hoodie tight and put his head down.

Hmm.

Laughing? No... Seems like... he's got a hand. And feels a tinge of consciousness over taking all of my chips with the move that will seem like a bluff. I don't like my ace now; I don't like it one bit.

I fold the hand face up, and he's kind enough to show me trip 2s, which means I was drawing stone cold dead, since an ace on the river that gives me trips would give him a boat. For 95% of my stack. And sure, I might have folded the hand anyway, but still.

Now, if I could just bring my kids, in pajamas, to the casino floor for key decision moments like this. (Ok, no. And by writing this, I've also blown their effectiveness for my next game. The things I do for my readers...)

Top 10 reasons why Santonio Holmes is staying in New York

2012-01-20T00:37:00.004-05:00

According to Jets' owner Woody Johnson, Quitter / WR Holmes will be back for the 2012 season. As always, FTT has the inside reasons behind a questionable decision. (Beyond the obvious point that they agree with him about the QB...)

10) As always in this town, it's more about the back page tabloids than actual football

9) The other WRs are actually worse than a guy giving no effort

8) Don't want to make things too easy on embattled QB Mark Sanchez

7) Can't admit that they lost the trade with the Steelers that brought him here

6) Somehow think that Holmes' ability to perform in close and late game excuses everything else

5) Can't possibly figure out how they'd replace 51 catches for 654 yards

4) Believe that leadership is all about carrying jewelry from being part of a championship team, years and years ago

3) Treasures the man's ability to somehow keep the club in the public eye, even with the Giants still alive

2) If they let go of every overrated guy who has been a distraction and given up on the team, wouldn't have enough players to practice, or have a coach

3) $7.5 million per year just doesn't go as far as it used to

Conference Championship Picks: Random Acts Of Gambling

2012-01-19T02:08:00.003-05:00

So I was talking about football with the guy who finished second in my points league, who is also loving life and football because his 49ers are in the final 4 after 10+ years in the wilderness. To him, this is a golden age of football, where his team came through with a could not be denied win against a very dangerous Saints team, and he feels like he's got the world figured out.

I couldn't be further away from his position, of course.

To me, the year almost can't end fast enough. I find myself having to fight to remain awake and interested during games, and this has been true for *months*. My roto team stunk, my laundry hurt me bad, and worst of all... the game changed. For the worse.

I don't mean to rain on Niner and Raven Fan's parade... but their teams won last week because the ball bounced the right way on a handful of plays. (You've heard of these plays. They are called turnovers.) Giant Fan is living the second once-in-a-lifetime run in the past five years, which more or less makes my Eagle Fan blood boil with envy. It also doesn't hurt that where I live is middle ground between Philly and New York, so when Blue goes on a run, the car flags sprout like mushrooms. The Patriots might still be in the situation where they have not yet beaten a good team this year. And you'd have to say they are overwhelming favorites to win it all again.

You understand how I've had better times watching football.

But that, of course, doesn't matter at all to the pure business of picking games and making money. And there is money to be made here, folks. Money from embracing the inevitable, money from looking into the abyss and laughing, money from knowing that what the world and the league wants, the world and the league will get.

And with that... on to the picks!

* * * * *

BALTIMORE at New England (-9)

The case for Baltimore: They are 13-4 for a reason. They've got a defense that has smacked New England around before. They can make plays in special teams. They have the best RB left in the playoffs in Ray Rice. They won't struggle nearly as badly on offense this week, because the NE DL isn't half as good as Houston's. They've won on the road in the playoffs before. The secondary is highly opportunistic, and has a prayer of covering the tight ends. They aren't afraid. Last week could have been more about rust than anything else. They come into this game with relatively low expectations, and a clear "No One Believes In Us" vibe that's real. Can always play that last playoff game in Foxborough playoff tape for inspiration.

The case against Baltimore: If you take away Rice, the offense is pretty terrible. QB Joe Flacco was awful last week. Play-calling gets away from Rice way too easily. The pass rush is more rumor and reputation than reality. The secondary gambles and can be beaten. The coaching tends toward bravado and gambling. The team loses composure easily in the face of home-field officiating. They employ an ancient kicker, which makes long field goals an adventure. WRs don't get separation, and the TEs don't make enough plays. No one believes in them for cause. If not for Houston being down to a QB that will never start another NFL game again, they'd be home.

The case for New England: Just look unstoppable on offense right now. Employ the only coach left with multiple rings and the courage to use his best personnel regardless of convention (witness the TE running game). Defense finally looks competent. Home field at this level is pretty huge. Have the only QB left in the tournament that can pretty much win a game by himself. Ducked a karma bullet when TE Aaron Hernandez, concussed while taking a red zone carry in the fourth quarter of last week's Denver blowout, recovered quickly enough to make this game. Receive more than a few calls per game that makes you wonder if the NFL is invested in their success. Have been here before, but not for so long that there is any danger of complacency. Have generally handled Baltimore... except, of course, for that last playoff game against them.

The case against New England: Due to playing the NFC East and their own division, they haven't played a team with a winning record since Week 9 (!)... and that was a loss to the Giants, following another loss to the Steelers. So, unbelievably, they do not have a win this year against a team with a winning record. This kind of team -- all offense, dependent on passing, with a suspect defense -- has historically fallen apart under playoff pressure. The win last week against Denver was their first playoff victory in years and years. The WRs are nothing special, and the RBs are hit and miss. Brady can be handled with a strong internal pass rush, as he doesn't generally have the footspeed to prolong plays like he used to. He's also had fumble issues this year.

The pick: Baltimore to cover, but not to win. The line is about a field goal too high for me to feel good about, and the Ravens are going to be able to run the ball and keep the chains moving with the screen game. But they won't avoid big penalties, late turnovers, and won't be able to keep the Patriots under 30. But at least it will be a game.

New England 31, Baltimore 24

NEW YORK at San Francisco (-3)

The case for New York: Arguably the hottest team in the league right now. The best set of WRs left in the tournament. Won convincingly on the road against the #1 seed last week. Getting huge push from the DL, with DE Jason Pierre Paul becoming the dominant force at his position. The secondary has gotten better with health, and the LBs aren't making the big mistakes that were killing them earlier in the year. Special teams aren't making mistakes. QB Eli Manning is playing, by far, the best ball of his life. RB Ahmad Bradshaw can make plays, and RB Brandon Jacobs can put away leads. They've been here before, and have played their best playoff football on the road.

The case against New York: Running game can struggle, and ball security can be a problem. The WRs are historically prone to drops, though you'd never guess it from the past month. They don't get that much out of the TE, and the OL can struggle, especially with speed rushers. The defense can lose containment on mobile QBs, and they've struggled against pass-catching TEs this year. At some point, they've got to start losing 50-50 fumble recoveries, and it's hard to imagine that the defensive unit that was killing them for 3/4ths of the year won't re-emerge. Special teams are pretty ordinary.

The case for San Francisco: Home field is huge for them. Playing with house money, since even they probably didn't expect to be here, and especially not at home. TE Vernon Davis is a real matchup problem for the Giants. The running game is patient and productive, especially in the short yardage situations that the Giants have dominated in their two playoff wins. QB Alex Smith made some legitimately great plays last week, and really does seem to have turned a career corner. The defense is the best left in the tournament by a wide margin, and absolutely ends the opponent in the running game, especially in the red zone. Unlike most road games, the fan base is engaged and affluent enough to prevent the 15-33% Road Fan composition that routinely helps the Giants and other huge market teams. Beat this team in the regular season, in a game that most dismissed at the time, but was proven on the merits later. Have K David Akers, who is having the year of his life, and P Andy Lee, who is the best guy working who is not named Shane Lechler.

The case against San Francisco: Needed a shootout ending and some borderline miracles to win a home game against an opponent that was turning the ball over constantly. The offense can disappear for quarters at a time. Smith can take bad sacks trying to prolong plays, and has years of bad memories threatening to come up again if they fall behind. The WRs are some of the worst in the league, and clearly the worst unit of any team left in the playoffs. Coaching has never been here before, and might be a little too full of themselves after things like that Smith bootleg for the score; it would not shock me at all if they outsmart themselves and come in with gadget plays, onside kicks, and other rigamarole that compromises field position and ball security. Just because they survived one shootout does not mean they will survive another.

The pick: My seond-worst nightmare Super Bowl (behind only Dallas-New England) happens again, as the Giants stay close in the first half, take a lead in the third, and put it away late. That is, of course, if the Niners avoid turnovers... and if they don't, it'll get ugly. Either way, New York covers, and I spend the next two weeks watching the NBA. A lot.

New York 24, San Francisco 16

Last week: 1-3

Year to date: 135-119-8

Career: 540-524-25

70 Years Old, And Still Unbelievable

2012-01-18T00:22:00.001-05:00

This blog does not concern itself much with boxing, of course. That sport has long since had its day, and while there's probably something to be said for the relative kindness of that sport towards its practitioners, as opposed to the human cockfight UFC stuff, it's not as if I regret the current crop of NFL tight ends and NBA power forwards, which is to say where the great heavyweight champions have gone.

It's also very, very true that boxing works best in the memory, rather than the reality. The reality is that you are lucky to see one good fight a year, and that the reason why people still love the old fighters is that there hasn't really been as nearly as good of a fight since. While other sports have advanced and exploded with advanced training, better diets, and (of course) drug use, boxing is still about styles making fights; if the combatants are not suited, it's going to look like a train wreck. Ali's, of course, rarely did, and never did in the memory. That's the reason why the cognoscenti went for him.

The public, of course, was buying something entirely different. And it's amazing to me how many people claim to love him now, as opposed to how many people well and truly hated him then. When I was a child, growing up in the Philadelphia suburbs, I didn't know a single person that rooted for Ali. Maybe that was part of the regional affection for Joe Frazier, but most of it was just people responding to Ali's heel wrestler schtick, which seems almost comical today that people well and truly bought into it.

The greatest of all time turned 70 years old today, having outlived Joe Frazier, bobbed and weaved past Parkinson's (to date), and floated out of the public eye through the careful massage from his handlers and his adoring media. The world has changed more in his lifetime than seems possible. There is no wartime draft to avoid to demonize him in the eyes of more than half of America. There is an appreciation of showmanship that's borderline unhealthy. His sport lies in perhaps irreparable disrepair, and might never recover a tenth of its former luster.

But when you watch him work the room, or an entire nation in "When We Were Kings"... it's all real, live, current and forever.

No matter what you feel about him, you will give me this: there will never be another like him.

And really, is there a better compliment that you can give to a man?

Top 10 reasons why Jeff Fisher chose St. Louis over Miami

2012-01-16T23:52:00.001-05:00

10) Does not want to feel self-conscious about his late middle age spread or lack of manscaping

9) After so many years in the AFC, really wanted to go to some actual cities on his road games

8) Knows that a defense-first .500 record will get him deified in St. Louis and canned in three years in Miami

7) Now that Tony LaRussa has left town, he's the sexiest man in town

6) At 53, isn't quite right for 4pm dinner buffets or STDs, and in Miami, there's no middle ground

5) Has been told the team's secret plan to move back to Los Angeles

4) Can't pass up the chance to join the long line of guys who wasted Steven Jackson's career

3) After years of facing that white-hot media spotlight in Nashville, thinks he can handle the bright lights of St. Louis

2) Prefers the potential of Sam Bradford to be a career disappointment to the certainty of Matt Moore's career disappointment

1) Making the playoffs in the NFC West just might be a wee bit easier than the AFC East

50 Giants - Packers Takeaways

2012-01-15T19:59:00.003-05:00

50) Wasting a timeout one minute in, with 14 seconds left on the clock, does not speak to winning road work, but when you leave WRs wide open on third and 8, it probably won't matter

49) The "Cruz" chant shows that many Packer Fans took the money and stayed home, but New York money probably covers your mortgage for a year in Green Bay, so who are we to judge

48 Randall Cobb's fumble on the ensuing kickoff was such a blown call, Mike McCarty didn't want to have to actually drop the red flag

47) The Giants got away with a 15-yard flag for a shot on Jermichael Finley, proving that a defenseless receiver is dependent on the size of the offensive player

46) Rodgers missed a wide-open Greg Jennings to settle for a long field goal, which feels like a turnover when you have the Green Bay defense

45) The Hakeem Nicks touchdown demonstrates, yet again, how bad tackling has become all over the league... but the protection and route were also excellent

44) I don't normally go for conspiracy theories against New York teams, but that Greg Jennings non-fumble ruling was pretty whine-worthy

43) Green Bay tried an onside kick, mostly to limit the Giants' time of possession and punish America, which has mostly stopped paying attention to kickoffs now that they are touchback-riffic

42) Why Eli threw to Devin Thomas on third down when he had Nicks, Cruz and Manningham is beyond me

41) It's really almost unfair that Rodgers has mobility and moves on scrambles, given his other gifts, and the keeper blown shotgun draw shows that he might be faster than James Starks

40) Joe Buck segued from a man facing death to "Napoleon Dynamite" in a sequence that defied parody

39) I'm not saying that Eli had time to eat lunch in the pocket on the second quarter out to Cruz, but there was catering and a wine list

38) AJ Hawk is lucky that Eli flinched, or his helmet would have been rung up for a 15 yard penalty and fine

37) If you are ever convinced that Eli is an Elite QB, consider the hits he takes without roughing the passer flags

36) Eli's only pick, to Morgan Burnett, was a clear mistake under pressure from the Giants QB, but given where they were on the field and the down and distance, not all that meaningful

35) The John Kuhn fumble might end those chants for the day, and was a heck of a time for him to break his fumble cherry

34) Nicks absolutely abused Sam Shields to set up first and goal, because that's what #1 WRs do

33) Kickers in the postseason are now 2-0 when they can hit the crossbar on kickoffs

32) It's more or less impossible to sack Rodgers now without a belt celebration

31) Fox felt it necessary to show an A/B face shot of Tom Coughlin to demonstrate relative cold

30) Green Bay let Ahmed Bradshaw run 40 yards, 25 of it from side to side, rather than stop a last second scoring opportunity

29) The Hail Mary touchdown to Nicks at the end of the half was fairly easy, considering how the WR was open all along, and had no one in front of him to alter the line of sight

28) The third and five to Donald Driver for a first, where Rodgers made a blown assignment miss and then hit the WR between three guys, was otherworldly

27) Jennings could not have been more open in the end zone on the Osi Umenyiora's strip play, but that's just what happens when the Giants go on postseason runs

26) At some point, we have to recognize the reality that the Giants' defense bears little resemblance to the guys who played for the first 14.5 weeks, and that it coincides with improving health

25) If you want to beat the Packers, hit them hard enough so that the drops become common

24) Starks made back to back plays that showed great feet for a big man, or why he's got tons more upside than Grant

23) Jennings didn't make the catch on a perfect ball in the end zone for drop #7, and one that cost the Packers four points

22) No one throws away a ball with more disgust than Eli Manning

21) It's good that Joe Buck called out when the Packers blitz, since there's no other way to know that it's happening

20) Rodgers reaches for first downs better than any of the Packer RBs

19) If you want to stop the Pack passing game, taking away Jordy Nelson is the first priority

18) In the post-mortem of Green Bay's loss, the consecutive plays where Rodgers and Finley could not connect, followed by the fourth down sack, will loom large indeed

17) The Giants got their initial first down of the second half with 11:30 left in the game -- no, seriously

16) The Ryan Grant fumble should be the last play he makes as a Packer

15) The Giants really missed an opportunity by waiting to score, rather than just throwing a touchdown right away to Mario Manningham

14) Umenyiora got called for a 15-yard bailout flag that Buck called huge, as if the Pack was coming back from 17 down with 6 minutes left in a game where they got their heads kicked in

13) It's clear that Joe Philbin's son being alive was the only thing that led the Packer WRs from dropping a million balls

12) Regardless of the weekend's results, I'd rather start a franchise with Rodgers or Brees than any other player in the NFL

11) Rodgers to Driver for a touchdown was poor awareness from Boley, and the Packers QB finding the one WR that didn't have drop issues today

10) Cruz's biggest play of the day was recovering the onside kick with 4:45 left, and the last missed Packer opportunity

9) Buck chastised Green Bay for the onside kick, because he doesn't remember the last two times the defense was on the field, or just how bad the Giants had made them look for most of the game

8) You can pretty much stick a fork in Charles Woodson now, as that clinching third down pass to Cruz showed

7) Bradshaw for 24 was a moment when BJ Raji tried more for the ball than the man, which is to say, when the Packer defense was more about prayer than anything else

6) Jacobs' official role on this team seems to be touchdown runs when the game is no longer in doubt

5) Deon Grant's pick for the defense's fourth takeaway of the day gave Giant Fan the ability to be heard clearly amidst the otherwise deserted Lambeau stands

4) It's clear now that the Packers' home-field playoff advantage is a distant memory

3) Independent of the drops and turnovers, New York was the much better team today, which is what happens when you win by 17 on the road

2) We got to see Coughlin and Jacobs smile at the end of the telecast, which might be the first time that either man has been televised doing that

1) There are three weeks and counting from Patriots-Giants II, and if you'd like to stop watching the NFL now rather than go through that again, I completely understand

Top 10 NFL Divisional Playoff Sunday Ad Questions

2012-01-15T16:19:00.002-05:00

10) Do I have to roll my car to get attention from a Nationwide rep?

9) Are Honda buyers all about to go through life-shattering changes?

8) What do we, as Americans, have to do to stop further sequels to the discount double check ads?

7) Can I shop at Office Max without being accosted by damn dirty apes?

6) Why are the fast food eaters with explosive obesity in Subway's universe all outdoors and active?

5) How often do the elderly ping-pong grifters get to hustle for fast food, and why don't they play for money instead?

4) If I sign up for Verizon internet access, will I have to talk to my sexual predator neighbors?

3) Has anyone ever actually been made fun of in a business meeting for using a pen?

2) If you retire to chip golf balls into your pool, isn't that an iron-clad sign of senility?

1) Are Jeep drivers required to go places in winter that do not have roads, and if so, why?

50 Texans - Ravens Takeaways

2012-01-15T16:11:00.002-05:00

50) If I could pay extra for a telecast that did not have player pre-game hype routines, I'd do it in a heartbeat

49) The game started with one of those things called a kickoff runback, which I'm told used to be an exciting and common play in football

48) The Jacoby Jones fumble that set up the go-ahead Ravens' touchdown was one of those mistakes, in a weekend filled with them, that a road team just can't make

47) When your game plan is Foster run, Foster screen, Andre Johnson crossing route, you aren't exactly killing them with deception

46) CBS covered the Joe Flacco "controversy" about his lack of respect might have been a distraction, but that implies that anyone respects Flacco enough to listen to his interviews in the first place

45) The Yates pick by Ladarius Webb showed that he only wants to throw to Johnson, which would become something of a trend, really

44) Flacco to Anquan Boldin for the touchdown was ho-hum perfect

43) It's very important for us to consider Yates' age on third down, since that's the only down it comes into play

42) On the had to stop them red zone down, the Ravens rushed three and were never in any danger of giving up the score

41) So long as Houston scores field goals instead of touchdowns, they will hear a strong number of cliches that no football fan with a functioning cerebellum needs to hear

40) Baltimore Fan likes to play dress up, CBS likes to televise them, and we need to know what the wind was like days before the game started

39) Houston is so uninteresting, the slightly askew hair of Connor Barwin counts as big color

38) Flacco answered his critics by doing his very best Trent Dilfer imitation

37) Foster's dance down the sideline was so good, John Harbaugh needed to challenge it and see it again

36) The size of the holes in obvious run situations in the second quarter is making me think the Patriots are going to have a good time next week

35) Foster's catch of Yates' panicky screen was unreal, and worth at least four points

34) The fact that Foster ran for a score on a goal-line give after a timeout tells you all you need to know about the Texans' ability to run the ball, and the Ravens' ability to stop it

33) Every time someone scores against the Ravens, we are required by law to film Ray Lewis stomping off in a huff

32) Ricky Williams is still alive and capable of running for four yards

31) The national television audience was mystified by this offensive innovation called a "running play"

30) Boldin's catch on a fly route showed that you can still be a highly regarded NFL WR without getting any separation at all

29) Considering that they are on the road and facing an experienced QB, there's a very real chance that the Texans have a better defense than the Ravens

28) The JJ Watt sack was worth at leas three points, and showed one of the reasons why Flacco doesn't get much respect, seeing how he wasn't aware enough of that fact

27) The real bottom line of this first half is that neither of these QBs is good enough to win on the road in New England

26) If you need a QB to wait long enough to get sacked, Flacco is your man

25) I'm not sure that there's a worse punt returner in the NFL than Jacoby Jones

24) Foster became the first RB ever to run for 100 yards against the Ravens, which would be more impressive if the Ravens had been in existence for a long time

23) Giving the ball to Ray Rice tends to work better when you don't always do it on the same downs, in the same places, with the same lack of blocking

22) You know your offense is stagnant when a 14-yard screen on 3rd-and-19 gets the media mouth job

21) To Dan Dierdorf, a hot read slant off a blitz that hits the WR in the hands is a bad throw

20) Rackers missed a 50-yard figgie in the most humiliating way possible

19) The Lee Evans catch reminded Ravens Fans that Evans was on the team

18) While I'd like to chastise the Ravens for the lack of originality in a dive play to Rice on fourth and goal, that was also a huge play by the defense

17) The unit that deserves to advance more than any other is the Houston defense

16) It's hard to overstate the value of Foster to this team, especially considering that they barely used Ben Tate today at all

15) Screen passes when your offensive line hasn't given up a sack and is running the ball well speaks to Kubiak's genius

14) Judging by Webb's second pick of the day, it's not clear that Yates has the ability to see color

13) Flacco became "slippery" in the pocket after the first 54 minutes of being very sticky

12) The Ravens had no penalties or turnovers, home field advantage, and were opposing a special teams and QB that couldn't avoid giveaways, and were still in an absolute dogfight

11) CBS was able to find a crying Texans fan, which is always important in the wee minutes

10) Houston calling a timeout inspired two incompletions and a spectacular amount of time on the clock for Houston

9) Had Harbaugh kicked the field goal from the 1, Cundiff's 44-yard figgie with 2:52 left would have iced the game

8) If there is anything more predictable than post-whistle shoving at a Ravens game, I haven't seen it

7) I understand Terrell Suggs played in this game, but it's just a rumor

6) Ed Reed at the two minute mark for the clinching pick was a terrible play by Yates, but good God in heaven, give it up for the man's sense of place and timing

5) There's no way the Texans lose this game if they had Matt Scahaub, and maybe even Matt Leinart

4) The Texans' defense stopping the Ravens again to give their offense one last shot was downright manly

3) I'm reasonably certain that we've just watched the last start of Yates' NFL career

2) Reed had to be carried off after the final meaningful play of the game, on the off chance that Ravens Fan might have felt good about the win and non-cover

1) You will all forgive New England Fan for planning their Super Bowl trip

40 (Days In The Desert Of) Broncos - Patriots Takeaways

2012-01-14T23:31:00.002-05:00

40) The TE draw is a play we are going to see a lot more of in the near future, seeing how TEs now rule the earth

39) It took 110 seconds for me to seriously regret that Denver to cover bet

38) Wes Welker looked like he was auditioning for his own video game avatar after his first quarter touchdown catch

37) Tim Tebow scrambled for 13 yards and made his first good play of a day a quarter earlier than he did against Pittsburgh

36) Willis McGahee looked spry and healthy, two things he generally isn't

35) The Tebow fumble and New England recovery was another sign that Jebus wasn't watching this game

34) You'd never know, from the first half of the first quarter of this game, that the Denver defense was the strength of this team

33) Rob Gronkowski has unfair hands for a man his size

32) If not for the Quincy Carter pick of Tom Brady to give the Broncos a short field, this would have been over even faster than it was

31) Demaryius Thomas converted a third down in the red zone, which is to say he's still the only real WR threat on this team

30) Joe Mays dropped a fairly easy pick opportunity, which would have been pretty damn huge

29) Zoltan Mesko is so good at pinning opponents inside the 20, he doesn't need coverage teams

28) There's a reason why the option hasn't ever worked at the pro level

27) There's conservative, there's John Fox conservative, and then there's John Fox conservative with a shaky QB on the road into the wind

26) Gronkowski got away with a clear push off on his Brady's third TD, not that anyone has ever called the Patriots on that at home

25) Tebow's subsequent three and out was punctuated by a Focus on the Family ad, in case you had forgotten that he was brought to us by Jebus

24) Phil Simms likes 3rd and 20 draws when you are down 14 points on the road against an offense that has turned your team to cheese, since big plays and defensive penalties never happen

23) Deion Branch got away with a clear push off on Brady's fourth TD, not that anyone has ever called the Patriots on that at home

22) Simms and Jim Nance actually got around to discussing this push-off only ten minutes after it happened

21) When the Bronco wideouts drop catchable balls, this Bronco team is truly hosed

20) Simms praised the Patriot defense, ranked 31st in football, for unforced drop errors by the offense

19) Contrary to the evidence shown in this game, Denver actually rushed the passer at times this year

18) I'll be honest with you, I missed good chunks of this game to napping, putting Christmas decorations away, reading my kids to sleep and other aspects of ordinary life that had far more drama than this

17) The Broncos' idea of a hurry-up offense is to ask the RB to try to get out of bounds

16) In a few years, we'll look back on this game as the ending of a hard to believe fad

15) I'd like to personally thank the Patriots for showing the world that when God abandons you, He does it with a vengeance

14) Tebow runs backward into sacks more often than any QB in NFL history

13) Denver kicked a field goal with 17 minutes left and down by 35 points, so that they could get it to four scores

12) Up huge and against a team with no history of personal animosity, the Patriots left in all of their starters, ran a no-huddle offense, passed 2/3rds of the time, called QB sneaks with Brady, and all but dared the gods of karma to strike them down with knee injuries

11) Clearly, God is more interested in punishing those heathens in Pittsburgh than the virtuous, pious, humble and kind citizens of Massachusetts

10) Simms excused the Patriots for running up the score with front-line starters taking big hits as evidence that they just cared more about playing the game, which is to say, he excused their evil as a sign of their stupidity

9) Down 45-10 with 8 minutes left, Lance Ball absolutely destroyed a CB on a downfield run by Thomas, which is one of those He Gives A Crap moments that you just have to feel kindly toward, if you are a Bronco Fan that somehow watched this long without putting your head in an oven

8) Tebow reacts as badly to failure when down by 32 points as he does any other time

7) It's such a shame that Aaron Hernandez got hurt, but concussions are just going to happen when you play the game to win... by using your #2 TE on a goal line carry while up 32 points in the fourth quarter

6) Brady's quick kick with three minutes left prompted a massive brawl, which is going to make for a very awkward post-game prayer huddle

5) Realistically, this game could have gone to kneeldowns at halftime

4) Brady and Bill Belichick now have the most postseason wins of any coach and QB tandem in NFL history, which just goes to show you that there's always a downside to crushing the dreams of religious zealots

3) With a minute left, Jim Nantz cautioned all of the Tebow haters to watch themselves, since he's clearly going to rise again

2) Brady left the field without talking to Tebow, since Brady only associates with football players / his touch would have burned him

1) It's the first Patriots playoff win since 2007, so the Massholes are about to go from insufferable to Beyond Insufferable

50 NFC Divisional Playoff: Niners-Saints Takeaways

2012-01-14T20:36:00.002-05:00

50) Count "Wow, I'm glad the Fox 3-man team with Tony Siragusa is doing this game" as another sentence that has never been heard in English

49) The hit on Pierre Thomas and subsequent fumble more of less changed the entire game and season

48) It's only helmet to helmet if the offensive player is a QB or WR

47) That's the Vernon Davis that I overpaid for in fantasy football, and in other news, I hate Vernon Davis

46) If you want a game to get away from you, fumbling the kickoff after giving up a touchdown is pretty solid

45) Down 17-0 after 17 minutes, Darren Sproles was initially ruled a fumble and overturned, which was one of those game-saving calls

44) Saints Fan is getting pretty tired of losing as a favorite on the road to the NFC West champion

43) Jimmy Graham recovered from an early injury to catch Brees' first touchdown of the game, absorbed a head hit, and spiked with earthbound anger to make it a game

42) Just in case we couldn't guess that 62 degrees, sunny and no wind is good weather, Siragusa confirmed it

41) The Saints forcing a three and out on the next possession didn't exactly keep Niner Fan from fearing the big comeback

40) Adrian Arrington is so inexperienced as a Saints WR, he didn't even know to over-demonstrate what down it was after a big drive-sustaining catch

39) The Niners have the kind of defense that makes you wonder if Sproles will survive the game

38) The Brees to Colston touchdown was absolute perfection, and one of those plays that makes a defense feel futile

37) Siragusa praised the Saints' DL for tipping a ball that they didn't actually tip

36) On consecutive plays, Michael Crabtree proved he's no Darius Heyward-Bey

35) The arm punt pick "tackle" by Devery Henderson on Terrell Brown wa a 25-yard play

34) Andy Lee has had better halfs, and that's meaningful when you operate with as little margin for the error as the Niners do

33) Both teams furiously gave up chances to score before the end of the half, just to ensure that a close final score could be traced back to these moments of regret

32) The Niners had a +4 turnover half at home, and only led by 3 at the half, which was noted by every single broadcaster covering the game

31) Malcolm Jenkins made a perfect pass defense and a sack to force a punt, proving once more that Smith doesn't have much in the way of elusiveness

30) As good as Sproles looked last week, that's as bad as he looked this week, and that fumbled punt was just a killer

29) Siragusa praised Brees for knowing where Sproles was on a screen pass, as if the play required telepathy, rather than a knowledge of the play book

28) The Niners chose to try an end around, followed by a backwards RB lateral to the QB, rather than try to, well, run the damn ball when the running game was working

27) Carlos Rogers made a perfect play on a deep ball to Arrington, which meant that, in this era of football, he was lucky to avoid DPI

26) On second thought, perhaps Niner Fan does remember how to cheer loud after all

25) The Saints receivers either got separation off the line or not at all, and throwing at Rogers really didn't make a lot of sense

24) Ted Ginn Jr. was called for an obvious pick on a play that was also probably intentional grounding, then fell down as if he was shot

23) The next play was the exact same flag, which isn't a sequence you should see at the high school level, let alone the NFL

22) The Saints clearly missed Thomas in this game, as Chris Ivory just isn't the same caliber of RB

21) Colston has the numbers and look of a #1WR, but true #1s make the seam route not-touchdown pass early in the fourth

20) John Kasey hit a 48-yard figgie, which is the longest in Saints' postseason history, which kind of tells you that their postseason history is not extensive

19) Patrick Robinson dropped a gift INT that would have provided 40+ yards of field position

18) After 49 minutes, a defensive line should not dominate the way the Niners did against a team that throws as much as the Saints

17) You really can't play DE a lot better than Justin Smith did in this game

16) When the Niners finally gave Gore a carry, he went for 42 and a near game-ending gallop

15) The Gore deflection catch was one more instance of how the bounces were going the Niners' way

14) Had this David Akers kicked for the Eagles last year, he'd still be in town, and the Packers might not be defending champions

13) When you stop the Saints from going deep, they are a lot less terrifying

12) You'd never know, from Brees' body language and line calls, that he had gotten the crap beaten out of him today

11) On third and one, the Saints ran Sproles into the middle and got it, mostly because they didn't spend forever in setting up the play

10) With just one play, Sproles nearly redeemed his whole damn day

9) Seriously, words can't express how much Vernon Davis killed me this year, and then he has a game like this

8) Harbaugh is such a genius, he had 12 men in the huddle in crunch time, just to set the Saints up for that crazy good Smith bootleg touchdown run

7) Had Smith pulled a Brian Westbrook at the 2, this game would have ended with a lot less drama

6) The Jimmy Graham touchdown was all kinds of crazy manly, and one more proof, not that you needed it, that TEs now rule the earth

5) The throw from Smith to Davis for the game-winning score reminded me, seriously, of Steve Young to Terrell Owens to beat the Packers, with the exception that Davis remained conscious

4) Having this many lead changes in the last five minutes of a game can't be good for the heart

3) This game was so good, I almost didn't mind blowing my bet and having Davis rub in his awful year in my face

2) With this performance, Smith can go back to sucking for 2-3 years and still keep the starting job

1) If the Niners have to go on the road next week, they are losing (unless, of course, they have a ridiculous edge in turnovers again)

It's The Spontaneous Lobster Trick

2012-01-14T01:08:00.003-05:00

The title and video has nothing to do with this post, which means it has about as much in common as the World Wide Lemur's coverage of the NBA. But unlike the World Wide Lemur, the Rudy Schwartz Project gives me joy. Much joy.

Anyway... as I was saying, 'm watching the World Wide Lemur tonight. I'm not proud of it, but that's the price for being a pro hoop fan. In that game, I see the Heat get run into the ground for their third straight road loss, to the less than terrifying Warriors-Clippers-Nuggets gauntlet. Late in the fourth, they also lost Dwyane Wade, also known as their second-best player and the only guy who looks comfortable in close and late situations. And in the halftime analysis, the chucklehead talk was... how the East is all about them and the Bulls, who won in Boston tonight and clearly look like the best team in the East, and how the teams are clearly thinking about home court advantage at this point.

Which led me to check the standings in the east. Here they are.

Chicago 11-2
Orlando 8-3
Philadelphia 8-3
Indiana 8-3
Atlanta 8-4
Miami 8-4
New York 6-5
Cleveland 5-6
Boston 4-6
Milwaukee 4-7
Toronto 4-8
Detroit 3-9
New Jersey 3-9
Charlotte 2-10
Washington 1-10

Now, I get that Miami has talent, and is the defending conference champion, and has the dubious advantage of having all of their games on national television. But they are also consistent Wade injuries -- and it's not as if the guy has never avoided those in his past, or that the sprint schedule has been keeping people healthy. And if he's not right or 100%... well, I'm having a hard time seeing how they are the second-best team in the East. Seeing how they are just the sixth best team right now.

Oh, and you know who might be the second best team in the East? My Sixers. They did what you are supposed to do against a terrible Wizards team tonight, which is to say they tore them apart and cleared the bench so that they'll be able to do it again tomorrow night. When Spencer Hawes has been on the floor -- yes, seriously, Spencer Hawes has been one of the five best centers in the league this year -- they have been one of the most efficient clubs in the Association. When Jodie Meeks is hitting the open threes that have been his to take all year long, they are actually dominant, since the defense has been as good as you will see in the pro game. (Really. Jrue Holiday and Andre Iguodala are lockdown, Elton Brand has always been good at that end, and when they go to the bench and bring in Thaddeus Young, they might be bringing in the best defensive wing player in the league right now.)

I realize that this might be surprising or news to the national audience, of course. Why? Because the Lemur did not even show the team's highlights in this one, despite the fact that the Knicks look wildly vulnerable due to the Carmelo Anthony and Baron Davis injuries, and the Celtics just looking old and awful for wide stretches. They might get the easy path to nothing less than a #3 seed, and a relatively easy first round opponent.

But why cover results, or the scoreboard, when we can service the players and media markets we always service?

NFL Round 2 Playoff Picks: Now It's Serious

2012-01-13T02:22:00.003-05:00

In some ways, this is the week that the playoffs really start. There are no teams that have just managed to win a weak division with no other reason to be here. The best teams are playing. Home field matters a lot. Everyone is watching every game. There are no more byes now, and everyone gets a good look to see if the favorites are really all that.

And yet, this is the week where you can still get well and truly exposed (see the 2010 Atlanta Falcons). Lose this week, and no one considers it a moral victory, or the sad end of a great year. It's just an opportunity lost, the confirmation that your organization, coach or talent isn't up to snuff, and something that you are going to be bitter about, if you root for the laundry.

And in other ways, of course, this is bullsquat. Elimination games in the regular season have the same desperate energy for the players as elimination games in the postseason, and if you think you are going to see a more back-and-forth or exciting game than last weeks' Steelers-Broncos, just because we're through to the final eight... well, probably not. But we can always hope, if for no other reason that these are the only games available, and if they are all dogs, that's no fun at all.

And with that... on to the picks!

* * * * *

NEW ORLEANS at San Francisco (+4)

In past years, of course, this line would make everyone wonder what the hell is up. The (much) better defensive team, at home, with a bye... and they are a four point dog? To a dome team that has frequently struggled on slow tracks or in wet conditions (see last year's loss in Seattle)... but then you actually look at the players and situation, and the points look like a bargain.

The Saints have playoff experience all over the roster, and a bunch of players with Super Bowl rings. They've got the QB with the most passing yards in one season in NFL history, and a RB (Pierre Thomas) who looks back to his old electric self. They've got a defense that isn't very good, but isn't bad at forcing turnovers, especially when they are ahead. They've got the coach that got them their ring, played in a much better division, and have solid special teams.

As for the Niners, they have issues beyond the experience factor. They have struggled all year long to score touchdowns in the red zone. They have a coach that has never been here before, and a home crowd that hasn't had a real game to root for in the better part of a decade. That home field isn't as loud as it could be, given that it's open-air and an affluent crowd that doesn't scream as if their lives depend on it. And while their defense is outstanding, that's mostly been against the run, against teams that aren't that great. In this game, where Drew Brees is going to put it in the air 50+ times, they aren't going to be able to get pressure late; every defense wears out over time. And once they start giving Brees time, they'll lose; either through Brees picking them apart, or from him hitting the hot read against a blitz.

The way to beat the Saints is to get a lead and get off the field, to save your legs for late. The Niner offense doesn't score touchdowns enough to do the former, and the Saints are hitting on too many cylinders for the latter. It will be a close for a while... and then it won't.

Saints 34, Niners 23

DENVER at New England (-14)

When you watch the tape of the Bronco-Patriot game from earlier this year, it's awfully telling. To recap, the Tebows got off to a big lead with a first quarter where they ran for 200+ yards, then failed to sustain drives, avoid turnovers, and eventually got turned into hamburger by the Patriot onslaught. And on the road in a game where they look like they are playing with house money, against a presumptive favorite, it should just be a runaway for everyone who doesn't believe in divine intervention, right?

Not so fast. This Patriot team has a very bad habit of falling behind to bad teams; they did that for the last four games of the schedule. They've also got a surprising habit of not blowing out clubs; the Colts covered on the road when they were winless. So there's just all kinds of ways to get to the back door cover here, from the Patriots having some rust to the Broncos scoring against a prevent defense late.

Finally, there's this. New England hasn't won a playoff game in a really long time, since the Perfectriot year, actually. For all of the terror and evil genius here, they've taken the pipe a lot, and their fan base knows it. If this game is close, it could stay that way for a long time, as the Oh God It's Happening Again vibe spreads through the Masshole faithful. Hearing that collective dread just might be worth another week of Tebow. (Note: they won't, because the Patriots tight ends are unstoppable in the red zone. But they'll cover.)

Patriots 34, Broncos 24

Houston at BALTIMORE (-9)

Finally, the Ravens have a home playoff game, rest, and a thoroughly overmatched playoff opponent; it's a dream for Charm City fans, even more than if the Bengals had somehow made it to this game. The Texans' defense is good, but not as much on the road (see the Colts loss). TJ Yates isn't a bad game manager QB, but they are going to need more than that to win this game. Andre Johnson isn't really back yet, and Arian Foster is the kind of fumble-prone back that tends to have real problems in the playoffs. And the Ravens are healthy (Anquan Boldin, back for the first time in a month), prone to big games against overmatched teams when they don't sleep, and ready to feed off the energy of a blue-collar crowd that hasn't seen a playoff game in forever.

There's a reason this is the early game, folks. It's the one that's not going to be very much fun to watch.

Ravens 24, Texans 13

NEW YORK at Green Bay (-9)

With a few minutes left in the first half of the Week 16 do or die game against the Jets, the Giants were pinned against their own end zone after a punt. The partisan Jets' crowd was roaring. The offense had looked slow and low; the defense had done well to limit points, but weren't getting off the field. They were less than a half of diffident football, in a stretch where they had been one of the worst teams in the league, from having their season end.

And then Eli Manning hooked up with Victor Cruz, who made a man miss, turned on the afterburners, and changed the game and the season. And they just haven't looked the same way since.

We have, of course, seen all of this before; in the Perfectriot year, when a David Akers' figgie hit an upright and stayed out, and the team went on a magical luck and skill run that ended in David Tyree and Plaxico Burress in the end zone. I mention all of this, of course, on the off chance that Patriot Fan reads this site and can relive the pain. But the bigger point is this: the Giants are on some kind of roll.

As for the Packers... lost in the pinball year put up by Aaron Rodgers is the following. They don't have the same useful running game they had last year, because James Starks hasn't been 100%. They've dropped a lot of balls in the passing game recently, and have to get a rusty Greg Jennings back in the mix. The defense either gets a turnover or gives up points, and just aren't very good at all. The special teams are just ordinary, assuming WR Reggie Cobb doesn't break one. And as good as Rodgers is, he is prone to taking hits and running the ball in the red zone. It's really not all that hard to imagine a situation where he takes some damage, and the #1 seed looks very vulnerable.

I still think they win the game. Lambeau is a serious home field advantage, the Giants' can turn the ball over, and going against Rodgers, who is just the best QB I've ever seen -- no, seriously -- and his playoff record is just ridiculous. The Giants WRs are prone to bad mistakes, and on some level, I keep waiting for the midseason team to show up. And maybe they do... but not before a cover, and the best game of the weekend.

Packers 38, Giants 31

Last week: 2-2

Year to date: 134-116-8

Career: 539-521-25

Top 10 reasons why MLB extended Bud Selig's contract

2012-01-12T21:25:00.000-05:00

10) Unlike the vast majority of MLB fans, didn't want to see him spend his declining years under a bridge, encased in cardboard

9) Really hoping that with the extra time, he can come up with a way to make the All-Star Game count

8) What he knows about the owners' conduct during the Steroid Era keeps him employed for life, and shaking in a cold sweat at night

7) His performance has really gotten better since his last evaluation, in that he's greatly increased the number of days that he wears pants to the office

6) Really enjoy watching him backpedal through another Favrian retirement charade

5) Soft hands, firm lips, no shame

4) If he can hang on for just three more years, can finally get that bastard Kenesaw Mountain Landis out of the record books

3) Couldn't find anyone else with Bud's credentials that was willing to take the job for the miserly $25 million a year salary -- no, seriously, Bud makes $25 million a year, just in case you think those Occupy Wall Street hippies are the problem, BUD SELIG MAKES $25 MILLION A YEAR TO BE AN ODIOUS PILE OF HATE-FILLED PUS, GAHHH, CAPITALISM DOES NOT WORK KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT

2) His mission to completely neuter the regular season with interleague games, the WBC, an ever-increasing number of wild-card teams and revenue sharing that's a joke isn't complete

1) Has proven, beyond the shadow of a doubt, to not be dead

Top Ten Takeaways From SanchezGate

2012-01-12T00:21:00.004-05:00

The Jets' starting QB has been called out by the most popular athlete in New York, the anonymous backstabbing teammate, as someone who needs to be replaced. Others have gone on record to defend the third-year QB. What have we learned from the scandal?

10) Just because the Jets aren't in the playoffs and the Giants are, that doesn't mean they are content to cede the back page of the tabloids

9) If you lead the league in turnovers, eventually some members of your mouthy team are going to notice

8) Shockingly, it wasn't all Santonio Holmes' fault after all

7) When Rex Ryan is your coach, it's kind of hard to expect the players to shy away from the media

6) The organization is clearly not scared of importing another Hall of Fame retread as he enters his delusional interception years

5) Somehow, New York fans don't seem all that enamored of waiting for a wealthy pretty boy QB from Southern California who dates the underaged to develop

4) In a shocking development, Sanchez might not see 75-year-old Mark Brunell as a credible threat to his job, or a reason to work harder at his craft

3) This franchise has really never recovered from Joe Namath successfully guaranteeing a Super Bowl win

2) The Jets are a lot more fun to cover when it's about the coach's wife getting her toes sucked

1) To a large portion of the NFL audience, the respective fortunes of the Jets and Broncos is proof that there is a God, and that He has nothing better to do than fix football games

Top 10 reasons why the Raiders fired Hue Jackson

2012-01-10T23:36:00.001-05:00

10) Wanted to prove that the spirit of Al Davis is alive and well

9) Had to prove to Carson Palmer for once and for all that they are, in fact, more dysfunctional than the Bengals

8) New GM Reggie McKenzie wants to get fired next year with his own guys

7) While Jackson's team set a new NFL record for penalties, they weren't the right kind of penalties

6) Wanted to have at least one coach this century who didn't carry a losing record, and Jackson's 8-8 qualifies

5) The end of the year, where Jackson's Raiders prevented Messiah Tebow from making the playoffs, was particularly tough to take for servants of evil

4) When you fire six coaches in ten years, the seventh is free

3) Jackson pushed for the Palmer trade, and since they can't run the QB, they had to run, well, someone

2) Given Hue's post-game rant after the Week 17 loss, they weren't exactly getting rid of a guy who was going to hold the job for 15 years here

1) Art Shell is available

Hip Hip As If

2012-01-10T00:28:00.002-05:00

So Jorge Posada has decided that another year of not getting at-bats in the Bronx, or a year in which he adds to everyone's Collection of Jerseys That Look Really Wrong to add to his career totals, was not worth the six figures of honorarium he was probably going to make on top of the $117+ million he's already banked. (Seriously, if you want to bank an unconscious amount of coin, have a long career in baseball. No brain injuries, relatively decent chance that you'll walk at 50, and nine figures in the bank if you were careful during your career. I seriously need to go back in time, fix my eyesight and my DNA, and completely rethink this blogging and advertising career.)

Now the fun part comes of wondering if he's done enough to make the Hall of Fame, assuming people still care about such a thing. And for the next five years, people are actually going to debate this. For no good reason. And here's why.

There has never been a prominent Yankee that was involved in as many World Series championships as Posada who *did not* make the Hall of Fame.

If you've ever been to the town of Cooperstown, you know already that the place acts as an annex for Yankee gear that isn't in Memorial Park. When Posada is inducted, the place is absolutely going to fill to the brim with guys from the Bronx yelling Hip Hip Jorge for a weekend, paying through the nose for the privilege. There's millions of dollars on the line here, and money -- especially Yankee money in a sleepy little borough like Cooperstown -- talks.

Besides, it's not as if the guy is actually bringing the standards of the place down. Posada compares easily to guys like Carlton Fisk (in), Gary Carter (in) and Yogi Berra (twice the player but too much of a comedic figure to be remembered for the force he was on the field). He played long enough to be the oldest player in the league. That's almost always the sign of a Hall of Famer. He had 275 HRs and 1,065 RBIs, most of them in a pitcher's park, while playing catcher, and not taking steroids. That's in.

And yes, while he was never the MVP and never really had a signature year beyond the .338 at age 35, when you have enough years dropping 80-100 RBIs with a .374 career OBA, it's a very real benefit. He had a year where he hit .338, and was a 5-time winner of the Silver Slugger award. He also went to five All-Star Games, and has 11 post-season HRs, which sounds good until you realize he played in 125 (!) playoff games in his life.

It's more than obvious that you could win championships with the guy, and for years, he was the secret strain that made this offense so damned difficult to deal with. He even had the coup de grace game in which he slammed the Rays on an August Saturday (I wuz there!) to give a national television audience that Rage Rage Rage Against The Dying Of The Light moment.

So, sure, he's got no chance of it, had he toiled in an MLB- market for much of those 15 years, and pure statheads can pule about that all they want. But in the final analysis, regardless of how they were purchased (or, in the Yankees' case, bought at auction), flags fly forever.

Posada has the rings. In New York. I suspect he doesn't go in on the first ballot, just because the numbers are actually borderline, but there's really no need to act as if there is any suspense with this one. There's going to be one more Yankee going to the Hall, and that's that.

Monday Night Switchoff

2012-01-09T23:47:00.003-05:00

For years and years, the ESPN evening telecasts of football -- whether it was the 3-man Joe Theismann / Paul Maguire Sunday night weaving chucklefest that still makes surviving viewers twitch, or the current Monday night QB strokedown talkathon from Ron Jaworski and Jon Gruden -- has made decent football fans want to smash their television sets with a hammer.

And today, I give you a message of hope.

The NFL's regular season ratings was down 2.1% for the year. In a year of pinball offense, in a year where Jesus started fixing football games so that only the good and virtuous people of Denver, CO would be Raptured, in a year where everyone played fantasy football and had a QB throw for 5K yards.

And the numbers by network were far more telling. Fox was down 0.1% for the year, which meant they were pretty much a rounding error away from absolutely normal. NBC's SNF game was down 1.4%, probably because everyone under 50 turned it off once Old Man Costas told those kids to stay off his lawn. (I keed, I keed. They had some blowouts, and couldn't flex away from the free-falling Manningless Colts fast enough.) CBS slipped by 1.5%, mostly because the Jets stunk and the AFC markets are smaller than the NFC's, so when Noo Yawk Fan tunes out, they take it in the neck. And the World Wide Lemur? Dropped 9.6%. (NFLN, the fifth and smallest telecaster, was up 10.8%, which meant that 21 more people got the channel this year. You go, NFLN!)

Now, I'm being naive in thinking that the down numbers were entirely related to the broadcast crew. The abysmal schedule and all-year non-flexed nature of the MNF games (Rams! Seahawks! For Nothing!) is much more telling, and the second half of the season (not one but two Jacksonville games, multiple NFC West matchups, and ratings-crushing blowouts by the Packers, Patriots and Saints) was especially must-skip TV. Hell, maybe that many rednecks got offended by the idea that Hank Williams Jr wasn't going to sing to them before the game. Or that some percentage of the audience took the whole year off to protest the lockout.

But if this somehow leads to anyone -- Gruden! Jaworski! Scott! Dilfer! Berman! BERMAN! ***BERMAN!*** -- at the Lemur getting canned, or cut back because 9.6% less ad revenue has to come from somewhere... or gives them the small but telling message that they are not adorable sports-loving scamps that the audience will indulge, no matter how navel-gazing they become?

Yes, yes, a million times, yes. Let's finally get something out of austere times, people.

And proof, not that you needed it, that you always have a reason to turn off the game. Especially when it's on ESPN.

100 Steeler-Bronco Takeaways

2012-01-08T20:19:00.004-05:00

This was something like 3 games in 1. So, the biggest number of takeaways ever. You're welcome. I think. Of course, we can always just cut to the chase...

100) Matt Prater's opening kickoff hit the crossbar and rolled back to the 20, which made it the only entertaining kickoff for the entire game

99) Jim Nantz fellated Champ Bailey for getting beat, but having the mental powers to will a poor throw from Ben Roethlisberger

98) There's something wrong with the planet when a January home game in Denver looks like San Diego

97) It really didn't take long for Bronco Fan to get quiet enough for the Steeler Fan chants of "HEATH" to be heard

96) For a QB with ankle issues, the Steelers are calling a lot of full drop back plays, rather than shotgun

95) It's amazing, really, how few turnovers the Steeler defense has forced this year

94) Phil Simms praised Tim Tebow for throwing the ball away on a 3rd and 7 when he had an open WR -- no, seriously

93) It's a little discouraging for Steeler Fan that Ben still needs the wristband with formations at this stage in his career

92) Jericho Cotchery has had a really nice year, but that first quarter third down drop cost them at least three points

91) Rafael Bush got away with interfering on a fair catch, in the first of many shaky moments for the refs

90) If the Steelers go on a deep run this postseason, Isaac Redman could easily kick Rashard Mendenhall to the curb

89) Given that Bailey is the Broncos' best cover guy and that every other receiver has been open, I'm not sure why the Steelers keep going after him

88) John Clay reminds you of Jerome Bettis, until he actually has to play football

87) Hines Ward really should retire this off-season

86) The refs called DPI in this game as if it were still a hard call to make

85) Shawn Suisham is very happy this game isn't at Heinz Field, since Denver's altitude makes kickers look a lot better than they are

84) Denver had 8 yards on offense in the first quarter, which is kind of what happens when a good run defense faces a run-only offense

83) Eric Decker got high-lowed and wrecked for an incompletion that took a review, which is to say we got 10 minutes of not game due to the refs not getting the call right in the first place

82) Tebow connected with DeMaryius Thomas for 51 yards on a play where he had 8 seconds to throw, and Ike Taylor never looked for the ball, for the first Bronco first down of the game

81) Eddie Royal's touchdown was spectacular, and showed that Jebus only needs to show up for two consecutive plays to give the home team a lead

80) There might not be a team in NFL history that goes from terrible to dangerous more than these Broncos

79) Roethlisberger to WR Mike Wallace should have stopped the party, but the wideout lost the catch on a replay challenge for the third drop in 17 minutes

78) Losing Brent Keisel is a big damn problem for the Steelers, even if it doesn't show up so much in this game

77) Once this Broncos offense gets moving and Tebow starts making throws, the transformation is startling

76) Seriously, how Bronco opponents don't sniff out QB draws in the red zone is a continuing mystery

75) I've seen special teams players who get less amped up than the Bronco QB

74) I think Tebow was so excited about scoring that he forgot to thank Jesus, which means he will now burn in Hell for his hubris

73) When Ben can't move and prolong plays, this is a lot less imposing offense than you'd expect from a 12-4 team... and when he's throwing picks, "lot" is an understatement

72) It's hard to imagine how much this game changed in five minutes of game play

71) That the Steelers couldn't get a fumble or a pick on a play where both were available, and took a roughing the passer flag to boot, kind of shows how quickly this game went south on them

70) The misfire in the end zone before the Prater field goal showed the Broncos miss Decker

69) The Steelers were completely bailed out from Pick #2 from an offsides call, then picked up another one play later

68) When you have a QB that can't move, I'm not sure that empty backfields are a winning move

67) Wallace nearly got killed on a high hit, but since the WR was going down, the no-call was actually correct, even by modern prissy football standards

66) The rollout bomb throw from Tebow to TE Daniel Fells was a perfect throw, and part of the continuing mystery of how a QB can look so bad and so good from throw to throw

65) You have to admire the caginess of the Broncos to play terrible offensive football for weeks before this game

64) When the Bronco big plays get S Troy Polamalu off the line, it opens up running plays

63) The red zone Steelers stand to prevent a third second quarter TD kept this a game

62) The bad snap with 30 seconds left cost the Steelers at least three points, and kept up the narrative of Pittsburgh is making too many mistakes to win a road game

61) I think Ike Taylor is a good CB, but Steeler Fan might disagree with me by now

60) Tebow's spiral is wildly inconsistent, which is a key to why he can look good or bad from snap to snap

59) It's kind of nice, really, to see a running white QB get the same lack of calls as a running black QB

58) If the Steelers get through this game with any healthy defenders, that's a plus

57) John Fox did not let Prater try a 55-yard figgie on a day in which he was hitting them off the kickoff tee from 70, all to gain 23 yards of field position

56) Independent of the whiffed ref call, I'm really not understanding the need to throw lateral screens, given the huge risk of fumble and limited chance of real gains

55) The refs clearly got gun-shy in this one, with the Redman non-touchdown run being yet another bad moment

54) As the Steeler defense got more hurt and tired, Tebow's running became more problematic

53) As Tebow's numbers continued to rise, you could almost hear Skip Bayless's erection grow

52) The OPI call that wiped out the Tebow to Royal screen negated a downright nifty design and execution

51) On third and 17 from the 20, John Fox called a draw, which tells you all that you really need to know about his level of trust in his QB, or his taste for risk

50) Redman's stiff arm on the big fourth quarter run was downright manly, and seemed to inspire Ben into moving better

49) How a team with heavy playoff veteran experience could have this many mistakes is beyond me

48) The Pittsburgh red zone performance was, yet again, not something you expect to see from a winning road team

47) Since kickoff returns are especially pointless at altitude, I'd like to propose that we just stop televising them

46) With Brent Keisel and Casey Hampton on the sidelines, Tebow went for 11 and more rah rah rah

45) Tebow might be the only QB in the league where he's more dangerous with his legs than his arm

44) Thomas is a true #1 WR that's being hidden by his scheme and QB

43) The Willis McGahee fumble changed, well, everything, and was a bad challenge to boot... and made me wonder, at the time, if we were absolutely destined for overtime

42) Adding insult to injury, Fox wasted a challenge trying to bail out McGahee, and lost the ability to challenge for the rest of the game

41) On the Broderick Bunkley sack, Roethlisberger ran into the sack and didn't take an easy checkdown to Redman, because he's in Hero Big Play Mode

40) Redman's ability to deliver in short yardage makes him a much better fit than Mendenhall for this team's needs

39) Considering that they were down by a touchdown, the amount of clock being run by the Steelers late in the game was positively Reid-esque

38) Doug Legursky's shotgun snaps are not helping Steeler Fan's mood at all, and explain all of the Ben dropbacks from earlier

37) Bailey failing to bring in the pick on a double coverage throw was a killshot missed

36) Pittsburgh calling for a timeout of an incomplete with four minutes left was yet another, yada yada, mistake you can't make and win a road playoff game

35) The cross-body touchdown throw to Cotchery was spectacular, and one of those Oh No Great Plays that have defined Ben's career

34) After 56 minutes, we actually had a kickoff returned, not that it was a good idea

33) Fox's conservatism was especially telling on the first down carry, but Tebow bailed him out with a 17-yard strike to Fells

32) Given Prater's range and history, the Steeler defense needed to defend as if the 50-yard line was a field goal chance

31) Pittsburgh got away with a clear face mask on Tebow with 1:54 left, proving that the refs also hate Jebus

30) Tebow short-hopped an open Thomas for a critical first down and possible game winning field goal attempt

29) Denver actually puled for a penalty when Antonio Brown nervously danced after a fair catch

28) Vaughn Miller nearly had a strip sack for the win, which would have been another missed killed shot

27) Brown's catch for the first, and Roethlisberger standing in the pocket for way too long, was crazy close

26) Denver blitzed for no good reason on the 18-yard fly route to Sanders that made a game-winning figgie attempt possible, seeing how they were getting pressure on every down before that

25) Phil Simms talked about long game-winning figgies in the Denver air as if they weren't, you know, any problem or pressure at all

24) "Cotton Eyed Joe" might not be the best soundtrack to amp up a crowd when they need a defensive stop

23) Denver got the pressure they needed and a crucial sack and burned timeout, from a 3-man rush, which was their best defense for much of the day

22) Had Pittsburgh not wasted a timeout with 4 minutes left, which CBS didn't feel was important to discuss at the time, the end of regulation would have been a lot more manageable

21) Why Ward against Bailey is your need to have WR target, we'll never know

20) Another delay of game flag with 12 seconds left, with Ben furiously windmilling for the snap, was just one more They Miss Maurice Pouncey and are making too many mistakes moments

19) Denver gave up a Redman checkdown that gave Pittsburgh the option of a super-long figgie, but also made a Hail Mary option possible... and the Denver pass rush crushed that anyway

18) The new overtime rules really didn't come into play that much

17) Seriously, Thomas is a beast

16) Tebow remembered to Tebow after that

15) If Steeler Fan wants to be bitter about how Ryan Clark's absence ended their season, well, yes, but the myriad mistakes are also something of a factor

14) That pass ensures Tebow will have the starting QB job for another 1-2 years, regardless of results

13) I'm not sure Taylor ever has his professional reputation recover from the Thomas stiff arm, or for that matter, this entire game

12) Tebow ended his day with 312 yards on 10 completions, and no turnovers

11) For the second straight year, an 8-8 division winner advanced

10) The biggest play in this game, for me, was the first Bronco first down, since it never seemed as if the Pittsburgh defense recovered from that

9) The ending of this game proves that Tebow's Jesus is better than Polamalu's Jesus, which is only fair, seeing how Tebow's Jesus is white

8) The only way that CBS could have been happier with this game was if it had somehow lasted for an extra hour or two

7) Making Bill Cowher analyze this play in the postgame show was a special moment of Pittsburgh torture... and watching their old coach do the Tebow salute afterward, even more so

6) For all of the absurd reductionism involved in this game, it really just came down to Thomas owning Taylor, early and often

5) Pittsburgh is one of the best organizations in football, but their neglect of the offensive line has reached critical stages, and the defense is getting old fast

4) The only way this weekend could have worked out better for New England is if the overtime had gone longer

3) The over-under on number of times you will see the killshot touchdown in the next week on postgame highlights is 666

2) To all of the Tebus haters out there, I'm very, very sorry... but on the plus side, you're going to have him to hate for a very long time now

1) As entertaining as this game was... you can pretty much book Patriots-Ravens for the championship game now

50 Falcons-Giants Playoff Takeaways

2012-01-08T15:58:00.004-05:00

50) You are not allowed, as an NFL analyst, to say Michael Turner's name without connecting it to "a load"

49) If you get off on completions for no yardage or first downs, this game made your day

48) Mike Smith can not be trusted with fourth down play calling, or not looking like a guy on "To Catch A Predator"

47) Eli's intentional grounding for safety was one of those borderline calls that an elite QB gets

46) If we're all very, very lucky, Victor Cruz will get hurt and not have a very long career, since that "CROOOOOOZEEE!" chant is going to get pretty annoying from Road Giants Fan

45) For a guy with questionable footspeed and no real elusiveness, Eli makes a lot of plays with his legs

44) There's no way the Falcons defense can lock things down all day, since their DL just isn't good enough to deliver 60 minutes of domination

43) Eli's flip to Bradshaw was positively Favrey

42) I'm not saying that Joe Buck is in the bag for the Giants, but he sounded orgasmic on the big Brandon Jacobs run

41) Tom Coughlin looks like a guy who never gets good service at a diner

40) This game in the first half was all about who executed on fourth down

39) Hakeem Nicks' TD catch was a case of the WR bailing out the QB

38) Once the Falcons fell behind, Fox had to pin the blame on Tony Gonzalez, since he's never won a playoff game

37) The Giants calling timeout just before the two-minute break

36) The Falcons' special teams inability to touch the ball on the backing up punt cost them the yards that Julio Jones made for them on the third down checkdown

35) Chris Owens' play on Cruz was so good, no one puled for defensive PI

34) The Giants seemed to not notice that the Nicks catch wasn't a first down, and it probably cost them at least three points, along with having to defend another Falcons possession

33) The Fox chuckle crew looked catatonic from having to watch a game without big scoring

32) Ryan's idea of sliding, or getting out of bounds, was just sad

31) The Falcons' idea of clock management was, as an Eagles' fan, highly familiar

30) I remain unhappy with the NFL's decision to neuter kickoffs

29) Jason Pierre-Paul and Aaron Ross going down on the same play might been the best possible incompletion ever for the Falcons

28) Roddy White's inability to catch balls in coverage, or Ryan's inability to get the ball to him quicker, was a major problem

27) There aren't many more disdainful QB faces than Eli's when a WR drops a ball

26) Eli to Nicks for the 19-yard first down was perfect execution, and proof that he's still the #1 WR here, along with Cruz's multiple drops

25) Eli's gotten loads better at dodging blitzers, or the Falcons just aren't very good at it

24) Trading off Kevin Boss for Kyle Ballard just seems like it's going to haunt Blue at some point

23) Chris Owens got away with DPI to save a touchdown and keep it an 8-point game

22) Given how accurate Ryan can be, and the number of weapons the Falcons have, a run-first game plan seems a little off

21) Giant Fan and Coughlin really like to pule about pretty clear cases of not intentional grounding

20) Having too many men in the huddle seems to be a special problem for road playoff teams

19) Roddy White's close spot meant that Smith had another chance to blow a fourth down play call in field goal range

18) A QB sneak from a no RBs formation, when you've been stuffed on previous QB sneaks, might redefine stupid in our lifetime

17) Having said that, kudos to the Big Blue DL for crushing the play

16) Eli to Nicks for the killshot made the rest of this game garbage time, and ensured that the Smith Era in Atlanta has now entered the Andy Reid Zone of good enough to make the playoffs, but never smart enough to win

15) Seriously, the play calling in short yardage by Atlanta today would have made Reid wince

14) There has never been a playoff game won where the winning team's offensive coordinator didn't get a media stroke late in the game

13) When Jacobs is powering through DBs late in a game, he actually looks like a positive player

12) Eli to Manningham for the score was perfect execution on a secondary receiver, or a reason why Blue Fan has hope that their QB can have a hot playoff month for a deep run

11) Now that Eli has 11 post-season TD passes, no one is allowed to think kindly of Phil Simms' career

10) Speaking as a White owner in a fantasy keeper league, I'm hoping this one just ends without a suspension

9) This game isn't going to do much to stop the narrative of "Matt Ryan is an overrated game manager"

8) It's very hard to reconcile this Giants team with the one that gagged up 6 of 7

7) GIven that he owns a Super Bowl ring, it's a little surprising that this is Eli's first career 3-TD postseason game

6) Nobody talks trash better than Jacobs with a big lead late in the game

5) Manningham might be the most good news / bad news guy in Blue's recent history, but if he's your #3 WR, that's not bad at all

4) Smith looked like he was weeping with five minutes left, which isn't going to come back to haunt him in screen shots all over the Internet or nothing

3)Buck and Troy Aikmann really took the Falcons to task for not kicking field goals in a 20+ point loss

2) Lawrence Tynes' missing a chip shot figgie disappointed his many playoff fantasy football owners

1) I'm really hoping this game gets the Giants' line against the Packers in Green Bay under a touchdown

(Bonus from garbage time... Jaquizz Rodgers proved that you can get unnecessary roughness for hitting the RB, it's clearly all Tony Gonzalez's fault, you really should be able to get White and Ryan at a discount in next year's fantasy football drafts, and it's a little telling that Blue didn't sit on the ball with a minute left. Next game.)

A Small But Telling Point About Being An Eagle Fan At This Point In The Andy Reid Era

2012-01-08T15:16:00.006-05:00

So I sat down to watch the NFL Wildcard Weekend games..

And as I watched Mike Smith turn a possibly dramatic game into a comfortable Giants win, and yesterday, as I watched Marvin Lewis turn first half opportunities into a second half deficit...

I realized that I didn't miss my laundry in the playoffs. At all.

I got to watch football, without any great emotional involvement, beyond hoping that my picks would win out. (Not so much.) I got to know, without having it really rubbed in my nose, that my laundry isn't good enough to beat the Saints, and maybe not even the Lions, next year, and they weren't even the top two seeds in the conference. (Or, given what they have done for the last month, the Giants.)

It's a relief, honestly. And it will be a relief next year if the exact same thing happens, and the team isn't in the playoffs again, since that would, you would hope, finally put the stake in the heart of Coach For Life's career here.

Consider, if you will, what this says about life in the colors here. I have no hope in a team that won four in a row to close the season to win anything of real importance next year. I enjoy playoff football games more for their absence. I'm ready to tank for a year in advance just to get the coach gone.

And sure, I'll get sucked into hope with a decent draft pick or three (as if they make those), a free agent singing, wins or coaching personnel shuffles into Daring To Hope. Hell, I was daring to hope all the way into the final minutes of the Jets-Giants game in Week 16.

But I didn't curse at my television once this year. I missed watching a game (due to traveling on business, but I did schedule the flight) for the first time in 20 years. I had opportunities to go to games this year and didn't. I purchased no merch, drafted no Eagles on my fantasy teams, and picked against them (to good success) all year.

And I can't imagine that I'm alone in this in Eagles Fandom, or that this won't start to matter. Especially if the ratings or attendance goes down. Right?

Wild Card Saturday Takeaways

2012-01-07T23:05:00.004-05:00

Big ups to the Five Tool Ninja, who lent me a machine and hosted my spawn for the games today. Good times.

> No offense to Bengal or Texan Fan, but when you hear the phrase "playoff game" in connection with these two teams, it doesn't really compute

> In the final analysis, yes, the Bengals are too dumb to win

> You couldn't get an easier game for a rookie QB to win than at home, with a running game, against an opponent that's too dumb to win

> Houston took a delay of game penalty rather than a timeout while killing the clock in the fourth quarter, which is one of those things you really appreciate when you root for Andy Reid

> I've seen a lot of bad tackling this year, but Chris Crocker's effort on Arian Foster's fourth quarter touchdown run redefines the art

> Bengal Fan can be excused for wondering just what he has to do to get past the Marvin Lewis Era

> James Joseph didn't have a teammate to celebrate with, so he bumped with the mascot

> It's a good thing Arian Foster carved his hair that way, on the off chance that he had to play without a helmet

> There's really very little chance that the Ravens won't turn this team into hamburger next weekend

> Charles Barkley could become even more popular if he just broke a steel chair on Rodney Harrison

> NBC's pre-game interview of Jim Schwartz allowed HD viewers a very good idea of Michele Tafoya's hair color

> True to form, Pierre Thomas had a big run then got hurt

> Given how easy the Lions' first two touchdowns looked, it seems odd that there weren't more of them

> NBC fellated Jonathan Vilma for being the QB of the defense, despite the fact that the defense wasn't, well, very good

> The Lions got totally hosed on the fumble they could not return

> Nick Fairley went WWE on a RB, which is OK, since RBs are not WRs or QBs

> Detroit's first half defense made this resemble an actual football game, which meant most of the audience was probably disappointed

> Robert Mecham's drop on the third quarter bomb would have been more excusable if he heard footsteps

> Detroit Fan can be excused for thinking that the Marques Colston third-down spot was indicative of a greater conspiracy

> Charger Fan can be excused for wondering what his team would look like had they kept Darren Sproles, Drew Brees or Michael Turner

> That freaky jump sneak from Brees on fourth and inches from his own 38 was special

> The next time that the first Lion defender to touch Pierre Thomas will take him down will be the first

> Jimmy Graham chose to share his touchdown celebration with the mascot, proving that he's forgotten the value of a touchdown

> Matthew Stafford touchdown was all kinds of manly

> "Wild Card Turd" was shown thanks to the position of Al Michaels and Cris Collingsworth, which made Blogfrica weep with joy

> Seriously, Charger Fan, you're just angry about not having Sproles anymore

> On the 56-yard kill shot to Devery Henderson, the WR was so open, he had to refrain from signalling for a fair catch

> Kyle Vanden Bosch's red contact lenses aren't such a good look when you are getting worked in the fourth quarter

> The Lions' inability to quit on offense makes that Saints to cover the spread bet no fun at all, really

> There's a very good chance that the Lions are good at comebacks just because that's the part of the game where they just throw it to Megatron

> The Saints' idea of killing the clock late is to throw bombs to the 1 yard line

> I understand Ndamukong Suh played in this game

> If your eyes goggle at Brees for throwing for 466+ yards tonight, you weren't paying attention to what Matt Flynn did to them last night, or what football is like now

> Jabari Greer's interception kept Johnson from setting an all-time NFL playoff record for receiving yards

> There's something wrong with Bernie Kosar still having the all-time playoff passing record

> Detroit's got a nice future, especially if they can get a secondary, a running game, and the ability to avoid Green Bay and New Orleans in future years

Top 10 NFL Wild Card Saturday Ad Questions

2012-01-07T20:45:00.001-05:00

10) If I sign up for AT&T's cell phone coverage, will my teenaged daughter become dramatically unpleasant and moronic?

9) Why are impossible stunts being used to sell trucks?

8) If I take Cialis, will abandoned amusement parks open in my back yard, and is one of the side effects purchasing matching bathtubs?

7) Has anyone ever noticed, remembered, or made a purchase based on the sponsorship of a pre-game show?

6) Is anyone who has ever sold soda as a vendor in a stadium been proud of the job?

5) How do pigs on zip lines sell insurance?

4) Did DirecTV's ad agency read "If you give a pig a pancake" before coming up with the dead in a ditch cable customer ad?

3) Why is BMW so invested in telling us what they don't make?

2) Did half of the Jets' roster reject the offer of Pepsi Max, laying the seeds for their late-season collapse?

1) If you are the Egg McMuffin of boyfriends, doesn't that make you cheap, disposable and bad for you?

NFL Wild Card Weekend Picks: Chalk Or Talk

2012-01-06T02:22:00.003-05:00

Every year when we get to this stage of the NFL playoffs, you have to gauge teams that closed with a rush (i.e., weren't good enough to rest players late) against teams that ended badly (have lost their edge and will fall in the first round). You also get to pick teams that have been there before (too old), or those that haven't (too inexperienced). But the big thing is to not fall in love with anyone that plays this weekend, since they usually don't rattle off the extra wins to go to the Super Bowl... unless it's a year like last year, when the Packers were the stealth team of doom, or a few years before that, when the Steelers won as a 6th seed.

So it's a league that seems more and more random with each passing year, since it's all about passing yards and turnovers and pass interference flags. But let's pretend that there really is a method to this madness, seeing how I've been on the plus side of .500 all year, and having one of the better years against the spread. And with that... on to the picks!

* * * * *

CINCINNATI at Houston (-3)

The Bengals haven't won a playoff game in forever and are on the road. The Texans are working on QB3 (TJ Yates), lost to the Colts in a game that mattered to them, have the remnants of an excellent defense and are going to the first playoff game in the franchise's history. And while I feel for them, and fear what a delirious crowd could do to a Bengals team that just doesn't have drop-dead talent (in that if they did, they wouldn't be the AFC North's 3rd-place team)... I still just like the too young to be a favorite pairing or QB Andy Dalton and WR AJ Green. Probably too much, really. And while 3rd in the North isn't overly impressive, neither is first in the AFC South. I also don't think WR Andre Johnson is right, or that Arian Foster and Ben Tate alone will get this done. When the money's on the table, I don't think the Texans can move the ball consistently or easily, or that Yates can avoid the big mistake.

Bengals 24, Texans 20

Detroit at NEW ORLEANS (-11)

Every year in this round, there's a game that people really anticipate... that turns out to be a dog. That's this game. Detroit's pass defense is in a shambles right now -- Matt Flynn's a good back-up and all, but when he throws for 500 yards and 6 TDs in a game you need and the oppo does not, that's absurd -- and the Saints are just hitting on all cylinders. Add in the usual delirious dome crowd that's worth a touchdown or more in the playoffs, a Detroit team that's only behind Oakland in terms of being ready to shoot themselves in the face with penalties and turnovers, no real running game, a tendency to fall behind early, a young QB making his first playoff start... well, it's going to get pinballish, and Detroit will not be able to answer.

Have faith, Lions Fan; your team will be better for this happening to them, and they aren't the same old sad situation; I actually think you are the only real chance in the long run to stop a Green Bay Dynasty. But it's going to hurt right now. A lot.

Saints 41, Lions 24

ATLANTA at New York (-3)

This is the game that made me go back and forth a half dozen times this week. For Atlanta, they've just got better talent on defense, solid work on the lines, played in a much better division, and come in with relatively low expectations, since the national fan base for the club ended when Michael Vick went to prison. (And yes, it's just cruel to point out that Matt Ryan's better at actually winning football games. Haven't I, as an Eagles fan, suffered enough this year?)

New York looks like they are gelling right now and has dark horse appeal for a deep run, but the secondary is still a mess, the running game is erratic, the WRs drop too many balls and two weeks ago, they were staring down the barrel of elimination and their coach getting forcibly retired. But then the Jets gave up a long TD on blown tackling, and it's all been gravy since for Blue. I just can't get behind an 8-8 division champion with a turnstile secondary and inexperienced linebacking corps, especially when the clutch QB has had too many horror games in the cold and wind of his home park late in the year.

Besides, Ryan, Julio Jones, Roddy White and Michael Turner are pretty good, and it's not like they come into this game cold, either. And if they have a lead late (and I think they will)... they can close with the running game. Even on the road. I think.

Falcons 24, Giants 20

Pittsburgh at DENVER (+9)

Let's get this out of the way first: Pittsburgh is going to win this game. They are going to make QB Tim Tebow look as bad as he actually is, they are going to score enough in the red zone to prevent fourth quarter shenanigans, and they are not going to take their foot off the gas and play meek in the last five minutes, the way those ever-accommodating Dolphins, Chiefs and Jets did when they let Tebow do his babyface wrestler with momentum routine on them.

But, and this is a pretty big but, they also aren't going to dominate. Altitude, the home field, no expectations, poor health, special teams and the perverse magic that is the high covering rate of 8-8 division champions as home dogs will all conspire to make Steeler Fan sweat this a wee bit longer then they like. The garbage time back door cover seems quite likely to me, along with a 2-3 point spread overbet for the Steelers having a nationwide fan base. And on some level, that's going to be the biggest problem for Bronco Fan, who has to be suspecting by now that the Tebow Era is a midseason mirage that they'll pay for next year, too. (I know something about that. It usually involves a running QB.)

Steelers 20, Broncos 13

Last week: 10-5-1

Year to date: 132-114-8

Career: 537-519-25

7.5% of the season done, and my laundry isn't horrible

2012-01-05T00:58:00.003-05:00

So after a starting 5-game road trip that just seemed designed to drop any continuity momentum into the crapper... my beloved Sixers are 3-2 after spanking the surprising New Orleans Hornets tonight. Of the five games, the only real obvious loss was opening night in Portland, where they made a game of it with some late three-point shooting.

They also belched up a game in Utah which was a little bit disappointing, but tonight's win was one of those up for grab games where Jrue Holiday came through, and man alive, is that exactly the most encouraging way for this team to win games... with their best and most promising player coming up big.

Oh, and it also didn't hurt that Evan Turner, last year's #2 pick in a weak draft, had a monster game off the bench. Because, well, the plain and simple truth of this franchise is that they are three to five very good years away from doing more than being a hard first round out, and by the time they get to that level, Andre Iguodala will be on the downside, and still making too much. If Turner can take Iggy's minutes and role, and Iggy can be moved for a talented young big that develops... well hell. That's interesting.

Speaking of interesting, and maybe even an awful lot of hope, let's talk about Spencer Hawes. Last year's glimpse of competence around huge clumps of soft has been replaced by a big man who is moving the ball well -- honest, he almost had a triple double in one game -- and he's even showing moments of consistency. He's lost weight, been motivated by a one-year make-good contract, and even shown some snarl. If this is his new level, and Elton Brand can stay healthy, maybe they get to that 36-30 level. And if Jrue can somehow become a top 10 player in his third season when he can finally drink legally, maybe even more. But not likely.

Everything is not, of course, skittles and beer. Jodie Meeks looks lost, they only go eight deep in a year where depth looks critical, and if Meeks isn't good, the age-old problem with the laundry -- that they do not shoot threes or score easily outside of transition -- is going to bite them hard. This is usually the time of the Doug Collins Coaching Experience in which he starts to lose the team with his unrelenting intensity. The trade of Marresse Speights to Memphis for second-round picks show that they aren't going to be too hard about this year. Either that, or they like Nikola Vucevic more, and that works for me, too.

Now they get 18 of their next 22 in Philadelphia, where new ownership, lower ticket prices and a possible wining record could make the sun shine. The Knicks and Celtics look vulnerable, Toronto remains weak, and New Jersey is still in a holding pattern until they can get to Brooklyn... so, well.

Why not them? And why not now?

Top 10 reasons why the Marlins traded for Carlos Zambrano

2012-01-05T00:47:00.003-05:00

10) Wanted to finally put him with a manager that's crazier than he is

9) Now that he's 30 and in such sparkling physical and mental shape, sure to blossom

8) Want to prove to the fan base that they are ready to begin overpaying people

7) There's a reasonable chance that he's better than Chris Volstad, in that Volstad went 5-13 with a 4.89 ERA in a pitcher's park last year

6) Miami doesn't have sports talk radio, or an expectation of winning games

5) Now that his $18 million a year contract is nearing an end, he's sure to be on his best behavior to get another

4) Want someone in the clubhouse to out-disgruntle Hanley Ramirez, which is going to be hard, seeing how Hanley's got to change position for Jose Reyes

3) It's just hard to find a guy who makes $18 million a year who hasn't thrown over 200 innings since 2007, and had a 4.82 ERA with a 1.44 WHIP last year

2) See him as a veteran presence that can really show the younger guys how to behave and compete

1) Finally gives them a power bat off the bench

Hey, Idiots: The Internet Is Everywhere

2012-01-04T11:39:00.003-05:00

A small point to Brawling Philly and/or New York Hockey Fan, seen here engaging in a classic determinism vs. free will discussion outside an eatery... um, you tools do realize that everyone has a cell phone now, everyone is looking to post video, and your little old-school five for fighting moment will eventually be replayed in a court of law, no?

Oh, right, nope, because y'all are complete meatheads and worse, and about as equipped to live in our post-modern age as the lesser forms of life you so clearly resemble in the clip.

As for what this says about my home town, well, I'm old and tired and don't live there anymore. Say whatever you want about us and them. That never gets old, either.

Top 11 reasons why Jeff Lurie kept Andy Reid

2012-01-04T02:06:00.003-05:00

11) Lurie's commitment to recycling extends to entire years of everyone's life

10) Secretly hates black coaching candidates, and would do anything to keep from having to interview one

9) Is content with the team's standing as the second-best pro sports franchise in town, assuming the Flyers or Sixers don't have a big playoff run

8) Can't hear the home fans chanting for dismissal over the sound of the cash registers from the overpriced yard being sold out every game

7) Also hates linebackers, safeties, running plays and the effective use of timeouts

6) Truly believes that next year will be the year where Reid finally works harder

5) Would hate to see all of that high-priced imported talent unhappy about anything

4) Has forgotten the no chance home field beatdown at the hands of the only good team that the club played in the last six weeks for the fools' gold 4-game winning streak against UFL-level QBs

3) Knows that Michael Vick will be healthy and not prone to turnovers next year

2) Sees that Daniel Snyder and Jerry Jones change their coaches, and doesn't want to do anything that would give him something in common with them

1) The photographs, DNA samples, audio and video that Reid has of Lurie's actions in his secret basement compound would make your average college sports assistant coach giddy

Top 10 reasons why the Rams fired Steve Spagnuolo

2012-01-02T23:52:00.001-05:00

10) Just couldn't resist the urge to hire their fourth coach in five years

9) Wanted to be well and truly sure that Sam Bradford won't work out here

8) Didn't use Stephen Jackson at the goal line, because he was just overwhelmed by more exciting options

7) Going 10-38 in three seasons will actually get you canned, even in the NFC West

6) Being -514 in scoring differential since 2009 isn't exactly a recipe for job security

5) Ownership believes that better coaching will prevent injury and make free agents happy to play for a team in a cold-weather climate that travels thousands of miles for every game

4) Knew that he was going to take a better job as a defensive coordinator somewhere else

3) It's a little-known fact that any coach that ends the year with Brandon Lloyd on his roster gets canned

2) Beating the Saints was nice and all, but not enough to justify another year of this

1) Don't understand how, given how they play in the NFC West, that they don't have a double-digit win year at some point, even if it's only through random chance

Top 10 reasons why the Bucs fired Raheem Morris

2012-01-02T20:16:00.001-05:00

10) Dropping 10 in a row doesn't exactly speak to "keeping the team"

9) Allowed the most points in the history of the franchise, which is saying something, given the history of this franchise

8) Malcolm Glazer annoyed at the idea that he had to pay attention to the team

7) Wanted to make sure that he'd succeed somewhere else later in life, like so many other Buc coaches before him

6) Didn't protect home field in two continents

5) Shockingly, had problems coaching that nice LeGarrete Blount fellow

4) Keeping him would have enraged all 48 of the Bucs' season ticket holders

3) Failed to show enough military knowledge to impress Soldier Kellen Winslow

2) Just realized that he's somehow had the job for three years

1) Somehow thought the club could do better than the biggest collective quit this side of the Maginot Line

Sound and Fury, Signifying Nothing: Top 10 NFL Paper Tigers

2012-01-02T02:42:00.002-05:00

It is one of the benefits and curses of Age, I think: the desire to see men who are full of themselves (and we all are, of course) taken down a peg or six. And it is the extreme nature of the NFL, which has just slightly less hype to product than your average wrassling enterprise, that this comes through loud and clear as we look back on 2011, before the playoffs start. So, without further ado...

10) Hue Jackson. The coach of the most penalized team in NFL history, and the man who went all-in on Carson Palmer, then pretty much gave him carte blanche to be a turnover machine. Next time, you might want to think about working on a run defense. Any kind of run defense.

9) Stephen Ross. This just in, Dolphins Owner... your team is not a premier destination for NFL talent. It's just a bit of a backwater, nice enough for tax and weather purposes, but in no way competitive with the NY/New England access of All Media, and you just ran off coaches and ran down talent that went 6-3 over the last nine games when they had every reason to quit. I get that you want a glamour team, but given that you play in heat and a slow track, maybe just winning should be enough.

8) Mike Shanahan. One of the bigger empty suits wearing the genius label, Shanny is now 11-21 in two years in DC -- in other words, the same record that everyone posts there -- and would have escaped all non-local notice if it weren't for the fact that every two to four weeks, there's a fresh piece of free agent meat to target as an available running back. The White Rat is still a guy who never won anything of real consequence without both John Elway and Terrell Davis being the best in the world at their position. Kind of a thin definition of genius, this.

7) Mike Pereira. The Fox officiating twerp is one of the bigger polluters of minds and hearts, and adds even less to the telecast than the other mouth breathers that Fox employs. Oh, and he also pollutes the world with pissy fights with other regrettable people like Jon Gruden. Don't make us choose a side in that fight, you tools.

6) John Fox. Look, I get the value of conservative play calling, especially when your current QB throws worse than kids at the Texas high school level. But that does not mean that you can't work in some end arounds, gadget plays, fake punts and figgies and other signs that show you care more about making the under than winning the game. Your games are unwatchable.

5) Rex Ryan. All he needs is a cape and laced up boots, but the act gets pretty thin when you have a good offensive line, well-regarded skill players, a defense that gives you chances and... you crap the bed in December. It's not just on Brian Schottenheimer anymore, big boy.

4) Andy Reid. The most yards in team history, a team that ranks in the top 10 on both offense and defense, a four game winning streak to end the year and a 5-1 record in the division... does not, even for a minute, make us forgive or forget this year of spectacularly wasted opportunity. And even for Eagle Fan that wants to give the benefit of the doubt, riddle me this: why will Mike Vick be more likely to play more than, say, 12 games in 2012?

3) Rob Ryan. Not really the best month for the family, no? You can't be called a defensive genius when your schemes mostly involve zones with minimal defensive pressure, lots of footage of you stomping around the sidelines like a heel manager of an also-ran tag team, and personal grooming from '70s porno. Even by the weak standards of NFL genius, this does not qualify. At all.

2) Bob Costas. Are you like me, in that your ears and brain are still trying to process his remarkably obvious little sermonettes in the middle of NBC's increasingly unwatchable NFL coverage? I'm just happy that we've got a new aggrieved old white man telling us what to feel bad about in the current state of the league. But be careful, Bob: last man to have that job was Bill Conlin. Just saying.

1) Jerry Jones. Another year down for the biggest hat with no cattle in the NFL. Jerry hasn't won squat of consequence since the Clinton Administration (and yes, that's coming up on 20 years now), but he still manages to con the league into an annual strokefest on Thanksgiving, which is just about when the media decides that this year, yes, will be the one that the Cowboys play up to their incredible potential as an also-ran team with middling talent, mostly because their owner is also their GM, and can never, ever, lose either of those jobs. Keep living the dream, Cowboy Fan!

Feel free to add yours in the comments...

50 Eagles - Redskins Takeaways

2012-01-01T16:20:00.002-05:00

Well, let's get this over with, shall we?

50) There's one great benefit to watching football games of teams that are out of contention, and that is you get to avoid the top, and therefore most hateful, announcing teams

49) If you had 14:09 in the first quarter for this week's pointless offensive timeout, you win

48) The future of Michael Vick might look a lot like the first Brian Orakpo sack -- a blown play by the tackle and the QB no longer quick enough to get away from it

47) I think there were people at this game, but you sure as hell didn't hear them much

46) It was nice to see a classic Sav Rocca 12-yard shank punt, just for old time's sake

45) Brent Celek is starting to enjoy Vick's regression, if only because it means he gets the Algae Crumpler job

44) There's a real big difference, as Dion Lewis is showing, between preseason fast and regular season fast

43) Jermey Maclin's drop in the end zone is another moment, in a season of them, of how the star WRs have been a secret source of suck

42) There might be no greater indictment of the malaise that is Washington that the team feels good about having Rex Grossman at QB

41) No CB celebrates drops as if they were competence like Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie

40) DeSean Jackson doesn't even care enough to lobby the refs for PI calls now

39) This rushing game has really regressed in the last month

38) The rookie kickers have been a strength for the last month, so, um, woo

37) I think we can safely put the DJ returns punts era behind us

36) Ronnie Brown blocks about as well as he does everything else

35) Seriously, when Vick isn't quick enough to avoid sacks and prolong plays, he's not much above replacement level

34) The Nate Allen pick was all kinds of manly, from the pressure on the QB to the good catch... but there's a reason why no one has ever thought to give the man a job as a returner

33) Game tape from this one won't do much for the idea that Todd Herreman should have an important job

32) Keenan Clayton's tackle on Brandon Banks gave hope to the idea that special teams play might be more than hoping Colt Anderson is good after his injury

31) Just in case you were missing the Whiffed Tackle brigade, Evan Royster's 28-yard depantsing of Jaiquawn Jarrett and Nnamdi Asomugha brought back memories

30) Jabar Gaffney took a shot from DRC that would have been a flag and fine if Gaffney was a Pro Bowler

29) Grossman in the face of a clean blitzer is amusing in its cowardice

28) Derek Landri might have been happier about his blocked field goal than anyone you have ever seen on a football field

27) Rocca's field goal placement -- laces in, tilted down -- would have embarrassed a Pop Warner player

26) Chad Hall's Little Engine That Could touchdown had so much grit that I'm sure he's going to be on the roster for another year or two at least

25) It was also nice that the end zone fans got to take a souvenir Hall home with them

24) I'm not saying that Grossman was afraid of more picks, but when you throw the ball away on fourth and long, it's a little telling

23) Vick holding the ball too long and then fumbling on the sack was another one of those inexcusable plays that just keeps happening this year -- 37 and counting now

22) Santana Moss complained so long about offensive PI, and even took his helmet off, to get one of the dumber 15-yard flags you will ever see

21) The way the half ended, with Gaffney catching a ball over the middle for a meaningless game, and the Skins not getting the field goal attempt, was one of the funnier things I've ever seen on a football field

20) Eagle Fan missed the third quarter 8-play 80-yard touchdown drive that ended in the Roy Helu limping 47-yard touchdown catch, because they cared more about going to the bathroom or getting a beer... which is to say, they cared about as much as the defense did

19) It's nice that the Redskins have enough time to coordinate touchdown celebrations that get them 15 yard flags in the midst of big losses

18) In case you weren't very sure that LeSean McCoy is the most important player on this team, this game and offense should cure that delusion

17) Jason Avant can really bring his "A" game now that it matters

16) Celek on those fake block screens is genius, since most of the real blocks he throws are of the same impact

15) Vick nearly got the team to the magic 10th red zone turnover of the year, when every fan in the stadium gets a free enema

14) I'm pretty sure that I have no idea, since I am over 40, of what constitutes a penalty any more

13) The third quarter ended just in time to ensure another fourth quarter lead loss

12) That Vick to DJ bomb shows that maybe, just maybe, it's a decent idea to keep a guy with game-breaking speed and lots of big plays around for more than a rookie contract

11) Logan Paulsen puling for defensive PI on a clear offensive PI call is one of those soccer player moments that deserved a flag on its own for ridiculousness

10) Trent Cole got his 10th sack of a year on a legitimately sweet play

9) Hall's 28-yard punt return was smurfy in a good way

8) The Eagles set a new record for yards on offense, which shows just how meaningless that statistic is

7) Vick's second interception was one of those inexcusable yada yada yada yada

6) Coach For Life Reid continued his excellent year of replay challenges, which isn't exactly a reason for life tenure

5) Celek is really going to fool some people in fantasy next year, and I might be one of them

4) When you are watching Mike Kafka and Lewis in a game with no playoff ramifications and still writing about it, I'm not sure what's sadder -- me writing about it, or you reading what I wrote

3) Lewis scored his first touchdown of the year as the Washington defense showed that it really didn't give a damn

2) This game proved, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that Redskin Fan has it much, much worse than Eagle Fan

1) The big win shows that Juan Castillo deserves to keep his job, that we all should just be super happy with an 8-8 year, and that we'll all get to do this again in 2012

The Strangest Tournament Evah

2012-01-01T04:11:00.001-05:00

Let's start with a sidebar on the last poker diary for a while... I think I've finally figured out the secret to successful tournament play, having finally taken down a crown last night. Step one is to raise on the button with a middling pair (in this case, 9s.) Step two is to call the big blind all-in raise, knowing that if you miss, you still have 10 big blinds and a prayer. Step three is to see a big pair (in this case, kings) and be utterly and completely convinced of your stupidity, as well as your inevitable defeat. Step four is to see nothing on the flop and turn. And step five is to be visited by the two-out Luck God on the river.

There's a special feeling of almost tilt that happens when you put a ridiculous beat on someone; that it might be your night for no good reason, that you are due some return payback later that will make this seem kind, and that you should go find the guy you sucked out on and apologize. All of which is noise, of course, but I almost always find that any tournament where I go deep has at least one Better Lucky Than Good moment that gets me deep. Your mileage may vary, of course.

Anyway, fast forward to the final table, which is where the strangeness really began. With six players left in the final event for the 2011 points championship in my home game, I needed to not just win this thing, but also knock out the points leader before anyone else went out. So I had to win enough hands to stay alive, but only against bigger stacks, since any small stack knows my situation and can just raise all-in to watch me fold, since the yearly prize is 4X the size of tonight's tournament.

And this situation actually holds for the better part of an hour, as the small stack to my left cheerfully raises his way back to relevance, between me needing to fold to him and the two points leaders playing super tight. And it almost works, as the points leader goes card-dead and has to play super-conservative himself, since he knows that a knockout takes the cash out of his hands... but eventually his short-stacked A-8 holds over a called A-3, and then K-K gets paid and takes him out of the danger zone. Ah well, it was a nice dream. And it all goes away when the second-place points leader loses a race on the river, taking the last two contenders out in one hand.

I can't say I'm all that disappointed, really: my tournament play has been been so weak this year, and the luck was not good, either. And on some level, I'm glad we don't play for these kinds of stacks more than once a year; it would not, I think, do good things for the camaraderie of the group. And the amazing thing about this kind of tournament is that even though there's big cash on the table, it just seems like it came out of the ether, rather than be something that was built for you over a span of many years. It's a kind of magic, really. And while I didn't take down the biggest pot of the night, luck stayed with me in the cash game, adding up to a Saving Christmas kind of experience. I Love Poker After All! That, or winning money. Probably the latter.

We'll start all of this again on January 20, with new tournament chips (the old ones are going to cash game only status), new blinds structures, deep stack, turbo, mixed games and even Omaha, and eventually some facilities upgrades as well. It's all coming together. Just so long as I keep hitting two-outers on the river...

The Poker Diaries: Two Hours To Idiocy

2011-12-30T18:57:00.002-05:00

So, long story short: I gave up the budget dreams and played a tournament. Just one; just the 8:15 for $100, $85 going to the pot, $15 to the vig. Just under 45 players, since the Borgata controls half of the dwindling amount of poker played in the area, and a third of them female. Not to be sexist, but not the most daunting field I've ever faced. And for a while, it was going so well. But let's just give out the info now, for the benefit of tomorrow night's adversaries.

(Oh, and keeping up on the earlier theme of Don't Go To Harrah's? This poker room is demonstrably worse then mine. The chips have no denominations, the cards aren't as good, the tables don't have speed felt, there's a live band blaring away 100 feet away, and the poker software doesn't update very well at all. You can do better, at Steamboat and Borgata and Harrah's Chester and Delaware Park and Parx and most assuredly at my house, every third Friday, with no rake. Moving on.)

My starting table was as cherry as you could get; borderline drunk chatterbox from Queens, just a ticking time bomb of going to give his chips to somebody, on my right. Too-tight woman who has to tell me about folding her low pocket pair that hits on the river to my left. Guy at the end of the table who likes to expose his muck. Two loose young guys who raise and fold if challenged. And dealers that seem too bored by the whole thing to avoid exposing burn cards pretty routinely. Oh, and there's also lots of free information on flinching from overbets on value, then calling when you put in less. It Didn't Suck. Especially when I kept hitting flops and getting dealt big pairs.

The first hour gets me slowly but surely up to 18K as everyone plays little stack poker. I hit a boat on the river with K-Q as a baby flush holder failed to price me out, then paid me off on the river. A short stack shoved against my K-K big blind; his A-10 caught nothing. After the break, Drunk Guy called my re-raise with an open-ended straight draw, then went all-in as I hit on the turn. I was so sure we were chopping, I miscalled the outcome, only to be corrected by the table. Embarrassing, but cards speak better than idiot players, so. By the time the table broke, I was stealing blinds, still getting hands, and was the big stack at the table by a factor of 4 to 1.

But then... how many times has this happened to you, my poker brethren? Once the tables break, you find yourself surrounded by strangers who have no fear of your tight and right play, because, well, they've seen none of it. And you need to throttle down, and you go card-dead, and get antsy. I folded something like 20 hands with my stack, trying to remain patient and get information on the new and much harder table... when I get A-J offsuit in middle position. Blinds are 800-1600. The under the gun calls, and I make it 4800 to go, thinking that with the table playing this tight, I'm either going to get into no worse than a coin flip with a short stack... and then the next biggest stack, in the big blind, makes it 10K. Under the gun folds, and I'm so lost in thought about the play that I don't even realize it for a minute, or get corrected by anyone at the table. (Yes, dealers are very sharp here.) I'm putting the big blind on air, a dominated ace, or at worst, somewhere in the 7-7 to 10-10 family... in other words, something a good player folds when his tournament life is on the line. And I haven't played a hand in forever, and raised.

I think he'll cave. So I shove.

And for about two minutes, it seems like the right play. He's in agony over the move; he counts chips, looks at my stack, says nothing but thinks it over long enough to make me think that it's Hollywood, like he's just building drama over throwing away suited connectors or some lesser hand. I'm pretty I gave him no information, but you never know. And then he calls, and turns over the worst realistic hand for mine, and why he's been agonizing over it: a pair of jacks. They hold up, and I'm down to 11K. Seven big blinds, dead man betting. And everyone knows it.

Six hands later I see a playable hand again (Q-10 hearts) and get into a 3-way all-in that could triple me back to relevance. The others in the hand are a woman holding A-Q offsuit and the guy holding all of my chips with, yet again, J-J. The flop gives me nothing more than a runner-runner straight draw that whiffs, and that's that. From 34 big blinds with 3 tables left in period 7 to done in two hands, just the way you, well, aren't supposed to do it.

There's a special feeling of sick you get when you blow a tournament, really: just a stomach-churning aura of Dear God In Heaven, I Don't Think I'm Ever Going To Win Anything Ever Again. And honestly, such premature dreams; winning back a portion of the trip, having some confidence by cashing for the first time ever in a casino tournament, ending what has been a challenging and frequently disappointing vacation on a high note, having a Poker Diary entry that ended happy for the first time in too long. Instead, just another clear air turbulence moment of blow up, just another misread in a long, long line of them, just another case of the game you love being something that you really aren't very good at.

And, of course, had my tormentor thrown away his jacks the first time, or I caught an ace... well, who knows, really? That's poker. Horrible, maddening, should be outlawed poker. I'm so ready to host tonight's game.

Blue Balls In A Whorehouse

2011-12-28T23:10:00.003-05:00

So this week, Dear Reader who tolerates my occasional foray into pokerspeak, I'm on "vacation." As you might have read a few months back, at my family's behest, it's in Atlantic City, at Harrah's Resort in the Marina. As I write this, I'm about 150 feet away from the first place where I ever played poker in a casino. It's also, as I write this, the 56th hour that I've been on the premises.

You and I share something; the number of bets we've made in this place during that time. Zero.

Why the non-action? Well, let's see. First and foremost is the No Real Money, which has been growing in its problem nature for two months now, and doesn't seem to be getting any better. Second is the nature of the Shooter Kids: active, demanding, easily bored, looking for runaround time, hungry for time with Dad who works too much, blogs too much, watches sports too much and generally could be more active in their lives. Third is the Shooter Wife, who has a gig on Sunday that needs practice time. So most of my waking hours are spent in thrall to the kids. There's a reason why WSOP champions are in their 20s and childless, folks.

There's also this: spending time in a casino without gambling is like spending time in a bar as a designated driver, or time in a whorehouse as the janitorial staff. After a while, you just start to resent everyone around you for having the means while you do not. And Harrah's was entirely the wrong choice for the family, too. While the room was cheap and nice, everything else is crazy money, and the nice pool area is restricted to 21 and up. I, of course, didn't know this coming in. So I've spent the last 3 days in the Family Fun Center ghetto, where the chlorine is strong enough to kill all of the little ones urine and the cry of MARCO! POLO! is ever-present, pitched to scatter vermin, and giving me this lovely little twitch to match the one I'm getting from Not Gambling. Oh, and the fitness center is 18+, which means my gymnast girls can't even grab a dumbbell to keep me company on the treadmill, because you don't break rules in a casino. The Eyes Are Everywhere, after all.

Crazy money, you say? $12 a day to access the Internet. $5 to park. $11 for two pastries and a chocolate milk. $80 for 2 adults and 2 kids to eat a dinner buffet. $65 for the same to eat burgers; $12 for a takeout burger and soda. $65 for soup and 2 burgers for room service when the kids are nauseous from the chlorine pool they can't stop wanting to go in. We've brought in soda, milk, cereal, bowls and spoons to beat the bastards off of breakfast gougery, gone out to see the December sights (Lucy the Elephant is fairly worthwhile, and I took the Chipmunk bullet so the wife could see Sherlock Holmes 2) and eat anywhere else, and watched my dream of vacation on $150 a day go down faster than my usual poker tournament performance. At least the Internet works well enough for me to hit my crappy free online poker methadone.

In short: I need a vacation from my vacation, and if I actually play well in Friday's end of year tournament with the yearly championship and somewhere around $1200 on the line... it'll be a freaking miracle. Which is to say, the same thing it would be otherwise.

But if I leave you with anything, make it this: don't take your family to Harrah's in Atlantic City. It's just not worth it. Though my hatred of the management is giving me the consolation that, if nothing else, I'm denying them the poker vig they'd be shaking me down for, had I actually money left to play...

Week 17 NFL Picks: The Silly Season

2011-12-28T23:01:00.004-05:00

For those of you that don't follow pro golf -- and really, in the After Tiger age, who does? -- there's a portion of the season that no one really pays all that much attention to. Events are mostly for fun and money, you get lots of weird formats and pro-ams, and players freely miss events because, well, it's the holidays, you could play 52 weeks a year if you wanted to, and life's too short to just chase every dollar. Or so I imagine. They call it the Silly Season.

With so much of the NFL playoff picture already wrapped up, and with the teams that are already out staring down the barrel of a meaningless Adrian Peterson knee injury to failing to contend in 2012 as well, we're going to get a lot of silly this weekend. But hey, no one ever asked us to pick all of the games, right? So... on to the picks!

* * * * *

DETROIT at Green Bay (+3.5)

The Packers have nothing to play for, and a mean defensive line to fear. The Lions are in, but trying very hard to be the road team that knocks off the NFC East winner, rather than the road kill that the Saints will treat like a pinball game. So, let's just say they've got the edge in motivation, and be done with it. Besides, Matthew Stafford, assuming he can remain upright through four quarters, might just be good enough to cover the line on his own, seeing how Green Bay's defense really isn't very good. (And if you are conspiracy minded, you can also assume that the Pack will throw the game to make the playoffs actually seem not so inevitable.)

Lions 24, Packers 20

SAN FRANCISCO at St. Louis (+10.5)

The Niners harbor #2 seed dreams; the Rams are operating with their 3rd QB and a probable lame duck coach. Let's just say this looks like a bargain, in that I expect the Niners to score more than 10.5 points.

Niners 20, Rams 6

NY Jets at MIAMI (-1)

The touts say that the Jets still have a realistic chance at the playoffs and something to play for... but these clowns couldn't get up for a home game and the battle of New York last week, so expecting them to come up big in a road game against a team that might be better than them anyway (in that Matt Moore has more big play potential than Mark Sanchez, which is to say, any) just isn't in my wheelhouse. Of course, this is usually when Rex Ryan is at his best. So flip a coin, then smack yourself, then bet this game. That's kind of how it works.

Dolphins 23, Jets 20

CHICAGO at Minnesota (NL)

One of those who knows games against two teams working with contingency QBs. Normally you'd go with the home team in this situation, particularly when Devin Hester is gimpy, but the Bear defense has a way of making mobile quasi-QBs like Joe Webb come back to earth with a quickness. Besides, the Vikings have more to lose for, if you catch my drift.

Bears 20, Vikings 13

Buffalo at NEW ENGLAND (-11.5)

The Patriots have a possible #1 seed and Tom Brady usurping Drew Brees on their mind, while the Bills are just trying to avoid embarrassment. Considering that they beat the Pats earlier this year, I'm not expecting Belisatan to take the foot off the gas pedal anytime soon. He's also got a habit of playing starters in meaningless games, a la the Wes Welker injury a few years ago; don't look for him to learn a lesson, since he's so smart and all.

Patriots 38, Bills 20

Carolina at NEW ORLEANS (-9)

Lots of people getting on the Panther Bandwagon for 2012, when QB Cam Newton will completely vault over any chance of a sophomore / turnover machine jinx and lead a club with few quality defenders to a double-digit win season. Or, well, not. The Saints are peaking, and seem interested in increasing their point differential for the BCS. Or something like that.

Saints 34, Panthers 20

Washington at PHILADELPHIA (-9)

Oh, count your blessings, Eagles Fan! For one of the very few times ever, your laundry is going to win its last game of the season. You have the bestus coach in the history of the franchise, the bestus owner, the bestus stadium, maybe even the bestus running back. So what if the year was a maddening collection of hubris, gutlessness, carelessness and quit, wrapped in the warm gauze of cotton candy easy wins against teams with no good QB play? We'll get to do it all again next year, with almost the entirely same cast! Also, you could root for the Redskins. Woof.

Eagles 27, Redskins 13

INDIANAPOLIS at Jacksonville (-4)

Oh, you poor Colts fans; if you didn't have a decade of Hall of Fame QB play and a Sexy Rexy giftwrapped Super Bowl in your recent past, I'd have actual sympathy to go with this fake stuff. After a year of dodging the winless bullet, QB Dan Orlovsky has dragged you up from the depths of history to just the depths of the league, and put your #1 pick at peril. And he's going to keep doing that, if only because (a) the Jaguars actually suck worse, (b) if he wins this game, he gets a #2 job backing up Pained Peyton next year, and (c) his coach wants to win the game, too, to make his feeble case at continued employment. If you watch, or bet, this game, you have a problem.

Colts 20, Jaguars 10

Tennessee at HOUSTON (+3)

The Texans don't have as much to play for, but they also have extra rest and the stink of that loss against the Colts to get out of their mouth. Look for a bounce-back against a Titans team that contended without anyone getting excited about them all year. Oh, and RB Arian Foster is going to win someone some money this week.

Texans 24, Titans 16

Tampa Bay at ATLANTA (-12)

How do you think the Bucs management is going to fire Raheem Morris? Me, I think it will be via third-class mail, just to show him that he's worth that little. Or maybe they'll trust one of the current players to do the job. Just don't make it LeGarrette Blount, who will drop the pink slip so many times it will be unrecognizable by the time it gets to him, or Josh Freeman, who's sure to give it to the wrong guy 20 or 30 times. Or any of the other 43 players on the active roster, who will wind up just giving up on the trip to Morris's house. Oh, and bet the Falcons, because they have something to play for, home field, weapons, talent, heart, etc.

Falcons 34, Bucs 14

Baltimore at CINCINNATI (+3)

I'm actually surprised the line is still this low; it started at 1.5. The Ravens should win the game. They have more experience in games that matter, the better defense, the game-changing RB, the veteran QB. But they also stink to high heaven on the road this year, and the Bengals need the game as well. And in a close game on the road, you know what's going to happen, right? Raven penalties on defense, freakouts at the refs, and QB Andy Dalton to WR AJ Green for the win. And Steeler Fan loving every minute of it.

Bengals 24, Ravens 20

PITTSBURGH at Cleveland (NL)

The Steelers will know whether to play hard or not before the game starts, but even on the off chance that this won't matter to them, I like their chances. There's just more weapons here (as in any), and the Browns are just, well, hopeless. As usual.

Steelers 24, Browns 10

KANSAS CITY at Denver (-3.5)

The shorthand of this game is Kyle Orton vs. Tim Tebow, but there's more to it than that. The Denver defense lost its magic when S Brian Dawkins stopped being able to make the call; without him, they are just not sure of themselves. Tebow himself has regressed to the mean on turning the ball over; you can run a ball control offense with 0 to 1 turnovers per game, but you can't get away with it when it's 2 and up. And Kansas City, especially on defense, has been downright stiff in the second half of the season. Had they made a figgie last week against Oakland, they'd still be alive for the postseason in the Wacky West. I think they end the Miracles before the playoffs start.

Chiefs 24, Broncos 16

San Diego at OAKLAND (-3)

Will the Chargers play hard in the Norv Turner swan song? Maybe, but Norvalicious is still going to throw the ball too much and ignore the Raiders' main defensive weakness in his bid to get QB Philip Rivers to 25 INTs for the year, so I don't like the road team's chances. Especially after spitting the bit last week in Detroit, when they still had something to play for. Look for Oakland to run it a lot, dust off RB Darrin McFadden for playoff use just to make his fantasy owners a little more bitter, and win going away. Next stop: a playoff loss, the Bengals getting even more from the Carson Palmer heist, and the highlight of the franchise for the last 10 years. Woo.

Raiders 31, Chargers 24

SEATTLE at Arizona (-3)

There's talk that the Cardinals might want to end the Kevin Kolb Era early, since they have a buyout and he's made of balsa wood and glass... but enough time with John Skelton, and the sad options that are out there in FA Land, should cure them of that delusion pretty quick. As for Seattle, they are clearly a better team than they were a year ago, but the Niners made that hollow consolation indeed when it comes to playoff reservations. There's the seeds of a good division out here, honest.

Seahawks 23, Cardinals 17

Dallas at NY GIANTS (-2.5)

It's for all the Tostitos in New York this week, as the season ends with a winner takes nothing of real consequence game for the NFC East. (Just like last year's epic Rams-Seahawks game.) Dallas comes in with a de facto bye and a banged-up QB with a history of chokery in playoff-esque situations. New York comes in off their biggest win of the year, home field advantage (real, in this case, as it's going to be cold and nasty), and WR weapons that can really stretch the field, assuming they actually, well, catch the damn ball. But the game will come down to the Giants' pass rush against the Cowboys' offensive line, and after watching Big D look like turnstiles against my sad laundry... well, I think this is the game where Jason Pierre-Paul becomes a mainstream superstar. (That little whimper you heard is me thinking about the Eagles taking Brandon Graham instead of him.)

Giants 31, Cowboys 20

Last week: 8-7-1

Year to date: 122-109-7

Career: 527-514-24

Top Ten Reasons Why Mike Brown Thinks The Lakers Are Going To The Playoffs

2011-12-28T00:22:00.000-05:00

Despite the team's shaky start, the departure of Lamar Odom, cloudy injury future for Kobe Bryant and the continuing horror that is a Derek Fisher / Steve Blake point guard platoon in the ultra-competitive West, the new Lakers head coach is certain that his team has the postseason in its future. What makes him so confident?

10) Has already seen the TNT playoff schedules

9) Knows that Phil Jackson really didn't do anything to get all of those rings

8) Understands that Kobe is at his best when he's out chasing tail

7) Thinks that Andrew Bynum will fix everything when he comes back from his suspension, and that once he's back, he's never going to get hurt or commit any more thuggings

6) Believes the team has only just started to scratch the surface of Josh McRoberts' talent

5) Is completely behind the Artest for World Peace trade

4) Hasn't been told that the Clippers got Chris Paul yet

3) Is counting on a big bounce-bank year from Troy Murphy, since lumbering white guys always come back well from injury and multiple teams giving up on them

2) Understands that the shortened sprint schedule has to help older teams with lots of playoff minutes

1) Refuses to believe that the Cavs got as far as they did despite, rather than because of, him

Five Obvious Points About Drew Brees Breaking Dan Marino's Record

2011-12-26T23:58:00.003-05:00

5) This won't stand for 20+ years, the way Old Isotoner's did. Brees will be lucky to own this thing more then 3 years. Unless, of course, he keeps raising his own bar.

4) I have no doubts that Brees is among the best to ever play the game. But he still operates in a dome, with a pass-happy coach, in a division not known for its stout defenses or its inclement road weather. It's basically the equivalent of a Colorado Rockie breaking Bonds' single-season home run record. Or, you know, a great player ramming PEDs into every orifice. One or the other.

3) This would be a much bigger deal in a bigger media market. The NFL is pretty good about spreading the love around, and when you have Pittsburgh and Green Bay ruling the roost, it's hard to cry small market poverty. But the simple fact of the matter is that finding Saints fans 10 years ago was about as easy as finding Rams fans today. It's a constituency of locals and his roto owners, despite the ring. I have no idea why. Maybe it's because he's short.

2) The Chargers moved the wrong QB. Philip Rivers has done fine things in San Diego, and has been a prime reason for their success. He's not as good as Brees. Period. Moving on.

1) Had Miami signed Brees... they'd be a better team today, but there's no chance that Brees would be setting records or getting HOF consideration. But take heart, Fish Fans: you had Marino once upon a time. And no one that you've wanted to remember since...

Eleven NBA Christmas Wishes

2011-12-26T00:51:00.002-05:00

With the season starting today and realizing just how much I missed the action, a few wishes for the beleaguered league and its fans.

11) Intentionally fouling players goes away. As I write this, I'm watching Clips-Warriors, and new Golden State coach Marc Jackson has decided to show us all that he's a genius by fouling weak free throw shotoer DeAndre Jordan every chance he can. It is, of course, unwatchable, and I'd love for a ref who watches this to just start adding in unjustified technical fouls on the Warriors every time they do it, to knock it the hell off. Basketball has artistic merit, dammit, and stopping the play every 20 seconds to hack a guy is just beneath any team with standards. Knock it the hell off.

10) We have a true contending surprise. Right now, you can rattle off a half dozen of the usual suspects who should contend for the NBA title. They include the final four teams from last year (Miami, Dallas, Chicago and Oklahoma City) and the two traditional powers (Boston, LA Lakers). And if the title is won by one of these favored six, or if they wind up playing for the title, no one will blink too much, though that would mean one hell of a comeback year for either of the old guard.

But if one of the cognoscenti small-market and rising clubs -- defined here as Indiana, NY Knicks, Memphis, LA Clippers, and maybe even (gasp) Atlanta, Orlando, Philly, Phoenix, Portland or Houston -- can make a Final Four run?

Well, maybe we actually have some of the unpredictable nature that has helped the NFL succeed so much, or has breathed temporary life into so many different MLB markets. I get that the league is all about rewarding greatness, and that the playoffs are all about coronation champions, rather than honoring the underdog. But at some point, it gets a little old.

9) The Hornets find a buyer. It's absurd that the league has been holding a club in thrall for years, in a small city that hasn't really supported pro hoops on two different occasions, with cuckolded trades and a clearly cursed lineage. They aren't getting another Chris Paul, and you don't recover as a small market club, when your superstar leaves. So let's see this club get a buyer, then move (Kansas City, Seattle, or the eternal fever dream of Las Vegas, awaits).

8) The Maloof Goofs sell the Kings. Look, I don't know how you lose money running a casino, and I don't much care. All I know is that the Maloofs held a city that has done everything to support their team hostage, and that Anaheim needs an NBA team the way that Disney needs more money. And I just don't buy the idea that Arco Arena, one of the few places in the NBA that gave a true home court advantage, is no longer a place you can host a game for a competitive franchise. Bullsquat.

7) Health. With the sprint season, the big worry is that guys are going to be out of shape, banged up, and that we're just going to play the attrition game. But maybe, just maybe, today's player is a little too aware of social media, knows that they are going to be judged hard by a crowd that wants to crap all over the league, and might even have been scared about having to find a gig overseas to get well and truly chubbo. Besides, with the possible exception of Big Baby Davis, Boris Diaw and Eddy Curry, are there really any goo buckets left in the Association?

6) A breakout rookie. Kyrie Irving looks like he's going to be good to me, and I have my eye on a few other guys, from what seemed like one of the weakest rookie crops in years. But it doesn't take much to change that story; a few highlight reels, a hot month or two from a guy taken outside of the lottery, one spectacular Ricky Rubio montage, and we'll be good. It doesn't take much.

5) Absolute silence from the owners. If, in a month or two, we hear from some aggrieved small market cyst talking about how they got hosed from the new CBA and should have held out for more... well, there are reasons why the super-wealthy hire bodyguards. With luck, very inept bodyguards.

4) A step up in broadcast talent. Marc Jackson is in Golden State, hoping to inspire the Warriors with his religious faith and Cookie Monster voice. TNT is experimenting with Shaquille O'Neal in the studio chucklefest, which won't make the show better directly, but might inspire Charles Barkley to not coast outside of the playoffs. Because, well, he does.

3) Good attendance. In Philadelphia, the new owners are doing everything short of giving the seats away to get bodies in the stands. It looks like, from the first day games, that other teams are doing all they can to pump the numbers as well. It bums me out when visible seats are empty; let's hope they get filled. Cheaply.

2) A mild Heat rehabilitation. Look, I'm not asking for the world to love Dwyane Wade, LeBron James, Chris Bosh and Company; I'm just asking for the hate to match the crime. Wronging Dan Gilbert and choosing to work outside of Toronto and Cleveland, combined with some weak PR skills and need for attention, should not qualify you as Villains Of The Millennium. Root against them all you like, but dont' tell me that there's something uniquely loathsome about these guys that you can't say about, oh, the Lakers. Or the Celtics. Or the Knicks. Or the Clipper management. Or Marc Cuban. Or Portland's management. Or...

1) David Stern retires. He's old, corrupt, obnoxious and clearly in the way, and now that the CBA exists, there's really nothing left for him to do. Sell the Bugs, take your media-appointed tongue job, and go discover what every sports league commissioner learns; that your importance exists only while you have the job. And not one minute more...

Merry Christmas from the dojo

2011-12-25T12:51:00.002-05:00

Here's the view of the side room to the Man Cave, which has now been turned into the gymnastics dojo for the Shooter Kids. Not seen: neoprene weight set and resistance bungy bands, all designed to help take my Level 1 and 3 spawn to, well, higher levels.

Best of all was the reaction... because I had them completely convinced that we were setting the room up just for a guest bedroom, and didn't see it coming. Those presents are the best. Along with, well, working out with them this morning.

Probable light posting schedule this week, as I'll be on the road. But you never know.

Top 60 Eagles - Cowboys Takeaways

2011-12-24T20:27:00.003-05:00

The first meaningless game in the history of my laundry in years. But dammit, the takeaways do not end the season early!

60) Chad Hall is much better at taking a knee on deep kickoffs than Dion Lewis

59) Mike Vick had the presence of mind to throw up a jump ball to Riley Cooper after a face mask, leading to a 41-yard catch and flag, and an injury to the wideout

58) Brent Celek's return to relevance continues, just in time for people to get fooled into taking him next year in fantasy

57) This game stopped mattering at 4:27pm, when Mark Sanchez took a safety and ended the season

56) Effective blitzing and the Giants putting it away made the Cowboys bench Tony Romo with a quickness

55) Jason Babin hit Romo's hand with his helmet, which is bound to be a 15-yard penalty and a fine next year

54) Not to cast doubts on the severity of Romo's injury, but I'm pretty sure he was quoting Rodney Dangerfield's lines from "Caddyshack"

53) Stephen McGee in for Romo isn't going to help Jason Babin's chances for breaking Reggie White's sack record, if you need something to feel good about today

52) Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie made a nice break on a ball, one play after getting schooled for a first down, which is basically the essence of the DRC Experience

51) On two straight completed screens, the Cowboys lost five yards, showing a little more hope for 2012 Linebackers

50) Vick avoided a safety for a 20-yard pickup to Jeremy Maclin, and all it cost was the health of both players

49) DeSean Jackson on an end-around when the line makes some blocks just seems crazy easy, really

48) As the year has gone on, Shady McCoy has started to take those "Barry Sanders" comments a little too much to heart

47) The late hit on Jeremy Maclin was so obvious, it got three different flags

46) Jason Avant's turnover from a touchdown is one of those super skill plays that only a remarkably well-coached team that should have the same coach forever can make

45) It's kind of noteworthy that the Fox broadcast crew didn't know the rule, or more likely care, on Avant's turnover

44) Dez Bryant argues no-calls better than any Dallas WR since Michael Irvin

43) Vick had so much time to throw on the play that started the drive with 55 seconds left in the half, it killed the clock

42) I'm not saying that this game lacked drama, but I did fall asleep for a significant amount of time

41) It really would have been nice to see this team play a season where they showed any sense of heart, clue, or timing

40) DJ was clearly more excited by Maclin's touchdown than, well, Maclin

39) Anyone who thinks this Cowboys defense is ready to win a playoff game is high

38) I'm not sure why Rob Ryan is a genius, unless being pregnantly fat as a male requires genius

37) Cullen Jenkins shed a block and stuffed the runner on third and short, wrapping up the Most Valuable Free Agent signing award of 2011

36) Chad Hall successfully lulled the Cowboys' special teams to sleep with fair catches, then actually made a decent return

35) Vick's moves on the penalty play for throwing the ball beyond the line of scrimmage defined "sandlot", as well as "insane" and "dangerous"

34) The subsequent intentional grounding call showed that Vick sometimes (all the time?) cares more about highlight shows than intelligence

33) The Eagles celebrated a special teams play that resulted in a 15-yard flag, because apparently hitting a punt returner who does not signal for a fair catch and squats a little when the catch is made is now a flag

32) Martellus Bennett showed that you don't need to be TE1 to make hay against the Eagles

31) Nate Allen hit Miles Austin on a play where the WR redefined the phrase "alligator arms"

30) When the Dallas defense gets a semblance of a pass rush, Ryan seems just a hair more genius-like

29) Chas Henery seemed inspired by the Jerrytron, at least until late in the game

28) Trent Cole's 10th sack of the year was downright manly

27) Romo's original hand cast with ice pack barely fit in the stadium

26) The TE screen to Celek that went for 39 yards was aided immensely by Terence Newman ignoring the play

25) At some point, you have to wonder if you can really win games with a QB that gets as many passes knocked down as Vick does

24) Alex Henry has now made 13 straight field goal attempts, which means special teams coach Bobby April must also be retained in 2012

23) Juqua Parker's slingshot sack, while in no way dirty, would also be a fine against a superstar QB

22) Chad Hall has clearly taken over for DJ on punt returns, only about two months too late

21) McCoy limped off the field with a clearly audible f-bomb

20) DeMarcus Ware's 18th sack of the year was fairly gruesome, and inspired the rare third down concession draw from Reid

19) Henry actually crushed a 51-yard figgie, by far his best effort of the year, then impeded a possible touchdown kickoff return

18) Brian Rolle nearly had a TAInt, but that would have required him to have hands

17) McCoy went off on a cart, but came back later, which seems like it's just being down for personal stats

16) The Cowboy loss ensures that the NFC East division champion won't have ten wins for the first time in 40 years, which seems to come as some kind of shock to people who are paid to cover football, as if it's news that the division isn't very good any more

15) Derek Landri's sack showed that the only guy the Cowboys are blocking today is Jason Babin

14) Seriously, Bryant never finishes a play without some kind of anger, which doesn't bode well for his professional future

13) McGee telegraphs screens like nobody else in the league, but to be fair, you probably would as well if you got hit half of the times you dropped back to pass

12) On fourth down and trying to preserve the shutout, Bryant beat Nnamdi Asomugha, just to continue the streak of guys beating Nnamdi in the fourth

11) Jason Witten passed Drew Pearson in the all-time Cowboys receiving records in fourth quarter garbage time, which might have been the first real cheer heard from the home crowd today

10) Joselio Hanson broke up a touchdown pass to save the shutout, which is the closest thing to clutch that happened in this game

9) Henery had a punt blocked with 25 seconds left, maybe out of sleepiness

8) McGee showed some top-drawer athleticism to avoid a sack and keep the non-shutout hopes alive

7) For the second straight game, Miles Austin scored a meaningless score late and seemed to care hard about it

6) The loss of the shutout shows that April must go

5) Ronnie Brown recovered a squib kick, which might have been one of his more useful plays of the year

4) The win gives the Eagles a chance to go .500 with a win against Washington, which must matter to someone

3) The idea that you can lose the division when you are 4-1 in it is all kinds of Raiders special, really

2) The amount of drama that Joe Buck and Troy Aikman gave to the Cowboys avoiding the shutout was laudable

1) I can't bet against the NFC East winner in the playoffs fast enough

NFL Week 16 Top 10 Ad Questions

2011-12-24T17:02:00.003-05:00

10) At what point will Domino's stop insulting the people who have been buying their "food"?

9) Does Sprint's unlimited data turn their users into completely obsessed cell phone tools?

8) Why is Santa running to Target, unless he has explosive diarrhea?

7) If Santa is magic, why does he need an iPhone, and if the coverage or gadget fails, does that mean Christmas is ruined?

6) Why are Chevy buyers afraid to be honest with Santa about their hunting habits, seeing how Santa is omniscient?

5) Does Blackberry sell phones now, or just trippy '80s neon bikes?

4) Why does Allstate think that a tree should smell like making love to a lumberjack, since that probably involves fecal matter, body odor and ejaculate?

3) If I shop at Best Buy, will I spend Christmas Eve on my roof in the snow, waiting to be an assclown to Santa?

2) Don't the Christmas ads for Corona seem like the last moments of a suicidally depressed and isolated drunk?

1) Shouldn't the NFL Network stop spending so much money on touch screen technology, and, well, actually get on some cable systems?

and a bonus... If I drink Pepsi Max, will I be as big of a winner as Rex Ryan?

Ten Fantasy Basketball Sleeper and Busts

2011-12-24T01:10:00.003-05:00

Yes, I know; too late to help your league, you hate the NBA, it's Christmas, it's cold, there are wolves after you. Sack up and dig in.

Busts

1) Pau Gasol. I don't know what's wrong with his head, and neither do you. But I do know that the Lakers are going to need him to be one of the top 15 players in the Association, and he's going to have to do that while getting all of those guys on defense that Lamar Odom used to erase. Let's just say he's not going to appreciate Josh McRoberts (or Luke Walton!) very much. Oh, and the Lakers are old, and on the outs, and Kobe Bryant lost faith in him a year ago. Kind of a problem.

2) Blake Griffin. In the real world, he'll be fine; in the numbers game, he's going to stop playing 38 minutes a game and start watching other people dunk a lot as well, because the opposition is going to do everything possible to prevent Chris Paul from turning every game with him into Lob City. Look for the Clips to share the wealth a lot more than they used to. Also, and it's a pretty big problem at this point... when you take Blake, you lose FT%, even to the guy that owns Dwight Howard. Not helpful. And finally, there's this: who really thinks the Clippers can have nice things?

3) Paul Pierce. The eternal under the radar ugly superstar just seems like he's wearing out, and unlike fellow stablemates Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett, he's going to hurt you in the percentages on the way down. Add in the collective shiva that the old guard is still sitting for Kendrick Perkins, the lack of depth now that Jeff Green is sick and Big Baby Davis is gone, and a sense that he's just got too many miles on the tires to keep it up, and I can assure you that he won't be on my team.

4) Steve Nash. The eternal source of three, assists and great percentages is at that point in his career when he can't stay healthy anymore, and while he had fun making Marcin Gortat fantasy relevant last year, you have to wonder how long that will last. The smart thing for Phoenix would be to move him to a playoff team that can hide his defensive shortcomings and limit his minutes, and both of these things are, of course, death to his nerd owners. Stay away.

5) Luol Deng. Last year's sneaky great small forward is going to see a solid 5 minute per game reduction in his burn, as the Bulls are just going to have more margin and bench time than last year's learn as they go bunch. Add in the probable bounce-back year for Carlos Boozer and the infatuation they seem to have for the empty calories that is Rip Hamilton, and I don't like it. Still a great player in the real world, of course.

(More with less comment: Kevin Love because he'll actually get some rest this year, Monta Ellis because he's getting his minutes messed with and then traded for 40 cents on the dollar, Rajon Rondo because his head has been well and truly messed with, Manu Ginobili because he won't stay healthy with this schedule, and Paul Milsap because the league has film on him now, and Al Jefferson is going to spike his usage with less weight and more time with Devin Harris.)

Sleepers

1) Russell Westbrook. Can a first round pick be a sleeper, especially when he seems a step behind Dwyane Wade and Derrick Rose in the Yahoo game as point guard eligible? Yes, because the Thunder play fast, had no meaningful personnel turnover, and he's still young enough to get better. Assuming he doesn't start freezing out Kevin Durant like he did in last year's inexplicable playoff run, I like his chances to be a 20-6-10 guy, and a part of a large number of championship teams. Oh, and unlike Wade and Rose, no real injury history here. Lots to like.

2) Josh Smith. The longtime multi-cat defensive hammer and three-point abomination is said to be down 30 pounds, which is kind of crazy for an energy guy in the first place. There's just a lot of everything here, and with deep sleeper Jeff Teague settling in at point guard for the corpse of Mike Bibby, I like the Hawks' chances to get up and down in the open court more. The 48%/75% percentages mean that he won't hurt you anywhere now, either.

3) Chris Bosh. Ride the unlikable to a grab in rounds 5-6, a solid 1-2 rounds too late, for a PF with C eligibility that plays a ton of minutes, does a little bit of everything except shoot threes, and helps you in both percentage categories. Unlike his running mates, he actually played well in all three rounds of the playoffs, and he's also said to have lost weight and gotten good and mean in the off-season. It won't be as good as when he was the whole show in Toronto, but it's going to be very good indeed, especially if Wade or LeBron James gets banged up (and they will).

4) Marcus Thornton. Man, I love this guy; but it's not hard to love a 21-5-3 who shoots 45/80 and drains 2 three-pointers a game while *also* being a borderline top 10 guy in steals. Wait, you didn't know Marcus was all that? That's because you are making the mistake of thinking that his time in Bugland was relevant, when they gave him 16 minutes a game and eventually shipped him out so that they could see more of Marco Belinni. (No, seriously.) I don't doubt that Marcus isn't really as good as these numbers, and they he gives it all back on defense... but on a Kings team were everyone is playing matador, you aren't pulling the guy who fills it up at the other end. This is fantasy gold right here.

5) Nick Young. The very definition of an empty calorie scorer... but the nice thing about the league is that if you get to 35 minutes a game, empty calories still add up to a meal. Nick is going to be the only consistent three-point threat on a Wiz team that's going to be looking for home run balls, and with talent in short supply here, he's going to play 35 minutes a game. It wouldn't surprise me at all if he gives you 22-4-2 with 3+ three-pointers a game, and you might not even have to pick him before the bench slots are getting filled.

(More with less comment: Kenneth Faried in Denver, who might be an elite energy player. Zach Randolph because people still doubt his physique and head, and shouldn't. Besides, he qualifies at center. Jarrett Jack, who will give someone 15 games of PG1 play, and will then get traded to some team who he will disappoint. Chuck Hayes, because Sacramento will play at a high tempo and he'll be the only one getting the hustle numbers, and the max minutes. And Ben Gordon, who finally gets big minutes with Hamilton in Chicago, and will use them to tweak up to relevance, especially on the bench for teams that need threes.)

We thank you for your indulgence, and return you to actual ball, which will happen in just another 36 hours or so...

FTT Off-Topic: Rescue Me

2011-12-23T02:03:00.002-05:00

Now on Netflix Instant, it's the full run of the FX drama about New York City fire fighters, which ended in 2011 after seven seasons. I really liked this for the first few years, as the anti-hero aspects of Denis Leary's protagonist wasn't something you saw evreyday, and the willingness of the writing staff to kill off characters meant that you didn't get too set in your ways, or locked into a formula.... but as I was getting to what Oscar Wilde called a grand finally, rather than a grand finale, I came to this realization.

"Rescue Me" is basically the same show as "Sex In The City", only for guys.

Here's how.

> Both are set in New York City, and couldn't really be set anywhere else. Whenever the location goes too far away from the essential main character of New York, it suffers.

> Both shows overuse the main appeal of the show; i.e., plainly unrealistic conversations between the main characters.

> Both shows start off as must-see TV with great writing and casts, and eventually devolve into self-parody.

> Both shows try to be realistic, but eventually toss that to the gutter because showing characters scrambling for cash and living from paycheck to paycheck just isn't in the wheelhouse of television writing for very long at all.

> Both suffer from unrealistic continuity. In season 7 in particular, you even have a news media plot in which coverage of the main protagonist's sordid past is considered, with a plainly irritating wink-wink at the audience over how absurd it would be for one character to have done all of this.

> Both lead character actors (Sarah Jessica Parker and Denis Leary) should, well, not be in lead roles anymore on just looks alone. I'm not trying to be mean about this, but there's a reason why we don't put 50-plus year-olds in lead roles. We're monkeys; we weren't meant to live past age 30 to 35, and there's just a hard-wired visual prejudice against seeing people like that gettting it on. Not to be crass or catty about it, but it's just painful after a while to look at them.

> After a while, the central conceit of the show -- will Parker's character settle down, will Leary's character straighten up -- just fails, and you kind of stop caring quite so much. Maybe there's a dramatic limit for how long you can draw something out, or how many seasons a show can or should last... but honestly, by the middle of season six, I had to fight through the urge of just putting this in the background.

> And yet, having said all of that... both shows are plainly worth watching, with the high points being downright riveting, and win on the merits of being a show you haven't seen before. Blaming it for wearing out its welcome after many years of entertaining you just seems kind of petty.

So if you've got some time to spend (and have already watched "Breaking Bad", which is just the best damn thing ever), give it a spin. But just accept it for what it is, and don't get too irritated with it when it loses steam. And appreciate the fairly solid guy dialogue, the solid amount of quality cougar trim, the solid comic set pieces of guys giving each other crap, the nice plot device of talking to the dead, and more. It' a mixed bag, but one that winds up on the positive.

NFL Week 16 Picks: Winning Out

2011-12-22T02:22:00.004-05:00

So in my town of football, there are two camps; those who have checked out on this Eagles team for months and refuse to get sucked into the false dawn of a two-game winning streak to get to 6-8, and those that think if they just somehow get themselves into the dance, that they'd be a hard out... and even imagine some kind of miracle scenario where they get to the NFC championship game in Green Bay or New Orleans. You know, kind of like the 2008 year, when Michael Bush gave the laundry the chance to run all the way to Phoenix and Coach For Life Reid's second loss to Kurt Warner with a Super Bowl on the line.

That's kind of like the rest of the NFL, really; the vast majority of people are done with their fantasy leagues, trying to figure out a playoff window, or just getting their ducks in a row because, well, it's Christmas. I'm more in the latter camp myself, but the picks have been going well, and in a world where the Chiefs can beat the Packers, the Giants can get absolutely hammered by the Redskins, and the top seeds all seem about as sturdy as a house made of straw, you just let it ride. And pick every game, and try to make a few more bucks for the holidays. And with that... on to the picks!

* * * * *

HOUSTON at Indianapolis (+6)

Now that the Colts have their relief win, and the Texans their dispiriting loss, it's time for the classic reversion to the mean game... especially since the Texans need the win for playoff positioning, and the Colts need the loss to make sure that Jim Caldwell gets canned, and that they get Andrew Luck in the draft. The number gives me no pause, because I think the Texans are up for a long time in this one, and put it away with the running game late.

Texans 24, Colts 13

DENVER at Buffalo (+3)

Here's the really funny thing about the Tim Tebow Era... as he's getting better, his team is getting worse. Last week in Denver, they ran out to a big early lead with a ton of rushing yards in the first quarter, but the defense could not hold it despite a huge time of possession edge. Assuming he can avoid an early stink bomb in Buffalo, I think they get the lead this time and hold it, if only for the fact that Buffalo's tight ends don't present nearly the same problem as New England's. Also, it's not as if the Broncos can't play in the cold.

Broncos 24, Bills 16

Arizona at CINCINNATI (-4)

Reality check time for second-string QB John Skelton, who will have the usual rookie QB road blues against a Cincy team that's still in the fringe of the playoff hunt. (Well, technically, so are the Cardinals, but please.) I think the Bengals get a defensive score in this one, which will make the cover a lot easier.

Bengals 27, Cardinals 17

Jacksonville at TENNESSEE (-7.5)

Which Jags team shows up -- the guys that beat down the quitters in Tampa, or the ones that got absolutely handled last week? I'm looking for the latter, if only because the Titans haven't quit, and are probably well and truly bent over being the only Indy Victim this year.

Titans 31, Jaguars 10

OAKLAND at Kansas City (-2)

I'm going contrarian here... I just don't see the Chiefs coming up with great back to back games, even at home, even against a Raiders team that can't stop the run. It's not a charming feeling going with Carson Palmer on the road, but it's also not thrilling to go with Kyle Orton, either. And neither of these teams can be trusted. So go with the road dog in a coin flip.

Raiders 25, Chiefs 24

MIAMI at New England (-10)

Miami still has a bit of fight in them, and the Patriots tend to let late covers happen, especially at home, where they like to take their foot off the gas and the starters in the fourth quarter. Take advantage of the too much number, and know also that this defense means that all things are possible. Especially if you get pressure on Dreamboat Brady, which I think the Fish can do in this one.

Patriots 31, Dolphins 24

New York Giants at NEW YORK JETS (-3)

Rex Ryan said that he had the better team this week, and the nasty little fact of things is that he's right. They run the ball better, they stop the pass better, they seem to care for their coach, and they play in a much better division. They also benefit from playing the Giants when their starting TE is banged up (since, as Brent Celek just demonstrated, the Jets are awful against TEs right now), their secondary is in tatters, and they've been in a tailspin for much of the last two months. One more domino falls for the Eagles playoff run. And an 8-8 division champion. Bleah.

Jets 24, Giants 20

ST. LOUIS at Pittsburgh (-17)

Pretty big line for a home team that can't run the ball, protect the QB, or keep him healthy. The Rams aren't going to score very much in this game, and they aren't going to win it, either. But they will cover, if only because this Steeler team doesn't lock it down on defense nearly well enough to cover this line. And if Big Ben misses the game...

Steelers 20, Rams 6

MINNESOTA at Washington (-6.5)

I'm going with the road dog here mostly because I think that some Skins Fans might actually be starting to think that Rex Grossman might be their QB in 2012, and that it might not be another year of their lives wasted. The Vikings also have some players, and the line is too high for a dog team. Especially one that has burned up any good energy from their home crowd for, well, most of the century.

Vikings 24, Redskins 20

Tampa Bay at CAROLINA (-7.5)

Not sure I'd take the Bucs to cover 10 points on the road against any team in the league, let alone one with actual offensive weapons and reasons for hope. The season can't end fast enough for Buc Fan, who has had to endure a team-wide mutiny of quit that came out of the clear blue sky. When a talented young team goes this far south this quickly, it's just not pretty at all.

Panthers 31, Bucs 17

Cleveland at BALTIMORE (-13)

The dreaded every other week problem for the Browns, who get to go to Baltimore to face a team that got punked in San Diego, needs the game to lock up the division, and just plain owns them. Browns Fan, take heart: Art Modell has to die one day. But for now, continue to test that patience of yours.

Ravens 31, Browns 17

SAN DIEGO at Detroit (-3)

Is Norvalicious going to save his job yet again? Charger Fan sure as hell hopes not, but after another solid win against a talented team, it might be inevitable. Assuming that the road team can keep its QB upright. they'll take advantage of a suspect secondary and a Detroit offense that's one dimensional and turnover prone.

Chargers 24, Lions 20

PHILADELPHIA at Dallas (-3)

There's just no getting rid of Coach For Life Andy, is there? Nope, and maybe not even the Little Moron That Could, Juan Castillo, who has somehow parlayed two wins over suspect Fish and Jets teams into a chance to keep his defensive coordinator job despite rampant malpractice and screwups that cost this team an easy ride into the playoffs. As for this game in question, it will mean something to both teams, and it will be decided by the club that doesn't crap the bed with turnovers. So, basically a coin flip, but I'll take the team that has the best RB in the game, and a growing sense that Destiny is coming again to save their status quo. Their horrible, maddening, exasperating and alienating status quo...

Eagles 24, Cowboys 20

SAN FRANCISCO at Seattle (+2)

Who would have thought that Marshawn Lynch against the Niners' defense would be a meaningful matchup in December, let alone something borderline historic? The Niners still look like a one and done limited playoff team to me, but maybe I'm judging them too harshly, especially if they can start getting TE Vernon Davis back to being a consistent threat. There's also something inspiring about a team that just doesn't allow anyone to run for a touchdown against them; I'm envious, really. As for the Seahawks, there's something happening here, but they are still a fair number of linemen away from it being consistent.

Niners 20, Seahawks 14

Chicago at GREEN BAY (-13)

Sure, the Pack is beat up and not playing for anything, but the Bears are either going to go with Josh McNown or Caleb Hanie, on the road, against a club that wants to prove that last week was a fluke. This doesn't add up to a road cover. It might not even add up to a road cover in the first half.

Packers 31, Bears 10

Atlanta at NEW ORLEANS (-7)

Finally a solid game on MNF, where home field and superior firepower adds up to the Saints putting the NFC South to rights. Atlanta won't get as close as they did in the fourth and Mike Brown Is A Moron game, and with Dan Marino's all-time passing record in sight, it's very possible that this one gets a little out of hand. Nice year to be a Drew Brees owner in fantasy. (And no, I'm not. Sigh.)

Saints 34, Falcons 24

Last week: 8-7-1

Year to date: 114-102-6

Career: 519-507-23

The 2011-2012 NBA Year In Predictions

2011-12-21T00:14:00.003-05:00

So here we are, five days before the start of the NBA 66-game sprint season, and we're still shuffling out free agents, injuries, the intrigues of major trades, the importation of overseas talent in a few months and more, more, more. It's a fool's errand to predict what will happen, but you don't care about the NBA without an awful lot of foolishness these days. So let's have at it, shall we?

Eastern Conference

1) Miami 48-18
2) Chicago 46-20
3) Boston 40-26
4) Atlanta 39-27
5) Orlando 37-29
6) Indiana 36-30
7) New York 34-32
8) Philadelphia 33-33

Miami over Philly, Chicago over New York, Indiana over Boston, Atlanta over Orlando

Miami over Indiana, Chicago over Atlanta

Miami over Chicago

A few things... I hate picking the Celtics as 14 games over .500 in an off-season where they dangled their point guard off a bridge, and they lost depth with Jeff Green's ailment and Big Baby Davis leaving for greener pastures. But they know how to play together, they have a coaching and home court advantage, and the Ray Allen - Kevin Garnett - Paul Pierce troika are still too ornery to let the defensive intensity slide. But if any of those guys go down, look out below; as the 7-game difference between third and out shows, it's not going to take very much to be gone here. I'm probably also overvaluing Orlando, but think Dwight Howard Contract Year is a mighty powerful motivation. Indiana looks dangerous to me, I don't like the Knicks to stay healthy, and my Sixers could actually be a lot better than this, but probably won't be. As for the playoffs, the only upset is Indiana rolling out the old in the first round; otherwise, this is a lot of same-old same-old, which is what should happen in a year where talent moves aren't going to work very well, due to the awkwardness of playing with new players.

Western Conference

1) Oklahoma City 44-22
2) Dallas 42-24
3) LA Clippers 40-26
4) Denver 38-28
5) San Antonio 36-30
6) Memphis 35-31
7) LA Lakers 34-32
8) Phoenix 33-33

OKC over Phoenix, Dallas over Lakers, Memphis over Clippers, Denver over San Antonio

OKC over Memphis, Dallas over Denver

OKC over Dallas

Wow, is this going to be a train wreck. Even if a team starts to separate themselves, the schedule is going to murder everyone, and the teams that have depth (Denver, Memphis) don't quite have the frontline talent to win the fresh games. I like the Thunder to be the best of a very tight pack, with Dallas having their bacon saved by the Lamar Odom trade. The Clips are going to be everyone's fun team in the regular season, but look out for Denver, who are going to be an energy monster with an even greater home court advantage than usual. As for the Lakers... wow, I don't like their energy or their chances. But at some point, Andrew Bynum and Pau Gasol have to turn it around, and Kobe Bryant drags them over the finish line. To the mother of all vengeance sweeps from Odom and the Mavs.

The Finals... OKC over Miami. And LeBron James officially becomes known more as a punchline than anything else.

Rookie of the Year: Kyrie Irving

MVP: LeBron James

Defensive Player of the Year: Dwight Howard

All-NBA First Team: Howard, Dirk Nowitzki, Kevin Durant, LeBron James and Chris Paul.

All-NBA Second Team: Bryant, Blake Griffin, Russell Westbrook, Derrick Rose and Dwyane Wade.

All-NBA Third Team: Carmelo Anthony, Zach Randolph, Paul Pierce, Danny Granger and Al Horford.

All-Rookie Team: Irving, Kenneth Faried, Derrick Williams, Ricky Rubio and Bismack Biyombo

Coach of the Year: Doc Rivers

Top 10 reasons why the Mavericks are not getting their due

2011-12-19T23:41:00.002-05:00

According to starting forward Shawn Marion, the Mavericks are being overlooked by the national media in their attempt to repeat as NBA champions. Why is the national media disrespecting the champions?

10) Reflex action to believe that any team from Dallas is actually a pure pretender

9) Still having a hard time believing that a team with a 87-year-old starting point guard could take home the hardware

8) Dirk's ex told them they won, and we all know how trustworthy she is

7) Once they lost J.J. Barea, there's no one around to provide spunk and get Andrew Bynum suspended

6) If your team brings in Vince Carter, that pretty much kills any residual joy from a title

5) When the NBA lockout happened and Marc Cuban somehow kept to the party silence line, the media had to exact a terrible vengeance

4) With Tyson Chandler now in New York, the team might set a new NBA record by having absolutely no blocked shots this year

3) It's to be expected, given how much better the Lakers are now, and how the Heat are just filled with guys you can count on in the crunch

2) As any knowledgeable NBA observer can tell you, this title was entirely the doing of DeShawn Stevenson, and he's gone now

1) The next NBA champion that feels that they have received enough respect will be the first... ever

50 Eagles - Jets Takeaways

2011-12-18T19:48:00.002-05:00

Well, despite everything they have tried to do this year, the Eagles still actually have a playoff possibility in this game. Which means they get to lose one more meaningful game at home this year, or save Coach For Life Reid's job. Either way, Philly Fan loses, but you knew that already, right? Let's get to it!

50) Not to say this team has a home field disadvantage, but on the first big play to Brent Celek, the crowd yawned

49) For the second straight week, Casey Matthews actually made a play, and is showing some signs of actually belonging in the NFL

48) The Jets' offense didn't exactly cover themselves with glory in trying to tackle Juqua Parker on the Eagles' first touchdown

47) The fact that the Eagle defense got a score, a sack, and two straight three and outs while the crowd went meh tells you a little something about how much this town has checked out on this team

46) For the second straight week, Curtis Marsh made an absolutely inexcusable special teams mistake, showing that Colt Anderson really was that important

45) Celek's third touchdown of the year was downright manly

44) Jason Babin is going to break Reggie White's single season sack record, which kind of makes all of us who actually saw White play very, very sad

43) If you had two seconds left in the first quarter for this week's first pointless Eagles timeout, you win the pool

42) Michael Vick drew a 15-yard penalty for charging into a linebacker, because that's just what happens in the NFL now

41) DeSean Jackson made a key third down catch on CB Darrelle Revis, and made sure to celebrate, since it's not going to happen that often

40) Vick scored on a rushing touchdown for the first time in a year on a play that very few QBs ever make, proving that his ribs aren't so bad any more

39) Brian Schottenheimer showed he's a genius by having success running in the middle, then failing on runs to the outside

38) Part of the reason why the crowd didn't seem too into this game is the fact that a solid third of them were rooting for the Jets

37) Shady tied Steve van Buren's club record for rushing touchdowns in a season, which is kind of amazing, seeing how Shady had to pretty much succeed in every opportunity he had this year to get that many scores

36) Mark Sanchez is really good at holding the ball until a sack can materialize

35) As Dion Lewis' kickoff fumble showed, the decay in the special teams in the last month has been pretty dramatic

34) Plaxico Burress getting the defensive PI call on Nnamdi Asomugha showed that the WR doesn't need a chance at the ball for the call to be made now

33) Santonio Holmes scored down the gut, then went for a flapping Eagles taunt, just to show that he doesn't care about the scoreboard

32) McCoy lost a fumble for the first time all year, and at just about the worst possible time, which is to say, the only time this team makes turnovers

31) For everyone who says that Jackson has checked out on his team, please note that he's the guy who's always making the tackle on turnover returns

30) Six turnovers in 27 minutes in dry weather should tell you all you need to know about the quality of both of these teams

29) Noting that our high draft picker can't even try from 60 yards, that the offensive line can't defend on a Hail Mary against a 3-man rush, and that we might have had time to make the last drive count for points had we not wasted two timeouts earlier just shows that you're an irrational Coach For Life Andy Reid Hater

28) Antonio Cromartie's second half kickoff return was another We Miss Colt Anderson moment

27) Sanchez seemed to collapse from ennui, or just has a ridiculous glass jaw

26) Jeremy Maclin blocked two different guys on a 73-yard play to Celek where the tight end looked like he needed an oil change late

25) McCoy's 19th score of the year might have been his easiest

24) Just in case Eagle Fan was developing hope for the playoffs, Asante Samuel and DeSean Jackson left with hamstring injuries

23) Not to put too fine a point on this, but the Jets might have played their worst game of the year, and right tackle Wayne Hunter in particular was completely overmatched

22) Babin's third sack of the day was entirely one-handed, as he's obviously getting bored of the two-handed variety

21) Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie and Jamar Cheney combined for a pick, which made Cheney the first Eagles LB in 15 years to have 3 picks in a year -- no, seriously

20) Jerome Kerley picked up an unsportsmanlike flag for blocking after a fair catch signal, or doing what Brian Mitchell did for his whole damn life

19) Castillo actually looked happy to be a coordinator today, and for actual cause, which means he'll get to keep his job, too

18) The Eagles' idea of killing the clock with a late lead: having Mike Vick run around for 15 seconds and take a big hit

17) McCoy's third touchdown of the day... might have been easier than the second

16) When Vince Young comes in and we don't all hate it, you know it's a pretty odd day in the life of the 2011 Eagles

15) The team may have finally figured out a way to avoid blowing a fourth quarter led -- i.e., have such a large one that it's impossible to do it

14) On some level, Philly Fan is disappointed that he didn't get to boo anything today

13) Babin picked up a roughing the passer flag in garbage time for making Sanchez smell his glove

12) Burress became the latest WR in the fourth quarter to beat Asomugha for a touchdown

11) Young, in case you were wondering, is still completely horrible

10) When Mark Brunnell and Joe McKnight are in, you can safely stop writing game notes

9) The Jets have never beaten the Eagles in a regular season game, which would mean something if the teams met more than 8 times in 38 years

8) Honestly, it's kind of hard to draw any real conclusions from this game beyond the Jets played turrible

7) Between this and the Patriots de-pantsing God and Country in Denver, CBS kind of took a hard day in the ratings

6) New York is still in line for a playoff spot, which is to say, none of this really mattered

5) Reid went to Mike Kafka for the kneeldown, because he wasn't sure that Young was smart enough to execute that play

4) Rich Gannon made multiple references to Mike Vick's hyperbaric chamber, because that was far more interesting than anything else in this game

3) The big win means that Reid and Castillo are clearly going to get contract extensions, just to make sure Eagle Fan takes no joy in the win

2) Next week's False Hope Bowl in New York will now be downright interesting

1) There will be at least one more meaningful week of Eagles football in 2011, assuming there was such a thing as any meaningful weeks of 2011 Eagles football

In News Even Fewer Of You Care About Than Usual: The NBA Fantasy Auction Draft

2011-12-18T02:45:00.002-05:00

Last year's team won it all, as a fell-into-it pick fo Derrick Rose worked like gangbusters, and early season health translated into a lead where I was able to move Manu Ginobili and Stephen Jackson for Steve Nash and Monta Ellis. (The joy of keeper leagues.) Combined with all-year goodness from Dwyane Wade, Al Jefferson and Nene, I had enough to take down by second league championship in nine years. Fantasy basketball is actually my favorite roto sport of all, because you actually have to know about the won-loss record of various teams, since minutes will change if a team tanks. So here's the starting lineup; asterisk players were keepers. (12 players, 8 categories with the usual pieces but no turnovers, roto scoring, full year.)

PG Derrick Rose $25 *
SG Dwyane Wade $50 *
G Devin Harris $8 *
SF Michael Beasley $6 *
PF Al Jefferson $31 *
F Elton Brand $14
C Nene Hilario $7 *
U Kobe Bryant $48
U Caron Butler $5
B1 Nick Young $1
B2 Kenneth Faried $1
B3 John Salmons $1

I sort of fell into Kobe at $48. I'm not a huge fan of his this year; divorce and a lot of miles on the tires with a clearly worse team is not going to do good things for his ratios, and if the team struggles to make the playoffs, there's no telling what he might do (mostly, take a ton of time to come back from an injury). But at $48 for a potential top 10 player, as well as a guy who might just go on a four-month bender of stat-tastic hate, it's a gamble I had to take. (Besides, I was out of position on Dirk Nowitzki.)

Elton Brand is my first Sixer of note for years and years. He's a pretty steady presence by now, and just might be far enough past the injuries to show a little more growth. There's also something appealing about a possible 16/10 guy who doesn't kill your ratio numbers.

Caron Butler at $5 made me really happy, in that I kept getting aced out of the guys I wanted, and was really worried that I wasn't going to get a credible starter to fill my roster. On a Clippers team that has actual breakout potential, he could deliver a lot more value. And if he has issues, John Salmons does a lot of everything, and the percentages should be taken care of by the others.

Threes could be a problem, which is why Nick Young is on the roster. He's pretty strong empty calories, but I hold out hope that he can add a little more to his game with minutes and experience. It's the rare NBA player who can't fall into a few assists, boards and steals if he's on the floor for 30+ minutes a game. Finally, Kenneth Faried just seems like a reasomable hope for the kind of multi-category fantasy goodness that only comes from a guy who makes the NBA on energey and athleticism. It's a long shot, but I could see him being a poor man's Shawn Marion type.

I'm probably going to struggle in threes and free thow percentages, do well in points, asissts and boards, and generally contend. So long, of course, as we stay healthy. That's the secret truth of sports in general, and fantasy sports in particular; you aren't winning if you aren't lucky and healthy.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog.

2011's Top 10 Flashes In The Pan

2011-12-17T01:08:00.003-05:00

In the lobby of my business hotel while on my latest trip, I pawed through a newspaper, mostly to distract myself from the same-old same-old breakfast. In that dead tree of local advertising, I found this small tidbit: Jessica Lynch, the one-time cause celebre / manipulated tool of the American media who wanted to put a blonde white woman in the middle of the Iraqi war effort, has completed a teaching program. She will now, presumably, go further into obscurity, and spend the remainder of her working days trying to duck a decreasing number of guys at paret-teacher nights who want her to talk about her brush with fame.

And kudos to her for that, really; it can't be easy to turn aside dubious stardom for a far more ordinary, albeit sustainable, life. I'm sure that someone offered her five figures and up to disrobe before a camera. It speaks to an odd but potent amount of personal honor, or maybe just shyness, that she had the fortitude to say no to that. It's her life and her choice, and as choices go, that one is pretty great; I hope my grown daughters would, in a similar circumstance, do the same.

But what it made me wonder about is the following; who is important right now in our Blogfrican world that, well, won't be six months from now? And more importantly, will there be any surprise to it at all?

10) Jose Reyes. Hard to say this signing was such a splash now that the Marlins were already trumped by the Angels landing Albert Pujols, but a week later, it's still hard to see what the Fish were thinking. Reyes isn't the type of guy who is going to drag a team to contention, stay "healthy" if the team is out of it and there are no personal goals to achieve, or age well. The only way he'll be relevant outside of fantasy sports again is a trade.

9) Jimmer Fredette. Last week, the Kings made a small under the waves signing: guard Marcus Thornton, who they stole from the Hornets, to a multi-year and suspiciously large contract, at least to people who actually believed that the NBA owners were going to practice austerity given the HORRIBLE FINANCIAL CONDITIONS they've been under. (Wink, wink. Having the media report your lies as fact is fun, isn't it?) Anyway, assuming that Thornton doesn't rest and vest with his new deal, this speaks volumes to what the Kings are going to do at the off guard position; play the unknown athletic black guy who's actually kind of good, rather than the college white boy freak show who will sell jerseys and tickets for a very brief period of time, before the world realizes that unlimited shooting range doesn't translate when half of the league can outquick you. The college game does not translate to the NBA, people...

8) Billy Beane. You could argue that he's not even relevant now, but as the latest same-old same-old sales (hey, Josh willingham hit here a little in 2011; that means he's gone in 2012) and moves of young plus pitchers for dubious returns show, there's nothing new under the sun in Oakland. Which makes anyone with a pulse wonder; why is he still there, when presumably there are other, more plush clubs willing to pay for GM magic? Because (a) he's a part-owner and in there like a fat woman in a hot bathtub, and no other team finds him all that magical. Count the 47 remaining A's fans in that group, by the way.

7) Peyton Manning. Have you noticed how quickly corporate America has moved to new spokespeople during NFL games? It's because no one wants a guy who isn't playing, no matter the reason, and the dirty little secret of Elder Manning is that he really might not ever play again. The lifetime records don't really mean that much (in this pinball football age, they won't last more than 10 years anyway), it's not as if he hasn't banked enough coin in his life to buy a country or six, and if he leaves now, he gets to keep his health, his reputation, and his one laundry icon image. Especially if/when the Colts suck into Luck. And it's not as if any new team's fan base is going to be very understanding of any struggles or patient in any way. This way lies Favre...

6) Kobe Bryant. Not exactly a good week for the best 2-guard of this century; he loses his best 2-way teammate (Lamar Odom) for nothing of tangible value, the team signs a defensive hole (Josh McRoberts) to play the 4, and after David Stern caves to small marketeers, the club more or less emasculates what's left of Pau Gasol. Coach Phil Jackson is gone, and the boarder Clips are now the chic pick in front-runner LA. Oh, and he's got more miles on his legs than a Kenya marathoner.

Does he pule for, or get, a trade? Unlikely. Can the team bring in Dwight Howard, Superman-like, to make them relevant again? Can't imagine it; there are no young assets here that make sense for Orlando to start over with, and after that Shaquille O'Neal experience, you had to think that Orlando isn't anxious to continue the trend of sending great big men to Staples. Can Andrew Bynum stay healthy while becoming a top five option in the pivot? Hell no; Bynum can't even stay on the court when he is healthy now, having gone all Wrestling Heel on JJ Barea in the foldo sweep against the Mavs last year. Add it all up, and it spells the long dark twilight. At least he's getting paid. A lot.

4) Bill Cowher. Here's a fun little fact about coaching NFL games that the national media never seems to get: you really shouldn't do it into, say, your '50s. By that point, you are old enough to be well and truly out of touch with your players, and you are also, due to the continuingly curious hiring standards of NFL ownership, not likely to be their skin color. You're going to be out of shape while demanding that they be in it. You are going to be stuck in an offensive and defensive mode of play calling that was forged 20-30 years ago, for the most part, without enough adjustment and evolution into stuff that actually works now. You will also be far more likely to have grown children that demand your time; you neglect them at your peril. And you just find yourself passing out at your desk if you try to live the same hours as an obsessive 20-something.

This is why young men win the World Series of Poker. This is why old coaches that go into broadcast booths never seem to leave them. And this is why Bill Cowher, who left on his own accord and will never, ever, walk into a situation with better ownership or a more forgiving fan base, ain't taking big dollars to go to Jacksonville or Miami or Kansas City or any other place you can mention. But he's very flattered that you all keep pining for him.

3) Chris Berman. There is no better tenured position for a celebrity in America than to be a sportscaster. You don't have to be good at your job, funny, likable or even self-conscious enough to understand that your worth in this world is maybe a thousandth of what you think it is. All you need is for the viewing habits of the public to not change, and for the most part, they don't. The people who have been watching the World Wide Lemur now have been doing it for so long that they just don't think about it. Seriously, when's the last time you actively thought about which channel you were putting on for pre or post-game timewaste?

So why will this change? Because cable is going (has to go) to a la carte pricing; the economy, and the ever-growing number of cord-cutters, especially among young people without ingrained habits (i.e., the people that advertisers absolutely have to reach), demands it. When that happens, the gross numbers for ESPN go down, and the bean-counters there will start to put a hard eye on what they can live without. Oh, and add to that point the little joy that is the NFL getting bigger and bigger contracts from them. All of which is eventually going to lead to some suit asking this asshat to take a 30-40% pay cut or retire. One assumes that won't taste too good, and a diminished role will ensure. And the ratings... won't change a whit. But your life will be better, really. So enjoy that when it happens.

2) David Stern. Oh, he's not going away anytime real soon; we'll still be looking at his craven puss in June as he makes some awkward speech on the floor at the Finals, and tries to ignore the boos (good luck with that) from any sentient fan. But he's got about as much credibility now with the players and media as a Wall Street lobbyist. From the lockout lies to the Chris Paul debacle, piling up on top f the Seattle screwjob and the Vancover screwjob and the enforced white man's wear for players that could buy and sell him on the open market... it's all old, old, old. No one likes, respects, or fears him anymore, and as soon as the Hornets are sold off, he'll be about as relevant as Bud Selig in MLB. And possibly less well-liked. (Wow.) So why on earth should he stay, other than spite?

1) Tim Tebow. The overwhelming answer to this question, if only because QBs that take 20-30 hits a game by design can't possibly have a long NFL career. Independent of any other factor at work here -- the massive media coverage, the clear flint eye from his own management, the sense that every wacky running game play gets schemed and solved with a quickness in the NFL (remember the WILD! Cat?)... this ain't going to last. It just can't. So, you know, enjoy it while you can, crucisniffers....

Sports Socialism

2011-12-16T02:23:00.002-05:00

According to a fun little piece in the Gray Lady today, the average American television cable or satellite subscriber pays about $100 a year for sports programming... whether they watch it or not.

Which, of course, speaks to two very different points:

1) A solid majority of the American populace are subsidizing activities they do not approve of with their entertainment purchase, or to make things more clear, being robbed each and every day, most clearly by ESPN, and

2) When, not if, things go to an a la carte basis, everyone who watches sports is going to pay roughly twice as much as they currently do for cable and satellite.

And when that day happens... we'll pay it. Maybe we'll give up good beer for weak, or a restaurant trip a month, or movies in the theater or a half dozen other things, but sports programming won't be one of them. At least, not for the hardcore folks.

Now, there's also this.

When you read how television networks have paid some ungodly number for the rights to broadcast the NFL... that's eventually coming from you. When you see the whiz bang graphics, sets and remote broadcasts from the World Wide Lemur, that's coming from you. When you watch anything but game, you enable all of this all the more, because those ratings get wrapped into the same fat cigar of burned cash.

So, if you'd like your cable bill to stay sane after the inevitable a la carte price surge, because non-sports viewing cable subscriber is well and truly ready to just go to the Internet (in the guise of Netflix, Hulu, and a load of other providers) for their entertainment needs...

Turn off anything that isn't game. Turn off games that you are just watching in the background. Walk away from the yammer shows, the replay replays, the pregame hype, all of it. And slowly, slowly, slowly start to put the toothpaste back in the tube and starve the beast.

Before, well, it starves you.

Top 10 reasons why the NBA allowed the Chris Paul to the Clippers trade

2011-12-15T03:05:00.003-05:00

10) Unlike the Lakers deal, this ensures that Paul won't be going to a major market

9) Wanted to make Bill Simmons way too happy

8) Controlled experiment to ensure that both CP3 and Blake Griffin suffer career-ending injuries

7) Pretty sure that Paul will skip the team at the end of his contract, which means more exciting PR next summer

6) Kia called in one hell of a favor

5) After 30+ years of doing just enough to get revenue sharing checks, it's just so cute now that the Clips are actually trying to win games

4) Dan Gilbert said this trade was OK

3) After last week's cuckolding and media smackdown, even David Stern isn't so tone deaf as to cancel another deal

2) Paul didn't choose to go to the Clippers, which makes it all OK

1) At the end of the day, just can't say no to that lovable old teddy bear Donald Sterling

Week 15 NFL Picks: The End Is Nigh

2011-12-14T03:06:00.003-05:00

Most years, I get wistful about the end of the NFL season. The weather is turning cruddy, the weekends will start being all about individual games that might not be all that interesting, it's going to be another eight months before the sport that Americans care about more than any ten others, and... nope. From the lockout mind games to the most disappointing team in my franchise's history, from the constant cuckolding of defensive players to the worst season in my fantasy football experience, I just want it over already. Sorry if you feel differently, or are a Packer fan, or are getting your Jebus on with Tim Tebow, but I'm just not feeling it. Even though the picks are making money. And with that... on to the picks!

* * * * *

Jacksonville at ATLANTA (-11.5)

Can Maurice Jones-Drew go for four touchdowns in back to back weeks and give the Jaguars a semblance of a pro offense?

No.

So take the Falcons, especially at home, and don't worry your pretty little head about the points, because the Jaguars defense is secretly beat up. And the Falcons are starting to look like a frisky little under the radar playoff team, especially if they somehow get a home game. Too bad they play in the same conference as the Packers and Saints.

Falcons 31, Jaguars 13

DALLAS at Tampa Bay (+7)

What the hell was that, Tampa? A complete and utter de-pantsing to the cross-state rival Jaguars speaks volumes about the level of quit in this year's secret stink team. Oh, and by the way, Delusional Eagle Fan? After Dallas wins this game, the Eagles will be mathematically eliminated. Expect it to be obvious by halftime, even though the Cowboys aren't nearly as good without RB DeMarco Murray.

Cowboys 24, Bucs 10

Miami at BUFFALO (+1.5)

New coach, road game, cold weather, against a team that has a home crowd and gives a damn. A week ago, when the Fish were looking frisky, this might have been a game, but not any more. Besides, with Matt Moore shaking off the effects of a concussion, this might be the return of J.P. Losman to upstate New York. Bills Fan, try to contain your joy, and remember the good times. After all, I'm pretty sure he was better than Trent Edwards.

Bills 27, Dolphins 17

SEATTLE at Chicago (-3.5)

I realize this is a sucker bet. I know that Chicago at home in December has mystical powers, that Seattle are weak kittens on the road, and have a short work week after beating up the Rams. But when push comes to shove, I just can't go with Caleb Hanie anywhere, especially with no Matt Forte, a week after they got their season Tebowed. Besides, the Seattle defense is really coming on, and they already have a few more road wins than usual this year.

Seahawks 20, Bears 13

Tennessee at INDIANAPOLIS (+7)

Two straight road covers for the still winless Colts, who are at least still trying to avoid Perfect Misery. This week, they get the Titans at home, and I think they keep it close one more time... and maybe even steal one. Hey, it's Christmas. And going 0-16 is really, really hard.

Colts 24, Titans 23

GREEN BAY at Kansas City (+14)

I'd take this line at 25, frankly; the Packers are close enough to the finish line that they can taste it, and the Chiefs under a new coach still have the problem of No Actual QB on the roster. Once Green Bay takes the lead, the defense will add to it, and QB Aaron Rodgers is just operating at another level. One that eliminates back door covers.

Packers 41, Chiefs 13

CINCINNATI at St. Louis (+7)

I'm traveling this week, which meant that I got to watch most of that MNF Rams travesty... and wow, is this every inch of a 2-win team. Incapable of coping with any kind of blitz, with one pro level WR on the roster, and so clueless at the goal line that poor RB Stephen Jackson just about had to throw a fit to get a try. I don't understand why anyone involved in this organization should still have a job, and this week against a Bengals team that's in dire need of a win, they won't do much for their collective resumes.

Bengals 27, Rams 16

NEW ORLEANS at Minnesota (+7)

Some of the steam went out of the Christian Ponder bandwagon last week, and with the Saints coming to town and rounding into playoff shape, it's not going to get any better. And an indoor road game doesn't really seem like a road game for the Saints, does it?

Saints 34, Vikings 20

WASHINGTON at NY Giants (-7)

Do I really think the Skins can win in New York? No, not really, even though the G Men have a nasty little habit of pulling the rug out from under their supporters whenever they start feeling a little too good about themselves. But do I think they can keep it close, considering their defense did the deed early this season in Fedex Field, and how QB Rex Grossman is having one of those periodic bouts of competence? Sure. And Delusional Eagle Fan, this is the other lead pipe lock of how your team's 4pm game will mean nothing.

Giants 24, Redskins 20

Carolina at HOUSTON (-6.5)

A big line, even at home, against a team that has stat filling QB Cam Newton... but the Texans are just too good at running the ball, and the Panthers too poor at stopping the run, to keep this close late. Plus, the Panthers are turnover prone on offense, and the Texans' defense is downright opportunistic. And also smelling a first round bye in the AFC playoffs.

Texans 27, Panthers 17

DETROIT at Oakland (+1.5)

On some level, don't you wish this game was being played without refs, and maybe in an octagon? Just dispense with any idea of footballery and see which team can be Muy Macho / Underhanded / Dipshitastic. But alas, this one will be handled by an officiating crew that clearly lost some form of bet with the league offices, and will likely wind up dropping thirty flags on the ground before it's all said and done. Having said that, give me the road Lions for the win, since their QB isn't a turnover machine, and their defense offers more than token resistance against the run. But please, bet the penalty over ahead of the actual line.

Lions 31, Raiders 20

NEW ENGLAND at Denver (+7)

Take heart, Tim Tebow Haters; the evil that is Bill Belichick will come to God's Own Football Field and end this silliness. For one week, at least. The secret sauce in Denver's winning streak is that the defense has been rested even on three and outs, and never put on a short field. New England does not care about short fields. Denver has been able to play aged safety Brian Dawkins every step of the way, because they haven't faced a QB/TE tandem that can overpower him; QB Tom Brady and TE Rob Gronkowski are the NFL's best in this regard, and TE Aaron Hernandez ain't exactly chop liver, either. And once you get two touchdowns up on Timmy Time, and take away the patience and attrition war that makes fourth quarter and overtime magic possible... well, it doesn't look good. At all. (But take heart, Denver Fan. It'll all seem much better next week.)

Patriots 27, Broncos 13

NEW YORK JETS at Philadelphia (-3)

Really, Las Vegas? All it took was one road win over the freaking Dolphins to install the most disappointing team in franchise history as a road favorite against a team with a playoff pulse? Not buying it, not even for a minute, because this game didn't look good in September, let alone in December.

The Jets are going to zone and scheme the secretly mediocre Eagles offense. RB Shonn Greene will run for triple digits and control the clock. Jets Fan will show up by the ten thousand, because most Eagles Fans have been trying to move these seats for months.

Oh, and there's also this. The Jets will care about winning this game. The Eagles won't. Kind of an important point, really. This might be your lock of the week, on many, many levels.

Jets 27, Eagles 17

Cleveland at ARIZONA (-6.5)

A big number for a below .500 home favorite that might be starting its nominally back up QB, but man alive, this Browns team is just DOA right now, and also probably working on its second QB. Five years ago, that might have seemed interesting, in that Seneca Wallace had some interesting potential... but we've all seen enough of it since then to know better. Assuming the Cardinals get to 17 points, and their defense and special teams might do it by themselves, they'll cover.

Cardinals 20, Browns 9

BALTIMORE at San Diego (+1.5)

Here's another team that Vegas is liking a little too much. San Diego has two wins against two teams (Jacksonville and Buffalo) that aren't going to the playoffs. They also have a history of performing better in December, and some finally healthy WRs. But they don't have an offensive line, or a QB that keeps away from turnovers under pressure, and the Ravens have bigger dreams than this. I think the mos talented and physical team in the AFC puts it together this week. (And oh, the defense seems better without MLB Ray Lewis. Someone might want to note that in the media, assuming they can stop slobbing Ray Ray's knob for a minute.)

Ravens 27, Chargers 20

PITTSBURGH at San Francisco (-2.5)

The problem with the Niners, and the reason why they are going to be one and done in the playoffs, is that they are a bad offensive team in the red zone. And that, more than anything, is why you should not believe this whole QB Alex Smith is Now OK idea. Against a Steelers team that's always been good at minimizing the damage and knows how to close in December, they'll learn another painful lesson of why they aren't really a contender.

Steelers 24, Niners 19

Last week: 10-6

Year to date: 106-95-5

Career: 511-500-22

Top 10 reasons why the Chiefs fired Todd Haley

2011-12-13T01:31:00.002-05:00

10) Didn't get the memo that Miami was already getting cheap PR heat for firing their coach today

9) Going 19-27 with a division crown might make you the coach of the century for this organization, but it doesn't give you job security

8) Shockingly, ex-Patriot GM Scott Pioli doesn't play well with others

7) Failed to keep Jamaal Charles healthy

6) With Jack del Rio out there, no incumbent coach is safe

5) Didn't tap into the incredible potential provided by Matt Cassel, Tyler Palko and one play of Kyle Orten

4) Romeo Crennel threatened to kill himself with a fork if he didn't get the gig

3) Haley picked up a 15-yard flag in Sunday's train wreck in New York, and when your coach shows less self-control than Rex Ryan, it kind of says something

2) If you are going to lose here, you should at least have the decency to give us some great Herm Edwards-style quotes on the way out

1) In that this happened in the AFC West, we have to assume that Tim Tebow inspired the move somehow

Top 10 reasons why the Dolphins fired Tony Sparano

2011-12-13T01:21:00.003-05:00

10) Couldn't wait to hire their next mistake

9) Losing to Andy Reid at home is just that inexcusable

8) Todd Haley is, after all, available

7) Carl Peterson told them to, and as the last 10 years of the Chiefs have shown, what Carl wants is always the right idea

6) Never really believed that he needed those sunglasses

5) Sparano totally ruined that Suck For Luck campaign they had planned

4) Three straight losing seasons hasn't happened for this laundry since the 1960s, or 50 years before the current owner started paying attention

3) Management believes that firing the coach will magically make Matt Moore less ordinary

2) Have already pretend fired him so many times, there wasn't any fun left in it

1) Most people, including Sparano, are surprised to learn that he wasn't already fired

No Eagles takeaways today

2011-12-11T12:57:00.003-05:00

I'm traveling to CA on business, dealing with personal family stuff, and conducting an experiment to see if Coach For Life Andy Reid will actually run the football, take good timeouts, and have a defensive scheme to minimize damage to the tight end... if I don't watch, since I've seen every other game of the Reid Era.

Oh, and also, this: this team is unwatchable. So why watch?

Top 12 reasons why David Stern vetoed the Chris Paul trade

2011-12-09T16:27:00.005-05:00

12) Has been playing in whiny fantasy leagues on the side, and thought this trade happened in one of those

11) The trade displeased Dan Gilbert, and Dan Gilbert is the master of all time and space

10) Knows that Lamar Odom would never accept the Gulf of Mexico as a substitute for the Pacific Ocean

9) Needs to keep that much Gasol away from one time zone

8) Mark Cuban called in a favor to keep the Rockets down

7) This makes it easier to move the Bugs to Seattle for the next commissioner

6) It's a make-good to the hardline owners who are really, really bitter that the regular season is going to happen after all

5) Completely unfamiliar with Paul's injury history, desire to go to a team with a history and media market, or how NBA stars play when they are forced to put up with a no-win situation

4) Tired of superstars going to big market teams, because last year's NBA season, with the riveting playoffs and higher ratings, was just no fun

3) Convinced that seven months of Chris Paul is worth more than a decade of utility from useful complementary players

2) Knows that it's actually a terrible trade for the Lakers, and the NBA exists only to keep Boston and Los Angeles on top

1) Wants Paul to retire as a Hornet, kind of like how Brandon Roy is retiring as a Blazer

Top 10 reasons why the Angels signed Albert Pujols for a quarter of a billion dollars

2011-12-08T17:25:00.003-05:00

10) No one connected with the team or fan base remembers Mo Vaughn

9) As the only MLB franchise in Los Angeles, they've got the market share to afford him

8) Fully expect to have sold the team by the end of this contract

7) Believe that he's the only man capable of living up to the awesome legacy of Wally Joyner

6) Really tired of the Rangers kicking sand in their faces

5) Pretty sure he can speak Spanish, or at least, Los Angelese

4) First basemen always get better with age

3) He'll magically transform the bullpen into lockdown closers, like he did in St. Louis

2) Can't wait to spend eight figures on a DH for 3 to 5 years

1) With luck, no one will remember the salaries of Vernon Wells and Torii Hunter now

Week 14 NFL Picks: Sick, Sick, Sick

2011-12-07T23:52:00.002-05:00

A few things you should know about this week's picks, folks. First off, I'm ill (nothing too serious, feeling better than I was last night or this morning). Secondly, if I was truly good at this, my season won-loss record would be a lot better than what it is. Third, my fantasy team is another poor week away from circling the bowl. Fourth and last, my real-life laundry makes me sick to my stomach, to the point where I'm actively looking forward to the end of the season.

So, no quips, no jocularity, the fast in-out in-out. Sounds like fun? It won't be. And with that... on to the picks!

* * * * *

Cleveland at PITTSBURGH (-14.5)

Have you seen any evidence that this Browns' team can score, say, 17 points on the road at night? I haven't. And since the Steeler defense has been making up for lost time on takeaways, this could get ugly with a quickness. Even if it doesn't, the Steelers have too many weapons on offense for this to be that close, and they need the game. While division games can be close, I'm just not feeling it here... and if Pitt wasn't 0-2 against the Ravens this year, people would be liking them a lot more than they are.

Steelers 31, Browns 10

HOUSTON at Cincinnati (-3)

I'd like the Bengals a lot more here if QB Andy Dalton wasn't dinged up in last week's game against the Steelers. While he's likely to make this start, I wonder about his effectiveness, and without him behind center, the not very feared Bengal running game becomes downright laughable. Houston's going to run it a lot with rookie QB TJ Yates, but it's their defense that's really going to win this game.

Texans 17, Bengals 10

Minnesotat at DETROIT (-7)

Boy, have the Lions had a bad couple of weeks or what? The national spotlight has not been kind to the New Raiders, who have snarled and hissed more than a pantomime villain in highly seen losses to the Packers and Saints. But this week, they get dome sweet dome against a Vikings team that lost its heart to Savior Tebow last week. Oh, and also this: the Vikings have won two games this year.

Lions 30, Vikings 20

NEW ORLEANS at Tennessee (+4)

Time for the Saints to step up and win a tough road game, and while the Titans don't look as strong as they did a few months ago, they still qualify for a dome team with a speed and mirrors defense. But this line is too light for a team with these weapons, and the Titans are too turnover-prone to keep up in a race. It's a tight cover, but it's a cover.

Saints 27, Titans 20

Philadelphia at MIAMI (-3)

Wow, will you look at that -- the Eagles are finally a road dog! Just, oh, two months too late. A shame, really; I feel like a great value has been lost. Oh, and take the Dolphins anyway, seeing how they actually have heart, a running game and a defense, and you only need one of those three things to beat the Birds. (And if the road team wins by 30 with Mike Vick having a triumphant return for the 12 fantasy owners that have him on their roster and are still alive? That's a loss, since it's just more fuel to the Andy Reid Is Coach For Life fire. We're much better off, as Eagles fans, with another form of fire.

Dolphins 23, Eagles 17

Kansas City at NY JETS (-9)

Oh, poor Chiefs Fan... you were so close to avoiding any further look at the Tyler Palko Era. But then Kyle Orton had to break his finger on his only play from scrimmage last week in Chicago, a wildly improbable 10-3 win. This week in New York. they won't be lucky enough to cash in on a Hail Mary pass, or find Mark Sanchez and the Jets OL nearly as pliable as Caleb Hanie and the Bears.

Jets 24, Chiefs 6

NEW ENGLAND at Washington (+9)

Last week, I guided you to the easy money that was a garbage time Colts cover against the home town Patriots. So why am I going with the big favorite here? Because Coach Belicheat puts the hammer down harder on the road. Because Rex Grossman is, actually, a worse QB than Dan Orlovsky. And because Skins Fan so hates his team, and will happily sell tickets to many people taking Amtrak from Boston, who will go home very happy at the end of the day.

Patriots 38, Redskins 24

ATLANTA at Carolina (+3)

Yes, the Panthers are better than their record, and that performance last week against the Bucs, when they more or less punked their division rivals from the first quarter on, was impressive. I just don't see how they do it for two weeks in a row. There's a reason why this run defense has been so bad, and the Falcons are better at running the ball anyway.

Falcons 24, Panthers 20

TAMPA BAY at Jacksonville (+1)

Which team do you like here -- the one that won't tackle and is one of the bigger disappointments in the league, or the team that's working on their second coach, and who just laid a massive turd on national television with a short work week? Watching, or betting, on this game should qualify as community service.

Bucs 20, Jaguars 13

INDIANAPOLIS at Baltimore (-17)

The Dan Orlovsky Losing With Honor Tour continues! Even if the Ravens take the game seriously -- never a sound bet with these people -- the Colts have shown a pulse even while down, and they have enough weapons to take advantage of a suspect Ravens secondary, especially in garbage time. Besides, it's not as if the Ravens aren't capable of howlingly bad losses to teams they should roll.

Ravens 24, Colts 17

Chicago at DENVER (-3.5)

Tebow's a home favorite! Woo hoo! And might not be the worst QB in this game, since Caleb Hanie showed absolutely nothing last week at home. Why he should do better on the road, at altitude, against a team that has had a defensive resurgence before last week's trip in Minnesota... well, I'm not seeing it. So long as the Broncos don't turn it over and don't kick it to Devin Hester, they are going to win this game. And the AFC West. Decades from now, no one will understand why a first-round playoff loser who got stomped into the ground got this much play, but for now, let the Jebus Times roll.

Broncos 20, Bears 13

San Francisco at ARIZONA (+4)

The 10-2 division winners are bound for a stumble, and this is a tough road game for many clubs. Against a Cardinals team that's shown some teeth on defense and got QB Kevin Kolb a win last week after he shook off first half rust, I don't like their chances. Especially now that it's becoming overwhelmingly obvious that they don't have that much to play for.

Cardinals 24, Niners 17

OAKLAND at Green Bay (-11.5)

First off, no, the Raiders can't and won't win this game. But the Packers are the kind of team -- not patient with the run, up and down the field with special teams mattering, not familiar with their ways -- that they can stay with. And if Darren McFadden hadn't murdered every fantasy team in America with his two-month siesta, I might even like their chances to win here. But instead, it'll just be a hard fought cover, and more tape for the Pack's future opponents as they try to subvert perfection. At this point, given the way that QB Aaron Rodgers is playing, I think perfection is the even money bet. But not every cover.

Packers 34, Raiders 24

Buffalo at SAN DIEGO (-7)

Boy, this number is too high... but the Chargers look *good* on offense when they finally have their top three WRs in the game, and it's not as if the Bills, with the exception of that good effort game in New Jersey a few weeks ago, have been road warriors. I'll take the home favorites and hate it.

Chargers 27, Bills 17

NEW YORK at Dallas (-3)

The battle for the NFC East sounds like it should matter, but really doesn't; either of these teams is going to be lucky to escape Wild Card Weekend, and should lose as soon as they go on the road. But under the SNF lights, it will seem to be a big game anyway. Give me the road team, who showed more than a sign of a pulse in last week's game against the Packers, and just might be recreating that Perfectriot year.

Giants 24, Cowboys 20

St. Louis at SEATTLE (NL)

The Rams could be playing a QB (Tom Brandstater) that no one has ever heard of, and that includes members of his immediate family. They weren't good with their front line QBs. They get a Seahawks team that can run the ball, hit on defense, and plays well at home. This is also, somehow, a nationally televised game. No, seriously!

Seahawks 23, Rams 10

Last week: 9-7

Year to date: 96-89-5

Career: 501-494-22

Top 12 reasons why the Marlins signed Jose Reyes

2011-12-06T22:56:00.003-05:00

12) Wanted to sign a batting average champion, and did not care how gutless said champion was

11) Gives Heath Bell someone to feel good about, and perhaps dust off that lucky "Dream Team" nickname

10) Jeff Loria wanted to teach all of those ungrateful wretches back in Montreal that he can actually sign a free agent after all

9) Team wanted to motivate Hanley Ramirez, since the dear boy clearly does well with lots of stimuli

8) Only way to attract other overrated expensive injury risks to Miami

7) With the new stadium promising to be as offense-retarding as the old, fans need to be sold some kind of excitement

6) Miami is where all aging New Yorkers go to die

5) Loria is friends with Bernie Madoff, which given Loria's background, would count as one of his more redeeming qualities

4) With Reyes and his 120 games and 400 ABs on board, they are sure to finish in... well, um, never mind

3) There's a little-known clause in MLB that if you lead the league in triples, you get a wild-card slot, no matter what

2) Wanted to be sure that more than two Marlins everyday players would be drafted in your average fantasy league next year

1) Diabolical scheme to blind America by finally making everyone look at that new logo

FTT Off-Topic: Star Blazers

2011-12-05T23:42:00.001-05:00

I'm old, folks. Old enough to remember an incredible turd burger of a Japanese animated show that was shown in syndication back when there were VHF stations and UHF stations, and this was most assuredly shown on the latter.

"Star Blazers" was Japanimation before anyone knew what that was in North America. All I knew, as a 10 year old, was this INCREDIBLE SPACE SAGA WAS ON TV, but never when I was at home to enjoy it. It was so incredibly unfair. Whenever I was home sick the flu, I'd try to figure out some way to take off a few months and see this. (Months, you say? Yes, months. Because Star Blazers was a one year mission to save the Earth, dammit, which means there must have been 365 episodes. A FULL YEAR OF SCIENCE FICTION INSANITY, and none of it reachable by my means, since this was a time before VHS (or even, sigh Betamax -- and yes, my family had one of those, too).

It's now on Netflix Instant. I watched it tonight with the Shooter Wife.

Oh, and it's spectacularly, hilariously, jaw-droppingly awful and stupid.

And yes, yes, you should watch it. If only because when floating continents appear on Jupiter to just serve as a plot device, when the last best hope of Earth is a fat load Admiral who mostly seems to have grown the biggest beard for it, when Earth is menaced by fey Germanic aliens who want to destroy the planet for no stated reason, monetary gain, or just because they are bad bad bad, and their only real defense is a phallic one shot spooge weapon of insane power... well, it's just all kinds of special, really, and RIPE for mockery.

Joe Bob says check it out. Though, well, I completely understand if you don't.

Now, everybody sing!

Is the NFC East The Worst Division In Football?

2011-12-05T00:54:00.004-05:00

Well, yes. But I suppose you'd like to be convinced, right?

Let's take a look at the actual won-loss records.

Dallas 7-5
NY Giants 6-6
Philadelphia 4-8
Washington 4-8

Cumulative: 21-27
Conference: 16-20
Non-conference: 5-7

Last 5: 7-13

That last bit is especially telling. Washington's one win was over Seattle, and has to be considered something of a shock. The Eagles beat Dallas. New York beat the Patriots; again, a bit of a shocking upset. Dallas squeaked out wins over Miami at home and Washington the om road, and blew out Seattle and Buffalo at home. (This makes them a powerhouse. No, seriously.)

So two of those wins were in the division, one qualified as a win over a certain playoff team (NYG over NE), and the "hottest" team in the division just got punked in the desert when their coach iced his own kicker. But let's take each team in turn, shall we?

Dallas... One playoff win in this century. A QB who has numerous fourth quarter wipeouts. A team that was absolutely decimated by the moribund Eagles for their only win in the last five weeks. A second-year coach who, let's not put too fine a point on this, iced his own kicker today. Let that sink in for a while. Oh, and they are going to win this thing, then lose at home to a wild-card team, as the TV shows close ups of Jerruh Jones' hideously tight face.

New York... Historic second half failures. Had literally everything fall into place for them to pull off the upset of the Packers today at home, and were unable to do it. The good RB (Ahmad Bradshaw) can't stay healthy, the bad RB (Brandon Jacobs) can't shut up, and the defense can't do either. Oh, and the coach might be circling the bowl, especially if the team fails to make the playoffs again, and the Jets do, since that make Year Three of Rex Ryan Rules Gotham.

Philadelphia... Oh dear God in Heaven, let's just do the one thing that actually bothers them... and ignore them. The most disappointing year in franchise history, the biggest trainwreck in recent NFL history, a year that pretty much tarnishes the entire tenure of the most successful coach in franchise history. Oh, and they are not very good.

Washington... Remember, they started the year 3-1, and are now 4-8. The only reason that no one thinks they are a disappointment is that when you start the year with Rex Grossman and John Beck as your QBs, no one expects you to be worth a damn, anyway.

So it's obvious that the NFC North, NFC South, AFC East and AFC North are all much better divisions; they have great teams and actual Super Bowl aspirations. So it comes down to just the usual suspects (NFC West, AFC West) and the AFC South, since the Colts are winless and horrible now. Let's examine each in turn.

NFC West -- Sure, the Niners look like a paper tiger big win team... but the defense is for real, and 10-2 is 10-2, folks. And while the Rams are truly terrible, the Seahawks have a defense, the Cards a running game and great special teams, and both of those clubs have serious home field advantages. The Niners are 4-0 against the East; that alone, in my opinion, gives the division the edge.

AFC West - Lost in the Year One Of Our Tebow is the fact that the Broncos do a lot of things well now, and winning a road game when you turn the ball over twice should not happen when your QB spends most of the first three quarters of every game looking like he's a fan who stole someone's uniform. Oakland might be the most inconsistent team in the league (what else is new?), but 7-5 on a last-minute imported QB and second-string RB isn't the worst place to be. Kansas City gets a pass for spending their first month watching a ton of guys go off on carts, and San Diego is basically the tail end of a squandered era. It's close, but it's in the realm.

AFC South -- Did you know the Titans were 7-5? I barely did, and I make a little coin from doing the blogging thing, really. Houston is basically Niners AFC (big record, likely loser), especially now that they are on QB3. Jacksonville got their coach fired, and Indy is clearly tanking for Andrew Luck. I think this is a worst division than the NFC East now, but it's close.

The bigger point, of course, is how things will be in 2012. There seems to be this collective delusion about the Eagles, that they will be just fine and bounce back if they give Coach For Life Andy Reid another five thousand feet of rope... but the problems here are much bigger than shuffling deck chairs and tossing Juan Castillo overboard. (Note: They should still toss Juan Castillo overboard. In that he should have never been on board in the first place. But I digress.) Dallas has some young talent, sure, but much of their defensive horses are getting long in the tooth. Washington is, of course, a perpetual quagmire of misery, so it's entirely up to the Giants. Who might, of course, toss their coach and start over again, despite having the best WRs in the division (yes, much better than Philly), and young defensive personnel that actually look like they've got a clue.

So, long story short? The NFC East is a *bad* division. It's been an overrated one for a very, very long time; now it might be the worst. So let's all stop pretending that winning this division is any kind of significant accomplishment, OK?

Meatheads Against Bullying

2011-12-04T02:12:00.002-05:00

So I was tooling around my television tonight, out of things I really wanted to watch, with a cable system that stopped serving my interest (outside of Comedy Central and live sports) about, oh, a decade ago. So I decided to wallow, folks; I was looking for physically fit women who were not wearing much clothing. So I put on the WWE. What the hell, I liked it 20 to 30 years ago, I loved the raw dumb fun of ECW 10 years ago, let's see what they are up to.

Well, what they are up to is mostly forgettable, and not worth discussing here. But then I saw this PSA. Take a peek, won't you?

Yes, the WWE, perhaps the single biggest role model for bullying in its characters, as well as perhaps the most homophobic (and, of course, though they would never admit it in a month of Sundays, homoerotic) organization in entertainment media... is coming out against bullying.

I'll pause for a moment to let that sink in. Besides, I think I should take a little walk right now. Clear my head.

(...)

Now, um...

WTF?

I don't particularly care where you come out on the anti-bullying movement. Personally, as someone who currently tips the scales at 5'-3" and 136 pounds, and also has had GLBT friends, I'm not a big fan of it. (I'm also really happy that JHVH-1, HannaMan the Monkey God, Space Turtle or Random Chance decided to make me straight. Like being white and male, it's really your best choice. (Note: I'm not saying that being straight, white and male makes me best, or that this is in any way fair or correct. It just means that I'm putting up with less nonsense than those that aren't. As the great comedian Louis CK puts it, if you had to choose, you'd pick it every year. Moving on.)

But I get that there are probably some of you out there that think that this is part of some greater socialist/communist/whatever conspiracy to secretly turn Americans into the French and/or eliminate violence from football. Whatever. As I said, not too interested in getting lost in the weeds of that debate.

But for an organization that used to make big bank from demonizing LGBT people (Adoradble Adrian? Goldust? Etc.) to be anti-bullying now... well, um, this just seems like a political cause you might want to step away from. Just to, you know, keep everyone from pointing at your PSA, then blinking a lot at the apparent insanity of it all.

Top 10 reasons why Andy Reid isn't worried about his job

2011-12-02T22:49:00.001-05:00

10) It's not as if the owners care about the fans, since the stadium keeps filling

9) The national media keeps fluffing him as a great coach, despite an ever-increasing amount of evidence to the contrary

8) They, like Reid, hate linebackers, safetys, running plays, and unwasted timeouts

7) Knows that the organization only really cares about being competitive in an overrated division

6) After a dozen games of watching this, they really need to see twenty more

5) Only players should be held accountable for results

4) They have to protect the talent level of a team that's 4-8, has one home win in a calendar year, leads the league in turnovers, has five blown fourth quarter leads and makes decent people spit

3) The quality, color separation and composition of his compromising photographs of Jeffrey Lurie are just spectacular

2) Buying the idea that after every bad year, he bounces back strong, and since this is the last sacred cow in the barn (after great in December, better as the year goes on, avoids turnovers, good in the red zone, hasn't lost the team, has the respect of other teams in the league), let's just make sure they all die

1) Everything will be fine as soon as they sell DeSean Jackson for ten cents on the dollar

40 Eagles - Seahawks Takeaways

2011-12-01T23:09:00.003-05:00

At the start of the year, I was going to take the Shooter Mom, an ardent Eagles fan who remembers when they actually were champions, to a game. Seattle was in consideration; I love the city, the stadium looks pretty, and I like to go to places that we haven't been to. Thank the stars we didn't choose this game, in the cold, in the utter irrelevance, in the dog days of the most disappointing season in franchise history. But according to the statheads, my laundry has a 2.5% chance of making the post-season, and 1.4% of the teams that are 4-7 make the promised land. So, enough of all the negativity. The season's turning around tonight! Either that, or I'm already drunk. Let's get to it!

40) Shady McCoy is said to be moving gingerly in pregame warmups, which means that Coach For Life Andy Reid will finally give him a lot of carries

39) Seattle started with 10 men on offense, a motion flag and a botched shotgun snap, which kind of set the tone for the whole, um, national telecast

38) For the 11th straight game, the Eagles started with a pass play, because no one expects that... or the godawful INT to Riley Cooper

37) If you had 12:15 in the first quarter and pointless replay challenge for this week's wasted timeout in the pool, you win

36) The 26-yard strike to Ben Obomanu down the middle proves that you don't need a TE to be wide open against the middle of the Eagles defense

35) It's totally unfair of Marshawn Lynch to keep trying on stopped running plays and score touchdowns with effort

34) Lynch eats candy after touchdowns, which means his teeth aren't going to survive this game

33) Only Coach For Life Andy Reid can make Riley Cooper fantasy relevant, and even then, not really

32) Jason Babin got another sack, and appeared to be as happy as a player on a relevant team

31) Danny Watkins was so scared by an apparent blitz, he started blocking rather than wait for the ball to be snapped

30) Lynch would embarrass the Eagles defense if that unit was able to be embarrassed

29) At this point in my Eagles fandom, I'm more or less resigned to the idea that they'll never have another good LB again

28) If you are wondering who to throw it to against this defense, just find Kurt Coleman and throw it that way

27) It was nice of Asante Samuel to shove Lynch into the end zone at the end of his 40 yard touchdown run, since he might not have gotten in otherwise

26) Reid actually gave the ball to McCoy twice down deep this week, at least in the first quarter

25) Golden Tate's 25 yard pass play, where Nate Allen whiffed, was more or less the story of the season in microcosm; the Eagle defense running very quickly to miss

24) When it's third down, you want to have McCoy on the bench and Chad Hall getting targets

23) Beating on Nnamdi Asomugha until he can't get up is not offensive pass interference

22) Of course the Eagle players love Coach For Life Andy; he doesn't ask them to do too much

21) Young trying to read a zone reminds us that Wunderlic scores do matter

20) Coleman is really good at wrapping up his man 30 yards downfield after the completion

19) With one minute left in the half, Reid did not call a timeout, because he would rather go into the locker room with two unused timeouts and an offensive team that's wondering why the hell they aren't even trying

18) Young appears to be operating under the delusion that he's fast enough to scramble effectively

17) Chris Clemons yelled at Andy Reid, but since he's not a WR, it's not a penalty

16) Cooper's deflection to INT shows that he does, in fact, have something in common with the other Eagle WRs after all

15) Joselio Hanson drew the short straw of getting exposed in the highlight level touchdown catch this week

14) On the bright side, Young might have a future as a blocker

13) On fourth and one for the "season", they actually gave it to McCoy, proving that even the dimmest coaching staff might learn in time

12) Reid's efforts in hurry up offense remain, as always, sparkling

11) It's defensive holding (without a number being given by the refs) even if the ball is tipped, because even the zebras want Coach For Life Andy gone

10) Once a game, whether the Eagles need it or not, a linebacker makes a play that teaches us that every blind football player stumbles upon a ball carrier

9) The second wasted timeout because they can't count to 11 for a punt team is in no way indicative of a coaching failure

8) So many years after the gruesome end of the Super Bowl, Reid still has no clue how to run a hurry up offense

7) Just in case any NFL team had any idea that Young should be given the keys to a franchise, please watch the TAInt and post-play crying fit a few dozen times

6) It says something about my level of Eagls fandom that I busted out laughing during the TAInt

5) Once more with feeling, children: you are not a talented football team if you lead the league in turnovers, you are just a crappy one

4) As any QB that isn't Donovan McNabb turns into AJ Feeley in Reid's presence, maybe it's time to reconsider McNabb's accomplishments

3) Pete Carroll went for a rub in the nose kill shot on 4th and 6 while up 31-14, because he really respects his opponent

2) Honestly, the idea that this Eagles team was favored, and that 7 out of 9 people picked them in an online pool to win tonight, shows you just how much people are not actually watching games, rather than reading the stats

1) If there is a single reason for seeing this coaching staff retain their jobs in 2011 for any reason other than a grand exercise in theatrical cruelty, I can't think of it