Epic Drop: Top 10 sports blogging resolutions for 2009

I do the resolutions thing, and it's your task to see which ones are legit. Or, you know, just click and giggle.

Where Amazing Happens, and gets undercut by workmanlike

Halfway through the third quarter tonight in Utah in a game that the Sixers needed to avoid what will wind up being a pretty awful road trip, second year man and future franchise hope Thaddeus Young got the ball in the open floor with his team down eight. Driving down the left side with men on his wings, he faked a behind the back pass, drawing the defender to the passing lane, then brought the ball back and windmilled it for the jam. It was a "Woo!" moment, a basket of startling body control, and something I've never seen before; pure highlight candy. The reaction shot of the Sixers bench saw the reserves erupting.

And two second later, the Jazz had thrown the long outlet pass to the frontcourt to Deron Williams, who worked Andre Miller into the air for his fourth foul, hit the shot and the free throw. Boom, door closed, nine point lead and the Sixers without their assist guy. I'm still watching the game as I'm writing this, but I'm confident that the Jazz won't trail again in this game -- and no, it's not because my team will have quit. It's just that the Jazz win games like this, year in and year out, by simply taking your heart with execution.

It's not enough to get them in to the true upper echelon in the Association. Heck, the Spurs do the same thing with dramatically better bigs, and when they face a team with a truly good defense, rather than just a willing one, they aren't going to score enough unless Deron Williams does something spectacular. But in terms of simply knowing how to play the game and manage momentum, they get everything from their talent. And to think that Jerry Sloan has never won Coach of the Year...

Epic Drop: Top 12 sports thieves of 2008

Who will get the top spot? Well, I went strictly on a dollar for dollar basis, though I'm not sure how much the top guy took off the table. And if I'm really lucky, one of these fine entities will sue and really drive the ad revenue up...

Settling Up

Final record ATS: 133-112-7, with an 11-5 final week.

Bankroll if I had bet every game the same, with the standard 50/55 win/loss sportsbook vig: Up $490 for the year.

One fantasy football championship in head to head, one fifth place finish in another head to head, and a particularly bitter fourth place finish in the points league, which is the very worst place to finish, given that you make no money and have a fairly crappy draft position next year.

It's hard to be too bitter, given that it was Cowboy Elimination Day...

Your Tears Are So Yummy, Cowboy Fan

Give Cowboy Fan this: he can read a scoreboard. He'll tell you that straight up. And in a nice funny accent, too!

Bye bye, loser

So this was the inspiring Brett Favre pre-game speech to his Jets teammates in a game they had to win to get into the playoffs. I'll set it off in text and provide the video.

"Hey, if it works out, it works out. If it doesn't, it doesn't. I love you guys."

Seriously, if you were one of his teammates at that moment, wouldn't you be tempted to just clothesline his ass and give yourself a chance to win without some weepy has-been more or less making sure that you had No Chance?

I realize it's all about Queen Brettmadala, but... um... actually... IT'S FREAKING NOT. Your love for a bunch of people who have been carrying your ass all year is not relevant. Your seeming ambivalence or lack of confidence that your contribution to the game will be anything beyond random...

Well, I'm thinking those FAVRE jerseys can be had for very, very little. And that J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS Fans is home beating the wife, dog, sister or cousin...

Epic Drop: Top 11 ways to celebrate Cowboy Elimination Day

Today's list focuses on what true Eagle Fans are thankful for, and no, it's not another year of the Don N' Andy Show.

It's the simple joy of ending the Cowboys season, honestly.

That doesn't make the year a success -- they'd need at least one more win next week to even think about that, and it's going to take a lot to make me forget Cincinnati, Baltimore or Washington.

But that doesn't take away from the greatness of Cowboy Elimination Day, especially when it was coupled with Patriot Elimination Day, and Favre Elimination Day...

The Spirit Moves You, In Your Pants

Saw "The Spirit" with friends this evening, and Oh, My.

If you're looking for anything beyond visual spectacle and Good Dumb Fun, stay very far away.

On the other hand, if you can handle Eva Mendes and her absolutely perfect ass, so much so that it becomes a plot device... or Scarlett Johansson's magnificent chest, complete with loads of fetishy fun in Geisha, Nazi and Wicked Scientist costuming... and that's not even counting a very large amount of emergency back-up poon from at least three other A-level hotties... well, to quote the movie, "They are just equipped."

Oh, and it doesn't hurt that Samuel L. Jackson is having a very good time, and the fantastically funny "AND THAT'S FOR MUFFIN!" vengeance line from the hero will stay with me for, oh, the rest of my life as What To Say Before A Futile Attack.

Anyway, go see it, on a screen worthy of Mendes and Johansson's, um, talent. Yes, that's right, talent...

Your world confuses and frightens me

All over my Internets tonight, nothing but Human Cock Fighting. And heavy on the cock, really.

I get that people like to see people beat the crap out of each other; hence the big "Woo!" noises when a safety lays out a receiver, independent of the outcome of the play. I'm not above watching a good boxing match myself, especially if the fighters either have some personal venom in it, or there's some historical merit to the proceedings: Ali-Frazier fascinates me on a near Trickster Mythos level.

But really, are we all so immune to the charms of The Association (or non-March college basketball) that we're rather watch two guys in shorts wrap their legs around each other's necks until one of them says Hello, Sailor?

Tonight in hoop, there were two double-overtime classics, with the Spurs outlasting the very game Grizzlies and the Rockets taking out the Jazz. The Grizz took the elder statesmen of the league to the limit at home, with rookie OJ Mayo looking like the game's next great player; only a very hot Tony Parker could save them. The Rockets rode Ron Artest (!) to 28 points to win despite missing Tracy McGrady; the Jazz are missing Carlos Boozer, Mehmet Okur and Ronnie Milsap.

This, from a league with perhaps the biggest talent base of any sport outside of soccer, and the only thing I've done in the last two paragraphs is make 70% of the readers bent that I'm talking hoop again.

But anyway, back to the human cockfightery.

There's something going on here, and it's not just the Nature Abhors A Vacuum moment of boxing opening the door wide for a competing thrill. It's that, with the utter abandonment of the playing field by pro wrestling for safe bloodsport thrills, and the increasing pussification of the NFL (don't hit the quarterback in 40% of his body, don't pull the ball carrier down from behind by grabbing inside the shoulder pads from behind, don't hit the ball carrier out of bounds even if it's damn near impossible to pull up on the off chance that he cuts it back inside)...

Plus, with the Web's always-on and always-available fountain of video goodness that used to make us feel bad, until seeing so very much of it made us all lose whatever shame we still had around...

Well, maybe I'm just old school for not being more into Human Cockfighting. But, um, still. This is, really, what you want to watch?

A Small Note to Red Sox Fan

Just because the Yankees are spending like drunken sailors in a time when everyone else in baseball is thinking about cutting the Big League Chew back to Bush League Gristle, does not mean anyone outside of your perverted fan base likes you.

At all.

Or feels sorry for you, since you have to compete with those Big Bad Meanies with Money.

You see, your team... isn't poor. By any measure of the imagination.

Nor are your players Lovable Downmarket Guys Who Just Try Real, Real Hard. In that, well, damn near every team in baseball has those guys. It goes along with the ever-increasing whiteness. (Shh. Baseball's talent is getting better and better and better and so long as we keep saying this and ignore the fact that the truly explosive guys are getting few and far between, along with stolen bases, triples, and defensive highlights that are really all that breathtaking, WE'LL ALL BE JUST FINE.)

Nor is it, you know, possible to see your team play at home for the sake of those of us who enjoy going to different parks for less than a mortgage payment. Though that experience, to be fair, is less than appealing, given that you're surrounded by Red Sox Fans. Just like at damn near every other stadium in the country, really. It's so much fun to be in your world! Really it is!

So, um, the Yankees making you feel all inadequate about your $150 million-plus payroll? I can see some upside to it. Maybe you'll jack up your seat prices again so I can hear your fans cry even more about it. Perhaps you'll go make some panicky free agent signing of your own -- I bet Manny would come back if you only paid him so much that he'd never, ever quit on you like a dog. Again. He can play first since David Ortiz is aging very fast, with nagging and persistent injuries. (Gosh, it'd be a shame if people, you know, drew conclusions from that sort of thing.)

And in the best-case scenario, the Rays win the division again, and your little Coke and Pepsi border war ends up in two 85-win clubs that miss the wild card to Central Division Team Runner-Up. (Yes, I know, the World Series ratings would suck, because it's your world. But only, shh, when you're winning...)

One more piece of joy

Because, dammit, with the Eagles still technically alive for the playoffs, we could all use a stinky French frog to take us away from all this. Or, for that matter, a slow-thinking weapons expert, or some form of Ultimate Persuasion. (And if you are looking up Dyna Pink's skirt, you are special blogfriend Tracer Bullet. Qu'elle pain!)

Lovely Maggot, Oh So Sweet

Consider this my late Christmas present to all you lovely people.

Also, that I might not have your best interests at heart. (I keed, I keed. Joe Newman, the single person behind this amazing Zappa-esque weirdness, fills my heart with blood.)

Potpurri for Five

Yes, it's the return of the quick hitting thoughts based on nothing more than what's been floating around my head while I'm not really doing The Job, since I'm traveling. But here goes anyway.

1) Coach Has To Go: When you actively consider the bright side of any team's loss being that Coach might get canned from the loss.

So any Eagles Fan who is keeping Andy's Done in the back of their mind in the lead-up to tomorrow's Eagles-Cowboys game... yes, this is for you. Lions Fan who want to be sure that Coach Rod is on his face for failing to avoid Immortality, here it is. Cowboys Fan who dreams of Coach Wade taking the Switzer Bullet (um, it'd help if they had someone with a pulse, but really, your problem is your owner), same story.

And if you're really rooting for the loss, without any kind of fantasy football payoff or against the spread bet coinciding... well, let's just say that you're beyond the pale with Old Coach. You might start hoping he never existed, or something.

2) If you root for the team with the best record in the league and pule about the officiating in any game that isn't an elimination playoff experience, you are officially a Douchebag For Now And Ever, World Without End, Amen. (And yes, I'm talking about the Bad Tooth again, who couldn't take the Christmas present to a struggling nation that is his team losing. Though to be fair, I liked the follow-up loss to the Warriors -- the Warriors! -- more, just because the Lake Show's fans are also not far from Eternal Bag Status.)

3) With Randy Johnson's one-year deal to get his 300th win and then go away in San Francisco, can we officially designate the Giants as the Vienna of MLB? In that it's a pretty place to visit, history happened here, but it's otherwise irrelevant to, you know, actually important things happening?

Realistically, there are two uniform possibilities for The Unit to make his 300th look like anything but a stagger over the finish line: Seattle and Arizona. Given that he went 11-10 with a tolerable 3.91 ERA last year in the desert, and needs just five more wins to get the green jacket... seriously, Arizona, why couldn't you be the one to get this done? He's going to look silly doing this in SF. Well, OK, not as silly as Barry Zito continuing to work for the worst contract in MLB history, but close.

Oh, and SF? One year for $8 million here is a lot of cheddar in a bad economy for a guy who wont' really sell a lot of seats for you in his chase for the record. Why not, you know, buy a farm system that actually produces a tolerable position player instead?

4) Sammy Sosa says he's not ready to retire from MLB. Um, can someone tell these roid rock heads that if no one is giving you a job, your reluctance to retire doesn't much matter? I really don't want to have to write the same jokes again, and you don't want to read them...

5) A Houston hospital is changing its name from the Roger Clemens Institute for Sports Medicine to the Memorial Hermann Sports Medicine Institute.

In its statement, the hospital said the decision to take off Clemens' name was made "to better reflect its commitment to all sports and athletes" and that "the move reflects the desire to promote the broad range of sports medicine services and programs offered by Memorial Hermann."

In that shooting a cheating sack of crap who is well on his way to becoming the pitching equivalent of Pete Rose in terms of Hall of Fame estrangement in the ass with roids is, admittedly, a *very* narrow service...

Traveling

Which doesn't mean the blog won't fill, just that it will be intermittent and unpredictable. This is my nominee for Least Useful Post of the Blog's History.

Epic Drop: Top 10 NFL Teams I'll Miss in the post-season

Let us not let these brave stalwarts of suck to pass into the history books without note, my friends. (Oh, and don't think that the lack of Eagles on this list is because I still have some faith that they'll be playing games next week. It's just that I won't miss them. And neither will anyone else in town.)

Epic Drop: Top 10 insult sports jersey Christmas presents

A special holiday link for your gift giving perusal, and a slam dunk for the Pats fan on your list. Of course, this assumes that you have a Pats fan on your list, or should...

NFL Picks, Week 17: Admitting You Have A Problem

The Week 17 picks are, perhaps, the hardest ones to write for the year. You get to do them in the midst of your Christmas routines, which is to say, when you barely have enough time to wipe, let alone think. Your money will be on teams with nothing to play for. The temptation to just take a knee and come out firing on Wild Card Weekend is strong.

But let's face it. People boo teams that just take a knee with money on the table, and they should. Play the game, not the clock.

I mean, so what if my 15 games over .500 record over 16 weeks just gets me a few hundred bucks from the sportsbook? It's the principle of the thing, the dream that my year's record will be something I can feel good about, along with the warm feeling you always get when you beat the odds and take the money home. So let's buckle the chinstrap, pay back the bastards that ruined us in head to head fantasy football leagues, and go to the FREE NFL Picks! (Lines provided by BetUs.com.)

New York at MINNESOTA (-6.5)

With last week's lucky but good overtime win over the Panthers, the G-Men clinched home field through the playoffs, and have little to play for this week. Some folks will think that Tom Coughlin will emulate last year's winning play against the Patriots by playing his starters, but I'm not one of them. Last year's team was an underdog that was in a historical situation of trying to knock off an undefeated team; this year's has everything it needs already, along with banged-up running backs that it will absolutely need to win in January.

Meanwhile, the Vikings, thanks to the Packers El Foldo on MNF (and what a fine year the brain trust in Wisconsin is having), are still at risk for losing the division and home field next week. At home, on a fast track, they'll get it done, provided Tavaris Jackson doesn't put it on the ground... and seeing how he's fairly nimble and the Giants won't care enough, that's not going to happen. Plus, any game where you might see David Carr is a game the G-Men aren't winning.

Vikings 27, Giants 17

Chicago at HOUSTON (-3.5)

Not sure why the home team is getting the favorite status here; you'd think that the Bears would be attracting more money, especially since they've got something to play for. The Texans also don't really create confidence after failing to take out the Raiders in Oakland last week. You can even make the Team Of Destiny talk happen for the Bears, since their season was saved on a chip-shot field goal block.

But what's tipping me to Houston is (a) the fact that the Bears have no one that can stay with Andre Johnson, which means the Texans will be at least 100 yards better on Sunday than they were last week against Nmandi Asomugha, (b) Kyle Orton suddenly looks like Kyle Orton again, (c) Matt Forte looks run down, and (d) home teams with the short MNF week are never a good idea the next week on the road. Even when they have something to play for.

Texans 27, Bears 20

Carolina at NEW ORLEANS (+3.5)

Will the #2 seed in the NFC really go into the post-season with back-to-back losses against a team with nothing to play for? Yes, if only because the Saints will be fired up to try to get Drew Brees his single-season passing yardage record. Also, it's high time that Jake Delhomme gave the world a crap game to scare money away from them. Also, the Saints are OK at running the ball in the red zone now that they've moved away from the big names (Reggie Bush, Deuce McCallister) and to the people who can actually do it (Pierre Thomas, Aaron Stecker).

A final aside: the Panthers have something to play for, but the NFC South home teams are 11-0 this year. So when this pick goes bad, as nearly all of my Panther picks do, you won't be surprised, right?

Saints 31, Panthers 24

St Louis at ATLANTA (-14.5)

A huge number to put down for a team that might not have too much to play for, but this Rams team is so close to the Quitting Line, they might not even line up for the second half. Expect Michael Turner to make his claim for the #1 RB in fantasy football after another 150 to 200 yard day here, and for the Falcons defense to reward Week 17 players with their waiver wire grabs. Heck, the Falcons might even wind up winning their division and the #2 seed. For a franchise that looked done for a decade from the Vick Debacle, it's beyond amazing.

The only chance the Rams have of covering this number is if Stephen Jackson cares and plays four quarters, which is to say, if he does something he didn't do in the entire year. The Rams lose their 10th straight with this one, which should cure the world of any inclination to hire Jim Haslett in a football-related capacity.

Falcons 31, Rams 10

KANSAS CITY (+3.5) at Cincinnati

This, in a nutshell, is why people hate fantasy football: the fact that an ungodly amount of money is going to be swayed by the likes of Tyler Thigpen and Cedric Benson. I like the road team to cover here, if only to continue the Ohio Misery. Also, the Bengals ran Benson 40 times last week, and that kind of workload kills good backs. What it does to a piece of crap like Benson won't be pretty to watch. (And yes, if you're betting this game hard, it's more Gambling Anonymous grist.)

Chiefs 24, Bengals 20

OAKLAND (+13.5) at Tampa Bay

Courage, gamblers. The Bucs have everything to play for. The Raiders are a terrible team with no functioning coach. The Bucs are in a good division; the Raiders, a terrible one. So why am I thinking the cover will happen? Well, the Bucs have been terrible against the run for weeks now, ever since Monte Kiffin told them that he wouldn't be back next year. Jeff Garcia never puts up a ton of points, and his best WR (Antonio Bryant) will go poof in this game against Asomugha. JeMarcus Russell has actually been tolerable for the past month, and Zach Miller is the best TE in the NFL that no one knows about. I'm not really expecting the upset here, but a cover is very possible.

Bucs 24, Raiders 17

Detroit at GREEN BAY (-9.5)

Independent of where you come out on the rooting side of a Winless Lions Season, the simple fact is that this Packers team is a *lot* better, and playing at home against a road dome team. Aaron Rodgers wants to make sure he has this job next year; the only loss of the year to the Lions is not the way to write the story of how 2008 really wasn't his fault. (And if you look at the 2007 13-3 Packers team, it's clear that they used up all of the 2008 team's luck. That, and it's cornerbacks. Someone needs to tell Al Harris about that fork in his ass.) Calvin Johnson being hurt doesn't help much, either.

Look for the Pack to get up early, probably on a Detroit turnover (the defense is quite good at scoring points, which makes their won-loss record even more inexplicable), and for the home team to feed Ryan Grant a lot in the second half. When it's all over, we'll finally be able to put away that Tampa '70s B-roll footage, too. Someone please find those guys and let them know that the media won't be plaguing them any more...

Packers 34, Lions 16

Tennessee at INDIANAPOLIS (+3.5)

Jim Sorgi! Vince Young! A bunch of running backs that normally return kicks! The payoff game for my cursed ownership of Anthony Gonzalez! Can you just smell the disappointment coming out of the NFL telecast booths that this game will mean squadouche, and that both coaches should play it accordingly?

Neither team can change their seeding in this; they can only get hurt and/or tip their hands for a possible second or third round matchup. So we should get a game that resembles August, and in that kind of contest, you're insane to put money down. Or to bet the road team. (The Colts also get the Chargers-Broncos survivor next week, so they're going to be very interested in making sure they're comfy in the hot tub on Sunday night.)

Colts 24, Titans 20

Cleveland at PITTSBURGH (-10.5)

I realize that every time I bet the Steelers and they lose, it's all my fault. But for heaven's sake, I like this number for the home team just on defense. Cleveland just went scoreless against the Bengals, for heaven's sake. And they are starting Bruce Gradkowski. On the road. The over-under in this game should be for the defensive team's points.

If you were Romeo Crennel, would you even show up for this game? You could get the jump on the airport traffic, and have the same impact on the contest, by just putting up a cardboard cutout and having some assistant move it with the line of scrimmage? You'd be warmer.

Steelers 31, Browns 6

NEW ENGLAND (-6.5) at Buffalo

Oh, the puling. You think Patriots Fan has been insufferable, folks? Just wait until his precious little 11-win team that played a kitten-soft schedule doesn't get their ticket punched for the postseason. I'd normally feel some sympathy, given their injury woes and the simple fact that more Chargers/Broncos football is really not good for anyone... but frankly, Pats Fans, your tears are SO YUMMY. (And this game will be closer than anticipated, just because after last week's "contest" against Arizona, they'll need some adjustment time for playing a team that cares a little. Fred Jackson also wants this job next year.)

Patriots 27, Bills 20

Seattle at Arizona (-6.5)

Crappy Redemption Time for the Cardinals, who want to avoid the monicker of Worst Team Ever to Host A Playoff Game. They get the Seahawks, who won their going-away game for Walrus Holmgren in the home snow against the reeling Jets. This week, the Cardinals will "muscle" up and Holmgren will lay down. The Cards will be up enough to bench their "stars" late, just to put the final dagger in the back of fantasy football owners. I'm angry just thinking about it.

Cardinals 31, Seahawks 20

Washington at SAN FRANCISCO (-3.5)

Two teams with nothing to play for, one team with a coach that will be there next year. The 'Skins come off a satisfying spoiler win against the Eagles at home, while the Niners pulled out a late win in St. Louis. So long as Shaun Hill doesn't turn the ball over, I like the home team to win a game that history will little note, nor long remember.

Niners 24, Redskins 13

MIAMI (+2.5) at New York

Oh, J-E-T-S- JETS JETS JETS Fan. The Favre Era hasn't gone well for you, has it? And to think, no one could have seen this coming, that a 40-year-old turnover machine with a terrible recent playoff record might (a) fade down the stretch, (b) annoy you with retirement talk, and (c) get recognition that he doesn't deserve (a Pro Bowl berth, when he should have lost his job).

The Dolphins have some issues here; they are a warm-weather team on the road, and they have less talent than the high-salaried home team. But they also have the better QB in Prodigal Son Chad Pennington, who will manage the game, hand off to their talented running backs, not make the killer mistake and win the game. The bitterness from J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS Fan should be something to see, and the booing will be legendary.

Dolphins 24, Jets 20

Dallas at PHILADELPHIA (-1.5)

So here's how this works. Since this is the 4:15 game, the teams will know if the game means anything, depending on the outcome of Bears-Texans and Raiders-Bucs. However, this won't matter at all to the outcome of the game, because it's that kind of game; hell, I expect the Eagles to be *better* if the game is meaningless, since that's the kind of perfect Screw Your Draft and Keep Your Cancerous Coach outcome.

Besides, it's a pressure situation, and I think we've proven what Tony Romo does in that kind of situation. (And with Marion Barber and Jason Witten still banged up, the Eagles defense will be much better than last time, and it'll be cold and nasty to keep the points down.)

Oh, and here's a fun fact: 1996 was the last year in which Dallas had a winning record in December. From hell's heart, I stab at thee, Cowboy Fan.

Eagles 24, Cowboys 20

Jacksonville at BALTIMORE (-12.5)

A lot of points to lay on a home team with a rookie QB, but the Jaguars are without top corner Rasheed Mathis, and the Ravens need the game for the playoffs. Baltimore might be a bit of a paper tiger, with an 0-5 record against playoff teams... but the Jags aren't a playoff team, and the Ravens are. Look for 200+ yards rushing and a defensive score, as David Garrard's season of misery finally ends.

Ravens 24, Jaguars 10

Denver at SAN DIEGO (-8.5)

The final game of the season is a play-in game for the right to host the Colts, and the Chargers will win this one easily, just to suck in a lot of money on people thinking they are (finally) on a roll.

If you are tempted to take the Broncos just because the Chargers are that kind of awful tease, consider this: Tatum Bell is the last healthy Denver running back. Don't expect much.

In a shootout (because Brandon Marshall and Eddie Royal will produce), look for Jay Cutler to turn the ball over more, and for LaDanian Tomlinson to make tens of millions of fantasy football owners curse bitterly as he finally has a breakout game in 2008.

Chargers 34, Broncos 24

Last week: 9-7

Year to date: 122-107-7

It's a Corpulent Life

Series of shots of various streets and buildings in the town of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The streets are deserted, and snow is falling.

It is Christmas Eve. Over the above scenes we hear voices praying:

SHOOTER'S VOICE: Dear God, I promise to stop strangling hobos if you fire Andy Reid. Amen.

BULLET'S VOICE: Joseph, Jesus and Mary. All would do better than Andy Reid. Take him home, dear God.

MRS. REID's VOICE: Help him finally eat so much that he explodes tonight.

GARRETT REID'S VOICE: He never makes the right decision, God. That's my pop!

BRITT REID'S VOICE: I need more drugs, dear Lord. Fill up my anus with drugs. Oh, and kill Dad, since I can't seem to do it myself.

DONOVAN MCNABB'S VOICE: Please God, give me some wideouts that actually catch the ball when I throw it to them. Oh, and if you want to lose Fatso, that works for me.

BRIAN WESTBROOK'S VOICE: Please, God. Something is wrong with my legs. Help.

ZUZU'S VOICE: I'm just a fictional character that's designed to make you cry like a 12-year-old girl, and even I know he sucks eggs. Please keep Andy away from all of us, God.

CAMERA PULLS UP from the Reid home and travels up through the sky until it is above the falling snow and moving slowly towards a sky full of stars. As the camera stops we hear the following heavenly voices speaking, and as each voice is heard, the various stars twinkle brightly.

JEROME BROWN'S VOICE: Whassup, Joseph. Tell me again why I haven't gotten wings yet?

JOSEPH'S VOICE: Jerome, we've talked about this. No matter what Eagle Fan thinks, you don't get into heaven just from being really good at football and dying for no good reason.

JEROME'S VOICE: That's cold.

JOSEPH'S VOICE: Looks like we'll have to send someone down -- a lot of people are asking to be rid of a man named Andy Reid.

FRANKLIN'S VOICE: Andy Reid. Yes, tonight's only his 40th crucial night in the last three years. You're right, we'll have to send someone down immediately. Whose turn is it?

JOSEPH's VOICE: Well, that's just the thing. No one wants to go. I've asked everyone, and no one wants to have a thing to do with him anymore. You'd think that, with all of us being beatific beings, we'd be on this as part of our duty, but no one wants to get near him, on the off chance that failure and fatness is contagious.

JEROME'S VOICE: Dammit, I know what all a y'all are going to do. Send the brother on the fringe. Like I want any part of his fat ass.

FRANKLIN'S VOICE: Jerome, please. You're fairly large yourself.

JEROME'S VOICE: Not like him! For God's sake, I could move! I got quarterback pressure! I was absolute misery on screens!

FRANKLIN'S VOICE: Yeah, but look at you now. Getting that Eternal 15 and then some, aren't you?

JEROME'S VOICE: Screw you, whitey.

JOSEPH'S VOICE: Jerome, look, we'll make this simple. At exactly ten-forty-five PM tonight, local time, Andy Reid will be thinking seriously of throwing away God's greatest gift.

FRANKLIN'S VOICE: Mostly when the outraged townspeople throw him off a bridge.

JEROME'S VOICE: Dude, have you watched this man work or eat in the last five years? There's nothing new to this thought process.

FRANKLIN'S VOICE: Jerome's got a point.

JOSEPH'S VOICE: Look, do the right thing, you get your wings.

JEROME'S VOICE: Finally. It's worse than Canton up here.

CAMERA MOVES TO REID HOUSE, FADES INTO CLOSE SHOT OF ANDY REID

ANDY: God... God... Dear Father in Heaven, I'm not a praying man, but if you're up there and you can hear me, show me some more hot wings. I'm fresh out.

JEROME enters, breaking down the door with a quick shoulder burst.

ANDY: Wow. You're big, fast, strong. I'd hire you in a second to play defensive line for my team. But you're too big. I only like lineman that are built like linebackers. Small linebackers.

JEROME slaps ANDY hard.

ANDY: I'm sorry. That was my fault.

JEROME: Shut up.

ANDY: I've got to do better.

JEROME: You want me to slap you again?

ANDY: Maybe.

JEROME (visibly disgusted): Look, you fat tub of goo, I've watched you for the last ten years, along with everyone else in Philadelphia.

ANDY: OK.

JEROME: I'm your guardian angel. And not in a faggy New York way, either. I'm more dead than your playoff hopes.

ANDY: Well, you look like the kind of angel I'd get.

JEROME slaps ANDY hard.

ANDY: I'm sorry. That was my fault.

JEROME: Anyway, no one else wanted to be seen with your sorry ass, and the Turk in the Sky is going to give me my wings if I turn you around.

ANDY: OK. You wouldn't happen to have any wings on you, would you? I'd also take Krispy Kreme.

JEROME slaps ANDY hard.

ANDY: I'm sorry. That was my fault.

JEROME: S'alright. I've had worse days. (thinking) So, you think eating yourself to death, chronically mismanaging your talent, blowing every close game and becoming the division's bitch would... aw, hell, I don't know why you'd do that.

ANDY (dejectedly): Oh, I don't know. I guess you're right. I suppose it would have been better if I'd never been born at all.

JEROME: Done and done. (Lowers himself into a three point stance, then pops out and flattens ANDY like a pancake.)

ANDY (bleeding): Why did you do that?

JEROME: My hands were starting to hurt from slapping you. Anyway, you've never been born. You don't exist. You haven't a care in the world.

ANDY feels his stomach as JEROME talks.

JEROME: No worries - no obligations - no Philadelphia sports fans and media to placate with the same cliches that you've said a thousand times before. No kids in prison. No nationally televised Terrell Owens de-pantsing in a few days.

ANDY: Look at my feet!

JEROME: What about them?

ANDY: I can see them!

JEROME: Yeah, whatever.

WIPE TO: ANDY and JEROME outside a local sports bar. ANDY is hesitant to go inside.

JEROME: What's the matter?

ANDY (reluctant): Well, if I go in there, they'll throw rotted fruits and vegetables at me. And I'm kind of liking this ability to see my feet.

JEROME: Just get your ass in there.

WIPE TO: INTERIOR SPORTS BAR

JEROME: That's all right, no one's going to mess with you if you are with me.

CROWDS OF SPECTATORS: Holy crap, it's Jerome Brown!

JEROME: See? Now sit your less-fat ass down.

ANDY: But won't the bartender spit in my drink in front of me?

JEROME: Why would he do that? You never coached the Eagles. You never lost three straight NFC Championship Games, two of them at home. You never traded for Lorenzo Booker, drafted Jerome McDougle or Freddie Mitchell in the first round, and reached for Kevin Kolb to create a constant swirl of speculation around your star quarterback.

ANDY: Damn, I sucked.

JEROME: I'd go on, but I don't have to. You didn't exist.

ANDY: How did they do without me?

JEROME: Hell if I know. Ask the bartender. I just got the last ten years of my afterlife back.

ANDY: OK. Hey, bartender, how have the Eagles done in the last 10 years?

BARTENDER: Don't ask me. I'm a Bengals fan.

ANDY: Really?

BARTENDER: Sure, ever since the Eagles passed on Donovan McNabb for Ricky Williams. What that man has done in the Natti, with those wideouts, is just amazing. And to think, they could have been stuck with Akili Smith.

ANDY: Huh.

BARTENDER: Well, I'm from Ohio originally anyway, so I might not be the best guy to ask. Why don't you talk to that guy down there, in the WAYNE jersey. His name's Doug.

ANDY: Thanks. (Slides over.) Hey, the bartender tells me you're an Eagles fan. This will sound odd, but can you tell me how the team has done in the past 10 years?

DOUG (shrugging): Well, Ricky Williams and Jim Haslett looked like they'd be good for a little while, especially when they added the best wideout in the history of the franchise in 2001 with my man Reggie. But they were never able to find a decent QB after passing on McNabb, and after Ricky got caught with the weed, they really fell apart for a while there. I'm still amazed that Ryan Leaf took the Cowboys to a playoff game.

ANDY (grinning): Gee, that's too bad.

DOUG: But then we got Troy Polamalu in 2003, and watching him and Brian Dawkins kill people for the last five years has made me happier than you could imagine. And I'm really excited about when Felix Jones comes back next year.

ANDY: Oh.

DOUG: It's just football, you know? The Eagles go up and down, but so long as it seems like there's a plan and positive growth, I'm a pretty happy fan. And now that we've got Coach Spagnuolo and this local kid Joe Flacco, I really think we're going to be good next year. Besides, the rest of the division is made up of big money fools.

JEROME: Heard enough?

ANDY: I think so. Let's get out of here.

WIPE TO REID'S HOUSE

JEROME: So, that's what the world would have been like without you. The Eagles never sign Terrell Owens, because they have Reggie Wayne. They still haven't won a Super Bowl, but they also haven't had the ridiculous drama of the past few years. And I'm still dead, which really sucks.

ANDY: Yeah. I think I'm going to want to live again, though.

JEROME: Dude, why?

ANDY: Well, I still get to make McNabb throw it 50 to 60 times a game, and that's got to work eventually.

JEROME slaps ANDY hard.

ANDY: Also, there's the eating. I wouldn't want to miss the eating.

JEROME slaps ANDY hard.

ANDY: I'm sorry. That was my fault.

JEROME: Yes. Yes it is. Son of a bitch.

(roll credits)

Epic Drop: Top 11 sports grievances

A good fun-time link of hate and grievance, just in time for your favorite December holiday. I'VE GOT A PROBLEM WITH YOU PEOPLE!

Music for a late night

Not inspired, in any way, by watching the Packers spit the bit in tonight's MNF game, or what it means to the Shouldn't Exist Eagles playoff hopes. (Oh, and Pack? Thanks so much for not using Ryan Grant when you needed a touchdown in the fourth quarter. I'm glad you lost, you pukes. Or, well, not.)

Conference Me

In two weeks, there will be NFL playoff games happening in the home stadiums of the Arizona Cardinals, and the survivor of next week's San Diego Chargers / Denver Broncos slugfest. You will hear some limited knob sucking of the home teams, some shots of their fans whooping it up, and perhaps some discussion of the wildly more deserving #7 team in each conference that would have put up more of a fight when the home team goes down by two touchdowns in the third quarter.

It doesn't need to be this way.

Imagine, if you would, if there were only two divisions. So we move the North and East teams together, and the South and West as well. You'd then have home and home games for 14 of 16 games, and then -- and here's the magic part -- we expand the regular season to 18 games by losing the pre-season.

Then, and here's the real winning part -- we go to a playoff round where it's just division winners and two wild-cards. No byes, no tie-breakers, no off weeks making the top seeds more or less auto-wins in their first home game.

We get more games that matter. We lose the pre-season games that everyone hates, and the real players avoid. Your fantasy season gets longer and more interesting. We also have

I also give you the following games twice a yaer:

> Steelers-Patriots - an absolutely dynamite rivalry

> Ravens-Jets - train rivals, easy hate

> Buffalo-Cleveland - nearly on top of each other, both with issues

> Broncos-Colts - an awful playoff history for the Broncos to overcome, and the chance to do it

> Bears-Giants - Old-school NFL rivals in an obvious network big money rivalry

> Cardinals-Cowboys - Regional rivals, nearly, with the best moments in recent Cardinals history all involving beating back the Boys

> Eagles-Packers - Another old-school rivalry, with many noteworthy moments in the past

> Redskins-Lions -- Maybe if Detroit plays them twice a year every year, they can finally get a win

It also means a lot less travel, especially for the North/East matchups, and more Road Fan Nation experiences.

All of this is better -- a lot better -- than what we've got right now. And there's no chance in hell of an 8-8 team getting to the playoffs. Let's not let the Cardinals/AFC West thing ever happen again, folks.

Epic Drop: Top 10 NFL announcer verbal tics

Today's list is a festival of teeth grinding hate for the things, that, well, make your teeth grind. Or would, at least, if you are anything like me, which as always, I hope you are not.

Seriously, though... maybe this is just a function of increasing age and all, but the older I get, the less tolerant I am of the whole NFL announcing profession. Either you've got some absolute hate from the ex-Cowboys out there, or unrepentant tired shtick from the Personality Types. I just want the game, people, preferably from some uber-nerd that knows something of advanced statistics or unrepentant film study. Tell me something I don't know, rather than what's obvious to anyone with a pulse and eyes. You're certainly getting paid enough.

Epic Drop: Top 10 fantasy football championship week goats

Well folks, you can probably guess that I owned most of the people on this lists today, and yet I still won my head to head matchup. It was a pretty bad league as leagues go, but a win is a win is a win, and it makes FFL a profit for the year.

And yes, I'd exchange it for one more yard for Reggie Brown and an overtime score, even though in the long run, anything that gets the Fat Turd off the Eagles sideline is worth it. Not that he's going anywhere, of course...

Any time now, Fat Man

So, my fellow Eagles Fans, did you watch the whole thing? After all, they were only one play away for five straight drives, and the fact that four of them were three-and-outs didn't dissuade any hopes, did it. The Eagles had the ball 12 times today; 5 times they went off with alacrity, and only the final doomed drive got into double figures in plays. The finale, to Has To Be Gone WR Reggie Brown being the Kevin Dyson Yard away from sending it to likely overtime.

In trouble on the road, Fat Man Reid did what he always does; throw it a million times with utterly unimaginative playcalling and put everything on Donovan McNabb. He better keep him next year, because if he tries this nonsense with Kevin Kolb, he'll lose double-digit games. I'm also fairly sure that if he could have been eating during the game, he would have.

Showing that there is no mercy on this side of the grave, the loss doesn't eliminate them from playoff contention. They no longer control their fate, having disliked that kind of responsibility for the three hours of this game.

A hidden bummer factor before the game were the injuries to Kevin Curtis and Hank Baskett... which led to more of Brown and DeSean Jackson, who had four drops today, including one in the last minute that would have tied things. DJ's still the keeper in the unit, but he's clearly hit the wall this year, and when the talent is this underwhelming, going to the backups is not a recipe for success.

In the wreckage, take one moment of appreciation for the defense, which gave up their only touchdown on a short field after a fumble, and refused to quit late despite the offense giving them every reason to. Of course, they also forced no turnovers, but when you give up 10 points on the road, you should win.

I'm not sure what needs to happen here, talent-wise. Some people want a new TE, since LJ Smith is horrible and Brent Celek probably isn't good enough for full-time duty. Others want a new RB, since relying on Brian Westbrook to be healthy is right up there with depending on your 401K to retire -- previously sound, and now, not so much. Defensively, it'd always be nice to have a true two-gap defensive tackle for once, to actually make run stopping a matter of course, rather than concern. Others want the QB gone.

But there isn't anyone that I know that wants to see Reid on the sidelines again next year. The team is just too maddening to deal with in its current incarnation, too wasteful of talent, too deficient of planning. Even if they win next week, get into the playoffs and win games when they are there, it's just... well, let's put it this way. None of us are too shocked by today.

Leave, Reid. Whether by fork lift or cargo net is up to you, but it's Time. To. GO.

Saturday Night's Allright for Cowboy Death

Tonight, I endured hours of NFL Network's online coverage -- and no, it's not something you want to put up with -- to see perhaps the most fun game in the history of Texas Stadium. It'll also be the last.

For the first three quarters, the game was a defensive struggle, and that included watching it... or the bits that NFLN chose to show online, as part of their intermittent "Contractual obligations that we, um, wrote, prevent us from showing you the entire game" live cuts into the action. But when it came down to crunch time, we were riding on most of the live action, and what was shown was chuckle-tastic.

On back to back Had To Have It Plays with their offense finally making plays, and just needing the ball back for the late Houdini score and win, the Cowboy defense gave up kitten-soft long touchdowns to Willis McGahee and LaRon McClain. And just like that, a lock-low under bet went out the door, along with the likely Cowboy playoff hopes.

On the first to McGahee, he went up the gut and was more or less untouched. On the second, McClain arm-raped (because, well, stiff-armed just doesn't do justice for it) Ken Hamlin. The Ravens had 265 yards rushing -- 160 on the last two carries. As Don Meredith wound sing, turn out the lights, the party's over...

The Cowboys are now on the outside looking in in the NFC. Hell, for good measure, the Patriots also got boned, since the Ravens are ahead of them in the wild-card race, and are only a home win against the Giving Up Jags from being a six seed that will likely end the season of whoever survives the AFC East.

In the late going, Tony Romo picked up enough fantasy points to give me a shot in my head to head league, and justified my last-minute move of benching the Ravens defense in my points league. We've even got the goodness of two quick wins in the picks column, and the mild happiness of avoiding a Marion Barber start that would have completely boned me in the head to head match.

Special ups for this game go to Derrick Mason, who shook off a nagging shoulder injury to haul in the first and most important Ravens touchdown with his left arm dangling like a dead thing. If there's a tougher wideout in the league, I haven't seen him. And the balls of brass go to head coach John Harbaugh, who dialed up a perfect fake field goal call in the third quarter to set up the Mason touch.

For the Cowboys, where to start? Despite getting yards from backup Tashard Choice (17 for 90 yards and a touchdown) for most of the night, they showed no confidence in the running game, choosing to run draws from shotgun on 3rd and inches or scramble outs on 3rd and 1. They might have the worst #2 WR in the NFL in Roy Williams, who still brings the big celebration moments for every play he makes -- and considering he had three catches for 12 yards tonight, that kind of thing is noticeable. He also had the final offensive play in the stadium's history for the home team, as he was tackled for a loss on a 4th and 1 pass (and yes, yet again, throwing in short yardage situations).

Romo was fairly horrible in the first half especially, with two picks to Ed Reed in deep heave forced balls to Terrible Owens; he was also out of sync with any receiver not named Jason Witten. Owens did get a touchdown in the late going, but he also quit on several balls and lost another one in the lights. And just when they thought they had something to hold on -- a run defense that had made McClain look like just another back -- they fell apart. They now need the Falcons and Bucs to stumble tomorrow (because, well, neither of those teams is losing in Week 17), and a win on the road in Philadelphia next week. (Sorry, Birds Fans, but since they'd win the head-to-head tie-breaker, the Eagles need wins in their last two games no matter what.)

Given that they couldn't get it done tonight in their house with all of their alumni present, it's a little hard to see how they do it next week, on the road. But that won't stop Eagle Fan from thinking I'm jinxing things if I stay down this path, so I'll just be on my merry little way. My very merry little way...

Updated: Share in the merry!

We Wish You A Drunken, Broken-Down Christmas

Tonight while the Colts were covering the spread by the hairs on their chinny chin chins despite Peyton perfection, your bloghole provider was in a West Village Italian restaurant's basement, periodically checking the score on his Blackberry and trying to get as much wine down as possible without imperiling the food. Yes, it was a Work Holiday Frivolity Thing, which led to the 1 am train ride home, and because I'm awake and not nearly impaired enough, you get to hear about it. Curse these observational powers. Fans of Teh Wanking, today is your lucky day.

The place turned out to be less than a block away from a place my band played in New York at least a half dozen times, The Spiral on Houston Street. I thought I recognized the neighborhood -- it's quite close to the East River, near the corner of Houston and Avenue A -- but it's not like we were ever walking around the neighborhood on those nights; we were playing, schmoozing, roadying and then getting the hell home, because the gig was always on a weeknight and we were staring down the barrel of a 3 to 4am bedtime with work in the morning. Just like, well, tonight.

It also never seemed like the nicest place to be; for Manhattan, it was downright seedy, and we always worried a lot about the security of the vehicles. Walking around it tonight, it seemed like little had changed, except for the fact that I was walking the scene of the crime some 10 to 15 years later. It made me want to email old friends for no reason, but luckily, that's just the wine talking, and it won't talk very loudly in the morning. Nothing will.

New York, it is true, never really stops or closes, but it does certainly have thinning traffic. Upon exiting the restaurant around 11:15, hoping in vain to get to Newark in time for the midnight train, I eventually was able to bring down a cab for one of those Only In New York reckless driving / bad shocks Wee! Wee! WEEE! experiences. Six minutes and a dozen traffic lights later, I was at my PATH station, which always seems dirty and compromised late in the evening, though it never really gets to Unsafe. (That's because I'm a white male, and just this side of invisible in my nondescript workaday trudge. Or so I like to think, rather then give in to the fear.)

Forty five minutes later, I'm in Newark, waiting out the 40 minutes until the next hour's train. Inside the station is a 6/7 (out of 10) Asian woman who is well shy of five fett tall, and only getting that close through the use of spiky little stiletto heels. She walks with the confidence of someone who does this every day, and all I can say is it looks like it hurts. Nope, not a sex worker.

The train turns out to be the same double-decker bit of utility that I usually ride six and a half hours earlier in the day, and I'm even able to get one of those Privacy Ensured single seats with the dedicated luggage spot in the front top section, otherwise known as the one you really want and never get.

I sit down to write and get blasted from 30 feet away by an incredibly loud guy who is treating what seems to be the entire train to the spellbinding tale of how juicy his Thanksgiving turkey was. Adding to the, um, merit of the conversation is that he's punctuating his conversation with five-year old African-American slang for no good reason at all. On the plus side, he keeps me awake, despite the cold medicine and wine, for five not terribly pleasant minutes, but his is not a consistent superpower, and at this hour, the train stops at every damn milk stop on the way to its final destination...

and I jerk to a start fifteen minutes and four stops down the line, with 30 more minutes to go. As Satchel Paige once said, "The social ramble ain't restfull," right before he weighed in on the merits of fried foods that anger up the blood.

With fifteen minutes to go, the train picks up snapping with-it girls that can't possibly be riding the rails for a good reason at this hour. We make New Brunswick and the micro-sleeping gets worse. And I get to do this all over again, albeit for the last time in 2008, tomorrow. And as the last dregs of battery life in the laptop and brain life in me trickle out, it's just one station left to go and Publish.

See you again, too soon.

Epic Drop: Top 10 shocking realizations for NFL gamblers

Tonight's list was far, far too easy to write. Use that knowledge in my intervention, after I talk myself into a prop bet for a wild card NFC East team to win the Super Bowl with three straight road wins for the second straight year.

Epic Drop: Top 12 most hated U.S. sports franchises

Good clean hate here, folks. Burns clean and will keep you warm on a cold winter's night.

Week 16 NFL Picks: Robots, Robots, Robots

Did you know that we are already in the Age of the Robot? And tellingly, it's not cool sexy pleasure bots like Seven of Nine or even wise-cracking human-haters like Bender Rodriguez; instead, it's sickening little pukes like the Roomba vacuum cleaner and assembly-line retards that do nothing but cause good men to lose their jobs. As with many things that The Future was supposed to provide us -- hello? where is my damn flying car already? -- I'm feeling powerfully ripped off. (But not by the great forgotten band "Rise Robots Rise", who, by some miracle, actually have a video on You Tube. Get down with your bad robot self. Plus, there's some legitimately nice poon.)



Where, for instance, is the cybernetic man-machine that can finally rid the world of quarterback meatbags like what's afflicting the entire state of O High O? Tell me, Bengal or Brown Fan, once you've gotten your head out of the oven that you can no longer afford to heat, what you'd rather see at this point: Ken Dorsey, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Jordan Palmer, Joshua Cribbs or Evil Otto from "Berzerk." None of them seem to have any kind of arm to throw the ball, but at least Otto has a chance at making a blitzing cornerback sorry.



(You can, if you must, play the game here. No download needed, since the memory required to run this thing now fits in an earbud. An old earbud.)

(As a final aside before we reel this thing back in... have you ever met anyone who didn't think the Fox Robot was, at best, worthless? Wanking in public while your paid mouth jobber chats up the clever people who designed the wanking is, well, wanking. It's time for New Austerity, people. Scrap that thing, unless it's taking time away from Tony Siragusa. Hell, given both of those options, show me another ad instead. I hear that Toyota needs to publicize its financing offers.)

It's also not helping matters that Vegas has (a) come to grips with the fact that home field advantage is no longer a league-wide phenomenon, since Rich and Worthless People go to the games and don't take their man-servants to cheer for them anymore, and (b) many of the teams in the league are trying to get their coaches replaced with every level of quit that they've got in them. Once again, I'd like a stern robotic overlord to get the next chance at motivating the troops. A fiery toaster or hard-assed answering machine with something to prove just might be just the change of pace that their players need after the horror of Crennel/Lewis. They couldn't really do any worse.

So after a tie-fest and the continuing horror that is the Carolina Panthers, we lost a little ground last week, but remain solidly above .500 for the year, and will make some sportsbook pay dearly for trifling with the likes of us. But soon, we'll be making all of our picks with the massive and frightening GAMBLOR3000 Betting Robot, who cries surprisingly lifelike tears when suck-out covers happen in garbage time. If only I could have it play for me at the poker tables in Atlantic City, and have some WRITERBOT3000 write this here blog, then I'd have time for the finer things in life. Like, oh, gambling and writing.

And with that... on to the FREE NFL Picks! (Lines provided by BetUs.com.)

* * * * *

INDIANAPOLIS (-6.5) at Jacksonville

The Colts own one of the least impressive seven-game winning streaks in NFL history. Seriously, if you throw out the Houdini Act that they pulled on the Steelers in Pittsburgh, it's a run that would leave them lower in the BCS standings then when they started. The final two weeks at least brings us back to something approaching NFL football, as the Jaguars usually give them a fight and the Titans might still be in Caring Mode for Week 17, especially after Tom Coughlin showed the world that trying in Week 17 isn't a bad idea last year. (I can not tell you how much it hurts me to have something to thank Tom Coughlin for.)

The Jags come off a surprising win against the best awful team in NFL history, the Green Bay Packers, in which Maurice Jones-Drew finally cast aside his Fred Taylor shackles and made all of his fantasy owners realize what they've been missing all these years; namely, five to ten more touches a game that will eventually result in an increased injury rate and lower productivity. Take it from a guy who was very excited to get Marion Barber in two of three leagues, and not so excited to have him in the fantasy playoffs last week. Woof.

Anyway, back to this game... Peyton Manning has gone to Throw It To Everyone Mode, which makes the Colts harder to defend since they actually have all the same level of receiver now that Reggie Wayne has become fairly ordinary. Last week, he zeroed in on Dallas Clark; this week, it will be some guy you've never heard of, just to make you hate yourself for drafting Wayne, Harrison or (I'm still very, very angry) Anthony Gonzalez. For the Jags, expect a spirited first half as David Garrard targets Dennis Northcutt on the theory that he (a) knows what he's doing, and (b) actually gives a damn, unlike the other Jaguar receiving slugs. Someone will eventually get something out of Mercedes Lewis, but it won't be Jack del Rio. The Colts should win big, since they have something to play for and the Jags are kind of awful, but they won't, because they are the Colts. If I could bet on a spread of my blood pressure rising, I'd take the over here.

Colts 27, Jaguars 20

RAVENS (+4.5) at Dallas

Will the Ravens come into this game with useful anger over blowing the home game they had to have against the Steelers, or useless anger that they direct at themselves and the referees? It's Trial Time for rookie coach John Harbaugh, who has to be better than predecessor Brian Billick with much of the same talent that went down the Anger Hole last year after the Patriot Screwjob.

Helping matters is the fact that he's (finally) just doing the useful thing and giving the ball to LaRon McClain, who will have one of the more satisfying five-year careers in recent NFL history. If you liked Christian Okoye -- and who didn't, really? -- you're going to love McClain, especially while they still have Lorenzo Neal to block for him. It's just shy of 600 pounds of runaway hate, the way that God intended football to be, and guaranteed to be four of the more satisfying yards you'll ever see, especially if you like to see pretty-boy corners hurt in run support. But the visitors are really going to need a useful road game with minimal mistakes from rookie QB Joe Flacco, who has to avoid sacks, turnovers, and red zone field goal attempts if the visitors are going to pull off the upset. I think they'll get there, but it won't be easy.

For the Cowboys, they're doing it with mirrors now, as the five to ten plays a game that Tony Romo improvs into something very useful have become the sum and substance of the offense. Gone are the 10 and 15 play drives where the Cowboys move the ball from Owens to Witten to Barber to Misc. Wideout, with nary a third down, dropped pass or look of bewilderment from an increasingly overmatched offensive line.

In other words, it's December. And the Ravens need this game as much as the Cowboys, which makes it a de facto playoff match up... and we all know that Mssr. Romo doesn't really excel in those, does he?

The Cowboy defense has been playing better, but after 25 carries from McClain, they won't be. Flacco will look just fine when he play-action passes against a 10-man run blitz.

Ravens 20, Cowboys 18

PITTSBURGH (-2.5) at Tennessee

The Steelers finally catch a break in scheduling, at least relatively so, by catching the Titans when they are down. Albert Haynesworth and Kyle Vander Bosch will both miss this game for the Titans, which means a world of difference to Somewhat Quick Willie Parker and his overachieving backup, Mewelde Moore. It will also mean that Big Ben will be upright and looking for his full complement of receivers (read: Heath Miller gets to play in this game), rather than just Holmes and Ward in double coverage.

Look for the Steelers to hold the ball for up to 35 minutes, keeping their defense fresh and snarly for the Titans' suddenly meager attack. Unless Chris Johnson has a 20 carries for 150 yards kind of day in him, I can't see the home team winning this game... and frankly, I'm surprised the number is this low. Yes, the Steelers have been lucky in pulling off the last few weeks of wins, but they are also good, and the Titans are a touchdown or more worse without two of their three best defensive players on the sidelines.

Steelers 27, Titans 13

MIAMI (-4.5) at Kansas City

A scant five years after his sell-by date, the Chiefs have left longtime GM Carl Peterson go, meaning that we only have two more games of Herman Edwards Playing To Win The Game left to savor. One hopes that Chiefs Fan, assuming that he's still able to walk upright after last week's last-minute reaming from the Chargers, will note the passage of time. Had Peterson's Chiefs managed to break through and win a Super Bowl in their years of high competence, many tragic NFL lives would have been changed. Marty Schottenheimer wouldn't be a punchline, Priest Holmes would have been recognized as the truly great back of his age, and Niner Fan would have been much more bitter about the end of the Montana Era. But, alas, all that Peterson will have to console himself with will be his USFL Championships, when he even made Jim Mora a winner. Yes, Virginia, there was a league where Jim Mora and Carl Peterson were big winners.

For the Dolphins, this falls into the classification of another road game against a turd team where they will make it look hard, because when you start Chad Pennington at quarterback, life is just hard. They'll squeak out a cover here, because Lo, The Chiefs Have No Defense, but it won't be by much.

Dolphins 27, Chiefs 21

Arizona at NEW ENGLAND (-7.5)

If this keeps up, the Cardinals could be the first touchdown-plus home underdog in playoff history. Seriously, let's imagine the line where the Cardinals lose out and have to face a winning-out Eagles, Cowboys or Falcons team. Now, add in the inevitable heartbreaking injury to Kurt Warner. It could easily be a double-digit line. Hope you enjoyed the wait for your first home playoff game in forever, Phoenicians! It's what you get for naming your stadium after just anyone with money.

(And hey, speaking of such things... does anyone else remember when Amway was a cult, and not a proud NFL sponsor? I'm officially creeped out by that. What's next, taking the Mormom Moolah to tell me how many NFL players really hate the idea of gay marriage? Maybe some Indian casino can buy stadium naming rights, now that all of the banks have gone kerflooey. Chico's Bail Bonds can definitely get some branding presence on the laundry. And you thought that sports in a recession wouldn't be fun?)

Back to the game... Matt Cassel racks up a billion fantasy points, you lose unless you own him and fellow waiver wire bait Pierre Thomas, Warner's touchdowns are vultured by random running backs and there's absolutely no bitterness from his fantasy owners. None. AT. ALL.

Patriots 34, Cardinals 24

San Francisco at ST. LOUIS (+5.5)

A classic NFC West matchup is... not something that's going to happen in this decade. So make do with this instant test of whether you have a serious gambling problem. Since I clearly do, I'm going with the team with the coach that will have a job next year -- that'd be Mike Singletary's Niners, who've been downright frisky for weeks now -- instead of the home team, who can't protect Marc Bulger, and probably shouldn't. (Though if Stephen Jackson actually runs with passion, I'll probably regret this.)

Niners 24, Rams 17

CINCINATI (+3.5) at Cleveland

Part Two of the You Have A Gambling Problem test is this classic turd battle of the AFC North, where Ohio's shame will be broadcast to all. There's no coach, quarterback or running back that should be employed, and the best wideouts are also hopelessly overrated. Picking a winner is strictly for dart board enthusiasts and Cedric Benson fans, which is to say, two groups of people who don't exist. I'll go with the road team, mostly for the idea that when your teams are this bad, count on the home fans going home unhappy. Again.

Bengals 24, Browns 20

SAN DIEGO (+3.5) at Tampa Bay

Do you go with the underachieving team with no running game, or the overachieving team with no running game? The Chargers come in after an escape act in Kansas City that was nearly short-circuited by the breathtaking stupidity of QB Philip Rivers, who didn't know to go for two after going up late, and contributed to a near breathtaking collapse that was only missed by a 50-yard field goal miss. Had the Chiefs converted that, the Chargers would be over and their fans would be relieved, but the torture is going to continue for one more week, because the Bucs just can't score right now, or tackle. They're also likely to start Brian Griese, which is like Rivers in ten years, after all the hope is gone.

Chargers 20, Bucs 16

NEW ORLEANS (-7.5) at Detroit

Just one more week, Detroit, and it will all be over, except for the decades of stock footage that you'll come to loathe. What will be the defining moment? I'm thinking it will be when Dan Orlovsky ran out of the end zone for the worst safety in NFL history, followed up by the winning field goal in the Minnesota game, then a reaction shot from Matt Millen, and finally a slow pan of misery from costumed Lions fans, perhaps at the Thanksgiving game. And if you think it hasn't already been made, you're fooling yourselves.

In this game, Drew Brees could throw a mess of picks while Orlovsky, Kevin Smith and Calvin Johnson have career games. But what will really happen is that Pierre Thomas will continue to punish the living and the dead, and Brees will shamelessly pump up his yardage numbers in an attempt to make Dan Marino even more bitter about life. Not possible, really.

Saints 34, Lions 20

NY JETS (-5.5) at Seattle

Oh, once again with the Jets going west to play a team they should throttle, but probably won't. They received an early Christmas gift from the breathtakingly awful J.P. Losman last week, which allowed them to win while failing to tackle Marshawn Lynch and Fred Jackson worth a damn. Brett Favre continued to provoke buyer's remorse while actually getting the ball to his wideouts, and the team continued to not run the ball enough. You have to admire coach Eric Mangini's commitment to not giving the ball to Leon Washington, no matter how good the results. Washington just made the Pro Bowl despite touching the ball only 104 times in 14 games. No, seriously. He's averaging 6 yards a carry and 24 yards a catch, and the Jets can only get him the ball 8 times a game. Words fail.

For the Seahawks, Seneca Wallace and Deion Branch have provided some late season goodness for fantasy owners, which has helped to distract Mike Holmgren from the fact that they've been slowly decreasing the salmon ration. Soon, they will all shun him, and he will sadly shuffle off to the coast to swim away. Do not look him in the eye.

Jets 27, Seattle 20

Houston (-7.5) at OAKLAND

The Texans continue their late-season run towards being overrated in 2009 by having their second straight impressive win, this one a single point victory over the Titans. Credit goes to the suddenly stout defense and the continuing excellence of Steve Slaton, who now ranks seventh in rushing for the whole danged NFL. The fact that he's gone for 200 yards against the Titans, and didn't have anything much going on in the first month... well, my man crush is just getting embarrassing, so I'll stop.

The Texans are a big favorite here and a true darling of the late-season big money suicide pool bet, since you don't have to worry about burning them out before a playoff. Against the Raiders, they may provide for some uncertain moments, since Nnemdi Assomugha can make Andre Johnson disappear, Darren McFadden has given them a little juice lately, and JaMarcus Russell has actually gotten tight end Zach Miller to the point of ownabaility... but when you've been as bad as the Raiders have for as long as the Raiders have, the home field doesn't help. At all.

Texans 24, Raiders 16

BUFFALO (+7.5) at Denver

This is a horrible prop bet. Basically, it means that you're taking the Chargers to win in Tampa (yikes), so that the Broncos actually care enough to play this game... and then still lose.

Why I'm going for the upset is as follows.

1) The Bills should get back Trent Edwards, and will be able to move the ball on the ground against the Broncos.

2) Their special teams are very good, and could take advantage here.

3) The Broncos are capable of losing to any team at any time, and are down to their 8th or 9th choice at running back. At some point, that's got to matter.

4) Dick Jauron is, in all likelihood, nearly on his last game, and while he probably doesn't deserve to keep the gig, they do play hard for him. I think they'll try.

5) The Broncos are doomed to make the Week 17 game against the Chargers meaningful, and a shocking home defeat will complete the journey to two 8-7 teams fighting for a four seed. On the plus side, it will lay the seeds for the two division league that will eventually save us from this nonsense.

Bills 24, Broncos 21

PHILADELPHIA (-5.5) at Washington

So, is this Eagles team actually for real? There are reasons to be skeptical. Every team of any quality -- which is to say, any team that isn't in the NFC West -- is crushing the Cardinals. Once Plaxico Burress and Brandon Jacobs went down, and Antonio Pierce became ineffective, the Giants became pedestrian on offense and exploitable on defense, particularly for Brian Westbrook (and last week, Tashard Choice).

But the more realistic notion is that in the NFL, peaking in December is a very good thing, and that's just what this team has done. They are getting more out of the running game. Donovan McNabb might have been his most accurate last week against Cleveland. The defense has been very effective against the run, and ever since they de-emphasized Lito Sheppard, the pass defense has also been much better. Hell, even LJ Smith and Nick Cole have been effective, which also wasn't on the program. Now, if they could only get over that Disastrous Last Play of the First Half problem, it's all gravy.

For the Redskins, they are a five-car pileup of misery right now, with head coach Jim Zorn doing everything he can to mock those mid-season Coach of the Year ideas. The feud with Clinton Portis led last week to not giving him the ball on the goal line, and the juice has run out on the wideouts. Protection problems from the inevitable Chris Samuels injury has also made Chris Cooley stay in, making them even more punchless. They'll still get up for the hated Birds, but they don't have the talent to stay... and the Eagles know how bad Andy Reid is in close games, so they'll do what they can to make sure he doesn't get the chance to blow out. It's one more reason why he needs to resign.

Eagles 27, Redskins 16

Atlanta at MINNESOTA (-3.5)

A de facto win and you're in game for both teams, and probably the most entertaining game on the docket. Expect lots of flashback moments to that Gary Anderson Disaster NFC Championship, otherwise known as the game that kept Randall Cunningham out of the Hall of Fame. That won't matter at all to this game, though it won't keep Viking Fan from feeling miserable throughout the entire ordeal.

The Falcons come in after a huge overtime win against the Buccaneers, which would have been more impressive if the Bucs weren't starting Brian Griese and reeling hard from the Panthers loss a week before. The Vikings come in after their feel-good win of the year, where they took the Cardinals apart at the seams in the desert. They even feel good about Tavaris Jackson, which seems almost impossible, but the Cardinals are powerful things.

The Falcons also catch a break with Pat Williams being on the shelf, which makes the Michael Turner / Jerious Norwood duo much happier. But I've got the feeling that the Vikings are playing too well in their pass defense -- honestly, they beat the stuffing out of the Cardinals line, and kept Larry Fitzgerald, Anquan Boldin and Steve Breaston well under wraps -- to make either aspect of the Falcons offense play well enough to win this game. Suddenly, the Vikings are looking like a much more formidable #3 seed, and if the Giants continue to stumble, might even get a bye. I think they've got too much to play for to blow this game, and the Falcons just aren't ready to make the final step.

Vikings 21, Falcons 17

Carolina at NEW YORK GIANTS (-3.5)

A suddenly compelling game, if not a real artistic triumph. The Panthers come in with the hottest running game in the NFL, Steve Smith on fire, and a defense that's doing more than enough to win. The Giants come in with one offensive touchdown in their last 8 quarters, and that was in garbage time against the Eagles. It's hard to see, on some level, how the home team wins this game.

Except... that the Giants are better than this, especially against the run. They can take away Smith; they haven't been, for the most part, victimized for big passing games from star wideouts. When you put a strong pass rush on Jake Delhomme, very bad things happen. Derrick Ward is due for a better game than he's had recently. And the Giants are too well-coached to just fall apart like this, even if they aren't particularly convinced that they need the #1 seed to make it back to the Super Bowl.

Giants 24, Panthers 20

Green Bay at CHICAGO (-4.5)

The last game of the week is one of those Grudge Matches were the records of the team's aren't supposed to matter, and that's good, because if the Vikings win on Sunday (and they will, of course, since I've picked them), this game won't mean a thing to anyone. Give me the home town Bears to continue the Packers' season of misery, since Ryan Grant won't run like he did against them in Green Bay, and the Packers' secondary has been giving away yards like government cheese. Well-aged, stinky, government cheese...

Bears 31, Packers 24

Last Week: 5-8-3

Year to date: 113-100-7

Epic Drop: Top 12 sports to heckle

A labor of love tonight, friends. Pull yourself up a good sore throat remedy and mull over your options for the next event you go to. (Hint: you get much more bang for your buck with youth sports. Plus, you toughen them up for later!)

Et tu, Bilas?

HOWEVAH, I still believe!

MNF Thoughts: Eagles-Browns

The perfect Philly Fan moment -- with 7:33 left and up 20 points on a dead to the world Browns team, there's booing. The booing was for Kevin Kolb, who to be fair, deserved it, having thrown a TAINt and a number of battered balls.

Takeaways from the game were relatively few. Donovan McNabb was as sharp as he's been all year, except for the red zone. They didn't need that much from Brian Westbrook (16 for 53 on the ground, 3 for 14 in the air), which was nice, considering how much work he had last week against the Giants. Jason Avant had a career day, mostly because McNabb decided to throw it to him whether he was open or not.

The Browns are a terrible team with Brady Quinn or Derek Anderson; they are monumentally terrible with Ken Dorsey. The game was garbage time in the third quarter. The announcers didn't talk about the game for most of the last hour. It rained. The most interesting play might have been when Asante Samuel almost pulled a DeSean Jackson on his 50-yard TAINt.

You'd like to think there could be a better signature play for this roster, but they were clearly into the confetti bucket part of the program by this point. That, combined with the asinine DJ pick in the red zone, is all that the Reid Resign crew had to go on. (Don't get comfortable, Fat Man. I like you better in the dog house; you eat less.)

And none of it means a thing unless:

1) They win in Washington next week, and against Dallas at home the week after, and

2) The Falcons spit the bit in Minnesota next week, or the Bucs gag at home against the Chargers. (No, neither team is losing in Week 17 against the Rams and Raiders, respectively.) And with Minny missing half of its Williams Wall, that line just got a lot tighter.

But still, hard to be bitter about a drama-free 20-point win at home. They did what they had to do, no one got hurt, and if they had been sharp in the red zone and didn't give Kolb time, it would have been a 35-point win. Moving on.

If no one is hiring, you are retired

This just in from Los Angeles... according to a paparazzi who had the pleasure of photographing The Home Run Thing, Senor Bonds is not going to retire from MLB.

Um, Barry? If no one is employing you -- and why they'd do that now, as opposed to last year -- you can retire or not retire all you like. I'm not retiring from MLB either, and you, Dear Reader, also won't give up The Dream. Send us all some pension checks now, please.

Epic Drop: Top 11 Sports Fan Steps to the Dark Side

Tonight's link will make some of you nod your heads and say, "See, that's why I don't play fantasy sports. I'm not a sellout degenerate gambler like you are, Shooter."

At which point I'll congratulate you on your virtue, and hope like hell that I'll see you at a poker table. Soon.

(Insert E-Vile laugh here...)

The Natural Follow Up To The Cubs Urn

And good advice for all of us, really.

Never Escape

Proving that MLB will suck you dry in this world and the next, and continuing FTT's theme of finding the perfect holiday gift, consider the recent rise of MLB themed coffins and urns.

Sure, you're paying 20% more than the non-logo model to intern your loved one in the last and most symbolic act of never growing up. But can you really put a price on making sure that their remains spend the rest of non-biodegradable eternity in the loving embrace of Cub Fandom? If I were you, I'd go the extra mile and put a Fathead on the inside of the box or urn. That's the tasteful thing to do.

(And if you must know, yes, I'm going down in a Garment of Greatness. Why risk going nooky-less in the next world?)

Whoop De Damn Deals

Dammit, I hate missing out on the big sales at Christmas. Had I been local to Detroit, I could have saved up to 75% off at the Derrick Coleman Estate Sale, with warehouse savings on bedroom and dining room sets, furniture and accessories.

However, just as it was with Derrick's entire career, all sales are final, with no refunds or returns. I also bet that while everything looked good in the showroom, once you got the stuff home, it would just quit on you.

SNF Thoughts: Giants-Cowboys

For anyone that thinks the NFC East is still the best division in football... um, no. Not hardly.

Cowboy Fan has clearly turned on Terrible, even with the win tonight. It's so sad, really. And not at all surprising. Why he didn't go all the way into Powderkeg Mode and ascribe the Romo-Witten Conspiracy to racism, I'll never know.

Is there anything more tiresome than post-whistle pushing and shoving? Perhaps, and just perhaps, the sagelike observation from the mouth jobbers that These Teams Just Don't Like Each Other. They don't even exchange Christmas cards!

If you are an optimist for either team, you are liking the way your defense is playing. Dallas put Eli Manning on the ground 8 times tonight, and also held the NY ground game in check. The Giants made Marion Barber look bad all night, and Tashard Choice wasn't much better until the icing touchdown late. Any time you hold a home team to 7 points for three quarters, you've more than done the job.

But realistically, these teams are much easier to scheme for than they used to be. I was wrong to dismiss Plaxico Burress' importance to the Giants; it's becoming abundantly clear that his value as a decoy was much greater than his value in the box score. Without Brandon Jacobs to take the first quarter hits, Derrick Ward looks a lot more ordinary, and teams are overloading the line to stop the run, since they don't really have to worry too much about the big play threat from Domenik Hixon. The need to have more protection in the passing game has cut into the Kevin Boss output, and it's also led to a much harder time for them to make easy yards out of the screen game. They are a much less imposing #1 seed than they used to be, and if you want to argue for Carolina as the best team in the NFC right now, I won't hold it against you. (I also wouldn't agree, but clearly, my hatred for the Panthers as the team that I can never handicap correctly has made me unhinged.) Scoring 10 points in two weeks will do that to a team.

As for the Cowboys... big win and all, but all they did tonight was stay alive. They still have to play an angry and very physical Ravens team next week at home, and unless Barber gets much healthier very quickly, they aren't going to be able to run the ball in that game, either. Week 17 in Philadelphia looms as well, and the way the Eagles have played in the last two weeks, that's another game that's far from easy.

Oh, and Cowboys Fan? If you were fooled by the happy talk conference on the sidelines with Romo, Witten and Owens, I got sad news for you. Terrible did the same nonsense when the Eagles won after controversy, with him and McNabb pantomiming all over the sidelines in a song and dance tat was only a soft-shoe away from being a minstrel show. And just after NBC showed that, the Cowboys gave up a brutal sack and safety that made the game a lot more interesting than it had to be. With Terrible, controversy is always just a bad play away, and that's why he's the worst teammate ever, at least among guys that haven't actually assaulted their teammates.

So to wrap it up... everyone's doomed, and all hail our NFC South overlords. Of course, counting the Giants out early hasn't been such a winning strategy in the past...

Epic Drop: Top 11 utterly unsurprising NFL developments

Today's list is inspired by today's NFL viewing. Funny how that works, isn't it?

As for the actual games today...

1) Why Jeff Fisher doesn't try a 50-yard field goal with Rob Bironas, wind or no wind... and if that is the case, why the fourth down play is a long pass... and Bironas had hit all day... well, yeesh. Terrible way to lose the #1 seed.

2) The Titans also lost Albert Haynesworth today. If that's a long-term injury, the Titans just became one of the least imposing top two seeds in NFL history.

3) Independent of who you were rooting for in the Ravens-Steelers game, it's a crappy way to end a great game, for the refs to give a touchdown judgment on replays that really didn't look conclusive. I was waiting to see the Steelers go for it on fourth down for the win, or to kick the field goal and have the game go to overtime... and instead, it's another Ravens screwjob by the refs. Both teams deserved better.

4) Leon Washington, on a per-touch basis, might be the best player in the NFL this year. He's just electric.

5) If there's a worse quarterback in the history of the NFL than J.P. Losman, I haven't seen him. Yes, I know, Bobby Hoying? Chris Weinke? David Carr? Give me Loserman over all of those guys. Four turnovers in the fourth quarter.

6) The fact that the Chargers are still alive in the playoff race is utterly amazing to me. Seriously, the West divisions need to be collapsed and reshuffled. I'd be OK with East and West Conferences, with eight-team divisions, and if you win the division, that's a bye, and everything else is wild carding. Add the South to the West in each conference, and solve this whole problem. Gah.

7) Jim Zorn seems just a *little* out of his depth now, don't you think, Redskins Fan?

New York Minutes

So the Mets and Yankees have gone on their usual obscene spending spree at the MLB talent markets, taking on salary at a time when most teams are shedding it. And there is (relatively) no hue and outcry, mostly because:

1) The players they are getting are pitchers, and therefore more than a little suspect when it comes to delivering value for the money (A.J. Burnett is, just like Carl Pavano, an ex-Marlin...)

2) Both teams were irrelevant to the MLB postseason last year, and even with the talent infusion, are not a lead-pipe cinch to get there now

3) All of the players who have been bought come with caveats, some of them significant.

CC Sabathia is fat and hasn't done it in the playoffs; he also clearly didn't want to go to New York. Seven year contracts are also a strange new world of risk; one big injury and they are on the hook for years of hurt.

AJ Burnett has a career 3.81 ERA and an 87-76 won-loss record, and had his only good year in the AL was last year -- to wit, in his walk year. That's also the only year where he stayed healthy and threw over 200 innings. If everything goes well for the Yanks, he's the number four starter (behind Sabathia, Wang and Chamberlain), and works fine as that. But at $16 million a year for another five years (which means they are expecting him to still be viable at age 36), he's going to be untradable if he doesn't work out.

K-Rod has the single save season record, but he's also had reduced velocity in the second half of last season, and a checkered post-season career. JJ Putz, as my bitter fantasy team can attest, was far from effective last year, and relievers are like that.

Finally, there is this -- Sabathia's already left his original team, last year, when Milwaukee rented him. Burnett is joining his third team. Putz took a while to become dominant. Only Rodriguez is coming from a situation where he is deeply recognizable as attached to one franchise, and that franchise didn't choose to keep him. So this doesn't have the effect of, say, Jason Giambi getting ripped from his first franchise by the big money boys, or Manny Ramirez being auctioned off from his first team.

It may all seem unfair and an obvious system error to have such inequitable payrolls, especially in a time of austerity. But with luck, both NY teams will fail for other reasons (the Yankees have a surprisingly ordinary or worse offense, and the Mets are filled with, well, the Mets, who have a two-year run now of choking in September), and we'll all be able to pretend that payrolls don't dictate much of the merits of the teams. Much as we have, well, for the past 150 years...

No Mo Mo

Tonight in Philadelphia, the Sixers won Tony DiLeo's coaching debut, which isn't all that impressive, considering it was a home game against the Wizards. But it was still telling for the following points.

1) Sam Dalembert, who has been so bad that he was losing playing time left and right, played 33 minutes and pulled down 17 boards. In other words, he did what he's supposed to do.

2) Andre Miller took 4 shots in 38 minutes and had 12 assists to 2 turnovers. Again, what he's supposed to do.

3) By starting Willie Green at the 3 and getting good minutes out of Lou Williams, they had 37 points from the bench -- a plus six edge on the Wiz bench.

4) They shot 51.4% from the floor, mostly because they only took 12 shots from the three-point line -- always a good idea for this collection of talent.

5) They got to the line 35 times, and made 26. Compare that to the Wiz's 21, and that's a 12 point edge.

Add it all up, and it's a 15 point win where they were never in danger. It gets them to 10-14 for the year, and not very far at all from the top 8 in the conference, which is looking like another one of those .500 gets in moments.

Say this for Mo Cheeks; he's a remarkably decent man, and his rescue of the little girl during the Portland national anthem was one of the five best moments in the Association's history. He also is the best point guard in the history of the franchise, of course. But as a coach, there's no evidence that he got more out of his talent. It's also a matter of course that the new GM, Ed Stefanski, was going to make his own hire for the top spot.

Can they actually turn it around? Well, there are plenty of games left in the season, and making it into the top 8 shouldn't be impossible. On the other hand, it's very hard to imagine them having home court in the first round, or how they avoid Boston or Cleveland in the first round. It's also hard to see how that would win that series... and, well, DiLeo has never held a head coach job before. There's as much chance of them staying bad. But at least they made a move before it was too late.

Chop it down

Just because you've all been so good.

Silent Manny

Manny Ramirez is growing extremely upset about the lack of suitors for his services, so much so that he has told friends he would contemplate retirement if a suitable offer doesn't arrive soon, a person close to the situation told Newsday... Ramirez told a friend that he spends most of his time working out, watching cartoons and playing video games. (emphasis mine)

So let's review. We've got a guy who asked to be traded every three months on average in Boston, whose effort and team spirit were questionable at best. When he wants to, he mashes, but you'd have to be criminally negligent to not realize that he is what you think he is. The last contract of his baseball life if not going to provide exceptional value for the buck.

But all of that is beyond the point. What we all want to know, clearly, is what toonage and gamery the ManRam engages in. I'm thinking "Spongebob" and something with zombies, respectively, and every time he kills an opponent, he imagines the carcass to be a whitey ex-teammate. But your mileage, Dear Reader, may vary...

Monster Chiller Horror Basketball

The February 2009 NBA All-Star Saturday Night is coming to 160 screens in 80 theaters across America live in 3D HD, courtesy of a partnership between Turner Sports, the NBA and Cinedigm Digital Cinema. According to the companies, this marks the first time a sporting event has been simulcast live to theaters with audiences paying for admission. - Media Post

Um, all hail the new technology and I get that movie theaters are dying and we all need something to look forward to in the New Depression... but is anyone else feeling like they've seen this movie before?



Would you like some more... TURNOVERS??? They can be particularly frightening. (And yes, I'm clearly just bitter because my non-binocular Cyclops Vision doesn't pick up the 3-D movie thing. It's a long and pointless story.)

7-75 and Justice

Here's a fun thing to keep track of during the NBA season: will the stolen team that used to be the Seattle Supersonics set the new league record for utter futility?

With a 2-21 start to the season and precious few good players -- you've got Kevin Durant as the new empty calorie scoring source who doesn't make anyone better, Jeff Green as the reputed defensive ace who really can't shoot enough to deserve minutes, and Russell Westbrook, who has NBA quicks but a breathtakingly bad 37% shooting percentage. And those are the promising young players.

So they don't shoot it well. They also don't have handle it, with 15+ giveaways a game. They give points back at the free throw line. Their shot blocking is among the league's worst, and the home court advantage they were supposed to have from a rapturous crowd hasn't materialized either; 1-11 there, 1-10 on the road. They've fired the first coach and gotten no bump from that, either.

Now, realistically, they probably will pick it up a bit later, and get the eight wins they need in their last 59 games to avoid historic ineptitude. They've played more games than most other teams, which means they've had less practice time and more back to backs. In the second half of the season, they'll play more games that are out of it, and probably catch a few wins where they simply want it more than their opponents.

But they really are quite bad, and given their patronage and ownership, I'm going to be rooting for them to lose every game, and for Durant to leave skid marks on his way out of town after Year Three of his rookie contract.

It is, after all, only what they deserve.

Epic Drop: Top 12 signs that things are starting to deteriorate for Terrell Owens in Dallas

It just hurts so much to have to write a list like this, really. It's hard, so hard, to have predicted the exact thing that is happening in Dallas. Of course, given that it was pretty much the same thing that happened in Philadelphia and San Francisco, I didn't have to be Nostradamus here...

NFL Picks, Week 15: Anonymous and Mean

Hey, kids! Did you know that because I don't use my real name in this here blog -- mostly because, despite years of practice, I've never learned how to spell Nmandi Asomugha -- that makes me much more likely to write horrible personal attacks and crude, callous jokes?

It's all brutally, lamentably true. Damn the Internets! It puts my very soul at peril. That, and all of the safe and secure sports gambling that I recommend that you also engage in, since it's the only way to make the games worth watching, especially now that so very many of us are floating in the bowl in head-to-head fantasy leagues. It's to be expected when you build your team around year-long studs like Marion Barber and Drew Brees, rather than Week 14 heroes like Shaun Hill and Pierre Thomas. So nice to have months of hopes die at the hands of free agent refuse. That's just fun! Also, I'm drunk.

(And anyone that wants to point out that this is just payback to the gods of karma for that fabled Billy Volek to Drew Bennett Garbage To Gold Championship Year... well, in the words of the immortal Homer Simpson, "Stupid poetic justice.")


Cinder Block Wall Crushes Dudes Leg - Watch more free videos

The highly astute reader -- which is to say, every last one of you wonderful people -- will notice a new sharpness and relevance to the picks column this week. There are two reasons for this.

1) By managing to keep my head at 8-8 last week while others were losing theirs, I'm still up solidly for the year, with a chance of having my best year picking games well, ever. This is where a sportsbook really makes a fellow, well, glad to be alive. I heart the Internets!

2) The chance at being better than the Bad Tooth over at the World Wide Lemur means that I will have no choice but to take over his Web address, and then it'll be nothing but smug and self-serving conversations with my friends in public for money. Gentlemen, you've been warned. Suck up to me now, before I'm famous, living in Southern California, name-dropping for all that I'm worth and slowly ratcheting up the obnoxiousness until I've infected you all with it as well. I will now set myself on fire.

And with that... on to the FREE NFL Picks! (Lines provided by BetUs.com.)

* * * * *

New Orleans at CHICAGO (-3)

By this point in the season, we know the teams pretty well, and what we know here is pretty simple. The Saints just don't win on the road; their only wins this year outside of the Superdome were in Kansas City and their "home" game in London. Included in those road losses were foldos to the Redskins, Broncos, Panthers, Falcons and Bucs; an actually good team wins at least one of those games, and has much more than a Win Out and Get Help chance at the playoffs. For all of his weapons and numbers, Drew Brees isn't dominant; if he was, the Saints would have won in Tampa two weeks ago, wouldn't have crapped the bed against Minnesota on MNF two months ago, and would have given his team a better chance at winning in Denver than a long Olindo Mare miss.

As for the Da Bears, they can't stop the pass against good teams, don't have WRs that get consistent separation, and might have the lowest ceiling of any of the NFC North contenders. That doesn't mean they can't win the division, especially if Matt Forte continues to show no signs of hitting the rookie wall, and every sign of remaining the poor man's Brian Westbrook.

In moments like this, the line is educational: two even teams, so the three-point home-field advantage keeps it from being a pick-em game. My bedrock hate for Pierre Thomas, and the fact that Brees was just ordinary last week when I needed him most, is pushing me towards the home team, despite the fact that they might have more talent and match up well with this Bears club. It's also the point in the year when the weather can really change your picks, since cold and snow and a dome team never mix. But since the forecast is calling for a game in the mid 40s, I'm... still going with Chicago, because it's also supposed to be windy. Of such matters, fortunes are made.

Bears 24, Saints 20

GREEN BAY at Jacksonville (+1.5)

Lost in the rush to judge Aaron Rodgers is this simple fact about the Packers; the defense has turned into the new Bengals. That is to say, a big-play unit (7 touchdowns scored) that just gives up a ferocious amount of points (307), mostly because they just don't get to the quarterback enough (21 sacks) and have old corners that just aren't quick enough to make the gambles pay off enough anymore. This Packers team is going to be good next year if Ryan Grant and Rodgers stay healthy and they fix the secondary. There is just too much talent here for them to be below .500, and 13-3 was not a Saint Brett creation. But there's something to be said for the sudden and shocking fall from won-loss record grace here. They are a quitters December away from double-digit losses and a top 10 draft pick. (So there's something to be said for tanking, really.)

As for the hometown team in this shockingly irrelevant matchup -- seriously, you could have gotten some nice indie cred for making these two teams your Super Bowl picks in one of the lowest-rated games in recent history -- well, we all knew that David Garrard wasn't going to throw 3 picks in 325 attempts in 2008, the way he did in 2007. But did anyone have 10 in 436, and a statistical dead heat performance to his 2006 season, back when he was still fighting for the job with Byron Leftwich? I know the man is dealing with a terrible receiving core of knuckleheads and a banged-up offensive line, but he's still supposed to be better than this, and there's something Just Plain Wrong about the fact that Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones Drew aren't dynamite on dump-offs in the flat. This Jags' team quit weeks ago, and needs the cleansing power of fire. That, and they'll miss Matt Jones.

Packers 24, Jaguars 17

DETROIT at Indianapolis (-17.5)

Welcome to the most obvious suicide pick in the history of late-season suicide pools. You've got a comically inept franchise that will become the first 0-16 team in NFL history. They are on the road against a veteran Colts team that hasn't lost in months, always edges out terrible teams, and finally put up a big point blowout last week against the woeful Bengals. It's the only favorite of more than fourteen points that's on the board, and the other team that's favored by that much was absolutely dead in the water two weeks ago (that's Philadelphia in the MNF spot against Cleveland).

So why on earth am I expecting the Lions to cover?

Well, the Colts *still* aren't all that right. The Lions are by no means good, but in Kevin Smith and Calvin Johnson, they have two weapons that will be on this team when they are just ordinarily bad again. Seventeen points is a lot to cover for a team that hasn't had a breakout game from top wideout Reggie Wayne in forever, splits the carries to conserve #1 RB Joseph Addai, and will be taking every possible shortcut to getting some rest in the stretch run since they won't have a bye.

The way you destroy the Lions is how the Titans did it -- with a suffocating defense and a run until they quit, no mistakes offensive attack. Neither of those quite describe the Colts. Don't expect drama, but it also won't be utter comedy, either.

Colts 34, Lions 20

WASHINGTON (-7) at Cincinnati

If the Bengals just weren't such godforsaken quitters with an utterly hopeless QB, this would be a fine place to go for the upset. The 'Skins have to know they have nothing really left to play for, and with Clinton Portis and Jim Zorn getting into each other this week, it's Distraction Time in DC. The Bengals are actually much less awful against the pass, so if this one comes down to Jason Campbell throwing it all over the yard, a cover is not impossible; remember, they did that against the Jets and Cowboys earlier this year on the road, albeit with a less pathetic QB than Ryan Fitzpatrick under center. They also covered the line in the tie that we shall not speak of.

Despite a surprisingly early season burst, the denizens of the District are who we thought they were: a .500 or worse team, the clear #4 in the NFC East, with a talented but underachieving QB in Jason Campbell and an older first-time coach that seems to be in over his head. It took longer to get here then we might have anticipated, but we got here just the same.

Anyway, if the Bengals didn't already have their win for the year, and if they weren't all trying to get Marvin Lewis to never be hired in the NFL for any position ever again, I'd be tempted to go for the home dog. But that "are who we thought they were" thing goes both ways, and there's a reason why the home team has been outscored by sixty combined points in the last two weeks. (That reason is because they stink *and* they've quit. Magical combination, that.)

Redskins 27, Bengals 13

Tampa Bay at ATLANTA (-3)

Are the Panthers really as good as they looked on MNF? Did the Bucs just play a terrible game on defense? I'm inclined to think more of the former, just because it's December, they are tired, and what the Panthers did to them wasn't so much gaping holes as it was busted arm tackles. Getting beaten at the line on the road is bad enough, but when you can't close or finish in space, you're looking old, slow and in the way. And Atlanta might have better, or at the very least comparable, skill people.

Tampa probably will still make the playoffs; such is the power of a San Diego / Oakland home finish. But this game is looking a lot like what just happened to them last week, since they are on the road against a team with a live crowd, two solid running backs, and one WR that almost always gets his numbers despite being the only guy on the team you need to cover. Atlanta's defense isn't as good as Carolina's, but Matt Ryan is better than Jake Delhomme. Oh, and just because in the league where I have him, I was on a bye... count on Antonio Bryant to follow up on his 200 yards and 2 touchdowns game with 60 and zero. Some things, I just know.

Falcons 24, Buccaneers 16

SAN FRANCISCO (+6.5) at Miami

Oh, those frisky Niners! Mike Singletary probably locked up his 2009 contract extension last week with a surprisingly easy home win against the reeling Jets, and now he goes for the AFC East hat trick against a Dolphins team that probably had this one penciled in as a walkover a month ago. The line is inflated from the conventional wisdom of West Coast team travel woes, but that didn't stop the Niners in Buffalo two weeks ago, and I'm expecting another road cover, if not an out and out upset.

For the Dolphins, they continue to be relevant in playoff conversations by working out must wins against bad teams. But I can't help but think that they've already peaked for the year, back when they were the only team running the Wildcat formation. Ronnie Brown hasn't been nearly as electric as he was earlier in the year, and Chad Pennington is like a good middle reliever who is stretched to start games -- you can get away with it for a while, and maybe even ride a hot streak for half a year, but eventually, his lack of stuff is going to cost them. Probably not this week, though. Unless you've got them to cover.

Oh, and this just in... Dolphins LB Joey Porter continues his goal of being the least likable man in the NFL (now that Rodney Harrison is done) by standing up for Plaxico Burress and his need to illegally carry an unlicensed firearm. You see, athletes need their guns so, so much that they don't need to follow the same laws as everyone else. You might not to want to ask Joey for an autograph, unless you are wearing Kevlar.

Dolphins 24, Niners 20

Buffalo at NEW YORK JETS (-7)

Which team wants it least? Buffalo showed the good people of Toronto just how lucky they've got it with CFL ball in a snoozefest loss to the Dolphins that reminded everyone just how much they don't want to watch J.P. Losman. Oh, and the crowd was more or less neutral, with tons of vacationing Fish fans. Yay, karma! Meanwhile, the Jets continued their criminal neglect of an effective running game in a beatdown at the hands of the Niners in Candlestick. Oh well, at least no one in New York is going to make that Meadowland Super Bowl hype anymore.

In this game, you'd have to think that J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS Fan will take matters into his own hands and boo Saint Brett into morose check downs and handoffs. Or that head coach Eric Man E. Super Genius will finally wake up and realize that his offense needs to revolve around Thomas Jones and Leon Washington, especially when both of his WRs have utterly disappeared against weak defenses in the past two weeks. Jericho Cotchery is earning a place on my Never Own Again fantasy player list, along with Torry Holt, Reggie Wayne and Jeremy Shockey. On defense, the concern has to be stopping Marshawn Lynch, since those Lee Evans eruptions happen a lot less infrequently these days; if you are scared of Trent Edwards, it's only in comparison to Losman. The home team gets well and deluded here.

Packers 34, Bills 16

TENNESSEE (-3) at Houston

A highly interesting game for a 6-7 team that's doing a lot more than playing out the string. After a landmark win last week in Green Bay, the Texans are looking downright frisky, with the top 3 skill players of Slaton, Johnson and Schaub looking like keepers. Meanwhile, the Titans clinched the division last week, don't appear to be in terrible danger of losing the #1 seed, and could be poised for a road letdown game, especially if the Titans pull that I-AA Battled Red Catsuit thing again. Hence, the small line.

But what people are forgetting here is that the Texans' defense really isn't very good, which is going to make them stack the line to stop the Titan running attack... and when that happens, you give Kerry Collins all day to stretch the field and, maybe, find Justin Gage for a long one or two. They proved that they could win that way on the road in Chicago a month ago, and they'll do it again here. It will entertain few people, but the Texans will cover.

Titans 24. Texans 16

Pittsburgh at BALTIMORE (-2)

Grand Theft Football was committed last week at home for the Steelers, who rode a dominant second-half defense and the traditional December gift giving of Tony Romo to a tight win over Dallas. Now, they get the tough and tenacious second place team with ambition in Baltimore in their continuing saga to try to make the playoff schedule easier than the regular season.

For the Ravens, the only thing that seems to be capable of stopping them is their own offense. All of the points allowed in last week's mule kicking of Washington came off short fields than to offensive miscues. After the offense had made the game interesting, the team finally did what good teams do at home with a lead; ran it down the throat of the opponent with Lorenzo Neal blocking for LaRon McClain, and after a dozen or so of those plays, the play-action touchdown to Derrick Mason could have been executed by just about every quarterback in the league. Maybe coach John Harbaugh is keeping McClain fresh for the playoffs with his pointless use of team cancer Willis McGahee. Either that, or he's just giving the Steelers a lot of hope for this match-up.

The real problem for the road team here is that, well, the Ravens are *good* at rushing the quarterback, and against teams like that this year, the Steelers have done things like give up double-digit sack totals and had Big Ben been unable to finish the game. I'm not expecting a mirror replay of that game. Oh, wait... actually, I am. (Oh, and if there is any bet to make here with confidence, it's the under.)

Ravens 16, Steelers 13

DENVER (+7.5) at Carolina

How enthused are fantasy sports honks about owning a Carolina running back for this matchup? Denver has only recently gotten its D back in this column, and with Champ Bailey expected to provide some measure of help against Steve Smith, the onus will fall (as onuses always do) to Mssrs. Williams and Stewart, who merely combined for 300 yards and 4 touchdowns against a presumably good Buccaneer defense on MNF. Add that to Denver having to travel for the game and the peculiar desire on the part of all AFC West observers to insist that Dammit, The Chargers Aren't Out Of This Yet, and it's a growing consensus for the home team.

HOWEVAH, as Screaming A. Smith might say (look him up on the Internets, kids, he was a programming genius)... I'm going the other way here, despite the fact that Denver RB is right up there with Spinal Tap Drummer in terms of job security. You might have noticed in the game where Carolina was running like crazy that the Bucs, of all people, were moving the ball fairly well via the air. Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall are a lot better than Jeff Garcia and Antonio Bryant, and with Bailey giving the Broncos a chance to stack the line against the run, I'm liking the road dog cover here. Besides, teams coming off big MNF wins tend to struggle the next week, especially late in the season where recovery time is critical.

Panthers 27, Broncos 24

SAN DIEGO (-5.5) at Kansas City

Happy days are here again in LoCal, where a dominating win over the Raiders and the eternally amusing state of the Worst Division There Ever Was (unless, of course, you are an NFC West devotee) has the home team thinking that the Norv Stretch Drive is going to kick in any second now. The Chiefs continue to provide some value for roto players, but no one else, and while they historically own the Chargers at home, this isn't the run or lose team they've usually provided heartbreak to. If Turner wasn't Turner, he'd be giving many touches to Darren Sproles now and enjoying the actual burst. If Herm Edwards wasn't Herm Edwards, he'd be moving on from Larry Johnson with all possible speed. And if you've got serious confidence in either of these glue factories, you're a better gambler than me...

Chargers 28, Chiefs 21

SEATTLE (+3) at St. Louis

What would you rather watch than this game? My list includes surgery, telenovelas without transcripts, backyard wrestling and braying conservative jackass theatre as to how everything that's happening in the markets is the fault of the guy who doesn't even have the job yet. All of these things will provide more low comedy (and titty) than a game for fantasy players who clearly aren't still alive in their leagues, because the big Stephen Jackson Payoff that happens in this game will be countered by the previous ten-plus games of blinding sadness.

For the road 'Hawks, Seneca Wallace to Deion Branch scared the Patriots senseless last week, and they've got to be liking their chances against Marc Bulger, who has gone into full Bobby Hoying mode of turtling up against any defensive pressure. With Donnie Avery hitting the rookie wall and Torry Holt running as if he was dragging a wall behind him, I think I'd be looking for a comfy spot on the turf, too. The home crowd in St. Louis will make the Seahawks think it's a game played on a neutral site. Like, say, a warehouse.

Seahawks 20, Rams 10

Minnesota at ARIZONA (-3)

Curious game here. The Vikings need it more than the Cardinals, who have already wrapped up their trembly first round playoff loss by finally putting the NFC West out of its misery last week. But the Cardinals are better against the run than the pass, and teams that are traveling to the desert normally have problems, even when their quarterbacks aren't Gus Frerotte. The continuing mystery that is the Williams Wall Suspension could also swing this game large; at stake is whether Cardinals RB Tim Hightower will disappoint his fantasy owners or *really* disappoint them. Never has a rookie RB ran for so many touchdowns while breaking so many hearts; the man is making LemDale White sit up and take notice, at least until the rolls of fat make him collapse into the fetal position again.

I'm going with the home team here, mostly because I think Kurt Warner secretly wants another MVP award very badly. He's got to be smart enough to know that he's not going very far in the playoffs with that secondary, and that the next contract he signs will be his last. So look for 350 yards and 3 touchdowns as he pads his numbers against a Vikings defense that isn't as good as advertised.

Cardinals 34, Vikings 20

NEW ENGLAND (-7) at Oakland

Will this be the week that the Patriot Dream dies? Probably not, given just how awful the Raiders are despite games of actual production, but you know it's coming, just from their sudden lack of any kind of margin for error. Last week in Seattle, they were actually a fourth down conversion from the 2 away from a shocking loss to a Seahawk team that hasn't shown a pulse for weeks. It's not looking very good for them, but hell, it's the AFC East; someone not very good has to win it, them get stomped in the playoffs.

As for Oakland... um, what exactly do you say about a team that was supposed to be bad, and is, well, bad? Zach Miller seems to be a useful player. Johnnie Lee Higgins might be still drawing a paycheck in five years, and could be quite useful if he were in a place where the games mattered. Nmandi Asomugha has made me write his name enough times to get it done in only two minutes of cross-checking. They aren't as bad as other really bad teams. And until the owner is taken out and actual professional practices are used in the judging and training of football players, it's all exceptionally meaningless. No wonder Raider Fan is a whiskey drunk.

Patriots 27, Raiders 16

New York (+3) at DALLAS

Perhaps the most intriguing game of the week. The Cowboys have had more success than most against the Giants in the past few years, with Tony Romo throwing for big days and the defense not getting steamrolled by the Giants running game. Both starting quarterbacks have struggled in December, not that Giants Fan cares about such things anymore. Both teams have a big physical lead back who is coming in banged up. The only real difference here is that the Cowboys' Idiot WR is still on the field, while the Giants are spending their Plaxtime trying to get back the money he isn't earning after shooting himself accidentally. (I know, I know, it's still funny.) One also suspects that while they'd like home field throughout the playoffs, they aren't going to kill themselves over it, after winning the Super Bowl last year with repeat road wins.

Dallas needs the game more than the Giants, and has home field. They also could have easily won last week in Pittsburgh, which would have made their wildcard hopes a lot more realistic. They should get Marion Barber back, and I'm looking for him to run angry (which for Barber would make him damn near psychotic) as his answer to Jerry Jones questioning his toughness. Tashard Choice's good game in Pittsburgh might also give them the secondary punch they've been missing since Felix Jones went down, a surprisingly important injury for them. If LJ Smith was able to to do things to the Cowboys last week, count on Jason Witten doing more. And while the Giants will be better than they were last week, they are still down one good WR... and more importantly, also seem to be losing the effectiveness of their best LB in Antonio Pierce.

Cowboys 24, Giants 20

Cleveland at PHILADLPHIA (-14)

Andy Reid needs to resign! The reason why for this week is that he clearly overused Brian Westbrook in last week's beatdown against the Giants. 39 touches for the man he's always treated like a china doll was way too much, especially when you've got the two-headed monster of Lo Booker and Kyle Eckels just ready to go on the bench. Expect all of that to come back to haunt them against the Cromeos, who have Ken Dorsey throwing to Braylon Edwards, Steve Heiden and Donte Stallworth, when he's not handing it off to Jamal Lewis. This one has Trap Game written all over it...

And yes, I'm kidding, about everything but the Reid Resignation. Once you are under my bus, Fat Man, YOU STAY THERE.

Eagles 34, Browns 13

Last Week: 8-8

Year to date: 108-92-4

Epic Drop: Top 12 reasons the Arena Football League won't play in 2009

I'm certain that to some portion of the audience, The Day The Indoor War Died will be right up there with the Lennon assassination, the Challenger tragedy, 9/11 and that time when you found a five dollar bill on the street in terms of Memorable Days of Your Life.

Or, well, not.

Less football is generally not a good thing, but what the hell, maybe this will finally lead to the quality spring league, using real rules, that the market demands. Watching CFL rejects bounce off arena walls and netting... didn't really do it for me. Sorry.

Song for Rain

It's called "Your Ex-Lover Is Dead" and it works for rain only because the guitar strums reminds me of the Velvet Underground's "All Tomorrow Parties." Definitely something I should have written back in the All The Songs Are About The Dog phase.

Mets Take The Rod

A classic example today of how fans overvalue the winter meetings. The Mets have apparently signed record-setting reliever Francisco Rodriguez to a three-year, $37 million deal that has the snap reaction of making the team ten games better. It couldn't be simpler, right? A team with a dramatic late-inning weakness hires the best available pitcher. Everything's solved, right?

Well, no.

First off, setting a saves record just means that you were healthy, on a team that won a big mess of games by three runs or less. K-Rod had a ridiculous number of bunny saves last year. He also did it against a pretty terrible division, with an utter lack of meaningful games until the post-season; in that post-season, he was less than what the team needed. He also throws a slider that can't be good for the long-term health of his elbow, isn't a size that usually lasts well into his thirties, and lost a lot of velocity last year. He might still deliver value, but it's not like he's Mariano Rivera in his prime here. It's more like Billy Wagner II.

But give them credit; by adding 2008 K-Rod to the 2008 Mets, they're definitly going to win the division... in 2008. Sadly for them, the 2009 season isn't guaranteed to be the same.

Now, if the Mets want to add two or three more shutdown closers and really overwhelm the weakness... and Carlos Delgado decides that the second-half is his true performance level, rather than a Last Hurrah rush... and Carlos Beltran doesn't slide in his post-30 mode, and David Wright doesn't get hurt, and Jose Reyes goes back to improving his OBP, rather than trying to hit 30 home runs... well, they'll be good.

But let's not give them the division just yet, folks. After all, we have two years of utter failure down the stretch here, along with a reliever that hasn't exactly crowned himself in late-season glory. He makes them better, and will be a top five guy in fantasy, but fantasy isn't reality.

Epic Drop: Top 10 adjustments for the Cubs in the wake of the Tribune bankruptcy

Today's link comes from that eternal source of merriment, your Chicago Cubs. Only in America could a real estate bag man buy a huge media company by... borrowing money from the company that he was supposedly purchasing. But on the plus side, I'm fairly sure that he's going to lose money on the deal, too.

Profane, Obvious, and Fun

Just like my prom date. WHOA! BA DA BING!

The Retiring Kind

Greg Maddux shut it down today with 355 wins, and this will let loose with the obvious First Ballot Hall of Fame talk, along with the usual rattling of statistics. But I'd like to go a little more visceral than that, simply because the numbers will always be there for us, but the sense of what he was actually like won't.

Maddux personified intelligence and control. In an era where bigger was always better and more and more of the game seemed to be about getting a guy who could throw the ball in the high 90s as often as possible, Maddux was never that guy. Instead, he just worked the plate, fielded his position flawlessly, almost never missed a start and almost always limited the damage.

In his glory years, he might have been the best pitcher there ever was, at least in terms of control. Others were more dominant, especially Roger Clemens, but unlike the disgraced Rocket, Maddux never sold his sold or tainted his legacy with the juice.

The only real flaw to Maddux's game is his playoff record. His Braves teams were there every year, but there might be something to the idea that when the hitter treated the at-bat as if it were life and death, most of Maddux's freakish concentration advantage dissipated. He leaves with just one World Series ring; had that number been five or so, he might be leaving as not just a first-ballot Hall of Famer, but maybe with an argument as the best that was ever been.

For all of his accomplishments, Maddux added one more small but telling feature: he was, by all accounts, a great teammate. You don't wander MLB for the back third of his career, with stops back in Chicago, LA and San Diego, without being easy to get along. He also clearly didn't take himself too seriously, and that, more than anything else, probably contributed to the absurd number of Gold Glove awards. In an era of larger-than-life stars, Maddux looked and acted like a regular guy or better, despite the money, despite the numbers.

We will not see his like again. Oh, and he made a great ad, too.



(And if you really want to be the Grinch about it, you can just go for the idea that Mad Dog likes the long green, and with the recession killing any number of big dollar teams, he probably wasn't going to make it this year. If the man really wanted to get to 400, I think he could have. But there's something to be said for getting out on your own terms.)

Fraud Protection

OK, Jerry. Let's get this straight.

When your star running back has a problem in his foot, he's expected to make it back in nine days.

When his replacement goes for over 160 yards... it's the lack of Star RB for not playing in the game that you lost.

When your star quarterback has a problem in his pinkie, he doesn't make it back for four back-breaking weeks, but that's also OK. Just can't be helped.

The organization sets the team up with a broken-down old quarterback who can't, um, throw.

Rather than point out that the star quarterback might have been at fault for any of the multiple turnovers in a loss, it's the fault of the tight end that's been there for much longer than the quarterback. He must have run the wrong route.

And when your star WR has (yet another) public meltdown on the sidelines in the waning moments of a choke-tastic loss, that just means He Cares A Lot. (And Cowboy Fan? I'm fairly sure that you can convert those OWENS jersey to WILLIAMS at a minimal cost. You do have two of the letters already.)

You know, some part of me wants the Cowboys to actually pull out of this latest tailspin to set up a Win Or Go Home game in Philadelphia in Week 17, just so Eagle Nation has the chance to send this collection of crud home for the year for good.

But with a game against an angry Giants team next week, and a ruthlessly effective Ravens team the week after, I'm just not seeing them being in the running by then...

MNF Thoughts: Panthers-Bucs

Here is All You Need To Know about this game. The Panthers ran the ball 35 times for 301 yards, with an 8.6 yards per carry average. The Bucs came into this one having given up just one touchdown on the ground all year; now, they have *five*. Both of the Panthers running backs broke 100 yards, both looked great, and both benefited from some godawful tackling from what is supposed to be a good Bucs' defense.

With the win, the Panthers move to 10-3, within hailing distance of the #1 seed in the NFC, and the Lemur crew jumped on the home team with all of their usual decorum. I'm surprised they haven't declared them the best team in football yet. I'm still convinced that they aren't as good as their record, just because I think they can be well and truly schemed against with the not very good Jake Delhomme as the triggerman, but 10-3 is 10-3. They're good.

For the Bucs... well, they really shouldn't lose when they get a 200 yard 2 TD game from a wideout (tonight, that was Antonio Bryant, who made a downright ridiculous catch for the second touchdown), and score 23 points on the road. 23 points on the road is downright explosive for a team without any good RBs (I pine for Earnest Graham, not that he's probably any good either), but when you can't stop the run at all, it's not going to be pretty.

The Bucs can still, amazingly, win this division. Carolina has the much harder schedule coming down the stretch, and even Atlanta and New Orleans are still live. And for all of the gaudy records here, I'm still not shaking with fear at the idea that any of these teams are going to go deep in the playoffs. Maybe I just need to watch them all some more. Or see any of them look as good on the road as they do at home...

Redneck Recession Rut Roh

From today's Ad Age...

Once-unstoppable, Nascar is watching its fan base erode, TV ratings slip and marketers slam the brakes on sponsorships. CEO Brian France says Nascar's sponsorship revenue in 2009 will be flat. In comparison, sponsors spent $150 million more last year than the year before. France and others are fretting over whether the organization could actually lose money next year.

Of Nascar's 42 full-time drivers, 12 currently do not have primary sponsors for the 2009 season. That's a big problem, since at least 75% of Nascar's budget comes from sponsors. Top sponsors pay $18 million to $20 million to be featured on a driver's car for all 38 races.

As for advertising, advertisers spent about $539 million on TV ads surrounding Nascar programming this year, down from about $567 million in 2007. This year also marks the third consecutive season that the sport has suffered from declining TV ratings.

Going to have to move more Thomas Kinkade paintings, y'all...

The Audacity of Green Hope

First and foremost, let's get the formalities out of the way. Andy Reid needs to resign. Clearly, the team is far too good to be just 7-5-1.

Now, having said that... here's the really scary part of the last two weeks.

Donovan McNabb (shh!) hasn't really played all that well. What has happened instead is that Brian Westbrook has gotten healthy, and the play calling has (finally?) gotten sane. Instead of trying to force big plays to DeSean Jackson, they've gone with much easier throws in the flat. Hell, against the Giants, there was even a positive game for LJ Smith. McNabb made some nice plays on third down, especially with his feet, but it's not like they were exposing him to 25 yard crossing routes.

This is, of course, all for the best. When your most physical receiver is either Jason Avant or Hank Baskett, relying on timing routes down the middle of the field is a good way to get your INT-averse QB to lose his way. The fools' gold that is big play drives (and an erratic offense, and a bad time of possession, which really isn't helpful for a small speed defense).

Finally, one last point about the offense. Nick Cole came in for this game to replace the injured Max Jean-Gilles. I don't mean to speak ill of the departed, and it's an odd thing to think that being on your third guard of the year might be a positive. But the simple fact is that they are getting push now, and they weren't before... and it's not as if they are suffering in pass protection. Heck, maybe it's even a plus because with Cole in, they are just more interested in calling running plays. I'll take it, however we get there.

Now, as to the defense... note that Omar Geither was shown the bench for the Cardinals game for Akeem Jordan, and that Joselio Hanson and Quentin Demps were getting some serious playing time against the Giants, rather than Lito Sheppard. In both cases, the team has gone for production over a name and/or pedigree.

Now, we can wonder why this didn't happen weeks and/or months ago. We can even chastise the regime for its stultifying sense of loyalty, and point out that if either of these changes had been made, maybe they add a game or more to their win total.

Or you can look at the changes as being a real and tangible reason for better play, and keys to a sudden and shocking resurgence into a Top 5 NFL team.

Very good time to go out on top, Fat Man.

Epic Drop: Top 12 signs your NFL color analyst is a loose cannon

Today's list is inspired by the Five Tool Ninja, who has heard people complain about the Prevent Defense That Prevents You From Winning just *one* too many times. He's got a point -- if it's such a god-awful idea, why does every single NFL team do it? They might just know more than, say, Emmitt Smith. Then again, so might the fish in my aquarium...

A few questions for NFL advertisers

> When Roger Ebert calls a movie "the best in the 'Mummy' series", do you suspect that he was being less than straight forward?

> Why does the only African American Packer fan bleed paint?

> I understand that NFL game coverage has a contractual obligation to show fans dressed in costume, but why do they need to be in commercials now?

> How much gold does Beyonce Knowles have to suck until she overcomes her self-esteem issues?

> What was the Jane Seymour media buyer high on?

> Did anyone else miss, kind of in a "Stockholm Syndrome" way, the Toyota "Save By Zero" and DirecTV "Chevy Chase" ads today, and do you think their absence has anything to do with the Eagles' resurgence?

> Do people really buy cars if they have different colored tags on them, if Denis Leary does some of his usual schtick, if it's got a big bow on it, or if it's being compared to some noxious childhood memory?

> Has anyone ever made a purchase decision based on which company has provided the blimp coverage?

> Does the NFL Network only broadcast on phones?

> Has anyone ever bought their own electric razor, or have they all been gifts?

Dumb Marketing

End of the weekend, time for The Truth to pay some bills. Go to DirecTV to find out what I owe and am presented with an ad for the all new NFL remotes. Ok, decent idea for the crazy NFL fan. Not sure I'd shell out 30 bones for a remote that doesn't do much more than my regular remote (from what I can tell it has a new light in the dark feature so I can see the buttons from the pitch black of the man cave). 30 bucks to have my team's logo in the middle of the remote. Whatever.

But two funny things caught my attention. On the first part of the offer in the upper right corner (you can click the photo on the top of this blog for a larger screen shot) it has a callout for "The Perfect Holiday Gift." Sure, I can see that - trying to find something perfect for that face painting, live and die for my favorite team NFL fan. However, when you click through that first page and get to the second page (shown on the left - again click for larger view) the last bullet reads "Please allow 4-6 weeks for delivery." Unless the holiday they are referring to is MLK observance, you're out of luck.

But my favorite part of the features is the second part of this next line. "Each remote sports the colors and logo of an NFL team — plus, on the back, you get the team’s championship stats."

So if I'm a Saints fan, I'm looking at the back of a blank remote. Maybe it lists the the Super Bowl stats of those games played at the Super Dome. I don't know. And if you're remote is for a team like the 49'ers or Steelers - do you need a magnifying glass to read it?

Dumb marketing for dumb people.

Epic Drop: Top 10 amazing but true NFL facts

Today's link is your usual hodgepodge of NFL goodness, made palatable from the Eagles win, and less palatable from the fantasy loss. Oh well. At least the other two leagues are still live and possible...

Fantasy Hell #1

My good Work League Team went down to ignoble defeat today. It was just Not Meant To Be. Drew Brees betrayed me by giving the damned ball to Pierre Thomas. Reggie Wayne continued to be the best-regarded empty threat in fantasy play this year; I'd have been better off starting #3 WR Anthony Gonzalez instead of him today. Greg Jennings, one of the best five WRs in football, made all of one big play today. Whoop de damn do. Derrick Ward took advantage of the Brandon Jacobs injury to have one of his worst games of the year, along with the rest of the Giants. Marion Barber can no longer be considered tough. Even on the little moments, I got screwed. The Saints chose to go for two with a quarter to play and up five, rather than give me the extra point from kicker du jour Garret Hartley. Irritating. If not for Steve Slaton, I'd have saved myself four hours of very limited suspense.

But realistically, I knew I was hosed as soon as Pierre Freaking Thomas scored. He wound up with 25 points today, and that was, oh, about 20 more than I was hoping for. The coup de grace came when Shaun Hill swung a ball in the flat to Frank Gore just before the half in the Jets-Niners game; that was, as they say, all she wrote.

Oh well. It's not like the Shooter Kids *need* any more toys. Or heat in the house. Put on more layers, you parasites!

Eagles-Giants: I Am Not Alone In My Disbelief

Just to be clear on this.. I still want Andy Reid to resign. Because ever since I threw the Biggest Loser under the bus, the Eagles are 2-0 with utter domination performances against two teams that are going to the playoffs, and have played their best two games of the season (assuming that you don't count the Rams game, and you really shouldn't).

How crazy good were the Eagles today? The final score could have easily been 26-0, on the road. It was 20-14 only on the second blocked field goal for a touchdown this year and a garbage time touchdown. Thanks to that garbage time drive, Eli Manning was able to post 13 for 27 for 123 and a touchdown; before that drive, it was more like 7 for 20 and 60 yards, though to be fair, he got absolutely no help from his receivers today. Dominik Hixson made every Giants fan think that the Plaxico Problem is going to be serious with a dropped deep ball that could have been six. Steve Smith made a bad drop on a third down play. Amani Toomer didn't have a catch before garbage time.

And that wasn't all. Antonio Pierce looked like a man who was just a wee bit distracted by life on two different Brian Westbrook touchdowns. Derrick Ward put a ball on the ground. Ahmad Bradshaw didn't do much, either. The Eagles just punched the Giants in the mouth with a repeated and effective running game; they even gave the ball to their best player, the suddenly hale Westbrook, 39 times (33 caries for 131, 6 catches for 72). Good grief. It was like they were well-coached or something.

Seriously, the best play for the Giants today was when the Eagles lined up for a field goal; that got them their only points, along with a morale-inspiring block.

For the road team, with the exception of David Akers -- and even he connected from 50+ today to give them the first lead of the day -- no one looked bad. They even covered tight end Kevin Boss very well today. Seriously, I have no idea who these guys wearing the laundry are; they bear almost no resemblance to the team that showed up the first twelve weeks.

And suddenly, it doesn't look too impossible for the team to make the playoffs. The Saints took out the Falcons, and the Eagles have the head-to-head matchup win there. Dallas and Washington are both underdogs in their late games today. The TB-Carolina loser will fall a game closer. They could be, at the end of the weekend, in the 8 spot with a game against the Cowboys at home still to play; all they'd need from there is a little more help from the NFC South to take the sixth spot, which would get them a road game against... the same Cardinals team that they obliterated on Thanksgiving.

Nice time to walk away, Andy. Think it over.

Wrap Both Hands Around His Throat...

Best official statement from an athletic director ever:

If he indicates he wants to interview with another institution, I will wrap both hands around his throat and throttle him until he agrees to coach at East Carolina for the rest of his life.

(via)

We Still Own The Mets

A few choice quotes from Mets' chief operating officer Jeff Wilpon about the fact that you, me, and the rest of our fellow taxpayers will be paying the Mets $20 million a year for the right to name their new stadium after Citibank.

(If you came in late, the Saudi scumbags who can't make money running a credit card company -- no, really -- are going to pull in $45 billion of our money to not fail and cause a greater financial crisis. But they can't, ahem, get out of the Mets' stadium deal. Nice.)

“The company is still an ongoing company and a vital company that is doing business around the globe. The taxpayers are backstopping what’s going on in the global economy. It’s not really Citi’s fault that they’re in this problem... We have a deal with Citi that is good for them, good for us...I understand where they’re coming from. I understand that there’s some upset-ness in the marketplace. But we don’t agree with it.”

I see Wilpon's point.

And if someone wants to kill Wilpon with their bare hands for his jaw-dropping arrogance and standard rich guy obliviousness to public outrage over indirectly subsidizing his profitable business during an economic meltdown... well, I understand where they're coming from.

But I don't agree with it.

I mean, he's probably got a pretty damned thick neck. Using a gun would be easier.

Epic Drop: Top 12 signs that the NHL is not a major league

Tonight's post is, frankly, a test of the Emergency Cheap Canadian Heat system, along with seeing if I can get the hockey fans who read the site (yes, both of you!) to flame me in the comments. I'm not sure that I went far enough, really: most NHL fans will agree with you that Gary Bettman is the hockey equivalent of a 9/11 bomber in terms of helpfulness, and if they aren't wincing at some of these nicknames, they just aren't being honest with themselves. But your mileage may vary, and you might have been worked up into a good mark frothing fury here. In that case, I will take your scorn with my usual Rowdy Roddy grace, and close by saying that you are watching soccer on skates. SOCCER.

Week 14 NFL Picks: Gosh! So Unpredictable!

Last Sunday, every home team lost, causing any number of NFL commentators (well, OK, Al Michaels, but that's enough) to talk about how, holy moley, no one knows anything! Home teams like the Raiders and Rams lost! Rue and calamity! How do they keep the sportsbooks open, for heaven's sake?

In short, um, whatever, and please STFU, which should be your default for such things anyway, right? In the picks, I went 7-9, so I'm not going to complain too much about the unpredictability of it all, really. We're 16 games over .500 for the year, paying the rent, and ready to move into the final stretch where it helps very much to know which teams have quit (hello, Jaguars!), whether a quitting team will start trying again, and whenever possible, giving the love to the truly dominant teams that don't get enough spread respect (that'd be the Giants, Titans and Ravens, who very well might be the three best teams in football... and the sad part is how it's really just #1 and whatever).

And with that, on with the picks!

* * * * *

OAKLAND at San Diego (-9.5)

Yet another terrible Thursday night game, brought to you by the people who really need to be stopped. This one features two teams from a breathtakingly awful division, both of whom have made the jaw-dropping mistake of employing Norv Turner to be their coach. The Raiders, at least, don't do that any more, and despite the usual insanity from the front office, seem to have gotten what they should out of their talent level: they are, of course, horrible. The Chargers are said to be a talented team, but I'm not really buying that anymore: talented teams can rush the passer, start a RB with a burst (no, that's so not LaDanian anymore -- he'll be out of the league in 2-3 years), and have a much better #1 WR than Chris Chambers. And if you don't believe me on the last one, look at the won-loss record of teams that have employed Chris Chambers to be, well, a #1 wideout.

The home team will win this game, but it will be ugly in the stands (LA Raider Fan is scary, and Charger Fan doesn't really care enough to keep the seat right about now) and on the field, which makes me think... road cover. Oh, and if you're still holding out hope that Tomlinson will do something, just because he's historically owned the Raiders, consider that he's ran against terrible run defenses for the past month, and hasn't cracked 3.5 yards a pop.

Chargers 24, Raiders 17

Jacksonville at CHICAGO (-6.5)

Hoo, doggie, have the Jaguars ever quit. That MNF game was downright embarrassing, and now they have to go on the road to face an angry Bears team that is still alive in the NFC North "race". Jacksonville isn't a good matchup for this Bears team under the best of times, since you beat them via the pass and usually can't run on them, especially at home. Meanwhile, Matt Forte will continue to just run up an ungodly amount of points for his fantasy owners. To think, you'd have two top 10 backs in the fifth round or much later, had you just gone for Forte early, and Steve Slaton late. This could get ugly.

Bears 31, Jaguars 13

MINNESOTA (+9.5) at Detroit

Some people think this will be the week for the Lions, who know plenty about this Vikings team, will have the home field "advantage", and could take advantage of Gus Frerotte to stay relevant in the game. They also have a couple of extra days to prepare after the Thanksgiving day massacre, and the Vikings could be looking at a letdown after that dominating performance against Chicago -- a performance that could have easily gone the other way, had Matt Forte simply got in from the one, leading to a 99-yard bomb to Bernard Berrian that more or less ended things. Finally, the longest suspension in the history of the NFL came down this week, with the the Vikings Wall Of Williams coming down, leading to a sudden inability to stop the run up the middle. Or so the theory goes.

All of this, however, is overstating two very central truths. First, the Vikings need the game, and are on a quiet little roll that's making them start to look like an honest to goodness playoff team (albeit a very possible first round home loser). Second, the Titans ran the ball for 500 yards or so against the Lions last week, and neither of their backs is Adrian Peterson. (Oh, and his back-up is pretty good, too.) Third, the short-term motivation boost to the Vikings is going to be huge; they are going to be pissed off over losing their studs, and it won't be fatal to them until later (like, say, the week after in Arizona, and overwhelmingly in Weeks 16 and 17 for Atlanta and the Giants, though the Giants probably won't be playing for anything).

Vikings 31, Lions 16

HOUSTON at Green Bay (-6.0)

Two teams that I just keep picking, regardless of the results, in a game that only the weather will keep from breaking 50 combined points. The Texans get back Matt Schaub and have a fully operational Steve Slaton. The Packers keep losing close games that they absolutely have to have, and suddenly seem to want to split the carries from Ryan Grant and Brandon Jackson. I don't trust either of these defenses to do more than make a pick or two, and the Packers have returned a bunch of these for scores this year... but I'm not seeing this as a cover moment. (Oh, and if this game winds up happening in snow, I'm really going to regret taking the Texans to cover.)

Packers 34, Texans 31

Cleveland at TENNESSEE (-13.5)

I can't take this line fast enough. Cleveland is going to be starting Ken Dorsey -- Ken Dorsey! -- on the road against a vociferous defense, against a team that's just going to run the ball and grind them into paste. I wouldn't be surprised if the Titans' defense covers the spread by themselves in this game, and I can't see the Browns scoring more than 10 points. Heck, I'd take even money for a shutout. The only real danger for the Titans is making a big mistake early and giving the Browns the sense that they can actually play with this team. They can't, they won't, and you're going to be very happy to have laid the points well before halftime.

Titans 27, Browns 3

Cincinnati at INDIANAPOLIS (-13.5)

Waiting for the Colts to finally be, well, the Colts this year has been a long and frustrating drag. Week after week, they seem to have a perfect punching bag match-up in which to look like their old selves... and then they run into bad weather or a hurt Jeff Saturday, and yet they don't lose. They just fail to cover, fail to inspire, fail to look like the truly dangerous wild-card monster that plays their best football late in the year.

And yet, well, here they are again, against a Bengals team that actually played Jordan Palmer some last week, starts Cedric Benson at running back, has one win on the year with that infamous tie, and looks for all the world like a team that's going to lose by 20 points this week.

They will, of course, cover. But only because I'm still lighting a candle in the window for my fantasy Colts.

Colts 34, Bengals 16

ATLANTA at NEW ORLEANS (-3.0)

The Falcons just keep winning games, getting closer and closer to that wild-card berth (and, um, they still aren't out of it in the South, either) that absolutely no one saw coming, and winning over the one-time Vick Or Nothing fans of Peachtown. They go to New Orleans to visit the extraordinarily frustrating Saints, who saw non-MVP Drew Brees throw for just under 300 yards on the road in Tampa Bay last week, but also spit the bit with two late picks that led directly to a 3-point loss to the hometown Bucs.

This was a complete coin flip of a game to me; the Saints have a definite home field edge, haven't dropped two games in a row all year, and should score a great deal of points. But the Falcons just keep winning, they've got two running backs that should add up to 150 yards on the fast Superdome turf, and I'm tired of going to the river against these guys. It's their year. Oh, and the Saints losing two defensive ends to the diuretic suspension this week also doesn't help matters for them.

Falcons 31, Saints 24

Philadelphia at GIANTS (-7.0)

If you are an Eagles fatalist -- which is to say right about now, an Eagles fan -- there's really no good way this game can go down. If you somehow win, it's great, but it's still probably not enough to get you into a wildcard, and between their above-average won-loss record and the shockingly dumb Panthers trade (yes, we could have the Titans' Chris Johnson with that pick, or perhaps a healthy Felix Jones), their draft will suck. If you lose, the season's over and we're into the Meaningless Games Portion of the program, and there's really nothing very appealing about that, either. This isn't a good enough organization that you really want to see the back-ups, folks.

For the Giants, it's another week to execute a bloodless killing of a desperate division rival. Maybe this is the week that they actually miss Burress, who has historically owned the Eagles. Perhaps Plax will bring down Antonio Pierce, which could really start to impact them in coverage. Eli has a history of weak December performances, some of them at home; it wasn't so long ago that he was throwing multiple touchdown passes to the Vikings in a start that looked like the end of the Coughlin regime. If Brandon Jacobs is banged up, along with Ahmad Bradshaw, then Derrick Ward starts to look ordinary. Brian Westbrook went crazy Broadway-style last week, and got an extra two days of rest after that. There is Hope.

And the Giants are very, very good at crushing that.

Giants 27, Eagles 17

Kansas City at DENVER (-9.0)

Who can figure out this awful division? Denver earned back it's D last week with a startling win in New York against the Jets. The Chiefs bounced back from somehow giving up 50+ points to the Bills at home to holding a road opponent (OK, it was the Raiders) to 13. At least we now know who is going to go to the playoffs from this collection of turds, and maybe they'll finally start to get on a little bit of a roll, especially with Patrick Hillis giving the Denver running attack a pulse.

Tyler Thigpen will rack up some yards (were you aware that he's ran for more yards than any other QB in the league this year? Why, yes, nearly all of the black QBs *did* lose their jobs!) and numbers in this one, but Kansas City isn't very good at ball control, and the only thing that should stop Jay Cutler in this game is if he makes the ball slippery with his drool. It also doesn't hurt at all that the home team might be getting back Champ Bailey, which will give them an infinite increase in good cornerbacks. (Going from zero to one is, after all, an infinite increase.)

Broncos 30, Chiefs 20

MIAMI at Buffalo Not Really (NL)

The game is in Toronto, which means this entry has extra u's in the words and exchanges for more than the American version. Take off, eh?

The Dolphins keep winning games against terrible teams. The Bills are more or less impossible to predict, with wins and losses seemingly coming at random; I'm not sure just how you lose to the Niners at home, especially since the Niners were going against that Unfathomably Deadly West Coast team at 1pm EST thing. But it becomes a little more understandable when you dig into the box score of that game, where Trent Edwards left with a groin injury and did not return, leaving the game in the less than capable hands of JP Losman.

I'm going with the Fish despite the difficulty of going north in December under the understanding that Buffalo will be saddled with Los(er)man; if Edwards is back, I'd probably go with the Bills, who are suddenly getting a lot out of Marshawn Lynch. But the Fish are crafty, have a pretty good running game of their own, and just seem to have more going for them right now. Besides, the Bills deserve to lose for this insult to their real fans.

Dolphins 24, Bills 21

NY JETS at San Francisco (+4.0)

Last week in New York, the Jets were down a touchdown to the Broncos after Thomas Jones scored his second touchdown of the day on a 29-yard burst where the RB rolled over a defender, avoided touching a knee or elbow on the turf, then went to the end zone as the Broncos decided against any more effort on the play. At the time, the Jets were averaging 9.9 yards per carry on a day where cold rain was pouring down sideways, thanks to a strong wind.

Now, here's a fun question. How many, of the next 25 offensive plays for the Jets, were runs?

Let's see, horrible weather, wild success running with a main back that's been dynamite for the last six weeks. The back-up, Leon Washington, has been providing big plays in very limited touches. The opponent is bad at stopping the run. The weather favors, strongly, running the ball. Your QB, while having a good year, has still thrown more picks than anyone else in the history of professional football.

And the answer is... four! Four, four, four runs against 21 passes.

And it got sillier than that. On multiple fourth-down calls in the second half, Jets head coach and offensive coordinator Eric Mangini kept throw, throw, throwing, despite the fact that it didn't work once. Meanwhile, the Broncos kept, um, running the ball, and quite effectively too, with Patrick Hillis having a career day despite the presence of Kris Jenkins and what had been a very stout Jets run defense.

Honestly, I have no idea what Mangini was thinking, but I'm assuming he'll learn something from this. Or, at least, that his defense will do better against Shaun Hill, who is, well, no Jay Cutler. Of course, if this winds up being a mud slop Candlestick game... Mangini will throw it every down. The man makes Andy Reid look sane.

Anyhoo... I have no idea why the line is so low, other than New Yorkers might just hate themselves and are convinced that the Jets are going to spit the bit. Vegas needs to remind themselves that the Niners are starting Hill, and that he's a turnover machine. It'll remind Saint Brett of when he was well, himself.

Jets 24, Niners 17

NEW ENGLAND at Seattle (+4.5)

Oh, what a difference a week makes. Seven days ago, Matt Cassel was a home favorite against the Steelers, cheaper, younger and healthier than Dreamboat Brady, and coming off consecutive 400-yard passing days. Now, he's a tarnished non-star who can't even command a touchdown preference over a terrible, terrible Seahawks team that's making Seattle Fan look forward to WNBA season. (Seriously, they are.)

Seattle comes off an evisceration in Dallas on Thanksgiving that is said to have made Mike Holmgren cry. No, really. You see, there are just four more games left for the increasingly unhinged -- look at those tusks grind! -- overrated non-legend before he's pushed out onto an ice flow. And that's a darn shame right about now, because with global warming and the relatively early season that's happening in the Northwest, Mike doesn't stand a chance. Swim, Mike, swim!

Patriots 27, Seahawks 21

St. Louis at ARIZONA (-14.0)

Kurt and Brenda Warner Will Be Avenged! And with significant scoring, much to the delight of his fat and happy fantasy owners. Expect a big bounce-back game from Anquan Boldin, who might have played the worst game of his life in Philadelphia on Thanksgiving day, and some nice vulture moments from disappointing starting running back Tim Hightower.

For the Rams... no, I'm sorry, you can't pay me enough to talk about the Rams. Torry Holt is ancient and sad, their quarterbacks are awful, their lines aren't very good, and if Stephen Jackson and Donnie Avery aren't on their games, they don't have a single offensive player that you'd want anywhere near your team. The Cardinals are going to enjoy this game.

Cardinals 41, Rams 16

Dallas at PITTSBURGH (-3.0)

Truly the best game of the week, and why this isn't the SNF game, I'll never know. Dallas should be able to put pressure on the QB. Pittsburgh should be able to make Dallas one-dimensional, even if that dimension is Marion Barber; he's got a 15 carry for 40 yards day staring him down, and that's assuming his foot is OK. The Cowboys should be able to score some points through the air, as Ike Taylor has looked susceptible in coverage, and Tony Romo has a knack for extending the play. Pittsburgh should be able to keep the chains moving on the ground, and could truly exploit the secondary.

Dallas needs the game more, but Pittsburgh is dreaming of the #2 seed and that crucial first-round bye, so that's really not a factor, either. The Cowboys get back Adam "Mister" Jones, which is probably a push; he's talented and helps their depth, but he's also a distraction and hasn't really played well at all in a Cowboy uniform.

It will come down to which team doesn't make the big mistake, and the home crowd will help matters there. I'm also really hating the 3 point spread here, as it's looking like a pure push to me. So... give me the home team. Barely. This should be a classic.

Steelers 28, Dallas 24

Washington at BALTIMORE (-5.0)

The SNF game looks like a bit of a squash to me, as the Ravens are just tough and with a real play-making defense, while the Skins are increasingly beat-up and don't make big plays on defense. I also think that I trust Joe Flacco more than I do Jason Campbell, especially at home, even though these teams are close enough that there should be rampant cross-pollination in the stands. (Of course, since Redskins Fan couldn't keep his stadium in check from the Steeler Nation, it's not like he's really going to make his voice heard against the Purple Flock.)

Give me the Ravens in a surprisingly easy one. It's taken a while this year, but the 'Skins are what we thought they were... a borderline .500 team that won't be in the playoffs.

Ravens 24, Redskins 13

TAMPA BAY at Carolina (-3.0)

A MNF game that matters, but won't be pretty. Tampa comes in with an impressive defensive win at home over the Saints. The Panthers got what could have been their best win of the year in Green Bay, as they lost a second-half lead but then came back to clinch it late, with do-everything WR Steve Smith making the huge plays to set up the win.

The smart thing to do when NFC South teams play each other is just close your eyes and take the home team; these are teams that just don't travel well. It's also truly stomach-churning to take Jeff Garcia on the road, especially when his running game is in a state of flux. But I'm down on this Panthers team, and will be for at least one more week, as the two-headed running attack is now down to one... and Jake Delhomme against this Bucs defense doesn't inspire. It won't be pretty.

Bucs 16, Panthers 14

Last week: 7-9

Year to date: 100-84-4

Epic Drop: Top 10 new sports words of 2008

Because nothing makes the kids happier than a little college poon mixed in with some linguistic humor. That's why I'm one of the least popular sports bloggers in Blogfrica!

One small question in re L'Affaire du Plax

I’m my own worst enemy. The things that have happened to me, I have no one to blame but myself. That’s what makes Plaxico Burress Plaxico Burress. - Guess Who, a month ago on Fox

1) The cops have the gun that he used to shoot himself.

2) They have pretty conclusive evidence that the gun was fired. It's right over there, in the suspect's freaking *leg*.

3) There are witnesses as to when the gun was fired.

4) The gun is unlicensed.

5) It was also concealed, or at least it was before the suspect shot himself.

6) All of these things are as close to incontrovertible proof as you are going to get in this world.

7) Some of these things are clear and obvious violations of the law, and the suspect has been charged accordingly.

So, um... and realizing that I am not a multi-millionaire, and therefor not familiar with the quality of justice or legal counsel that such people receive...

Under what grounds is he pleading not guilty again?

Ladies and gentlemen, start your NYPD Is Racist Conspiracy Theories!

The Angel With Balls, In Her More Natural Habitat

Aka (Leslie) Feist, who appears in the Colbert special, performing the great song "Intuition." Can't get enough of this today, especially the call and response at the end.

Epic Drop: Top 13 things Drew Rosenhaus will not comment on

Oh, Drew. You had me at "Next Question!"

But seriously, folks... what a debt we all owe to the Bush Administration. Now, anytime that you are confronted with a question that you would rather not answer, you can just trot out the Ongoing Criminal Investigation defense. It works every time! Try it the next time you find the wrong hole. Or wake up in the wrong place. Or... well, let's just stop right there, while I've still got advertisers. (Sweet, sweet advertisers.)

Numchuk Ping Pong

Yes, that is Bruce Lee, and yes, he is still much, much cooler than you. And me, and anyone else who's alive...

Why Andy Reid Eats

THE MEAT IS TALKING TO HIM. MUST.... STOP..... THE MEAT.....

My Christmas is Strange But Affordable

Because you've all been very good little boys and girls, I've decided to share a Shooter Family Holiday Tradition with you. It's soon to be a major television event!

* * * * *

Once upon a recent time, the Weasels that live at the North Pole got very jealous.

"Reindeer get to pull sleigh," they squealed. "Elves get to make toys. Why can't us Weasels get to do anything?"

Then one Weasel got a big idea. "We'll make dolls for the kids!" she squeaked.

Santa pointed out that the elves already make dolls.

And that Weasels don't have opposable thumbs.

But the Weasels would not take "Um, that's probably not a good idea" for an answer.

And so, they fashioned crude dolls out of the finest material they had.

Which was dryer lint.

Since Santa didn't approve of the dryer lint dolls, the Weasels had to get the dolls to the kids on their own.

So the Weasels sneak into children's houses on Christmas Eve. (Weasels are very good at sneaking. You'll never even notice they were there.)

Since they are very proud of their work, they want the kids to see their presents first.

So they always leave their presents in the children's sock drawers.

The weasels, of course, don't have Santa's knowledge of who has been naughty or nice.

Instead, they just give presents to the children they know and like.

By the time the dryer lint dolls make it all the way from the North Pole to a child's sock drawer, they don't look much like dolls any more.

It's usually just a bag of lint.

Because the weasel's gifts are not very good, or very widely distributed, they've never gotten their own TV show.

So most of your friends won't have heard of them.

Most people who get the lint leave it outside for the birds, who love to use it for their nests.

If you're lucky, someone might tell the Weasels that you should be on their list, too.

Until then, I'll be happy to share my lint with you.

Honor

This one may offend some of you as callous, but it's honestly callous, for whatever that's worth.

Last Sunday in Washington, the Redskins inducted Sean Taylor into their Ring of Honor, then went out and got themselves stomped by the disturbingly efficient Giants. Don't worry, there will be (more) jokes about the won-loss record of Sean Taylor's Ghost in other posts.

Now, I get that the Taylor Tragedy was a John Lennon Killed moment for 'Skins Fan, and that he was many people's favorite player, given that he was large, fast, and hit people hard.

But there's a lot of difference between a fan favorite who died and a truly great player. Taylor made too many coverage and judgment mistakes to be the latter. When they field the all-time 'Skins team in Gridiron Heaven, he's probably on special teams until he can be coached up.

Tangent time that isn't really... when I was but a very wee Shooter, I watched hockey, in that it was a sport that had a professional Philadelphia team, and hence had to be watched and rooted for with abandon. (Yes, even indoor soccer. Moving on.)

One bright spring day, I found my folks sitting outside watching the Flyers on a black and white television off an extension cord in the backyard, as the weather was beautiful. The game started, but there was a long somber moment of silence and a banner being raised to the rafters. A Flyer I didn't really know very well, in that my childhood hockey fandom consisted of guys who scored, fought, and goaltender Bernie Parent, was being given the Ultimate Honor of having his jersey retired.

His name was Barry Ashbee.

When I asked my mom what was going on, she told me he had been a good player, but he was dead now, and didn't say how, in that talking about death with your very little kid tends to be a rathole of conversation that leads to nowhere pleasant. So no one was ever going to wear the number four again.

Wikipedia tells me that Ashbee was a second-team NHL All-Star on defense, and a member of the first Flyers' Stanley Cup team. After a gruesome eye injury in a playoff game (he took a slapshot straight on), and was forced to retire. I'm guessing that it was one of those things that more modern medicine might have helped with, but I'm sure it was horrible.

He was given an assistant coach's job, which he held until he received a terminal diagnosis of leukemia in 1977; he died in a month. The Flyers retired his jersey and have given an award to the team's best defenseman in his name, every year, ever since.

Now, Ashbee seems to have been a pretty good player; definitely not a goon by the penalty numbers, and a +52 in the first Stanley Cup year. He also seems to have been a genuinely good guy, having toiled for eight years in the minors until expansion opened up a slot for him in Philadelphia. He was tough and popular, in an era where the fans bonded more with hockey players from the lack of helmets and visors -- and yes, maybe the injury was one of the reasons why helmets became the rule fairly soon afterward. One suspects that Philly Fan loved him most for striking a ref on purpose, and getting suspended for it. Maybe older folks remember him for more than that, but I kind of doubt it; he didn't have the offensive or penalty numbers to be terribly memorable.

However, it's probably pretty safe to say that a guy who only played four years for the franchise, and probably didn't miss too many of the best days of his career. The eye injury happened when he was 34. Until it happened, I'm sure he wasn't really on anyone's short path to having his jersey retired.

Tragedy made Ashbee honored, and on some level, he knew it. He initially turned down the coach's job because he thought the Flyers were doing it out of pity.

Now, what teams do with their Rings of Honor and retired jerseys is their business, and if it helps their fans get on with the grieving process, there's something to be said for that.

But one assumes that these franchises are going to go on for a very long time -- honestly, it's hard to imagine a world in which someone isn't making money off pro football, and the Washington franchise doesn't exist.

It's also hard to imagine that tragic events aren't going to happen to players on the team. It is, after all, what happens, and what has always happened. You are going to see triple-digit jersey numbers eventually, or posthumous exhumations of guys like Taylor and Ashbee in 50 years.

Finally, this. Does Flyer Fan look up into the rafters and remember Barry Ashbee for anything more than being the name of the award that they give to the top defenseman every year, and that he has a memorial fund to fight leukemia?

And in 20 to 30 years, will Redskins Fan see Taylor's name and think of anything more than a botched home invasion?

Um, can someone please kill this thing now?

Seen on my Lemur crawler... the WNBA will disband the Houston Comets, who won the first four seasons of the league, because they couldn't find a new owner.

Try to imagine that happening in any other league, um, ever. No, I couldn't either. David Stern, can you please step aside from your devouring of the hopes and dreams of Seattle basketball fans and end this thing, please?

MNF Notes: Texans-Jaguars

In a game that I was only watching for fantasy purposes (honest!), the Texans continue their odd defensive mastery of the highly disappointing Jags, who look like they've just quit on coach Jack del Rio. Given that del Rio doesn't seem very smart and that the organization keeps doing things like paying Jerry Porter a lot of money to not catch footballs for them, I can see the logic in the decision. A few points...

> I'm not one for caring too much about a jersey; laundry is laundry, and it's not like my Eagles have impeccable taste in clothing, especially when they go with those black things that literally everyone I know hates. But the red-on-red that they are wearing looks like it belongs in I-AA or the CFL. Seriously, people, change that, or risk a very long gestation period that will resemble the Buccaneers' tangerine orange days.

> When Matt Jones and his very occasional ability to get off the line of scrimmage is your best receiver -- and maybe it's actually tight end Mercedes Lewis, who they don't throw to enough -- you shouldn't win a lot of games. I'm not sure how this team was good last year, in retrospect, but I'm prone to underrating the importance of the offensive line.

> Speaking of Jones, you've never seen a guy with more skills who does less. Tall, strong, fast, blah.

> You'd never know that Houston is a terrible defensive team from watching this game tonight. Or that David Garrard is a threat to run at quarterback. He looked pudgy to me tonight.

> After scoring their first points tonight (a short field goal), del Rio chose to go for an obvious onside kick, with two kickers on the field, that was recovered fairly easily by the Texans. A long Steve Slaton screen later, and the Texans had the field goal back. It's not as if their defense was really struggling, either. del Rio's confidence in his defense wasn't, um, encouraging.

> With 12:21 left and a fourth and goal from the five, del Rio chose to go for it, rather than kick a field goal. Garrard stumbled coming away from center, then threw it up for grabs for an incompletion. And that, honestly, was the ball game, though it got points-wacky at the end.

> According to the MNF chuckleheads, Sage Rosenfels would do his mid-air breakdance fumble against the Colts again. No, seriously. Honestly, there's a reason why Sage Rosenfels should not start NFL games.

> With 2:45 left and the game out of reach, Maurice Jones-Drew took a ball out of the flat and proceeded to head-smash his way through three guys. MJD might not have a terribly long career, but you've still got to love the guy.

> Fred Taylor picked up his 70th touchdown in the late going, setting a new Jaguars team record (Jimmy Smith had 69). Considering how many years he got vultured at the goal line or fought lingering injuries, it really is a meaningful mark... and while he's not exactly someone you think of when you say the words "Hall of Fame", he probably gets there.

> I'd like to really thank the Jags' for failing to touch or care about Steve Slaton late, who took it to the house on his last two carries of the game, doubling his fantasy points for the game and putting me back in first in my points league. Way to show some holiday spirit! You're too kind!

The year's NASCAR moment and post

You are looking live at the Thomas Kinkade NASCAR painting, which was advertised to me during tonight's MNF action.

I present it here just so that I can bathe in the beauty of its sheer awesomeness. As a relative who shall remain nameless has said, it's an entirely different painting in afternoon light, as opposed to morning light. (Yes, really.)

Either that, or I'm mocking the very existence of these two great frauds that go so wrong together, as part of a lovable character trait of mocking what other people like. You make the call!

Epic Drop: Top 10 ways for the Knicks to resolve the Stephon Marbury situation

I know, I know, the last thing you want from me is more about a guy that doesn't play, shouldn't play, and won't make any difference to anyone but the Dolan's bottom line... but there is something about this man and experience that makes people just go batshit loco. I've heard people actually talk about how this is the Knicks' fault for not just paying him to go away, and how since the Starchild Has Been Disrespected -- may we all find such moments of disrespect! -- the Knicks are merely reaping what they sow.

To which I have only one question...

Are Marbury's checks clearing, and being deposited?

Because, well, if they are... he has no standing. If it's that big of a problem, if the disrespect is so egregious, just refuse the payment and walk away from your contract.

He won't, of course, because he's a sack of crap. End of story.