NCAA Winning Picks Week 10

After a 2 week hiatus, The Truth is back to throw some picks against the wall and see what sticks. It's been a disappointing year spotting a record of 21-20. So before Obama takes office and taxes the bejesus out of The Truth, let's make some coin! To get back to a better record we're throwing out 14 picks this week. No analysis needed. Just trust The Truth.

Illinois -2.5 vs. Iowa

Minnesota -7.5 vs. Northwestern

Mizzou -21 @ Baylor

Tulsa -7 @ Arkansas

Auburn +6.5 @ Ole Miss

Colorado +3.5 @ Texas A&M

Georgia +6.5 vs. Florida (Neutral Site)

Oregon +2.5 @ Cal

Texas -3.5 @ Texas Tech

Purdue -1.5 vs. Michigan

Wisconsin +5.5 @ Michigan State

Kentucky +2.5 @ Mississippi State

Florida State +2 @ Georgia Tech

TCU -14 @ UNLV

Epic Drop: Top 11 reasons why Jeff Kent donated $15,000 to stop gay marriage

A fun little list for a fun little guy tonight, folks. And rather than give you a dour little image of the Hitlerian second sacker, I went with a great little guitar tune. We can't be seen together, indeed.

NFL Picks, Week Nine: The Fatal Four-Way

Before we begin this week's picks, a brief musical interlude. It'll make everything seem nicer. Besides, there's titty, and hey, the Phillies are World Series champions. Who can be angry about anything?



Here's how invested I am in this NFL season. I'm in two head to head fantasy leagues -- one for work, the other a legacy deal with friends. I'm also in a third league which is points based, with a live auction and keeper protects. I blog about the NFL, of course. I'm seriously considering a 1,200 mile round-trip roadie to Porkopolis to see the Eagles play the Bengals in mid-November outdoor weather. And finally, there's this picks column.

In short, there's never going to be a week in which everything goes well, since we're in that magical Sucker Bet World that is a 4-way parley.

For the most part, it's gone pretty well. In the friends head to head league, I'm in second with a 7-1 record. That's the league where I have Tony Romo, which means the next couple of weeks will be far too much patchwork (Jeff Garcia, may you burn in hell for not going deep last week), but I should make the playoffs and have a puncher's chance.

In the work head to head league, I'm in first, and life has gone just swimmingly. In the points league, despite having Tom Brady go down in week one, I had a huge week to draw to sixth, within hailing distance of money. In all three leagues, I own Steve Slaton, which has made me all kinds of happy.

And then there's the picks, which had been good up until last week, when we took it all day without lube and gave back six games to the happy side of profit.

Atsa's spicy meatball! Made out of the entirely wrong kind of meat.

So this week, if the law of averages means anything (and it doesn't), these picks are solid gold, baby. Bet the 401K. Bet the house. Hell, bet the money you'll make from recycling my empties from last week. Now, we're talking real money.

On to the picks!

* * * * *

Jets at BUFFALO (-5.5)

J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS Fan has started to see the Ugly Side of The Favre Experience: vertical punt picks that defy any rhyme, reason or sense. It's one thing when such things end your playoff game, since that involves a quick, mercy-killing blow to the back of the head. It's quite another when they single-handedly almost cost you a home game in October against Herm (Herm!) Edwards and the I-AA Chiefs.

It didn't help, of course, that the Jets' offensive play-calling in that game was straight from the Andy Reid playbook of refusing to let your running backs get bruised, or your power running offensive line hit someone in the mouth. (You know, for an ex-offensive lineman, Andy really must hate himself. That, and the weight gain, and the parenting issues. Anyway, moving on.)

The Jets have a bona fide home-run hitter in the backfield in Leon Washington. Sure, he's nobody's idea of a 20-carry a game guy, but when the guy rips off two big touchdowns, maybe you should, you know, give him a chance at three. Eric Mangini chose to save him on the sidelines and let Saint Brett TAInt the game up. (Touchdown After INTerception, or the area between... err, just go to Urban Dictionary.)

Anyway, Saint Brett led them to the big comeback, so all is forgiven, right? Um, er, no, not so much. New York Fan has seen this movie before, and it doesn't end with Shaky Vertical Punt QB leading the team to a playoff win. It just ends with J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS Fan smashing his fist against something heavy, which is a sad but accurate description of his wife. (Whoa, where did that come from? The Phillies won! Be happy!)

Anyhoo... the Jets head north and west to battle the presumably With Electricity Bills, who spent their last weekend looking sad, but powered, on the road in Miami. The Bills need the game to solidify their shaky standing in the AFC East; the Jets need the game because after that punchbowl turd in Oakland two weeks ago, no one thinks they can win on the road. With their quarterback showing less competence for the job than his wife shows in defending him... I like the home team.

Bills 27, Jets 20

Detroit at CHICAGO (-13)

The Bears come off a bye and get the still winless but not yet completely quitting Lions, who led the Redskins for most of last week's game in Detroit before looking down and remembering what those uniforms stood for. On the road against a rested Bears team, with the continuing shocking development that is Kyle Orton Being More Than A Game Manager, I'm not seeing the effort. Or, more importantly, any kind of running game.

Bears 24, Lions 10

JACKSONVILLE at Cincinnati (-7.5)

The league's other winless team hosts the presumably annoyed Jaguars, who showed why they can't be trusted in a home loss to the Browns. (Hint: It involves the people who stand next to the center when he snaps the ball to David Garrard. They aren't very good at, well, playing football.) The Bengals are cursed all over, won't have Carson Palmer to get kicked around anymore this year, and start a mammal and a biped in Ryan Fitzpatrick. Any further resemblance to an NFL quarterback is accidental.

Bengal Fan is currently offering seats for this game for your recycling empties, and getting no takers, since Jacksonville Fan exists only in theory, and never in cold weather. Look for Chris Henry to spray entire sections of empty seats with a sub-machine gun, all the while screaming, "*NOW* WILL YOU FIRE MARVIN LEWIS?"

Jaguars 28, Bengals 17

BALTIMORE at Cleveland (-1.5)

Two flawed teams that are still very much alive in their division race, because their division, is, well, dramatically flawed, albeit not quite West-esque.
The Ravens had a good time at home last week in stomping the Raiders, and even brought out the bucket of confetti with a two-QB alignment that saw Joe Flacco catch a long touchdown from back-up QB Tony Smith. Somewhere, Kyle Boller is eating Haagen-Dazs and listening to emo music.

The Browns took out the Jaguars on the road, despite the Jags' coming off the bye. In a game where it will come down to which quarterback makes the big mistake, my money is on Derek Anderson to blow it first. It also doesn't help him that his home crowd will be crying for Brady Quinn, and later on, just crying.

Ravens 20, Browns 16

GREEN BAY at Tennessee (-5.5)

I'm loving the Pack in this game. They're coming off a bye, getting a Titans' team that won their Statement Game over the Colts, and have a short week from the Monday night game. With a big lead in the division, this is the time for them to give one up, especially to a Packers' team that won't have to worry about stopping actual NFL wideouts. So long as they can give Aaron Rodgers any time to throw, I think they're going to score enough to cover, and even win. Besides, if the Titans are still undefeated in November, television stations will start giving the '73 Dolphins airtime again, and no one wants to see that.

Packers 24, Titans 20

TAMPA BAY at Kansas City (+8.5)

Once again, if you are betting this game, you are more or less betting that the Chiefs will actually score some points, which, given that they are starting Tyler Thigpen, doesn't give me much hope. (No, showing a pulse against the Jets doesn't count.) Look for the Bucs to actually run the ball on the Chiefs' awful run defense, unlike, say, the Bretts... and for Ernest Graham to finally pay off for his fantasy owners. Oh, and Warrick Dunn will vulture a touchdown, just to make you hate Jon Gruden nearly as much as his quarterback harem does.

Bucs 16, Chiefs 7

ARIZONA at St. Louis (+3)

Come now, the Cardinals have to finally show up on the road, don't they? Well, no -- they held a significant lead in Carolina last week and still threw the ball nearly every down. As I have the sneaky great Kurt Warner this year in fantasy, I'm fine with that; I'm also really looking forward to betting against them in the playoffs. Can we make a division winner play a road game, just on general principles?

This week, they get the Rams, who have been a frisky thing since the switch from Scott Linehan to Jim Haslett. Had they held on for the win last week in New England, they'd probably be the favorite in this game. But they didn't, they might still be missing Stephen Jackson, and the Cardinals can get after the quarterback.Finally, there's Warner's chances for some Old Testament revenge in his old home town, and lots of Brenda Warner flashbacks to keep the home crowd quiet, if not incontinent. Expect a gross shootout.

Cardinals 38, Rams 28

Houston at MINNESOTA (-4.5)

Kind of a fun game, in that the Texans take a huge step up in class to face a flawed but intriguing Vikings' team that they might match up well against, since Matt Schaub has been quietly great for a month. Unfortunately for the road team, the Vikes are coming off the bye, and while Brad Childress Eats Paste, he's also from the Andy Reid School, which means he knows what to do with extra time to prepare for a game. If Steve Slaton does anything in this game, my Man Crush will be complete.

Vikings 24, Texans 14

Miami at DENVER (-3)

The Broncos come off a very needed bye, while the Dolphins were enjoying their day of beating the Bills senseless. As much as I hate to go anywhere near enver -- yes, the D is missing, if if was ever actually there in the first place -- the bye and high altitude is too much to overcome. Also, it's high time that Jay Cutler had a big day again. But I'd feel a hell of a lot better about this game if Champ Bailey was around.

Broncos 31, Dolphins 24

Atlanta at OAKLAND (+2.5)

I was really impressed by Matt Ryan and the Falcons last week. They came into Philadelphia and gave a rested home team all that it could handle, and they've got the skill players -- Michael Turner, Jerious Norwood and Roddy White -- that can keep the chains moving.

But this week, they go coast to coast and face a truly great corner in Nnamdi Ahmadinejad Asomugha, and I think this game has just got letdown written all over it. Betting the Raiders is never for the faint of heart, but I look for Zach Miller to have a big game and for the road team to just be a little snakebit.

Finally, there's this. The Falcons lost last week's game on a blown muffed punt call with just over two minutes left, because they didn't have a timeout left for an instant replay challenge. When that kind of thing happens, I think it shakes a team a little, because they are suddenly thinking about whether their rookie coach is going to cost them games. It's all part of the Maturation Process, which is never smooth.

Raiders 24, Falcons 23

Dallas at NY GIANTS (-9)

Notice that this line opened at 7... and well, I still think it's way too low. The Cowboys won't be able to move the ball at all, and eventually, the Giants are just going to wear them down with the running game. Expect to see incompletions and sacks against Brad Johnson, followed by interceptions and sacks from Brooks Bollinger. As for the over/under to Countdown TO Meltdown, it's with five minutes left in the third. I'm taking the under.

Giants 28, Cowboys 17

PHILADELPHIA at Seattle (+6.5)

Seneca Wallace looked competent against the Niners in San Francisco, causing Mike Singletary to film a Coors Light commercial in his very first game. This just in: the Eagles' defense is better than the Niners'. And the Seabags don't have the running back (Julius Jones smokes cigarettes, TJ Duckett smokes nothing) that can keep the Eagles' defense honest.

Seattle has a good home field advantage, and Mile Holmgren has authored plenty of Andy Reid nightmares over the past few years. But they can't stay keep McNabb and (especially) Westbrook off the board for long, especially now that the quarterback has everyone but Shane Andrews and Reggie Brown (presumably) working on offense. Combine this with the Phillies' breakthrough, and Philly Fan is going to have to see a doctor from that uncomfortable facial ache. (Those smile muscles are really getting a workout.)

Eagles 31, Seahawks 16

NEW ENGLAND at Indianapolis (-5.5)

The marquee game that isn't. Don't be fooled by the laundry, folks... neither of these teams is very good anymore, and if either of them make it to a playoff game, they're going to go down. Hard.

Of course, this also supposes the NFL teams have any relation to themselves from a week to week basis. The only thing we know about the Patriots is that without Tom Brady, they have no real margin for error, unless the opposition trips over themselves, a la Denver last week. All we know about this Colts' team is that they are killing their fantasy team owners, they can't stop the run without Bob Sanders, their wins have been Houdini acts, and their special teams suck. Against the madness that is Bill Belichick, that's enough for a close cover, if not an out-and-out win.

Patriots 24, Colts 21

PITTSBURGH at Washington (-1.5)

Our good friend CMJ Dad hates it when I pick the Steelers; he's convinced that I am the Jinx to End All Jinxes.

Of course, a much bigger jinx is a bottom five offensive line, a #1 wideout who likes the chronic, and a fluke injury to your long snapper in the middle of a game, leading to the go-ahead safety on a punt. The perils of a Thursday picks column, folks. (Oh, and while you are at it, please get yourself a punter who can walk. That was just embarrassing.)

The Skins have been winning with mirrors for a while now, and nearly gave up the first win of the year last week to the Lions before getting a punt return touchdown from Santana Moss (who doesn't even have that job usually). They also don't rush the quarterback very well, which means they'll only sack Big Ben four times, rather than 10. For him this year, that's an easy day.

But rest easy, Dad. If I'm still losing on this bet this week, I promise to go through the entire history of the picks column and show the Steelers' won-loss record against my picks. That'll be fun for, well, no one. Go Steelers!

Steelers 24, Redskins 21

Last week: 3-9-2

Year to date: 58-50-4

Simon Is Clad In Greatness

Final standings...

Simon 295
Bullet 290
Al 275
Shooter 230
Liston 135
HHR 130
Brian 85
Truth 80
Will 75
Chief 25

Simon, e-mail me at dmt shooter at gmail dot com with your T-shirt size and address.

Truth, you know what you have to do...

Epic Drop: Top 10 reasons for everyone to be happy the Phillies won

And just to wash away that taste of honest emotion, here's a tailored list of happy snark. It's always sunny in Philadelphia, indeed.

World Series, Game 5: Phillies-Rays Re-Start

After a 46 hour rain delay, it's Geoff Jenkins, a mostly useless guy all year, out to hit for Hamels. Ball one is greeted with a thunderous roar. He swings and misses at 95, up and out. Balfour gets strike two, 96 and low; he looks sharp, but he's also breathing hard, and misses outside, even faster. He might be gripping a bit... and he overthrows again, taking the count full. Jenkins then absolutely crushes one to the wall in center right, some 395 feet away. He might have thought third, but that would have been a bad thought, given that Bossman Junior picked up the ball.

Rollins drops a first pitch bunt to third, moving Jenkins to third. Perfect execution, if not the best possible result. It's on Jayson Werth to get the run home.

Ball one, wild high. Rays warming two lefties in the pen. Ball two is away, still 95. Werth watches strike one inside high, and I don't think Balfour has thrown anything that has varied in speed. Another fastball in the same location is fouled back, and Balfour is smelling the strikeout at 2-2. Werth fists off a ball to very shallow center that Iwamura can't control, as the infield was in. That's scored as a hit, Balfour is done, and Howell will come in to face Utley. Who says this team is cursed, or that Charlie Manuel doesn't have the touch? He could have used Dobbs or Stairs; instead, he chose his third-best left-handed pinch-hitter, as if this was, you know, a normal game. Wow. 3-2, Phillies.

We come back from commercial to see Grant Balfour throwing his glove like an angry man. It's a darn shame. Darn shame!

Howell starts his night by throwing to first. Wheeler throwing, presumably for Burrell, assuming the inning gets that far. Strike one is on the outside corner with movement. Ryan Madson starts throwing for the Phillies. Joe Buck apologizes for Maddon using Balfour and Howell instead of Electric David Price, because that's what Fox does -- though the pitcher does hit fourth for the Rays next inning, and it's impossible for American League teams to use double changes. Gosh darn National League rules!

Strike two is on the corner, and strike three is a good curve, getting Utley to flail. Impressive stuff from Howell. Howard on, and since he doesn't have a man in scoring position, this should work out. Werth gets picked off and makes second base anyway, as Howell's move to first wasn't fast enough. Dammit, Jayson, now Howard can't get a hit! And to prove my point, Howard pops up to Longoria to end the inning. It's Ryan Madson time, and the Phillies are nine outs away.

If the Phillies hold the lead... Cole Hamels wins the game. Though to be honest, I never quite got that. Geoff Jenkins pinch-hit for him; he was in pitcher's position when the Phillies scored. Shouldn't he be the winning pitcher? Ok, well, no. Moving on.

Fox shows a ton of commercials, and I'm left to wonder if every post-season baseball telecast has to go 3 hours. Fox is wise to the Hamels win possibility; if he gets it, he's the first to ever start 5 and win 5. Navarro is the first hitter of the seventh, and Madson starts him off with an unhittable tailing fastball. Strike two is a change that's moving down; Navarro fights it off. Ball one misses inside by a little. Romero and Price warming up in opposite bullpens. Strike three is 94, on the inside corner and down, and damn near perfect. Sit down, meat.

Rocco Baldelli is up next... and he fists one to left, carrying nicely and gone. Crap, crap, crap. Tie game. Honestly, he didn't look good on the swing, but Baldelli just got it out anyway. Crap, crap, crap. 3-3 game.

Bartlett rips a base hit to left on an 0-1 pitch, and that looked more comfortable than the Baldelli homer. Bartlett is a stolen base threat, and Howell will stay in the game to bunt. One does wonder how much he's done that. Strike one is missed, but Howell gets it done, and it's two out, man on second, for Iwamura. Manuel has seen enough of Madson, and he's picked a bad time to be human. Romero in after an ungodly amount of commerce.

Fox goes for the Baldelli mouth job, and I guess it's pretty damn warranted. Jerk. Romero looks Bartlett back to second. Strike one is a good fastball on the inside corner. Chad Bradford getting loose. Utley then makes a great play to keep Iwamura's slow roller in the infield, then catches Bartlett getting greedy on the turn; it's a close play at the plate, but he's clearly out, and the inning is over. Aggro base running giveth, and aggro base running taketh away. I suspect Fox is quite happy with their evening of programming so far tonight -- this game is crazy tight. 3-3 going into the bottom of the seventh.

Howell starts Burrell with a strike. Two nights ago, Pat the Not Bat took two walks, but he's still 0 for 13 for the Series. Fox is in full goat mode for him, showing the graphic every time he comes up... and Burrell responds with a mashed ball to left that would have been out in the months that God intended baseball to be played. Bruntlett in to run for him. One wonders why he's not on third, but then again, it's Pat Burrell. Chad Bradford on for the Rays to turn Victorino around. If I'm the Rays, I go with Wheeler here, in that Chadford is prone to ground ball singles, but Joe Maddon will do what Joe Maddon will do...

Victorino shows bunt, and watches ball one. Again, this is setting up the bottom of the order, but Manuel has had the touch. Second pitch is bunted foul; Bradford can't be an easy guy to bunt, really. Manuel comes out to talk about something, and McCarver is dreaming of a balk call. Strike two is a whiffed bunt, and so much for that strategy. Bradford doesn't strike out a lot of guys, and he won't get Victorino either, as he pulls the ball to Iwamura. Man on third, one out, for Feliz.

Rather than go to Dobbs, Manuel leaves in Pedro. I suspect he likes Feliz v. Bradford more than Dobbs v. Electric David Price. Strike one is fouled off... and the third baseman rips a ball up the middle that would have been a single, even if the infield hadn't been up. The Phillies take the lead back, and Charlie Manuel is a genius. 4-3, Phillies.

Carlos Ruiz up as Maddon leaves Bradford in. The sidewinder gets ahead 0-2, with Dobbs on deck. Price warming. Ruiz loops one up the middle, but Iwamura makes a great play to get Feliz. Two outs, and that keeps Romero in the game; he grounds out on the first pitch. Curious.

Romero starts the eighth with a 2-0 count to Crawford, then hits the inside corner for strike one, and misses low for 3-1. Not the man you want to walk. Strike two is a marginal low call, but Fox gives it to him easily. On the full count, Crawford laces it to center, and the Phillies relieves are picking a bad time to be hittable.

Bossman Junior up now, and this is major scary... for all of a pitch, as he taps a perfect double play ball to Rollins. Phew. Monstrously big. Carlos Pena up with 2 outs and nobody one, with Longoria on deck. The lefty will be Romero's last hitter, and he overthrows ball one. Big nerves time for everyone, really. A pinched high fastball makes it 2-0 to the first baseman. Scott Eyre throwing with Lidge, probably just for company. A floater makes it 3-0. 94mph at the letters makes it 3-1, but not a great pitch; if he tries it again, Pena probably jumps on it. The 3-1 pitch is a fastball inside that Pena serves to Bruntlett in left for the first scoreless inning of the re-start. We are three outs away, with Longoria, Navarro and ... Baldelli due in the ninth. Insurance would be Quite Helpful, and the Phillies will have the top of the order to try to provide it.

Price and Aybar in, so Maddon does know how to double-switch; Aybar will hit fourth in the ninth, and replaces Pena. The Electric One is low on the first two pitches to Rollins. Rollins gets under the third pitch and it dies on the track to Crawford in left, and it's time for Fox to show us grainy Philly championship footage.

Up yours, Fox.

Werth dives out of the way of a low cutter -- let it hit you! -- for a 2-1 count, then fouls off heat. Strike three is called on the outside corner, and Electric David Price has two outs.

Fox then craps on us with the Billy Penn Hat legend, and we see some dinky statue on top of the Comcast tower. Um, whatever.

Up yours, Fox.

Utley gets to 3-0, then watches 95 mph on the outside corner for 3-1. The Electric One will make a lot of money playing baseball. The 3-1 pitch is about as bad as Utley has ever looked on a fastball, but the 3-2 heater is away, and Chase takes the walk. Insurance is up to Ryan Howard, and maybe he gets a fastball he can handle. A long ball would make many, many Phillies fans relax, maybe for the first time in three days.

Strike one is a high but moving slider at 87. Et tu, Electric One? Give the big man a fastball. Not on the second or third pitches, which miss. Crowd gets into it, and on Yet Another Slider, Utley steals second, more to show that he can, really. Bruntlett on deck, and he did hit a homer in game two. Fouls off strike two, off speed again... and then Price finally gives in and throws a fastball right by Howard. We're into the top of the ninth, with Brad Lidge needing three outs for immortality. 4-3, Phillies.

Well, folks, this is everything that Phillies Fan could have hoped for from this bizarro game -- a lead in the ninth with the closer that hasn't failed all year. Everybody convinced that we're doomed yet? I know that I am. Evan Longoria looks like Albert Pujols. Dioner Navarro looks like a left-handed Albert Pujols. Rocco Baldelli has already homered tonight. We're doomed.

Strike one is a nasty slider that moves all over. Strike two is 94 mph heat that Longoria is late on. Joe Buck tells us about Lidge's last home run allowed. Up yours, Fox. Longoria watches the slider miss, low and away. He also looks at 93 mph heat up and on the hands. Heat outside, on the black, is fouled off. The slider gets him guessing fastball, and he pops it up. Utley squeezes it. One away.

Navarro gets a first-pitch slider strike. Useful pitch, that. A second one is out of the zone, and the catcher goes fishing. Strike two. McCarver warns of wild pitch strike outs, where the hitter reaches first. That's another way we're doomed. A broken bat single to right gets the catcher aboard, and we're doomed. Maddon pinch runs Fernando Perez, who scored the winning run in game two of the ALCS; he might as well have a baton. Ben Zobrist in to hit for Baldelli.

First pitch fastball at 92 is a strike. The Rays have stolen more bases in post-season than any other team ever. Ball one is a slider that misses outside. Curious that he hasn't moved on either pitch, but he goes on the second ball of the at bat, a slider that misses. Man on second, 2-1, and Lidge is 180 feet away from his first blown save of the season. Doom Time... and Zobrist's line drive is right at Werth in right. That's justice for Navarro's crappy single. Two outs, and Perez can't advance.

Eric Hinske, who also homered earlier in this series, hits for Bartlett. He's only here because Cliff Floyd got hurt. He has a World Series ring with the Red Sox last year. He's a white, left-handed, Albert Pujols. We're doomed.

A slow roller goes foul to first for strike one. He can't check on the slider for strike two, and Rays Fan, assuming he exists, has another beef with the men in blue. 0-2 count. Crowd huge. And strike three is a slider that Hinske seems to know that he has no chance on in mid-swing. And just like that, it's all over. Phillies 4, Rays 3, in five games.

The Phillies are the world champions.

No one in Philadelphia has to be from the town that hates any more.

Charlie Manuel's mom smiles.

Writing that made me cry.

Pat Gillick retires on top.

Brad Lidge is perfect -- now and forever.

Had 'em all along.

It's Make Your Own Dick Joke Day at FTT

A Japanese medical journal has reported a rare case of phantom erectile penis. The patient underwent sexual-reassignment surgery (he became a she) and, in the days following, began to experience a bizarre sensation: His (or her) penis was still there! It was erect! And there was nothing he (or she!) could do about it! In the end, the doctors decided to pursue a second surgery, in which all the remaining genital nerve fibers were removed; after six torturous months, the phantom erection disappeared. A flaccid penis never felt so good. - Very Short List

I'd comment on this, but my brain just exploded.

Epic Drop: Top 11 things we have learned so far in the NFL this year

Easy enough link today, and I'd say more about it, but I need one of those blows that Al Michaels and others are always talking about.

Is there some guy that can run over here right now and give me a blow?

Anyone?

Jeez, it's as if I was asking for something gross or intimate here...

Philly Parade?

Supposedly a top 10 search term on Google, and far be it for me to turn my nose up at free search traffic from jinx-hating idiots who want to set themselves up for Phresh Rage at an Uncaring God.

So welcome, you rain-causing morons. Please stare at the ads, and maybe order a T-Shirt. Papa needs a new pair of shoes, seeing as his last pair were ruined by rain and tears...

Epic Drop: Top 10 silver linings for Philly Fan

Your link is here, but cheer up, Philly Fan... it's all happiness and sunshine and pushing those rain clouds away.

Plus, um, you didn't lose the game. And your doom-tastic fans notwithstanding, being up 3-1 in a tie game in Game Five of the World Series is still, um, OK. I guess...

World Series Addendum

Well, it's suspended now, and this is obvious, but what an edge for the Rays. They basically neutralized Cole Hamels despite a bad start from Scott Kazmir. They got Carlos Pena, and to a lesser extent Evan Longoria, off the schnied. They are putting the fear of choke in the leaders. You can use Electric David Price in the re-start. The home field advantage for the Phillies has to be through the floorboards with the weather curse. The only real drawback is that they have to get 12 outs to the Phillies' nine.

Oh, well. As Adrian Belew once sang, fear is never boring...

World Series, Game Five: Phillies-Rays: Washout

A relatively low-key national anthem from John Oates, substituting for Darryl Hall, who Fox tells us was sick. This is followed up by the first dick pill ad of the evening. Somehow, I think I'll live with frequent pissing for the ability to drive a car without, you know, possible death from fainting.

Rays' manager Joe Maddon moves the Longoria-Pena duo down to the 4-5 slots, moving Carl Crawford up to the 2 slot. This means a split of speed threats if they have base runners, since Crawford and Upton are their main base steals. If it's my team, I'm tempted to lead off with Crawford, who has been my best hitter of the series, and bump Iwamura to 9, as a second leadoff hitter. But then again, I'm wacky that way.

Joe Buck feels compelled to tell us that the Rays are resilient. Um, really? I was sure that if you got to the World Series, there's no way that you could have been tested before this.

Rocco Baldelli tells the nation that Carlos Pena is the Rays' spiritual leader. I need to know more. What are his teachings? How does he stand on free will versus determinism? Does he see himself as a new Messiah, or more of an apostle to some previous leader? Don't leave us hanging, Rocco.

First pitch at 8:30, and Hamels gets an up and in call. It's 43 degrees, and the Shooter Eldezt has been banished to the basement after annoying the Shooter Mom. After telling me she wanted to watch the game, she immediately grabs books and begins reading them out loud. As they say in "Rounders," women are the rake. They are the...

Iwamura flies out, and the ball seems to be carrying well to right again. Crawford lines a ball to Rollins, who drops it, but has enough time to get the speedster at first. Rollins then retires Upton early, and the aggressive Rays are out of the inning in 3 minutes and 7 pitches. Useful.

I switch over to MNF in time to see Hank Williams Sr. on my screen. And just that quickly, we're back to Fox...

Donovan McNabb reads off the Phillies lineup tonight, wearing shades and sporting a profound bass voice. Buck tells us that he's wearing the shades due to an eye poke during the Falcons' game, but we all know he's doing it to look cool. S'ok, Don.

Kazmir's first two pitches are wide, and Rollins patiently watches both. His velocity is reasonable, but he doesn't look too comfortable, and Rollins think he's got a walk on 3-1, but the umpire calls him back, correctly. The game gets delayed from there as Dioner Navarro has a mask problem, giving Fox enough time to show us the names of the struggling umpiring crew. A fly ball to Crawford in left ends Rollins, and Kazmir looks better against Werth... but once again, the pitch count creeps up, and we go to a full count. Ball four is borderline outside, but Werth runs to first and the umpire doesn't call him back, so the home team is in business... especially after Kazmir hits Utley on the first pitch. Two on for the red-hot Ryan Howard.

Kazmir goes right at Howard with heat, and gets him on 94 mph gas. There's a reason that Mets Fan cries when they watch him, folks. Burrell, who might be playing in his last game as a Phillie tonight (he's a free agent), has done nothing in the series. Again, Kazmir falls behind, and the umpire does him no favors with a tight strike zone. Burrell takes the walk, and the bases are loaded for Shane Victorino. Major stress inning, right away, for Kazmir, but if he gets Victorino, it's a plus.

First pitch to Shane almost gets the leg; I think he'd had stuck it out had he known it was coming. Second is low and away, and the lefty isn't going to get any calls with that kind of command. The crowd is primed to explode, even in a hitless inning. On 2-1, Shane delivers to left, and the Party Is On. 2-0, Phillies.

Fox flashes a graphic of how Kazmir has allowed 8 first inning runs in the post-season. Can Pedro Feliz make this inning monstrous? Not quite, as his looping single to left gets to Crawford too soon to score Burrell, who runs like a spastic turtle. It's on Carlos Ruiz, hitting a mere .417 in the Series. No action in the Rays' pen, which is a common failing of Maddon, but he gets away with it, as Ruiz flies to right. 29 pitches for Kazmir in the inning, only 14 of them strikes. Well, on the plus side, he'll still have Hamels to lead off the second. Oh, and an umpire that he's giving dirty looks to. That's a good idea.

Carlos Pena leads off with a first pitch bunt out to Howard. Not exactly imposing behavior from the cleanup hitter. On the next pitch, Longoria flies out to Victorino. That's 5 outs on 9 pitches, folks -- hard to do. Navarro works Hamels for a walk, very smart, as Hamels feels a little squeezed by the umpire as well. He gets Baldelli on the second pitch he throws, and King Cole is through two on 17 pitches, having retired 6 of 7 hitters.

You know, when I saw the first ad for "Role Models," I thought, wow, what an odorous little movie. Now that I've seen 30 to 40 ads for it, I'd like the people who made it hunted down and killed. I can't imagine this is a unique reaction.

Kazmir faces Hamels, who hit a little in the regular season, but it's not like he's going to do much with Kazmir throwing strikes and gas; the Rays' lefty gets a 3-pitch strikeout. Fox has mic'ed up Shane Victornio, who seems like a puppy in human form, to see how much he can chatter about the wind. The answer is: a lot. Rollins doesn't look comfy early in the count, but works it full before flying out to Baldelli in right. Another 2-0 count to Werth, as Kazmir seems determined to never have a very easy inning; Werth obliges him by fouling off a bunch of pitches. The Bearded One then lines a 2-out single to left to give Utley something to swing at, but he can't take advantage. Note the Hidden Damage of Extra Pitches: Kazmir threw 19 there,and has 48 through 2. At this pace, the Rays will be going to the pen by the fifth. 2-0 Phils after two, and the Shooter Eldest is off to bed. So much for her World Series fascination.

Why does Sprint think I'm buying a cell phone from a heartfelt black and white testimonial? On second thought, why does anyone buy a cell phone -- don't we all just have them by now?

Hamels starts the third with Bartlett, who works out of a 1-2 hole to push it full. Hamels ends it with a grounder to Rollins, and once again, the Rays' leadoff hitter is out. Cole then treats Kazmir to the same 1-2-3 strikeout good night that Kazmir gave him, and Hamels works quickly to Iwamura; he looks like a man who enjoys being indoors. Iwamura gets the Rays' first hit on a liner up the box that Hamels nearly spears, but Cole's not a hockey goalie. A first pitch ground out from Crawford shows the Rays to continue to not work the pitcher into deep counts, and Hamels is through three with just 33 pitches.

How many years, really, do we need to see a rabbit toy beat a drum to show the worth of a battery? The over-under is, sadly, 30.

Kazmir starts the third with Howard and whiffs him on three pitches; the book of Get Runs Early seems to be holding firm. Burrell still doesn't have a hit in the series, and that's true after a three-pitch at bat and fly out to right. Kazmir gets Victorino on three pitches as well, and that's his first great inning of the night -- and only 9 pitches. He's at 57 through 3, and has the bottom of the lineup coming up.

Hamels back out quickly for the fourth to face the heart of the Rays' order; the game is moving as fast as Fox will allow it, really. Hamels keeps getting strike one, and Rollins gets Upton on a 1-1 grounder that looked like the speedy outfielder could have made it a tougher play, but Fox is too wrapped up in interviewing Maddon to show a replay. The rain picks up as Pena fouls one off his foot, which will probably end his bunting. The first baseman hits one hard to right that Werth misses against the wall, and his first hit of the series is a double with one out. A better right fielder makes the play; a faster or more determined runner gets to third. It doesn't matter as Longoria gets his first hit of the Series as well, a liner past Rollins, and the Rays are on the board. Worry creeps in with the rain, as it's suddenly 2-1, Phillies.

Hamels seems a little shaken, and goes 3-0 to Navarro. He gets a charity high strike to make it 3-1, then a perfect double play ball. Phew. The inning ends, and it's 2-1, Phillies... but facing a Rays' team that has some definite life. Kazmir to face the bottom of the lineup in his bid for the shutdown inning.

All series long, the bottom of the Phillies order has made the Rays work harder than vice versa. Feliz fouls off three in a row before waving at a fourth, and that's Kazmir fifth strikeout, and third of the last four hitters. Ruiz laces a ball into the hole in left, and Hamels is up to bunt. Pitch one hits Hamels in the finger and we're in a big yikes moment, but he gets back in and doesn't look too bad bunting the second pitch. Unfortunately, it's too hard, and Hamels has to run the bases at first. Worrisome. Kazmir works quickly to Rollins, and the count goes full as the crowd makes as much noise as wet and worried people can make. Seriously, the weather here is pretty miserable right now, and while it's good that Rollins is making Kazmir work, it's less useful that Hamels is on the bases. Rollins gets the walk, and it's up to Werth. Something of a stress inning for Kazmir, and the rain is looking like it's coming down in sheets on HD.

Kazmir seems to be having footing issues as he falls behind 2-1, but the count evens up. Phillies are fouling off a lot of pitches this inning, with Werth looking increasingly locked in. Kazmir, sensing this, throws a slider that bounces to take the count full. Pitch number 25 of the inning stays out, and the crowd is starting to get into it. Kazmir at 82 pitches now, and Werth just keeps prolonging it, now getting up to 10. You just hope that Hamels isn't getting gassed on the bases. Ball four is low and away, Werth has reached base three times, and it's loaded with two outs.

Buck and McCarver note that no Rays are up in the bullpen, which is Maddon's common mistake; Electric David Price is starting to jog, but not throw. It's on Utley.

Kazmir's best slider gets Utley chasing. Count evens on a low fastball. A bounced slider makes it 2-1, and Navarro saves further excitement. Ball three is close but high. It's crazy that the Rays don't have people working right now. Strike two is close but on the black inside; quality stuff there. Full count to Utley, and Grant Balfour finally gets up. Utley makes it academic with a groundout to Iwamura; a huge opportunity missed there. The Phillies have loaded the bases 21 times in the post-season, and have scored only 4 runs in those situations. Gahhh. At least they will be rid of Kazmir very soon, who has thrown 90 pitches in 4 innings, and made Ryan Howard look bad in the process.

Hamels to face the 7-8-9 hitters; how will he be after the hit hand? 2-0 to Baldelli in heavy rain doesn't help ease any minds, and then the wind makes a routine pop up to shortstop more or less impossible. Baldelli gets on with an error charged to Rollins, and that might be the first leadoff hitter on for the Rays. Utley then makes a fantastic double play on a tag and spin move; terrible base running by Baldelli, who really should have been more aware of where the ball was, but that's just huge. Maddon lets Kazmir hit for himself, and Hamels handles him on three pitches. That's quick if not terribly easy -- in this weather, nothing is easy -- and Kazmir has to go right back out and work after a high pitch inning. It'll be up to Howard, Burrell and Victorino to make him pay for it.

Say, umps? The game's now official. Why not just call it? Save us all some drama, really.

Kazmir looks shaky against Howard for the first time tonight, and it's a 4-pitch walk. If that's it for Kazmir, you really have to wonder why Maddon didn't hit for him... but he leaves him in to face Burrell. Grady Little, anyone? The forecast says heavy rain and 40 degree weather, and Philly Fan is going to have to earn their good times tonight. Kazmir falls behind Burrell 2-1 as Balfour warms, and Kazmir is having continued footing issues. I really do suspect that if this wasn't a Series game, we'd have been in a rain delay a long time ago. Count evens on a chased slider, and goes full on what should have been a called third strike, at least according to Fox. The Rays are really not loving these umps. Burrell fouls off three more before getting ball four, low. Kazmir's last pitch of the night is also a strike according to Fox, and the Phillies have two on, no outs, for the reliever.

Kazmir certainly has cause for complaint with the umpire, but the simple fact is that when you walk six guys in 5 innings with hit batsmen, you aren't getting any calls. Either that, or this umpire wants everyone to get wildly ill from as much exposure to wind and rain as possible. It winds up being a ferociously long delay as the grounds crew work on the entire field, almost as if Kazmir had left for an injury, but we're finally back to live action. Shane Victorino, the key to all kinds of good moments for the Phils, is up, with the Rays seemingly expecting a bunt. If I'm Charlie Manuel, I'm not doing it; the man has 13 RBIs in the postseason.

Oh well, shows what I know. Strike one is a bunt, foul. Second pitch is a pop up to left, and that's good and useless. Gahhh. Feliz fouls three pitches off to start the at bat as the conditions are really awful now, and Pena manages to corral it for the second out. Fox makes a big deal out of a lack of infield fly rule. Balfour gets up on Ruiz and gets up after a loud liner to right, and the third useless pop up of the inning ends it. Still 2-1, and we're into the sixth.

I know people who are at this game, and no, I'm not jealous of them. Yikes.

The grounds crew comes out again for the infield, and what might have been a quick game has really slowed down dramatically from all of the yardwork. Hamels gets Iwamura on a high and wide strike to lead the sixth, and the umpiring is really getting questioned now. Hamels' third strikeout is backed up by Crawford chopping out to Howard. Hamels is missing more in the bad elements, but he's still working quickly and confidently. On a 2-2 count, Upton manages an infield single on a grounder up the middle to Rollins. Fox thinks Upton won't run in the mud, and the lead he's taking says no. Buck and McCarver are now mutinying on the umpires because Upton is slower in the mud. Waah, Fox, Waah. Upton doesn't seem to be conceding the point, as he draws throws to first... and Upton steals the base anyway. I guess we can keep playing after all!

1-1 to Pena. Temperature down to 39 now. Yeesh. Rays' dugout yapping a lot. Hamels pulls the string on a change, and it's 2-2. Philly Fan does itself proud with noise in misery. Pena makes them hate him even more by calling time. Pena lines a single to left, Upton scores, and the game is tied. Crap, crap, crap. Game's tied, and Pena's the reason why. A passed ball strike to Longoria sends Pena to second. It's nightmare time for Philly Fan. Longoria lines out to Victorino, and that's the sixth inning; 2-2 tie... and that's your rain delay.

Well, on the bright side, Philly Fan... anyone that can throw a post-game riot in this weather has well and truly earned their tipped car. More later if we have game.

Department of Clever Scheduling

While Sunday Night Football has traditionally taken a World Series hiatus, Monday Night Football has not; before 2007, Monday was typically a travel day for MLB. Last year, the Boston sweep prevented a Monday night Game 5.

With MNF slotted against Game 5 of the Series, how does the NFL avoid a potential conflict?

Well, this evening's contest is between the Titans and the Colts.

Mike Singletary, America's Favorite New Coach

The rant in question is directed at tight end Vernon Davis, and shared by every unfortunate SOB who drafted Davis in their fantasy league.

But still... one teeny, tiny point. Mike, if you want winners, why the hell did you take the job in San Francisco?

World Series Notes: Game Four, Phillies-Rays

The following Small Points for your amusement, from tonight's game...

> There's over the top, there's wildly over the top, and then there's Patti LaBelle. For those of you who missed the national anthem, let's just say that she's, um, unique.

> Andy Sonnastine was the member of the Rays' rotation that I thought the Phillies could really handle, and he didn't disappoint, pitching only four innings and allowing nine baserunners. Part of this was bad luck with a blown umpire call at third in the first ining (Justice for Jamie Moyer's non-win!), but still -- he wasn't sharp at all. The Rays won't use him again this year.

> A word on Joe Blanton. I've watched the man pitch a lot for my Oakland A's, and what you saw tonight? Not him. Cupcakes just keeps the ball low, works fast, is a reasonable 4 or 5 starter that's miscast in the top of the rotation. He's not dominant, with nasty filth stuff everywhere, and a power bat to boot. Seriously, the Rays' should check the DNA.

> Giving that Akinori Iwamura won gold gloves in Japan and has spent this series making errors... I'm wondering what the exchange rate for gold is on the Nippon exchange. (Your alternate joke here is that Iwamura is Japanese for Whoops.)

And of course, after writing this, he makes a great play for a double play in the seventh. The lesson: never say anything.

> When you're going good, you're getting the breaks. To a more cursed Phillies team, a line drive off the pitcher is a hit, a hurt pitcher, the prelude to a big inning.

For the Phillies tonight, it was Blaton with the kick save to Pedro Feliz for an out. Just another 1-5-3 putout.

> With his no-doubt home run, Blanton entered The Pantheon of unlikely Philly World Series pitching heroes. It's a short list (Marty Bystrom! Bob Walk! Dickie Noles! Jamie Moyer), but with one more win, he'll never buy another beer in this town.

> In the seventh, Ryan Madson makes what might be the pitch of the game, getting Bossman Junior Upton to whiff on a 3-2 change with two on and two out. Bossman Junior is going to make a lot of money in his MLB life, but he's not the same guy that killed Boston. Thank heavens.

> If you saw Frank Calliendo in public, and he was criminally assaulted in front of you, would you do anything to stop it, or would you just try to commit every second of it to memory? These are the things that I think about during heavy rotation commercials.

> Another heavy rotation commercial reaction... does it diminish the accomplishment of Indiana Jones in the last movie that the villainess that he foiled was pregnant? (The actress Cate Blanchett, of course.) Having seen the Shooter Wife through two pregnancies, I say no, no, a thousand times, no...

> In the seventh, Fox's heads talked about how Charlie Manuel was interested in working Brad Lidge for more than one inning tonight. As someone rooting for the Phillies in this series, I'm not interested in him having to do that. A game without drama is OK, guys.

> The stat of the series: Pena and Longoria, 0 for 29, 15 whiffs. Ye Gads.

> Just so the rest of the non-Philly world is aware... Ryan Madson's career WHIP is 1.36, and he's never thrown this hard before. I have no idea how he became Utterly Freaking Dominant, but more power to him.

> In Tampa, the Phillies got a split despite having little from Rollins, Howard and Burrell. In Philly for the last two games, Rollins and Howard have come alive, and life for Philly Fan is much, much better...

> In Game Three, after getting picked off second base in what seemed to be a crushing mistake, a colleague assailed Jayson Werth for his doofy facial hair. Tonight, after a no-doubt insurance homer that made it 8-2 in the ninth? It's Distinguished.

> Ryan Howard's eighth inning home run, off lefty Trevor Miller, that made it 10-2... was the baseball equivalent of the good guy in a pro wrestling match running in and cleaning house. Seriously, he should have just Miller with a steel chair. It'd have been less obvious.

> In the surprisingly relaxed ninth, JC Romero makes an error put the leadoff man on, and just as we go to the Here We Go feeling... the next man makes out, and the man after that, with an emphatic strikeout of Jason Bartlett. Because, well, these aren't the Red Sox, and an 8-run lead in the ninth agains the bottom of an order that hasn't hit much for the first four games of this Series... well, it's not getting eight runs for the heartbreak loss.

> Your final out as the Phillies move to a 3-1 Series lead is JC Romero going upstairs on Rocco Baldelli, treating him like yesterday's newspaper. You know, the one that talked about how close and exciting this Series has been. Domination.

> Post game, Joe Maddon talked about Blanton having a mark on his cap, and wondered to some extent if Something Was Afoot.

As someone who wants the Phils to win, keep thinking that, Rays. It's got to be cheating. Think a lot about that.

> As the game moved to the ninth, other Philly Fans in my IM circle spoke of how odd it was to see their team like this... which is to say, cruising to a win, getting every break, marching on. Almost as if they were, well, Not From Here.

Earlier today, in the Eagles' game, the Falcons called their third and final time out before the two minute warning. On the subsequent punt, the refs blew the call badly, awarding a muff fumble to the home team. Since the Falcons had no timeouts left, they couldn't challenge, and that was, well, that. Brian Westbrook broke a touchdown run for the suck out cover that made the final score look a lot easier than it was.

My town never gets that call, or, at least, never remembers getting that call. Perhaps it's a new day; perhaps this is what 100 seasons of futility coming to an end might, well, feel like.

Because this Phillies team? It doesn't feel like it's from that place.

And if Cole Hamels and the suddenly red-hot Phillies' bats can get it done tomorrow night, that town will no longer exist.

And the congregation sings, Amen...

My Roto NBA Team, Or Something You Could Not Possibly Care About

For the first time in, well, forever, I went big early and liked my draft, or did until I realized post-draft that Arenas and Ginobili were both out for a long time. I'm doomed.

Drafting fourth in a 12-team serpentine draft...

1st - Amare Stoudemire
2nd - Tim Duncan
3rd - Andre Iguodala
4th - Hedo Turkoglu
5th - Devin Harris
6th - Jermaine O'Neal
7th - Andre Miller
8th - Gilbert Arenas
9th - O.J. Mayo
10th - Manu Ginobili
11th - Mickael Pietrus
12th - Hakim Warrick

We start nine, in a 8-category roto league. If this is the year Jermaine O'Neal cares, I really like my bigs; if not, I'm boned. Same thing, of course, goes for the star hurt guys, but at least I'll be rooting hard for the Sixers again this year. I think we'll contend. My favorite pick is Mayo in the 9th; I think he'll contend for Rookie of the Year, and it's not like he won't get monster minutes for the Grizzlies.

Anyway, we now return you to the parts of the blog you might care about...

Epic Drop: Top 12 things you learn from the NY Times' mouth job of the OKC Thunder

Your link is here, and honestly, does anyone that does not live in Oklahoma (and it's not like they have the Internets there anyway) wish anything but ill for the Thunder? I suspect they'll actually be better this year than their last one in Seattle, simply because they will actually have a home-field advantage -- it's not like any visiting NBA team is going to want to play there.

But in terms of long-term success... can you imagine any free agent that would want to be there, or that Kevin Durant won't be packing his bags as soon as he can? I get that they've got some other pieces, but in terms of karma, they've salted the earth. And all of the media mouth jobs won't wash that away. (And no, I'm not linking to the Times' piece. Your blood pressure is high enough.)

World Series Diary: Game 3, Phillies-Rays

Small moments from what was going on during my NBA fantasy league draft prep (what, you think I'm going all hardcore in my bandwagon fan ways?)...

> As the Rays are announced, the Phillies played some odd children's novelty song about fish. I have no idea why.

> The game starts an hour and a half late, just so I don't have to miss anything from putting my kids to bed. Thanks, MLB!

> Jennifer, the girl who buys huge talking cameras from Circuit City? Let's just say that HD does no favors.

> In the bottom of the second, Carlos Ruiz goes yard in his effort to make sure that the pitcher doesn't lead off the next inning. Nice job, Carlos!

> You know, some year, both leagues of baseball are going to actually play by the same rules. And when they do... well, watching Jamie Moyer and Matt Garza "hit" isn't terribly entertaining.

> At least early, Moyer is getting the calls and looking like his regular season self. When he strikes out BJ Upton to end the third, five million Philly Fan males in their mid '40s and up, all across this nation, pumped their fists hard enough to pull something.

> I like David Bowie too, but doesn't Lincoln know that "Major Tom" never returns to his family, and that this might not be the thing I want from my new vehicle?

> The Rays really don't look, as a pitching staff, like they have a lot of experience holding base stealers in line. A possible drawback for AL teams... but then Garza-Navarro throws out Jimmy Rollins at second with relative ease. Curious.

> If Samsung really wants to sell me a cell phone based on a fake movie with two women... um, have the women kiss each other already. You're welcome.

> When Moyer brushes someone off the plate, do they ever charge the mound? I'm thinking no, because the ball never gets there fast enough to appear malevolent...

> Joe Buck seemed wildly amused by Philly Fan chanting "Eva" at Evan Longoria. Clearly, it doesn't take much to amuse Joe Buck.

> On a 3-1 count to Carl Crawford with 2 out and no on one in the fourth, Moyer continued to work quickly despite falling behind... and got Crawford to fly out weakly to left. That's confidence.

> How much would you have to be paid, Dear Reader, to watch "Role Models"? I'm betting it's less than "Frank TV." But similar, right?

For me, the bidding starts at... $40.

> New Joss Whedon series! Woo hoo! Eliza Dushku and Amy Acker! I can't wait until Fox screws Whedon over and cancels the series before it has a chance to do well...

> People talk about the running game, but in the bottom of the third, a caught stealing cost the Phillies a run. Worth remembering, if only because so many people seem to regard stolen bases as a panacea.

> Shane Victorino called out on strikes in the fourth, and Fox shows it as a strike on their pitch graphing thing. Which doesn't, it seem, have any adjustment for the height of the hitter. If that's a strike to Shane, he can forget about patience for the rest of this game.

> Through five, Moyer is damn near magical -- getting calls to expand the zone, jamming the lefties with 80 mph "heat", keeping every player off balance, and bringing a tear to the eye of everyone but the presumably existent Rays fans. Seriously, who doesn't love Jamie Moyer?

> Leaving off the fifth, Carlos Ruiz draws a walk. This, after a homer earlier. The Rays do know that Ruiz is a .220 hitter, right?

> At the end of five, it's 2-1 Phillies... and it feels like it could easily be 4-0. The Rays' run was borderline luck, the Phils ran themselves out of a run, and if Ryan Howard could ever make contact with a man on third... anyway. Deep breaths.

> What Moyer did to the Rays' lefties tonight was just textbook. In the sixth, he had Upton going back to the bag as he came home, while freezing Carlos Pena at the plate. Just nails.

> The final out of the sixth is Longoria hitting it a ton to left, but it doesn't carry at all, and Burrell settles under it in the warning track for the final out of the sixth. Moyer's reaction on the Fox cameras was priceless; no fist pump, nothing but a blink and a look down as the inning ends. Just another game, you see... and then he turns and extends his tongue like Gene Simmons, in the same look of relief that you might see from a Little Leaguer.

Again, I ask... who doesn't love Jamie Moyer?

> In the bottom if the inning, Chase Utley shows the Rays how to hit a home run by absolutely mashing one to right. 3-1 for the home team... and then Ryan Howard jumps into the Fox announcing booth to tell Joe Buck that he's a flaming idiot, as he mashes a hanging curve from Garza. Nearly the same place as Utley's ball, and it's 4-1.

> I know that a lot of people like "House." But every time I look at him, I just see the secondary comic lead from "Black Adder." Does anyone else have this problem?

> Moyer gets the ball in the seventh, and Crawford greets him with a great bunt. Jamie makes a fantastic play, but the umpire blows the call. Ouch. The Phillies get men up as Moyer works to Navarro, who eventually doubles on a 1-2 count, but Crawford doesn't score. Manuel leaves Moyer in to face Gross as all of Philadelphia starts gripping hard. He rips a ball to first, where Howard makes a great play to get the out at first... and that's all for Jamie.

> Chad Durbin comes in and gets a weak grounder from Jason Bartlett on the first pitch, but it's a run as Navarro scores. 4-3 Phillies.

> Final line for Moyer: 6.1 IP, 5 hits, 3 ER, 1 walk, 5 strikeouts. And if the umpire gets the call right, he's probably still working, with the chance to finish 7. He can win, he can't lose. And we can all love him unconditionally, and not live in mortal terror of him working in a Game 7. (OK, that's a lie. All Game Sevens are mortal terror.)

> Scott Eyre in for Durbin after a bad walk to Aybar. He gets ahead of Iwamura, then misses all the way to a full count. And that is what playoff baseball is... just maddening. Eyre then blows Iwamura away to end the inning.

> I dream, in my lifetime, of not hearing someone sing "God Bless America" in the seventh inning stretch.

People, it's a baseball game. And the moment in a baseball game where we get up off our lazy asses and discover just how much our asses have atrophied. It's not a patriotic moment; it's a moment where we celebrate the fact that we are goofing off work and eating crap. We sing a song about that. Not America. Enough.

> I know things have gone badly for America this month, but are we all that excited about a free taco? That's, um, 20 cents of bad food there, people. Move along.

> In the bottom of the seventh, Chad Bradford gets a 1-2-3 inning, as he is wont to do. This one will come down to whether Madson and Lidge can get six outs with no runs. If you like tight games, this is your Series.

> This fall, Jack Bauer will save cute black kids. Why do I suspect that this is the year that the "24" ratings go through the floorboards?

> Upton leads off the eighth inning with an infield hit, and it's Deep Breath time. He should be able to steal a base off Madson, or just distract him enough to make a mistake. And for the second straight hitter, he goes down 2-0... battles back to 2-2 with pure filth... and goes full again. It's a good thing I'm not a Phillies fan, or I'd be a basket case... as Pena whiffs on ball four. Lucky.

> Upton steals second easily on ball one to Longoria. Mr. Upton is going to make a lot of money playing baseball... and he steals third and scores on a bounced throw. Gahhhh.

> Longoria grounds out to second on a play that would have scored Upton from third, not that this will mollify anyone. A blown save for Madson.

> "Four Christmases" with Vince Vaungh and Reese Witherspoon? I'm starting the bidding at... $30. Only because I suspect it'd be short.

> Burger King is trying to rip off "Flight of the Conchords." I can't imagine this will actually work as an ad campaign, but what the hell, it's not Howard Eskin accosting strangers. It's a step up, really.

> J.C. Romero gets Crawford to fly out on the first pitch, and we're to the bottom of the eighth, with the heart of the Phillies lineup

> Is anyone else offended by the idea that steelworkers and roadies can do everything better than, well, the people who already do these jobs? I've been a musician; most roadies, um, kinda suck. Even if they do have walkie-talkie phones. And if firefighters were in Congress, they'd probably just set the damned building on fire. (I know, I know, most of y'all think that's a step up...)

> Bradford walks Werth on four pitches to start the eighth and end his night. It's a damn shame that Werth doesn't run the bases like Upton, really.

> Howell in to face Utley and Howard, with Balfour warming up. Note, for the record, that Maddon probably can't use Electric David Price, due to the 45 pitches he had him throw in Game Two. Hunch Managers can kill you.

> Very, very ballsy... Werth steals second, and just makes it. Navarro with another very good throw, but the Phils are high-percentage base stealers for a reason... and then Utley chases ball four for the whiff, and Werth gets picked off second. Gahhhhhh. Phillies running themselves out of innings tonight, while the Rays run themselves into runs. Howard strikes out looking to end the inning, and it's tied going into the ninth.

> Romero starts the ninth, not Lidge, as Manuel treats this like a game, rather than an opportunity to start experimenting. A 3-pitch strikeout of Navarro starts it. Romero gets neither of the first two calls on Gross, then gets him on a 2-1 roller to Utley. Manuel stays with Romero despite Bartlett's good numbers against lefties, and Ruiz shows off with yet another great block on a 1-2 bouncer. The count goes full as Bartlett holds off on a slider, and Bartlett nearly hurts himself with a foul ball. It's hair pulling time in the stands, but Romero gets the routine grounder to Rollins, and we're to the bottom of the ninth, with the Phils needing a run to win.

> The bidding on "YESMan".... $50. Just because Jim Carrey hasn't been funny for a really, really long time, and repeating the words "Red Bull" that many times might require therapy.

> Bruntlett starts the ninth by getting ahead 2-0. Balfour warming again.. and on a 2-1 pitch, Bruntlett takes one for the team, off the back of the leg. That's it for Howell, and it's Bunt Time for Victorino (to set up Feliz / Dobbs for the Hero Role. Pack a lunch, folks, because this will take five minutes or more...

> Just enough time for Fox to tell us the time! Riveting television!

> Many changes that probably won't matter, and it comes down to Victorino versus Balfour, Bunt Time. Strike one on a nice pitch away... and then the Rays self-destruct with a Balfour wild pitch, a Navarro wild throw, and Bruntlett is on third with no outs. Wow, wow, wow.

> Balfour completes the walk to Victorino. Speaking of which, all hail Shane for getting out of the way of the wild pitch, because that really should have hit him... and if it had, it's just first and second with no outs, rather than the man getting to third.

> Dobbs hits for Feliz, and Maddon is going to walk him and face Ruiz with five infielders. As a Phillies fan, I'm all for this play, in that it gives me a reliever with control issues with no margin for error. Hell, on ball two, Balfour nearly bounced it. It's on Ruiz.

> Stairs on deck to hit for Romero. Ball one, high. Ruiz chases ball two, a high fastball, to even the count. Balfour humps up with a 96 mph fastball to get strike two. He's shaking Navarro off a lot, and Ruiz fights off another 96 mph fastball to foul it off. Ball 2, up and away -- everything up, which is somewhat promising... and at 1:47 am, Ruiz chops a swinging bunt down the line. Longoria bare hands and throws wildly home as Bruntlett scores, and the Phillies win 5-4.

Just your average five and a half hour long ball game, folks, Had 'em all along. See you again tonight...

Today's Obvious NBA Snark Moment

The NBA has announced that the Maloof casino in Vegas can take NBA bets, so long as they don't take bets on their Sacremento Kings.

So... the Kings are still in the NBA?

Today's Video Moment For Phillies Fan

Don't be Strindberg. The series is tied.

Epic Drop: Top 10 reasons why Daunte Culpepper is reconsidering his retirement

The link is here, and his obvious failures notwithstanding.... really, can someone tell me why Culpepper is out of the league, but the following no-talents:

Dan Orlovsky
Ryan Fitzpatrick
Brad Johnson
Seneca Wallace / Charlie Frye
Everything Wearing a Chiefs Jersey

Is a better idea that a guy with a 64% career completion percentage, good size, who can throw a deep ball. I realize he's got mobility and health issues, throws picks and fumbles, and once trashed his entire franchise with a boat trip. But come on, people... look at that list again. All of those guys have jobs. Why not Culpepper?

Epic Drop: Top 11 takeaways from World Series Game One

A more or less traditional game day breakdown sports list. I know, I'm as surprised as you, really.

NFL Picks, Week 8: Knee Deep In The Grind

There's no better time for a sports fan than mid-October. You've got the World Series, the NFL, college football, the start of the NHL and NBA seasons, and cheerleaders in fetishistic costumes. It is, I am convinced, the only thing that keeps people from completely freaking out over political stuff.

It's also a pure grind time for blogging, because here I am, post midnight again, with (many) paragraphs to go before I sleep. Last week, we continued to pay the rent and do noble work with an 8-6 week, lifting us to 14 games over even money. Just call me Shooter Knish. And now, on to the picks!

TAMPA at Dallas (-2)

Two forces at work here -- Tampa not being worth a bucket of warm spit on the road, against a cratering Dallas team. Subplots here include The Brad Johnson Vengeance Game, Jeff Garcia's historic pwning of the Cowboys, and the sudden and shocking collapse of the Dallas defense. There's also the additional worry that Warrick Dunn, the Bucs' most effective RB this year (and who saw that coming?), could miss the game. But given the Cowboys injuries, I don't think it's going to matter... and since I'm picking an NFC South team on the road, bet the farm the other way. I hate this division.

Bucs 24, Cowboys 16

WASHINGTON at Detroit (+7.5)

Detroit actually got a road cover last week against Houston, while the Redskins struggled mightily against the Browns at home, finally holding on for an ugly win. Can the Lions actually break through against a 'Skins team that really hasn't played a good game since beating the Eagles, and that was a while ago. Can they possibly get the upset? No... and I kind of hate picking the Lions to cover, too. The Washington defense doesn't score or get a lot of turnovers, but the friskiness the Lions showed was against the godawful Texans' defense. Washington is better than that.

Redskins 24, Lions 16

BUFFALO at Miami (+1)

The 5-1 Bills go to Miami to face the puzzling Fish, who followed up back to back wins over New England and San Diego with back to back losses to Houston and Baltimore. Which team shows up in this one? The losing one, because they can't defend Lee Evans, and when you can't do that, Marshawn Lynch kills you.

Buffalo 24, Miami 17

ST. LOUIS at New England (-7.0)

After back to back wins over the once-mighty NFC East, the Rams go on the road to New England, where the Patriots took advantage of an awful Broncos performance to make them feel much better about themselves. Make no mistake -- the Rams aren't a good team -- but I'm thinking the short week, absence of Rodney Harrison, and the Rams taking a little bit better control of the ball will help them get to the cover. Watch for rookie Rams WR Donnie Avery to do some damage here against the suspect Pats' secondary, but only if the Rams can keep fragile QB Marc Bulger upright. If franchise RB Stephen Jackson can play, I think they'll do just that.

Patriots 20, Rams 17

SAN DIEGO "at" New Orleans (+3), in London

Two wildly disappointing teams that both need the win badly. The Chargers slept their way through a power-free game in Buffalo, and it says something to how depressed Charger Fan is about the sudden deterioration of LaDanian Tomlinson that there isn't even a movement to fire Nor Turner. The Saints looked to be getting back on track with healthy star pass catchers Jeremy Shockey and Marques Colston getting back last week in Carolina... only to see the former get hurt and the latter provide nothing. One crush job later, they're in the muck.

So who the hell wins this thing? I'm going with the Chargers, just because with Reggie Bush on the shelf, I think Drew Brees is finally starting to run out of people to throw the ball to. Plus, the last time the NFL inflicted a game on us from Wembley Stadium, it was a slow dog track, and that helps the Chargers more than it does the Saints. But don't be fooled, fellow degenerates -- this is a pure Stay The Hell Away Game.

Chargers 23, Saints 17

Kansas City at NY JETS (-13)

The last of the Good Time Games for the NY Bretts, who should run for over 200 yards and have wacky fun times against the I-AA Chiefs. The only way New York doesn't win this game is if they're dumb enough to throw the ball, and if Favre is dumb enough to throw picks. Even if that happens, Kansas City will be without noted piece of crap Larry Johnson, and probably working with QB3 Tyler Thigpen. Woof.

Jets 31, Chiefs 14

ATLANTA at Philadelphia (-9)

I've lost enough picks on this Falcons' team to even think about a big number here. Sure, the Eagles will get their points, but it's not as if Michael Turner and Jerious Norwood will be completely stopped, and while Matt Ryan might make some bad mistakes against those ever-exotic Eagle blitzes, he's done too much against other defenses to expect him to deliver the Full Hoying. Besides, the Eagles are good at keeping teams around, especially since David Akers can't make any field goal from distance.

Eagles 28, Falcons 20

ARIZONA at Carolina (-4)

Do you believe in the West Coast team with the 1pm EST start time curse? The evidence is all that way now, and after Carolina spanked the Saints at home, you'd be foolish to go with the road team... but the Cardinals are off the bye, they get back Anquan Boldin this week, Steve Breaston's looked good as well... and for heaven's sake, the Panthers are incredibly erratic in their own right. As Groucho Marx says in "Horse Feathers," I have to stay here, but there's no reason you have to.

Cardinals 27, Panthers 24

Oakland at BALTIMORE (-7.5)

The Raiders come west for... a 1pm kickoff! Against a Ravens team that rediscovered the running game last week, against an Oakland defense that gave up 200 yards on the ground while *winning*. Hard to do, Harry. Look for Baltimore to use Willis McGahee early and often, and for their defense to put points on the board directly late. If I were so moved to make Locks of the Week, this would be the game. That's just how very, very stupid the Raiders coaching is, and how little chance they've got on the road against a good and aggressive defense.

Ravens 24, Raiders 10

CINCINNATI at Houston (-9.5)

Ryan Fitzpatrick! Cedric Benson! And a surprisingly competent defense, all leading to a team that keeps covering, except when they really, really don't, like they did last week at home against Pittsburgh. I'm actually looking for them to cover this number, as Houston kept even the Lions around last week, and really can't defend the pass. If the home team isn't careful, they could even lose this game. But they won't, because when the chips are down, the Bengals will remember that they really, really want to get Marvin Lewis fired.

Texans 31, Bengals 27

Cleveland at JACKSONVILLE (-7)

Shh... the Jaguars are starting to look like themselves again, and they are at home off the bye. Against a Browns team that had its moment in the sun against the Giants, I'm thinking they'll run early and often. It also doesn't hurt matters at all that David Garrard is starting to look much more like his Expert Game Manager Self. Finally, they lost Matt Jones this week to a league-mandated suspension for off-season cocaine stupidity. Given tht Matt Jones is a moron and not very productive, look for a surge from the team from his absence.

Jaguars 23, Browns 13

NY Giants at PITTSBURGH (-3)

Not a good matchup at all for the road team. They don't get to the quarterback very well, which is deadly against Big Ben. By not getting to him enough, they also open up Heath Miller as a target, adding to the matchup troubles. What they do best on offense is wear teams down with the running game; that doesn't usually work against the Steelers, especially on the road. Finally, the Pittsburgh home crowd is loud and proud, and I've never really bought into the idea that the Giants were Mystic Road Warriors. Should be a good and tight game, but I like the home team here.

Steelers 24, Giants 20

Seattle at SAN FRANCISCO (-5)

There's no truth to the rumor that watching this game counts as time served or community service. But maybe it should be. Do you pick the gutless team that never shows up on the road and has no QB, or the turnover machine QB with the rookie head coach and the questionable talent level? I'm going with the latter, under the Jim Haslett theory that when you have a bad team that's quit on its coach, they're going to have a brief burst of professionalism to impress the new guy.

Niners 23, Seahawks 16

Indianapolis at TENNESSEE (-4)

Perhaps the week's most intriguing game, as the last unbeaten team is at home for the fading power in the division. The Colts looked like they had righted the ship after a trashing of the Ravens, then soiled the sheets on the road in Green Bay. Tennessee played happy bully against the I-AA Chiefs.

I've held a light in the candle for this Colts team for a long time this year, but the simple fact is that only the Ravens game counts as a quality win rather than an escape. They don't scare anyone without Bob Sanders on defense, their running game hasn't been good all year, and so long as they keep trying to pretend that Marvin Harrison is better than Anthony Gonzalez... well, it's not going to work out for them. This game won't, either.

Titans 24, Colts 17

Last week: 8-6

Year to date: 55-41-2

The Series Pick

Twenty eight years ago, the Phillies, fresh off an NLCS that I still think might have been the most exciting playoff series ever played, opened up the World Series at home against the Royals. The Game One started wasn't ace Steve Carlton, but their #5 starter, Bob Walk. In front of the home faithful, Walk fell behind 4-0, but held on as the offense bailed him out. He worked seven innings and got the win, setting up Game Two for ace lefty Steve Carlton. After another Phillies comeback, the home team lead 2-0, with Carlton getting the win.

There was an ease about Carlton that was palpable. His best pitch, a slider, was rarely a strike; it produced whiffs and feeble ground outs. He worked quickly and without emotion, and had led them for most of a decade. When he was on, it was as if the batter simply wasn't there. He won four Cy Youngs in a decade, and might have been the second-best starting lefty in MLB history, behind only Warren Spahn.

They expected to win behind him, and most of the time, they did.

Cole Hamels reminds me so much of Carlton, I keep expecting him to stop talking to the media, develop freaky Zionist conspiracy theories, and go live as a hermit in Colorado. (There's just something about left-handers, really.)

The first game of the World Series is, in this era of baseball, absolutely essential. With the 2-3-2 travel plan and the better league having home field (the All Star Game coin flip notwithstanding, the simple reality is that the Coke/Pepsi BOS-NYY Salary War has ensured a higher standard for AL teams for most of a decade now, as the won-loss record in interleague has proven), it's absolutely imperiative for the NL team to take home field in the first two games. There's just too much pressure on the trailing team to overcome a series deficit on the road for the final two games.

The Rays are from the better league, have home field, and are playing as free and loose as you possibly can at this point in the season. The Phillies are carrying 25 years of failure in the uniforms, along with the collective Win Or We'll Cry Forever baggage of their entire metropolitan era. The Rays are also more balanced, hand-wise, on offense than the Phils, and have more lights-out plus arms than just about any team in baseball. Finally, there's this: long layoffs at this point of the year are rarely good for a team. See the Tigers against the Cardinals, or the Rockies against the Red Sox. You don't want a ton of time off in October.

However, the Rays have one very large problem.

They don't have Cole Hamels.

The Phillies' left-handed has been dominant in the post-season after being a borderline Cy Young candidate in the regular season. By the numbers, he had a 3.09 ERA with a 1.08 WHIP in a bandbox in the first 162 games. In the playoffs, he's 3-0, 1.23 ERA, 0.86 WHIP. When they've needed him in the postseason, he's simply been better than anyone else working in MLB this month. When he's needed strike three, he's delivered -- with a slider that's got such good late movement, he's even fooling the umpires with it. Go ask Jeff Kent how much fun it was to go against him with money on the table.

He also gets the ball tonight.

Facing him is Scott Kazmir, who, I am certain, will own the Phillies... for about 5 to 6 innings. After that, his pitch count will be problematic, and maybe the Rays will make a critical defensive mistake -- they gave the Red Sox seven extra outs with errors in the ALCS, which made that series much more dramatic than it had to be. They'll also go to a deep but undefined bullpen with a manager (Joe Maddon) who was near Grady Little on the Shaky Level in the ALCS.

When the dust settles, the Phillies will have a one game lead. The Rays will be a little tighter. And the AL Mystique will be broken.

In Game Two, I'm expecting a sloppier game, with Brett Myers facing James Shields. The road team will swing the bats better against the right-hander, and if they give Myers any kind of lead early, he'll pitch like a guy with a ton of ability, rather than the special needs child that he frequently resembles. Both teams will attempt to run more, but Carlos Ruiz is better at cutting down that aspect of the game than Dioner Navarro, and the Phillies are simply the most efficient base stealing team in MLB. I think there's a very good chance that they go back to Philly up 2-0, which is good -- because they are going to need the wiggle room.

In Game Three, the Rays have their most pronounced pitching edge of the series. ALCS hero Matt Garza will face aged lefty Jamie Moyer, who was beyond useless against the Dodgers. At home and against a Rays team that will be in Win Or Die Mode, I think he falters -- unless Garza is a shot fighter after his marathon effort against the Sox. In any event, this is the game that I think the Rays win.

Game Four will have Philly Fan clamoring for the return of Hamels, as the schedule gives us Andy Sonnastine against Joe Blanton. Charlie Manuel will not cave, despite the specter of not having Hamels available for a Game Seven, because Manuel just doesn't care what people think of his moves (witness Myers being his closer last year). It will also pay off for him, as Blanton will keep the ball in the yard and the Phillies will capitalize on the hittable Sonnanstine (24 homers in 206 IP this year, and right-handed to boot). In the true turn game of the Series, the Phillies' bats will carry the day.

Game Five is as close to a double-elimination game as you can get, before Game Seven. The Phils will be doing everything possible to end it without going back to Cowbell Hell. THe Rays will grip the bats too tight. Scott Kazmir will give up some walks to the howling mob.

And the Phillies will have Hamels, 28 years and 6 days after Carlton won the town its only baseball world championship, to win the second.

Phillies in five.

Epic Drop: Top 11 Reasons Why ESPN's Bill Simmons Still Hasn't Written About ALCS Game 7

Fun hate here, as I've noticed the mighty quiet from your favorite Bad Tooth and mine.

Look, I get the desire to go hide when your team loses. But it's, well, damn near gutless, especially when you go for some 5,000 words earlier in the series, when it was going well for you. If you're going to talk, talk -- good times and bad.

The Prodigal

So here we are, a day before the World Series begins in Tampa, Florida, with my old team (the Phillies) the mild underdog to the Upstart Rays.

A fine word, Upstart, and not just because it makes my brain fire off its Marx Brothers ganglions from "Duck Soup." Here, won't you join me in the tangent. (Skip ahead to four minutes, but only if you're in a hurry. The Hot Stove riposte has always been one of my favorites.)



Anyway... I'm an ex-Phillies fan. In the mid '90s, after the Mitch Williams Experience and the slow dissolve of the Blue Snow Team of Dykstra, Hollins, Kruk, Incaviglia and Eisenreich (I'm omitting Schilling in the same way that you omit family relations that later did time for cause), the team simply stopped trying. They held their breath and played the Small Market Blues (never mind that they live and work in a top five media market with, as it is clearly apparent now, oodles of cash), and the few players that didn't stink on ice got out of town as fast as they could. There's no way that you can tell me that the franchise was making an honest effort to actually win baseball games in those days. It was easier, far easier, to lie back and turtle up for the dominant Braves teams and wait for a new yard.

There was also The Strike. And well, baseball did not recover in Philadelphia for a very long time after that. The NFL moved into the vacuum with a vengeance, and instead of the Eagles gradually taking over the consciousness around mid August (say, when pre-season games started), it got more like early July. If the Sixers or Flyers went deep into the post-season, it was almost as if the Phillies didn't exist at all.

I gave up on baseball. Entirely. I was an obsessed musician, and after that petered out from band turnover and the simple reality that the world didn't hear our songs that way that we did... well, that drive got turned over to work and family and writing. (Books, then much later, this blog.) If I ever wanted to turn on a baseball game, the Yankee Dynasty cured me of that with a quickness.

Then, we moved to the West Coast for my career and (what felt like) for good. So my Philles fandom wasn't only over, it was dead and buried. They closed the Vet, and that was that. The coffin was buried, no words were said, and I wasn't watching any baseball, let alone the Phillies.

Then, a funny thing happened. On a lark, my wife and I took our tiny little girl to an Oakland A's game. And that team -- the Chavez/Tejada/Giambi pre-Moneyball club, the one that could actually swing the bats in addition to having exciting young starting pitchers -- sucked me right back in.

Here was a club that played in a cheap old dump (Oakland Alameda is basically the Vet with grass). The fans had chips on their shoulders from being the second-class citizens to the Giants... much in the same way that Philles Fan chafes over the Mets (and to a lesser extent, the Eagles). Unlike the scumbags that had been taking MLB revenue sharing money without making any kind of effort, they won games, made great trades, and generally seemed smarter than the other meatheads in the baseball GM ranks. They were the perfect team to drag me back in.

And then I got an invite to restart my fantasy sports addiction, which had been dormant for 15 years or more, back into my college years when I wanted to be, well, a sportswriter.

Flash forward to now. After many good years, some heartbreaking playoffs, and a partial season ticket plan, the A's have become, for all intents and purposes, the Phillies of the mid-90s -- a team that makes salary dump trades of the players they hit on in development, only to tell you that no, no, it's not a fire sale, honest.

I've moved 3,000 miles away from them for my career, and don't expect to ever see my team in person again.

My kids don't really care about sports, so it's not like I have to defend my serisl baseball adultery.

Rooting for the Mets is like punching yourself.

Rooting for the Yankees, given the lingering memories of the Freaking Jeremy Giambi Slide Play, is like rooting for the guy who used to punch you.

Rooting for your fantasy league guys, at least in the playoffs, is pretty close to meaningless.

Not watching baseball at all, given the blog's existence, isn't really an option, either.

So, um... er... go Phillies. I'm with you all the way. With the fury of... a twice-divorced fan, who should be old enough to know better, and who will never root for you with a hundreth of the intensity that he had back in the day.

Yay, Team!

Last round for the MLB Pick 'Em Contest

As always, post your pick in the comments. Everything doubles here, so a perfect pick in the Series is worth 120 points... a big swing is still possible.

Simon - 195
Bullet - 190
Al - 155
Liston - 135
Shooter - 110
Brian - 85
Truth - 80
Will - 75
HHR - 30
Chief - 25

Follow Up File

Hey, remember Jerome McDougle, the one-time Eagles first round pick who was released before the end of training camp and picked up by the division rival Giants?

Philly Fan was absolutely, positively convinced for a few days there (especially in the netherworld of Grouse Radio) that Ol' Stiffie was going to turn his entire career for our hated rivals. With his impressive 2008 preseason and obvious physical gifts, he was going to be the second coming of Cris Carter, only on defense.

Anyway, you know how this ends, right?

Three active games, with one solo tackle, for the 29-year-old. He's been a healthy scratch for the Giants other games.

Leaving me with the final question... which seems stupider to you: our political discourse, or our sports talk?

Epic Drop: Top 10 reasons for Philly Fan to hate the Rays

Here's today's link, which, is read carefully, will contain almost nothing about tonight's complete stinker of a MNF game. I can't believe I stayed awake through it, really...

Just to make a certain Steeler Fan hurt all over...

Owner Dan Rooney, campaigning for Barack Obama, along with the Steelworkers.

Well, we all knew that the Dems had the gay vote sewn up. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

(And in the interest of Equal Time, Dolphins owner Wayne Huzienga says he's selling the team if Obama wins, due to those hideous tax raises on middle-class NFL owners. Given the Fish's overall record under the Blockbuster Cockblocker, I think this also counts as an endorsement...)

My candidate for the 2008 Cowboys Highlight Reel Song

NSFW or kids, of course. That's some real conversation for your ass...

NFL Roundup: How 'bout them Cowboys?

There's pleasant, there's fun, there's riotously enjoyable, and then there's the Cowboys getting absolutely dominated in a game they were supposed to win going away... and picking the game correctly to boot.

Oh, and Jerry Jones? Excellent use of the trade deadline, sir. Your acquisition of Roy Williams,, and the immediate long-term contract that you signed him to, in a week where he contributed nothing against a breathtakingly bad secondary... truly, sir, you have never occupied a warmer place in my heart.

The simple fact of the Cowboys right now is that there is no part of this team -- even the presumably dominant offensive line -- that can be counted on. Tony Romo was clearly making that group look better then they are (Brad Johnson was sacked five times today by the previously punchless Rams defense). Marion Barber got his 100 yards, but a lot of it was on one run. Felix Jones made that OL look better too -- and he's out for a few more games. The defense got killed on the ground. The secondary wasn't the huge issue here, but only because the Rams were content to play conservative and kill them with Stephen Jackson.

What's next? Well, let's face it... Jones just tried to fix a team with a bad back-up quarterback and secondary with another wideout. He even got him from Matt Millen's old team, to complete the transition. In post-game comments, Jones was blunt in his unhappiness.

He can't release players. And he just spent his Sunday watching a team that fired its coach on its bye week come back with two unexpected wins against presumably better clubs. Everyone also knows that Wade Phillips is on a Win Or Else leash after the past two playoff washouts. Finally, thanks to the Giants surviving the Niners today, they are two games back in the division, and in real trouble for making the playoffs.

Would Jones fire the coach? Will Romo come back next week at home against the Bucs, even if it's not a very good idea? Will Owens melt down? Is someone (Bill Cowher) getting a phone call with a Name Your Price offer?

Honestly, there's nothing these guys won't try or do. Which is, well, why today was such a gift from Heaven...

> As for the Rams... well, heck. They've won two in a row, and they play in a division with the Niners and and Seahawks. Start thinking playoffs, baby!

> Just when you thought the AFC was getting back to normal... the Colts go to Green Bay and played abysmal football, the Chargers get worked in Buffalo with LaDanian Tomlinson looking spent, Miami returning to seed at home against a presumably reeling Ravens team, the Raiders taking out the Jets in overtime... yeesh.

> So all hail your Titan Overlords, the Last Unbeaten Team, and the club that no one outside of Tennessee really and truly believes in. Maybe we should, given that they've got a dominant defense and some really good work going on in the running game -- they carried the ball 40 times for 332 yards today, albeit against the I-AA Chiefs. People call Kerry Collins a game manager, but he's more than that, given the strength of his arm and the fact that he's won some playoff games and gone to a Super Bowl.

But still, it's hard to shake the idea that some club is going to put together a good game and show all of the reasons why no one thought the Titans were going to go to the playoffs this year, let alone have a three-game lead in the division. Next week at home against the Colts should be Highly Interesting.

> By the box score, today's 29-17 Giants win over the Niners was by the book and easy; the only reason the Niners were even in the game was their second straight week with a blocked field goal returned for a touchdown. But having watched most of the game today, I saw something different.

Shh... you remember Old Eli, the guy who made bad reads and gave the other team a lot of chances to make interceptions? He's back....

The Giants won this game because the Niners are, make no mistake, a terrible team. The defense did the job on Frank Gore (11 carries for 11 yards), and they ran the ball 29 times for 126 yards and two touchdowns. But Manning was only 16 for 31 despite having all kinds of time and places to throw to, and this game was close until JT O'Sullivan made sure it wasn't. The NFC East is wide open, people.

> Continuing the Winless Dream at home today were your Cincinnati Bengals. How bad is this team? Cedric Benson qualified as the Bright Spot. They didn't sack Ben Roethlisberger, and everyone gets to sack him. They gave up 120 yards rushing to Mewelde Moore. Their fans are selling the tickets as fast as they can.

So, um... what does Marvin Lewis have to do to get fired?

> The wackiest game of the day might have been in Chicago, where the Bears rode their No Boring Outcome defense to a 48-41 win over the Vikings. This game might have single-handedly saved the year for a guy in my points league, who had Bernard Berrian (81 yards and a touch), Adrian Peterson (130 combined yards and 2 touchdowns), Greg Olsen (74 and a touch) and the Chicago defense (3 touchdowns, 2 sacks and 4 picks countered by 41 points allowed). Not exactly what anyone expected, really.

In between all of that was the continuing emergence of Kyle Orton, who tossed up another 283 yards, 2 touchdowns and no turnover game. If anyone has ever seen a previously terrible quarterback become reasonable this quickly... well, I can't remember it.

> If picking games in the NFC South were a fight, it would have been stopped by now on cuts. At least the Bucs were able to take out the awful, awful Seabags; it feels like the first right call that I've made in that division this year.

As for the Saints' um, effort in Carolina... well. at least their next game on the road is in London against the Chargers. So both teams can not show up for that one...

> The late game here in the Man Cave was the Raiders taking out the Jets in overtime, in a game that should have had Jets Fan tearing his hair out. On a day where they got 159 yards (!) from Thomas Jones, Brett Favre went back to terrible, with 2 back-breaking picks and bad accuracy (21 of 38). The Raiders took away the Jet wideouts (Laverneous Coles had 4 catches for 51 yards, while Jerricho Cotchery was made complete invisible with 1 catch for no yards by Nnamdi Asommugha).

But the really notable thing to me in this game was how the Raiders won it; it will tell you that they aren't going to win very often. With three minutes let in regulation, the home team went ahead on a 37-yard Sebastian Janikowski field goal. On the next drive, the Raiders defense allowed Favre to escape pressure for a miracle conversion, and failed to make the plays (i.e., dropping interceptions) that would have prevented a tying Jay Feely 52 yarder.

Oh, and they also did that irritating Ice The Kicker thing, on a Feely miss. Can someone please, for the love of football, stop this already?

In overtime, JeMarcus Russell finally made a play to Zach Miller (like all bad QBs, he over-relies on the tight end). Three downs from there, after some remarkably conservative playcalling given that they were only on the Jets 40, the Raiders send Janikowski out to make a 57 yarder. Miraculously, he does it for the win. Had he missed, you have to think the Jets would have been able to move the ball 15 to 20 yards for the win from there, but never mind. It's not like you keep the coaching job in Raider Land from your intellect.

Jets Fan, you just lost a game to a team with a special needs coach. Sure hope that you don't need this game later...

Epic Drop: Top 11 consolations for Boston / Red Sox Fan

Just the link, folks. The Varitek as Old Yeller joke is something I've been sitting on for most of a week...

ALCS Thoughts

> Anyone who saw Matt Garza outpitching Jon Lester in a Game Seven... you're lying.

> Coco Crisp, if he goes to the bag instead of the man in the eighth, is probably safe.

> Whenever you use five pitchers in an inning, it's scary. Especially when one of them is Chad Bradford.

> Youkilis swings at ball four in the eighth. Not exactly Greek God Of Walks there... but he walks on the next pitch anyway. And it's all on a rookie against a guy (JD Drew) who has been Mr. Clutch for the past two years... and Price treats them like the piece of garbage that he is. Beautiful.

> I watched Mark Kotsay for years in Oakland. Seeing him get eaten alive by David Price... didn't surprise me. Some things, even laundry can't change.

> Price against Varitek was like watching an old animal getting killed by something remorseless and young. Which is, well, what it was.

> The next time you hear about how important it is to have experience to be a closer, think back to Price tonight. Experience is nice. Throwing in the high 90s with movement is, um, better.

And at 11:40 pm EST, on a ground ball from Jed Lowrie that Akinori Iwamura wisely did not choose to throw, the Red Sox Were Killed. Finally, with a stake in the heart, a decapitation of the head, with holy wafers and garlic stuffed in the head, and the head exposed to direct sunlight.

Matt Garza and David Price -- you're getting laid!

Update - Simon on Sports has your yummy, yummy Red Sox player tears. Youkilis, your tears are so yummy!

Tonight's Only SNF Thought

How much did John Madden enjoy missing this 20-10 snoozefest, and will the existence of it -- and the likely brutal ratings that it got against Game 7 of the ALCS?

Seriously, NBC needs to have Flex Game Power every week of the year. There is no earthly reason why the nation needed to see Seneca Wallace play quarterback.

Seriously, no benefit

On the off chance that you are thinking that the long ALCS is going to make for a pronounced edge for the Phillies in the upcoming series... um, no.

The series starts on Wednesday in the AL home park. Assuming the Sox complete the comeback and that they don't have an extra-inning bloodbath in tonight's Game 7, they'll hve Dice-K Matsuzaka start on five days of rest in Game 1. Then, they could go for Josh Beckett on four days rest in Game 2, and Jon Lester in Game 3 on Saturday the 25th in Philadelphia, again on five days of rest. Depending on where the series is at for Game 4, they'll either try Tim Wakefield on an eternity of rest (not that a knuckleballer needs it), or try Dice on three days. There's really no difference between this rotation set-up and what they've done in the Tampa series.

If Tampa wins, it's pretty similar -- once again, assuming that there isn't a bloodbath game tonight. Scott Kazmir would work Game 1 on five days of rest, followed by Andy Sonnastine in Game 2, on something like eight days of rest. Saturday's Game 3 gives you James Shields on the road with six days of rest, and Game Four brings back Matt Garza. It just won't be a factor.

Meanwhile, the Phillies will have that whole "Too Much Rest?" issue going on, and assuming they don't sweep in Boston -- they'll go to Jamie Moyer and Joe Blanton in the home games.

Oh, and two final points to remember... the 2-3-2 breakdown means that the Phillies will absolutely have to split the first two games (or better) to win the Series, and it's really hard to see how they do that in either of those stadiums. It's especially hard to see how they do that if they lose Game One with Cole Hamels, given how skittish Brett Myers has (and can) be, especially in a pressure situation. Oh, and it would be the first time that Myers works in Boston since The Incident with His Wife. Good luck with that, Brett.

Mercy Killing

Brett Favre was asked about returning next season, and he said he won’t make that decision until next year. “We’ll take it week to week,” the Jets’ quarterback said Wednesday. “At the end of the season, I’ll take a look at … I’ll assess how I played this year and talk with the Jets and we’ll see from there. I think it’s way premature to even think about next season.”

Look, this is the only way this ends. Some defensive player has to come free on a blitz from the blind side. He's going to have to hit Saint Brett by leading with the helmet, right in the vertebrae, with maximum speed and ferocity. Favre will then have to be taken off on the stretcher, and be permanently paralyzed, if not actually dead.

In the hospital, someone else will then have to take him out.

And when that happens, of course, someone will then move the body...

Just in case you were wondering...

about the time stamps of these posts... the eldest is having a sleepover with multiple guests.

Which, of course, contains no sleep, and is more or less a completely defensible excuse for multiple homicide. Or proof that in past and present lives, I've been a terrible, terrible human being.

So yes, it is 4am. And yes, the children are awake. And no, nothing good has ever happened at 4am. And this will never, ever happen again...

Execution

As part of my role as the World's Oldest Sports Blogger, I need to point out the following: Bernard Hopkins is older than me. By a substantial amount.

He is, in fact, 43 years of age, and while part of that time (nearly 5 years) was spent in state custody for armed robbery -- and hence, not being spent in the meat grinder world of the ring -- that's still an absurd age to be in a boxing ring for money.

Tonight, he ensured that he can continue to pursue that profession. And then some.

Against a highly regarded fighter in his prime (Kelly Pavlik), The Executioner didn't just survive. He dominated. It went the distance, and was never in doubt.

Here's how good Hopkins is: in 54 fights, he's never been knocked out. He's only been knocked down twice. He's 49-5-1, and might be the best that's ever been at his age.

Now, I don't get too much into boxing; it's a fine thing in person when you can get deep into the live event, red meat vice of it all... but if you're looking for anything more than Human Cockfight, it's a hard sport to deal with. People who know what they are doing are relatively rare. Like basketball, the quality of the opponent is paramount; you can watch the best boxer in the world, but if he's paired up against someone useless, it's not going to be very good.

But still, think about the scope of the accomplishment here. At an age where most of us are just trying to avoid stepping up in pants size, Hopkins is beating the crap out of guys that are 16 years younger than him. In over fifteen professional hours in a ring against people trying to take his head off, he's never been stopped.

As the man himself said, after the fight but before the scores were read, "I'm tired of proving myself." Somehow, I'm thinking that won't be an issue for a while.

D-U-I. D-U-H.

And as Boston was continuing to add to their lineage as the New Overlords, far away from the maddening crowds, Joba Chamberlain was doing what morons do at 1am.

Namely, drinking and driving and speeding.

Now, I'm not going to completely kill the guy for this. He's 23 and a pampered athlete who almost lost his father last summer. We don't know if he was truly hammered or just over the limit, if the open container was a light beer or a 40 ounce bottle bag, and if the speeding was 5 over the limit with an expensive car in a cash-strapped area, or something a lot more than that. Hell, we don't even know if any of this is true. It's not as if a trooper has never seen a famous name on a driver's license and decided to up the ante.

But there's one thing I do know. Bad franchises get to be bad franchises by needing overly young and/or questionable character guys to do, and be, everything. And right now, Chamberlain is the only guy on the Yankee roster with the stuff to be a #1 starter... and he's screwing it up.

It will also lead to Treatment and Tabloids and Condemnation, because hell, New York would like to talk about anything other than how Boston's still playing games.

And when the Yankees finish third in the AL East and out of the playoffs again next year -- and it's hard to see how they get better than either Boston or Tampa right now -- the failure of Chamberlain to become a 15 to 20 win guy is going to be one of the biggest reasons why.

Oh, and he also gets to endure a lifetime of drinking heckles. When, oh when, will athletes learn to just have a designated driver at all times?

I'd like to be wrong... but I'm not going to be...

I got to turn this one on in the fifth, just before the Rays' David Bartlett hit just his third home run of the year to tie it up against the exceptionally shaky Josh Beckett. In the next inning, Not So Big Game James Shields gave the game back to the dead man wearing Jason Varitek's jersey, and another single after that. After a pitching change, Bartlett made a bad error on a throw, which was (of course) followed up by the inevitable David Ortiz RBI.

There's 12 more outs in this game, and a whole 'nother game tomorrow, but there isn't much more to say than this: it's over, and Boston will win.

You could, of course, have said the same thing as soon as Game Five was over and Boston had pulled off a seven-run comeback. It's very simple; the dynamics of the series had changed. Tampa had acquired A Past. Boston is just going off the same script as always. And it's hard, really, to see how the Phillies will stop the avalanche in the next series.

You see, Boston's on auto-pilot right now. And it doesn't really matter that their starters are hittable, their middle relief is questionable, the bottom half of their lineup seems like they can be pitched to, and that they won't enjoy their de facto road field advantage.

And until they lose a game they shouldn't lose -- say, with a Papelbon meltdown, or a stolen home run, or some other divine intervention moment -- they're just going to keep doing what they do.

Make all the defensive plays. Get all the breaks. Hit with two men out. And win. No matter how much you'd, well, rather that they didn't...

Epic Drop: Top 10 consolations for Rays fans

Your link is here, and holy moley. I'm not too proud to admit that I was preparing for Red Sox Elimination Day -- you'd think I'd learn not to do that by now -- but good grief. From 7-0 to 8-7 in about an hour or so, and more from JD Drew, Mr. Clutch.

I think I just threw up in Philly Fan's mouth.

Well, on the bright side, a longer series is fun, right? And probably better for the Phils, especially if it somehow results in a less fresh Scott Kazmir facing them. (And oh by the way... even if the Rays hadn't scored 2 in a long seventh inning tonight, Kazmir still leaves the game, having thrown 111 pitches. That's the problem with him; even when he's throwing a shutout, he throws too many pitches.)

Anyway, go click the link. Laughing at Rays Fan isn't nearly as much fun as laughing at Sox Fan, but you take what you can get.

This Won't End Well

Um, far be it for me to throw sartorial stones, but since when did Al Czervik play wideout? That ticking sound you're hearing is the Meltdown Clock, Cowboy Fan...

MLB should put his logo on the bases, too

WASHINGTON (AdAge.com) -- Major League Baseball has moved back the scheduled start time of any game 6 of the World Series so Fox can also air the half hour Barack Obama spot on Oct. 29.

A network spokeswoman confirmed the buy and said MLB had agreed to the network's request for the delay.

Fox now joins CBS and NBC in airing the half hour program, whose content the Obama campaign has declined to describe. The decision means that the Obama campaign is now spending close to $3 million to air the program from 8 to 8:30 p.m. that night on at least three networks. ABC didn't immediately return a message asking whether it too has now agreed to a buy, a move which would create an unprecedented roadblock of the nation's biggest commercial networks.

What's notable here, really, is that Barack Obama seems to be the last company in America to have money to spend on ads.

Say it with me, folks... Land. Slide. Land. Slide. Land. Slide...

Week Seven NFL Picks: The Best Week Ever

Since the last time I wrote a picks column, the Philles won the NLCS, the Ealges won in San Francisco, Dallas, Washington and New York all lost... Pac Man Jones was suspended, Tony Romo and Felix Jones got hurt, and Wall Street lost 5 billion points. Proof positive that when Philly Fan is happy, we're all doomed.

I'd say more about this, but given that the world is about to end, we're just going to cut to the chase. I've got a 2 o'clock with the Whore of Babylon (she works in midtown). My picks are in CAPS.

Dallas at ST. LOUIS (+10.5)

I suspect this line is continually shrinking, given how the Cowboys keep shedding starters. They come off a devastating loss in Arizona, while the Rams broke into the win category on the road in Washington. So why is the line so large? Because the Rams won on a defensive touchdown and a pass interference call, and they are, well, horrible. But given that the Rams will be facing a team with pure rookies at the corners, no Felix Jones to stretch the field with the running game, some unknown punter, a fresh sideshow in Roy Williams at wideout, and -- most importantly -- a quarterback (Brad Johnson) who can't go deep or avoid the rush... well, I don't think it's outside of the realm of possibility that the home team pulls the upset.

At the very least, they'll make the cover.

Cowboys 24, Rams 20

Baltimore at MIAMI (-2.5)

My, my, my... Joe Flacco's certainly fell to earth, hasn't he? Almost as if I've predicted it. (Let me try to re-set my shoulder from the back patting there.) This week, he goes to Miami to face a frisky Dolphins team that spit the bit late on the road against the Texans. If the Ravens are going to make a run at the NFC North, they need to get it done this week... but I don't think they are going to. It'll be ugly on both sides.

Dolphins 20, Ravens 13

San Francisco at GIANTS (NL)

Here's my favorite new theory on why West Coast teams stink on ice in road games on the East Coast -- their bodies are trying to play football at 10am, and they just can't adjust. Um, what? I get that it's not optimal, but if this is the case, why not just stay on the East Coast longer, practice here, and try to prevent that from having any kind of impact?

Right. Because it's horse flop.

Look, the reason why West Coast teams stink when they come East is that most of them aren't very good right now. When the division was good -- you know, when the Niners dominated the NFC West, or the Raiders stomped people -- the air flights were harder. And yet, they still pretty much stomped people on the road. The reason why was that they were good. Really good.

Unlike, say, this Niners team, who can't protect the quarterback, and can't play 60 minutes with quick screens and draws to avoid the rush. Luckily for them, the Giants don't get enough push on the quarterback anymore (see last Monday in Cleveland). But on the road in New Jersey, and with the early start time (hah! I kill me), they aren't getting it done.

Giants 31, Niners 20

NEW ORLEANS at Carolina (-3)

Can someone please explain the NFC South to me? Carolina crushes Atlanta at home, then gets crushed by the Bucs on the road. Atlanta is supposed to be the worst team in the division, and yet they probably have the best wins (in Green Bay, against Chicago at home). Tampa doesn't seem like they can score over 20 points unless the defense scores. And then there's the Saints, who move the ball like mad, seem to get some push at times on defense, and look like the most entertaining 8-8 team ever.

Well, I'm getting sucked into the road team again, but honestly, this is a coin flip. I'm just going with the Saints because when Jake Delhomme is bad, he's really, really bad.

Saints 31, Panthers 27

SAN DIEGO at Buffalo (NL)

The Chargers come off a going-away win against the suddenly pathetic Patriots, while the Bills were on the bye. If you believe the hype, this is one of those dreaded West Coast Team on a 1pm game death moments, and the Bills are ready to solidify their hold on the AFC East. I'm just not buying the idea that this Bills team has the horses to keep up with a team that can score a lot of points, and this year, that's the Chargers.

Chargers 27, Bills 21

Minnesota at CHICAGO (-3)

I'm surprised by this line, really. The Bears lost a game they should have won in Atlanta, while the Vikings had to sweat out a win over the utterly awful Lions at home. In this game, I think Gus Frerotte makes more mistakes than Kyle Orton, and while Adrian Peterson will have more yards than Matt Forte, the quarterback mistakes are more meaningful. Watch out as well for Devin Hester in this game, since Brad Childress seems to like to kick to game-breaking return men.

Bears 24, Vikings 16

PITTSBURGH at Cincinnati (NL)

I don't much care what the line is for this game, so long as Ryan Fitzpatrick is quarterbacking the Bengals. Lo, is he awful. The Steelers also are off a bye, get Willie Parker back from injury, and have the corners to take away the Bengal wideouts. Look for the Steelers to force turnovers and win in a runaway.

Steelers 38, Bengals 17

TENNESSEE at Kansas City (+7)

Here's what this line means: someone in Vegas thinks the Chiefs will score. I don't share their enthusiasm. The Chiefs are coming off a bye, but it won't be enough. Look for the Titans to keep Larry Johnson under 40 yards, and spend most of the day falling over themselves trying to score defensive touchdowns.

Titans 20, Chiefs 9

Detroit at HOUSTON (NL)

The line I've heard here is in the 8 to 10 point range, which is kind of amazing, given that the teams will combine for 1 win all year. Houston got it last week, with a bit of a miracle job against the Dolphins. With Dan "Running Out Of My End Zone In Pants Wetting Fear" Orlovsky at the controls, this will be the one week this year that you'll be interest in playing the Texans defense in fantasy. This is also the only late game for Fox all day. Bet they put a bunch of cameras on Calvin Johnson, just to see when he quits in abject frustration? (You're also really going to like Steve Slaton in this game.)

Texans 34, Lions 17

NY JETS at Oakland (+3)

The corollary of the earlier cross-country is the Jets going west to Oakland, where they get to face the eternal mystery that is Oakland. The home team can run the ball, and the Jets' secondary isn't good; there will be openings downfield for JeMarcus Russell to find. A shame that he doesn't have the wideouts to get there, or the accuracy to find them... or, well, a coach that can give them any chance late. The Favre legend continues, and Packer Fan will start melting down over the Rodgers-Favre decision any minute now...

Jets 26, Raiders 21

Cleveland at WASHINGTON (NL)

Gee, the Browns can look good when they throw deep and utterly dominate the line of scrimmage! This week, they go to Washington, who have to be smarting over that home loss to the Rams. Both teams desperately need the game, but you get the feeling that the home team is just better coached (seriously, how do the Browns have a dozen false start penalties at home?). I also think that, unlike the Giants, the Redskins will be smart enough to just run the ball and win.

Redskins 23, Browns 17

INDIANAPOLIS at Green Bay (pick'em)

Rut roh, the Colts are back! I'm not sure why this is a pick'em game, given that just a few weeks ago, the Packers lost to the Falcons at home.. and well, Peyton Manning is a lot better than Matt Ryan. For the Packers, they're going to hope that the Colts don't bring their run defense, and that Ryan Grant can finally be productive, rather than just persistent. I'm not getting my hopes up.

Colts 31, Packers 20

Seattle at TAMPA BAY (NL)

Perhaps the worst Sunday Night Football game you will ever see - seriously, NBC, you do know that the Seabags are terrible on the road, wounded and trying to put Mike Holmgren on an ice flow ASAP? The Bucs come off a smackdown of the Panthers, and will do more of the same against a Seahawks team that won't get more than 250 yards in this game. That includes garbage time. They'll also give their offense a short field repeatedly.

Bucs 30, Seahawks 13

DENVER at New England (-3.5)

The weekend in bad evening games continues in New England, as two dramatically flawed teams fight for a big prize. Normally in games like these, you can count on the Pats for a bounce-back game after a bad loss... but that was a night game as well, and the Broncos are a coverage nightmare, especially if Eddie Royal can go. There's also this: Matt Cassel has officially entered the realm of unownable fantasy quarterback, which also makes him worrisome in any gambling situation.

Denver 24, New England 21


Last Week: 8-6

Year to date: 47-39-2

NLCS Thoughts

My civic duties (there was a debate I had to wound myself with) prevented this from getting my full attention, but here's the quick and dirty...

> Who's the bigger Dodger goat -- Raffy Furcal, whose two-error inning deepened the malaise? Russell Martin, who hit .118 behind Manny? Or -- and this is my choice -- Chad Billingsley, who blew up in two of the five games, had an 18.00 ERA, and did everything short of burn his jersey on the mound to make the case that his promising career might not be, well, so very promising?

> ManRam's final NLCS numbers: .538, 2 homers, 7 RBIs, and $180 million over 6 years. Get out your checkbooks, Yankees. (Oh, and by the way, he's going to kill his next team by being himself in 2 to 3 years. Enjoy him early, Next Team...)

> Cole Hamels was nails again, with clutch strikeouts that might not have been strikes, because, well, when you just have that much command, you get the calls. Tonight, you saw Hamels enter The Pantheon; there aren't five pitchers in *either* league you'd rather have than him right now. Very, very impressive.

> For years, Philly Fan has kind of hated Charlie Manuel. The town doesn't deal with Old Yokel voices very well, and the franchise has been in 85 to 90 win limbo for so long, with the town in a 25-year championship drought that's unmatched by any other 4-team town, so you can see the hate.

Tonight, after outmanaging Joe Torre (Dodger fan is still bent that Derek Lowe got the hook early in the last game) and having to leave his team to go bury his mother, Manuel gets the grace card to end all grace cards. So long as he doesn't blow the Series, he's got -- and deserves -- a mighty long grace period. Even for Philly.

> He ended the series with a 0.00 ERA, but every time Chan Ho Pliss showed up on the mound, I'm sure every Phillies fan felt a whole lot better about life.

> I'm not really a Phillies fan. But tonight felt good, and not just because Derek "Crotch Grab" Lowe, Joe Torre and ManRam all get to watch the Series at home is nice. A parade in Philly, and perhaps a chance at losing the perpetual pessimism, would be even better.

Epic Drop: Top 10 ways that Shaq will make the Spurs pay

The Phillies are a strike away from the World Series at this very moment. My link is about Shaq. I have unerring blogging instincts!

Top 6 reasons why fantasy basketball rocks... and one big begging moment

I've been playing fantasy basketball for seven years -- or, well, about the exact same amount of time as I've been begging people to play fantasy basketball. Except for the begging to fill my leagues, it's actually my favorite fantasy league, beating out baseball and football. Here's why.

1) No stupid park effects. Look, picking the right players for your starting lineup is difficult enough without worrying about rain or snow in football, or some wind or bandbox killing your pitchers in baseball. Basketball, it's the same everywhere. Just like they say in "Hoosiers."

2) Everybody can do everything. Need a save? You better have the single guy on the pitching staff that's getting them. Didn't get a top QB? You're boned on passing yards.

But the NBA offers a million ways to get your numbers. There are guards that block shots. Centers that shoot three pointers. Power forwards that get assists. It's incredibly liberating, and a lot more fun. When your point guard blocks a shot, that's just cool.

3) It rewards knowledge of the overall game. In baseball and football, the won-loss record of the team doesn't matter very much for the value of any particular player. Sure, maybe a running back from a bad team gets pinched a little as his team throws a ton in catch-up situations, or a QB from a team that gets a lot of leads might sit out some fourth quarters. But for the most part, you can pretty much draft the numbers and forget about it.

In the NBA, you need to actually know which teams are going to suck, because those are the ones where the star players are much more likely to "get hurt" and ease off on the minutes in March and April. You also have to ease off the guys from the very best teams, since they wind up losing minutes, and minutes drive everything. Lose enough games, and a lineup shuffle will happen. If you don't watch wins and losses, it's going to cost you in the long run.

4) Overtime. In baseball, extra innings means extra at bats from offensive players that never do enough with them. In football, overtime almost never happens.

But in the NBA, overtime -- and even double and triple overtime -- happens just enough to occasionally give you a Big Stiffie of oversized numerical goodness. Fantasy sports goodness is all about the outliers, and when your point guard pulls off 20+ assists in a double-overtime barn-burner, you're loving life. A lot.

5) It's niche-y. Let's face it... too many people play fantasy football. Every ticker tells you the stats you need, you can talk about your team with millions, and somewhere in your league, there's somebody who lucked into a Michael Turner who is utterly kicking your ass.

With pro hoop, it's still kind of underground, and just a lot more fun. Trust me on this. Fantasy sports fist pumps are best served in private.

6) It totally saves the winter. January and February is pure misery for fantasy players, unless you do a basketball or hockey league. Even if you are an NBA fan, fantasy is huge, since it keeps you involved during the mid-season grind. If you are the kind of fantasy football player that mopes his way through December onward because you've got no more juice in the games, the Association will save you.

* * * * *

Now, having said all of that, here's the sales pitch.

After seven years of running a head to head Yahoo league with a serpentine draft, I wanted to take it up a notch, and go to an auction league, roto scoring, with keepers.

Most of the guys who have done the league for years were starting to lag in interest, or are increasingly whipped by their women. (Sad but true.) Others are having schedule conflicts. And well, NBA fantasy leagues are tough to fill; always have been, probably always will be.

So I've got six slots to fill, and 10 days to fill them. It's a Yahoo league, $50 to enter with 100% of the funds going to the winners. There's a dorky trophy involved, a big board to draft in, beer and bbq and all of the pure fun that is a live draft. The draft will be at my place in Central New Jersey (about halfway between New York and Philly, and close to trains), and if you aren't local, it's no problem; we'll be doing a conference call and web meeting to keep you involved.

Anyway, I need people to fill the league. If you're interested, email me at dmtshooter@gmail.com. If you know anyone who's an NBA fan and can forward this along, I'd also appreciate it. If you can link this post and spread the word about the openings, that's also a big help.

Because, well, I'd love to have a league, and I'm sure that people who join will love it, too. Even if I have to beg folks to give it a try...

Epic Drop: Top 10 silver sports linings from economic hell

Today's link is a festival of silver lining hate, and a fever dream for some noxious sports team owner to go tits-up. Seriously, how cool would it be to see some notable swell to lose their team? Mark Cuban in tears, Donald Sterling kicked to the curb, Daniel Snyder crying, any of the Oklahoma Sonic thieves having to face some nasty, nasty reality...

Well, taking delight in the misery of others is, y'know, bad and stuff. But if I'm going to watch my meager retirement savings disappear, and spend the rest of my life in harness, I'd just like some company. Well-heeled, thoroughly disgraced, possibly suicidal company...

Oh Cubs Fans...

The Daily Show buries the knife in deep, deep, deep. The whole thing is good, but the 1:30 mark opens it up.

MNF Thoughts: Giants-Browns

Y'know, folks, there are weeks when it doesn't really matter what your won-loss record is against the spread, just so long as you get one very good win. For me, that was a spirited and long defense of how Peyton Manning is, well, a hell of a lot better than Eli Manning, first five weeks of the season be damned... and tonight, as Eli threw his third, fourth and fifth pick of the year, with the last one in the red zone after a long Giants drive, with a 14-point turnaround on the single play.

Oh, and extra credit to Eli for going for the strip on the pick runback, then whiffing entirely on Browns CB Eric Wright, who took it to the house.

From there, we were treated to a ton of high-def ESPN close ups of Sad Eli, and at that point I, like most of the other people watching sports, were off to the Phillies-Dodgers game. (Just in time to see Shane Victorino tie it up in the eighth, then Matt Stairs absolutely unload on the go-ahead homer. I've had worse times.)

And this, please and pray tell remember, is why Eli is not Peyton, even if this week is just the aberration that it, well, probably is. Eli's night ended with a misfire on a fourth and two in the red zone again. Heckuva night for the Browns defense.

Now, was Eli really the reason why the Giants lost for the first time in 2008? No, not really; the Giants defense got absolutely no push on pass rush, didn't control the running game, and basically made Derek Anderson look as comfortable as possible in his career resurrection night. Braylon Edwards kept breaking ankles of members of the Giants secondary, and when you win by three touchdowns, it's rare that you can put the blame on just one guy.

BUt well, such is the nature of New York, and such is the nature of being a good but not great QB that many people have talked themselves into great. Eli is just going to throw a mess of picks every year. He can do some things, and no one assails the leadership skills anymore. But you take the good with the bad, and the bad is some back-breaking interceptions. More curious will be how much grief he gets over it, especially since the G-Men could have more or less wrapped up the division tonight.

He's no Peyton. And Gregg Easterbrook eats paste. But we all knew that, right?

Epic Drop: Top 10 reasons to have hope

So here's today's list. Now, let me get back to the horror that is age.

When I was 10 years old, the Phillies won the World Series; I was 14 when the Sixers broke through and took out the Sixers. A year or two after that, the USFL Stars won (I was a big fan), and I even went downtown for the parade. I felt, in no way, like any kind of Sports Victim. Sure, the Eagles didn't break through, and I still have scars of every playoff loss ever. But what the hell, that's what sports *are*, and it's not like we were Cleveland or Boston or any one of a million other sports cities that didn't get to see Hall of Fame players for every franchise. You could have grown up in Kansas City, for heaven's sake.

Now, imagine you are a 10 to 12 year old fan of the Cowboys. You're too young to remember the Aikman-Irvin-Smith years. Your Mavericks ripped your hearts out in the Finals, and now they're a bad joke with big names and an increasingly unhinged owner. Your baseball team is terrible, and has been throughout your consciousness. And your football team keeps signing head cases, and just lost its franchise quarterback for a month. You're a sports victim, right? And yet, there's no way you feel that way, since the history is anything but Victim Status.

The point is this. When you are young, you don't fear losses. You just celebrate them. You don't know that Lucy will always pull away the football, that the other city is always going to be taking the champagne bath at the end of the festivities.

I have friends that have already written off this year's Eagles team, despite the fact that we're barely past the one-third pole. They only watch game replays if the team wins; they spend the live telecasts either listening on the radio or reading updates online, because, dammit, their hearts just can't take it.

They are most likely "right"; the Eagles are, after all, 3-3 and maddeningly inconsistent in just about every facet of the game. But I wouldn't be that way for anything; if I were, I'd give up sports and blogging in a heartbeat. It strikes me as a pale imitation for living, a life ruled by fear, a perversion on every level.

So, um, folks? Lighten up. Be better than your fears. Have hope. It's just more fun.

The Request That No One WIll Fulfill

NBA fantasy league, live auction, here at the Shooter Compound on Saturday, the 25th. You can even do it remote, because I'm just that web-riffic, with a live conference call and some kind of Other Thing going on. I've got four spots to fill, and I'm dancing as fast as I can.

Email me at dmtshooter at gmail dot com for rules and all that... and, um, yes, I know, you hates the NBA, you hates it to pieces, and you don't know anyone who likes it, and you hates it when I write about it, you hates it so....

ORLOVSKY! SCHUAB! IT'S ALL ON FOX!

Next week on Fox, here are their late games...

Detroit at Houston

Yup, that's the only one. The other three are all with CBS.

Let's just say that they aren't loving the week. Especially now that the Texans finally broke through and prevented the peculiar fascination of Which Team Can Keep The Winless Season Dream Alive storyline going...

A small question for people who watch baseball

If you don't have skin in the game -- which is to say, at least serious money, but more likely a longtime love for the Red Sox, Rays, Dodger or Phillies laundry -- just how are you supposed to actually watch playoff baseball?

I'll let you into an inside glimpse of the miraculous life of the off-time sports blogger here, folks... it doesn't always work in real time, or in an efficient way. Sometimes, I get wiped out while writing and pass out. Which is what happened on Saturday night, after I did the Shooter Dad thing, then came back down to the Man Cave. I woke up as the Rays got to work in the bottom of the twelfth, with BJ Upton's pop up scoring the winning run.

So that game started at 8pm EST, and ended past 1:30am. Now, I don't know about you, but I'm not sure if I've ever watched anything that took five and a half hours that didn't involve the birth of my kid, or perhaps experimental German cinema, or... well, nope. I got nothing.

Now, if you are involved, you don't care and I Just Don't Get It, but that's just it... I'm a heckuva lot more like the rest of the MLB fandom than you on this. And even if this had been a nine-inning game, it still would have taken way too damned long.

Who's to blame? Well, MLB starts it by cramming in extra commercials. The managers add on with multiple mound conferences and marginal pitching changes. Base runners trying to steal a base add tons of time from the increased pickoff throws. Hitters and pitchers stall and step off and out. Umpires don't move the game forward aggressively enough, for fear that they'll become the story -- and no ump wants that to happen in a playoff game. The fans for the most part, don't care, because they are that into the game; you don't go to a playoff game casually.

But in the meantime... well, I dare you to watch an MLB playoff game without something to do on the side. Like, well, blogging.

Or, more accurately, passing out while blogging.

The last temptation of Goodell

So this is just how random the NFL is now: the previously winless St. Louis Rams, working on their second dead-end coach (Jim Haslett, previously a washout in New Orleans with Aaron Brooks, and a historically awful team in their first five games, to the point that any number of people thought they could go winless... and then, um, they take out the Redskins at home with a late drive.

Next week, they get the Cowboys at home... and according to reports over at Yahoo, they might have to do it without their best / only cover corner, given that he's also an infamous recidivist who's being, well, coddled by his increasingly desperate new team, since he's their best / only cover corner. Roger Goodell is said to want to exercise his lone superpower as NFL commish, which is to mess with people who fail to Toe The Line.

Is it too much to ask for the Rams to come up with another win next week at home against the 'Boys? Of course; the Rams are a terrible, terrible team with a terrible coach, and they can't cover anyone in the passing game. If Tony Romo doesn't go for 300+ yards and 3 touchdowns, it's only because Marion Barber is scoring from in tight. And it's not like Marc Bulger set the world on fire today; the Rams won on turnovers and a defensive touchdown before making the single big play downfield to get into field goal position.

But, well, a man can dream... and even if the 'Boys do get past the Rams next week, it's not like they were built for depth or team chemistry. There's also Terrell Owens doing the post-game sulk and the in-game freakout (justified, perhaps, but still tiresome) on Andre Gurode for not blocking or falling on a fumble in the first quarter.

Add it all up, and all we need now is a Browns upset over the Giants in tonight's game to get us to that magical land of the NFC East perhaps still being the best division in football, but one with a good number of bloody noses. It also points to the following inexorable truth about the NFL...

No one knows anything...

Lions-Esque

Now, technically, Detroit lost on a late pass interference call on Leigh Bodden that was pretty questionable, which set up the game-winning field goal. But when the final score is 12-10, and you have this play happen... um, wow. The only thing that would have made this better is if Orlovsky hit his head against the wall, Frerotte-style, to celebrate the moment. Matt Millen, your legacy just keeps growing...

Epic Drop: Top 10 things that are almost as manly as a baseball fight

Here's your link, and for heaven's sake, I'd like to see a single baseball brouhaha that actually resulted in some honest-to-goodness Real Violence. Seriously, you are in more danger of actual fisticuffs in the presence of children. Small children. Wearing pillows.

Eagles-Niners Aftermath

Just a lovely day here in Eagle Fanland, even though the game didn't really compete with the day's most exciting contests (since, well, five of them ended in the final 9 seconds or less today). A neighbor and site reader came by with his kid, so the Shooter Kids were occupied and entertained. The weather was great, the kids behaved, and after some terrible special teams (never has a field goal kicker had a worse 4-for-5 performance than David Akers today), Order Was Restored with the defense getting pressure, the offense moving the chains, and most importantly of all, the Cowboys losing in Arizona and the Redskins losing at home to the Rams (!)... well, 3-3 and into the bye suddenly seems a lot less doom-tastic. Here's some points from the wackiness...

> Coreell Buckhalter really was the hero today. His 19 for 97 and a touchdown day on the ground spoke to the Eagles not being patient enough there (yet again), but the 7 catches for 89 yards also made him the second highest receiver, as the offense had the screen game going. He's not Brian Westbrook, but he's not Lorenzo Booker either (thank the Lord).

> On the off chance that you were wondering why this blog thinks so highly of Donovan McNabb when the numbers aren't necessarily there... well, the Eagles lead the NFL in drops this year. This comes as no surprise to those of us who watch them play...

> For people who think too much about coordinators, this game had a fascinating one in the Niners' Mike Martz against the Eagles' Jim Johnson. For a long time, it looked like Martz was going to get the better of things, as his hot read calls to inexperienced QB JT O'Sullivan produced big plays despite not really having control of the line of scrimmage, and once those were softened up, Frank Gore did damage with a 19 for 99 and a touchdown day on the ground. But eventually, and especially in the fourth quarter, the defense got the better of things with two sacks, a fumble recovery, and two picks, one of which was returned for the sealing score.

> Once again, the opposing tight end had a huge day, with Vernon Davis leading the Niners with 5 catches for 78 yards, including a monster 52-yard play in the third. The announcers liked to talk about how much this means that the Eagles LBs are inexperienced and erratic, and they are, of course. But all I know is that they never had these problems when Brian Dawkins was alive.

> For the Niners, you can see why they really aren't a contender, even in the watered-down NFC West. Coach Hitler (no, Mike Nolan, I have not forgotten what Kevan Barlow said) might be even worse at replay challenges than Andy Reid, and that's saying something. Trying to review the call on a made field goal is just something special. Besides, they employ Takeo Spikes, and since he and the playoffs are a mutually exclusive set, there's nothing more to see here. Move along.

> Here's a small but telling way to know that a home team isn't exactly dealing with confidence on offense -- false start penalties. The Niners had a bunch today en route to 10 flags, while the Eagles only had two callas for 10 yards all day.

> I'm not sure I've ever seen a game where one team runs off 20 unanswered points, (the Niners, in coming back from down 17-6 to get to 26-17 at the end of the third), then give up 23 unanswered (to get to the 40-26 final). But that's the NFL right now. Not only can we not figure out who the best teams are week to week, we can't even find out who they are from quarter to quarter.

The Eagles hit the bye at 3-3, last in the division... but only one game out of second, and just a Browns' upset on MNF away from having the best possible weekend that didn't involve a Phillies sweep over the Dodgers. There are worse things.

Well, that was unexpected

Philly Fan, doing what they best...

Oh, and kudos for this moment of great character.

The GOP Vice-Presidential nominee said at an earlier fundraiser that she would stop some of the booing from the rowdy Philadelphia fans by putting her seven year old daughter, Piper in a Flyers jersey. She said, "How dare they boo Piper!"

Um, lady? We dare. Now, back to the ash heap of history with you, please...

NCAA Winning Picks Week 7

I hope you jumped all over the winning picks last week as The Truth showcased his truthiness going 5-1. We're still yo-yoing through the season at 18-14. The road picks seem to be a sweet spot and shot probably stick to that format, but too many great games to pass up this week under that format. The Truth is bringing 8 games your way this week and one lock of the week special. Should be a great weekend for games.

Texas +7 vs. Oklahoma (in Dallas): Both teams are 5-0 heading into the Red River Rivalry. And both teams are perfect ATS this year. I like OU to win, but not by 7.

Kentucky +3 vs. South Carolina: I actually like UK as a 1 TD favorite here. I think it's actually a good thing that they didn't almost beat Bama at Bama last week. It will leave them hungry and shouldn't have a let down against the Gamecocks.

Mizzou -14 vs. Oklahoma State: What is it with the Big 12 and 5-0 teams? Two more undefeated teams that score points in bunches. Why is the spread so large? OSU is a pretender and Mizzou should expose them as such come Saturday. The line is where it should be so you'll probably see money split pretty evenly between these teams.

Georgia -12.5 vs. Tennessee: I like UGA by 2 TDs here with the Vols a dismal 1-4 ATS this year. Not only are the Vols not good this year, they just can't score. They squeaked out a win at home against Northern Illionois last week 13-9. At least with them not scoring, it cuts down on the times their band plays the God awful "Rocky Top."

Arizona State +28 vs. USC: Sanchez is banged up for the Trojans. But it shouldn't keep them from beating down on the Sun Devils. I just don't think it is 28 points worth of beat down.

Penn State -6 @ Wisconsin: Another undefeated team in Penn State who is 6-0. Not sure about this line. I like PSU by alot more. Wisconsin is 0-2 in the Big Ten. Where is the Joe Pa love? Penn State averages over 500 yards a game and gives up 250 yards.

LSU +6 @ Florida: Okay - if you want to avoid one of The Truth's picks, this is probably it. LSU is 1-2 ATS this year and 4-12 ATS against conference opponents the past 3 years. Florida is 2-0 ATS the past three years. This one is just a hunch.

LOCK OF THE WEEK

Vanderbilt -2 @ Mississippi State: Where is the love people? My Commodores are undefeated and leading the SEC East standings. This is the best sub-conference in America. They just beat Auburn for the first time since the Eisenhower administration so I get the "fluke" references. But they're playing MSU. Come on! I don't care that the Bulldogs put up a good fight against LSU last week. I'm saying Vandy by 50! Lay two units here. And no, there is no room on the Vandy Fanwagon, you haters.

Epic Drop: Top 12 truly wonderful things about Adam "Mister" Jones' latest incident

I just want to say, I love ya, I love all a ya, and your link is here.

What. A. Maroon...

NFL Picks, Week Six: Hurtling Toward The Random

The leaves are starting to fall here in the East, with the major benefit of fewer live mosquitoes balanced against the looming menace of heating bill prices. You've seen enough NFL football to be knee deep and still caring, assuming that you don't root for the Rams, Bengals or Lions. So why are you still expecting some What It All Means open from me, especially when there's rampant stupidity to defrag? Let's go to the picks. (My selections are in CAPS.)

Baltimore at INDIANAPOLIS (-4.5)

One of the things that hack writers need to do to show how edgy they are is to make rash judgments based on small sample sizes and misleading metrics. This week, the collective meme of hackery, backed up by Bush apologist and terminal wanker Gregg Easterbrook, leads off the Lemur with the assertion that Eli Manning is now better than Peyton Manning.

Now, an aside. I am, as you might have guessed by now, something of a fantasy sports player. I'm also one that's been fortunate enough to have avoided Peyton Manning in any of my leagues this year. I thought he'd be good, but the knee scared me, so he just wasn't a priority. Neither, for that matter, was his brother, just because he throws (way) too many picks for my liking, has got great running backs that curtail his value near the goal line, and has a history of falling apart in the second half.

All of that still could be true. The season is longer than five weeks. But in any event, Eli's numbers run rings around Peyton's this year, and probably will at the end of the year, too.

This does not, however, mean that Eli's better than Peyton. It is simply a matter of context.

While Peyton's schedule has included fun moments like Chicago, Minnesota, Jacksonville and Houston (and of the four teams, only Houston has a notably bad defense), Eli has had Washington, St. Louis, Cincinnati and Seattle -- teams that are just by looking at them worse, especially the NFC West squads. While Peyton has been working for good chunks of time without his center and tight end, Eli's had everyone back and healthy. Peyton's got one running back that's worth a damn in Joseph Addai; Eli has three that might all be better than that. (I'm just not a huge Addai fan.) Even at wideout, the Giants are comparable or better; sure, Reggie Wayne and Dallas Clark are better than Plaxico Burress and Kevin Boss, but it's not like the Giants are bad there.

In terms of defenses, New York has a good one; Indy doesn't, especially when Bob Sanders isn't right. I'd be very surprised if Eli hasn't had better field position and more takeaways. On special teams, the Colts are quietly terrible, with Adam Vinatieri no longer worth his hype and Hunter Smith having always been poor. The Giants haven't had a miss yet in the kicking game, and punter Jeff Feagles is aces at pinning the ball inside the 20.

So let's see... Eli's got the edge in just about every category, has had a dramatically easier schedule, and just to put the icing on the cake, wasn't hurt in pre-season, so he's not coming back from anything. The younger has also played well by any measure this year. He might now be a top 10 QB in the NFL, and if you believe in growth, redemption, et cetera... well, maybe a Super Bowl ring does have mystical properties, especially when you earn it with a last-minute drive in which you pulled off the signature play of your career.

But me, I'm going to go with the more likely story, which is that Peyton Manning is one of the five to ten best QBs in NFL history, and Eli Manning is, well, not. And that people who make judgments based on five weeks are doing so simply for the shock value of the argument, rather than the actual, put your ass on the line moment that would mean they'd take Eli over Peyton in a heads-up selection for Real Actual Football (not Fantasy).

But if you find someone who is serious about their Eli over Peyton love, ask them this: is Michael Turner the very best running back in the NFL? Because he's got the same argument for that as you've got for Eli over Peyton.

Anyway... getting back to this game. The Ravens were robbed last week on a terrible blow to the head call that gave Kerry Collins another drive, in a game that lived up to the defensive hype. The Colts received a gift from the Stupidity Gods when Sage Rosenfeld decided to pursue his interests in airborne breakdancing before fumbling, in a moment that will be on a video chip on his gravestone. The Colts might be a bad team; the Ravens might be a mediocre one with a great defense.

There's no doubt that Baltimore will run for a lot of yards this week and make Peyton continue to look old and in the way. But I'm also thinking that the league is catching up to Joe Flacco in a big way, and that the Colts are going to take this whole nonsense about how their offense isn't good anymore to heart. Teams don't win without making at least a few plays in the passing game, if only because penalties happen. And, um, Peyton Manning has owned the Ravens in the past, and he was good enough to take advantage of the Rosenfeld gifts, even with Anthony Gonzalez unavailable due to concussion.

Finally, there's the fact that the money is all going to the Ravens, with the line shrinking by two points since the start of the week. Contrarianism, and decent sample sizes, are your friend. And Peyton Manning is still Peyton Manning, and he'll beat Joe Flacco at home.

Colts 24, Ravens 17

Detroit at MINNESOTA (-13.5)

Let's keep this simple. If the Lions couldn't cover last week against the Bears, at home, after a bye... why on earth should they be able to do it on the road? Plus, there's new word out of Motown that Jon Kitna is questionable at best, which means they are going to Dan Orlovsky (also banged up) or Drew Stanton.

Let's just say that Minnesota is a fine choice for your confidence pool this week.

The Vikings are no one's comfort pick for a big spread, given that head coach Brad Childress eats paste and kicks to Reggie Bush when he's nearly vibrating with Teh Hotness, but that won't matter here. The Lions made Orton look like Joe Montana; they'll make Gus Frerotte look like an NFL quarterback. They'll also wilt like mad in Minny's dome, and stop having an interest in tackling Adrian Peterson about midway through the second quarter. Expect lots of shots of guys who will die from heart disease in their mid '40s wearing Goldilocks wigs, and your local Peterson owner to finally get his money's worth.

Vikings 34, Lions 17

Oakland at NEW ORLEANS (-7.5)

If you would have played out last week's loss to the Vikings in Madden, you'd have thrown the controller at the television and stomped off in a huff. In other words, you'd have been acting like every guy playing Madden.

Anyway, the Raiders are the poor man's Vikings -- dumb coaching situation (at least, one presumes, now), overmatched quarterback who has moments against terrible defenses, good running game, defense that will hit you but not play terribly smart. The Saints should have beaten the Vikings, and they will beat the Raiders. By a lot, despite the Raiders coming off a bye, because the Raiders are more or less functioning without a coach, and because they are also banged up in the secondary. Not exactly something you want to be in a game against Drew Brees, who, by the way, utterly owned the Raiders in his Charger days.

Saints 38, Raiders 21

Cincinnati at NY JETS (-6.0)

Oh, those rascally Bengals. The mouthiest winless team ever goes on the road in New York, where the Bretts enjoyed their bye after playing offensive pinball at home against the Cardinals. There are reasons to suspect a cover here, just because the Bengals covered in New York and in Dallas, and the Jets aren't really that good. But coming off a bye, against a team with character issues that has to be wondering just what the hell they have to do to get Marvin Lewis fired... well, it's more or less a coin flip, and in those situations, I like the home team to cover. Just barely.

Jets 31, Bengals 24

CHICAGO at Atlanta (+2.5)

The Orton Victory Parade continues, with the one-time neckbeard laughingstock continuing to make the plays, move the team, and rack up stats. At some point, you have to think it will all come crashing down, but I'm not seeing it happen on the road in Atlanta, where the Bear defense will take away Roddy White and Michael Turner, thereby making Matt Ryan rely on his secondary weapons. It's not something you want a rookie QB to do, even at home. Look for Orton and Matt Forte will take advantage of short fields, and for Turner to lose his #1 fantasy running back ranking.

Chicago 24, Falcons 17

CAROLINA at Tampa Bay (-1.0)

People are starting to get behind this Carolina team, who enjoyed the closest thing to a bye with a home game against the Chiefs. The Bucs, meanwhile, were losing a surprisingly low scoring game in Denver, and appear to be playing Musical Noodle Armed QB, with Jeff Garcia getting the nod over a banged-up Brian Griese. It's also telling that the line has moved two points toward the road team... and well, I trust Jake Delhomme a heck of a lot more than what the Bucs have, even at home.

Panthers 20, Bucs 17

St. Louis at WASHINGTON (-13.5)

What to make of this Redskins team? They weren't supposed to be very good, and they were doing something unprecedented by giving the reins to Jim Zorn. Now they are 4-1, have completed their NFC East road obligations with a 2-1 record, and all of that with a defense that hasn't forced turnovers. It's unexpected, but just from looking at them on a snap by snap basis, they just control the line of scrimmage well, and when you do that, you should win the game.

Zorn's getting a lot of credit, but on offense especially, there's something to be said for their best players finally all being healthy. Add to that the continued maturation of Jason Campbell (who, well, has always struck me as a guy who should be good one day), the continued good work of Clinton Portis, and it almost doesn't matter that the wideouts are ordinary.

As for the Rams... jeez, do I have to really write about them? They bring back Marc Bulger, which I guess is encouraging, and they are coming off the bye. Maybe they care now and try, but even if they do, they can't stop the run, and they like to quit late. I like the Skins to cover this late.

Redskins 30, Rams 16

Miami at HOUSTON (-3.0)

Maybe I'm crazy to still like this Texans team, but there it is, and I still can't grasp the idea of a Dolphins team that goes 1-15 last year, then proceeds to run roughshod over presumably solid division and conference rivals. I'm looking for the Texans to get out early here and get rid of some demons. One also suspects that one of these weeks, some opponent will figure out how to defense the single wing plays from Ronnie Brown.

As an aside... if I'm a defensive player and I see the quarterback split out side, I'm taking the opportunity to line up two defenders on him and taking the free shot against a guy that is now in a blocking position. Congrats, offense -- you've got your mild gain from the single wing play. See how much your QB enjoyed it.

Anyway... Texans, dammit. To win, to cover, to smile.

Texans 27, Dolphins 17

JACKSONVILLE at Denver (-3.5)

Another genuinely intriguing game, where the disappointing Jaguars visit the disquieting Broncos. I'm liking the road team under the theory that they just need it more, and with second banana WR Eddie Royal likely to miss, I think the Jaguars can focus on Brandon Marshall and make the Broncos rely on their (not very good) running game. On offense, look for the first very good game from the Jasgs' running backs, who should find some room to move here.

Jaguars 24, Broncos 17

PHILADELPHIA at San Francisco (+4.5)

Oh, Eagles Fan, we have been here before. With patience ebbing in both the coach and QB, with the season in the balance, the best place for this Birds team is on the road, against a not very good opponent that can't protect the quarterback. Jim Johnson's exotic blitzes are made for young quarterbacks, and so long as the Eagles can keep Frank Gore from running wild, I just don't see the home team scoring enough points... especially when Donovan McNabb is looking primed for a very big week.

Oh, and there's also this: Vernon Davis sucks, and Mike Martz can't keep his QB upright. Even with a less than hale Brian Westbrook, this one will bring a lot of people in Philadelphia off the ledge.

Eagles 34, Niners 13

GREEN BAY at Seattle (+2)

Both teams are coming off of bad losses -- the Packers at home to Atlanta, the Seahawks on the road in New York -- but the difference is that the Pack was competitive, while the 'Bags just quit. I have very little use for this Seahawks' team this year, and have ever since they lost to the Niners at home. The Packers get well here, with Ryan Grant finally having a good game. (Hey, if I write this every week, maybe it'll finally come true.)

Packers 28, Seahawks 16

Dallas at ARIZONA (+5)

Even before this week's TOTALLY SHOCKING Adam "Mister" Jones lapse into shocking stupidity, the Cowboys' secondary was showing cracks, with Terence Newman and Roy Williams down from a group that wasn't that great to begin with. Against a Cardinals team that can throw the ball (even without Anquan Boldin, as seems likely) and with wins in their last five home games... well, it's troublesome.

More troublesome is the fact that Cowboys QB Tony Romo keeps turning the ball over, and that if the 'Boys aren't getting a big play, they aren't getting points.

For the Cardinals, look for them to try to take some of the air out of the ball with Edge James and Tim Hightower, and if they can keep Kurt Warner clean, I really do like their chances of pulling the upset. They are going to have to score 30+ points, but at the very least, they'll cover. (Also note... the line has dropped from 6.5 at the start of the week. Considering the amount of money that just likes to bet on the Cowboys, that's telling.)

Cardinals 34, Cowboys 31

New England at SAN DIEGO (-5.5)

A make-or-break game for both teams, really, as they share game film that shows the Dolphins punking them. Just by comparing that same opponent, the Chargers were competitive in Miami, while the Patriots got stomped at home; advantage, San Diego. The Chargers have missed Shawne Merriman more than anyone might have guessed, as the pass rush has been so slow that a reasonable secondary has been roasted and toasted. The Patriots have had Matt Cassel be less than Tom Brady in every little way -- too fast on the checkdowns, not strong enough on the deep ball, holding on too long and taking sacks, etc. -- and in this game, against a Chargers team that's probably spent the last week working up some blitz packages, that won't cut it. Keep an eye out for Darren Sproles in this game as well, since the Patriots really struggle to cover that kind of speed back.

Chargers 27, Patriots 21

NY GIANTS at Cleveland (+8.0)

Ah, finally -- a truly crappy MNF game, just like Mama used to make. Or is it? The Browns are coming off a bye, while the Giants are coming off a de facto bye after dismantling the Seahawks at home. The Browns just might be frisky in this game, in that they've got the talent at offensive line to slow down the Giants rush... but even if that happens, they can't stop the Giants running backs, and Derek Anderson isn't very good at all. Expect this to be tight with the Giants playing sloppy early, but covering late.

Giants 24, Browns 14

Last week: 6-6-2

Year to date: 39-33-2

One Teeny Tiny Point About McCarver v. Manny

Independent of the merits of what McCarver said, perhaps this man should not, how shall we say, be working in television?

MLB Playoff Picks: Phillies-Dodgers and Red Sox-Rays

One of the puff pieces that happened in advance of the NLCS this week spoke to the Useless Dodger Veteran Bench (aka Nomar Garciaparra, Andruw Jones, Jeff Kent and Juan Pierre) that all have Playoff Experience, but are also mostly ballast for this team. You will be relieved, I am sure, to find out that they are all Team Players who want to play, but remain totally unselfish and professional and so very, very tired...

On the contrary, I'd argue that it took Joe Torre far too long, and that he got fortunate with injuries, to learn that these guys really weren't going to be much use for him in the act of winning ballgames. Pierre's offense has been terrible for years. Jones has seemingly hit a complete wall in terms of no longer being someone who belongs in MLB -- seriously, only his contract is keeping him in the majors right now.

Kent can still hit -- hell, I suspect you'll be able to say that of the man the week that they bury him -- but he can't stay healthy, and he's got about as much right to play second base as I do. (I actually have better range, but being still afraid of baseballs hit with startling speed by grown men, I'm pretty sure that he'd be more effective. Anyway.) Nomar is a reasonable utility fill-in these days, provided you aren't expecting much pop at the plate.

On an MLB Minus team, these contracts would be absolutely crippling, and the Dodgers would have resembled the Bonds-less Giants of a few years back. Instead, here they are, having taken out the doomed Cubs and more or less an even-money bet to go to the Series. All because Manny Ramirez puled his way out of Boston, carrying them to a bad division win, and the luck of the draw got them the team that never, ever wins. Right?

Well, no, not quite. What happened was that they finally played the people that they should have been playing all along. James Loney is a good left-handed hitter and reasonable defender at first, and the only thing that keeps more people from knowing this is that his home park deflates offense. Matt Kemp in center is a stone-cold stud, a man who anyone could tell just by looking at him should never have to want for playing time. I suspect he could be one of the 20 best players in baseball within two years. Andre Ethier in right just doesn't make a whole lot of outs, does everything well, and has upped the ante since the Manny trade by, well, hitting like Manny's little brother. Blake Dewitt at second grinds like a prototype Dustin Pedroia and covers ground.

Combine them all with the return to health of Rafael Furcal (aka, the single non-Manny everyday playing vet that might be worth his contract), and hey presto... it's a good offense. If Russell Martin is fresh enough to hit (they wear him out and he fades every second half), it's actually a very good offense.

Pitching wise, they are also fine, though not as good as the park makes them out to be. Derek Lowe has carried them recently and has an exceptional post-season record. Chad Billingsley has been aces for a while now, and will be cited as such any day now. Hiroki Kuroda isn't great, but he doesn't walk people and keeps the ball in the park; you could do a lot worse from a #3 starter (and when Brad Penny is healthy, you do very well with him at #4). Greg Maddux is the Kuroda story with 350 more MLB wins. The bbullpen has tons of plus arms that are generally reliable.

Oh, and Manny Ramirez is the best hitter in baseball right now. That helps, too.

So why am I picking the Phils to win?

Well, the home field helps a lot here. So does the general feeling that when push comes to shove, Cole Hamels and Brett Myers are just better than Lowe and Billingsley. The back end of the Phillies rotation - Jamie Moyer and Joe Blanton -- seems more useful to me, to the point where I think the Phils get better starting pitching in every game.

As for the bullpen, the slight hiccup in Game Two notwithstanding, I like Brad Lidge a little more than Takashi Saito, and Jonathan Broxton has utterly filthy stuff, but just seems like a guy who's going to issue a key walk or two. The Dodgers have better depth for an extra inning game, but for the simple act of closing a game in regulation, I think the Phillies have the edge.

I also think the Phillies can win in LA more easily than the Dodgers can win in Philly. I also think that (deep breath) Charlie Manuel has seen enough of Manny Ramirez over the years to know how to limit the damage that Ramirez does, whereas the Dodgers will fear no Phillies hitter -- and wind up paying the price.

Finally, there's this. The way to shut the Phillies down cold is to have quality left-handed pitching. And all of the Dodger starters are right-handed.

Phillies in 6.

Well, Red Sox Fan, welcome to the Hated Favorite status that we all knew you'd get to, or have been arguing you were for years. Here's the plucky and lovable Rays, a bunch of kids -- kids, you bastards!

If you beat them, you'll face one of the most tortured fan bases in the country with the Phillies, or the lovable man-child that you refused to sign to an extension, just because he was a minority, and hated so much that you had to ship him out of town for a nondescript white guy, even while *still* paying his salary.

How does it feel to be the New Yankees, even down to the noxious traveling fan base that ensures that no matter how nice and easy-going your players are, you'll always be known as the opponent of every MLB fan's second favorite team? (In that they root for theirs first, than your opponent.)

But first things first, which is how this strange little series will play out. Tampa has the better rotation and everyday players (especially with Mike Lowell out), while Boston has the better bullpen and home field advantage. Seriously, in all seven games of this series, Boston will be playing in front of at least a 50% fan base.

The teams Just Don't Like Each Other, and Boston's got a ton of post-season experience. Also, while Tampa's starters are good, they aren't lockdown great (even Scott Kazmir can be worked into high pitch counts that prevent him from going deep). Finally, Tampa's hitters will grip the bat too tight in their One Chance To Get To The World Series (seriously, even though they are young and affordable, everyone knows this can't last -- see Oakland, Minnesota, Cleveland and every other non-BOS-NYY-LAA AL team of the last decade).

So, I'm just going to pick what will happen, rather than what I want. That way, no matter what happens, I'm feeling like a winner. (Well, at least more than usual.)

Red Sox in 6.

Which, of course, gives us Boston cock-blocking another Philadelphia sports championship, while my football-only friends tell me that they really hate Washington, Dallas and New York instead. Please, my friends, can't we all come together in our hate for Boston teams and her fans? The rest of the nation is already there. Join in!

Epic Drop: Top 10 Sports Atoners

Your list today is Yom Kippur themed, which means it will provide you with a day-long need to eat no food, do no work, and take an account of the last 12 months of your worst moments. Share and enjoy!

This Will Not Go Well

Straight from the flack's mouth...

Philadelphia, PA – October 8, 2008) Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, the nation’s most popular hockey mom, will join the winner of the Philadelphia Flyers regional search for the “Ultimate Hockey Mom” contest and drop the puck at the ceremonial opening face-off as the home team Flyers host the New York Rangers at the Wachovia Center on Saturday, October 11 at 7 p.m.

Now, hockey fans are whiter and more Republican than most... but Pennsylvania's trending 15 points Democratic in recent polls, and, well...

WE BOO EVERYTHING AND EVERYBODY HERE, YA FREAKING MORONS

Watch for the glazed smile and the dogged refusal to notice anything going wrong...

Epic Drop: Top 11 Unnecessary Sports Movie Sequels

Here's your link, and it's a fun one. There's one line in particular in it that I'm quite proud of and it made me laugh out loud... and if you can guess what one it is, you really need to get out more.

Anyway, go look, get a giggle. I hope.

Oh, Mr. Costner, he tries so hard

From the NY Post... yes, a Bull Durham sequel.

I bet it'll be nearly as good as "Slapshot II."

MNF Madness: Saints-Vikings

Just an absurd game tonight in the Bayou.

In the first half, the hometown Saints outgained the Vikings by a 5 to 1 margin in the first half, only to be down 17-10. Credit Martin Grammatica for a hopelessly bad field goal attempt that was blocked and returned for a touchdown, as well as some breathtakingly bad moments from the skill position players.

In the second half, it got really freaking weird. The Vikings decided to punt to Reggie Bush, despite the fact that he took two of them (!) to the house, and might have had a third if he could have kept his feet. Gus Frerotte (!) then came back after nearly being decapitated to throw a long touchdown to Bernard Berrian, on a play where Berrian almost got killed by his own teammate on a simultaneous double post pattern. The Saints were penalized 17 times. Grammatica came back after the blocked kick to hit from 53 yards away. Despite the high score, both defenses were absolutely murderous with the hitting, with Antonio Winfield becoming the first guy to have a sack, blocked kick, fumble recovery touchdown and blocked kick return touchdown in the same game.

Was that all? Hell no. Brees should sue for non-support. I've always thought that interceptions shouldn't always be given to the QB. With three minutes left in the first half, Brees hit WR Lance Moore in the hand on a short out. Moore reacted to this by tapping the ball into the air and falling down, setting up the interception for the opportunistic Vikings defense. On another play, Bush fumbled after having his head nearly torn off on a facemask penalty that wasn't called, as the cursed Ed Hochuli found himself in the crosshairs Yet Again. (He also whiffed on an Adrian Peterson fumble call with 1:11 left. Seriously, Ed, give it up.)

As for the Saints, this counts as the second game where employing a Grammatica turned out to be, well, as dumb as employing a Grammtica. His bad miss with 2 minutes left opened the door for a Vikings team that really should have been too stupid to win a game -- honestly, you kicked it to Bush twice? -- but hey, the Saints DNA runs deep.

The Saints D actually played really well -- they held Adrian Peterson to less than 2 yards a career -- but they couldn't stop Berrian (6 catches for 110, and a clear pass interference that set up the winning field goal).

It was just craziness from end to end, from two teams that are just way too flawed -- and both of them are now 2-3 -- to be any meaningful kind of playoff threat... but what the heck, it's the NFL. No one knows anything, least of all the winning coach tonight. (Seriously, Brad Childress kicked it to Bush twice. He eats paste. Winningly, but still.)

Oh, and the winning QB (Frerotte) gave a post-game interview in which he talked about being mildly concussed, and on HD, you could see the large purple welt on his forehead. At least it went with his laundry color, and it's not like Gus doesn't have experience with Head Trauma. Matter of fact, after watching this game, I think *I* have head trauma...

Round 1 is in the books

With Boston putting a stake in the Angels tonight, Round 1 of the MLB playoffs is in the books, and so is our little picks game. No one got all four rounds correct, and with the points doubling in the second round, it's still anyone's Garment of Greatness.

Simon 85
Brian 85
Bullet 80
Will 75
Shooter 60
Al 55
Truth 30
HHR 30
Liston 25
Chief 25

Post your picks in the comments...

FTT Book Club: The Entitled

When I was but a wee teenager and searching for a purpose / occupation in life, I gravitated to sports writing. Eventually, I discovered that I wanted to dress better than a homeless man outside of a sports merchandise clearance store (seriously, the profession as a whole is so much about The Free, it's terrifying), and eat something more than Bottom Ramen. There was also that pesky matter of college loans to take care of.

But anyway, before I thought better of it, I wanted to be a sports writer. One of the reasons why was Frank Deford. On a whim, I bought his recent novel, "The Entitled."

The book concerns itself with the inner workings of a fictional Cleveland Indians team where the manager, a longtime minor-league coach who sacrificed family for career, is about to be fired, presumably for not getting the most out of his star outfielder... when the outfielder is a suspect in a rape case. A case in which the manager may have seen the victim.

Deford is able to move the point of view among his various protagonists and make them all believable. He's also able to make his baseball scenes seem real without making them overly complex; it's the kind of book that you can read, then share with a non-fan. It's also fairly intriguing in that none of the characters are without sin, and Deford trusts his audience enough to make the ending less than airtight.

The book's blurbs make it sound like it's "Eight Men Out" or better; it's not. But Deford has a lifetime of good work behind him, which means a little hyperbole is to be expected, and he really can write. It's worth a read.

Epic Drop: Top 11 reasons to root for the Rays

Tonight, the Rays continued Chicago's October Of Misery (well, at least Baseball Misery -- the football team is surprisingly feisty with Kyle Orton) by dispatching the White Sox in 4. The win ensured my first round lead in the Playoff Party bet with the Truth, and inspired the list that goes to 11. Go take a look, will you?

Act like you've been there

Hey, kids! It's time for Shooter's weekly or less foray into the stuff that makes so many of you hate humanity -- politics!

Now, depending on which polls you read and believe -- and oh dear God in heaven, if we want to have a better functioning democracy, the first thing we should do is make this activity off-limits to the media, since the poor dears can't cover anything but the numbers -- the Blue Guy is pulling away from the Red Guy. And if you don't believe me, you can ask Red Guy Karl Rove, who just flipped his projections to Blue over the weekend.

Now, I've been rooting for the Blue Guy for a long time now, so I know how the game is played. When Blue Guy is losing, Blue People question their will to live. Some of us take the Emigration Daydream, wonder if we'd have been better off letting the South secede, console ourselves with the fact that well, this Red Guy can't possibly be worse than this other Red Guy, and just, well, generally Assume The Position.

When Blue Guy is ahead, however, Blue People worry. It's all a cruel tease! Don't notice! Work harder! We're doomed! Remember that other election where we thought Blue Guy was gonna win, and then he didn't? It's just like that one! People are stupid and we're all gonna die! Waah! Waah!

And furthermore, Waaaahhhh!

Similarities to Cubs Fans abound, really. And that's not a good moment for anyone's brand, really, to be compared to Cubs Fan.

When Red Guy is ahead, Red People react in one of two ways. If they are Red People of means, they rub their hands together in that good Uriah Heap / Monty Burns way, tell the servants to throw some fresh orphans on the fire, and party down while never actually being on the one.

Red People of no means just shoot their guns in the air (presumably, they think the air is where the Blue People live), drink something from Cousin Skeeter's #1 still (the Good Times still, as opposed to the Blindness Still), and eventually pass out after procreation. Ain't no party like a Red People party!

As for how Red People behave when they think they are going to lose... well, that's just it. They don't think that way. They have confidence that Blue Guy will screw it up, that their media will do what they need it to do, and that Blue People can bring anything down with their baggage. They save their recriminations and hate for *after* Red Guy loses, at which point he is never heard from again. (Don't believe me? Find Bob Dole. Even the Viagra people have moved on.)

And who knows, they might be right. At the very least, Blue People certainly do take the fun out of winning. By the way, Red People, your Emigration Daydreams seem to start and end with Australia, since they are white, drink and screech English. It's good timewaste.

Now, for my fellow Blue People, a simple plea in the remaining time that we have left before we tear our Blue Guy to ribbons for not being Blue Enough... um, dare to imagine that you are actually going to win this thing. Delude yourself into the belief that something you want can actually occur. Put a cork in the killjoy and self-fulfilling prophecy that Blue Guy can't possibly win for whatever pet factors you've got working for you.

More importantly, take some joy in Red Guy losing.

Oh, and one more thing -- say the word Landslide. Out loud. It's fun.

Praise for small things

So last night, after the Steelers put the Jaguars to bed in their season of seeing just how much they can put on the QB...

I switched over to wallow in Red Soxery, as the most spoiled fans in sports congregated for their annual progression to the ALCS.

Amazingly, it didn't happen -- despite a shaky appearance from Bobby Thigpen II (aka K-Rod, who is going to make his next contract signer very, very unhappy), and a ton of men left on base all night. In the 12th, the Angels finally broke through with a hit from the previously series-less Erick Aybar, plating the beer truckian Mike Napoli, and hey presto... the Angels' 9-game post-season losing streak to the Bahstans was over. At only ten minutes to one. Who said sports blogging was something you could do outside of your day job?

I'd like to note, just because I constantly rag on crap announcing, that TBS Doesn't Suck. Sure, the nonstop Frank TV spots are enough to make you want to kill not just the "comedian" in question, but also each and every person who watches the show. Buck Martiniez's faux hick accent is also not something you really want to encourage. But here's what you don't see, or at least, not so much of that I've noticed quite yet.

> Pointless animations

> Nostril-cam views of the principals as they deal with The Pressure, Oh, The Pressure

> Celebrity Diversions

> Announcers telling you about how it was when they were playing

> Braying jackassery in the pre and post-game

Instead, you get Ernie Johnson (always good, and less than full of himself), various recent Hall of Fame players who seem to actually know something (Tony Gwynn, Cal Ripken, Dennis Eckersley), and a post-game interviewer who actually asks questions (Craig Sager, who one presumes most get a lot of road tail to dress like that in public).

The games are still way too damned long, and I defy anyone who doesn't have a personal stake in the laundry to watch without having something else to do during the dead zones -- I was writing for a while, then making some headway in a novel, having already folded the laundry. But for everything that sports telecasts gets wrong nowadays, TBS is surprisingly suck-free. Not that the Foxian Overlords, of course, will pay any attention to that...

Epic Drop: Top 10 Things Cubs Fan Doesn't Want To Hear Right Now

Your daily list is here, and at least I can count on the Cubs to make me feel better about, say, my Eagles fandom...

Disgust

Y'know, folks, there are days when filling the bloghole is just no fun. Mostly, those days involve a dispiriting Eagles loss. Seven quick points from a day to forget...

> Brian Westbrook's not healthy, or if he is, he's just not that healthy anymore. On several occasions, especially in the second half, he wasn't able to move the chains on plays he usually makes, with the most notable case being where the aged London Fletcher caught him in the flat from behind. Once again, you see how much the offense needs Westbrook to be good; without him, there is no margin for error, especially on a day when the wideouts are dropping balls.

> The really discouraging point about today's game was the way the defensive line got pushed around. I could cite a lot of stats here -- 203 yards on the ground for the Redskins, a clear win in time of possession, the inability to force a punt in the last seven minutes of the game, after cutting the lead to six -- but here's the quick and easy takeaway -- 30 pass attempts for the visitors, one sack. I don't remember it, either. When you can't stop the run, you aren't a football team.

> The loss drops the Eagles to 2-3 and in serious trouble in the East, with two of the losses in the divison, and the rest of the division looking very sound indeed. The NFC East plays the NFC West this year, and the AFC North -- which means, really, that falling behind in the division most likely means that the only good chance you have for gaining ground is head to head. Unless they somehow go 4-0 in their remaining division games, it's getting hard to see how they are a playoff team.

> If you are looking for encouragement -- and I don't know why -- Reggie Brown looked good today, which was useful, given how the Redskins were determined to take DeSean Jackson out of the mix. If and when Kevin Curtis comes back, the team has a lot of weapons on the outside. Maybe some of them even good.

> Once again, David Akers misses from distance, and the other team makes all of their long distance shots. That never gets old.

> Is this the year where the team just can't score when they are inside the opponent's 2-yard-line? Shane Andrews, Eagles Nation turns its lonely eyes to you.

> Oh, and just to add to my misery, I got to hear about what a wonderful game it was from Joe Buck and Troy Aikman, and how multiple penalties that seemed as sure as hell like pass interference to me, well, weren't. My hate of Fox isn't just limited to their "News" department, folks.

Next week, at San Francisco. I'm expecting a bounce-back, but then again, I was expecting that this week, too.

NCAA Winning Picks Week 6

Wow. 1-4 last week, 1-5 when you count on the double bet. This lackluster showing brings the Truth season to 13-13 in total bets. Pretty pathetic by the Truth's standards. I'm either nailing it each week or on the receiving end. All you have to do is figure out which and you could clean up. Gotta change the mojo again so we're road tripping. 6 road teams to choose from. I'm predicting a 5-1 week.

Texas Tech -7 @ Kansas State. I'd be willing to lay up to 13 or 14 points here so it feels like a value bet. Tech scores at will and K State's D looks a little limp this year.

Kansas -11.5 @ Iowa State. Another spread that surprised me. I thought it would be around 18 or so. More value. The Jayhawks are 12-4 ATS with conference opponents the past 3 years so look for that trend to continue.

Illinois +2 @ Michigan. Yes, I'm picking against Michigan again this week. Unlike Wisconsin, Illinois has a pretty good offense and Michigan has proven over the past 2 years they can't handle an athletic QB. The Juice will be loose in Ann Arbor.

Mizzou -10.5 @ Nebraska. It's a pity both these teams can't lose. But this spread is WAY too low. I could see Mizzou as a 3 TD favority. Their offense is just that good. I'm not sure the Mizzou punter will see the field on Saturday.

Texas -13 @ CU. I'm a bit nervous about this one. Would have loved to see this spread at 10. But UT is 4-0 against the spread this year so let's hop on board.

Ohio State -1 @ Wisconsin. Beanie should be playing the entire game and Wisconsin showed last week they have some issues on offense. I should point out that Ohio State is 0-4 ATS this year. But don't you want to be there when they cover?

It's Gonna Happen

Yes it is Cubs fan. Yes it is.

That stupid slogan has been knocking around Chicago for 2 seasons now. Leave it to Cubs fans to pick a slogan that comes back to bite you in the ass. Brilliant. But if you call yourself a Cubs fans, you've pretty much publicly claimed you aren't a genius. And these stupid white flags with a blue W that have been flying around Chicago this year - won't miss seeing those either.

Full disclosure here - I'm a Cards fan. Have been since the early 80's when my family moved to St. Louis. I've seen some great Cards teams and some pretty lousy ones. But I've never seen Cardinals fans turn on their team like the Cubs fans turned on theirs last night. In fact, I'm pretty pissed off at Cubs nation right now. You took the pure joy and satisfaction that I receive watching the Cubs lose in the playoffs. My early Christmas disappeared as I started to feel bad for the Cubs players. But the sulking and whining by the Cubs fans brought on a cathartic moment. I realized I don't despise the Cubs. I despise their fans. Truly pathetic. Their self loathing, turn on their team in a moments notice, and general fear of anything good happening would make a Philly sports fan blush.

Cubs fan doesn't deserve a good team. Not from what I witnessed last night. And man, you should hear local talk radio in the Chicagoland area this morning. "What is Lou doing? Cubs are chokers. Why didn't they pitch Z in game 1? D Lee should be released. Sorianno blows. Why did the Cubs print up World Series tickets already?" Cry, bitch, moan. But it made me feel better hearing them complain. It's not a fitting end to a baseball season without Cubs fan crying about something.

And look, this series isn't over. The Cubs could still come back by winning three straight. But does anyone believe that is going to happen? And for all you young kids out there who are considering becoming a Cubs fan, here is a video that I hope scares you straight.

Other People's Shame

You know what's the best/worst thing about watching playoff baseball? The yummy, yummy tears of the losing team's fans when it's a home game. With the Bad News Cubs falling into another big early hole en route to a big late loss last night, TBS had plenty of time to find distressed looking Cub diehards to show as they stared the long, frozen stare of disappointment out at their suddenly stricken club. Carlos Zambrano turned in his best start since throwing the no-hitter; it didn't matter. The Dodgers just kept making the plays, taking advantage of myriad Cub defensive mistakes, and all in all, looking like a remarkably bloodless killing machine. You know, one that wasn't playing with One Hundred Years Of Woe Is Us in their laundry.

Oh, and it doesn't hurt at all that they've got Manny Ramirez on what will likely be the last and best defining hot streak of his life, before he signs some ginormous contract for the Yankees and becomes Sheffield II, Electric Boogaloo. His bomb to center field last night was like watching a golfer who is five strokes up on the 18th take out the driver anyway and crush it; completely unnecessary and yet pretty danged great, because, hey, wow, I didn't know humans could do that. At this point when ManRam goes deep, it's almost expected, and that sound you heard when he did it was his agent, Scott Boras, cackling as he orders another ivory backscratcher, this one made entirely out of late-trimester aborted elephant fetuses, for that extra ounce of E-Vile.

If your taste for abject self-pity wasn't sated by last night's telecast from Woefully Field (soon to be have its naming rights sold to some bank, then bought out at taxpayer expense to become the US Tresury Rescue Program's Woe Is All Of We Field), then you should just click over to the 9,531 word embarrassment that our old friend The Bad Tooth put up at the World Wide Lemur. (For people who are new to the site or Blogfrica, you may also know these things as Simmy Boy, The Four Letter, or just Boston Douchebag at Network Douchebag. And so we move on.)

Wait, I'm afraid you missed something in the middle of that last paragraph. Let me put it out in bold relief, so we're all aware of it.

Nine thousand, five hundred and thirty one words.

No, seriously.

In it, you will learn:

> How very, very awful it is to have the temptation to go out drinking with your favorite athletes on someone else's check

> That when an athlete quits on his team and the team ships him out, an E-Vile Sports Agent (Boras, naturally) has to be The Culprit... rather than, say, the freaking maroon who HIRED HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE, because the E-VILE AGENT HAS MYSTICAL MIND CONTROL POWERS

> How the 3-4 hitters of a team that has won two championships is just the same as Ruth-Gehrig (my, how the modern standards have fallen)

> That a guy that leaves million dollar paychecks lying around uncashed is somehow lovable or wacky, rather than the jaw-dropping and embarrasing embodiment of a system that causes simmering resentment, distance and distaste between athletes and fans

> That the Red Sox do not, it would seem, offer direct deposit

> The degree to which the author is a spoiled child, in that it wasn't enough that his team has won twice in four years by buying players like, well, Manny Ramirez... they also have to, it seems, win more championships with them, despite age and declining skills, because, dammit, There's Love Involved Here

> That life Just Isn't Fair (waaah!), because he has to live with the possibility that Coke might swoop in and buy ManRam after his many years of working for Pepsi... and that there is no chance that hated rival will, of course, sign said player to a ruinous contract where they pay for a declining circus

Finally, this. I get the appeal of Woe Is Me. I am, after all, an Eagles, Sixers and A's Fan who plays in five fantasy sports leagues (1 baseball, 3 football, 1 basketball) while commishing three of 'em, and I play poker every month or so. Bitching about the hand you've been dealt and your awful, awful luck is a universal thing.

But at what point did we decide this was, well, entertainment?

When I'm bent about my fortunes, I generally try to Shut The Hell Up (yes, I know, not always)... because it's Boring To Listen To. It's shameful to engage in. It's a cry for attention and sympathy for a game -- not your career, your relationship, your family, or anything else of real and lasting value -- not going your way.

I'm also going to let all of you Public Woers -- and most specifically, Bad Tooth, in on a little secret. This life thing? It's not going to end well. Those aches and pains aren't temporary. The increasing creepiness that you generate from watching teenage girl entertainment, the sense that your music is no longer with it... that's all here to stay. Along with the improperly located hair, the sense that all of these athletes aren't as good or as lovable as When You Were Young, and the urge to declare everything as going to Hell In A Handbasket -- well, welcome to Flavor Country. Adapt.

So, to Cub Fan and The Bad Tooth and all of the rest of you that will be on my screen and Oh So Sad soon... I'm very, very sorry for your loss. You're very, very brave for telling me how you feel. You'll feel better soon, maybe after a nice long cry, a warm bath, maybe some milk and cookies and cuddling with your favorite stuffed bear.

Now, um, can we all move on, and maybe talk about say, sports?

Ain't No Stink Job Like A Cub Stink Job

I couldn't stay up late enough to see the final body count, but when I finally gave up on the NLDS tonight, the series score was Dodgers 17, Cubs 2.

If you're in the Chicago area and want to meet The Truth, just look for the guy with the biggest shit-eating grin you ever did see...

Epic Drop: Top 11 Current NFL Careers That History Won't Be Overly Kind To

A murderer's row of guys that were more style than substance, who won't be missed. Nice little argument starter here, really, so go check it out.

Week Five NFL Picks: Not In The Face

Last week, very little went right with this column, and we gave back many of the gains that we made in the first three weeks. Between the Broncos, Steelers, Eagles, Cowboys and Bengals, we couldn't buy a break (and by break, we mean "game changing injury that came out after the picks were made"). Just one of the perils of a Thursday column, really.

Meanwhile, I stomped two of my three fantasy leagues, and would have been completely fine with the week had Correll Buckhalter simply gotten another yard.

The lesson, as always... if you simply have enough irons in the fire with the NFL, some of them have to come out for you. My choice is in CAPS. So enjoy, and on to the picks!

CHICAGO at Detroit (+3.5)

A classic trap game, if you believe in such things. The Bears were lucky to win last week and will be traveling to face a team coming off the bye. But I'm still going with the road team, because the Lions won't be able to run the ball against the Bears, and Jon Kitna will turn the ball over. Also, they are the Lions, and they suck.

Besides, and I hate to say this out loud... but Kyle Orton doesn't look like the worst quarterback in the league. He might even be the best one in this game.

Bears 24, Lions 17

Atlanta at GREEN BAY (No line)

This one's off the board because people don't know if Aaron Rodgers will play or not. Even if he doesn't, I like the Pack to win this one, as Ryan Grant finally (FINALLY) pays off for his fantasy league owners, most of whom are probably out of the running by now anyway.

The Packers could miss DL Cullen Jenkins in this game, which is worrisome given the good Falcons' running game. But I'm betting that Matt Ryan is just not ready to beat a good team on the road, and won't be for at least another year... and I really do suspect that Rodgers will play, and play well.

Packers 27, Falcons 16

SAN DIEGO at Miami (+6.5)

The Chargers come off a suck-out cover for the ages against the Kiffin-less Raiders, while the Dolphins sat home and watched that Patriot game film while giggling like schoolkids.

It's another one of those trap games that I don't quite buy, and I'm thinking the Dolphin defense will look more like the El Foldo outfit that got torched by the Cardinals, rather than the shutdown outfit that blanked the Patriots. (Why? Because Phillip Rivers can throw the ball more than 20 yards. Admittedly, not much more than that, but hey.)

Chargers 31, Dolphins 24

Seattle at NEW YORK GIANTS (-7.0)

A Seahawks team that never travels well meets a Giants team that's coming off a bye. At least they get to avoid the ugliness that is Plaxico Burress, who will be serving a one-game suspension for being Plaxico Burress, and they're getting closer to having actual wideouts. They'll also need to generate some turnovers against Eli Manning, especially because they really aren't going to be able to generate much on the ground with Julius Jones.

For the Giants, I think they eventually turn the Seahawks' line into hamburger with their three-headed running back attack. I also suspect Matt Hasselbeck will taste turf fairly often. But if the line were 10.5, I'd be tempted to go the other way.

Giants 28, Seahawks 20

WASHINGTON at Philadelphia (-6.0)

This line makes no sense. Washington has won three straight games, handling the Cowboys at home. The Eagles might still be without the services of Brian Westbrook. The Redskins have gotten better every week. The Eagles have been wildly up and down, with strong performance at home and weak efforts on the road. This series always produces close games, and the Eagles defense has been disturbingly generous to the passing game. I'm very afraid of Chris Cooley in this game, and the very rejuvenate Santana Moss might also produce. Remember, as well, that the 'Skins won last year in Philadelphia, so it's not like they can't do it again.

Having said all of that, I think this is the week that the Eagles' special teams makes a big play, and I don't think Clinton Portis runs for more than 60 yards in this game. So... a win, but no cover. No way.

Eagles 24, Redskins 20

KANSAS CITY at Carolina (-9.5)

Another line that I think is kind of nuts, in that Kansas City got frisky last week against the Broncos, and Larry Johnson got off the mat from his early lead as Fantasy Bust 2008. The betting public agrees, as it's moved down from 11 earlier in the week.

This Panthers team is prone to keeping a bad team around, and I don't really buy their running game enough to think that Jake Delhomme is going to have time all day. Damon Huard gives the Chiefs a little too much juice for a blowout.

Panthers 24, Chiefs 17

Tennessee at BALTIMORE (-3)

Another game where the starting line has moved significantly (from a pick'em game), as the public really isn't seeing a 5-0 Titans record, despite their extremely good defense, and a short week for the Ravens.

As I wrote in the Monday night round-up, I like this Ravens team more in defeat than I did in victory. Derrick Mason still has some jump, Joe Flacco looks like he's better than the average rookie, and fullback LaRon McClain is an absolute power running monster. For the Titans, Kerry Collins has given them some life in the wideouts, and the slow rollout of stud rookie running back Chris Johnson has given them exactly what they needed. It wouldn't stun me if both of these teams make the post-season, though neither of them should go deep.

Anyway, the pick... count on the Ravens defense to make a play or two, and for that to be the difference. If you like 1970s football with plenty of running, lots of hitting, and a game time of well less than three hours, this is your game of the week.

Ravens 17, Titans 13

INDIANAPOLIS at Houston (+3)

I like this Houston team, I really do. They covered last week in Jacksonville in one of my few good reads, and rookie back Steve Slaton is going to save my keeper league team from utter uselessness. But with the hurricane, the near-misses and the lack of emergence from the defense (what, is Mario Williams trying to go back from the assessment that he's better than Reggie Bush?), it's just not going to happen for them this year.

Especially with a Colts team that got the bye just when they needed it, with Jeff Saturday back from injury, and Dallas Clark rounding back into shape as well. This is the kind of game that Peyton Manning just doesn't lose, and the reason why the Colts win so many games, year after year.

Colts 31, Texans 24

Tampa Bay at DENVER (-3)

No one saw the loss to the Chiefs coming, really -- even though they seem to lose in Arrowhead every year -- and the Bucs looked extremely physical in taking out the Packers last week at home. But this is the kind of game where I think the road team really has trouble with pace and altitude, and if it gets to shootout, Brian Griese is Brian Griese.

I think Jay Cutler, Brandon Marshall and Eddie Royal are good enough to expose the Tampa cover two, and for this to be the kind of loss that hurts the Bucs all year, as other teams use it to find weaknesses.

Oh, and there's also this: Mike Shanahan will know how to game plan for Griese. Even with this defense.

Broncos 34, Bucs 24

Cincinnati at DALLAS (-17)

Is there a line where you don't take the Cowboys in this game? Well, maybe... but it's not 17, especially if there's any more Ryan Fitzpatrick to be seen. The Cowboys are a little fragile right now, especially with the long-overdue return of Bad TO. (He comes out when the team loses. Y'all should have realized this by now.) Which really sets the bar high for Blowout; they are going to want to Prove A Point about what happened last week.

What's really going to crush this Bengal team isn't the passing game; it's the fact that last week's game proved to everyone that when the Cowboys forget about the running game and try to force the ball to Owens, they get a heck of a lot easier to defend. Expect to see 30+ carries for Barber and Felix Jones, 200+ yards on the ground, and a rested defense forcing turnovers.

There's also this: the Bengals are winless for a reason, and that reason is that they are gutless punks that will quit on contact. That's what happens when your talent department brings in people like Chris Henry and Cedric Benson. The corrupt take over. Marvin Lewis can't get fired fast enough, but it's really more of a Mike Brown problem.

Cowboys 38, Bengals 17

BUFFALO at Arizona (pick 'em)

Buffalo's magical schedule season continues with a road game in the desert against a Cardinals team that just looked helpless on defense against the Jets last week. Honestly, it's hard to overestimate how open the Jet receivers were in that game, and how there were, really, no bad choices of who to throw the ball to. Brett Favre went from a guy who didn't know the offense to a guy throwing six touchdowns. I trust Lehman Brothers more than I do the Cardinls' defense right now.

I don't see that getting fixed all of a sudden, but odd things do happen when East Coast teams go to Arizona. Also, it seems more likely than not that the Cardinals will be without the services of Anquan Boldin, who suffered a broken sinus in one of the scariest hits you'll ever see last week.

The Cards will score points anyway, because Kurt Warner is playing fine when he's given any kind of time to throw, and he'll get that at home. But I don't think they win. This one smells like one of those last-second Bills magic games, or similarly, a last second Neil Rackers miss. He's good at that.

Bills 28, Cardinals 27

NEW ENGLAND at San Francisco (+3)

You couldn't imagine this line at the start of the season, but much has happened, and it's hard to overstate just how badly the Patriots got crunched by the Dolphins at home before the bye.

The Niners have been frisky, with wins at Seattle and over Detroit, but they got exposed a bit on the road in New Orleans, and it's hard to imagine a Belichick team playing that badly after a bye week. Frank Gore could have a big game against the slow Pats linebackers, but the Niners can't protect JT O'Sullivan, and the Patriots' defensive line is still good.

If New England loses this game, you can forget about the postseason, but I don't see that happening. Keep an eye out to see how the visitors get Randy Moss involved, because he's well on his way to that Raider Era Nonchalance that can just kill a team...

Patriots 24, Niners 17

PITTSBURGH at Jacksonville (-4)

The Steelers were down to their last healthy running back (Mewelde Moore) before signing the sports blogosphere's darling, Najeh "My Obituary Has Already Been Written, And It Leads With Pooping In My Girlfriend's Hamper" Davenport. The Jaguars were a long Josh Scobee field goal away from starting 0-3; now, after an overtime win against the snakebitten Texans, they are 2-2 and poised to be a force in the surprisingly vulnerable AFC South.

The Steelers are as good as you can be when your offensive line is borderline horrible. Seriously, if Ben Rothlesberger wasn't good at escaping from pressure, this team would be DOA. The Jaguars are as good as you can be when your wideouts could appear on milk cartons. Neither team seems like what they should be, but both could easily pull it together in a down year for the AFC. Really, it's the most intriguing game on the slate this week; Titans-Ravens may have better records, but it'll be harder on the eyes.

The pick here is for the Steelers to cover, if not win, because the Jags are terrible about putting teams away. Also, the Steelers have good special teams, and this Jags' team isn't as good at stopping the run as they'll need to be.

Jaguars 27, Steelers 24

Minnesota at NEW ORLEANS (-3)

Desperation time for the 1-3 Vikings, who got taken apart by that Titans defense last week on the road. The Saints enjoyed home cooking against the Niners, and even resuscitated their running game with the return of Deuce McAllister. Saints QB Drew Brees is looking like a borderline MVP candidate this year, as he's put up huge numbers despite missing Marques Colston and Jeremy Shockey. I think it'll continue against the Vikings, who just don't have the firepower to keep up on the road.

Besides, if the Saints have a power running game (and, eventually, healthy front-line receivers), they might have the best offense in the league. Yes, that includes Denver, because I don't trust Denver to run the ball well, and the Cowboys, because I just think Brees and Colston are better than Romo and Owens.

Saints 28, Vikings 20

Last week: 4-9

Year to date: 33-27

Epic Drop: Top 10 Sports-Related Halloween Costumes for 2008

Today's link is good fun, if I do say so myself, and might even prove useful to you, especially if you've got a girl who likes to do funny for Halloween, rather than slutty. (And if you do, I'm sorry. Halloween is for vice, dammit.)

Wow, wow, wow.

From Illicit Ohio by way of Very Short List, your walking tour of the 100% abandoned Mike Tyson mansion.

For fans of sheer unmitigated waste, this is your link of the year. Go, go, go.

MLB Playoff Party Picks

As part of the site's mission statement to cause our own pain, the Truth and I will square off in our usual playoff picks challenge. The loser has to write something really, really painful. Scoring is as follows: 20 points for picking the winning team, 10 for choosing the number of exact games, 5 for being one off with the winner. Each round doubles.

While one of us will lose, one of you will win . We'll be awarding a Garment of Greatness (aka, a Five Tool Tool T-shirt) to the commenter with the highest score, so post yours in the comments. It's great for cleaning up spills, scaring small children, and getting you nooky with girls with low self-esteem. (If you are a girl, it'll make your breasts perkier.) So pick already!


Milwaukee-Philadelphia

Yovani Gallardo works Game One, just the fifth time he'll pitch in this year, for a Brewer team that staggered into the post-season. They'll face Phillies ace Cole Hamels, who should be good here. Game two has workhorse CC Sabathia against second-half superstar Brett Myers, and Game Three gives you Jamie Moyer against Jeff Suppan. Game four is said to be Dave Bush against Hamels in the game where the Brewers will miss Ben Sheets the most, and Five, if necessary, would be Sabathia against Myers.

The Phils have home field, rested aces, and unlike the Brewers, healthy starters. They also have fresh reasons for despair, in that Pat Burrell is having back issues, but the Brew bullpen is just shaky enough to give them late-game magic. Besides, they turned their year around with a 4-game sweep that cost Ned Yost his job just a few weeks ago; they think they can beat this team like a drum at home, and they will.

CC has made himself ridiculous money from his three-month NL sabbatical, but it ends here and somewhat decisively, despite the fact that we're talking about more or less even teams. Oh, and watch for a crippling fielding error from the Brewers; they are better than they were last year since Ryan Braun was banished to the outfield, but still not that good. Phillies in four.

Los Angeles-Chicago

The Cubs were a whopping 13 games better than the Dodgers this year while playing in a tougher division. The series starts with Derek Lowe vs. the suddenly dominant Ryan Dempster, followed by Chad Billingsley against Carlos Zambrano. Game three has Rich Harden against Hideki Kuroda, with Game Four being Ted Lilly against Greg Maddux.

Basically, the Cubs should have an edge in every pitching matchup of this series, along with an edge in the starting lineups. The bullpens are more or less a wash, with both closer situations being less than airtight. Hell, I even like the Cubs in the dugout, as Lou Pinella works against Joe Torre; Torre has more rings, but it's not like any of them have come in this century, and he doesn't usually do as well when his team is just ordinary.

If the Cubs can limit the damage from the ludicrously hot Manny Ramirez and a crippling injury to the very good but very worrisome Zambrano / Harden combo, they should sweep. But Derek Lowe has a history of post-season success, and the Cub fan base is all about me-me-me drama, whereas no one is really expecting that the Dodgers are going to be around for long. I think the series is close and tough, but Greg Maddux in Game 4 is a real worry, as he's just not a big-game pitcher anymore. Cubs in 4.

Los Angeles-Boston

Kind of a mirror to Dodges-Cubs, except that in this case, the better team is out West. The Angels coasted to postseason with a 100-win year, ignited in the second half by the suspiciously low-priced trade of Mark Teixiera to really make that lineup go. Boston failed to catch Tampa in the pennant race and has injury issues to go with some shakiness in the late inning pen, though closer Jonathan Papelbon continues to be one of the game's best.

Pitching wise, this goes Jon Lester versus John Lackey, then an off day before Dice-K against Ervin Santana. Once the series moves to Boston, it's Joe Saunders aginst Josh Beckett, and the off day means that both teams are going to skip their fourth starter, at least at present. Santana at home is a lot better than Santana on the road, but Dice has also been living with great fortune -- you don't often see an 18-2 record and sub 3-run ERA with a 1.32 WHIP, mostly from a lot of walks. Lester and Lackey are both great, and Saunders is serviceable. The wild card is Beckett, who has been awful at times this year and fighting through injuries.

Lineup wise, Boston's beat up, and David Ortiz has not been himself all year. Jason Bay's a good player and not a drama fest, but he hasn't been otherworld Manny in the stretch. (Left aside: Manny wouldn't have been, either.) When your offensive MVP is Dustin Pedroia, that's a nice story, but it's not a great offense.

I like the Angels here, but it won't be easy or pretty, especially since this thing lines up very nicely for a big Boston comeback after falling behind. Whoever wins Game One will win the series, and as good as Lester has looked in big moments this year, that's surprisingly close. Angels in five.

Tampa-Chicago

Do you believe in momentum? Then you will love this ChiSox team, who has won multiple elimination games to get the maiden Rays. Tampa was 8 games better in the regular season and has dramatically better pitching, along with a roaring new home crowd and dome that will prove highly irritating to the visitors from Chicago.

Game One has Javier Vazquez going against James Shields, while Game Two gives us Mark Buehrle facing the electric stuff of Scott Kazmir. Game three in Chicago has elimination game hero Gavin Floyd (yes, the Phillies could use him) against Matt Garza, while Game Four has both teams going to Andy Sonnastine versus Jon Danks.

The Rays have the better starting nine, a manager that isn't prone to the crazy talk, a home crowd that will probably clear anything and the better starters. They also will have the usual doubters citing their lack of playoff experience, and at some point in these playoffs, the health of closer Troy Percival and the mental stability of talented head case BJ Upton will prove fatal. I also think they are kind of nuts for trying to turn David Price into Joba Chamberlain at this point in his career, though when you see his stuff, I get why they are falling into temptation.

Anyway, the Rays will lose... but not this early. Tampa in 4.