Countdown to Letdown

So the Wizards make the first splash in the NBA free agent season by... signing their own guy, Antawn Jamison, to a deal. As a SIxers fan, I'm supposed to care about this, because the Sixers were intersted in going after the one-time Tarheel and Warrior... and, um, yeesh. I realize that the Sixers need more scoring from their bigs, and Jamison can do that... but they do realize that he's primarly a garbage scorer and three-point shooter that, at age 32, isn't going to be getting better, right?

Antwan works hard and that's a tolerable contract as NBA contracts go, but he's also a defensive sieve and black hole. He's never been a part of any team that's gone deep into the playoffs... and maybe I'm just a big lover of young potential, but I'd much rather see Thaddeus Young get major minutes, rather than watch the known quantity of Jamison.

So, is there a free agent on the market that I'd like to see on the Sixers, seeing how they are one of the few teams with cap money to spend? Sure. If they can take the very useful James Posey away from Boston, that helps them and hurts their rival. Mikael Pietrus could be a useful part of the rotation, especially if you think you can work on the holes in his game (and he's still kind of young, I guess). Maybe Shaun Livingston is worth a gamble, depending on where his rehab is; he might also come relatively cheap. Corey Magette could finally give them a 3-point threat, and he's opted out of his deal with the Clips.

But all of that pales beyond the sheer dream that would be Elton Brand, who opted out of his deal with the Clips tonight. Get him, and you can go with Young, Brand and Dalembert up front, with Miller and Iguodala in the backcourt; it's still turnover-prone, but it can score from everywhere inside the three-point line, and it defends and runs. More than that, it lets everyone in the area know that the Sixers are actually serious about getting better and becoming more than just a low seed and first round exit.

Not that I'm, you know, getting my hopes up... and as I'm writing this, Baron Davis has announced that he's opting out of the Warriors, too. Last one out of Oaktown, please turn out the lights...

Flushing Najeh

Bad times for bloggers and other cheap joke lovers... Pittsburgh released Najeh Davenport, whose tombstone will almost certainly include the word "hamper" and "sordid." The writing was clearly on the wall with the team's first round pick of Rashard Mendenhall, as well as the free- agent pick-up of another source of low comedy, Medwelde Moore. (Moore, for the record, was on the Vikings Sex Boat, but if you wondering if Moore was the guy with the Whizzinator, not the case -- that was Onterrio Smith.)

Davenport's load was likely dumped in the playoffs, when he managed only 25 yards on 16 carries in the Steeler playoff loss to the Jaguars, though he did reach paydirt twice. You'd think that a guy with a 4.7 career yards per carry average, with a reasonable ability catch the ball in the flat (50 career catches, 9.7 average), could keep from circling the drain... but seeing how he's 29 already, the Steelers were not able to swing a trade for his rights.

My guess is that he'll surface somewhere as a back-up, and have fantasy league relevance once or twice more, because he's got plus size and the ability to break a tackle or two. Which would be his third team and an NFL career that's twice the NFL average... and a very real question of whether or not his extra curricular activities actually kept him in the league longer, because they gave him name recognition. (Is there another back in the league that has this resume that you're as familiar with? I'm thinking, well, no.)

Halfway to a Miracle

Forty nine wins and thirty two losses after 81 games gives you a 98 win pace (I'm good at math), and right now, an AL East crown. The team on that pace is your Tampa Bay Rays.

Here's how good the Rays are right now -- they are making Andy Sonnastine, a guy with a 4.6 ERA and a 1.39 WHIP, have a very real chance at 20 wins. He's even 6-0 after a loss. They're getting big RBI games from their backup catcher. They have the most wins in the first 81 games ever for a team that had the worst record in MLB the year before. Thanks to Boston losing to the Astros in Houston, they're in first, just in time for a 3-game set against the defending champions.

Can it continue? Well, since we're already into the unknown with their won-loss record, there's really no way to know. It might be hard to imagine Evan Longoria continuing his .875 OPS all year, but all the scouts saw this guy as a Rookie of the Year candidate, there's no reason why he can't. If anything, the offense might even get better, since Carlos Pena isn't likely to struggle all year.

Meanwhile on the pitching side, they've got a 3.69 team ERA, with Scott Kazmir's 2.28 ERA and 1.04 WHIP putting him heavily in the running for the AL Cy Young. James Shields and Matt Garza are both providing good innings and lots of them, and either would be the #2 starter in the Bronx right now. The back end of the rotation (Sonnastine and Edwin Jackson) isn't exactly dominant, but they've both managed to stay healthy and throw a significant amount of innings, which is keeping the bullpen fresh. There's even talk of them adding payroll -- yes, the Rays, adding payroll -- to get the extra arm or two they'd need to get over the hump.

There's also this: if karma and the rooting interest of non-affiliated fans have anything to do with it, the Rays are going to win this division in a walk. With the departure of Elijah Dukes, there isn't a genuine bad guy on the roster, and the fever dream of a playoff season without the Red Sox or the Yankees... would Fox even put the games on? Would MLB even count the results, or would there have to be a strike?

The Best Night Of My Month

Six months ago, I started a monthly poker night in my Man Space Basement, partly to make more friends in the area, and mostly just to play some low-stakes poker. Back in my penniless musician days, we used to play for nickels, dimes and quarters, with the biggest pots going around $10 to $15. We'd play all night for less than $20, with the kind of back-and-forth repartee that had everything to do with wasting time together, and little if anything to do with actual poker. So it was basically a nostalgia thing for me, and had next to nothing to do with the big national mania for hold'em.

The game now has taken on an every four weeks quality to it, with a slow core of local regulars starting to develop, buttressed by the occasional out-of-towner from Philly or New York. (I live about halfway between the two, with Philly roots and family, and a New York desk job.) The stakes have grown, not to the point where anyone is really getting hurt (we tend to have maximum buy-ins under the idea that no one is going to leave my home very mad), but enough where a sizable payday could mean you can fill your gas tank. And while I won't bore you to tears with the details of any specific game (though getting pocket kings the other night, and having two more show up on the flop, really was one of the highlights of my year)... well, I will say this.

If you aren't in a game, get in. And if you don't have a game, start one.

There's a reason why in-person cards is even better than online or against a machine, and that's simple -- in-person cards involves the spectacular disapora of trash talk, work stories, women stories, drunk stories... just stories, really. Running gags that teeter between exceptional irritation and utter hilarity. The actual attempts to play poker, balanced off your growing book of every player, mitigated against the fact that most of us are drinking, which doesn't do much for your book or your analysis skills. (How I know that I've been more lucky than good so far... the fact that drink seems to help. Woo hoo! Two great vices that go great together!) The knowledge that, in a low-limit game with guys that are more interested in having a good time than amassing career winnings and going on to the Pro Tour, that what you might see on television or read in a how-to book has nearly no use in what's going on here.

It's fantastic. It's the best day of my month. It's a vice that's even shared by the guy that might be our next President. (Yes, Obama plays, at least according to the New Yorker. They say he likes to see a lot of flops. I tell you, other than the intellect and the people and speaking skills and skin color, I'm so like this guy. In that I like poker and basketball, and breathe oxygen.)

And it's a great way to have, more or less, the same experience that your uncles and great-uncles and men for generations before you have known... that wasting time, with cards and with your friends, is one of the best ways to waste time that there is. (By the way, if you are local, we usually have a space or two open. Email me at dmt shooter at gmail dot com for an invite.)

Now, what are the blinds again?

Epic Drop: Top 10 Reasons Why Kerry Wood Flashed The Old Double Hi Sign

Your link is here, and really, it was fantastic timing on the part of Fox.. but I thought that all telecasts had a seven second delay now, to prevent this kind of thing? I smell a highly lucrative class-action lawsuit from everyone who had their children's development eternally scarred by this. Gimme gimme!

The Most Exciting Player In Baseball

Today in Shea, Jose Reyes continued his very special weekend (yesterday's getting picked off second base being also very special) by nonchalantly throwing wide to first base with two outs in the seventh. Carlos Delgado didn't make a play that he probably could have, and as Melky Cabrera rounded first and made it second on the error, Reyes threw his glove to the ground like, oh, a spoiled Little League player.

He executed it with a full turn, which let the sunglasses and glove both fall in different directions. Fairly artistic, especially in the slow-motion HD that you'll be seeing it in, oh, the 2,000+ replays that the Lemur will probably be favoring you with.

Oliver Perez then continued his inexplicable mastery of the Yankees by getting Jose Molina to fly out to center, ending the inning. The YES cameras then spent the rest of the game looking inside the Mets' clubhouse to see if Delgado was going to take Reyes' head off. In the ninth, Billy Wagner gave up a leadoff hit to Derek Jeter, then wild pitched him to second, but kept A-Rod in the park on a fly ball to right. After a Posada groundout, Wagner froze Wilson Betemit with a called third strike, and the Mets won 3-1 to get to .500, and salvaged a split in their 4-game Subway Series.

(Oh, and nice Pravda Moment from the SNY postgame, which failed to show the hissy fit. Way to cover your assets, gentlemen.)

The Reyes Incident, of course, led the telecast team to spend the rest of the game talking about Reyes' immaturity, and whether or not Willie Randolph misses having a job, and all of the usual points that you'd make, including a snide jab as to how no one was comparing the Mets' left side of the infield to the Yankees' left side now. But as always, I'd like to see some numbers.

First off, the number 25. That's how old Reyes is, on the off chance that you want to just chalk this up to Oh, That Impetuous Youth. Secondly, the number 675 -- which is the number of games that Reyes has played in the major leagues. I'm thinking that this is the Jose Reyes that's the real guy, folks. Immaturity be damned.

Next, 840 -- which is the Reyes OPS for the year, with a little more slugging than his career norms. The on-base is at .355 -- still not great for a leadoff hitter, but more or less what he's done in the past three years, and with his steals and extra-base power, he gets himself into position to score a lot of runs. Delgado's .725 OPS is the lowest of his life as a regular baseball player. So on the grand scale of things, perhaps you give your talented young player a little leeway, especially on a hot day.

But there's also this. Delgado had 9 RBIs in the first of Friday's doubleheader, and the go-ahead home run in today's game. He's also the closest thing this Mets team has to a veteran leader, especially with Moises Alou more or less done; no one is expecting this kind of thing from, say, Carlos Beltran. The first baseman can more or less kill a shortstop if he's really got a mind to, not that I'm really expecting Delgado to spend his time exacting a grudge; right now, he's doing everything he can to just stay in the majors.

And finally, um, he does know that he plays in New York, right? How badly did he want to be on the back page of the tabloids, looking like this?

Not Exactly An Ace

Yesterday in the thunder storm soup that was New York, Andy Petitte outdueled Johan Santana in a game that wasn't really a duel. Pettite's 8 baserunners in six innings added up to 2 earned runs, while Santana's same numbers added up to three earned runs. Combine this with an absolutely boneheaded Jose Reyes baserunning mistake, and after a rain delay and effective Yankee relief work -- yes, that was Kyle Farnsworth with a 1-2-3 eighth inning -- and the Mets missed another chance to get to .500.

What I really wanted to address, though, was Santana. The loss dropped him to 7-7, and while the other numbers aren't really bad (3.01 ERA, 1.25 WHIP, 3.33 K/BB with 103 strikeouts in 113 innings), he's been the classic ace on a not quite .500 team -- good, but not good enough. The go-ahead run came after an intentional walk to Jorge Posada to face Robinson Cano, and despite the lefty-lefty matchup, Santana gave up the solid single to right.

Santana's had eight unearned runs this year, which is one of those small but telling points... that he hasn't really picked up the team when they've really needed him. His last start involved a grand slam given up to Felix Hernandez, all of which were unearned, but when you give up the big fly to the opposing pitching from the AL, I'm thinking that should count as an earned run. Heck, maybe as double earned runs.

The lack of production has, of course, been noted by Mets Fan in the time-honored tradition of booing the talented Hessian. No matter what the team or situation, the fact remains that if you pay for a star and he doesn't deliver, he'll be booed harder than any struggling farmhand. You'd have thought that this kind of thing would have gone out of style by now, seeing how as baseball has been treating the MLB+ teams to this kind of behavior for decades, but nope...

There is also this: Santana was as close to a lead-pipe cinch to dominate this year. He was moving to the weaker league, a better pitcher's park, presumably more run support from the Mets than the Twins, and got to pitch to pitchers, rather than designated hitters. He went for an unholy amount of money in my auction league, and had to be no worse than a top 3 pick among SPs in any league. (This is also why, in general, you're crazy to pay too much for pitching in a fantasy league.)

So when he ranks 17th among SPs in the Yahoo game (not a perfect ranking, but so be it), that really doesn't cut it... especially for a team that's been .500 for a really long time, with really overinflated expectations.

Johan has been a second half monster for a long time now. The Mets are just four games out of the NL East, thanks to the recent stumbles of the Phillies. No team in the NL looks extraordinarily dominant, with the possible exception of the Cubs. If you're playing in a fantasy league with a guy who's failing with Santana on the roster, I can think of no better second half target.

But there he is, just another guy, rather than the best pitcher on one of the best teams. Maybe he's just not that special after all.

Credit When Due

Will Leitch's roast over at Deadspin had a very nice turn from, of all people, the Bad Tooth. Go check it out; he even gets to curse and seem to enjoy himself. It's like he went back in time. Maybe it is all the Lemur editors fault?

Sideshow Robin and the Jersey Tank Job

I was going to take a full miss on the NBA Draft this year, but then the sports blogosphere alerts came and made this image available, and who am I to turn a gift Sideshow in the mouth?

This is Robin Lopez, who has definite Juwanna Mann potential, and as that's my third WNBA reference in the past five days, I will now check to see if my nuts are still on my body.

Yup.

But only just.

For anyone who doubts the power of the Association as a top 3 league, I give you this fact... between Anderson Varaejo, Yannick Noah and Lopez, you have over a 10% chance in any NBA game of seeing a live-action Simpsons villain getting rotation minutes. What more could you want, really?

(Why a miss on the Draft? Because it honestly seemed like there's not much here this time. Color me unimpressed when the world thinks that several of the players in the lottery will be career back-ups. Even the top 2 picks of Rose and Beasley have obvious and startling holes. Rose can't shoot threes or free throws, which makes him Rajon Rondo, who was drafted in the 20s a few years ago. Beasley has the ever popular character issues, was listed three inches taller than reality, and will be a defensive sieve. Yum! I should have definitely written another 1500 words on this to make the site's long-suffering non-Association fans scroll furiously. Or, well, not.)

There is also this... I hate, hate, hate it when a team announces to its fans that it is tanking the year before the year even begins. And that is the only way that you can spin New Jersey trading a genuinely good player (Richard Jefferson, who admittedly will never put up his Playing With Jason Kidd numbers again) for two guys (Yi Jianlin and Bobby Simmons) who can't play, won't stay healthy, and will both be out of the Association in 3 years or less.

It's clear that the Nets are just clearing cap space to go after LeBron James, not that this ever works -- seriously, Nets fans, you do know that you're just getting suckered into a multiple year wait for a free agent signing that isn't going to happen. When a fan base is told, before the year even starts, that there is no hope for the year, and that assets are being sold off just to have cap space, that's reprehensible. It's fraud to charge full price for the tickets. As a Sixers fan, I feel very strongly about this: every fan base deserves to have the potential for hope before a season begins. What is your hope if you are a Nets fan -- that Devin Harris is somehow going to become Chris Paul? That Jianlin will somehow not be horrible? That Nenad Krstic will come again to exact Gandhi II-like justice?

Maybe I'm overstating the case here, and that Marcus and Sean Williams will emerge to give the team an exciting young nucleus, or that Vince Carter will decide to care and be the elder leader of the team. (Chance of this happening: Zero.) But in the meantime, the Nets should cut ticket prices. (Chance of this happening: Zero.)

Epic Drop: Top 11 Plans For When I Win The Mike And Mike Auction

Your link is here, and the astute reader will notice that there is no actual content here that betrays any specific knowledge of either Mike.

That's for one simple reason: I don't listen to their show. And normally, I'd feel bad about not doing the research, but let's face it... the blogging doesn't pay enough for that kind of ritualistic self-abuse. WNBA research is pleasant by comparison...

Epic Drop: Top 10 Unanswered Questions in the Javon Walker Case

Your link is here, and that bump and run joke is one that people will be making at Walker's expense for the rest of his time in the League. I'm thinking the over/under on that is two years, and that you might want to take the under...

Itch and Scratch

In this week's New Yorker is a long piece on the mechanics and treatment of itchiness. It's actually pretty fascinating. Among a lot of stuff about phantom limbs and mirror therapy, there was this: a fair amount of what we think is just a natural reaction to skin conditions is mental, and that you can, provided you are exposed to the right mental weather, make yourself itchy.

Here, I'll prove it. I want you to imagine a mosquito walking up the back of your right leg, just above the ankle, then slowly lowering its head towards the skin. Now it's opening it's jaws, and moving closer... and now it plunges its teeth into your skin, engorging itself with your blood. Really concentrate now, and see the mosquito on your defenseless skin. Clear your mind of everything but the mosquito on your leg.

Now, imagine a second mosquito landing next to the first one.

Seeing how as I've made some of you as bothered as you've been on this blog since the WNBA post, now try this. Visualize a soft terrycloth bathrobe coming out of a dryer, which you fold with your hands. It's warm, smells good, and feels expensive and luxuriant. You can even bring it to your cheek if you like; no one's watching.

In studies with not just my plodding words but also full sound and video, test subjects in a theater were observed to scratch more to the first scenario, and to be clearly soothed and made more calm and still by the second. Unlike, say, tickling, itch/scratch has no social component; you can make yourself itchy whenever you want to, and, perhaps, also stop it. (Hell, I'm scratching more just from the self-edit.)

I'm in the sixth paragraph now, which means I have to bring this back to sports, right? (In earlier drafts, this kind of mosquito dithering went on for a lot longer, just to prove some sadistic meta-point. Anyway, moving on.) Well, it's pretty obvious to me -- sports radio, sports bloggers, sports writers and sports networks all exist on an itch/scratch continuum. SportsCenter soothes more than it irritates; when it does so, with Braying Jackassery, the powers that be think it's a good thing, because an active audience is better than a reactive one. They'd see it as a spice to the main meal.

It is the nature of Art to mete out Itch with Scratch, Carrot with Stick, Pleasure and Pain. (Hey now. My image search for this post just got a lot more interesting.) But that's not what sports coverage is usually about. Sports coverage is pure Scratch; it's an arena where we pay to see events that don't really matter, so that we can avoid thinking about things that really do matter. (And if you don't believe that, consider the existence of the Post-Game Gloatathon that every NFL team telecast provides to its local market. Scratch, scratch, scratch.)

When we do bring in things that matter into sports, we have to do so carefully, and we lose a portion of the audience. If you are, say, a Yankee fan, you'd much rather watch Alex Rodriguez hit than hear about his contract, but since his contract defines other aspects of the team (say, their inability to have mid-salary performers on the bench, or the chance to bring in other big-salaried free agents), most people will go along under the feeling that it's something that they have to know. But no one, with the possible exception of Hank Steinbrenner, wants to see the full cost-benefit analysis of Rodriguez with the Yankees to see if he's bringing in more than he costs. That level of reality / itch is not welcome.

This also gets to the crux of why The Lemur bothers me so much and so often; it is a mosquito. It is an ever-increasing amount of Itch. It is Commerce masquerading as Art, a slow pollution of the purity of our drugs, a bastard child that decent men and women should not accept nor easily tolerate. In a better world, there would be competition that delivers nothing but Scratch Goodness, so that we don't have to endure all of the mistakes they foist on us.

Some might read this as simply a cranky old man rant, since the mosquito is something the young'uns are just used to by now. But, um, no. In the end, the Lemur likes to make us itch, just as many other players in the space do.

And yes, that makes them reprehensible, at least intermittently... and it means that most of the people who do this hobby of mine have reprehensible moments.

But it also means that I'm culpable for letting them get to me, and I can get them to stop whenever I like, by just thinking hard about a nice soft cloth. Maybe being held over various mouths...

Today's Small Moment of Hate

Don Imus says he's being misunderstood, not racist, when he asks what color Adam "Mr." Jones is, after hearing of his various arrests and lack of Pac-Mania.

Adam "Mr." Jones then says he's praying for Imus.

No, seriously.

A quick question for all of the readers who consider themselves religious... isn't "I'm praying for you" one of the nicest ways to insult someone, or is that just my jaded ears working? (In a way, oddly, that "You're in our prayers" is not.)

In any event... this Small Moment of Hate is brought to you by Vengeful Jebus, who smites those that drag him into Grade-Z celebrity dustups. Beware the wrath of Vengeful Jebus!

Epic Drop: Top 10 PGA Tour Changes Since The Loss of Tiger Woods

Your list is here, and I, for one, would heartily endorse the return of Jack Nicklaus in a powered exo-skeleton. But really, who wouldn't?

A Small Note On The Lemur's Coverage Of Len Bias's Death Anniversary

Dear Mice,

You might not be aware of this, but other teams, in towns other than Boston, have suffered tragedies in sports.

I will be expecting -- nay, demanding! -- similar coverage of the Jerome Brown Memorial, the Pelle Lindbergh Tragedy, the Hank Gathers Experience, the Korey Stringer Surprise, the Derrick Thomas Self Sack, the Continuing Ghostlike Presence of Sean Taylor, the 12 to 6 Knee Bending Loss of Darryl Kile, the Most Valuable Loss of Ken Caminiti, the Unfortunate Commute of Cory Lidle...

Because, if you fail to cover them with the same sloppy mouthjob that you give your only media market (that would be, in case anyone was wondering, Boston) in your approach for Len Bias... well, we will all know that the Worldwide Lemur just has a giant hand up its collective ass for its home base of operations, won't we? (Again.)

And that while this kind of thing is tolerable, one supposes, when covering actual sporting events giving the strong performance of the Boston teams, it's quite another to equate your one unfortunate experience as the Death of All Innocence.

You see, that's the funny thing about innocence. It's dying all around you, in lives that don't get examined to, well, death.

Finally, just one last time, since I know you don't really believe this. It's a message from all of the sports fans of America that don't live in New England, and/or don't root for New England teams.

WE'RE JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU...

Welcoming our new Cowboy Overlords

My enthusiasm over the not so Giant honeymoon has, sadly, been tempered by the knowledge that the Dallas Cowboys are constructing the best team in the history of life, the universe, and everything. It's as if my Eagles, with some exceptional free agent pickups, a stable coaching and ownership situation with less child drug felony distractions, and any amount of health and/or luck... nah. Not against the gods among men in Dallas.

I mean, have you looked at this roster? There will be fourteen Pro Bowlers -- fourteen! -- once they finish the Adam Jones transformation. There is the tested experience of a franchise that does not have a playoff win in this millennium, and the sheer managerial brilliance of Jerry Jones, who took an emerging roster filled with Bill Parcells guys (in other words, people who are not exceptionally likely to get arrested) and added Mr. Jones, Tank Johnson, and some secret "Island of Dr. Moreau" half-man half-animals to the practice squad. (What, that's not common knowledge yet? Damm. I guess it's time for another trip to the team's secret orientation complex in Mexico...)

Everywhere you look, everything is turning up Cowboys. Terrell Owens got a big new contract and extra attention from the league office for missing a drug test. Jones had an ex-associate die. Roy Williams gets to go to the bench like a good little soldier so that the team can slide in a rusty, demonikered Jones. Maybe he'll work up some new penalty for the NFL to invent on his behalf!

Terry Glenn threw a fit over a contract, leading the #2 WR slot firmly in the hands of Patrick Crayton, who didn't have any consistency or drop issues last season. Tony Romo continued his commitment to celebrity poon, which can't possible have PR repercussions in light of his past playoff performances. Tank Johnson is said to be getting comfortable and ready to take on a leadership role, presumably by force. Marian Barber gets all the touches now that Julius Jones is in Seattle, so he won't wear down at all. They start the season on the road in Cleveland and at home against the Eagles, which is just an easy-peasy way to go, really.

Oh, and it's also Year Two of the Wade Phillips Era, where he can really show his skills.

Nope, it's their year, all right. No way they are being set up for a massive disappointment-fest. I'm not looking forward to this season at all...

The Short Honeymoon

So here's your check list of things that have happened since the Giant Snatch that made the Eli Manning Giants your NFL champions.

1) Michael Strahan retired, turning the club's biggest defensive strength -- a pass rush that could change the way the game was played -- into something much less fearsome.

2) Plaxico Burress became unhappy about his contract, and unhappy wideouts are always conducive to winning. It's OK, though, because the Giants are just loaded with WRs on the roster who are, um, in no way as good as Burress. (Oh, and nice work from the other Giants to stand up for the teammate who carried you last year on a bad ankle, and caught the winning touchdown in the Super Bowl. That's some good loyalty there, and I'm sure he's going to remember that the next time he's dinged up and has to play when he's not really feeling his best.)

3) Marshall's own Ahmad Bradshaw, the rookie backup RB that gave them such a lift when Brandon Jacobs succumbed to being Brandon Jacobs, was arrested. Now, it's not like he Carruthed anyone, but as Jamal Lewis proved in the past in Baltimore, time in the hole just does wonders for your burst. (Oh, and nice work on the Web site, G-Men. Under Off-Field Activity, Bradshaw wisely has "No Information Available." They can't prove you were accomplices to whatever it is that he did in southwest Virginia to violate his parole...)

4) Jeremy Shockey wasn't traded, and has become the distraction that we all know and love. Maybe he can hang out with Burress and see if they can infect David Tyree, while they are at it. This also means less of Kevin Boss, which as an Eagles fan, I can happily support.

5) Backup QB Jared Lorenzon was released, mostly to cut the team's carbon footprint. Who will come in for the Monster Sneak play now?

I can see why they'd want to lose the Hefty Lefty, though. It's not every day that you get the opportunity to watch David Carr and Anthony Wright compete to be your backup QB, unless, of course, you are watching Arena ball.

6) Everybody seemed OK with all of this, because they're Super Bowl Champs. and once a quarterback breaks through and wins one of these things, he becomes imbued with special Jedi Super Bowl Winning Powers. (Just like Trent Dilfer!)

Here's your first four weeks for the Giants.

1) Washington

2) At St. Louis

3) Cincinnati

4) Bye

Hoo boy. It looks easy, but you really don't want the bye early in the season, and I'd bet that they cough up at least one of them. Probably not the home opener against rookie coach Zorn and those always entertaining Redskins, but maybe that road dome game in St. Louis against a Rams team that might even still have healthy skill position players, and an upright Orlando Pace.

But it's completely OK if the Giants start from the block slow. After all, their last four games -- Philly, at Dallas, Carolina and at Minnesota -- just look like a complete cakewalk, and we all know that Road Warrior performance doesn't fade over the years, just as no one in New York boos a Super Bowl winning quarterback. Phil Simms was a god to those people. Infallible, really.

But just in case, it'd be nice if someone told Strahan to throw the team under the bus with a tell-all book halfway through the year, and if someone else has Shockey kneecapped. Why mess with a good formula?

Today's Worst Petty Controversey

What, more than Shaq-Fu? It's Team USA's odd insistence on having three point guards (including the utterly spent Jason Kidd) on the 2008 Olympic team, and how the team is going to lack bigs, because they didn't get Duncan, Garnett or even Tyson Chandler. (Because when you have Dwight Howard, Carlos Boozer and Chris Bosh, you have no bigs, you see.)

Is this the best possible 12-man roster? Of course not; Kidd's there and Michael Redd is the only drop dead shooter. On the other hand, they could play a spectacular defensive team with Deron Williams at the 1, Kobe and LeBron on the wings, Tayshaun Prince at the 4 and Bosh at the 5; you pressure all over and live on transition.

But let's not, please, get into The Horror of thinking that they can't win because they don't have enough bigs. Or, if you are going to go that way, please do me the small favor of calling out the player who you think was a mistake to put on the roster. I'm doing that with Kidd, who can't shoot, is old, doesn't help you in half court and can't defend quick points anymore. Other than that, he's just great. Assuming you don't mind the fact that he hits women and kills coaches. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Finally, people in the US need to understand that Olympic / International hoop is not the same as NBA hoop. The foul calls that you get in the NBA don't exist. Mid-range and three-point shooting is almost to a college level of importance. The larger paint area means that passing big men are spectacularly useful, and penetrating guards aren't as big of an edge. So the traditional US strengths -- taking your man off the dribble, shot blocking athleticism, and on-the-ball pressure -- are all disregarded. Add in the curious choice of Duke's Coach K to lead them, and it's a horse designed by a committee, which is a camel... and not really suited for the task.

(Plus, there's also this -- they have to go to China and try to win in the most partisan Olympic environment since Los Angeles 1984, or Munich 1972, or Berlin 1936. Let's just say that I'm not counting on impartial refereeing, or giving much of a damn...)

Because I don't hate Fox enough

Yes, Fox has added Michael Strahan to their braying jackass studio show, and I know that shouldn't matter, because that's why remotes have mute buttons, and I have hands to stick over my eyes and in my ears.

However, I'm really not that mad. After all, with Tiki Barber going to some third-rate cable show to discuss omelettes, I'm pretty sure that this is just Strahan's way station until he's off to some cooking show, reality wankathon or porno...

A small, unfortunate answer

Um, I'm betting that Shaq's ass taste likes ass.



And yes, this is a legal requirement to be on every sports blog on the Internet today, but I have a simple rule. When an NBA MVP and dominant offensive force issues a battle rap in which he talks about his vasectomy, it goes on the blog. Period.

Let Us Now Show How Clever We Are

The Lemur wasted my time and yours tonight with trade rumors for Jason Taylor, and guess what they called the possible destination teams? Yes... wait for it... sit down because here comes the funny...

DANCE PARTNERS!

Get it? Because Taylor spent his off-season dancing on a reality show! And that means that for the rest of his life, no matter what he might do on a football field or off, including but not limited to an OJ Simpson-style freakout... he's going to be known for his wacky dancing!

Just like Emmit Smith, right? Oh, wait, Smith was on that show. Funny, I forgot.

Next, the Lemur then ran through the list of guys who rushed the quarterback who got run off once Parcells came to town. Without, of course, the context that NFL players are incredibly fungible, and that any list of pass rushers is going to include a lot of guys who are not there any more.

Now, will Taylor leave Miami? I don't know, and the Lemur doesn't, and if it actually has an impact on a team making the playoffs this year, I'll be legitimately surprised. But on the plus side, hey, dance jokes. I feel smarter now.

Epic Drop: Top 11 MLB Players That Should Be Traded

Your list is here, and it required research and everything. Two A's appear on this list, and it hurt to include them, but so be it...

Epic Drop: Top 10 Stone Cold Lock Predictions For This Week's NBA Draft

And if you think this is just an excuse to run the image that has haunted The Truth's dreams for nearly a year now... yes. I dare you to look directly into its eyes, really....

Crazy Like A Not Crazy Person

I caught the Sunday Night Baseball game on the Lemur last night, as the Cubs completed their sweep of the White Sox at Wrigley in the battle of first place Chicago baseball teams. (Which is, really, a post in itself, given that the series had absolutely no out-of-market hype before it happened, and a similar first place matchup between the Mets and Yankees, or even perhaps the Angels and Dodgers, would have gotten a lot more run. It's funny, isn't it, how pennant races and championships in + Media Markets mean more, doesn't it? Our readers in San Antonio are now nodding their heads so vigorously, it's working as air conditioning.)

Anyhoo... given that the Cubs were proceeding to complete their sweep and Ozzie Guillen wasn't foaming at the mouth, the Lemurcast went and dredged up the early June "meltdown" from the Wizard when he threw all of his hitters under the bus. The team, for all of you who aren't paying game to game attention to the ChiSox, then went on an offensive tear for a week or two, and remain atop the AL Central, mostly because the Tribe and Tigers have been a lot worse than anyone has expected so far this year. I suspect they are still just holding the seat warm for whichever club gets hot, or would be an easy out in the ALDS, but hey, that's why they play the games.

Joe Morgan then performed his self-appointed role of stating the obvious in a way that anyone with a functioning cerebellum would disavow; namely, that Guillen was crazy like a fox! You see, he motivates his team that way, and his team knows how to handle such things, and veterans like Jim Thome, AJ Pyrzinski and Jermaine Dye just took such things to heart and moved on. (Side note: does Morgan even listen to Morgan anymore?)

Which made me wonder... if the team are veterans and know to disregard it when Ozzie is pretending to be off his meds, why pretend in the first place?

The answer, of course, is that Guillen's got too much of an ego (not surprising, given that he's an ex-player who had a long career and even flirted with some All-Star teams in a time before highly regarded on base sabermetrics) to just sit there and lose, without thinking that he can bully his players into doing better.

It may even be true that he can get short-term results out of his players this way, much like a jockey with a whip in the homestretch. And while it's easy for a Dye or Thome to roll up his eyes, maybe it gets some rookie reliever all hot and bothered.

But if that's the case, why do this in June, when you have a big lead in the division? Wouldn't it make more sense to save that kind of negative fuel for August and September?

In this as in many things, Occam's Razor -- the ancient philosophical practice of believing the simplest and most likely explanation, rather than a self-serving conspiracy -- helps. Guillen orchestrates occasional meltdowns because they make him feel important and necessary, and they get him attention in a media market that the Cubs dominate, regardless of the on-field performance of both franchises.

He doesn't have a master plan to motivate his team, and he isn't crazy for the sake of crazy. He just is what he is: a media whore with a lower sense of shame than most.

Also, and this is the interesting part... he's the manager of a team that, as of this Monday morning, isn't pitching, fielding, or hitting very well, and just got its asses swept by their biggest rival. Anyone want to start the pool for his next blowup?

Once again, FTT predicts the future

Noted today: Adam Jones no longer wants to be known by that oh-so-disagreeable "Pac Man" moniker, just as we pointed out in our 12-step Pac Man Plan, published three full weeks ago. Proving, yet again, that when you read FTT today, you don't have to read the mainstream media in a few weeks. (Unless, of course, you want to make sure you don't look like a total idiot.)

"My mom is going to call me 'Pacman.' That is what it is. I can't change that," Jones said. "I'm not saying that my teammates won't call 'Pacman' on the field. But for the most part, I want to be Adam or Mr. Jones."

Personally, I'm all for the change, but I've always been a big Dylan fan, and even the Counting Crows song is kinda good. Perhaps NFL fans can serenade him after his inevitable Jerry Jones-arranged reinstatement...



When everybody loves you, you can never be lonely... or when you've got loose bills in the strip club. That works, too.



This one's nearly six minutes long and doesn't have any visuals, but I'm including it anyway because Bob just works for me. You've been warned.

Overwhelming my capacity for outrage

So here it is, mid June -- the time-honored middle of the WNBA season. I've got nothing left to watch in terms of hoops, not unless you count that Olympic nonsense. And while the regular season has huge drama already -- will the Atlanta Dream ever win a game? Are the Connecticut Suns for real? Why aren't the Sacramento Monarchs better? -- I can't help but feel that something is missing.

Namely, where is the fantasy sports support?

Go to WNBA.com -- I know, you're there all the time, but go now anyway. What you won't find, amidst all of the thrilling video, breathtaking photography and gripping game accounts, is support for my fantasy sports jones. You won't find it on Yahoo or ESPN, either.

What's the meaning of this? If I weren't still outraged by the league's inevitable screw job of Seattle out of its beloved Storm -- especially heartbreaking given that team's encouraging 8-6 record after years in the wilderness -- my gast would be flabbered by this. Don't the powers that be know that despite the incredible teamwork of the world's best distaff ballers, statistics still matter... and that it's damned deadly difficult for all of us out here with our WNBA fantasy leagues to do this all by hand?

(I know it's bad blogger form to talk about your roto teams, but I have to just share here for a moment, and tell you just how much Cappie Poindexter of the Phoenix Mercury has meant to my team this year. The Rutgers guard has always been an all-around performer, but this year's 25.7 points a game, albeit only in the first 10 games of the season, is a huge reason why I'm just dominating my leauge. She's really combined with Diana Taurasi to make the Phoenix team fun to watch, and while they might not have the bigs to compete in the West, they have just been fantasy gold. Anyway, moving on.)

For the very few of you out there who aren't already in an WNBA fantasy league that someone's running by hand, let me give you a few pointers. First off, don't target assists. In the WNBA, since everyone moves the ball and isolation plays are rare, the difference in assists per game isn't as great as in the men's game. Even a Ticha Penicheiro won't give you more than one or two more dimes a game than a less accomplished point guard.

Second, since the games have eight less minutes than the men, you have to ratchet your statistical expectations down a little, and pro-rate players accordingly. Lisa Leslie's good for nearly 10 boards a game even in the smaller time, so you can see what kind of monster she's be with the full 48. (You've really got to give it up to Double L, coming back from pregnancy to dominate like this.)

Third, blocked shots are at an incredible premium, with only four players currently racking up more than 2 a game. You can see why so many people who play this game insist on an auction draft, so that the team with Lisa Leslie really has to make do with a short bench. It's just not a good league for a serpentine draft.

Earlier this year, the WNBA was giving a very cheap handjob kind of fantasy game, with single player head to heads, but dammit... my league goes 8 teams with 12 players, which means we're really going deep into the talent pool. I'd hate to see the level of play diluted by expansion, but it really would make a difference in having a better league.

Finally, I'd like to really thank site contributor The Truth for getting me into the WNBA fantasy league. His insistence that watching the WNBA would be just like rooting for the Lakers (especially Radmanovic and Gasol) in our NBA picks game, the payment of which is posting something spectacularly humiliating... well, it's given me a brand-new fantasy love, just in time for the summer dead season. Expect Great!

Apologizing for happy endings

One of the things that I like to do on the weekends is watch rented DVDs with my kids. The eldest tends to drive the itinerary, and since she's eight years old and female, she's into horses. Today's was a DreamWorks production ("Dreamer"), in which Dakota Fanning and Kurt Russell manage a broken down horse into a Breeder's Cup win. It's not bad, as these things go, and while I was taking care of the laundry, I fired up the director's commentary. In it, the guy more or less apologized for giving the film its by the numbers happy ending, like a kids movie about a horse isn't going to end with a win.

And it made me think, on some level, that this must be what it's like to be a thoughtful Boston fan.

We will likely never see a single city win as much and as often as Boston has in this decade. To start with, there's only a handful of cities with the ability to not only win the major sports leagues, but with the kind of owners that are actually willing to try for it. So that cuts the list down to maybe a dozen areas, and then you balance that against the dozen to two dozen to one odds for each league. There is, of course, no real synergy in a city when a team wins; we only think there is because every time it happens, we as sports fan notice.

In the Philadelphia of my youth, there was a similar run, though not nearly as potent. The Phillies broke through in 1980 for the franchise's lone championship, and then the Eagles rode the crest of the Vermeil Era wave to a Super Bowl appearance. The Sixers, who had been knocking on the door since they bought Julius Erving in 1976, eventually broke through against the Lakers. The USFL Stars, a team that meant much to me, were also champions, and the city more or less claimed the Villanova miracle team as their own. Add in the region's eternal taste for Penn State football, and I grew up more or less convinced that Philadelphia, of all places, was a town of champions.

The Eagles faded first, with Vermeil burning out. The Phiillies were old when they won, and got even older for the 1983 team that snuck their way into a World Series where the Orioles handled them with ease for Cal Ripken's only championship. The Sixers hit the wall when Moses Malone stopped being the best player in the game, and soon imploded with bad deals and the crippling Andrew Toney injury. And while the franchises have aligned at times in the 2000s to all be competitive, and indeed, even all be playoff-level, none have won a championship since. It takes a lot to get one, even if it doesn't seem that way when one city gets six and counting.

Which Boston franchise will fall first? Well, you can make the argument that the Patriots are already on the downside, with the argument that Spygate and 18 and One Very Big One means that they are primed for further disasters now. It also doesn't speak much for Tom Brady that the last three quarterbacks to beat him in a playoff game are Eli Manning, Peyton Manning and Jake Plummer. But if you had the ability to change your franchise for theirs on personnel and coaching, I'm not sure there's a fanbase in the NFL that wouldn't make the switch. You've still got no worse than top 5 talent at the skill positions, a high draft pick from the Niners, and a front office that finds players even in bad draft positions. They're not going away, especially in a division that's as bad as the AFC East currently is.

The Red Sox may be the best long-term bet for Boston Fan moving forward. The stacked deck nature of MLB+ means that they really won't have as much competition for that crown as you might think, and their tactical advantage over many other organizations -- starting with the willing embrace of sabermetrics and continuing through vastly superior medical practices, including the benchmarking and hoarding of pitching -- is almost as great. Look at what happens when Boston has an injury; for the most part, they bring up a player who is above the league median, and they gain valuable experience, for both future use and trade value. Meanwhile, other teams bring up retreads and try to patch. The Sox play in a murderous division in a game where success and failure is pretty close, but if I had to choose one team to win in MLB just about every year, it's them.

Which leaves us, finally and most fitfully, to the Celtics. This may be just my blind hatred talking here, but I can not see this team creating a new era of championship banners in the new Garden rafters. The first thing that happens to championship teams is that they don't try as hard again the next year, especially on defense. This Celtics team won, of course, on that defense. The Big Three of Garnett, Allen and Pierce are all on the downside of their career, with Allen especially looking like he wasn't a top tier player until late in the playoff season. With another 80+ games in front of them, he's not going to be getting any better.

They have, of course, a quality bench, and if and when Rajon Rondo can master his road fears and shoot free throws, he's got a chance to be a top 10 point guard in the Association. Garnett could teach Kendrick Perkins more of an offensive game, too. But the rest of the East will get better in the offseason (look for Chicago to bounce a long way back with a high pick, Orlando to get a year better and meaner with Dwight Howard, the Sixers to start making some trouble with a developing Thaddeus Young, and even the Knicks to make life difficult, by no longer being an auto-win). In the West, Laker Fan dreams of a triumphant return from Andrew Bynum, which would allow for the even more triumphant departure of Vladimir Radmanovic; if the West thought that the Lakers were a tough matchup with Gasol and Odom and 5 and 4, they're an absolute nightmare at 4 and 3. The Spurs will be back to their odd year championship pattern, with a presumably healthy Manu Ginobili bringing more to the table. If you were handicapping the 2008-09 NBA winner right now, Boston is probably not the favorite. It's the way of these things.

And, of course, there is always the possibility that the Boston luck will just run out, as it did in Philadelphia 25 years ago. It doesn't really take much -- a coach ejection, an ownership shake-up, a dead draft pick -- to put you back into the wilderness.

Because, in the end, you should always bet on entropy and decay and unhappy endings, regardless of what the audience expects, or even demands. (Just don't expect someone else's unhappy ending to be your happy one. I was, after all, born and raised as a Philly Fan...)

Hello, my name is DMtShooter, and I'm a Contraholic

Today in Chicago, the Cubs continued their magical mystery year with an 11-7 mudkick of their crosstown rivals. And you wouldn't be hearing about this here if it weren't for the continued hell that is my life with Jose Contreras.

For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of close witness to JC, he's a big maddening pitcher with incredible streaks in both directions. When he's good, he's a borderline All-Star with a lot of movement. When he's bad, he nibbles, falls behind, then gets taken deep. These streaks have a remarkable ability to change, usually for the worse, when I make the fateful decision to roll the dice with him... and every time it happens, I convince myself that I'm not going to do it again, only to know that I probably will.

Today's fourth inning: 10 hitters faced, 1 hitter retired, 8 earned runs, 3 long balls. Not only did this significantly impact my roto team, despite the previous 600+ innings, but it really does speak to something about the ChiSox manager, Ozzie Guillen. I'm not sure who leaves in a pitcher to take that kind of a beating. A week or so ago, Contreras was well under 3 with the ERA; now, he's just under 4. It's not like Oz was really hoping to save his bullpen, either -- he still wound up using three other guys. The Sox still have a significant lead in the AL Central.

And yet, Guillen still left in his starter to more or less get crushed. Which tells you something about the ChiSox manager. And, hopefully, something else about the wisdom of owning Contrearas, even in a 2-start week that looks good before he, you know, actually takes the hill and gets his head kicked in...

Welcome to the Silly Season

Every June, once the NBA Finals are over, comes a six-week period where, if you are not seriously into baseball, you've got nothing... and instead of being OK with the nothing, you're going to have an ungodly amount of nonsense trying to pass itself as sport.

This year, the big crux of that will be the Olympics, the presidential election, hot dog eating and wing eating contests, Arena Football... and, of course, golf, which ceased to exist for 50% of the possible audience when Tiger Woods' knee would not cooperate.

I'm not sure why, in fact, we're no longer OK with simply not having sports for a little while, or why a competitive baseball season (note that many MLB+ teams are having real issues, and make your own judgment about older players losing effectiveness in the post-steroid era). Maybe it's what you're reading right now; you really don't lose the habit of going to your favorite blogs just because it's the time of the year that's less involved. Or it's the ever-pernicious influence of the World Wide Lemur, with it's constant news hole demanding something, anything, to cover.

FTT will, however, just go to a lot of MLB, NBA Draft and NFL pre-season coverage, along with our usual small doses of silliness. Because, well, eating isn't a sport, I don't much care about the Olympics, and politics is also, well, not sport. And so it goes.

Epic Drop: Top 15 Reasons The Cubs Won't Win This Year

Here's today's link, and the bonus coverage... the thing that Cub Fan really has to be scared of is that their time as an MLB+ team may be on loan. Sam Zell, their repugnant owner, picked a curious at best time to get involved in a dying medium when he bought the Tribune, and while this mostly just means that he's a very good candidate to turn the franchise over to some other billionaire for a marked-up profit sooner rather than later, there's no guarantee that the next ownership group is going to have incredible pockets, either -- and right now, the Cubs spend like the Yankees, only without the same media empire to help pay for it.

There is no really good reason to spend a lot on the Cubs payroll. They've got a decent enough farm system to be a .500 team, and you're not selling any more seats or having a huge jump in advertising revenue from a winner. The team isn't trying to get a new stadium from the locals by going into a Win Or We Move run. And the more they spend, the more they pay into revenue sharing. Unless you're really just committed to a championship, it's not defensible... and the people who own them next might not have that commitment. (Which is why Cub Fan is really, really hoping for Mark Cuban, and will hold his nose for all that entails to get him. Boy, if you think they're unlikable now...)

So what you have, right here and right now, is a good old-fashioned sprint from the general manager, not that I can blame him for such things. Ted Lilly's contract is actually a bargain under those conditions, but that doesn't mean he's really going to be very good, and Jason Marquis is a poor man's Ted Lilly. What they really needed was for Carlos Zambrano to be a Cy Young candidate and Rich Hill to be a dominant #2 starter. Z hasn't been that and now he's hurt, and Hill's utterly lost in the minors. The offense and bullpen have better than imagined, but the offense is doing it on Geovany Soto and Ryan Theriot -- in other words, a catcher who probably will wear down with workload, and a second basemen playing shortstop who is very likely hitting over his head. (Also, if Edmonds continues to give them a stick, he'll be overcoming years of decay and injury build-up. Let's just say that if you have him in a fantasy league, you're including him in every possible trade package right now.)

They aren't going to turn into a bad team. Lee, Soriano, Ramirez and Fukudome ensure that they'll continue to hit above the average. But right now, they're playing +.600 baseball with a rotation that just doesn't seem to be more than .500, and a defense that is (significantly) less than that. They may be able to win the division by just playing .500 ball the rest of the way (especially if Poo Holes is out for a long time for the Cards), but if this is a top 5 MLB team... well, I'm just not seeing it.

And the fun thing about Cub Fan is that he's not seeing it, either.

References

The other day, I was listening to Bad Tooth podcasts (what can I tell you -- in the wake of the Celtics Onslaught, I wanted to wallow), and he was moved to discuss the lack of his kid in his work. It was, of course, complete bullshit, but it sparked something for me, so here I go.

The Bad Tooth was asked why, considering he's plumbed his wife, father, mother and friends for material, why he (mostly) refrains from writing about parenting stuff. He replied that there's two reasons why. First, that he's suffered from other people becoming kid pod people (i.e., overbearing about the experience), and second, that it just wasn't an experience that enough of his audience can relate to. (As if this has stopped him from pushing MTV reality show coverage which is when reading him goes from Bad Tooth to a Prostate Exam.)

Anyway, this leads me to the following point, which also is true of lists, diaries and picks... if you like the writer, and if that writer is on your wavelength or a good enough listener to keep things to a dull roar, you can talk about your kids. No one will complain any more than they might about your other output. If it sucks, they'll let you know. If it's good, it might even move you.

So what's the real reason? Probably because he's a bad father. Seriously. (No, I keed.) Or that he hates women. Yeah, that's it. (Oh, fine. I'll stop.)

No, here's the real reason... because it's harder (in my opinion, in most cases) to draw your daughter into spectator sports than it is to draw a son. Plus, the major league lords have done all they can to make sure that your little kid doesn't want to watch sports with you, because they take forever, you won't feel good about them seeing the ads, and if it's hard to explain a fan affiliation to your kid, it's crazy difficult to explain fantasy teams.

But over the years, it gets easier, and if and when the Shooter Kids say or do something that works in conjunction with my blog output, I'll use it. And, I'll bet, so will he.

Today's Small Moment of Hate

Opening in November... Shrek the Musical.

On some level, I'd like Mike Myers to be killed.

It's nothing personal, really. It's just that if he continues to live, he's going to keep making craptainment that media conglomerates and quoting meatheads will make difficult to ignore.

This has been another Small Moment of Hate.

Epic Drop: Top 10 Additional Signs That You Are Old, Old, Old Sports Blogger

Today's list is here, and I'll throw a fresh one on the fire for the site loyalists... you sit down to fill your bloghole and can't stay awake. That's not good.

And for the record, not that anyone should care, but from the other people I've met in the sports blogosphere, there's basically three groups. The first are ambitious college kids who are trying to rule the world with their blogging. The second are guys in their late 20s trying to make a buck or get a full-paying gig. And the last are people with good jobs who just do this on the side for shits and giggles. All of us, eventually, realize the same thing... that if you want long-term, sustainable traffic, you either need hundreds of commenters who effectively give the site a chance to make its own sauce, or you need a lot of good poon, so that people with site blocking software consider you a go-to site.

Anyway... that's a longer tangent from the point of the post than usual. I must be getting old.

Epic Drop: Top 10 Consolations for Boston Haters

Your link is here, and I Am Gone, Baby, Gone.

Lakers-Celtics, Game Six, Fourth Quarter: Well, At Least That's Over

Odom to the line and misses the first; it's 28. Rondo, easily, to the rim, yet again. Ariza gets hammered inside, because the Celtics actually give a damn about defense. He makes one, and an actual Laker o-board is converted with a hoop by Vujacic. A miss is turned into a bad Vujacic turnover, and Farmer makes a terribly weak flagrant one foul on Rondo at the rim. Jordan Farmer was clearly in the idea that he shouldn't give up the layup, but also that he didn't care enough to exert effort on the foul. That was special - gutless and cowardly. A new level!

Rondo makes one of the two flagrants, and the Celtics bring in Garnett. I wonder if he goes headhunting now. Baby Davis goes hard to the rim, and Odom fouls him hard, too -- but again, not with enough effort to be meaningful. It's like passive-aggressive thuggery right now. Davis makes the second, and it's 30 again. Farmer makes a long 3. I kind of want this to stay really far apart, to make sure that everyone knows this wasn't a game. Allen is left alone for an easy three. Laker turn, followed by an Allen turn. Does Bryant even bother to come back in to this game? Turiaf makes from distance. Nice to know that everyone on this team is allergic to contact. Allen with another 3, and for some reason -- maybe it's contractually obligated? -- Jackson calls another timeout. The lead is 31, the diary is only being read by Laker masochists and Celtic gloaters, and my only consolation is that the number of people watching this at this point is probably equivalent to Cavs-Spurs...

Kobe's back! Um, whatever. A Laker miss is followed by another Allen 3; it's 104-70. Bryant drives -- now, that's a shock -- and it's knocked out of bounds. He then misses a 25 foot three over Garnett, who lays it up on the other end. Odom drives and scores. The largest margin of victory in a Finals is 32 -- come on, Green! Rondo misses, and I don't know what the Lakers are doing anymore; both teams seem interested in throwing the ball out of bounds now. Rondo leaves with 21, 8 and 6 steals. Egads. Farmer turns. Allen misses, KG boards and scores. Ariza misses, Bryant boards, a Farmer 3. The Celts have the most steals in Finals history. A Posey layup, and KG blocks Odom. The game gets ragged, with even more Allen threes, and he's just going for records now as well. Odom still seems to care and drives, and Garnett hammers him. Allen has tied a Finals record with 7 threes, and on some level, I don't want Odom to be remembered as the goat of the Finals for the Lakers, not when there are so many other choices, but he's going to get it nonetheless. 5:07 to go.

Odom makes both, and it's just 34! Celtics Fan sings, and Pierce hits another 3. I think we know why the Lakers haven't trapped; they just suck at that, too. Odom slams off a Walton feed. Garnett misses, Odom boards, and no one cares. Celtics finally pull starters with 4:01 left, and that should end the wait for the return flagrant foul... Walton hits a 3. Powe misses, Davis boards, gets the return pass and goes to the line. Jackson should pull his starters soon, but maybe he doesn't want to set the record. Celtic scrubs play volleyball and score. Powe fouls Odom, who is racking up garbage time points in an attempt to avoid goat horns. It'd help if he could hit free throws; it's still 35 with 3:10 left.

Powe dunk off weak full court pressure. Bryant misses a three. Posey hits a three, and the Laker starters get to endure all of this. Odom to the line again. Bryant is 7 of 22 with one assist. I suppose that's better than the Suns Game Seven, but if anyone ever -- EVER -- wants to tell me how good Bryant is, well, they might want to look at how big he comes up when his team is facing elimination. Somehow, it doesn't quite jibe with his reputation.

Odom hits one after the break, and I think Garnett is going to pee himself. Jackson finally goes to the bench, I guess that he's lost his taste in rubbing their nose in it. Powe is fouled by Turiaf, and the audio on my HD starts cutting out -- thank you, technical failures. 125-86 after the makes. Mark Jackson is now praising Brian Scalabrine, so I guess we no longer have real basketball players to talk about. Walton misses, Baby Davis dunks. Ariza misses. House oops to Tony Allen, and it's nice to see the Celtics playing with class and the lead. Farmer 3 makes it 40. We're two points away from the largest margin in a Finals game, and House with the makes to get us there. 1:04 left. Vujacic 3 to be a killjoy. House runs clock, misses a 3, and Powe is called for pushoff, so maybe that record is safe. Rivers takes the Gatorade, which is kind of a mess on a basketball court, and will further delay this to midnight. Thanks, Celtics!

Walton makes one. I'm morosely thinking how we're just a David Tyree miracle away from the total Boston sweep of all major sports in one year, and how inconceivable that seems to anyone who doesn't live in Boston. And that's your final, Celtics 131, Lakers 92.

Congrats, Beantown. It's your world. We all just live in it. (Oh, and thank you for booing Stuart Scott and David Stern. That was appreciated.)

Lakers-Celtics, Game Six, Third Quarter: Let The Car-Tipping Begin

Here is the only stat that you need to know from the first half... the Lakers have no offensive rebounds, None. Zero. As in heart. The ESPN announcers are throwing Gasol and Odom under the bus, but if they actually like Bryant's game -- the referees are clearly giving the road team calls, and they clearly aren't interested in driving anyway -- they have to be smoking crack. Jon Barry comes closest to speaking truth by saying that the Lakers are going out by getting punked. Michael Wilbon advocates going super-small and shooting threes, because they suck. Phil Jackson gets taped asking his team to not give it away. Um, a little late for that advice, really.

The first five minutes of the third quarter will decide whether or not this will be pure garbage time. Allen feeds Rondo, who hits, and it's 25. Odom actually drives -- novel idea, that -- and gets a call on Perkins, his third. Missing a free throw doesn't really help; it's 24. Pierce misses, and Perkins takes his fourth in a dumb way; Rivers leaves him in, which is a little odd. Bryant misses a -- surprise! -- jumper. Rondo feeds Allen for a 3, and it's 27, and the forecast calls for garbage, which is what Radmanovic delivers with the worst three point attempt this side of Manute Bol. Good grief. Rondo turns on a travel call. Fisher misses, Garnett boards, and will it be 30? Not this trip, as Rondo misses. Fisher shows actual heart with a drive and make, and that's Perkins fifth foul. If Gasol decides to dominate from here on out, that could be telling. Of course, that would involve giving a damn. Fisher's make cuts it - hah - to 24.

Actual ball pressure is done badly, and Brown gets to the line. He makes both, and it's 26. Gasol slams off a nice pass. Pierce drives and gets that right back. Radmanovic makes an actual basketball move for the 3, but Kobe can't be bothered to stop Rondo on the other end, and they get all of the points right back. He hits, and we can safely say that the Lakers don't care, even if they are making some shots. Fisher makes to cut it to 24. Allen misses, but no Laker bothers to pursue the board. Rondo misses. Odom turns on Rondo's fifth steal, and Allen runs clock before shooting the wide-open three. This is just sad. The lead is 27, and honestly, I've never seen a team care less than the Lakers. The Hawks put up more of a fight.

Bryant finally scores of an inbounds. The Lakers are actually scoring this quarter, and still losing ground. Garnett to the line, makes both, playing with less pressure than he'd feel in a preseason game. It's 27, and the announcers are talking about this game in the past tense. They're right. Bryant settles for another bad long jumper miss. Garnett again to the line, the call on Gasol. Mark Jackson starts the Danny Ainge mouth job. Hey, if another franchise wants to make a terrible trade, your team can make the Finals, too!

Another turn, and the Celtics are running All-Star Game plays now. Rondo is outrebounding every Lakers big man, because none of them give a damn. If I were Jackson, I think I'd play the bench now, just to make a point for training camp, assuming he wants to come back to this. I guess the money's good.

We come back from break with Bryant talking to Odom. Maybe they're making dinner plans. Brown with two makes stretches it to 31. Bryant misses... wait for it... a jumper. Garnett misses, Odom boards, and Garnett forces a jump ball and high fives most of Massachusetts. Radmanovic 3 makes it 79-51. Garnett drives, Odom doesn't take a charge, and Rondo follows. Gut. Less. Bryant hits on the other end, and Rondo has more o boards -- many -- than the entire Lakers team. After one Garnett make, it's back to 29, with 16 minutes left. I don't really know why I'm still watching.

Odom turns, the 13th Laker turnover, and if you think all of them have been after a player leaves his feet for no reason, you're not wrong. Pierce to the line, makes two, it's 31. 16 minutes left to the Celtics championship.

Gasol gets Brown's third foul. Radmanovic misses. No one setting screens for Bryant; I can't blame them, really. Allen misses, and Gasol grabs the flat-footed board (hey, why jump?); he gets a loose ball foul and makes one, so it's 30. Garnett misses, and Radmanovic gets the board, brings it up, and misses the 3. The Lakers have officially become the Isiah Thomas Knicks. Do we really have to play the rest of this game? Can't we just cut to the car-tipping?

Gasol turns on the pulled chair play by Brown. Pierce misses, and Rondo gets his sixth steal of the game. Six. No, seriously. Kobe Bryant is the best player in the Association. Really. Honest and for true. All of you Chris Paul and LeBron James are just wrong, wrong, wrong. Really. Anyway, Rondo makes one, it's 31. Bryant actually drives and scores, it's 29. Brown misses, Gasol boards. Bryant drives, Garnett flops for no call, and Bryant gets to the line. Hey, maybe this driving and giving a damn thing might be a good idea! The Most Valuable Fraud hits both, so he's got 22, just enough to make everyone think that it's all his teammates fault. Bravo!

Rondo misses at end of clock. Gasol answers to make it 25, but the Lakers make sure that the gutlessness continues with an easy drive for Rondo to the hoop. Brown eats Bryant with a block on his drive. More Globetrotter passing for Brown with the make. Bryant ends the third with a miss and a no call, and at the end of three, it's all Celtics.

Lakers-Celtics, Game Six, Second Quarter: Warm Up The Bus

Jackson, in the interview with Tafoya, basically says he hates his team and that Bryant's got to do it all. Good thing we're watching the same game, Coach. A Green turn as we go to scrubs; Bryant misses on exceptional defense from Posey, but Turiaf hustles to a loose ball call. Until Kobe wants to drive, this isn't going to get better. Rivers bring in Big Baby Davis for the first time in the Finals, and he should hack like mad, really. Bryant draws a handcheck from Powe and an after-whistle Bowen-esque hit from Posey. Vujacic loses his man and hits, and that's encouraging for the Lake Show. House responds for the Celtics, and the continuing mystery of why the Lakers won't pressure the point guard will not end. Bryant feeds Odom, who draws from Davis, and the Celtics could be in the penalty quickly in this quarter.

Odom has been good so far tonight, but he misses the second; 26-23 Green. Rivers draws a technical from Joey Crawford, and we're officially on Conspiracy Alert. Bryant makes on the other end, and it's 26-24. If Rivers is really expecting Bryant to pick up cheap calls on fighting off Eddie House screens, he's smoking crack. A Pierce 3 suddenly makes it five. Vujacic misses early, and that's a bad possession, really. Celtics draw a foul, but Powe misses, and Odom gets the blocking call from Odom, who the announcers praise for his driving ability. I'd praise it too, if it didn't usually result in a charge. Odom makes both, and the Celtic bigs are starting to pick up whistles. 29-26, Green.

Pierce misses from distance, but Odom makes a terrible long turn, and Powe scores coming back on him. Bryant misses a three, and the Lakers just aren't interested in driving, despite the fact that they are getting whistles. The Celtics are killing the Lakers in the paint and on turnovers, and if they could shoot, this would be a runaway. Ray Allen hasn't returned, and that's more grist for conspiracy. Maybe his kids are in there. After the ads, Pierce draws on Fisher, and after one make, it's the Celtics biggest lead, 32-26, with 8:08 left in the half.

Gasol has four inches on Davis, and finally seems to notice with a drive. An illegal defense call is made before that, and Kobe makes it; the Lakers are having an edge there. Gasol drives and scores on Davis to cut it to 3. Turiaf gives a dumb foul on Posey. Both teams in the penalty already. Celtics play volleyball on the o boards again; it results in a backbreaking Posey 3. O-boards are now 7 to Gutless, and Vujacic turns. Celtics pass well and often, and House hits from the corner for the home team's biggest lead to date, 9. The scoreboard is starting to reflect reality.

Bryant is zero for his last four, after starting four for five. Not surprising, really. He settles for another jumper and misses. Ray Allen is getting eye doctor support, and now he's running from the locker room like Willis Reed! Celtics recover a tip with Fisher nearly killing himself; the crowd chants for House, and the Celtics bring the ball up comfortably, while Fisher collects his third foul. This might not be a game much longer. House makes both, and the lead is 11. Bryant with another bad turn. Posey's three makes it 14. Jackson calls another timeout to try to stop the 11-0 run, but unless he suddenly finds some offense in that huddle, he's hosed. This is a coronation so far.

Gasol draws a Posey foul, but it's sharks versus chum right now, with the Celtics playing the role of defensive shark. Gasol makes both to stop the bleeding for a little while. Farmer actually pressures House, but not Well. Garnett misses over Bryant, and the fact that he doesn't drive should be damning, but isn't. Allen returns. Gasol makes a hook over Davis, and he's starting to find the range a little. Garnett makes from a very open baseline, and Radmanovic misses badly; he compounds it with his third foul, sending Pierce to the line. There is no way that you can tell me that Radmanovic wants to play in this game. If he's on the team next year, I'll be amazed. Pierce makes both, and the lead is back to 14... despite Pierce shooting just 2 for 9 in the first half. Wow. Celtics Fan chants MVP. Yes, in this series.

Another Celtics illegal defense technical, and Bryant makes. If the refs want to keep this close, they're going to have to do more. Gasol finds Perkins harder to handle, and Rondo answers with a lack of roll. Walton makes a good move to get free, but can't make. Unlike Radmanovic, he looks like a basketball player; just not a very good one. Time for more ads, so that we can have a three hour telecast.

Some hours later, Pierce with the instant foul draw and two makes, and the lead is now 15, the largest of the game. If you think the Lakers can come back from this, I'd like you to share your drugs. Laker turn is matched by overpassing Celtics turn, and Farmer goes to the line on early offense. He, at least, looks like he has a pulse, but he leaves a point on the table with a miss. Garnett tortures Gasol in the post, and has 14 on 7 for 10 shooting. Odom can't get the roll, and this might be 20 at the half. Rondo with an easy make, and the Celtics are whistling "Sweet Georgia Brown" right now. A careless turn by Kobe, the Celtics' ninth steal, and the signature play of the game is authored by Garnett, who scores while falling and getting fouled after yet another bad pick and roll coverage. If this was a fight, it'd be stopped. With the Garnett make, it's a 24-6 run for Green, and a 21-point lead. Gut. Less.

Perkins eats Odom alive with a block, then gets the Garnett pass at the rim to make it 58-35. Bryant with yet another bad three miss, and the half, and the Series, is over.

Seriously, Kobe might as well just pull another Suns Game Seven in the second half of this game. Make it official that you're never, ever going to win another championship. Go for it.

Lakers-Celtics, Game Six, First Quarter: Can't Shoot Vs. Can't Care

We are 48 minutes away from the first Celtics championship in 22 years. It's been a good 22 years, on one basic level; it has been the only 22-year era in NBA history in which my Sixers have matched the Celtics in championships. Tonight, unless I miss my guess, that won't be true anymore.

Gasol wins the tip and draws a foul on Perkins, who doesn't have flash colored bandages. Kobe then makes a tough one. Good start for the visitors. Rondo misses and the Celtics scramble for o-boards and extra shots, but Odom eventually collects. Fisher draws a flop block call on Pierce, and the first Bull Shit chant happens with one minute of game play down. Fisher makes both, and we're at 4-0. Hyper Celtics passing results in a Rondo miss and a Rondo miss. The point guard swipes from Gasol on the other end after the Odom board, and feeds Allen for a 3. Fisher responds on the other end with another drawn foul, this one on Garnett. A Laker miss by Radmanovic, and Allen draws a shooting foul on the other end. Right now, the Celtics have more energy, and after two Allen makes, the lead, at 5-4.

Bryant with a 3 changes that; he's looking relaxed. Rondo misses a push shot but gets the o-board and a call on Fisher. After two makes -- rare for Rondo -- it's tied at 7. Bryant nails another long 3, and it's Game Four First Wyarter all over again. Pierce doesn't get the lean in call on Radmanvic, but Gasol turns on the other end. A defensive three on the Lake Show at 8:18 results in an Allen make, so we're at 10-8. A Rondo miss isn't converted by Perkins on the o-board, but the Lakers miss on the other end, and Gasol's flop on Garnett isn't called. Despite a 2 for 10 start, it's tied. Wild possessions back and forth with Kobe not getting a call and the Lakers doing weird passing; Gasol doesn't post Pierce, but Garnett misses badly in traffic on Gasol, and it results in a Rondo foul. Wildly ragged play right now.

Bryant turns on another too-cute Laker turn, their fourth. Rondo takes another and finally makes one, and it's 12-10 Celtics. He's 1 for 5 from the floor, and they've all been open. Bryant hits a tough 3 at the buzzer, and that's three in five and a half minutes, all highly contested. Wow. Pierce draws the second on Radmanovic, and while Kobe has 11 of the Laker points, if I'm a Lake Fan, I'm uneasy... because they've all been from distance, and he can't do that all night. 13-12 into the first unconscionably long commercial timeout.

The Boston celeb roll for the first quarter is Bill Belicheat and Stephen Tyler. And we care... why?

Gasol with 3 turnovers and not much help. Odom has rebounded reasonably, though. Pierce misses a tough 3 and Gasol boards; Fisher misses the three. Allen scores off garbage but gets hurt, and Ray Allen becomes Celtic Number Five to suffer grievous harm, this one on a no-call eye poke from Odom. PJ Brown comes in, while on the other end, Odom shoots free throws on Perkins' second; he also leaves, for Posey. Odom fulfills Basketball Divine Justice by missing the free throw. Call for Pierce's Magic Wheelchair! Odom makes the second, and the game is tied again at 14.

Garnett shoots over Bryant and scores; it's chippy. Gasol feeds Walton out of the double team for an easy one. Rondo can't finish at the rim. Walton does the right thing and drives, getting a Brown foul. After two makes, it's 18-16 Lakers, with the pace picking up and the locals getting nervous about the refs. Garnett makes again, and that's encouraging for Green. Gasol misses what will be one of his easier looks, and Garnett is feeling it at the other end, with some nice post moves and a good looking jumper. With the home team up by two, Jackson calls time, in the hope that the Garnett that has played most of these Finals will come back. Time for More Ads!

ABC feels compelled to tell us about Garnett's predilection for team-wide peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. And we care... why?

Rondo with his third steal, but Pierce can't finish. Neither can Kobe, and Pierce misses his fifth on the trip back. Another Laker turn is answered by a Garnett slam, and if it weren't for Bryant's threes, this would be a blowout. Farmer can't get the roll. Walton steals a bad entry pass while guarding Garnett, and Rondo picks up his second foul on Farmer. It's clearly Garnett's best game of the series to this point; he's got 10 and 3. Farmer makes both, and it's 22-20, Celtics, with less than 50 seconds left. Pierce finally gets a make on a very open drive and pop. Bryant shoots from forever, just a terrible decision, and misses. Pierce holds for the last, crosses Walton, and with 1.8 left, Walton makes the heady play of giving the foul. Nice minutes for Luke's kid tonight; he's certainly been better than Gasol. Can the Lakers get a stop on the inbounds? Yes, as Powe doesn't get it off in time. Celtics 24, Lakers 20, and we've got a game, even if it doesn't seem like we should.

Everyone in for the double jinx

So in my preparation -- yes, I do prepare -- for tonight's Game Six diary, I've been going all over the Interwebs, reading the game previews. And the only thing that everyone is sure of is that neither of these teams are very good, in a good situation, or can win.

Boston? No chance. They've played 107 games this year, traveled to Europe and back, been taken to the edge by Atlanta and Cleveland, and everyone's hurt. Kendrick Perkins is all kinds of messed up with the ankle, but dammit, he'll go. Paul Pierce has Tiger Woods' knees -- which guy has milked his condition more in the last week? -- but dammit, he'll go. Rajon Rondo has an ankle problem that would have euthanized a lesser man, but dammit, he'll go. Ray Allen's kid is being tortured by Eurotrash terrorists that look like members of Vladimir Radmanovic's extended family... but, dammit, he'll try. Try, I tell you. It's a miracle, that so many obscenely wealthy men could have so much to overcome, isn't it? And such a coincidence that all of the Good Character Guys play for a media market that mouth jobs its athletes with both lips and hands while wearing frilly little costumes, isn't it?

Meanwhile, the Lakers? No chance. There's no injury problems to deal with -- being from a warm-weather site, they get *all* the breaks -- but since they are Euros and gutless and have the world's worst MVP ever in Kobe The Unpalatable, no one in their right mind can imagine them coming up with a big win against a hostile crowd. (A crowd that's so hostile, they've got thousands of dollars to spend on basketball tickets. Dammit, why are obscenely rich people so angry?) I picked them to win this series in five, and even I want them to lose at this point, even though it's going to make me do something horrible as a matter of my wager with The Truth.

Of course, this being the NBA, we have the counter to the Lakers Can't Win Argument... mainly that the Vast Right Ratings Conspiracy will use their wiliest, most dastardly, most nefarious referees this side of Dangerous Danny Davis (yes, that geek reference is both check and mate) to make sure that the Lake Show forces a Game Seven on the world.

And well... all I can say is... Jesus Shuttleworth with a Rambis, can you all just please get over yourselves?

As a Sixers fan, I knew that both franchises and media hordes were going to make everything but the ball regrettable in the Finals; that's increasingly true of all championships in every sport, but especially one that rolls out over as long a time period as the NBA's brouhaha. You've got Coke vs. Pepsi here, Yankees vs. Red Sox, Patriots vs. Cowboys -- in other words, the most regrettable fan bases and teams, with the most time and space to blather. (And no, this is not a posthumous fever dream for Spurs-Pistons. Yet.)

But y'all have well and truly outdone yourselves.

Imagine, just for a moment, that we can focus on the game. If you're a Laker fan, you're hoping that Bryant can finally get untracked, as James did before him in the Cavs series; good defense can stop a great offensive player from exploding, but he'll eventually figure out a plan of attack and adapt in a way that the defense can't correct. If Perkins is hobbled, Gasol has a chance to be more effective on both ends. Phil Jackson has won some games and rings in his life; maybe he'll finally try the novel approach of pressuring the Celtics' ballhandlers, the way that the Sixers, of all people, crushed the C's on their home floor in March, back when everyone thought they were invincible.

If you're a Celtics fan, you've got the same thoughts about Kevin Garnett that Laker Fan has about Bryant. You also have two chances at home to get one game, and to date, a far more effective bench. The smart money is with you. You might have been considered the underdog coming into this series, but you've been the better team for most of the 240 minutes played so far. You're up 3-2 for a reason. You're good, especially on defense, and even more so because Paul Pierce has been the best player on the floor in four out of five games.

That, really, is All You Need To Know. The rest of it is just noise, and despite all of the poor mouthing and my most fervent prayer, one of you has to win tonight. It might even happen without a Conspiracy.

So, game on. And from the other NBA fans out there, noting that the series has fair to middling ratings despite being the Biggest Thing In The History Of The Association / Universe? Um, OK. Whatever you little dears need to get you excited...

Gotta go to... somewhere else

Currently running on this site... ads for Modell's Sporting Goods, who would like you to know that they are the official sporting goods supplier of the Boston Celtics.

Which makes me feel a lot better about my frequent shopper card for Dick's, which is where I bought my poker table, chips, golf balls, golf umbrella, club for my kid to go with me to the range, and, well, everything else that I could possibly buy in sporting goods for the theoretical rest of my life...

Epic Drop: Top 11 Signs That NBA Fans Are Becoming Cynical

Frankly, the Ad Age survey struck me as kind of sad... but also inevitable. Given the political climate in this country, where 3 out of 4 people disapprove of the President, 3 out of 5 oppose the war, and over half of the people in New York City think 9/11 was either aided or abetted by US authorities... well, why would you think the NBA is on the up and up? Or, well, anything?

My Winning Fantasy

Since it's mid-June, and fantasy sports leagues start earlier every year (it's getting as bad as retailers with Christmas and other holidays -- watch your circulars for back to school, which will probably happen right after the Fourth of July), league sign-ups are starting now. I'm no different, and this year, I'm starting my own league.

Which leads me to following strong annoyance point... if we're going to the trouble of drafting defenses, why don't we care whether they win or lose the game?

In the Yahoo pre-sets, which is the dominant format, you can adjust for points for blocked kicks. Safetys. Get points for a botched running play by the QB where he's tackled, or runs out of bounds, for a one yard loss that's called a sack. But whether or not the defense manages the game to do what football teams are constructed to do -- win? Nope. Not at all.

(A similar grievance happens with quarterbacks who rack up 300 yards and 2 touchdowns in garbage time against scrubs, after their own backbreaking turnovers caused the game to be long out of reach. I call this the Aaron Brooks Effect, after the worst real-life and best geek-life QB in roto sports history. Brooks was on the champion roster in my total redraft league for three or four years straight, because the man was born to deliver points that meant nothing in reality, but everything to us. You could, if you had the balls, spend nothing at QB and load up on the other positions, and routinely fight the guy with Peyton Manning to a draw on touchdown passes to Joe Horn that changed the final score from 28-10 to 28-17. In his honor, I will now back this column up for ten yards under no real pressure, and throw my point backwards like a special needs child that's not getting milk before nap time. There's a good long pointless parenthetical digression. Brooksie would be proud.)

Anyhow, my fellow nerdlings, how many times has this happened to you? You select a defense on a good team. They contain the opposition and build up a lead -- maybe even with sacks and a turnover or two. Their offense then puts the game out of reach. And then, whether through an obvious letdown, a fluke play, or the game management mode that kicks in for every team once the magic "well, we can't get a shutout" play happens... and by the final gun, you are looking at 14 to 21 meaningless points against prevent, including ones where the offense has totally screwed you with a red zone turnover, or auto points from point after touchdowns on defense or special teams. It's the worst way to lose.

Meanwhile, the guy over in the corner who picked up the freaking Bengals has outpointed you, because while they are a terrible, terrible defense, they score more because they gamble constantly. So they've given up more points and lost, but had a pick and lateral play that got them in the end zone. In the immortal words of Derrick Coleman, whoop de damn do.

Now, if we're able to give the defense some points -- not a ton, mind you, just say, five to cover for the letdown touchdowns that happen in the 14 to 20 points range -- well, I don't see what that hurts. Maybe it makes the defenses a little more important in drafting, or adds an amount of extra (but fairly cool) complexity in the waiver wire strategy of adding and dropping defenses by match-up. Maybe, and this is the best thing of all, it makes all of us nerdlings not stick out like sci-fi conventioneers in Wookie costumes at the sports bar, since we'll be cheering and groaning over the outcome of the game. That'd be nice.

So have a heart, Yahoo Honks. Give us defensive wins as a point option, and do it in time for this year's leagues, so that I don't have to keep it by hand. You'll strike a small blow for making fantasy football more closely resemble what it really is -- gambling on the outcome of NFL games. (Shhh....)

Epic Drop: Top 10 NBA Finals Questions

Your link is here, and if you're overdosed on NBA coverage by now, I can't blame you, but it's where I'm going. I'm squeezing the end of this NBA season as hard as I can, folks. You'll have plenty of MLB and NFL soon....

Celtics-Lakers, Game Six, Fourth Quarter: How To Be Small

Pierce starts the fourth with a drawn foul on Odom, and pick and roll is terrible for the home team. The likely series MVP hits both. Farmer gets to the cup and erases that. Walton on Pierce and he did a good job; miss. Odom hits a three, which really isn't his game, and that's a 12-point Laker lead and a good Rivers timeout. Odom's got 18, and if you are looking for Laker goats, look to the MVP more than him...

Pierce owns Bryant on a drive; he has 30, many of them effortless. Farmer drives and scores, looking like a point than can help, and Lord knows there's an opportunity for that in this series. House misses. KG tips, and Gasol blocks Allen, then gets the loose ball call. Huge play by the Spaniard. On the other end, Vujacic hammers Posey for no reason after a miss. Telling.

Walton scores on a pull up, rather than feed Bryant, and then gets a weak loose ball call, his fourth. Casell posts Farmer and scores, and Farmer is bent with the refs on the other end. Vujacic misses the 3, gets the o-board, and gets thrown by Cassel with a nice no-call flop. If Sam Cassel can throw you down at his age, you're not an athlete. Lakers get the tap, and Vujacic's 3 doesn't settle, but they keep it. Big sequence here, and Vujacic is 3 for his last 19 in the last two games. Farmer doesn't get a roll, and Cassel owns him for an old-school 3 with the bank shot. Who knew Sam could still make basketball plays?

With 8 minutes left, it's a 9 point game. Bryant finally gets one to go, and he's got 20 now. Cassel shoots, misses, then gets fed by Garnett and scores. He's having Rockets flashbacks. Gasol misses on good Garnett defense. Walton guards Garnett well on the other end, and the refs swallow the whistle until Walton takes a bad on in transition. With 6:22 left, the Lakers are in the penalty. That won't help, and Jeff Van Gundy is offended by the Lakers' defense. So is everyone else, really... Odom and Fisher return for the Lakers.

Pierce makes both, and it's a 7 point game after a 9-2 Green run. Ugly Lakers possession ends in a Kobe turnover. Pierce drives, falls, flips to Posey for a 3 pointer. Good grief. Fisher misses and Posey outfights Odom for the board; we have Yet Another Timeout For Even More Ads, and the game is at four. If you believe in conspiracies, this is when the refs ensure a Game Six. If you are just watching the game and the freaky bad play by Bryant, this is when the Celtics end a Finals that have completely failed to live up to the hype, mostly because the Lakers had no heart, and no answers for Paul Pierce.

Pierce goes 1 on 4, and goes to the line easily. He's now 12 of 15 from the line, with 34 points, and it's a two point game with 5:15 left. In five games, the Lakers have not pressured the point guard. A miss, and the Celtics almost answer, but Fisher can't stay in bounds. Pierce drives, finds Garnett, who hits. The 14 point second half lead is gone.

Gasol owns Garnett down low, and he's got 19 and 10 now. Allen finds Garnett underneath, who is fouled by Farmer, rather than give up the lay up. With 3:54 left, the Celtics are getting easy looks, but KG misses the first and hits the second, so it's 92-91 Lakers. Garnett picks up his fifth away from the ball, and it's Bavetta Time! Pierce fouls Bryant on an entry pass, and that's his fifth as well, with 3:31 left. Jackson calls time to give the referees some cover from making more conspiracy calls, and because we weren't yet on pace for a midnight finish. Thanks, Phil!

It's a 17-4 Green run. Bryant, enjoying the move of Pierce with his fifth foul away to Ray Allen, feeds Odom, who can't finish but does get to the line. Odom's free throw problems don't surface on the first, and he also gets the second for the 3-point lead. Bryant on Pierce, and he gets a steal that Fisher takes to the rack; he can't finish, but does go to the line. Posey with the hustle foul, and it pays off as Fisher misses the first. With 3:07 left, Lakers by four after a make.

Pierce goes all the way to the rack, yet again, as Bryant gets crushed on the screen. Van Gundy calls out Farmer for not taking a charge on that; he might have a point. Pierce makes both, and it's 2 again with 2:56 left. Gasol misses and Garnett falls after the board. He'll go to the line, and we're going to see a lot of that at the end of this game. Garnett misses both -- what a choke! -- and that's an opportunity. Bryant draws a foul, then Posey hits Odom after the whistle. Classy. Bryant makes both, and it's a 4 point game.

Pierce to the rack, misses, Garnett gets board but also misses, and Odom collects. Bryant runs clock, misses, but Gasol collects. Bryant runs clock, but then misses a 3, and Odom fouls on the board. Bryant is now 7 for 20 for the game, 2 for 12 after the first, and has absolutely ended any idea that he's like Michael Jordan in any way, really. Pierce to the line and his both; it's a 2 point game with 74 seconds left.

Bryant brings it up. Fisher misses a 3, and Pierce boards... but Bryant turns around his entire game, if not the series, with a steal on Pierce. Odom feeds him for the slam, and it's a 4 point game with 37.9 left. If you're a Green Fan, you don't know how Pierce can't get a call here, and if you aren't, you remember that Paul Pierce's tendency for turnovers is what has kept him from being a consistent first team All-NBA pick. Just a huge, huge play.

House back in. Ray Allen drives and misses; KG tips and also misses. Odom gets the board and almost turns it, and also doesn't get fouled, which seems like a mistake to me, given his shakiness at the line. 26.8 left, and it's the Lakers' game to lose...

Odom inbounds to Fisher -- wise choice -- who gets the intentional foul. He's an 85% shooter for his career, but he misses the first. Oy. He's now just 5 of 8 for the game; two makes wouldn't have iced it, but it would have come close. The second takes forever, but he hits it. Whoopie! Another timeout! 100-95, Lakers. House's quick 3 is a miss, and Gasol gets the board. No foul is called as he gets it to Bryant, who is allowed to dribble off more time until Ray Allen gives up his sixth foul with 16.7 left. Kobe's finishing mojo has taken a lot of hits in this series, and missing the second free throw won't help matters, either. If Fisher and Bryant hadn't left two points on the throws in the last two possessions, this game is already over.

House hits a miracle 3, and the Lakers nearly turn it on the inbounds -- just inexcusable, that a team coached by a guy with Phil Jackson's resume can't finish. Fisher hits both, and it's back to five... and Fisher steals to clinch it. Lakers 103, Celtics 98, and if you're a Laker fan, you can't really have much hope for two more wins like that one.

Goats? Well, Garnett's missed free throws were huge, and he didn't do much at all in the fourth. All of the Celtics bigs got owned tonight. Rajon Rondo was terrible. And if anyone remembers that in the long term, I'll be stunned. Game Six is on Tuesday -- really? that's kind of amazing, given the cross-county travel. There's no reason to think the Celtics can lose that game, let alone a Game Seven... but if they do, I think this ranks even higher than Eighteen And One Very Big One. Hope springs eternal...

Celtics-Lakers, Game Five, Third Quarter: A Series First

The Celtics start this quarter as a +43 for the thirds in the first four games. I'm predicting that if they have a lead at the end of this quarter, this series is over. (And with the Celtics hanging in without Perkins, Garnett in foul trouble and Rondo still less than 100%, they've clearly gotten all of the excuses they need if they don't win this game...)

Lakers begin with a turn and the announcers blathering about bowling and obesity. Oh dear. Pierce turns on a catch, and Green is starting Brown instead of Powe. Pierce picks up a cheap one, and have we entered The Bavetta Zone? Odom scores on a nice drive over Garnett, who is babying the three fouls. Allen scores off a ridiculously easy inbounds play, the second one of the game. Kobe misses on Garnett pressure, and Rondo steals from Radmanovic. Garnett gets a board that Gasol can't bother to move for, and Allen makes the 3 to tie it. The Lakers Are Gutless.

A missed Lake Show 3, and Pierce gets to the line for the Celtics' first lead of the night, but he misses the second. 58-57. Radmanovic misses in tight. Odom D's up, but Gasol misses in transition, and Bryant gets the O-board and scores with a free throw. Fisher looks hurt, and as Bryant makes for a 2 point lead, you wonder why they don't get him out of there.

Garnett is starting to look comfy, with an easy drive and score on Gasol. Tie game. Rondo pokes Fisher, and Bryant picks up his third foul on Pierce taking a charge. Rondo makes from distance, and it's the Celtics' biggest lead, but Gasol erases it on a nice post move. Tie game. Game gets very chippy, as Garnett gets away with a moving screen on Fisher, then gets the O-board and a foul call. Gasol has no chance with him righ now. After a distance miss from Green, Gasol drives, scores, and gets to the line with Garnett's 4th foul -- huge play. Lakers by 3, and after the Rondo miss, the refs change the foul back to Brown. Yeesh. KG turns after a Lake turn, and the game's gone sloppy.

Odom can't get a roll; KG clears, and Pierce drives at will, scores, and collects a Jackson timeout from sheer disgust. On that last play, I think he scored on guys who weren't even in the game. He's been the best player in the series, assuming you don't pay attention to Game Three, which in the long run, no one will.

After the turn, Bryant is called for his fourth foul on another drive, and he doesn't even challenge the call. After a Rondo miss, it's an ugly possession, and Fisher is tied up for a jump ball. No one, not even Bryant, looks like they want to shoot right now. Fisher than banks in a shot with contact, and that resuscitates the crowd; bad foul by Rondo, and the Lake Show lead is 4. Raqdmanovic picks Rondo, who will be bench bound soon. A Radmanovic 3, and the LA crowd is as loud as they've been all night, and that had to be sweet for Vlad, who hit in front of many howling and hopping Celtics on the bench. The 7-point lead is the largest that LA has had this half, and... we're back to the ads. Woo hoo!

Pierce out of the timeout owns Radmanovic, and the 11-2 run seems a long time ago. Odom is stripped by Posey on a drive for the 13th Laker turn. Pierce misses, while still making Radmanvoic look sad, and House gets a call. Not sure why Jackson hasn't thrown Ariza at Pierce at this point, given that Walton and Vlad have no chance with him, and Bryant has four. Fisher makes two at the line, and the lead is back to 7 with 16 minutes left to play. Fisher with 10 now, his best game of the Finals, which isn't saying much.

Sloppy ball-handing -- turns by House, Bryant, Radmanovic and several others in a five second span -- ends with Allen at the line, and he (of course) hits both. He's got 16, and the back and forth game continues. House has a cut, so Cassell comes in. Fisher is fould by Pierce, his third, on a jump shot for no good reason. Fisher misses the first and makes the second, so the lead's back to 6.

Lakers switch Odom on Pierce, but Cassell hits from baseline on good ball movement. Bryant turns it again, and Pierce has owned him. A Green miss, and Garnett hammers Gasol on another non-dunk -- maybe he just can't jump that high? -- and that's KG's fourth foul. Gasol makes both and has 16. Odom fouls Posey, his second, on an o-board. Vujacic can't fight through the screens. Allen misses another open look, and eventually turns it on bad foot position. With 100 seconds left in the third, the Lakers are actually up for the quarter, a first for this series.

Bryant misses another open look off an o-board; he's terrible right now, though he is getting some boards. The Lakers miss several open looks as both teams are squeezing it too hard. Walton in and he makes a nice pass to Odom, who scores. House counters with a bad turn. Brown fouls Gasol before a make, and with one of two from the line, he's got 19, 9 and 5 -- but many of those numbers were early. At the end of three, it's Lakers 79, Celtics 70.

Celtics-Lakers, Game Four, First Half: Rerun

Will this be the last game of the year? We Shall See. The Celtics start without Kendrick Perkins, and Leon Powe wins the tap in his stead. Pierce falls on a catch and turns the ball over, and that, combined with the presence of Dick Bavetta, says the series is going back to Boston. Perkins being out might help the Lakers biggest problem in this series, which is that their bigs have been crushed. A Kobe 3 after a Gasol make gives the home team a quick 5-0 lead. Three fast Celtics turnovers emphasis the point.

A missed Kobe 3 is followed by another bad Pierce turnover -- where was this defense in Game Four? -- and Kobe misses again, very aggro but still ineffective. Garnett makes from outside, but Fisher responds for 3, and it's 8-2. Kobe makes again after a KG miss, and the lead is 8, but KG responds. You get the feeling that the Lakers need a large lead, but two straight no calls and a big mess of Celtics o-boards and Laker foul calls makes this game have the Celtics' pace. If I've learned anything about this Celtics team, is that they don't get blown out...

Rondo goes 1 for 2, and it's 10-5. Gasol feeds Radmanovic for an easy one, and it's amazing to me how small Radmanovic is at 6'-10". Gasol gets an o-board and follow, and really looks like he's enjoying the absence of Perkins. With the make, it's 14-5, and the Lakers have their largest lead.

Rondo misses badly, and Bryant answers with a 3; it's a 13-point lead after an 8-0 run. Game Four, of course, means that no first quarter lead is meaningful, but it doesn't look like the Celtics are very interested in clinching this on the road.

House and Brown in for the Celtics to change the mood. Pierce hits from mid-range, and Odom answers with an ugly travel. The Lakers don't put Bryant on House, but Brown misses at point-blank range, and Bryant hits another 3 to make it a 14-point lead. Kobe has 11 on 4 shots, but House responds with a 3 over Fisher. Kobe answers with another 3, and egads, he looks driven tonight. Brown responds, and it's 12, 24-12. Bryant has 4 3's in the first quarter, and that's all good, so long as he starts driving and getting calls.

Allen hits a 3, and both teams are really starting to find the range. Radmanovic misses from distance, but Kobe follows for an easy board and gets to the lane. With 39 and a half minutes left in the game, Bryant has nearly as many points as he did for all of Game 4... but he misses the second, and it's 25-15.

Brown misses, and he's looked lost in LA. Fisher drives and scores, and he's looked good here. Ah, the magic of home cooking. House misses from 3, Bryant feeds Radmanovic for another effete layup, and we're back to 14. Allen misses a reverse, Brown can't finish as Gasol, of all people blocks him, and after another make, it's the Lakers' latest biggest lead of 16. No one is fooled, of course, but man, the Celtics don't seem all that concerned about this game.

Celts come out of timeout with a make, and Luke Walton, the Lakers' answer to Sam Cassel, misses. Garnett leans in with an easy follow, but commits his second foul with 1:08 left in the first. Brown comes in as Walton makes both, and we're back to 14. Gasol has 7 and 5 in the early going.

Vujacic steals and slams, as Farmer pressures House. Pierce goes to the line after a possession where his body language was terrible; he makes both, and it's 14 again. Farmer finally looks good in the series with quickness off the dribble, and it's 37-21. Pierce goes to the line on Walton's second. Pierce makes one of two, Gasol has a goaltend credit, and the Lake Show shoots 65% in the first and leads, 39-22.

Farmer makes, and there is a Chris Mihm sighting! Yes, that's not much of a vote of confidence for Rony Turiaf. Vujacic hits from just inside the arc, and it's 19; will the Laker bench finally make a positive contribution? Not on defense, as Pierce scores and goes to the line. After the make, it's 43-27. Vujacic misses. Pierce back to the line and misses; Ariza in for Cass -- oh, Walton. Second is made, and it's 15.

Farmer misses a 3 off a Mihm screen, but Radmanovic fights for the board and gets a team bounce. Mihm throws up an airball, then picks up a blocking foul, so this bizarre strategy isn't working out. Walt -- oh, I mean Cassell -- is in. Pierce makes another, and Tony Allen with a steal -- it's garbage time in the second, and Tony Allen dunks to cut it to 11. I don't know why on earth both coaches feel that it's necessary to play deep bench scrubs, given the ridiculous amount of commercial time and days between games, but it's played into Green's hands, and they've made an 8-0 run. Until the Lake Show can stop Pierce, they can't do enough. 43-32.

Vujacic misses off the timeout, but Odom saves the possession. He then gets bumped on the block and turns it over. Tony Allen makes another, and woof, that's kind of amazing. Bryant feeds Turiaf, but Posey draws a bad charge call, and that's another turn. Bryant d's up on Pierce and the Truth misses. Cassell elbows Turiaf hard, and yes, that's a foul. Fisher, Gasol and Garnett return, and KG probably wishes that he didn't, as Gasol draws the third. It's a call that Green Fan hates and will call in the Bavetta Conspiracy, but Gasol sold it well. He misses the throws and shows hoop divine justice.

Pierce slams off a Brown screen, and it's matador time again for the Lake Show. Bryant misses the 3, and Tony Allen misses in tight, but the Celtics keep it, and it's down to 7. A Pierce 3, and it's a 4-point game. How gutless is the Lake Show? Vujacic misses, but Odom keeps it. Fisher tries to draw a foul and airballs it. Lakers haven't scored in forever, in that five minutes in the NBA is forever. Bryant turns on a whip pass to Gasol, and that's the kind of play that real playmakers don't make. Once again, with the tide turning against his team, Bryant isn't driving, isn't getting to the line, isn't stopping the bleeding. At all. Is it too late to re-vote on that MVP thing?

Coming out of the timeout, the announcers bury Gasol, and Cassel and Tony Allen combine for turnover magic. Bryant misses, Odom boards and misses, and Gasol is smacked for no call, but the Lakers keep possession. Is there some law that the Laker bigs can't dunk? Fisher misses, and Green recovers. Cassel misses, but Gasol can't get the board, and the goat horns are clearly being fitted for the big Spaniard. Cassel forces another and misses. Bryant to Gasol to Odom finally works, and the 7.5 minute drought is over. As the game almost had flow there for a second, Rivers calls time, and yes, we're well on track for over a 2.5 hour game. But on the plus side, we're all getting to see more of "Wall-E."

Posey misses from 3. Bryant does as well, but Odom gets a board and follows, only to see Radmanovic get a technical. If you are a Laker fan, you have to wonder why your bigs aren't dominating more in a game without Perkins and Garnett. Radmanovic gets crushed on a drive by Tony Allen, but Gasol feeds Odom, who scores and gets to the line. Odom makes for his 9th poiint and Gaosl's 4th assist.

Pierce misses, and Odom boards. A Farmer 3 is embarrassingly short, and Ray Allen's 3 cuts it to 5, but Farmer gets his feet set and scores off a Kobe feed. Fisher and Ray Allen get double technicals for no reason that I can see, but it looks like Ray-Ray got away with a push. A six point lead is pushed back to 8 as Odom scores while falling; he has 9 in the quarter. Farmer steals, but misses the 3 on the other end, and after a lot of contact all over, it's still Green ball. For a game with a ton of techs, there's a lot of contact being allowed here.

Brown scores off trouble with 40 seconds left. Bryant gets turned and he's bent at the refs, like everyone else in this game. Kobe hasn't scored in 15 minutes, and after a Pierce three, and another Kobe miss, the Laker lead is all but gone, and poor Michelle Tafoya gets the nasty assignment of talking to Kobe. Lakers 55, Celtics 52.

Season's End

I was thinking about the end of the NBA season today, and how, like many things, it's underrated.

When the MLB season ends, it's October and November. The leafs are turning or falling, the days are getting short, it's the obvious end of many things. From the summer of enjoyment and easy nights to the crispness of fall, it's logical for many reasons. It makes sense.

When the NFL season ends, it's February, the most depressing time of the year. Everything seems cold and frozen and dead, with no end in sight, and no season holidays to look forward to. It's natural to be depressed.

When the NBA season ends, it doesn't feel like the end of anything -- but if you are a parent and/or an adult, it's actually the start of a lot of misery. It's still weeks away from the meaninglessness of NFL training camps, and six weeks away from the cheap, third-rate handjob that is preseason football. Baseball doesn't seem any different or exciting now, and the kids are home and the yard work calls.

As you get older, summer seems less and less like something to be enjoyed, and more like something to be endured. Other people are on vacation, traveling the world, going to camp and having life-changing romances. Me, I'm mowing, weeding, worrying about the air conditioning bill, and waiting for football that means something. Movies are dumb and loud. Television gives us idiots doing reality television.

So if you don't mind too terribly, I'm going to root for as much basketball as possible, for as long as possible. Because my yard work, sunburn, fetid subway ride and the rest just doesn't have the same appeal they used to, y'know?

The Shooter Eldest Scores In a Washout

Saturday night, I took my eldest to Shea Stadium for the attempted Mets-Rangers game, as part of my quest to see as many ballparks as possible (this makes, I think, 18). The forecast of scattered thunderstorms was just a bit off, as constant thunderstorms kicked in and forced a cancellation. Add in a comedy of errors for trains and me forgetting to bring an umbrella, and it was kind of an ordeal, but time with my kid is almost always a win.

Shea seems like a nice enough place to me, but I'm suspicious of new yards; they always seem like more money for less baseball, and usually served up with a side order of corporate welfare. The trip up on the 7 train makes you feel like you are heavily invested in a New York trip, in a way that a ride to the Bronx and Yankee Stadium does not, and there is much less of a corporate crowd feel, especially since you can see the game for twenty bucks (that's hopeless cheap for New York).

Mets Fans seem highly involved in jersey wearing, with a 50-50 split in current and past players; as an ex-Phillies fan, it was kind of striking to me to see just how many Dykstra gamers were around. I guess he's the guy that bridges both fan bases. So I ask the kid whether she thought it was silly for people to wear jerseys, or if they did, should they pick a current or past player. And then she said something pure and simple, and perhaps not really true for adults, but nice anyway.

"Well, baseball players have feelings, too, and it must make them feel good to see people wearing their number."

And in that moment, you get it. Wearing someone's jersey is so much tied into what it says about the fan who is doing it -- that they've got the money to spend, and that they are doing it in this way, or that they have this odd fantasy life where they think they are like that player. But maybe it's more and different than that. Maybe it's just selfless, to show a player that you believe in them... and maybe that's why it seems like something you shouldn't do when you are older.

Because you learn not to believe. But you can always learn something different.

Epic Drop: Top 16 Players for your MLB Dead Pool

The list tonight is a bad piece of business, which makes me think it's going to get a lot of traffic, comments, links and the like. Just so long as it makes some raging Red Sox Fan convinced that they need to go nuts over any hint of dark humor about Jon Lester, I'll be happy. (If I can enrage a Red Sox fan with the Celtics up 3-1 in the NBA Finals, that's a real accomplishment.)

Celtics-Lakers, Game Four, Second Half: Abort, Retry, Fail

Things open up with Pierce getting to the line and making two; he now has 8 for the game, and needs another 20 or so to make this competitive. Odom finally misses in traffic, and Garnett hits from 20 to make it 14. Hmm. Kobe responds with his first make, and Rondo answers, then gets a hand on a Gasol jumper.

Perkins can't finish, but the Lakers defense is bad right now, and the run is on. KG misses, but Allen outfights Fisher for the o-board, and Garnett finally drives and scores. Odom gets to the line, and Perkins hurts himself on the foul, and he looks to be in more pain than a crippled Paul Pierce. He goes to the locker room as Odom rattles in both free throws, and if you are counting at home, that's the fourth time in four games that a Celtic has needed locker room attention.

Brown continues the playoff-long pattern of role players clanging on the road, and quickly, the lead is back to 18. KG and Allen misfire for a turn. Odom turns, trying to be as fancy as Kobe, and KG is calling for it, but Posey misses. Kobe misses, but it's Odom's night with another board. Fisher fakes Rondo to Inglewood, and his the jumper that makes it 20. This game is another Lakers run away from extensive garbage time.

A computer failure happens, killing my notes for a long amount of game time. It's kind of how the day has gone, and the game for the Lake Show... the notes include a 21-3 run for the Celtics, as the Lake Show refuses to make Green pay for putting Tony Allen on the floor when James Posey collected his fifth foul. The Laker bigs have cooled down, with missed dunks at the rim, and for the fourth straight game, the Celtics demolish the Lakers in the third quarter.

Counting tonight, they are something like +45 for these in the series. I have no idea why a team with a real deficiency at coach can do this for four straight games. I get back live with ten minutes left in the game, and Bryant and Pierce trade fantastic shots to keep the game tied, but the Lakers offense is disjointed now. Odom misses from 22 at the buzzer, and Garnett misses from 15, a better chance. Bryant's two gives them the lead again, and House misses. Right now, only Bryant looks like he wants to shoot, and he misses a scoop. Garnett answers, and Turiaf misses from the baseline, and no, I didn't know why Turiaf was on the floor... but then he makes a big-time defensive play on PJ Brown, and Odom makes on the other end. Green has not taken a lead, despite the comeback.

Turiaf fouls, and Brown's off for Posey, who returns with five fouls and six minutes left. Pierce misses, collapses his ankle, and Bryant slams on the other end to give the Lakers a four point lead. I'd make a wheelchair joke here, but it's too obvious, which is in its very small way, a wheelchair joke...

5:47 left. Allen falls but recovers, and Posey hits the 3, a big shot. 81-80 now. Bryant drives and gets no call, but the board goes to the Lakers with 6 to shoot, and Gasol bails them out nicely. Garnett is aggro in the lane for the first time in the fourth in the series, and gets Gasol's third. He hits both, and it's a one point game again. So far, no one can call out Garnett for his fourth quarter.

No lead changes in the game so far, and Posey pulls the chair on Odom to force a miss. House hits a jumper with severe difficulty, and that is your first Green lead. Gasol turns, and with 3:48 remaining, the road team is on path for one of the greatest comebacks in Finals history, and that sound you heard was the Bad Tooth squealing like a little girl. Give it up to him; this is a game for Classic.

A Pierce 3 misses, but the Lakers let Ray Allen get his ninth rebound -- that's kind of astounding -- and a baseline lay up. Vujacic misses, Odom boards, and they finally get it to Bryant, who feeds Farmer for a 3 pointer miss. Garnett in the paint again, and with 2:10 remaining, it's a five point game, and I don't know how the Lakers are going to score to make this a game again. The Celtics defense is just that good right now, and the Lakers all look like they either don't want to shoot, or can't buy a make (that'd be Bryant). Wow.

A small note: for some reason, the HD telecast of tonight's game keeps losing audio in the commercials, at least where I live. That's a good thing. Keep it up, ABC.

Instant foul coming out of the timeout. Lakers go small and shooty, like the end of Game Two. Kobe makes two on a Pierce foul, and that's a big help, especially with no clock running. Two minutes left. Bryant on Pierce, and the Truth raggedly gets into the lane and draws a Gasol foul, his fourth. They need makes, and he misses the first. 1:44 left. Second one is good, and it's 4. Bryant takes a foul from Pierce, his fourth. If you are Fix Minded, watch for him to pick up two more. Kobe drives and scores, and it's just great; 2 point game. The Posey 3 is a pure dagger at 1:13, but Fisher responds with his foot on the line, and it's still a 3 point game. One minute left.

Bryant bumps Pierce, who sells it well and goes to the line -- Pierce was yelling in pain before the contact. 46.8 seconds left, and amazingly, we don't get commercials in the timeout. The Celtics scored 14 points in the first quarter, and 78 since. Pierce at the line, and he makes it 80. It's desperation time for the Lake Show.

Bryant feeds Gasol for the dunk. Lakers don't foul... and they also don't defend, as Allen waltzes past Vujacic for a layup, and no Laker is behind him to provide help. I think he's had harder makes playing against his kids, and I'm not sure that he's got any. With 15.7 left, it's a 5 point game, and if the Celtics make their free throws, this series is over. There is no way that this Lakers team, with this kind of crunch time defense, can win twice in Boston, especially after gagging up the biggest first quarter lead in Finals history.

Bryant with just 17 tonight, on 6 of 19. Vujacic misses, Bryant misses, and it's all over -- the game, the series, Doc Rivers' reputation as a nincompoop, Kobe Bryant 's reputation as a closer, the Young Lakers Turning Into A Dynasty and maybe Phil Jackson's reputation as a Zen master. Celtics 97, Lakers 91, and whether or not that's the best comeback ever for Green or a display of utter gutlessness by the Lake Show... well, why can't it be both?

Will it go more than five? I don't see why. If the Lakers get close with a big lead at the half and their bigs playing well, it's going to take a lot of referee help and/or a Kobegasm to make this go long. Right now, I'd bet on inertia and gutlessness, depending on how you see the world.

Celtics-Lakers, Game Four, First Half: Not Quite Classic

The Bad Tooth over at the World Wide Lemur (you know, the one from Boston) predicted a game for ESPN Classic tonight. So far, that's only if they want to show Lakers' Greatest Runaways. I came in a bit late, and seem to have walked in on a different series -- the one I expected to watch, where the Lakers are having absolutely no difficulties. It's the largest lead ever after one quarter in a Finals game, and it's not even a Kobe Experience. Lakers 35, Celtics 14, with Lamar Odom goin six for six from the field. Ten to one in assists, 14 to 6 in boards, 10 free throws to one... it's an avalanche. Great googly moogly!

The simple fact for the Lake Show is that if Odom is on his game -- and six for six is very much on his game -- there isn't a team in the NBA that can stay with them. He's long, can hande the ball, and if he's finishing in traffic, just a nightmare to guard... and that also means that none of the Celtic bigs can give help, which just opens everything else up, too.

The second quarter opens with the Laker shock troops, and Trevor Ariza gets away with a push and o-board slam. Leon Powe is not getting the same love from the refs in Southern California, and Paul Pierce left his game in Boston... but the funny thing about NBA games is that there's always a run. Isn't there? Ariza continues to make an impact on the game with hardcore hustle defense plays, but the Laker bench is too sloppy to turn it into points (hint: less Luke Walton), and after four KG points, the game starts settling down a little... and then Walton finally makes an open 3, and it's 21 again.

ABC decides that what we need is Will Smith, and Michele Tafoya gets caught grabbing a post-fluff hug. Smith offered less resistance to that than the Celtics have to Odom, who just went to seven for seven... The Celtics counter with Sam Cassel, and a turnover soon ensues, though to be fair, it wasn't the ancient alien's fault. He did have just enough quicks to foul. Woo hoo!

Vujacic drains a 3, and it's 45-21. I'm guessing that the Celtics are kind of wishing this was 2-2-1-1-1 now, because the last 2.5 quarters in this series, they are -30 and counting... and the Celtics offense seems to be guys who can't shoot, lining up from 20+ feet away to prove the point. Normally, I don't think a 24 point first half lead is unassailable, but the Celtics are barely on a pace to score 24 points themselves for the half, and I don't like their chances at pitching a shutout.

KG and Allen score, cutting the lead to 19. and that's when Jackson takes the timeout. With four minutes left in the half, it's definitely go time for Green; if they can get it to 15 or less, you'd have to think they'd be thrilled, and Kobe might decide to force things. A Kobe miss is followed by Posey getting to the line, and the pattern continues. Another miss and a Posey 3, and the run is nine; it's followed by another turn. Pierce hits, and it's 12 after a 12-0 run. It's the NBA -- everybody makes a run! But Derek Fisher gets the old-school 3 to stop the bleeding, and it's back to 14 with 2:36 left in the half.

You never hear anyone in the Association talk about how a game was won or lose in the first half, but I submit that the next 2.5 minutes are that way for this game. A Lakers run, and the chance for extensive garbage time is strong. A Celtics run, and it's a more or less even game in the second half, with a lot of worried Laker fans. Status quo, and it's still a strong Laker half, but one with a much greater chance for pressure minutes in the fourth. It's all now.

An Allen 3 off bad looking Rondo penetration misses. The Laker bigs conduct a passing drill for a Gasol dunk. Allen hits a defensive 3-second technical. Posey hits another 3 -- huge -- and it's back to 13, with Posey having 10 in the quarter. KG gets away with goaltending, but Allen misses, and Fisher, having his best game of the series, gets to the line. Both free throws are made, and we're looking at status quo; 15 point Laker lead.

Bryant gets his third on a block, and Kobe sits for the rest of the half. Pierce makes two, and the Celtics are getting to the line. Lake turn, Pierce mises, and Fisher runs clock. Gasol rolls to the hoop easily and gets the old-school 3, and man, the Celtics bigs look horrible tonight. Rondo gets run over by Radmanovic on an idiotic play with 5.2 left, and the point guard follows his road woes with a miss and a make. Farmer rattles in a running 3 at the buzzer, and it's Lakers 57, Celtics 40 at the half. Odom has 15, 8 and 3, and when he's the best player on the court, the Celtics have insurmountable problems. More after the break.

Epic Drop: Top 10 Fantasy Football Naming Conventions

Your link today is actually helpful, or at least might be, assuming you think that more time spent on your fantasy football team is helpful. Oh, who am I kidding? I just helped you waste more of your day at work. And mine, too. I feel bad. Seriously.

In defense of boredom and intentional failure

I used to take the Shooter Eldest to fifteen to twenty baseball games a year, when she was aged 2 to 4. People always used to congratulate me on how lucky it was that my kid was a baseball fan, or ask how I managed to cultivate a taste for such a slow game in a little girl... and then I'd have to tell them that, no, it wasn't luck or cultivation, because the Shooter Eldest isn't really that much of a fan. She just likes to go places with me.

"But how do you keep her from being bored?"

Well, we'd go to the children's play area, bring coloring books, buy junk food... hey, um, actually? Sometimes, she gets bored. Life is like that. It's not even child abuse.

The other night, I was keeping a spare eye on the Tigers-Indians game while dealing with laundry, where Cleveland jumped all over the minor-league board Dontrelle Willis (he's Barry Zito without, um, control or stuff). With the score 8-0 in the third and the mother of all rain storms bearing down on Motown, Indians' pitcher Cliff Lee just started throwing belt-high strikes to try to get the game to official status quickly. He gave up a couple of runs, but moved the game along fast.

The Tribe hitters then came up, and while they were also hurrying things along, they were still swinging the bat to hit the ball, and when reaching base, not getting picked off first intentionally. From outside the game, it seemed like the wrong play, but from the point of view of a player whose outs could be used against you in a court of arbitration? Maybe not. (Footnote: the game was stopped in the fifth, but eventually resumed, with a Tribe win.)

Having the ability to be OK with an unpleasant situation (say, heat, boredom, rain, or making outs intentionally), or more importantly, the ability to see beyond your immediate physical or emotional needs is, I think, damned useful. It allows you to develop the concentration to complete a goal. I was bored plenty when I was a kid; it allowed me to develop, moment by agonizing moment, the tiny amount of patience that I have today. More importantly, it let me develop an imagination and intellectual curiosity to see connections where others don't, to find things to think about when there is nothing else to do, and to blog every day and ride trains for 17 hours a week without going into a killing spree. (So far. I'm not making any promises for if and when train delays start pushing this to 20 hours a week and beyond. New Jersey Transit and PATH, you are officially On Notice.)

Entertainment, especially when it's passive and suits you, is brain candy; fun, a rush, easy to sell and, at the end of the day, essentially composed of air and nothingness, with no lasting import or impact. (You can toss in, of course, the video clips you find here, or even this little piece of timewaste if it's not sparking any thoughts on your part.) But you shouldn't just live on candy, just as you should be able to watch something that takes some time without being overwhelmed by feelings of boredom.

Because, well, the people in my life who feel compelled to tell me how bored they are? They are, by and large, extraordinarily boring people. It takes two.

Epic Drop: Top 10 Upcoming and Shocking Allegations from Tim Donaghy

Your link is here, and there's little in the way of prison sex jokes. I'm sorry, really; it's a terrible failing on my part. But if you look closely enough, you'll find there is one for you, in a secret place that always has an extra joke for the sharp-eyed...

Celtics-Lakers, Game Three, Fourth Quarter: And for lack of a better idea, it's a series

> The Celts go with scrubs to start the fourth, like always, and like always, the announcers hate this. Vujacic and Allen swap threes and the lead, and Jesus has 25 and all of the credit for the Celtics' lead. But PJ Brown looks like he's, you know, 200 years old. (Rather than his usual spry 53.)

> Rondo hasn't returned, but neither has Cassel, so there's a bit of sense shown there. Rivers brings Pierce back at 10:08, so once again, he's gotten away with the bench time.

> Every time Lamar Odom drives, it's an offensive foul. He's got 4 points and 4 fouls tonight, and seems way too interested in confirming all of the doubters.

> Leon Powe getting fourth quarter run and playing well. And just as the Celtics have started to really balance out the free throws, Bryant just drives and again misses the first. That's seven misses in a two point game. Huge.

> Jordan Farmer gets Paul Pierce's fifth (he's 1 of 10 from the field, and yet the Celtics are leading -- unbelievable), and as predicted, the Lakers have shown a little more interest in drawing charges at home. This game is suddenly looking more like Celtics-Pistons, or Celtics-Cavs, or a endoscopy...

> Vujacic ties it with 8:10 left. He's just a few flops away from reaching Ginobili levels of annoyance, which is to say, he can play. But like most young players, much more at home.

> With eight minutes left in the game, Jeff van Gundy is ranting about paying full price at the barbershop despite being bald. I think that's a sign that this isn't a particularly compelling game, despite the stakes.

> Rondo's back, and Kobe's off him to harass Garnett, then hits an open 3 off a scramble. Lakers lead again at 6:45, and after a Garnett miss -- is the pre-series script coming true? -- Fisher goes to the line. After two makes, it's a 3 point game at 6:27.

> Odom with a steal as the Celtics look terrible of offense. Bryant salivating, driving, getting to the line. Can he finally make both? He's almost shot better from the field than the line. After two makes, it's a 5 point game, and the Lakers' biggest lead in a long time, after a 7-0 run in less than a minute.

> Allen misses, but Rondo collects an easy o board. Celts double Kobe, and Odom misses, but Gasol tips it in, and that's a big hoop. Odom nearly turns it on an easy board, then turns it on one of his doomed drives... but Pierce also misses, and it's Referee Swallowing Whistles now. Jackson calls a timeout that I would honestly describe as astute. Jesus, I'm turning into Hubie Brown here. 75-70, Lake Show, with 4:25 left.

> Odom misses a jam, but Gasol cleans it again, pushing it to seven. Curious to go to Odom there, but the Celtics are pretty much playing a box and one on Bryant right now. Pierce makes his first really good play of the night, but misses the free throw. Fisher misses a three, but gets the o board, and Brown fouls while reaching for his catheter. As has been true all night, a free throw is missed (this one by Gasol). It's 6 with 3:30 left.

> Bryant is called for a terrible foul (in that he more or less committed assault) and the ref barks at him afterward. A lesser player would have his second technical and would be watching the rest of the game from the locker room, but even Tim Donaghy is not taking the odds of Kobe Bryant getting his second technical. Seriously, so long as he keeps it within the Artest Level, he's staying. And we've got Yet Another Timeout, because why should the game end in less than three hours, or before midnight?

> After the ads, Piece makes both -- a novel idea -- and it's four. Kobe never touches the ball, and Gasol gets his arm yanked on yet another Brown foul (this one not called); it's a turnover. Garnett scores in the clutch (yes, I wrote it) to make it two. Vujacic misses, and someone might want to get the ball to Bryant here. House misses. Vujacic from the corner hits a huge 3 after the Bryant double, and it's five. Pierce doesn't get a call on one of his fullback drives to the hoop, but Fisher does in transition, and the one thing he's doing is hitting his free throws. It's 7 with 1:33 left, and if the Lakers hold on, the Vujacic 3 was the dagger.

> It's 23-14 Lakers in the fourth so far, with the boards going to LA as well. Pierce and Bryant seem to be chatting over a fence. Allen feeds Garnett for an easy dunk, way, way too easy. Lakers run clock. Celtics don't double Kobe and he makes them pay, but House answers with a 3, and it's 4 with 50 seconds left. It's been a bad game, but a good close... and Bryant just absolutely destroys Allen again for an easy jumper. It's six again with 38 seconds left.

> All series long, people have been waiting for Doc Rivers to blow a game, and having Allen on Bryant, solo, on the two biggest shots of the game might be the gag you were looking for. Seriously, I have no idea why they'd do that.

> House misses, but they get the o board. Bodies are on the floor all over the place, and for the first time in NBA history, a moving screen is called on a superstar (Garnett) late in a close playoff game. To be fair, the refs did let Garnet have the first two.

> Despite a good amount of time on the clock, the Celtics don't foul. No one knows why. After an Odom foul and a Pierce miss, the game is over, and man, there's a million questions here.

How does Paul Pierce go 2 of 14 after being the best player on the floor? What drugs was Rivers on to play Allen on Bryant, solo, late? Is Rondo seriously hurt, or did Rivers just throw him under the bus for no good reason? Did the Lakers really just win a game where their second best player was Sasha Vujacic? Why didn't the Celtics foul late, especially with the Lakers missing so many free throws in the game? And does Bryant really have to score 36, with two of the Celtics' top three players mailing it in, to win a home game?

Game Four is Thursday. What, so soon?

Celtics-Lakers, Game Three, Third Quarter: Of Course You Were Expecting Eddie House and Trevor Ariza

> Early in the third, Rajon Rondo goes down with a bad ankle. Quick, get Paul Pierce's Magic Wheelchair! Seriously, if he's really hurt, that's a major problem for the Celtics, in that it means more Sam Cassell on the floor... and right after the substitution, it's Eddie House with a force and a miss. Considering that the Celtics scored only 37 in the first half, they really didn't need to lose their starter at point guard.

> When Kendrick Perkins gets a shaky continuation call, you know the world has changed. And that the refs hate Vlad Radmanovic's game as much as everyone else.

> Rondo's sprain is said to be mild, and he's returning, even without the magic wheelchair. It's like Willis Reed... today, when he gets up to get the newspaper, and let the dog out.

> Pau Gasol's just terrible tonight, but the Lakers are getting contributions from Sasha Vujacic and Trevor Ariza (no, seriously). The Celtics weren't much more than Ray Allen for a long time tonight, and that's why the game feels more like a Game One than a Game Three.

> Derek Fisher is one of those subtle reasons why the Lakers have underperformed so far in this series. Rondo owned him in both games in Boston, and when Rondo went down in the third quarter, he wasn't able to exploit House. For a guy with a playoff rep, he's been a big problem.

> With 5 minutes left in the third, Bryant got Pierce's fourth foul after the Celtics took a lead with a 12-2 run... and then proceeded to miss another free throw. After an Allen 3, it's a 4-point Celtics lead, and while I really do expect a return run from the home team, they are a gutless 16 minutes away from being in Sweep City.

> Every third quarter has been the Celtics so far in this series, and this one is no different; it was +29 with three minutes left, and in each game, the men in green have just seemed to go for the kill here. The fourth quarter has been a different story, but if we've learned anything in these NBA playoffs, is that you don't want to be behind in the fourth, because those comebacks rarely, if ever, get all the way home.

> Your Free Throw Update... Celtics get to the line more than Lakers in the third quarter! Call the authorities! And after an Odom miss in transition, the quarter ends with a two point Celtics lead, and an 8 point swing. We're 12 minutes away from knowing if the Lakers have any sac at all, and if the Celtics have really put their road woes to rest.

Celtics-Lakers, Game Three, First Half: Good God, That's Kobe Bryant's Music!

In an outcome as unexpected as when a guy who is getting battered in a pro wrestling match suddenly starts fighting back, the Lakers came out fast in their first home game of the Finals. The first half was more noteworthy for who didn't play well (KG, Pierce, Gasol, Odom) than who did, and despite Bryant getting to the line (7 of 12, with both teams missing a lot), the Lake Show is only up 6 at the half, with 10 missed free throws looming if things are close late.

Both teams have looked sloppy, and the key strategic point -- putting Bryant on Rondo defensively, so that he can roam for steals and stop the penetration -- should really have been done in either of the first two games in the Finals, but it's hard to fault the Lakers for caring more about Paul Pierce or Ray Allen.

If you're a Celtics fan, you're really loving any road game in which KG and Pierce both stink and you're still in it. In the Free Throw Watch, it's Lakers 12 for 22, and the Celtics 5 for 7. When will the Association do something about the incredible disparity of home and road officiating? (Oh, and in a related note, Tim Donaghy just confirmed everything that every NBA cynic has ever thought about the league, though taking that scum's word on anything is a bit of a reach.)

Oh, and a nice pre-halftime interview from Kobe for poor Michelle Tafoya. At what point do the networks cry uncle and stop having their employees humiliated by this nonsense?

Epic Drop: Top 10 Sports Consequences of Global Warming

Today's's link is written for one specific reader in mind, the frequent commenter CMJDad. He's an ex co-worker, good friend, member of my core poker group, and an absolute, stone-cold global warming doubter. We talk politics at times, but only to see if we can raise each other's blood pressure. And if I know him at all, he'll be honored to have inspired a post (well, him and the current ball sweat-riffic heat wave), and show that appreciation by telling me to do something anatomically impossible. Enjoy, sir!

Sunday in the park with Joba

Today, for the single good reason of letting the Shooter Eldest say she's been to the old Yankee Stadium, I took her to their game against Kansas City. Here are some notes.

> Joba Chamberlain was better today than in his first start, but still not all that good; Kansas City at home is a team that you should not be comfortable giving up much of anything to, really. For a guy with great stuff, he really does seem like someone you can bleed pitches from, just from spoiling the fastball with foul balls. He also doesn't look comfortable with anything but heat and the slider; maybe he'll go to the third and fourth pitchers if he's ever working with a lead, or just a more traditional pitch court. But if Jorge Posada doesn't fail to squeeze a high fastball, he might have made it to five innings and gotten a win today. (The Jose Guillen homer he gave up was a very big no doubt job, though.)

> The Royals had two players today that did much of anything: Joey Gathright, who made three fantastic catches that kept the game close. He didn't get on base, but he was unreal. The second was Guillen, who might be the only Royals offensive player that didn't look afraid or just plain melty today. Yes, it was, um, freaking hot.

> The game turned on a classic, old-time Jason Giambi at-bat in the bottom of the sixth, as he worked a fading Zach Greinke into a long battle, then took him out to right. Back in his glory days at Oakland, he did this more or less routinely, and if he's back for one last run as a plus offensive player (with a cheesy porn stache to boot), the Yanks have much more interesting offense.

> Your hidden hero so far in the Chamberlain Transition has been Dan Giese, a Scranton pitcher who has acted as the designated Joba long man. He got eight outs today with no baserunners and three punchouts, and in a more just world, would earn himself a look after the next starter flames out. (He's not really very good, but neither is Darrell Rasner.) In both Joba starts, Giese has been effective and prevented the Yankees from having to run a parade out there.

> For the Yanks, Bobby Abreu had the first inning home, Giambi the go-ahead shot, and A-Rod the two-run double that gave them a comfort margin. If Gathright hadn't taken away three hits with exceptional plays, it wouldn't have been close. This just in... the Royals aren't very good.

> For people who care about such things, with a 3-run lead in the top of the eighth and six outs away from a series win, Joe Girardi went to... no, not Kyle Farnsworth, but the actually effective Jose Veras. No idea if that's a permanent change, or just something to do after a slugfest on Saturday, but if it's my club, I make that move. Maybe a month ago. You know what you've got with Farnsworth, and it's not good.

> A final note, for one of my favorite stadiums (and I've been to, gulp, 17 different parks over the years, many of which are no longer in existence)... until today, I never really got why anyone in their right mind would want a new yard. I've been to a half-dozen plus games there over the years, and just love the place, even though I'm really not a Yankee fan and its mind-bogglingly expensive. (My seats today were similar to what my old seats in Oakland were like, but only at a 600% cost premium.)

When you were there, you know it's for baseball, the sight lines are good, the fan base is highly entertaining, and the Bronx just doesn't seem as scary as it used to. It's no fun to drive there, but that's true of all of New York, really. So why do you need a new yard, other than to try to get more money out of a fan base that's already paying an absurd amount of jack for games?

Well, all of that is true... and then there's bringing your eight-year-old kid to the game. She's a great kid, but she appreciates having a little run-around time in a Kids Club; that doesn't exist in Yankee Stadium.

Having her with me makes me all too aware in the bathroom gender inequity issues. The hardcore security situation (and no lockers for bags) creates a dumb situation where a local bowling alley makes money, for no good reason. (And no, doing without any of her stuff in the 5 hours of round-trip train rides that I endured today isn't very possible, either.) The concourses are choked and narrow, and that is especially true when they bring in additional vendors to add options, or have to move supplies around. And when it's in the high 90s without any place to go to get a respite, that's pretty nasty, too.

The new yard might or might not address any of these issues; Yankee Fan has certainly learned to live without such features in the past 80 years. But on the off chance that anyone in MLB still cares about the next generation, they might want to think about such things. My kid had a nice enough time, but that's mostly because she's the proud owner of a foam #1 finger, rather than from anything that happened inside the building. And for what I spent today, her first trip to the Stadium is also going to her last...

Epic Drop: Top 12 Reasons Why The Celtics Shot 28 More Free Throws Than The Lakers In Game Two

Your list is here, and if you think this is just another cheap excuse to make a Colorado joke at Kobe's expense... well, you know me, reader. You know me. (But hey, no Tim Donaghy joke! See, there is actual new content from time to time, honest!)

Lakers-Celtics Game Two, Fourth Quarter: Don't Believe the Comeback

> Farmer three after a miss, and it's still Lake Show Bench. Leon Powe goes to the rack and scores, and it's just ole time, with Luke Walton as the matador. Kobe's back and feeds Turiaf for a slam.

> Another signature play; Rondo lobs it to the rim at the clock buzzer, and the miss is an o-board. Bryant finds Turiaf, and even in the crap game, the Celtics are weak on pick and roll. Farmer hits another 3, and maybe he'll have some use at home. Powe gets another call, and here's how good this game is going for the Celtics: KG is hitting fourth quarter jumpers. Powe has 18 in 12 minutes. Sheesh.

> The Lakers part like the Red Sea for Powe to make it 20. Kobe doesn't drive and misses. The Lakers have a big rule tonight: no layups that aren't rim-rattling dunks. KG hits. Bryant responds with Yet Another Jumper. Powe to the line. If there is a Laker with any good feeling about his defensive effort tonight, they're deluded. It's 23 and Utter Garbage; if the Lakers had any kind of sac, there would be a flagrant around now, but I can't imagine it will happen. They Just Don't Care.

> Powe finally misses, but Gasol throws the worst alley oop to Bryant seen outside of an All-Star Game. A Pierce travel is accompanied by laughter; that's how meaningless these minutes are. Radmanovic 3. Mike Breen actually says, "Kobe Bryant has not given up on this game yet." Um, I'm not sure he even gave in on this game; that would involve risking contact, or guarding Paul Pierce.

> Fisher makes both to cut it to 16 with 5:56 left. Whoop De Damn Do. The Celtics run clock, then Pierce gets to the line. You see, Kobe, when you go to the line and look like you aren't afraid of wetting yourself, good things *can* happen. Pierce makes one, and I'm not sure why starters are in right now. Radmanovic misses, but Gasol gets the board and Vujacic hits for 3. A KG miss, but a terrible lack of rebounding, and Allen waltzes in for a bucket. Fisher hits a 3, and it's 13 at 4:24. Can the Lakers make a face-saving run? KG misses. Radmanovic misses, but Gasol doesn't get off the ground, and it's a Celtics board; a make there would have kept it possible, but far from likely. It's 13 with 3:48 left.

> A Posey 3 should end any doubt. Kobe doesn't get the call, but Gasol cleans it. A Kobe 3 makes it 11 at 2:50. It Won't Matter -- at least not for this game. Rondo gets to the line before the TV timeout, and misses the front. A chance? Bryant to the rim, scores, makes it 9, the closest they've been in the second half, but they can't stop Pierce, who now has 26. Bryant answers, but no call, and they're running out of time to trade hoops.

> Fisher steals from Pierce, and Vujacic backs out to an open 3 and hits... and it's 6 with 90 seconds let. Wow? Then, Radmanovic steals and slams, and it's 4 with 63 seconds left. Holy moley. It's a 29-9 run, and I still don't believe, but wow. Better than garbage time, at the very least.

> 1:03 left. Lakers need a stop. Rondo misses. Bryant gets a cheap, dumb foul from Pierce, and will go to the line with 38 seconds left. If he hits both, this is very, very possible. He gets the roll on the first. It's 3 with 38.4 left. He gets the second. Allen almost turn. Pierce with Kobe on him, gets beyond Kobe, and a call on an ugly drive with 22.8 left. He hits the first, and it's 3 with 22.8 left. He hits the second, and Jackson takes a timeout.

> What this run signifies, really, is just how dependent the Celtics are on emotion for defense; when they don't care, they don't defend. KG cursing on the bench. Kobe now has 30. Do the Lakers shoot a 3 right away, or take the drive for two? Neither, and on the most important possession of the game, Bryant never gets the ball back, and Vujacic is blocked on the 3 attempt. That, finally is your ballgame, as Posey hits the free throws. The final possession for the Lakers runs too much clock, Fisher misses, and that's it... Boston 106, Lakers 102.

Despite the final score and lead evaporation from 24 to 2, I'm not sure how much the comeback matters; when the Celtics needed a stop, they always got it, and the Lakers just don't seem to be able to D up, even against a team that has real issues offensively. While I suspect the Lakers will get Game 3, I'm not seeing them coming back to Boston with a 3-2 lead... and there's no way they are winning this series in a seventh game, considering that they've shown none of that closing ability that the world thought they had over the Celtics in the pre-series analysis. The Celtics may very well have finished this series tonight.

Final note... Phil Jackson opens his press conference by noting that Powe got more free throws than his whole team. Welcome to your meme from LakerLand for the next three days...

Lakers-Celtics Game Two, Third Quarter: This Way To Garbage Time

> Starts with Gasol not getting the roll, Perkins getting the o board, and Allen hitting. It's 14. Fisher misses a wide open 3, and so far, the Lake Show looks even worse with body language. Perkins gets to the line and hits both, and it's 16, the Celtics' largest lead. Is this going to be a game at all? Odom hits an open jumper, and for a great defensive team, the Celtics really do seem to give up a lot of open looks. It really is very erratic, their defense; there are stretches where you don't imagine how anyone scores against them, and then others where they look no better than ordinary. One suspects this is what happens when you are doing it more with emotion than coaching...

> A microcosm moment: Kobe drives (!), get to the rack, and scores... and gets called for the instant technical when he barks about not getting a call. Didn't anyone tell the refs that the MVP usually gets a call, or at the very least, the benefit of not getting the T when they question not getting the call?

> Pierce turns, and again, the Celts are keeping a team that isn't playing well around. Odom misses a jam on KG pressure, and Pierce hits a 3, making it 16 again. Maybe they really are just the better team? Perkins takes a foul on the play for no good reason, and it's his fourth, and it's telling.. Refs give a cheapie to Pierce, his third, and Radmanovic answers with a three. The Lakers are picking it up.

> Bryant hits a tough driving bank. One suspects that he's going to, at some point, just decide to make the refs look ridiculous by driving and forcing it... and he's starting to hit. Gets to the line against Allen, finally, and hits both to cut it back to 13. Rondo turns and gets his third. Bryant to Odom to Gasol for a slam, and the Lakers have a definite pulse.

> Pierce misses, but KG boards and abuses Odom; Bryant gets a roll and is now 7 of 14 from the field. Rondo misses badly. Gasol hits a flat footed free throw for two, and the guys in purple have remarkably better body language. It's 9. Bryant is animated on the bench, and the crowd seems anxious. Very interesting.

> A Pierce miss, and this is what's lacking from Kobe's game -- they have numbers, and he doesn't push. Sloppiness ensues from that, really. Radmanovic misses, and Pierce answers. One suspects that if Bryant didn't have the foul trouble, he'd be on him... but Kobe's passive again, and Radmanovic is killing them on both ends, as Pierce scores again on a back door cut. Bryant misses and gets no call, and the Celtics answer again, and the lead is 15. Bryant misses a long and bad 3, but the Lakers keep it on Odom spiking the ball on an out of bounds Brown. Walton misses, and Bryant is showing more care to the refs than the game. Allen 3 makes it 18. A Kobe turn, and Rondo to Powe makes it 20, and, in all likelihood, the 2-0 series lead.

Who said the Celtics don't have definitive runs? That was 11-4 in a heartbeat, with no Phil Jackson timeout (note that no analyst is calling him on that), with no Bryant drive to force a call, with no traps on Rondo to make it difficult on him (he's got 11 assists already)... I swear, it's like the team have changed jerseys. And coaches.

> With 1:20 left in the third, Jackson benches Bryant. Telling. Will the Lakers bench make this at all intersting? Odom picks up his fifth on a drive to the hoop, and, um, you might have put the wrong guy on the bench there, Philip. Allen misses. Gasol is the only starter, and the Lakers turn; Powe slams. Will the Celtics sweep this series? Vujacic answers, and a terribly disinterested trap doesn't do much. Rondo to Powe for another slam ends the third, and the Celtics are up 22, and I don't think they've had an easier time since the regular season. Garbage Time Awaits!

Top 10 Changes If the NBA Took Over Horse Racing

10. Oversized jockey silks become next hot outfit in all the clubs.

9. The Kentucky Derby stays on the first weekend in May, but the Preakness is moved to the Fourth of July and the Belmont is scheduled for Labor Day weekend.

8. Big Brown fans appreciate that his fade at the end of the race improved his trainer and jockey's odds in next year's draft lottery.

7. Trainers encouraged to enter two-year-olds in the Derby.

6. New VitaminWater commercial shows Kent Desormeaux dribbling his way through defenders' legs to get to the basket.

5. A new racing circuit is established for fillies--but no one bets on it.

4. Tim Donaghy re-hired, promoted to Director of Operations.

3. Horrified by the thought of a sporting event being resolved in two minutes of uninterrupted action, the NBA adds two TV timeouts to each race. One is in the second turn and the other comes just before the home stretch.

2. The NBPA expresses "significant interest" in adapting the retirement plan available to top racehorces, while maintaining "grave reservations" about the strict requirements for documenting paternity.

1. Triple Crown records now list 1977 winner as "Oklahoma City Slew".

Lakers-Celtics Game Two: If You Break Paul Pierce's Other Knee, Maybe He'll Never Miss

I came in a bit late for the first half, but I think I'm getting the gist... the Lakers play badly, Bryant still refusing to take contact and drive the paint, but the Celtics aren't getting real separation. The Lake Show is showing a bit of grit on the boards, and Paul Gasol hit his first six shots from the floor, with a lot of good motion in the paint. But the team with the best player ususally wins games in the Finals, and so far, that's Paul Pierce. In a walk. MVP Kobe? My ass.

Boston also got a big lift from yet another random guy (this time, Leon Powe, with 8 points on nine free throw attempts, or nine times the number that Bryant had). The Lake starting backcourt is killing them, and that was expected to be where they would have an advantage. Now, Rajon Rondo has been a near total home court player in the playoffs, so maybe the series will go long... but right now, the Celtics have all the answers, and are getting all the calls (19 to 2 on free throw attempts?). At the half, it's Boston 54, Lakers 42.

Something in the water?

Lost in the hoop-la (get it? hoop? I kill me) of Paul Pierce's explosion on Thursday was the latest in a long line of Red Sox vs. Rays brawls, this one noteworthy for some first class douchebaggery from the Bosox's Coco Crisp.

The Sox OF, however, disappointed me with jerk behavior that showed forethought, but not enough to deliver us some real, actual, quality violence. Your far too obsessive video clip follows.



Now, the following quick points from this, before MLB lays down the wood with suspensions...

1) Crisp shows real innovation with the look-off move on the catcher, but he needs to extend that and go halfway down the line, then make the hard left turn. If the goal is to deceive the opponent and get a clean attack on the pitcher, go all the way.

2) If Shields had connected, I suspect he might have wound up on the DL. He had some velocity going on there.

3) In terms of relative worth to their teams, this is right up there with sending your hockey thug against someone on the opponent's top line. Shields is the Rays' #2 starter and a quality young arm; Crisp defends well but isn't much with the stick. Sox Fan, of course, will pule that Crisp is more valuable than that, especially with Ellsbury and Ortiz on the shelf, but, um, he's not. There are guys in the minor leagues that are better than Crisp.

4) What the hell is it between the Rays and Sox, you might ask? Well, it's simple... the Rays may not be all that good (this year being the exception), but they are unique in the division at not taking Boston's crap. The Sox have been plunking Yankees with abandon for years now, and the Orioles and Jays haven't, for the most part, cared enough for hardcore retaliation. The Rays, for whatever reason, have always been interested in throwing down with Boston, but not so much with anyone else in the division. It really is a Boston thing.

5) Crisp then upped the ante in postgame by talking about how the Rays were girls for the post-pile beat down, which probably earned him a few extra games in the inevitable suspension. He also, oddly, gave credit to Shields for not throwing at his head... which makes you wonder why he charged the mound, then. (What prompted this slapfight? Well, Crisp was blocked on a slide play to second, then came back later in the same game with a highly questionable rolling block takeout slide. So the HBP was kind of expected.)

6) Special kudos to Johnny Gomes, the Rays DH, who managed to pull off a Kung Fu Panda assbath on Crisp in the pile. You're a voiceover away from having a nice payday out of that, Johnny.

Needless to say, I think Crisp's a tool, and you'd have to be a hard core Sawx partisan to not see it that way. But I do wonder, being an innovative mind in regards to these things, why it's always left to the pitcher to retaliate. Couldn't the catcher do something like this...



or, if and when he gets on base, just throw to first routinely, and have the first baseman apply hard tags... or have the second baseman or short stop just throw at him on a relay to first... etc., etc.

The point is this: in MLB, everyone thinks that retaliation begins and ends with the pitcher, and I think it's bull. Just because the pitcher's the only guy with the ball here, doesn't mean that everybody else gets to sleep. Besides, you could always just have some folks go out en masse between innings. (And there's still four more weeks until NFL training camps open, and 8 until bad pre-season games...)

Epic Drop: Top 10 Reasons Why Will Leitch Is Leaving Deadspin

Kind of an inside baseball link for sports bloggers here, but what the hey, Will's been a good guy, so he deserves it. Besides, in a publishing community that numbers in the thousands and a readership that isn't always an immense multiplier of that, it's good to recognize people for their good work.

We now return you to what the site is really all about, which has nothing to do with recognition of good work.

Lakers at Celtics: Game One, Second Half, As Paul Pierce Becomes Legend

Pierce opens with a make, then gets Radmaovic in the air and banks in a three. Huge. With the free throw, it's a 1-point Celtics win and a live crowd. Kobe just answers with a hand in his face from 22. Pierce responds, and it's Cavs Game Seven all of a sudden...

> Radmanovic hits a three, then gets his fourth called on him. He can't guard Pierce at all, and it's tied until Garnett makes again, for his 20th point. Kobe just responds, easily... and suddenly, Bryant's on Pierce defensively, though he picks up a foul in doing it. Kobe then forces a turnover on Pierce, because he's also their best defensive player. Jeff van Gundy then lobbies for Shane Battier, like anyone gives a damn about Shane Battier...

> Laker length then forces a turnover, and Bryant feeds Gasol for another easy one. Odom makes a plastic man board, and man, they're freaky long and athletic. I don't envy any big man going against the Lake Show. Bryant makes another, and Pierce is down and in a lot of pain, after Perkins bangs into him. If Pierce isn't right, and soon, this is looking like a very short series... He leaves on a wheelchair. Yikes. Posey in for Pierce, and the crowd's a lot quieter now.

> Garnett misses, and Bryant goes for kill shot, but it rims out. If the Lakers can get a run here, this isn't going to be a game. Pierce said to be putting weight on his legs, maybe he's going for the Willis Reed move. Big thugging on a missed free throw, with Perkins picking up his fourth. Perk is now limping, and that's wise, because otherwise, everyone would just hate him... He goes to the locker room, too.

> An Allen 3 ties the game and makes it one again. Odom then gets a blocking foul on Brown. Celtics Fan is howling, and ABC doesn't show a replay. Hmm. Odom then misses the first, which means he must have committed the foul, and the second as well. Pierce then returns, and the crowd is huge, of course. Pierce returns to the game, and it's a sprained knee, with a brace. ABC couldn't ask for more drama.

> 10-2 run for the Celtics in and around the injury. Perkins has an ankle sprain, and seems fine. Vujacic gets fouled shooting a three, then makes them all, and it's a one point game despite all the histrionics. A Fisher loose ball and lob to Bryant, and it's a Lake lead again. It's a Game One that really feels like a Game Five to me...

> Bryant, clock dying, makes one of those shots that only he and maybe LeBron James can make. When there is no time on the clock, I'm not sure there's a better player in the game, just because he has such control of his body in the air. Pierce then makes a 3 out of transition, still not looking whole, but it's a fresh Celtics lead... and then he hits another one, and it's four. Big time stuff here from Pierce, like that's not completely obvious. Pierce has 15 in the third, after three in the first half. Kobe makes both, and it's amazing how with everything these teams are throwing at each other, there hasn't been any serious separation at any point.

> Bryant forces and misses a three, and the Celtics hold for the last of the third. Rondo finds Posey, who misses, and Radmanovic hits from 75 feet after the buzzer. Hoo boy. It's 77-73 Celtics after three, and everything that anyone could have asked for.

> Fourth quarter starts with Celtic bench. This is trouble. Kobe scores easily, but Allen answers, and he's the only starter on the floor for the home team. Walton misses and picks up a foul. Powe gets to the line and extends the lead. Kobe airballs, his second straight bad miss, but Odom scores on the airball pass. Cassell misses horribly, then Turiaf gets to the line, again after bad Celtics defense on pick and roll. When they can do this with Farmer and Turiaf, it's endemic. Turiaf misses the first and makes the second, and the Rivers gambit of scrubs has paid off so far.

> Cassell scores after scrambling, with a huge KG play to save. Kobe turns, but a 5 point lead doesn't grow as Cassell misses. Another Laker turn -- their seventh, but coming in bunches now, and a Posey three gives the Celtics an 8 point lead, their largest of the night. If the Celtics win this game, the Garnett save is the signature play.

> Fisher turn after the turn, and another bad shot by Cassell. The Lakers get a break on a board, but Turiaf misses, and so goes KG. Kobe sitting right now, which is kind of interesting in the extreme. Fisher with a make cuts it to six. Cassell makes another terrible play by passing as the clock goes off. If I were a Celtics fan, I'd be offended that he's on the roster, let alone the floor. Vujacic makes, and it's 4. KG misses. A big Gasol O board leads to a very long possession, and Kobe will be back after the break. It's a 4 point game with a little less then six minutes left, and both coaches have gotten away with a big minutes gamble in the fourth.

> Pierce makes. Lakers miss from distance. Rondo misses, and Walton makes a terrible play to not get the board and give up the foul. Jackson subs in Odom, and he'd take the uniform off him if he could. Just terrible. KG misses (and no, the fourth is not looking good), and Rondo takes a foul on Fisher for no purpose. Kobe drives, misses, no call. Allen turns. Vujacic a bad fade miss, and Odom gets his fifth for no reason. Lakers are playing with a surprising lack of poise in the fourth, after being right there for three quarters. After two Pierce makes, it's an 8 point lead with 3:43 left, and if the Celtics lose this game now, it's a choke.

> Bryant forces, Pierce with excellent defense, and the Celtics can make it 10, but KG misses again. Odom then scores and gets the foul on Brown, which is huge, in that it would have been his sixth. With 2:57 left, it's still a game. Odom makes after the timeout, and it's 5.

> Allen draws on Vujacic late in the clock, and misses the first, which is an event, as he shoots 93% from the floor normally. Makes the second, and it's 6. Bryant has just 2 in the fourth, makes a turn, then gives up the jumper to Vujacic. When did he change brains with KG? A Celtics turn, and Bryant feeds Gasol rather than shoot. He gets to the line, then misses the first, which you just can't have when you are down six with two minutes left. Makes the second, and it's still 5.

> Fisher bumps Rondo; hack a guard? Rondo is 6 of 8 from the line tonight, and he makes the first and misses the second, but it works out, as the Celts get the team board. This is almost over. A Posey 3 misses, but Garnett follows and slams, and that's the effective end of this game. Gasol got posterized there.

> Kobe gets to the line and makes both, just the sixth and seventh throws tonight in a physical game. KG looks eager for the ball now; it's amazing what a comfortable lead late does for him. He gets to the line with 61 seconds left, and makes both. It's 96-88 with a minute left, the Celtics biggest lead of the night, and it might as well be 30, the way Bryant has played the fourth.

> Bryant misses a straight 3 after the timeout, as the analysts miss that he's been horrible tonight in the fourth quarter. The Lakers don't really foul, sensing what I'm sensing -- that it's just not their night -- and Allen makes two at 16.6 to end any doubt, not that I've had any for a while.

Well, the Celtics have taken Game One, and ever since Pierce did his Willis Reed imitation, the Lakers have looked like they were ready to head back to the hotel. Game 2 is Sunday, and the Lakers will get to answer lots of questions as to why they went 5 for 20 in the fourth. That, more than anything is your story tonight -- and whether that's Celtics defense or Lakers offense depends on the color of your laundry. Should be interesting.

Twelve Steps To Adam The Anonymous

As an Eagles fan, it's hard for me to write this piece, but dammit, a professional career is at stake here, people. We can't just leave that up to the PR machinations of an "elite" franchise and constant Off-Season Super Bowl Contender that hasn't won a playoff game in this century.

So here, on the off chance that there's someone with literacy in the Troubled Cornerback's (TM) camp that sees this, is a simple but tested plan to get Mr. Adam "Pac-Man" Jones back on the field, on commercials, and into the hearts of everyone but sports bloggers and Cowboy haters.

You know, that 2% of the country that buys that "America's Team" crap.

Step One -- Arrange A Move To A Team With Pull

Congratulations, Mr. Jones, on already achieving this one. Your move to the Cowboys, and away from the Titans, is going to pay big dividends now and in the future. Why? Because personal transformations are always better achieved with organizations that have higher national profiles. Just ask Nate Newton, Hollywood Henderson, Ryan Leaf and many other noteworthy Wearers of the Star. Later on, you'll be able to imply that all of your personal demons were caused by the Titan organization, but save that for later.

Step Two -- Accept Jebus

Sure, your prison friends (I'm assuming you have some) might have spoken to you about the wonders of Allah, Avenging Jesus, or Hippie Jesus, but you're waging a PR battle here. You need something safe, with no possibility of a Reverend Wright-esque blowback.

The simple test is that if the man (and yes, it has to be a man) in the pulpit has anything interesting to say, you're in the wrong place. Just be sure to be filmed attending the services and looking at the ground as he talks up into your ear, and you should be good to go. If you can get on film while fake-singing to the hymns, that's even better, but beware... falling asleep during the service might be good enough for most of the parishioners, but the paparazzi are holding you to a higher standard.

This is a very important step, because in the history of American sports, no one has ever pulled off a public transformation by relying on Fringe Jesus, Secular Humanism, Buddhism, Hinduism. the Kaballah or anything else that isn't part of the American mainstream. (Yes, Muhammad Ali converted to Islam and became beloved, but that was mostly because his brains got slowly turned to pudding. eliminating any threat of controversial speech. Besides, that was Pre 9/11.)

Step Three - Rehab Mountain

As any number of female celebs that you could probably snap like a twig prove, there's never any harm in taking in a luxury spa weekend that doubles as a "rehabilitation center." The trick here is to look like you aren't enjoying it, and to talk about it later as if you've just volunteered for Marine Corps Boot Camp (even though you'll probably spent the weekend getting fellated by a rebounding nymph). Just remember the words of the late great Warren Zevon:

It's tough to be somebody
It's hard to keep from falling apart
Here on Rehab Mountain
We all learn these things by heart

The key point to this is to only go once. Repeat visits make a mockery of your Personal Transformation. And we can't be having that.

Step Four - Body Makeover

No gold in the teeth. No tattoos on the body. No clothing that shows an iota of individuality or menace. If you'd like to indulge in something with a little flair, perhaps an old-school fedora, or maybe a single suit jacket with slightly wide lapels, perhaps in a color that isn't black.

Now you are kicking it (Very) Old School! If you can top it off with some plaid shorts that you can pull up to the armpits, and a snarl or two about kids showing their underwear tops, we're totally in business.

Step Five -- Embrace Your Birth Name

"Pac Man", it's time to speak of Adam. You remember Adam, right? That was the name that someone put on a birth certificate, before time and life and people who aren't living a bloated suburban existence mattered in your life. Your nickname, despite the fact that it will always remind most people of an innocent if incessant waka-waka-waka video game soundtrack, isn't helping. Many people, I'm sure, think it has to refer to something gang or drug related.

Now, Adam Jones? That's a lovely name. Biblical. Strong. Anonymous. Damn near impossible to misspell. Heck, it even works for Mormons and the Amish. Embrace it, and in your own mind, tell yourself that it means your medieval and badass, and that women don't mean nothing to you, since they took you out of Paradise after stealing your bone. Just don't say that last part out loud.

Step Six -- Fake Some Humility

When you get to training camp, insist on a high number. When you speak to the media, talk about how you'd just be happy to make the team, such is the talent on this roster. Play on special teams in the third and fourth quarter of preseason games, and not just as a punt returner. Volunteer, If Coach Wants You To, for slot receiver duty. You're just here to help the team!

Also, avoid any kind of celebration, save for a brief but ostentatious display of your non-threatening religion. (And don't worry, you won't have to do any of this once the real games start, including the celebration embargo.)

Step Seven -- Debauch In Private

Your past problem, Adam, is that you dared to enjoy your wealth and fame in public. That's just not how it's done. Look at Jerry Jones, your new owner, and his freakishly stretched, plastic surgery enhanced face. Do you think he does that for his own benefit? Absolutely not. He's staying in fighting trim for those legions -- yes, legions -- of pre-pubescent Third World boys that perform remarkably degrading acts at his private mansion. We're talking stuff that would make a television preacher blanche, but do you see him getting suspended from the league for it? No sir. Because it's all kept private.

Adam, no one is expecting you to actually lead a virtuous life -- if they were, you wouldn't be in the NFL, let alone on the Cowboys. But with great money comes great expectations. Find a way to keep your atrocities private, and by all means, stay out of any strip club that lets in people who don't make millions. It'll pay off in the end. (Many, many, many ends.)

Step Eight -- Participate In Your Own Mockery

Once you've completed the first four steps, it's time to show the world that you can laugh at yourself, and that you know you were a knucklehead, too. Have your people call The World Wide Lemur and see if you can have Kenny Mayne come over and goof off with you. I bet he's got any number of umbrella related gags -- where does he get his ideas! -- that he'd like to work out with you.

Next, go on whatever damn sports show that Fox is currently spewing out, and fake laugh your way through whatever anyone on the panel says about you. The gold standard would be an appearance on a Fox animated show, but be careful -- you don't want to get edgy. When the Daily Show or Colbert Report people call you (pre-book), defer.

Remember, do not try to be funny yourself. Just let other people make gentle and stale jokes at your expense. (If your feelings get hurt, have them hurt later, off camera.)

Step Nine -- Retire From Other Interests

Wrestling and rapping might seem like a fun way for you to keep busy and make money, but you've got your whole life to not make money from these things the second that you're no longer a viable football player. For the next five to ten years of the prime of your life, before physical debilitation kicks in, you need to be a football playing robot, just like the hundreds of other players in the league, and the thousands dreaming of a bigger payday after college. There, now doesn't that make life so much simpler?

Step Ten -- Complete Any Education

Sure, you make more money than 99.9% of the audience that is watching you, and the only useful education you might want to pursue now is criminal justice or the law, so that you know what your managers and attorneys are telling you. But that's not going to really help you win the PR game. Instead, pursue some esoteric but heartwarming hobby -- like, say, carpentry, or even better yet, cooking. They'll love you on "The View" when you can not only apologize for your past whore life, but also whip up a mean souffle. Yum!

Step Eleven -- Have A Book Written For You

After you have a season of whitewash (and I do mean white wash) under your belt, it's time to Tell Your Story. Hire a respected ghost writer, come up with a catchy one-liner for the title (I suggest "Rein O'er Me: The Adam Jones Story") and make sure that all of your super-juicy hookers, blow, strippers and more blow shenanigans are told with a stern "I'm so sorry that I was doing what damn near every man my age dreams of doing" overtone.

Remember, sex (and drugs, and crime) sells. But you have to really, really, really mean it when you say that it was all very, very wrong.

Step Twelve -- Complain About Someone Younger Than You

Now that you've achieved Redemption Status, there's no better way to complete the transformation by dumping all over someone younger than you, who has also found himself on the wrong side of the law or commissioner. Start down the path of "I don't want him to go through what I did," but then go right into the hardcore judgmental fun that we've all had at your expense. You'll learn that it's not only righteous to pass judgement on other people's lives, it's also a lot of fun!

Lakers v. Celtics, First Half Notes

> Early, both teams were rusty and the ball was ugly. Shocking, what with only three months between games!

> Garnett, as is his wont, was big early, with 8 of the Celtics fst 14, and 16 in the first 18 minutes. If he played in the fourth the way he does in the rest of the game, this wouldn't be his first Finals. Rest of the team is shooting 9 for 21. The Lakers are more balanced, with Kobe struggling (3 for 9). If I were a Celtics fan, I'd want to be up by more than 5 after the first 18 minutes, since both of these trends are unlikely to continue.

> Cassel draws a foul on Kobe, then misses a 3. He's out of his mind! Kobe draws one on Allen on the next trip, makes. Celts by 3, then Pierce picks up his third on a Fisher flop. Good play by Fisher; Pierce leaves, and Kobe feeds Gasol for a dunk. Pierce is a big loss on defense tonight. Fisher gives the Lakers a 41-40 lead after a 6-0 run.

> Lakers keep owning the Celts on pick and roll. That's a big worry; the Lakers are scoring on easier looks. After Odom penetration and finish, the Lakers stretch it to 3. They are shooting 51% from the floor with just four turnovers, and doing exactly what you need to do to win a road game.

> Bryant turns away an open 3 to feed Gasol, rolling to the rim uncontested, yet again. Gasol hits both after the lay up prevention foul, and it's a 5-point Lake lead. The Celts are having a real problem, and then Rondo makes an awful turn, but Kobe can't make on the other end, and Rondo gets a make coming back.

So it could have been 7, but was 3 -- those are the moments that decide tone. And this tone, so far, is to a game that won't go beyond 10 points in either direction.

> The last shots are a missed rainbow by Radmanovic, and a heave from Allen. For a half where Bryant is only 3 for 10, on the road, to be up by five... well, the Celtics aren't playing the Hawks, Cavs or Pistons here. More later.

Just in time for summer

You are looking at the latest in German innovations, the first looping water slide, which is achieved via trap door. The tube is yellow for a reason, I think.

So much for karma

This site doesn't say much about hockey, of course, but it should be noted... the Red Wings had their Stanley Cup merchandise released before clinching, which is one of the great karmic no-nos. They also clinched tonight.

So, keep it in mind the next time this happens, because you know that it will...

Epic Drop: Top 10 Air-Tight, Dead Solid Certain Predictions for the NBA Finals

Here's your link, and am I highly concerned that my Lakers in Five choice is going to be completely blindsided by questionable referees? (Yes, yes, a million times yes. But picking the Lakers to clinch in Boston is more of a stretch than I am ready to make.)

Epic Drop: Top 10 Disappointments from Joba Chamberlain's First Start

Here's the link, and good grief... it's like there's never been a 22-year-old pitcher with good stuff before. I get that the rules (Joba or otherwise) are different in New York, but we've got 120 years of history with this game here, folks. Young pitchers struggle. It's what they do. They get nicked from guys bleeding out walks and fouling off pitches and they don't, for the most part, come out and justify starting ovations and World Wide Lemur hysteria and blogger meltdowns.

Do I think the Yankees are doing the right thing in getting him to transition this way? I have no idea. They're paying a lot of money right now to not win games, and he's a better idea than Kei Igawa or whatever else is behind Scranton Door Number Six. On the other hand, the specter of Mark Prior and a million other good young SPs that didn't get to become good old SPs lurks. It's amazing that, given the money involved, MLB still really doesn't know how to handle young arms, and that it's little better than a medieval dunking test to determine witchcraft.

Anyway, coming back from the esoterica... assuming he doesn't get hurt, he'll be fine. In a year to three years, he'll be more than that. And the world will little note, nor long remember, that his first start didn't last long. Sadly, the world will also little remember any of this the next time some hotshot rook takes the bump in an MLB+ town...

Taking The Eighth, Or How To Be A .500 Team On The Cheap

Last night, as I was teaching the Shooter Eldest the rudiments of poker (important, in that you don't need a college degree to deal cards for a living), I've got the Yankees at Twins game on. The game is tied in the 8th. With one out and no one on, Jeter hits a ball off the baggie in right. Playing it perfectly, right fielder Michael Cuddyer takes the ball off the wall on the bounce, then throws a strike to second and gets the out in a bang-bang play. You can say he had home field advantage, or you can say he's a young player coming into his own; both are reasonably correct. Bobby Abreu then works a long count but bounces out on 3-2 to second, and the Twins have a 1-2-3 inning against the top of the Yankee lineup, just when they needed it.

In the bottom of the inning, the Yankees call on... nope, not Joba Chamberlain, because he's bound for rotational glory. No, instead they are reduced (and that's the last word any Yankee fan wants to use, in connection with this guy) to the magic that is Kyle Farnsworth. His hard straight stuff starts off with Cuddyer, who opens the inning by nailing a ball to the baggie in right, just about where Jeter's ball was. Abreu misjudges the bounce, Cuddyer stops at second, and several runs later, the Twins have split the series.

Now, is it particularly fair to determine the difference between this Yankee team and previous as the presence of the slow disappointment that is Abreu, or the contract failure that keeps on giving that is Farnsworth? Not particularly, since there were plenty of other reasons for the team to lose this game. But I do know this: when you can't get outs in the eighth inning, you are not only far from a playoff threat, you're also a long way from a team that can put together simple season winning streaks.

Name me a successful team, in this era of baseball, that got away with real shakiness from the set-up men. (I couldn't think of any, which isn't to say that there are now. Maybe the Phillies, not that I'd hold them up as a huge success.)

Now, take a look at the surprising, above .500 record of my Oakland Athletics... and the 80+ innings of sub 3 collective ERA from Mssrs. Devine, Casilla, Embree, Brown, and Foulke -- and all of those guys, combined, cost less than Farnsworth, naturally.

The A's are four games over .500 with guys that you can't name playing in the field. The Yanks are one game under with household names, one of whom (A-Rod, naturally) will make more this year than all of the A's combined.

Good, pre-arbitration kids giving you good middle relief innings. Defense from young legs and arms. Home field advantages that don't arbitrarily reward offense or defense, but do reward experience at playing in the venue. It's the cheap way to win ballgames. And as long as MLB+ teams insist on paying for guys on the downside of their career, particularly in the As Far As We Know Post-Roid Era, it'll stay that way.

The Finals Pick

This morning, a computer honk site claimed to run a simulation of the Finals 10,000 times, and got the Celtics winning 64% of the time, most often in six.

Show that article to any Celtics fan you know. Then, try to get them to bet with you.

The Lakers have a coach that's won nine championships, and is 48-0 when his team wins Game 1 in a series, with an absurdly effective feel for gaming the refs. The Celtics have a coach that manages his bench by "feel," that lost 17 games in a row last year, and a 1-8 road record in this year's playoffs, including getting taken to the limit by a sub-.500 team (Atlanta) and a team that's one player away from the lottery (Cleveland).

The Lakers have an MVP-level performer with three rings who excels in the fourth quarter, taking and making back-breaking shots in all varieties. The Celtics have an MVP-level performer that would rather pass to a journeyman, who has never played in the Finals before.

The Lakers have a vastly superior bench, with well-defined roles, good hustle players among the big men, and clear scorers for every situation. The Celtics have a rotation that has been blown up after the addition of two journeymen, with a coach that rarely manages the game the same way twice, and star players that, consequently, never know when their rest will come, and can't manage their resources adequately.

The Lakers have nearly all of the players in their starting rotation and bench playing well right now, with a veteran point guard that makes big shots in big games and doesn't turn the ball over under pressure. The Celtics have seen their star shooting guard perform as a sub-replacement level player before turning it around in the last few games, and a point guard that's shaky at the line, from the field, and when he's pressured.

While the Celtics have home court, the Lakers have a crowd that expects to win. The Celtics crowd has been on the ledge writing suicide notes since Joe Johnson tore them apart in Atlanta a month ago.

The Lakers will split in Boston, then win out in LA on the annoying 2-3-2 Finals schedule. I rarely, if ever, feel this confident before a series starts.

This wasn't my choice at the start of the playoffs. Then, I expected the Celtics to take the John McCain Easy Road, and catch a Western team that had been beaten down by a harder road.

Instead, the Lakers had absolutely no problem with the Nuggets, while the Celtics went 7. In the second round, the Lakers had a Kobe back scare that caused the Jazz series to go a little longer than expected, while the Celtics were taken to the limit by Dominique James. In the third, the Lakers dismantled an old Spurs team that had been taken to the limit by the Suns and Hornets. The Celtics again went longer in taking care of the Pistons.

So the younger team is also the fresher team, by six games -- an entire series. The only thing that's helping the Celtics with that is the absurd amount of time between games, but six more games is six more games.

The Celtics don't have anyone at Bruce Bowen's level defensively, and he couldn't stop Kobe. Their point guards, especially Cassell and House versus Jordan Farmer, is an abscess that can't be overcome. The Laker bigs -- Gasol and Odom -- pass very well, so the Celtics bigs won't be able to help with penetration in the way they were able to against the Pistons.

Short of an injury, Tim Donaghy style action, or Kobe freezing out his teammates and trying to do everything himself for the entire series, I'm not sure how the Celtics win this. They can't ride Pierce, since Bryant would guard him and get the calls. Garnett isn't up to it. Maybe Allen steals them a game they shouldn't have, but then the Rivers/Jackson problem kicks in.

Oh, and there's also this... the team from the West usually wins, because it's a better conference.

Bet. The. Farm. Lake Show in five.

Epic Drop: Top 11 Reasons Why The NBA Needed Six Days Off Before The Finals

Your list is here, and every year, the NBA seems to drag this out a little more... and that goes for the games, too.

This is a whole 'nother post in itself, but has anyone else noticed how the Lords of Sport seem to just have bloat in all live games? Baseball takes 3.5+ hours now. The Celtics' games, what with the incessant fouling and flopping, are coming up on three hours. For basketball, which used to take two. Football is borderline intolerable in the stadium. It all adds up to...

A deep expectation that no one -- no one -- is paying full attention to the games.

I'm on a laptop when it's on; I write my blog posts and catch up on my day job. I bet you're watching more SportsCenter than live games, because the live games just take forever. I can't imagine how this is working for younger folks, and I can't blame them. It's killing the golden goose slowly, from overfeeding it until it's obese and dying of heart failure.

And there is nothing -- certainly not the people at the stadiums, who pay more and more and might as well get quantity if not quality, and the folks at home who are just multi-tasking their way through the bloat -- that's going to stop it. Seriously, are you going to stop watching games because they take too long, or because there is too long of a gap between games?

Public Facts, Greek Love, and MLB Parity

I'm going to clean up some loose ends that have been rattling around in my pending post file. Which means that it's time for all of you to put up with my esoteric leanings. (Hey, I gave you an Alyssa Milano image below. If I don't cockblock you here with some London Review of Books-inspired work, I lose all cred as a wildly unpopular sports blogger.)

"Public facts" is a concept that economists and financial analysts use to determine the veracity of a market. If everyone knows something (say, for instance, the raising or lowering of an interest rate), it's a public fact. If the rate will be changed but only a portion of the market knows, that's a private fact. Markets depend on the swift dissemination of public facts, because if you don't have them, you've got a rigged game, and you won't get fresh money or investors.

Here's another point from reading too many esoteric book reviews... when you think about life among the ancient Greeks, assuming you ever think of such things, you probably think that they are relatively tolerant of gays, given that there's been any number of pieces of art that depict such things.

But when you dig into how people actually lived back there, it really wasn't that way. Sure, among military and aristocratic elites, such things were tolerated, but for the most part, the orientation was regarded the same way that it was throughout most of the ancient world -- with suspicion or derision, because, dammit, when life expectancies and infant mortality is what it was back then, you need all the spawn you can get.

So a false perception of reality is maintained due to the existence of noteworthy art: the pots have survived more than the writing, so voila, Greek Love means what it means.

Now, how does this roll back into sports, since that's what I do? It's all relevant to MLB, this year, this moment.

The public facts about steroid and HGH use among players is still far from known, and not just from the obvious aspects of 500 foot home runs and the track records of various MVPs, Cy Young winners and the whole rogues gallery of users.

We don't know, for instance, how many older players were kept in the game, or had their prime years extended, from the use of the junk. We also do not know, and will never know, how many players are now hitting a hard wall that the needle and pills might have prevented, at least for a little while longer.

But since MLB isn't a traditional market, the failure of public facts has not been a detriment to financial interest. (Compare and contrast this to, say, what's happening with home values right now. Or, better yet, don't, because if you are like me and bought in before the market went south, it'll just make you very, very sad.)

Now, to the Greeks. When you hear people talk about parity, it's almost always in disgust; it means a confederacy of mediocres, with the era being little-known, nor long-remembered. Especially in baseball, people talk about the Yankee Dynasties or the Braves always winning the NL East as being meaningful and memorable... but when you look at the attendance figures, the numbers don't back it up. People like to watch teams that are actually competitive, and more competitive teams equals more stadiums that have filled seats. The existence of the art -- be it pottery or pennant -- does not reflect the reality of what it was like to be there.

Oh, and this also makes fans of MLB+ franchises complete perverts that shouldn't be allowed to marry, and a threat to our traditional values. And that's a Public Fact.

It Was The Best Of Times, It Was The Worst Of Times

Today, my family celebrated my upcoming birthday (it's Tuesday, and I turn neatly older than every professional athlete, thanks for asking).

Because the Shooter Wife and Mom are cooler than your Wife and Mom, I'm getting the new PS3 and Grand Theft Auto 4, which means that the site will more or less cease operations in another ten days, as I get my thug on. (I keed. But seriously, guest authors welcome.)

Meanwhile in my fantasy league, my previously resurgent team started June with...

1) David Ortiz getting an MRI

2) Nick Blackburn taking a shot off the face from Bobby Abreu (both of them on my team), knocking him out a game where he was up 3-1 and 2 outs from locking down a win

3) BJ Ryan, JJ Putz and Trevor Hoffman all having save opportunities... and all getting the snot beaten out of them

4) Falling from second to third and losing three points in ratios (hard to do in a roto league with nearly 500 innings in the books)

It's a long season. And tonight, that's not really a comfort.

Epic Drop: Top 11 Reasons Why MLB May Have Achieved Parity

Your list is here, and if you think it's just a cheap excuse to go through the Internets and look at Alyssa Milano images... well, possible. I'm not made of stone here, people, and the hundreds of sad clicks that this could get the site from blocked users in repressive parts of the world will help me get that gum ball I've had my eyes on. Mmm, Alyssa Milano-flavored gum ball...