Epic Drop: MLB Season Previews That No One Else Wanted To Write

Your link is here, and it's a pretty hate machine. Go use it for some hate, because that is my gift in life to provide, really...

Epic Drop: Top 10 Lesser Known Modern MLB Local Opening Day Traditions

I can't get enough of Brett Myers. Whether it's public awfulness with the wife, spelling bees with the media, or his periodic meltdowns despite having more pure stuff of any Phillies righthander in my memory (and yes, that includes Bloggy McBloggermouth in Boston -- he was good, but mostly at throwing strikes, rather than having otherworldly nastiness)... well, the man's a walking, talking guarantee that the team won't be likable or clutch.

During his meltdown inning today, here's the better moments of an IM conversation I was having with a Phillies fan...

Me: disaster inning for Mrs Myers

(We'll call my buddy DH): yes - hide the dog

DH: put the steak in the freezer

DMt: There's a reason why we're not play by play for the Fightin's.

DH: We'd be great!

DH: Hide the dog Whitey!

DMt: "That 2-2 meatball had t-a-r-d spelled all over it. Hard to believe."

DH: "Sometimes you just can't catch a break"

DMt: "And Myers' ERA has just fallen down the steps. Clumsy bitch ERA!"

DH: You suck Brett!

DMt: "This call to the police has been brought to you by Planned Parenthood. Think, Girls, Think."

(end)

Sure that Hamels wasn't the better way to start your season, Fightin's?

A Rare Charitable Moment

If you've got a second, go here and vote yes for my favorite lefty clothing merchants (No Sweat) to get a grant to keep going.

They are a union shop, sweatshop free, and I've bought from them before, so feel free to go direct and update your wardrobe too, if you're so inclined. If you are like me, as always, you have my apologies... but you don't feel too great about clothing yourself and your family in clothes made by de facto slaves.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled celebration of the human spirit.

Improv, Protest, or Pirates Game?

You make the call...

Quick Opening Day Notes

> It's about 40 degrees, raw and drizzly here in New York. March Opening Day Baseball -- catch the fever!

> Starting today for your Cincinnati Reds... not white-hot prospects Joey Votto and Jay Bruce, but 38-year-old OBP-only Scott Hatteberg and perpetual source of disappointment Corey Patterson. Enjoy your new manager, Dusty "Death To The Young" Baker, Reds Fans!

> The Brew Crew has Jason Kendall hitting ninth against the Cubs, so that they can get the comparative power bat of Ben Sheets into the 8th slot. I'd make a Sheets Hurt comment here, but as I've drafted him in a league, that is No Longer Funny.

> The Mets throw Johan Santana vs. Dodger reject Mark Hendrickson in Florida today. I think we can call that the second time this year that a team has a home-field advantage in their road opener, after the Red Sox Go To Japan Experience...

> Really, Twins Fan, Livan Hernandez? On the bright side, I think he has more tread on the tire than Brad Radke... but you'd like Radke better here, wouldn't you?

Help me out here, college basketball lovers.

Four #1 seeds making it to the Final Four means that... this championship will be one of the best ever.

And when a big underdog makes it to the Final Four, that means... everyone is getting caught up in the big Cinderalla story.

So... how can the tournament ever be anything but super-duper wonderful?

(Oh, and is it a normal reaction to want to punch Memphis coach John Calipari in the face, just to see if his reaction to pain is as smug and annoying as his reaction to winning?)

Whenever I play GTA, I pretend I'm Isiah Rider

After all, we've got lots in common. We're both in our late 30s, both enjoy getting down with gangsta rap, both remember with fondness the early 90s NBA. But unlike Rider, I'm not living in Skid Row, jacking cars for real... and with a prior record of, gulp, kidnapping.



Let's face it, it's been all downhill for him since that shot.

Mr. Stern doesn't seem to notice customs

I'm fine with the NBA becoming more international -- hell, given the exchange rate, it's clearly where the money is -- and I'm fine with him busting a sportswriter's chops for being all provincial. But anyone that has traveled outside of the country knows that, especially post 9/11, it's not the same as going domestic. One of the start-ups that I've worked for has offices in Toronto, and I wound up taking two trips there for business. While carrying no luggage and looking as bored and unremarkable as a man can look, given that he was just having an unusually long office commute, leaving the country adds at least two hours to every trip. Now, add in large black men, carrying significant luggage, many of who are probably using, shall we say, illegal muscle relaxants?

Well, it's not mundane, it's not no additional burden, and when you add the longer time zone difference, it's not a minor deal. So stop pretending it is, and go back to the really important stuff. You know, like what clothes the players are wearing.

Because I Know You Come Here For The Bowling Videos

You know what stops this kind of thing? Putting up bumpers on the lanes. Make it a law, Congress!

Epic Drop: Top 10 Signs That You're Not Really Ready for Baseball

Double drop duty today, with your list for the folks who aren't MLB-crazy right here. And oh, nice of the Lemur to not report reality, which is that the (P)resident was booed heavily by the Natty faithful... not that they'll remember much beyond Ryan Zimmerman going yard to end it.

Anyway... for people with way too much free time, here's my roto auction team.

C - Mike Napoli, $1
C - Dioner Navarro, $1
1B - David Ortiz, $37
2B - Ian Kinsler, $13
SS - Troy Tulowitzki, $21
3B - Ryan Zimmerman, $21
CI - Troy Glaus, $3
MI - Robinson Cano, $12
OF - Vladimir Guerrero, $28
OF - Bobby Abreu, $23
OF - Shane Victorino, $16
Utility - Brad Hawpe, $9

SP - Aaron Harang, $19
SP - Ben Sheets, $5
SP - Rich Harden, $4
SP - Francisco Liriano, $3
RP - JJ Putz, $19
RP - Joba Chamberlain, $6
P - B.J. Ryan, $2
P - Rich Hill, $1
P - Jeremy Bonderman, $1

Bench - Frank Thomas, $1
Bench - Jeff Kent, $2
Bench - Justin Upton, $2

As always with these things, I like the guys I got late / cheap much more than the guys I got early, I think I'll contend, and I don't think I got enough of the specialty categories (Saves, Steals, probably Wins). But if the cheap SP power pitchers come though, I'll be camping happily, especially when it comes to the keeper league aspect of things.

Can the approval ratings get any lower?

The Lemur has decided that we need to see the current 30% approved resident of the White House on their signature broadcast, Nationals-Braves, to hang out with Miller and Morgan.

I'd tell you more about what was said here, but the self-induced pounding on my head made it hard to think about...

Other than, of course, Miller doing the mouth job by telling about how much Shrub loves MLB. Um, do the research, scumbags. Shrub loved the opportunity to make an ungodly amount of money using the team's "need" for a new stadium to make a fortune in a corrupt land grab.

Perhaps sensing the need to get away, both the Braves and Nationals made a lot of first-pitch outs to try to get this off the air quickly...

Oh, and nice move by Shrub to continue to deny that he's, well, from Connecticut... and he's not interested in buying a new team. And the first home run in the history of the stadium was hit by Larry Jones (some may know him as Chipper) off Odalis Perez, and narrated by Shrub with a delivery that called to mind the excitable tones of, say, Joe Buck on downers. (Yes, I know, he's off the drugs now, honest and for true. Yay!)

Next, they talked about exposing inner city kids to baseball, to bring it back in those areas. Hey, how about providing decent jobs for lower income people, so that parents can afford to get their kids in programs, or have the ability to not work two and three jobs, preventing them from going to see their kids games? Or, you know, provide secure places to live and... oh, I give up.

Anyway, a million laughs were had, all at the expense of the American people. Good times!

Updated... here's the video clip. Note the booing, and the mouth job that Miller gives immediately afterward to help cover up the booing...

Epic Drop: MLB Season Preview, Angels

Your link is here, and no, I'm not too thrilled with my other Carnies for not picking up more of the teams that I love to hate. Suck on it, Halos! (Note that the link isn't perfect, as the page-specific links are not coming up for me, but I'm sure you can find it easily enough.)

Why You Don't Want To Face The Cavs In The Playoffs (aka Duh)

Tonight, the Sixers played a really good road game in Cleveland. They came out and didn't commit a turnover in the entire first quarter, getting a ton of easy points on the break. The Cavs, having played the night before, looked sluggish, and the Sixers led by as many as 11 on three separate occasions.

And then in the second half, LeBron James showed up and exerted his will with a near triple double and 26 points, and while it was tight in the second half and a one-possession game late... the final result was what you'd expect. Cavs 91, Sixers 88.

The problem isn't just James, of course. Cleveland's got a fine home court crowd and advantage. Ilgauskas and West gave James some critical support. But while the Sixers might be able to give the suddenly creaky Pistons some worries, and maybe even the Magic could stumble if they can't hit their threes... the Sixers, as presently constituted, just need too much from guys like Thaddeus Young and Louis Williams to win games against really good teams. And the Cavs are one of those teams, just because James is that good.

Even when you win a ton of games and look like a legitimate dark horse in the East, it's pretty clear when you step up in class. And in the NBA, one player does beat five -- assuming that one is one of the best players in the history of the game. (And the really scary thing is that he's still getting better.)

Looking for my new Isiah

As the recent speculation has shown, I may need a new NBA go-to guy to help fill the bloghole. Here's my top prospects.

1) Pat Riley. From stabbing his coach in the back for a championship run to failing to ignore the de rigue Shaq Smack as he's leaving town, the man with the hairstyle from the mid '50s and '80s is slowly but surely rising in the ranks of Embarrassing Old Men.

With his Heat now dogged by the "injury bug" that always envelopes terrible teams and organizations (perfected by the pre-Nellie Warriors, and practiced by half of the Eastern Conference last year in the hopes to get Durant or Oden), and the clock ticking down on when Dwayne Wade will engineer one of those Unhappy Star Trades, Riles really needs to hang it up before anyone does the math and realizes that he's, well, doing a terrible job.

No one seems to be paying any attention to the breathtaking mail-in job that the Heat players are doing this year (tonight's half-time score: 50-30), but honestly... they are so bad, they don't even have a player you can own in roto leagues right now. I can't remember ever saying that about a team before.

2) Larry Bird. The hick who can't GM worth a lick is only the third worst star player / GM in the league, since Isiah and McHale both remain employed, but those teams haven't managed to shoot up the neighborhood the way that Bird's men have. Bird gets special bonus points for not only franchising the perpetual disappointment that is Jermaine O'Neal, but also keeping him forever, making sure that his millstone doesn't have any real trade value, either. And if the Pacers somehow stagger into the 8th spot in the East for a 3-and-flush effort against the Celtics... well, really, are the Pacers better off, given who is at the helm, with some balls in the lottery hopper?

3) Mark Cuban. But the prize will, in all likelihood, go to the man who has done nothing for the past 2+ years but damage to his reputation. From the perpetual puling in the Finals to the refs giving ever call to Wade (he probably had a point, but he made it so badly, no one cared), to the courtside crying against the Warriors last year, to this year's hair-pulling fight with sports bloggers... well, let's just say that I'm beginning to think that Mavs' fans might be pining for the return of Ross Perot, really.

And maybe, just maybe, they'll lose tonight to the Warriors and find themselves out of the playoffs. Gosh, could we still have a playoff season in the NBA without being able to root against the utterly unlikable Mavs?

Seriously, Cubes, what good does it do you to engage in baiting the blogosphere with your locker room ban, and equating the entire output of all of the writers as one monolithic product o' gossip? Once again, sloppy generalizations from someone who should know better (see Costas, Bob) come into play.

Sure, some of us are just going for cheap laughs. Others are going to geek it up with Moneyball-esque stat work. Still more are going to be little more than talk radio (which, I'm noting, you don't seem to be willing to bait so openly, maybe because you've got just enough sense to fight only when you've got numbers).

Most of us don't need (or, in my case, want) locker room access to do what we do. Nor do we need to be baited by a dot-com billionaire, Ayn Rand-lover, egomaniac celebrity dancer and remarkably insufferable human being. Why don't you just go back to starting a new football league, not buying a baseball team, or following around Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson for media coverage?



In any event, Cubes, I'm sure you'll give me and mine plenty more to write about. Just not so much about, you know, basketball.

What were the f'in odds...

Mark Prior, 60-day DL.

At this rate, he's making Bill Walton look like an iron man.

Truth in Advertising

The reason CBS calls the Masters "a tradition unlike any other"?

Because if they called it "a golf tournament unlike any other" it would be a lie.

Lack of Drop, and everything else

Much stuff -- i.e., hosting the House of Meat auction -- going on in personal life, so the blogging is taking a miss. I'll load you up with goodness on Sunday.

Obvious, But Fun

I'm a sucker for old-school video game graphics. Pixel me, baby!

Epic Drop: Top 10 Shaq Criticisms About the Miami Heat

The link is here, and for everything you hear about Shaq being such a big kid at heart and a great teammate... has anyone ever really looked at the history on that? His Magic and Laker teams, when they lost, got their asses swept and looked for all the world like they were pulling the chutes. He's awfully good at throwing old star teammates (Penny, Kobe, and any minute now, D-Wade) under the bus.

But just like, say, John McCain, Shaq enjoys significantly less rigorous journalistic coverage, because the media is corrupt and compliant in their approach toward him. We should all find opportunities so abundant...

Whorifying

The streets of New York are awash in people clutching newspapers with the latest Jose Canseco allegations towards Alex Rodriguez... and I'm not going to get into the substance of those now, because there's actual journalists out there who get paid their weight in bottom ramen for that sort of thing. Besides, the last time that people said Canseco was a liar, he, um, wasn't, and nearly all of the people he fingered (as opposed to injected) turned out to be Roid Achievers.

No, what I'd rather talk about here is the transparent motives of all involved. Canseco needs to pimp his book (personally, I'd like to see the man branch out into poetry, or perhaps The Theater). A-Rod needs to shrug off any allegation. The Yankees need to pretend this stuff doesn't bother them, and that paying a guy more than the gross national product of many sub-Saharan nations doesn't mean he has to keep his name out of the NY Post. The Lemur needs to get the cheap ratings high from a train wreck story, all while pretending to hold their nose over the awful awfulness of covering train wreck stories. And all of us in the sports blogosphere feel like we've got to comment on it, because it's damn near impossible not to.

So, there you have it.

Canseco's a media whore.

A-Rod's a media whore.

The media are whores.

And me, for pointing all of that out, and you, for caring (and admit it, you do care)...

We're beyond sin, really.

Now, does this mean that A-Rod will be undervalued in my roto auction?

Closer Controversy Averted

The A's pick up their first win of the year, taking out Jon Lester and the Sox behind a resurgent Rich Harden. The 5-1 win was powered by the dubious 4-5 hitters of Emil Brown and Mike Sweeney (it worked so well for the Royals, right), who went 3 for 8 with Brown providing a three-run bomb in the third.

Notable as well was the high leverage bully work of reclamation project Keith Foulke, who I'm convinced Billy Beane will deal for a profit in June. Foulke shook off a one-out error by Bobby Crosby and his own wild pitch in the eighth to retire Ortiz and ManRam in the top of the 8th, with the A's up 3 and really not looking forward to the second straight day of Huston Street working on his gag reflex. A scratch run in the 8th following a Kurt Suzuki double (and with that double, he's already exceeded Jason Kendall's 2007 contribution) gave the Green and Gold a 4-run lead, so Alan Embree was able to come in for the non-save.

Note: I'm really not all that concerned about Street, who has always been streaky but valuable, and a blown 1-run save in a de facto Red Sox home game is not exactly a termination offense. But with Foulke looking good and Embree having done the job last year, he might be movable anyway, especially with his health issues and Billy Beane's longstanding distaste for overvalued closers.

The big story, of course, was Harden, who sent six innings, struck out nine, and didn't get hurt. 3 hits, 3 walks, 1 earned run off a ManRam homer, and the sound you just heard was tens of thousands of roto players moving him up on their draft rankings.

Anyway, since A's wins and being .500 probably won't happen very much this year, let's give Harden and the rest their due...

The Final Form Of Awesomeness

Folks, the House of Meat Belt is finished. And Lo, It Was Good.

Now, you may think that just from seeing it with the Decade of Triumph Plates on it makes it awesome enough. But then, you see what we do -- we give it that extra M E A T of spectacularitude in a pants-dropping closeup. (And I know that spectacularitude is not a word -- YET. I've got patent pending, bitches.)

I don't know why I didn't just have the guy put my name on the plates for every year. When the prize is this big, there ain't no way it's ever leaving Daddy.

In all seriousness, big props to Ben from DSeipel Sports for not only coming in on time and on budget, but also for keeping me appraised every step of the way. I used to work for a custom manufacturer, and in that line of business, customer service is absolutely key -- the job is just waiting to go bad every step of the way, because what you envision and what the manufacturer can provide are usually two very different things, and adjusting your expectations accordingly is usually disappointing. The only way around that is to (a) deliver an exceptional product by showing that you have been listening to what the client's been telling you, and (b) keep the client informed so there are no nasty surprises. In both of these points, Ben kicks ass, and if you've got any need for his services, I can't recommend him highly enough. Plus, his belts don't cost a ridiculous amount of jack, like most of the other guys out there.

(And no, he didn't give me a kickback for the mouth job there.)

Now, on to the draft!

High Leverage

(Yes, that is A's pitcher and fashion magnet Joe "Cupcakes" Blanton dressed as a socket from some rookie hazing stunt, and no, I don't know why, or what it might mean to some greater personal issue... Moving on. Slowly.)

There's a term in baseball stat head circles that describes the relative difficulty of a game in which a relief pitcher works. If he's getting late inning work with men on base, that's called a high leverage situation; if he's going in when the game is a lost cause in either direction, that's low leverage. What yesterday's opening game in Japan between the A's and Red Sox shows is that the concept doesn't only work to describe specific games, but also teams.

Last morning's starting pitcher for the Sox, Daisuke Matsuzaka, is in about as low leverage a position as a man can be while costing a World Series champion over $100 million. He works with a stacked bullpen, in front of a great offense, with one of MLB's best defenses behind him, with a fan base that means that he pitches to a de facto home crowd 2/3rds of the year or more. (Actually, one could argue tht the road Sox fan base is actually a much easier crowd to work in front of, and that would be true in all sports. Witness Eli Manning's relative lack of diffculty away from the Meadowlands. The fact is that your road fan is an affluent type or an ex-pat, neither of which is likely to break out with much in the way of a dispiriting boo. Besides, if you get heckled on the road, you can just tell yourself it's the home team fans that are doing it.)

Dice is so low in his leverage, you wonder what his situation would be like if the Sox weren't Series champions. Actually, I don't wonder: I'd know that he'd be considered an overrated bust.

Meanwhile for the A's, Joe Blanton worked in a game where his third baseman (Jack Hanrahan, who did go deep) is a castoff, his shortstop (Bobby Crosby) has his defense challenged by constant injury, and his first baseman (Daric Barton) is a rookie who is only playing first because his glove didn't work out at any other location. The outfield and second baseman are presumed OK, but the offense will be a major struggle, and the bullpen, which was supposed to be the strength of the team, failed late, with closer Huston Street authoring the first blown save of 2008.

Blanton, assuming the A's were playing for anything other than positioning for 2009 and he's actually going to stay with the team, is high leverage, and even in Game 1 of a 162 game season, last night's failure to hold onto what is likely to be a rare early lead shows he's... well, like Matsuzaka, a nice enough pitcher, but one that shouldn't be put in high leverage situations.

Something to keep in mind, really, as you evaluate talent -- it's not just the numbers, or the way a guy looks. It's also the relative pressure of his gig.

Epic Drop: Top 10 Signs Chris Webber's Comeback Wasn't Working Out

Your link is here, and all rancor from his Sixers dog show and buyout aside, he was one of the best passing big men in NBA history. Having said that, he still didn't defend in the clutch, and seemed more interested in getting paid than anything else -- even back to his college days, of course. What the Warriors were thinking in this re-run, I have no idea, unless Nellie just wanted to be the one to tell him it was over. (Hmm...)

Isiah was alive. I *felt* it.

Noooooooooooooo.....

Isiah won't be back? But how will I fill the blog? Who will make Knicks fans cry like ritualistically abused stepchildren? Who will construct train wreck teams where players all go 1-on-5 and play no defense? Where will I turn to for press conferences that make Baghdad Bob look sane and coherent?

(rises from cube, stiffly)



And at the end of a long and fearful day... RASPUTIN IS ALIVE!

File this one in a long and growing list of The World Wide Lemur not telling you True Things, or maybe the Knicks have decided that way out of the playoff race, but without actual freaking rape and murder charges, is the better way to go...

Pride Goeth Before A Vibrating Bed

Just in case Philly Fan wasn't already worried about the year (Brad Lidge, DL... it begins early!), there's this little Moment of Hubris: MVP shortshop Jimmy Rollins is going to be on "MTV Cribs."

(No, we don't watch the show. As the House of Meat Championship Belt shows, we LIVE the show.)

The money detail? Rollins' bed. It, um, vibrates. And here's the money quote...

"That's a great place to make the magic happen."

I think we've found J-Roll's new nickname. He's Mister Magic!

"These Boston People Are Awful"

(Song is NSFW, but there's never been a clearer approximation of MLB+ than "Big Bank take Little Bank.")



Susan Slusser is a solid beat reporter for the Chronicle, and she covers the A's, who are in Japan for their games against the Red Sox. Guess what? Oakland's getting done... with no Vaseline.

Reporters thronged to a news conference with Boston brass and players, but the majority cleared out when the A's arrived. Boston's exhibition games were packed and received top billing; the A's drew less than half the fans. Oakland drew the short stick of playing the late exhibition game Saturday night and then the noon exhibition the following day; the Red Sox had the more leisurely schedule.

Seriously, MLB? Why not follow the lead of college football, and schedule more home games for the MLB+ teams?

Oh, wait. Actually, the A's are the "home" team for both of these games in Japan. In front of tens of thousands of Massholes on a vacation bender, and the Red Sox's bought and paid for Nippon stars, Matsuzaka and Okajima. Hey, can we just have the A's swap out the Green and Gold for Washington Generals' attire already?

Oh, but some things are eternal. This also from Slusser...

Not everyone here is totally enamored with Boston, however. Rowdy Boston fans at the Tokyo Dome have drawn some disapproving looks and comment. And back at the team hotel, one Japanese woman standing in the lobby surrounded by Red Sox fans turned to her companion and said, "These Boston people are awful."

Gosh, really?

Countdown to Disabled List

So the Cubs decided to give Kerry Wood the closer job, and I say fine to that -- he's probably not as good as Carlos Marmol, but there are some relievers that are probably dead that are better than last year's closer, Ryan "Dumpster" Dempster...

But then Cap'n Lou Alpinhead had to add insult before the inevitable injury with this.

Piniella, who sees "no reason why" Wood couldn't pitch three days in a row.

Um, Lou? Have you paid any attention to the career of Mr. Wood? He makes Dave Dravecky look durable. He has spent his conscious life ruining the dreams of Cub Fan, and you're looking to push his work rate into the danger zone.

Which either makes Lou an evil genius that's trying to get Wood killed, or he's drooling on his shirt and looking for the early meal. I'm going with the former, but he also seems to be trying to have Zambrano killed. If nothing else, you have to admire Lou's commitment to squandering pitching

Epic Drop: Top 15 Signs That Your MLB Team Won't Contend This Year

Your link is here, and while it seems like it's just a list of sadness from my A's fandom days, it really has more to do with those formative years watching the Phillies piss away the final days of Mike Schmidt by cranking out also-ran teams that sucked Mets' exhaust. When the pre-season is spent watching Jeff Russell and Jeff Stone ads, or GlennBo Wilson... well, it leaves a mark. A big one.

Oh Come Now, This Can't Have Been Very Surprising

Duke Fan, you really were actually surprised at not getting to the Sweet 16 after your team barely escaped losing to a 15 seed? Come on, trustafarians, get in touch with reality already. Your team has become the snotty punching bag and UNC Bitch that our man Dirty Davey has waited decades for. Embrace your new era! You're doing the rest of the sporting world a service, really. (And if you need help in adjusting to the new standard of things, ping FTT HOF commenter Tracer Bullet. He's a Notre Dame football fan, so his experience is highly relevant.)

Epic Drop: Top 10 Signs That Mark Cuban Is Starting To Lose It

Your link is here, and on a more serious point, if Dirk Nowitzki is really out for any length of time, there's no way the Mavs should be able to hold off the Warriors and Nuggets for the last spot in the West.

They haven't beaten a team with a winning record since the Kidd trade, Avery Johnson has actually played Tyronn Lue instead of Kidd in crunch time (for the simple reason that Kidd might be the worst point guard in the league on offense in the half court right now), and the Cube has been seen and heard having screaming matches with his coach. Good times!



And if they make the playoffs, they're an auto-out... and that's whether or not Nowitzki is on the floor. At least the Nuggets might give someone a scare.

Two Nations Will Collide

On May 28, 2008, I will attend a taping of "The Colbert Report" in New York.

I mention this for the following reasons.

1) To provoke relentless jealousy among my fellow Colbert Lovers,

2) To create the sad tease of an FTT contest for who among you wants to go with me (make your pitch in the comments, but the Shooter Wife has the inside track),

3) To collect suggestions for what to wear (I'm thinking the House of Meat Championship Belt and the FTT T-Shirt Garment of Greatness -- but that much awesomeness at one time might tear a hole in the space-time continuum)

4) To collect suggestions for what questions need to be asked (Stephen, I am told, plays Stump the Audience before the taping begins)

5) And really, just to show you that It's My World, Dammit.

So go ahead, Nation -- convince me of your worthiness to inhabit my world.

With Herman Edwards As Delila

Adam Schefter of The NFL NETWORK reports that the Kansas City Chiefs have proposed a rule to "ban players from having their hair cover or obscure the names on the back of player’s jersey."

Golf clap, Chiefs. Between the tired jokes of old white men asking if you can pull a guy down by his hair, to the head shakes of racists at the sports bar who can't possibly tolerate a culture that isn't their own... well, it's high time that they finally Did Something about this hair thing. And by putting your foot down about this, you'll keep your terrible, terrible team safe from guys like Troy Polamalu, Stephen Jackson and Al Harris -- you know, longhairs who actually have had moments of utility for their NFL teams. Can you take this a step further, please, and ban players with tattoos, or who don't embrace Jebus?

Besides, some of the players with longer hair, I knew who they were without reading the name on the back of the jersey. And where's the fun in that?

Anyway, Chief Player who would like to be enough of an adult to make their own decision about their freaking hair, please note that this rule says nothing about growing it out down to the *front* of your jersey. So just go reverse mullet. And remember, any loss in visibility just keeps you from watching as much of your godawful team!

Hoo Boy

Is there anything sadder, really, then the guy who hangs out with the college or high school team that he used to play on, years after it's all over... most likely because he used to get poon back there, and the Real World hasn't been as kind.

The answer, of course, is Hell and No, which leaves us with the sad spectacle of Adam "Manson" Morrison, no longer wanted by the Charlotte Bobcats, no longer useful to Gonzaga, and looking like he's in need of a shave, shower and minimum wage job to get him off the methadone. Seriously, he should have been drinking Natty Light and rocking a midlife paunch.

And unlike you and me, he's also worth (tens of) millions of dollars, and should really have people around him to let him know that, well, staying home and watching the game on TV is really the cooler thing to do. (In case you were ever wondering about the benefits of a posse, this is it.)

At least there, when your team loses, no one is wondering what the hell happened to you...

The sadness of what we're dealing with

The title is George Karl's curiously emo assessment of the Nuggets' season, in which they could be the first team in NBA history to not quality for the playoffs despite winning 50 games. The Nugs are currently 40-28 with 14 games left to play, and 2.5 games behind Golden State for the 8th seed in the West.

As you might imagine when the 8 seed wins 60% of their games, getting in gives you more than a puncher's chance, especially when the top teams include New Orleans (little playoff experience or home court advantage), Houston (no low post scoring after the Yao Injury), Phoenix (looking better recently, but still trying to fit a round Shaq into a square offense), Dallas...

But getting back to the Nugs, how is it that a team with the top scoring duo in the Association (Melo and Ivy, of course), a surprisingly durable difference maker at center (Marcus Camby, who hasn't been cottony for a long, long time), a reasonable bench, an experienced coach, a good home court...

Well, here's how. Gutless performances on the road in games they really had to have. From losing to the Sixers last week to the Knicks back in November (and yes, it was the first game there since Melo's Jab And Run)...

Well, given the degree of difficulty in the West, it doesn't take much to miss. And they're going to.

Epic Drop: Bosork MLB Preview

Here's the link, and yes, I'll be writing too much about both of these teams again this year, and gosh, isn't it great that the rivalry is what it is and... sorry, nodded off there for a bit.

I will give Yankee Fan one small -- very small -- point of order here. When they win, they don't spend their time trying to get other people to root for their team. They accept that you hate them, and that's OK. Sox Fan wants you to engage in Stockholm Syndrome, really...

Last Call For Meat

There are two slots left in my league (The House of Meat) -- which is to say, 10 owners in, hoping to get to 12.

We draft on Saturday, March 29. It's $50, a 5x5 roto league on Yahoo, keeper, auction draft.

And it's got this thing.



Come on now, don't make me beg. (Email dmtshooter@gmail.com for rules, invite, etc.)

The worst way ever to lose a shutout

I used to play street hockey all the time when I was a teenager, and no, I never saw a softer goal than this one. Kudos to the Leaf goalie for somehow getting past this and winning the game anyway, not that anyone will ever remember that.

Profiles in Courage

So the Steelers, after receiving word of wide receiver Cedric Wilson being arrested for punching his ex-girlfriend in the face, have seized the moral high ground and released him.

Good on them. Not only was Wilson a disappointment on the field after being signed away from the Niners, but any guy that punches a girl in the face is reprehensible. Seriously. Aim lower, and there's a much better chance of concealing the damage. (Rim shot.)

Anyway, Wilson's gone, and the Steelers have shown themselves to be a fine and upstanding team that always takes a consistent stance that violence against women is... um, hold the phone. A week earlier, linebacker James Harrison was also handcuffed for smacking the distaff. There must be some mistake, other than the fact that Harrison is, you know, good at football.

"What Jimmy Harrison was doing and how the incident occurred, what he was trying to do was really well worth it. He was doing something that was good, wanted to take his son to get baptized where he lived and things like that. She said she didn’t want to do it." - Steelers team chairman Dan Rooney

Oh, that makes all the difference -- Harrison was trying to force his religion on her. Because when you use force to propagate your religion, that's just peachy!

What Women Want

Just on the off chance that, say, the one in your life is cramping your style, though referring to your need to sit on the couch like a beached whale really should not be called a style. Anyway, enjoy...

Epic Drop: Top 10 Excuses For Not Caring About The NCAA Tournament

Your link is here, and I have to say... there's no tougher weekend for me as a sports fan. Unless Syracuse is in it, I have no rooting interest at all, and my sense of honor as a sports fan keeps me from getting in on the bandwagon at the last minute.

Meanwhile, there's all kinds of people who know I'm into sports, who either want me to join their bracket or talk about the tournament. So the temptation is to jump in, but I know what will happen from decades of trial and error... my bracket will suck, because I'll either pick against the schools that I will want to lose and get bent when they win, or sell my principles down the river and root for them to win... and get bent when they lose.

And well, I love hoop, I really do. And what they play in colleges ain't it.

Anyway, enough of my carping. Truth, is your kid beating you?

Epic Drop: Top 10 Young and Overrated Fantasy Baseball Picks

Your link is here, and at this point, especially if you are in a league with me, you've got to be wondering why I'd put this out there, a week and a half before my draft.

Am I hoping to drive down the value of some young guy I really want, or am I playing it straight with my hate on guys like Daric Barton, Ian Kennedy and Geovany Soto? To quote the great Abe Simpson, some from column A, some from column B...

Catch and Release

The recent Web rumor, and it's dubiously sourced but delicious, has the Eagles finding another new home for back-up QB and full-time INT machine AJ Feeley. He's like a dog that can't be housebroken or put down, really...

You might remember him Feeley from such laugh-a-minute heists as a second round pick from Miami (now WR Reggie Brown) and 6 INTs in two games in 2007, including a gut-buster of a home loss to the Seabags where he made LB Lofa Tatupu his go-to guy. Now, there's word that the Packers are looking for someone young and cheap to fill the role of Guy Who Throws Picks, and AJ Pickzynski may be the man.

Of course, trading Feeley does expose the Birds to moving up Kevin Kolb to the #2 spot, otherwise known as the most popular man in Philadelphia. There's nothing the town loves more than the back-up QB, especially since the starter never has a Super Bowl ring to use to shut up his critics. Who can forget such bygone bandwagons like Pat Ryan, Jeff Garcia, Bobby Hoying, Jim McMahon and Rodney Peete? They were *all* winners, at least until they actually got the gig. Then, not so much.

Now, if the Birds could only package what you have to endure in those Heather Mitts' pictures with Brown for, say, Greg Jennings...

Prodigal

Tonight in South Philadelphia, following what should be the only real traffic jam of the year before a Sixers game, Allen Iverson will lead his Denver Nuggets into battle in a building that he more or less created.

The Nuggets have a better team and record, but the Sixers have the better playoff situation, since they are in the Leastern Conference -- hell, .500 might get home-court for somebody. Some people are wondering if the local fans will boo, but as I don't think there really is an arena that boos AI anywhere in the league (let's face it, people like to root for a hard working little guy, regardless of his tats and past offenses), I just can't see it. And if it does happen, I'll feel worse about my hometown than when we chucked batteries, fired flare guns, or roared our approval at apparent paralysis.

As for what will happen in the actual game, your guess is as good as mine; AI is 1-1 against his old team in two games in Denver. He could shoot his team out of the game, or go for 50+; but it probably won't be where the game is won. If Camby can make Dalembert disappear, and if Denver can find anyone to guard Iguodala -- that's where these teams match up, and win or lose.

As for what I'll be rooting for? It's been nearly a year and a half since The Trade, and I still have a horrible hollow feeling whenever I see AI in that powder blue jersey. An end to that would be nice, but I'm not expecting it, really. (AI scores 40, Denver wins 115-105.)

Update -- Ivy had 32, but the Sixers got more from their bench (30 to 16), and Dalembert outpunched Camby (17 and 12 to 5 and 4). The Sixers had to shoot over 60% from the floor to win by 2, at home... but that was also their 10th win in their last 11 games, so you can make a case that they just might be for real. Here's something that's nearly as amazing -- they're actually a .500 team now, at 34-34. with 5.5 games between them and being out of the playoffs.

As for Denver, they're still looking like the odd team out in the West, and you'd think that a team that's only got 14 regular season games left to change that situation would be a little more down about dropping a winnable road game. Someone want to wake up George Karl, and tell him to stop freaking out about sports blogs that want him fired.

New England Gets Its Hopes Up

Celtics snap the Rockets 22-game winning streak tonight in Texas rather, um, convincingly... assuming a 20-point road win convinces anyone. It was purely a second half experience, as the visitors went 54-29 after intermission. Leon Powe had 21 in 18 minutes to make the bench go, and Garnett and Pierce combined for another 42. The Rockets shot under 41% from the floor and were only 3 for 9 from the line, and the Celtics combined rebounding with ball control to take 15 more shots from the floor.

End of a fine run for Houston, of course, who can now return to collapsing without Yao, the way all of us smart people knew they would. (With the Lakers winning, they lost the top spot in the West tonight... and only 6 games out from not qualifying for the playoffs at all. Ye gads, the West is a scary place.)

With the Celtics now five games up on Detroit, they've got the #1 slot in the East lined up, and with Garnett having had enforced rest due to injury, all they really need is to get Ray Allen back up to speed... and to shake loose any residual fear that sterling regular seasons only lead to playoff heartbreak. Gosh, that would be bad, if they encountered heartbreak...

Bracket Challenge - Beat a 2 Year Old

There are all forms of March Madness pools out there - pre-fill brackets, fill per round brackets, blind draws, auction draws, do or die, head to head against the spread, and the list goes on. It usually consists of an office pool, group of friends or die hard junkie gamblers. When it comes to March Madness I'm probably in that last group. I usually enter about 10 different bracket pools, a couple of auction pools and a do or die pool. Multiple entries in each of course. And it goes without saying I play for fun because betting real money would be illegal and we here at FTT do not condone that sort of thing.

OK - back to the point. I decided that my oldest daughter was at the age where she was ready to get involved with her first foray into March Madness pools. She's two. Getting a two year old to focus on making picks is not easy. Over the course of the past three nights I was able to get her to complete her brackets. It consisted of me naming two team names and asking her to repeat back the one she liked best. Some of the picks were what you would expect from a 2 year old. Two picks almost brought tears of joy - her first round pick of #15 Belmont over Duke, and her second round pick of #8 Indy over #1 UNC. I asked her if she was sure she didn't want UNC and she said "NO, NO, NO Dada. NO UNC." The kid already understands integrity, maybe she can teach Ol' Roy about it someday.

So, fill out your brackets and see if you can beat a 2 year old at March Madness. Her picks are above in the photo - click on it for a larger size. Simple scoring rules - for each pick you get correct you will receive the following points: Round 1: 1 point, Round 2: 2 points, Sweet 16: 4 points, Elite 8: 8 points, Final 4: 16 points, Final Game: 32 points.

Good luck and here's to the future of our country.

The NCAA Tournament Has Not Begun

This can't be said enough: the play-in game is utterly, completely, breathtakingly pointless. Right up there with, say, a fifth NFL exhibition game, Mel Kiper Jr. Bill Walton and the Baltimore Orioles.

You can't pick it in a pool. You have to live in North Las Vegas to want to seriously wager on it. The winner doesn't matter, since no 16 seed has ever beaten a 1 seed, or, most likely, ever will. These teams would be better off in the NIT, where they might finagle a home game. It doesn't serve any useful purpose, other than to try to get the NCAA an extra day or two of coverage. It shouldn't be covered, televised, or tolerated. Period.

Oh, and when one of the teams has, as its name, an imperative command to begin rutting? Well then, it's just obvious to everyone, isn't it?

Epic Drop: Top 11 Signs That Barry Bonds Is Definitely A Victim of Collusion

Here's the link, and if you'll allow me a moment of seriousness... independent of the possible +1.000 OPS that he'd give you for 110 to 120 games (and that, of course, assumes that he gets through the year without doing time in the federal pokey for perjury), I'm not sure where he's a good fit, well, anywhere. At this point in his career, you can only play him at DH. When he's on the bases, he makes Frank Thomas look swift. He's a train wreck for the media just about every day, and can't stand the press just enough to be dangerous. And he's really only coming back for one last meaningless milestone, this one 3,000 hits (he's 65 away).

So, collusion or no, high OPS or not, who on Earth would take him? Which team's fan base is puling for him to be signed? Honestly, as an A's fan, I'd rather see 400 at bats of Jack Cust. At least that way, when the team loses, I won't feel like they've sold their souls while doing it.

A day late and an Irishman short

I'm half, on my father's side, and prone to grumble-riffic rants about how no other nationality has its foibles celebrated with a holiday; imagine, if you would, St. Guido's Day, where we all engage in La Cosa Nostra-style mock killings and Sopranos-esque overacting. (And I'll stop the exercise right there, before my Al Campanis moment.)

But the nice thing about being Irish is that you're usually too drunk to care about being, you know, stereotyped as drunks. Pour me a Guinness already, would ya?

Bob Costas Is, And Makes Me, A Cranky Magical Elf

More fallout from the Costas Kerfluffle... after painting the sports blogosphere with a wide pass from the stupid brush, my favorite fellow alum "clarified" a bit yesterday. And how did he do it? With a phone call to Will Leith at Deadspin, who I
suppose, since he has a book and a living and TV punditocracy to his name, counts as someone with A Life. Congrats, Will -- Bob Costas thinks you're special!

Anyway, I'm not going to get into the details of what Costas said and how he's still an irredeemable prick, regardless of how many sports bloggers are as well; the plain and simple point is that Generalizational Thinking is always Flabby Thinking, and if Costas had swapped out "(insert skin color) people" for "bloggers", he'd be unemployed and a Hardaway-esque punchline. But there's a bigger point to bear here, which jumped into my radar from a recent New Yorker piece on the subculture of magic.

In the piece, the writer talked about how magicians are split into various camps, despite mostly coming from the same wellspring in a Brooklyn magic shop. You've got the table folks, who are basically doing card work and sleight of hand, and the bigger Illusionist people, who compete for the Vegas slots and the David Blaine-esque endurance stunts. Both camps are more or less insufferable, of course, being a niche inside of a niche, and that's true of all sub-cultures really -- if you delve too depp into the craft, you're just performing for the other practitioners, because technique for the sake of technique is, well, self-play, to be polite about it.

These are also, of course, people you do not want to play cards with.

There is also a heightened sense of insecurity among many magicians. They can see the writing on the wall with the explosion of entertainment options, the jadedness of the audience in terms of seeing the impossible every day via CGI screens, and the sense that the pace of modern life is throwing them aside. Think about the last time you saw a magic trick; for the larger pieces, there is always a set-up, drumrolls, drama. If you don't have those, it doesn't seem like a big show. But how is the practitioner supposed to impress or entertain you, when you could just fire up YouTube and see more or less the same thing, but faster... and maybe even the sad blessing of someone showing you how it's done?

There is no security for the magician.

Nor is there for sports broadcasters, or pundits, or networks... when bloggers can act as disintermediaries. (Note: We can only do that for the stuff that doesn't require legwork reporting. Which is to say, 90% of what these people are doing.)

And sure, your casino magician isn't really going to suffer, at least not until the generation of people who don't think an hour with a broadband connection is a good time pass on. Nor will the NBC Carnival of Smirky Football Related Whimsy, or whatever the hell they are calling the Sunday Night Is A Night And Football Is Played On That Night Because It's Sunday And All telecast these days.

But in the long run, they are losing audience and market share, and they know it.

They also don't like it much.



Welcome to the marketplace, boys.

What took you so long?

People are hating on the Lemur? That's like, so the last 10-plus years. Maybe they'll even notice the Braying Jackassery, non-sports content, formulaic moron appeasement and Hype Hype Hype. Read this, and you'll feel like someone who was against the Iraq War from the beginning... which is to say bitter and angry, but incredibly, incredibly hip.

Epic Drop: Top 10 Ways Sports Blogging Will Change

Your list is here, and it's chock full of future-y goodness.

On a more serious tip, revenue over at the Carnival was up by a lot last quarter, which is more along the lines of increasing from very little, but still. No one should blog about sports for the payday, because on a per-hourly basis, you'd be much better off working at a Quick E-Mart... but if the trends stay this way for another quarter or two, I'll finally be able to afford that lipo.

As A Sports Blogger. I'm Required By Law To Mention This

So two people at a high school basketball game in Connecticut (shocking, no?) were ejected after not standing up for the National Anthem... and are now contemplating... wait for it... legal action!

Now, every blogger in the world will make the obvious point that the spectators are tools; that's guaranteed, of course, if for no other reason than they made the game more about them than the players. But what if this someone gets the Yankee Gestapo to stop doing the 7th Inning Retch? Or maybe even gets us to the point where a million bad celebs can't torture the anthem with their own special artistic visions?

Well, then these people might be the greatest American patriots of this, or any other, generation. It makes me want to find and salute a flag just thinking about it, really...

Further Proof, Not That You Needed It, That We Like To See The Media Get Hurt

http://view.break.com/469591 - Watch more free videos

Mets Fan Knew It All Along

Houston Astros second baseman Kazuo Matsui will undergo surgery to repair an anal fissure on Monday in Houston.

Matsui has struggled with the health problem for much of spring training and was diagnosed with the condition earlier this week. The expected recovery time after the surgery is two weeks...

Matsui was signed in December to take over at second base after Craig Biggio's retirement. He had 37s RBIs and four home runs with a .288 batting average last season for Colorado.

Right now, Felix Pie is thanking the Lord that he isn't Matsui.

Nice effort, Sonics

I don't usually point out single games from the Association, but when this comes over the wire...

Denver 168
Seattle 112

Well, boy and howdy. Have the Sonics already packed?

The Nuggets shot over 60% from the floor, were 30 more than the 138 they put up against Seattle 18 days ago, and the most that the team has ever put up in regulation. Even more remarkable, they did it without Carmelo Anthony or Allen Iverson going off. Instead, the visitors were giving away points to anyone who walked on the floor, with 8 Nuggets in double figures, Marcus Camby leading the way with a triple double.

It's the third straight blowout win for the Nuggets, with the other coming against Memphis and the Raptors. They're still a game and a half behind the Warriors for the 8 seed, but that's not the telling point. The telling point is that Seattle is now 16-51, 1-9 in its last 10 games, and a no-doubt choice as the worst team in the Association right now... and maybe I'm just reading too much into a year when the team is playing without any kind of home-court advantage given the franchise weirdness that's going on right now, but I can't help shake the idea that when you lose like this, you're well and truly screwed, regardless of your talent situation or cap deal.

Next year or two, when they've got a new arena and/or home situation, they'll still need to lose their coach (PJ Carlesimo, who's doing such a stellar job here). They'll still have a roster full of guys who, with the possible exception of rookie power forward Jeff Green, show no interest or inclination in playing defense. They'll still have three point guards on the roster that would all be better suited to being a change-of-pace guy off the bench, rather than getting starter's minutes. They'll still have no one on the roster who should play shooting guard. Their centers either rebound (Nick Collison) or block shots (Robert Swift and Johan Patro), but never both at the same time. Chris Wilcox provides the emptiest 13 and 7 in the Association.

Which leaves the Franchise, rookie small forward Kevin Durant. If the 41% from the floor and 28% from the three-point line doesn't scare you, how about the 4.1 boards in 33.6 minutes per game? On a team with no dominant rebounder (Collison leads with 8.8 per game), he's boarding at nearly the same rate as Earl Watson, who's 8 inches shorter, and well, a point guard. That pre-draft workout experience where he couldn't lift weight is starting to seem more relevant now, isn't it?

Oklahoma City, be careful what you wish for...

Epic Drop: Top 11 Signs You Have No Business Picking an NCAA Bracket

Your link is here, and as it will probably be the first and last words I have to say about The Tournament, treasure 'em.

Future FTT work on this subject will come from The Truth and Dirty Davey, assuming we can keep both men from going on a Roy Williams-inspired killing spree when the Tar Heels spit the bit. (The over/under on the length of time that Roy will cry is 75 seconds, and as always, I'm taking the over.)

I'd also like to thank my alma mater, the mighty 'Cuse, for saving me the time and trouble of watching the tournament for the second straight year. If you aren't going to win it all with a 'Melo-riffic frosh, just don't go, sez I...

For No Good Reason

Wilco - Walken (Live on SNL March 1st 2008)
by nono_the_bean

In a better life, I'd be Jeff Tweedy.

We Are Unhappy With Scoop Jackson

And continuing in the theme of If A Guy Works For A Media Conglomerate, His Opinion Must Be Better Than Ours... well, Scoop Jackson's usually better than this, so I'm not even going to link to it, but still.

He managed to milk a column out of the idea that people give Isiah Thomas too much grief, and Larry Bird not enough, as terrible, terrible GMs. This has, of course, led to the usual backlash.

Now, Scoop? If you really want to point out the corollary of white ex-star player who is now a terrible GM, why wouldn't you pick Kevin McHale? The man blew five -- five! -- number one draft picks for the right to prostrate his franchise over Joe Smith. They dealt Kevin Garnett for the guts of a terrible team, just to get him out of the conference. The best players that they could get for KG in his entire tenure in Minnesota were multi-team retreads and world-class head cases Sam I Am and Spree the Yachtsman. Seriously, take the lay up.

But no, you had to go take down the Legend, giving everyone the easy out of just blaming Testy -- never mind, of course, that Larry seems to continually fail to make the right choice on Character Issues.

Look, no one's arguing with you that any ex-NBA star, with the contested exception of Darko Dumars, hasn't been utterly terrible at the job. But just as there is a difference between Mussolini and Hitler, Tiffany and Britney, or gonorrhea and syphilis, there is Any Terrible GM and Isiah. That's just how special he is, really.

Bob Costas Is Unhappy With Us

Part of the reason why this blog exists is my prevailing belief that there are people who want to read about sports who won't head for the hills when they read words like "prevailing." That sense of being underserved has permeated every part of my relation with the other parts of the newspaper (news, editorials, business, and especially the comics page, where the tyrannical reign of Gil Thorp and Marty Moon's media jackal empire both need to come crashing down in bloodshed -- but I've probably shared too much).

Of course, smart people can be annoying too, only it's much more disappointing when that happens. Witness today's exercise in flabby thinking from Bob Costas:

"But it's one thing if somebody just sets up a blog from their mother's basement in Albuquerque and they are who they are, and they're a pathetic get-a-life loser, but now that pathetic get-a-life loser can piggyback onto someone who actually has some level of professional accountability... that, in most cases, grants a forum to somebody who has no particular insight or responsibility. Most of it is a combination of ignorance or invective."

Now, far be it for me to defend the entire sports blogosphere, which does combine ignorance and invective with cheerful aplomb, and Bob clearly forgot to mention titty and curse words, which are the other pillars of Blogfrica. But, um, Bob? How is any of this any different from what Your Industry does?

(See what I just did there? I complained about flabby generalist thinking with flabby generalist thinking. Wheels within wheels here, kids.)

Oh, and for once and for all, we're not all blogging in mom's basement. Some of us are blogging at work, or on the train, or at the public library. All of it is punctuated by shaking hands with the unemployed, though. Especially the female sports bloggers. It's amazing they can even walk.

I also don't understand the hate for Albuquerque. I've met the same number of dumbasses, or a per capita basis, in a New York City subway. But then again, Bob doesn't live in New Mexico, so that must not be a place where smart, qualified and accountable people live, right?

And finally... I don't want to come off all high and mighty and stop clicking the ads here, but... I make more money than a sports writer. A lot more. I have ever since I, well, gave up sports writing. So just who's lacking a life now, Bobaroo -- me in my ManSpace compound (my *own* damn basement, not my mother's, thank you very much), or the badly dressed food scrounging no lifer who has spends his life waiting around putrid locker rooms, for a fraction of what I make?

Look, here's the plain and nasty truth about the brave new Internet world... people HATE the media. In all forms. They feel that it is a tool of corporations, that it's as dumb as a post, that it doesn't give them what they want or live in their world or reflect their values.

And that's true no matter where you are on the political spectrum, and whether or not you are a sports fan, too. Even if you've got your degree from Syracuse. (And by the way, Bobby -- I went there too. In the immortal words of our fellow alum Derrick Coleman, Whoop De Damn Do.)

And now that everyone has the ability to switch off the media and remain somewhat informed? Boy and howdy, are they doing that. According to recent polling from WeMedia/Zogby Interactive, "67% of Americans believe traditional journalism is out of touch with what Americans want from their news. In addition, the survey found that while almost 70% of Americans think journalism is important to the quality of life in their communities, though two thirds are not satisfied with the quality of journalism in their communities."

Some media -- the very best of it, really, and almost none of it involving sports -- is completely great. Bloggers, for the most part, are remora around it. And if you are really threatened by remora, you've got a lot more in common with them, not the productive animal...

The Root of All Evil

At what point, really, did we all become franchise owners?

Perhaps it's just that we can't fathom the size of an athlete's salary, or that we have been so boned over the years on ticket prices and cable rates and merch and concessions... but every other conversation you read or hear about the players on the teams you root for is about the contract details of each player.

Lito Sheppard's contract is too big for him to stay with the Eagles as a nickel back. The A's had to move Dan Haren and Nick Swisher while they still had good contracts. The Yankees are nearly auto-obliged to turn first base back over to Jason Giambi, because of his contract. Bill Simmons is masturbating again with his trade widget. (Seriously, Bill, put it away. You'll go blind.)

Does this happen where you work? Of course not. Unless you're in a union shop, and my sympathies for such things are growing, as I continue to be exposed to companies with HR departments that couldn't find their ass with both hands and a map... well, you probably don't know what the next cube slave makes, or want to know, given how incredibly distracting that is.

And yet, sports (and if you are unlucky, your office) feels compelled to dwell in the yearly rate for all of these short-timers. The more naive among us decry athletes for caring more about dollars than wins when they make free agent decisions... and yet, if and when you get a job offer to go somewhere else for more, it's hard to imagine the people in your life telling you what a callous bastard you were for accepting it.

Finally, there's this... I saw a headline the other day of how parents were having a hard time explaining the Spitzer Situation to their kids. Beyond wondering why they were letting their kids watch the news, or why "The Governor lied and committed crimes, so no one wants to work with him any more, and he has to quit and maybe even go to jail..."

Well, isn't childhood supposed to be the time when everything *doesn't* have a price tag? And isn't some part of the appeal of sports is that you get to be just a little bit like a little kid again, and just watch and enjoy it for the moment, rather than running a cost-benefit analysis of the experience?

GENTLEMEN... BEHOLD!!!... The CHAMPIONSHIP BELT!

You are looking at the in-progress championship belt for my new fantasy league, The House Of Meat. Click on the link, and it will grow even larger and more awesome, and possibly take over your mind.


As hard as this is to believe, the belt has even more to offer in person, in that the back is snakeskin, the middle plate spins, and there will be additional plates to contain the names of champions in its final form.

We are not responsible if, for the rest of your life, you are silently disappointed by your vision, because it is not looking at this object.

(Two spots still open if YOU MUST POSSESS THIS...)

A-Rod Can't Carry Michelle Wie's Jock

MSNBC
Baseball is excelling, generating $6 billion in revenue last year. But its players are far from a hit off the field. When one looks at the top 10 endorsers in U.S. sports today, none play "America's pastime."

Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter would seem to be a marketer's dream team, but Michelle Wie, a teenage female golfer, hauls in about $6 million more in endorsements each year than the New York Yankee stars combined. And when one thinks of the great commercials of all-time involving athletes--such as Mean Joe Greene and Coca-Cola, or Michael Jordan and Larry Bird hoping to hit "nothing but net"--none star baseball players.

An influx of players from Japan, the Dominican Republic and elsewhere has caused the numbers of U.S.-born players to shrink. Many players from foreign lands grab marketing opportunities in their home countries, while their appeal to U.S. firms is not as strong. And the steroid scandal has also frightened companies away.

Here's the real reason why, folks... MLB no longer attracts enough people in the target 18-to-34 demographic. It doesn't because the games are too expensive, too many markets are non-competitive due to salary inequities, and hyper-organization, scholarship competitions and parental over-involvement have drained the lifeblood out of youth sports. That, and video games are a lot more fun.

Plus, um, Wie's a freak. A-Rod's just a good baseball player. And more than a bit of a tool...

Epic Drop: Top 10 Upcoming Celebrity Sports Contracts

Your list is here, and I suppose it's all well and good that the Yankees have gotten further in bed with Billy Crystal, given his reflexive Mickey Mantle pimping and all, but... doesn't it say something to the graying of the American sports fan that this was their big PR moment? And if you were Pirates pitcher Pat Maholm, weren't you in the least bit tempted to back him off the plate and make him soil himself? (If, for no other reason, "City Slickers 2.")

Finally, when can we expect similar experiences for NFL teams? I think we'd all like to see either Rush Limbaugh or Dennis Miller behind center for their beloved Pittsburgh Steelers. (And in my little fantasy, Brian Dawkins is coming on a safety blitz, and the offensive line doesn't seem all that interested in blocking him...)

Nimby Vice

I was reading the other day (yes, that again) a piece on the widespread introduction of casino gambling in the US by local governments... but when the final tally comes due, the studies seem to show that for every dollar the casinos bring to an area in construction and tourism, they cost another three, in increased costs for social services.

Now, I like going to a casino as much as the next guy. I'm happy to blow a weekend at a blackjack table, I host a local poker game, and fantasy sports are nothing but low-grade gambling with more opportunities for trash talk. From an eco-friendly standpoint, driving or flying less to gamble is also a win.

But when the money goes on the table, here's how you know that casinos are not nice things that should receive governmental enthusiasm as panaceas... because even the people who work as lobbyists for the industry blanch at the idea of having one in their neighborhood. (The same is true, but in spades, for Indian casinos.)

People without addiction problems don't tend to think about it, but gambling is a serious drain on the economy -- and makes no bones about it, they prey on repeat losers. Local repeat losers. Who then cost the community big, and slowly but surely drag the place down... and now that ride to Atlantic City that I haven't taken in the 18+ months since I've been back on the East Coast? It's looking longer every day.

Hmm...

You really shouldn't be able to win a game on the road when you don't score in the last 2:27.

Nor should you be able to pull off a road win against the #2 team in the conference, two days after never really being in it at home, against the #1 team.

Finally, there's no way you're going to pull off a win when you put the Pistons on the line in the fourth quarter. That's how Chauncey Billups and Rip Hamilton always close out games.

And yet, here are the Sixers, with a truly meaningful if not particularly attractive one-point win in Detroit. Give it up for shaky lead dog Andre Iguodala, who led the way with 22 points. But the real hero was Sam Dalembert shaking off a 3 for 9 night to contribute 15 boards, 2 steals and 3 blocks, along with yeoman defensive work. (Yeoman is one of those words that no one would know, if not for sports. Have you ever heard it attached to anything outside of the arena?)

I'm not sure exactly what was sprinkled on Sam's corn flakes, but he's been trying for well over a year now, starting back with the Iverson Emancipation. It's hard to completely get in his corner, given his erratic performances in the past, but he's averaging a double-double with over 2 blocks a game for the season. Heck, he's even getting to the line a few times a game, and cutting down the fouls and turnovers, despite increase minutes. With the departure of Shaq to parts west and Jermaine O'Neal to the recesses of his own anus, he's even... shudder... starting to get to the point where you have to consider him one of the best centers in the East.

If this is a preview of a first round series, you still go hard for the Pistons; after all, they have the experience, and it's not like they are going to go 65% from the line with ten misses very often. But the Andres seem to match up well with the Pistons guards, and the hometown heroes are now just three games under .500... and .500 gets you a playoff spot in the East with time off for good behavior. And maybe they'd be better off with Detroit, rather than Cleveland, Toronto or Orlando. (Yes, it's blasphemy. But not a terribly strong one, really.)

Post #900 is an Unwritten Rule of Epic Droposity

Your list of the top 12 unwritten rules of baseball is here, and if MLB ever wants to start making up ground on the NFL, they are just going to have to do more of this, really. A century ago, brawls were much more common, along with all kinds of cheap shots from infielders, vile chatter and racial slanders from the infielders and managers, crazed doctoring of baseballs, and more...

Fitzed

24 years old. A two-time Pro Bowl selection in four years in the league. 34 touchdowns in 60 games, with over 4,500 yards. And despite a long period of fevered longing, not an Eagle; not now, and most likely, not ever.

The other show dropped today, as Phoenix worked out a cap-saving deal to keep Pro Bowl WR Larry Fitzgerald in the fold. Speculation has been running for well over a week in the Philly precincts that the Cardinals were going to take the No Longer Good Enough For Us Platter of Lito Shepard and Reggie Brown for the rights to make Fitz wildly wealthy.

What we don't know, and never will, is whether or not the Cards would have pulled the trigger had the package been Sheldon Brown, or Kevin Curtis, or... shh... Donovan McNabb. I'd go farther into that, but it's not going to happen and I just made the blog read like sports talk radio, so I'm going to move on.

In an off-season where the Eagles' money wasn't green enough to get any of the WRs they might have been targeting (definitely Moss, probably Fitzy, and not so much for Berrian, Walker or Bruce)... well, this does take a little of the shine off the Samuel Clemons rose. It also doesn't seem like something they'd just take and pack a lunch over.

So, back to the next tier of guys that don't have to go anywhere, but might anyway... Roy Williams in Detroit, Torry Holt in St. Louis, and Chad Johnson in Cincy.

No one expects Reid to go down the Chad Path, given his past experience with Wideout Who Likes To Talk, not that I think that Johnson is anywhere close to the Great Satan that is TO. Holt may come cheaper than his name recognition, but he's older, can't stay healthy, and has never played outside a dome. I don't think they want him, and after letting Bruce go, the Rams probably aren't going to want to completely turn over the position. Which leaves Williams.

He's in the last year of his deal, and wants to get paid. He came close to saying he was out of there last year. Detroit has other WRs, and nothing else. If the Eagles came knocking with Shepard, Brown and a pick, that's an awful lot for a guy that might walk in a year, no matter what. (And let's face it, if the Lions belch up another double-digit loss year, he'd be crazy to stay.)

That's the good news. The bad news is that the Lions are, of course, fixated on WRs, and now that they finally have some, they probably won't just move them. They can franchise Williams. With Mike Martz's genius card being revoked, maybe Williams actually has some numbers this year, rather than running a lot of deep drag routes to clear the space for McDonald and Furrey. He's only had one really good year, his numbers may be inflated from playing in any number of pass-happy blowouts, and he hasn't always been healthy and a happy camper.

But well, he'd look a lot better to me than Reggie Brown. Maybe he makes the CBs better by giving them a Burress-esque WR to face every day in practice. And no, I'm not going to stop dreaming of Star WR in an Eagles uniform... or accept the idea that Kevin Curtis or Reggie Brown is that guy.

Kei Yankee

This is the living definition of an MLB+ team; the ability to take a $46 million flyer on a pitcher, and when he doesn't work out, stash him in AAA without the fan base even really thinking a second thought about it. Of course, when Carl Pavano is scheduled to make $10 million this year for throwing as many innings for the team as you and I will, eating bad contracts is something of an art form.

That would be the story of the New York Yankees and Kei Igawa, last year's Japanese import that thudded worse than the Matthew Broderick Godzilla film, with a 6.25 ERA... and with 14 games (12 starts) that only took up 67.2 innings, and a 1.67 WHIP. it's not like there was a bad outing or two that made the numbers look worse than they were. On the hill, he looked like a nibbler control pitcher with a telegraphed change-up, rather than a good strikeout option, which is what he projected from his past career in Japan.

In spring training this year, Igawa has thrown four scoreless innings, though the last outing was walk-filled and ugly. He's probably destined for AAA no matter what he does in camp, given how the Yankees have younger and more exciting options, April will probably only see work for him as a long man out of the bullpen, and they are going to want to see a lot more than a few good weeks to wash the taste of last year out of their mouth...

But well, this is the difference between the Yankees and (nearly) everyone else. If Igawa was in camp for more than 2/3rds of the teams in MLB, given the outlay, he'd have a starting job in a rotation, and in some places, maybe as the #3 starter. In the Bronx, he's a mystery to be considered later, and a possible ace in the hole.

Epic Drop: Top 12 Reasons Why The Warriors Renewed Don Nelson

The link is here, and for the record, I like NellieBall -- it's fun to watch, rewards passing and moving without the ball, and is extremely good for fantasy league players. But in the real world, where it's kind of nice to have the team you root for threaten to win a championship... well, um, Nellie doesn't get you there. Ever.

Because even in an era that favors the smaller players and encourages up-tempo, you still need to get defensive stops and key rebounds, and in 28 seasons and 18 trips to the post-season, he's never even gotten to the Finals. In only 4 of those seasons has he even gotten to the Final Four.

If you want to revive a moribund franchise, Nellie's your guy. If you don't have the bigs to compete and want to make sure your franchise sells some tickets, there's no better coach on the planet. Honestly. But if you want to win when it matters? Um, not so much. Sorry...

Let Me Earn My Street And Intellectual Cred By Discussing Television Shows

When I was growing up, if you wanted to impress someone with your intellect while watching television, you put on PBS and tried to look appreciative while people with British accents bored you senseless.

More importantly, you didn't try to impress them by watching television. Maybe, I don't know, you picked up a freaking book or magazine, or just gave up on the effort, since impressing people with your intellect is kind of like impressing women with your prowess in bed by dropping trou on the street -- it might work, but chances are, you're just going to look like a tool.

Lo, how the times have changed. Now, sports bloggers and writers feel compelled, for reasons that start at unfathomable and go straight to masturbatory, to tell you the music they are listening to. Or the coffee they are drinking. or their opinions on television shows that they have long ago shot past on the good old demographic scale.

To wit, if you are telling me how smoking hot some actress is, and you could have been having sex when she was born, this does not make you hip. or a man (and, yes, for this kind of wank, it's almost always a man) who is on the cutting edge of pop culture. It makes you a creepy statutory rapist wannabe who should really STFU, lest The Authorities decide that such a thing has now become criminally actionable.

More importantly, it makes you someone who is not providing sports content on what is purported to be a sports site. And well, the Web is filled to bursting with places that cover that form of timewaste.

And, well, if you must? GO WRITE FOR THOSE SITES. Start a side blog. Write under your wife's name (heh heh heh). Collect all of those little treasures, including your kid's field hockey moments and your hipster-certified music and your reality television problem and your relationship issues, and PUT THEM ALL SOMEWHERE ELSE. I have suggestions for locations, if you're stuck for one.

Because, well... when I want to read about sports, I'd like to read about sports. And not rants about people not writing about sports. (Oh. Wait. Crap...)

The NY Times Wants Your Kids To Be Fat And Lazy

New from the Gray Lady... stage mother and father parents are finding out that the athletic scholarships that they have been pimping their kids out for since they can walk are...

drum roll please...

Not terribly lucrative or worth the trouble!

You will pardon me here while I take a big ol' no-workout belly laugh at the expense of Win At All Costs And Don't Be A Child Until You're Of Legal Age America. (Land that I ex-ploit! Stand a-tree it / And free it / From the cash that it don't know how to spend...)

Anyhow... there's two competing agedas at work here.

1) The Times, as part of its 100% Eeee Vile Agenda for America, is doing everything it can to make sure that the parents of our children sleep in and make the little darlings forget their parent-induced dream of getting a free ride.

2) Colleges are money-grubbing corporate leeches that raise their tuition rates well in excess of any inflationary pressures, and need to be held in the same kind of regard as oil companies, baby seal hunters and lobbyists.

I'm going for... false choice, and A Pox On All Houses. Now, who's with me to roll back child labor laws, so my kids can start chipping in on this millstone that's coming down the path? This blogging ain't going to pay for more than Bottom Ramen, you know...

(Double) Epic Drop: Top 12 Lame Excuses To Skip Work For March Madness, and a Phillies Season Preview

Your link is here, and yes, there is ball-snipping involved. Let's face it, if you are ready to give up your boys just to get a few days of couch time... she's already got 'em, really. You won't feel a thing.

As for the Phillies preview, when the world gives you John Daly in spring training, you make... well, not quite lemonade. More like malt liquor that's been poured into a cup that used to have lemonade in it.

Epic Drop: Top 10 Points To Watch in Randy Johnson's First Spring Training Start

Your link is here, and I really do think he's going to get to 300 wins. Even last year, when he was limited to just 10 starts, he was sporting a healthy K/BB ratio and K/9 rate. So long as he doesn't suffer another debilitating back injury, 16 wins isn't much, and he's in the right league to get them.

But more importantly, here is the most meaningful memory any of us will ever have of him. (And I'm told that he's still bent out of shape for people thinking it's funny, but bending the Unit out of shape isn't hard, really.)

Fool's Gold

So the Big Story in the Association is a 7-point home win for the Suns, now 4-6 in the Shaq Era, over the rampaging Spurs. The loss was the Spurs second in a row after an 11-game winning streak, and was notable for Shaq's 14 points, 16 boards and downright hustle, including a dive into the stands that killed a family of four. The win did much to boost the Suns' playoff chances, pushing them back into contention for the 6 seed, which is going to be critical in the West, since the 7 and 8 seeds are going to have to deal with the Lakers or Spurs in the first round.

So all's right in Suns Land? Not really, no. They still needed a 14-2 burst at the close to get the win, don't have any kind of bench anymore (only 8 Suns played, and Gordon Giricek's 6 minutes really don't count that much), and it's not like you can count on the Spurs to shoot under 35% from the floor very often. Grant Hill's not going to go 9 for 13 from the floor too often, and when you outshoot the Spurs by 10+ percentage points and outrebound them by 8 at home... you really shouldn't need a huge fourth quarter to win.

Meanwhile in Milwaukee, the Little Team That Does (your Philadelphia 76ers) won its 12th out of its last 15 with a 22-point road win. The team shot 60% from the floor, with rookie Thaddeus Young leading seven players in double figures, with 22.

More importantly, it's getting them closer to a 6 seed, which would get them Orlando in the first round, rather than Detroit or Boston... and also gives them a 4-game lead over the 9 seed (currently, New Jersey). If Young and Dalembert (18 and 10 today, compared to Andrew Bogut's 1 and 2 -- yikes) want crush people up front, and Miller and Iggy want to be one of the best backcourts in the East... well, they still can't win because of the bad free throw and three-point shooting. Or can they?

Oh, and a word about the bottom edge of the East -- and that word is Putrid. Six out of the bottom seven are on long-term losing streaks, and if you add them up, it's 22 games and counting for the Nets, Bulls, Pacers, Bucks, Knicks and Heat. If this keeps up, the Bobcats (the only team not stinking up the joint right now) could put a scare into the Hawks, but meanwhile in the West, the Nuggets are out of the running. In the East, they'd be the 4 seed -- and a heck of a lot more intriguing than watching the Hawks get swept. Having a few teams at the top of the conference not stink ain't enough, people. (Of course, the NBA is too busy estorting arenas and fixing the Draft to make sure that tanking teams get bad picks to, um, fix the freaking unspeakably broken playoff system. But I digress.)

Is he Polish?

(And yes, this is just a transparent attempt to goad the Shooter Wife. As our two kids demonstrate, she's not only easy to trick, she's also easily invaded.)

Countdown to Backlash

In the first week of the 2007 NFL season, I took the Shooter Mom to Lambeau (she's a big Eagles fan, and has been since the 1960 championship team) for her birthday. We watched the Eagles gag away a road win against a Packers team that used two critical special teams turnovers and a pretty great defensive effort to get a close win. There were a couple of spectacular Favre escape moments in the game, but for the most part, the Eagles defense bottled him up, but didn't get the big turnover they needed. We also spent most of the game not worried about him, really. It was a lot like the last few years of playing the Pack.

When the starters on offense and defense were introduced, the cheering for Favre where we were -- 50 yard line by accident in the first half, 30 yard line in the second -- was the loudest of any starter... but it wasn't over the top. AJ Hawk and a rookie guard from Wisconsin both both a lot of love as well. And the general feeling in the crowd was that while this was Favre's team, it's not like they were blind to his flaws, and the hundreds of interceptions over the years.

Keep this in mind as you read stuff like Aaron Rodgers already puling in his boots over how he's not here to replace The Legend, or the speculation over how involved Favre might be in retirement.

Because, for better or worse, 17 years is an awfully long time to be an athlete in a town, and over that time, especially when you were as mistake-prone as Favre was... well, even in Nice Places like Green Bay (and the locals are very nice, actually), people develop grudges over athletes that lose games. And Favre lost a lot of them, especially in the playoffs, and especially in the last half of his career.

Now, will the Pack be better with Rodgers next year? Of course not. He's an inexperienced quarterback taking over for a team that got all of the breaks last year; he could play better than Favre and the team could still have a worse record.

But don't assume that he won't have the backing of the locals, because he will. When the other QBs on the roster are Craig Nall, Jerry Babb and Dalton Bell, you're going to get popular support. And maybe a lot more of it than anyone might anticipate. It just won't be from the sports media that has been giving mouth jobs to the Green Bay QB when it was Favre.

Grainy

There is a book review in this week's New Yorker on a criticism of perfume -- and yes, I do know this is a sports blog, and no, I'm not gay, and yes, taking this long to get to the point is bad writing -- that makes the point that much of what we think is taste, is actually smell.

The proof, of course, is that heavy smokers can more or less eat anything, which is why women smoke after sex. It's amazing what you can learn from the New Yorker. (And hey presto, so much for the gay.) But it does tend to beg the question of why dogs will eat anything.

Anyway... the nose is something that is cultivated over time. When you acquire a taste, in all likelihood, your nose learned something new. I think a corollary can be made about sports, which makes this the 8,234th thing that can be related to sports, but so be it.

If you're a sabermetric guy about baseball, you're basically a wine drinker in a beer bar. Eventually, you find a wine place to get your jones (or James) on, and if you get far enough into it, you become insufferable to the beer drinkers. And it's also, of course, a false choice to think you can't be both.

When you read stuff that, say, describes a certain kind of wine as "grainy", it doesn't seem possible or true, given that you are, well, describing a liquid. But then you taste something that actually is that way, and voila... grainy.

There's also a movement afoot that basically says that you can map smells out into a grid, and since the money involved in perfume is huge, you probably should. The counter to that is that smells and tastes are wildly complicated and subject to the inaccuracies of, being, well, meatbags.

And I'd talk more about this, but being meat myself... I'm probably not smart enough to go further into this. Moving on.

Now and forever, I own you

For some time now, Smoke Stewart has been calling Roger Clemens a punk... and as this photo and story show, the man's enjoying having the last laugh. Take a click, and you will too. Here's the money quote...

"The best thing Roger could've done is shut up and let it go away, and it would've gone away," Stewart said. "People want to believe everything Roger projects himself to be, and this would've blown over. Now if they find out he did HGH and steroids, he'll never go to the Hall of Fame and he'll be proven one big liar who tried to pull a scam on everybody."

If and when Clemens goes to jail, I think Smoke should get custody of his wife and kids, and post sex tapes of himself giving it to Debbie from behind. But then again, I've always dreamed big.

Houston, We Have A... 17 Game Winning Streak?

Um, will someone tell the Houston Rockets they can fall apart without Yao Ming already?

Tonight, the team that has no real point guard (unless you've got a jones for Rafer Alston), the starting center from before color television (WHO WANTS TO SEX MUTUMBO?), and a coach who is best known for perfecting playoff choke jobs (Rick Adelman)... won it's 17th straight game, and it's 5th without Yao, by 15 on the road in Dallas.

Along with furthering the idea that Dallas really isn't better with Jason Kidd, the win gave the Rockets the 7th-longest winning streak in NBA history. With a win over New Orleans on Saturday, they'd even have a top four slot in the West. Oh, and Dallas and Phoenix are now at the 6 and 7 seeds in the West, with Denver just 2 and 3.5 games away from bouncing their team from the 9 slot.

They're doing it with Tracy McGrady doing his Alpha Before Playoffs routine, very strong forward play from found money players like Luis Scola and Carl Landry, and even winning bench play from retread Bobby Jackson... which means that they're still likely to be a first-round loser. Heck, I'm not even sure that once they lose a game, they won't spiral all the way out of the playoffs. We are talking Mutumbo, Alston and Jackson, and even Luther Head, in the rotation. There's no earthly reason why they should be winning, let alone 17 in a row.

And when the story of the season is written, and people remember the Lakers going all the way, or the Spurs repeating, or LeBron and Kobe fighting for the position of best player alive... well, the only thing that will likely be remembered about this Rockets team is that Yao couldn't stay healthy again, and maybe never will. Which, given what they are doing in a hopelessly deep conference, is wrong and unfair.

I Am Trying To Break Your Heart

At some point, Unintentional Comedy will, I am sure, provoke a massive and violent public backlash. Irony and sarcasm will be exposed for the intellectual shorthand and zero-sum end game. Craft will come back, and maybe even earnestness.

And on that day, I'll stop throwing these little grenades your way.

But until then, um, enjoy. Yes, that's the verb I was looking for.





And since I'm going this far into the public service of providing media that is best used in case you have a very limited time left on this earth, and want to make each moment seem like an eternity... well, let's just roll out that favorite of my first wife. (No, I'm not kidding. She had issues.)



Now, that's comedy!

It Was All This Guy's Fault

Some surprise today from the Eagles cutting last year's big off-season prize, LB Takeo Spikes. Philly Fan is of three minds about this.

1) Don't let the door hit you on the way out. Instead, let us throw you through the window.

Spikes made $5 million a year and didn't make enough big plays, especially early in the season, when the team fell too far behind to make the final 4-game winning streak meaningless. His next playoff game will be his first. At least no one is puling for the return of Corey Simon... no, sorry, Darwin Walker. (Boy, when a defensive player leaves this team, it's next stop, Palookaville. Jeremiah Trotter didn't exactly set the world on fire in Tampa Bay, either.)

2) Quick, let's bury Andy Reid!

Even if you like the young LBs, it's crazy to go into the year without any experienced defensive players and leaders in the locker room. Other than the living and limping legend at safety (Brian Dawkins, naturally), there's not much here in the way of Veteran Leadership. Spikes may have been overpriced, but he can play, and the team is now an injury away from looking very skittish -- yet again -- at linebacker. Plus, there's no way that they are going to get a ready-to-play LB in the draft for this year. We're all doomed!

3) Where's that other shoe?

This is all just a precursor to the holy Larry Fitzgerald deal, or Roy Williams from the Lions, or... hell, I don't know, maybe they'll have even more money to have Randy Moss refuse. Maybe they are looking to extend all of the non-Samuel cornerbacks, so that they can have a dominant nickel back defense. Brian Westbrook needs an extension. Heck, maybe they need to lock down Sav Rocca. Or just have a ton of cash under the cap, like always, just to make Eagles fans to tear out their hair.

All that we know tonight, of course, is that Spikes takes his remarkable lack of playoff experience with him, and that every Do Something free agency signing isn't a win. Maybe he can compare notes with Mark Simoneau or Trotter or Dhani Jones on where it all went wrong, or why this franchise just can't seem to get production from the LBs.

Oh, and someone else on the team needs to step up and take the mantle of Bizarre Hat Guy. Once again, the choice is Sav Rocca, who needs to work out something Australian / Aboriginal / Dingo Pelt-ish. The team is counting on you, Sav!

Epic Drop: Top 11 Signs That The Favre Retirement Coverage Has Been Overblown

Your list is here, and seriously... I've been in a work related bunker for most of the past two days. I'm as neutral on Favre as you can get; I enjoyed watching him play, but refuse to soft-pedal the game-losing mistakes, the Vicodin abuse, or the continual look-at-me speculation of the last five years on whether or not the man was going to continue to come to work.

And with March Madness still some days away (once again, my knowledge of college sports is vast and intense), it's not going to go away.

Where's Pac Man Jones when we need him?

Third Cousin of Awful (But Topical) Fantasy Baseball Team Names

As always, all of these fit within the 20 character Yahoo Sports limit.

There Will Be Dingers

Jesse Levis Scouting

The Team To Beat

Yes We Can

Joba Rules I Drool

What Would Curt Do?

Fighting Indictments

Writers Strikes

New Arena Or Move

Brokered Conventions

Las Vegas Needles

The Team For Change

The Salisbury Brand

Put Elijah Dukes Up

No Team For Old Men

Twice The Epic-Ness In This Drop

There are two, two, two posts over at the Carnival today -- one a fairly longish piece that's an A's season preview, and the other a naked plea / taunt list about how I can dork you under the table in running a fantasy league. Plus, hey presto, a Gary Gygax reference!

Politics and Sports

Yes, I know, they don't go together. But after last night's results, the thought of 2 more months or more of continued coverage of this Democratic race has me banging my head against the desk. Looking at Obama brought back memories of another skinny black man with ears that stick out. A man that also dared to dream big, mostly about Tyra Banks. Lil Penny.

I found this old clip of Lil Penny talking politics. It's amazing to me that 10-15 years ago Hardaway and Griffey were kings of the advertising world - heck even Nick Anderson gets some play here. So take a minute away from Obama-Clinton Watch 2008 and check out this old campaign message.




And a bonus clip of Lil Penny in my personal favorite talking about KG and Los Lobos.

Boring, Meaningless, and On Notice

Elsewhere in the Blog O Sphere, the proprietor of Fire George Karl.com has possibly received a threatening letter from Karl's lawyer. Here's the money quote:

Is your life really this boring and meaningless that you would spend the hours necessary to create such a website?

As Coach Karl's counsel I am putting you on notice that I will sue you into bankruptcy should you cross the boundaries of permissible speech.

Now that we've had the wind-up, here's the gist...

Of course our lives as sports bloggers are boring and meaningless. We are people who spend too much time thinking about sports, then writing about it. The most popular among us get to do it for a living, while the others make little or nothing from it. We provide content about a huge business that milks its customers dry, moves its franchises in a never-ending search for taxpayer arena paydays, makes us endure braying jackassery, and has political leanings that do not reflect the vast majority of its audience. If major sports leagues were run without monopolistic protections, we'd all be shopping elsewhere, at least often enough to keep them competitive.

And, more importantly, so what?

Watching sports is a mixed bag, a choice of the lesser of two evils -- evil one being the support of these folks and the time and expense, and evil two being a life without the transcendent moments that sports brings. So, for that matter, is brushing your teeth, going to work, voting, buying gas, doing the dishes or the vast majority of actions that grown-ups get to / have to perform on a daily basis.

And blogging about sports... is just like watching them, really.

So, on the off chance that Mr. Karl's lawyer is actually Mr. Karl's lawyer, and people actually wonder why bloggers exist to do the strange and remarkable activity of calling out a bad coaching job with a URL and posts... um, because we choose to. Plus, hey presto, the remnants of a Constitution allow you to do it and all!

And it's as boring and meaningless as watching reality television, reading a book, playing music or being a hack lawyer. Look into the abyss, and make up your own story. The abyss won't much care.

Epic Drop: Top 14 Developments from the Favre Retirement

The link is here, and I have to say, it was a hard call to go with a Favre column today. There were just so many other options to talk about, you know? It's almost as if the guy chose a particularly dead time in sports to get attention. But how could being the focus of attention factor into his decision-making?

But... but... who will throw the game-losing playoff interception now?

Along the lines of Rasputin Thomas in the Stop Me If You've Heard This One Before... NFL.com and the Lemur are reporting that Brett Favre is retiring.

So his last pass in the league was the one that doomed the Pack to a NFC Conference Championship loss at home. Somehow, one suspects this won't be the prevailing memory. Put on your hip waders, folks, because there's 200 column inches of Peter King eulogy and a John Madden blubber-a-thon that's coming at you like a runaway freight train...

It Had To Be Done...

Is today the day?

More speculation that Rasputin Thomas may have authored his last groaner for your New York Knickerbockers. But whenever I read stuff like this, I can't help but feel like it's a newspaper obit file for some old celebrity -- it's just on file at any time, with minimal name changes necessary to make the story over-fresh and ready to roll.

Seriously, what could you say in regards to Thomas getting the perp walk that you couldn't have said, oh, three to four years -- or even three to four jobs -- ago? He's the George Bush (the Younger, naturally) of major sports executives. His career path and public trajectory makes Ralph Nader's look sexy? He's only managed to cling to power through an accumulation of dead bodies in his crawl space? Give me something new here, people.

(Oh, and Knick Fan who is prone to some sad Charlie Brown with the football level of hope with the departure of Zeke? You felt the same way when he got you Zach Randolph, didn't you? And also this -- Randolph hasn't even gone crazy in Manhattan yet. In many ways, the year you have gotten from him has been the *best* case scenario. And your owner is still the guy who has put up with Thomas all these years. Now, put your head back in the oven and continue moaning.)

On the off chance that Thomas is no longer with us, I'd like to extend my personal moment of thanks for all the good times he's given me in the past decade. Zeke, we've never been close -- as a diehard Sixers fan who also, you know, didn't want basketball to turn into complete goonery, I hated you as a player, too. But I can't deny that whenever I was feeling tapped for blogging content, you were always there for me. Whether it was pointless hard fouls that ruined the Denver franchise, sex scandals that shocked the imagination of anyone with any sense of public relations, press conferences that made Baghdad Bob give you the slow clap or personnel moves that started with charity and ended with insanity... you were always there for me. I don't know how I'm going to fill this blog without you man.

(Dammit, I told myself I wasn't going to cry.)

Godspeed, Zeke. And I hope I'm writing this obituary next year, and the year after that...

Semi-Profitable

The Will Ferrell Comedy Machine hit a snag this weekend, as his ABA-inspired comedy did only $15.3 million in business. That compares to $47 million for his NASCAR film, and $33 million for his figure skating one.

I'd name these movies, but what's the point? As Colonel Tom Parker once said about Elvis movies, they don't need names, just numbers.

Analysts cited the R rating and the poor opening weeked choice (this time of year isn't prone to blockbusters, unless you've got "300" style ass-kicking) as factors in the film's downslide... but this seemed to miss two points for me.

1) Doesn't seeing the same film three times start to, you know, cull the herd a bit after a while?, and

2) Maybe it's because basketball isn't as popular in the mainstream as either of those other sports? Basketball, especially pro basketball, is like jazz. You either get it or you don't, you find yourself identifying far too much with Woody Allen, you dress oddly and keep assuming that if people would only watch/listen, the scales would fall from their eyes, and... oh, forget it. Peasants.

And yes, I realize that the sport of choice isn't really the driver in these things, but, um, still. Your outraged defense of Ferrell and his oeuvre in the comments, please. Just don't point out that the guy making twisted testicle jokes doesn't have extra stones to throw in the suburb of hacks who live in glass houses. Because that would be, you know, terrible writing.

Epic Drop: Top 10 Cheap Punchlines for the Felix Pie Injury

Your link is here, and the fact that it happened to a Cub? I'm just sorry the Truth didn't get to this, um, little nugget of joy first. It's Christmas in March, buddy!

A Whole New Treadmill

On Saturday night, the Sixers did something they haven't done in six years -- and if you guessed "win a meaningful game", you're close. They beat the Suns in Phoenix, 119 to 114.

Now, Phoenix does look like a different (and much worse) team since the Shaq trade... but my hometown heroes continue to make hay from the backcourt. Andre Igoudala had 32, while Andre Miller had 25 and 13 assists. The other big key to the win was forcing 18 turnovers, which let the Sixers score in transition -- which, given their 95 points per game average, is absolutely crucial for this squad. In the half court, only the guards can create their own shot, and everyone is turnover-prone, especially Iguodala. Plus, you can foul them with impunity.

Coming on the heels of a "there they go again" trashing at the hands of those go-go Warriors, it was big... and with the surprising Rockets continuing to win even in the post-Yao era, it might even point to a Suns-less post-season. Suddenly, this team looks far from fast, and with absolute defensive sieves all over the place (Nash and Hill are willing but unable, Stoudemire, Diaw and Barbosa are neither willing nor able, which leaves an awful lot on the table for Bell and Shaq to try to cover), not being fast enough to outscore the opponent makes them just look like a poor man's... Raptors. Eeek.

There are, of course, two worrisome points that will prevent anyone in town from gettig too excited about the idea of a first round upset over Boston, Detroit or Orlando. The first is that they've suddenly become terrible from the free throw line, led by the slumping Iguodala. Maybe it's fatigue (he's playing 39.3 minutes per game), or maybe it's just teams really keying on him, and making him work at both ends of the floor. (Plus, um, he's really not a #1 player on a good team. But I digress.) In any event, he's shooting from the line for the worst numbers of his career, including a 60% mark for February. At 6+ attempts a game, that's not good. Add in the Shaq-esque 43.5% from starting power forward Reggie Evans, it's just a bad team from the charity stripe -- 70% for the year, worst in the league. That's a five to ten point hole every night they have to overcome, as their opponents shoot 77%.

The second problem is the franchise DNA-level problem of shooting three pointers. Ever since the Kyle Korver trade, they've been much better defensively, but when you need a long ball, your choices are slim, none, and brick city. There's just something about this laundry that has always prevented triples from falling easily. Once again, they are last in the NBA by the numbers, at 31.4%. The opponent shoots 35.8%.

Only a heartless bastard, of course, would note that the Sixers have shuffled the personnel deck to have an aging point guard lead them into a low-tier playoff spot where they will be easily bounced -- you know, just like the post-2000 AI1 Era. But at least this time, we hope, the GM doesn't eat paste. (At $200 bucks a bottle.)

Epic Drop: Top 10 Unfortunate Fantasy Baseball Team Names

The list is here, and yes, I live to provide you with fantasy team names that I really hope that you don't use. It's my niche, dammit, and Chuck Cockblauch is my gift to the world. (Yes, indeed, the world.)

Samuel Clemons

It's just a vowel off from Mark Twain's pen name, you see, so there's got to be a whole big blog post riffing off Huck Finn and I could live a month on a compliment and Congress is the opposite of Progress and... (crickets chirping, Krusty the Clown groan)

But, um, wow. (The Eagles just signed Raiders LB/DE/Guy Who Make The QB Fall Down Chris Clemons, a day after inking All-Pro Patriots CB Asante Sameul.) Folks, if I had known that the power of Morris Day and the Time were all that was needed to get the Eagles off their historic free agent ass and in the game, I'd have been filling this blog with The Bird and Oak Tree for months. Who knew Cap'n Andy just needed some Jungle Love?



The only knock that the world might have on Samuel is that When It Counted in the Super Bowl, he didn't come up with the pick on the last drive that would have sealed it, and that his guy (Plax Burress, naturally) made the touchdown catch that lost the game for the third-best 18-1 team ever. (In that there were, um, three 18-1 teams.) He's also 5'-10" and 185 in the official bio, which doesn't exactly inspire confidence in a division where two out of three opponents have physically imposing #1 wideouts (Giants and Cowboys with Owens, of course), and if you really want to see life through piss-colored glasses, the contract is a mite large (6 years, $57 million).

But he, um, makes interceptions -- 16 in the past two years, which I'm fairly sure is more than the rest of the Eagles' entire team for the past decade. (Sure, prove me wrong.) The contract is the going rate for a top corner. He's got two Super Bowl rings. For the first 58 minutes of that Super Bowl, Plax Burress was getting the Freddie Mitchell Award for his utter lack of an impact in that game. He's 27 years old, which means the Eagles should be getting the best 2-3 years of his career starting right about now. And he gives them two great options -- keep Lito Sheppard and have a potentially dominant nickel back in an era of the NFL in an era of the NFL when that's absolutely critical, or trade him for a need (Arizona for your old pal Fitzy, please).

As for Clemons, he looks like just the right kind of FA signing -- didn't break the bank (he's getting Juqua Thomas money), young and possibly emerging, from a team (the Raiders) that usually makes howlingly bad decisions in who to keep in the off-season. (Randy Moss is on line two. Laughing.) He's also probably the best (relatively) cheap source of sacks available this off-season, and he'll help to keep Trent Cole fresh. He's no Seth Joyner, but he's no Dhani Jones, either. He's here to make QBs Fall Down, not write poetry and get beaten like a Bengal in coverage.

Now, of course, there's no possible way that the team goes out and gets a big-time WR as well, because this is, after all, the Eagles we're talking about here. All Eagles fans need to sit back and be content with these two players, because that's all we're getting, no way, no how. You can just put all of those dreams of Plus Wideout right out of your head right now. Period. End of statement. Andy would never, ever, make me pull a third Time video, on account of how he's a big wuss ever since the Owens Tragedy, and doesn't have the stones to put up with a top talent at the position.

(Too blatant? Nah.)

Rocket Glare

Hey, who would have thunk that a hideously long and large personal services contract to a guy who had spent his entire career chasing dollars like a Thai prostitute might have been a bad idea?

You've got to hand it the Astros and Drayton McLane, who said on Friday that he will honor the 10-year (ten? good grief) personal services contract despite, you know, having his spring training camp tured into a media sideshow by the presence of an (ALLEGED) federal perjurer and substance abuser.

Somewhere, Craig Biggio and Jeff Bagwell are wondering what they needed to do to get this kind of sweetheart deal. Maybe slug a cop, or run a sweatshop?

There is also, um, this... what exactly qualifies the Rocket as a good influence for your young players? What can he teach them, other than that chemicals are a fine thing for preserving your career so long as you don't get caught, and that throwing your teammates under a bus for more money is a big win, and that Mike Piazza is just the kind of guy that you can throw bat shards at if he's taking you deep?

Pencil me in as something of a skeptic for the 'Stros doing much, so long as the owner thinks that sniffing Rocket jock is how he wants to spend spring training. Even in a division where the competition is the always doomed Cubs, the genuinely mediocre Brewers, and the chewing gum and tin foil Cardinals.

But it's all ok, you see, because McLane knows that "Roger is a good person." Sure he is, chief. And not a perjurer and a cheat, or a ridiculously unnecessary distraction. And in other news, Drayton McLane is not getting taken to the cleaners, and Astros Fan is not getting hosed.

Exchange Rate

Note, with interest, this piece in the NY Times this week -- and for non-clickers or people who don't want to give up their info to the Gray Lady, the gist is that Russian stars from the world of hockey are going home to a resurgent pro Russian league. It's flush with petro dollars, of course, but still not quite up to NHL salary levels... but give it time, folks. If oil goes from it's current $100 a barrel to $120 and $150, there's no reason why a league like this can't step up the money enough to not only keep and bring back folks who are from that part of the world, but also to attract others.

And it won't be just because athletes are money-grubbing so-and-sos that don't care about the fas, but that they have limited windows of opportunity to make a buck. They're also already prepared to sacrifice living where they'd choose thanks to the draft and player movement, and that's another trend that fans in this country have been taking advantage of for a while. What's the difference in playing in Kiev for a basketball player from Miami, as opposed to playing in Minnesota, other than the length of the plane ride?

Six weeks ago for the Carnival, I wrote a list of the white elephants in the room of sports. Scattered amidst the steroid and media complaints was this...

4. A continued devaluation of the American dollar will make the acquisition and display of top-tier talent in baseball, basketball, soccer, hockey, golf and tennis much less common

Other than being off on the cause and a little shocked by the speed, here it is. Because globalism isn't just something that can take away manufacturing jobs from one nation and move it to another... it's also something that can make a Canadian or American hockey player today, or a basketball player in a few years, decide that they'd rather take the cash than stay in their home country, even if it pisses some people off in their home country.

You know, like what has been happening to the benefit of North American audiences for the past 20 years.

Go Home, And Don't Eat

Part 87 of the infinite-long series in which I turn into a bitter old man... Um, something needs to be done about this whole Talentless People Make Fools Of Themselves and Are Encouraged To Do So Movement.

The latest installment is the Florida Marlins transparent attempt to increase their attendance, paid or otherwise, into the teens for this next season by encouraging fat guys to dance at their games.

At some point, Unintentional Comedy starts to soften your brain, I think. It's like relentless sarcasm or cynicism or snark, or reading hate-filled blogs or writing...

Um, forget I said anything. Go, fat guy dancers, go!