Epic Drop: Top 10 Things I've Learned As A Carnie

Your list is here, and there's not much I'm going to be say about it, other than I'm clearly a fan of what Anonymous' father does to him. You've got to admire that kind of commitment.

We Will Never Forget The Horror Of One Thirty One

In my home town of Philadelphia, we have bombed our own residents, assaulted a drunken and abusive Santa Claus, fired off flare guns at Eagles games, cheered when Michael Irvin appeared to be paralyzed, threw batteries at JD Drew, and booed the very best players for our teams without discretion or sense.

On the other hand, we never went into a million-dollar pants-wetting Fox News Panic over LED signs. Game Over For Infinity.

Congratulations, Boston, for commemorating the first anniversary of One Thirty One, an event that the rest of the nation will remember with fondness, long after your sports teams have faded into obscurity.

Because while there are plenty of teams that will win the big game, there's only one town that welcomed its new Alien Overlords from the Moon. Congratulations!

The Super Pick

New England is a 12 point favorite, down from 14 at the open. The over/under is 54, down from 55.

Having already made fun of this kind of thing earlier this week at the Carnival, shamed by my sub-.500 prognostication record, and embittered by a matchup that's had me rooting for Bruce Dern in a blimp, injuries and pestilence... well, dammit, there's been 265 picks this year up to now, so let's just get this over the finish line, shall we?

There's basically two ways to go on this pick.

1) Tight game. Here, what you've got going for you is the last two months of Patriot football, where Brady hasn't protected the ball to his previous levels, the linebackers and safeties have given up a lot to tight ends and running backs in the middle, the special teams haven't made the back-breaking plays and Lawrence Maroney has been more important to the offense than Randy Moss. You are also betting on the idea that Eli Manning and the Giants have momentum, a good running game, and a pass rush that will give the Patriots enough long third downs to get off the field, keeping them under 30 points.

There are four problems with this theory.

a) Belichick has had two weeks to plan for Tom Coughlin. What was normally a small advantage just got larger.

b) Eli Manning doesn't do well with odd-man blitzes, and the single best thing this Patriot defense does is get heat that way. Rodney Harrison may be one of the dirtiest players in the NFL, good for at least one boneheaded penalty per game, and if he played for the Giants, Patriot Fan would want him tried for war crimes. He also gets to the QB nearly every time he's sent.

c) Super Bowls tend toward bad game blowouts, though that trend has not shown up very often recently.

d) The Giants' secondary has done an admirable job in covering for its safe spots, mostly due to the pressure of the front line. But they've also played three playoff games against QBs that all played their worst game of the season against them. That's not all coincidence, but rolling craps four times in a row is hard to do, and every observer of those Giants playoff games have talked about how there have been opportunities downfield for the opposition. Translation: Guys Are Wide Open.

2) Blowout. If you're going with a blowout, you're picking the favorites; no one, short of a tremendously myopic Giants Fan, thinks that Blue will win in a walk. With this option, you're thinking the early-season good-weather Patriot offense will show up... in a warm-weather stadium in Arizona. You've also got the strong likelihood of a bounce-back game from Brady, who did throw three picks against the Chargers, and the G-Men being concerned enough about Maroney to risk playing off Moss a little more than the Jaguars and Chargers did. You're also gambling that Manning will turn back into the QB that looked like a legacy pick up until December of 2007.

The troubles with this theory are:

a) Karma. From the Boston Globe letting you pre-order a book celebrating the Perfect Season to the Brady Boot questions, from Spygate to Moss And Battery, you're throwing your money on a big cover win from a team whose public approval ratings have more or less mirrored the Bush Administration. Patriot Act, indeed.

b) Recency. The Patriots have played the last two months with a growing stick up their ass -- there's just been less of the run-it-up gadgetry, LBs in the backfield, reverse and other stuff going on. Teams have been making them dink and dunk, which they've happily done... but that kind of thing doesn't usually create the 40+ point output that causes easy covers.

c) Special teams. The Giants have a reasonable edge here, especially if Feagles and Tynes don't spit the bit like they did in the sub-zero cold of Green Bay. The Pats will need to go farther, and take more time to do it.

d) As 12.5 point favorites that are going for perfection, against a #5 seed that hasn't been here before, the Giants are as loose as a SB team can be. If the game isn't a blowout in the second quarter, it's not going to be a blowout later.

Having said all that... I just think the Pats are going to score in the red zone all day in good weather, and that they are just not going to be denied. I'm also, of course, betting the opposite of what I'm rooting for, if only because the Giants made TO cry.

Patriots 35, Giants 20... which is the Pats plus the OVER. Your MVP, with 3 TDs from short range and over 100 yards on the day, is Lawrence Maroney.

Epic Drop: Top X Reasons Why The NFL Needs To Be Taken Down A Peg

Your list is here, and it's the first one ever to use roman numerals. (By the way, did you know that our current system of numerology was introduced to Europeans by the invading Muslims in the middle ages? Just something to keep it mind if some bigot goes off on Islam.

Well, damn.

Having read this, I've lost all will to blog. For a good couple of hours.

Epic Drop: Top 10 Blogger Lay Up Post Topics For Super Bowl Week

Your list is here, and consider this one a public service for all of the other bloggers out there that are hurting for stuff to write about this week.

(Not me, though. I'm actually hurting for time to write in the first place... Besides, there's all that stuff I wrote over the weekend. Go read that already, you relentless reading machines.)

Epic Drop: Top 12 Explanations for Daniel Snyder's Coaching Shenanigans

Your link is here, and I'd say more, but I'm on a borrowed computer and yada yada yada. Click, enjoy.

The Government Wants To Ruin The Perfection That Is MLB

This will probably piss some of you off, in that I go all Devil's Advocate-y and argue for government interaction in sports (or, at least, point out how MLB has screwed the pooch so badly that they deserve it). (And before you ask, yes, I do loves me some Hugo Chavez / Vladdy Lenin / Denny Kucinich / Any Other Freaky Leftist you'd like to list, Hate America, Eat Puppies and Burn Flags at Gay Weddings In Paganish orgies. It's a wonder I can keep up with all of the Kollektiv's activities!)

The full discussion is over at the Carnival, but here's my contribution to it, just so you can't avoid it:

"Given the current situation with Major League Baseball, do you think it's appropriate for the government to get involved in professional sports?"

DMtShooter, Five Tool Tool...
MLB as a current institution monopolizes professional baseball for the entire country. There is no free market system by which, say, an up and coming metropolis like Las Vegas or Portland could get a team without decades of legal wrangling and heartache, and another city's fans getting jobbed over in the process.

That's not a free market, and government isn't involved in that decision at all, other than to give MLB the green light to do just that with the anti-trust exemption. MLB also fails to share its revenue or cap its salaries in a way in which teams from MLB+ (i.e., Boston, New York, Chicago and Los Angeles) do not have an incredible, and eventually ruinous, competitive advantage (witness Japan, aka the supplemental farm system for the rich).

True, small market teams can have their brief windows of excitement, but why should anyone choose to be a Twins, Tribe, A's or Marlins fan, knowing that all of the good players will be shipped out as soon as you actually know their names? (Note: I am an A's fan. And bitter...)

MLB also played ostrich with performance enhancers, selling out the long-term integrity of the sport for a few years of homer-fueled attendance.

Their Hall of Fame kept Buck O'Neill out and dozens of forgettable mediocrities in. The worst commissioner in the history of the sport will have the longest tenure. And finally, the leagues don't play by the same freaking rules. DH or no DH; pick and be done with it, for heaven's sakes. It's only been 35 years.

What, exactly, could the government do that's worse than this performance? (... this is a rhetorical question. I'm very aware of Katrina, Iraq, Plamegate, Bin Laden being alive and the dozens of other litanies from the past few years. Besides, we're talking more about Congress than the Executive Branch getting involved here, or at least threatening to get involved.)

And for every knee-jerk libertarian who wants to denigrate any act of government, I'm sorry that you Hate Our Troops. I also hope that you refuse to use any of those evil government roads, electrical grids, telecommunications or plumbing systems.

It's also implicit that you let yourself be indicted by a grand jury, since government lawyers are part of the government, and therefore must not be able to do anything. It's OK if you're convicted, though, since government jails are ran by government guards, so you'll probably be able to escape just by challenging them to a game of hide and go seek (we now return you to your regularly scheduled rant that relates to sports).

Government interaction is a lot like a labor union -- if your corporation was so badly run, so abusive to its workers, or violated so many laws that you've got one, you probably freaking deserve it. Besides, you know who'd really hate Congress getting involved in MLB? Baseball owners and the baseball union. Both of which are, um, loathsome scumbags that make decent people spit. So why not wish another pox on their house?

(End of drop. Comment here, there, or anywhere, really. I'll be in the back with all of my other commie buddies, figuring out how to take away your guns.)

Epic Drop: Top 10 Reasons Why LeBron Is Better Than Kobe

Yes, you probably didn't even know this was a debate, but you also probably didn't catch the ABC mouth job for the Mamba this afternoon. Scoreboard says... Cavs won on the road, and Kobe's checking Andrew Bynum's status to see if he should pule for another trade request. Give me the younger, bigger, stronger, less crazy guy, please.

This one goes out to all of the non-Massterminds out there

We're not unreasonable. I mean, no one's going to eat your eyes.

Doing, Not Watching

Last Friday night, I was fortunate enough to put together the first of what I'm hoping will be a long series of poker nights in the Man Space. We had seven men good and true, played for moderate stakes, and everyone seemed to have a good time; the game lasted four hours. I hadn't played for over a decade, since before the Poker Boom, and we split the night up with the dealer calling the hand, rather than getting into nonstop hold'em and hardcore machismo. (I imposed a buy-in and maximum bet limit, so that no one got really hurt or crazed.)

While writing the next day, I flicked on one of the dozen-odd late-night poker shows in the background to see if I'd catch any pointers... and I can't, for the life of me, see the reason why anyone watches these things. It's not like golf, where I can really admire people who are clearly better than me -- I'm sure all of these players are better than me, but determining that from watching a few drawn-out hands is impossible.

It was more this: why would you watch someone doing a fun thing, rather than go do the fun thing yourself? If I'm in the mood to learn about poker and play a few hands, you go grab a computer and get to it. Watching other people, that you do not know, play cards is right up there with watching people knit.

(Final point: if you're local to NJ, not an ass, and want to waste some time, send an email to dmt shooter at gmail dot com. There might be a chair or two free from time to time.)

Number Three With A Vengeance

On the off chance that the reader is led to think that the NBA might be ready to jostle MLB for the spot of Bestus Little Brother to the all-encompassing monster that is the NFL... read this little piece in the NYT about the Sonics and their probable last season in Seattle.

In it, coach/scapegoat PJ Carlesimo "shakes his head" when driving past the Mariners' Safeco Field and the Seahawks' Qwest Field, two of the best stadiums in the country, and wonders why his team has to suffer the indignities of Key Arena. To answer that question, the following points.

1) Why is it always about a new arena for sports team owners? Why can't local taxpayers just pay them the money directly, every year, in an interest-bearing account -- since there is no freaking difference, other than an efficiency in the transaction? Perhaps the team could just also send around large men to collect the money, for that personal touch. Call it Team Insurance. Bad things happen to teams and fans that don't have Insurance.

2) In recent court documents, the Sonics produced a survey that showed showed 66 percent of respondents said the team’s leaving (for Oklahoma City, where the team's new owners reside) would make "no difference in their lives."

Hey, since when is that admissible? The Sixers could probably get that number to 90. Knick Fans, so long as Isiah and the Dolans are involved, might break 100% by offering to help them pack. Many Clipper season ticket holders are still not sure why the Lakers are wearing those funny uniforms, and why the celebrity count isn't as high as it used to be at the games. This is a bad road for the NBA to take.

3) David Stern told reporters in November that Settle would not get another NBA franchise should the Sonics leave. One assumes this is a valid threat, since without a team, the city isn't going to go about building an arena.

Now, Stern has to say that to try to leverage the city, but I'm not exactly sure why the league is willing to throw away a relationship with a growing and vibrant Pacific Rim city, especially with the league's success in drawing talent and interest from China, in order to establish a bigger toehold in middle America.

Then again, maybe the league just thinks it's better off playing in cities like Portland, Sacramento, San Antonio. Orlando and Oakland (I keed, I keed.... kind of) that have no NFL or MLB franchise. That way, they ensure a more dedicated fan base. Unfortunately, that logic doesn't seem to be doing much to fill the seats in one-team towns like Memphis, New Orleans and Atlanta (oh, the keeding will not stop). It also means the league will go under as soon as the NFL wakes up and launches a domestic spring league, the way that the market for football absolutely demands.

But in the short run, please note that no NFL team is having issues like this one... and MLB, for all of its constant rogering of the small markets, doesn't have an issue of team owners buying in to just try to move a franchise at their earliest opportunity. Which makes the NBA the third major league, despite a salary cap that makes sense and allows small and large market teams to compete equally, and the largest talent base of any US league.

And finally, this -- when, oh when, will some league finally break down and pluck the low-hanging fruit that is Las Vegas?

Wouldn't you drink, too?

In Bloomington, Illinois tonight, according to Yahoo Sports, Isiah Thomas's kid was arrested for underaged drinking and disorderly conduct. They nabbed him in a hospital, it seems, after Some Fisticuffs in a townie bar.

High on the list of questions the cops should have asked...

1) Was the guy that punched you trying to drive the lane for a layup in a blowout win?

2) When you shouted obscenities at the cops before they decided to arrest you, were you just following the same instincts that caused your dad to sign Mailk Rose and Jerome James?

3) Since the Knicks have said that your father would have no comment, would you now like to sign the petition for him to be fired?

4) Does your problem with alcohol relate to the fact that Jordan's kid plays for Illinois, or from your dad turning his Hall of Fame playing career into a Unabomber-esque taint from which no creature is likely to escape?

5) Have you negotiated for a buyout from your family yet?

The Prodigal Nellie Big Man Returns

Word in the blogosphere is that Chris Webber, currently collecting a ridiculous amount of money in the final year of that Maloofian Monstrosity of a contract that Billy King just had to have on the Sixers, may sign with the Don Nelson Warriors.

No, seriously. (Yes, I know, it took me a while to stop giggling, too.)

From the Contra Costa Times, which sounds like a minor paper to Eastern eyes, but is actually something of a leader out in the Bay Area, especially when it comes to sports...

Two team officials confirmed that the Warriors are in discussions with Webber, who played his rookie season with the Warriors in 1993-94. There is some belief the two parties are close to an agreement.

A different source confirmed that Webber and Warriors coach Don Nelson, who separated on bad terms in 1994, have talked in an attempt to put the past behind them. Warriors executive vice president of basketball operations Chris Mullin has said a big man is on his wish list.

So let's get this straight... two guys that more or less destroyed the franchise nearly 15 years ago are going to reunite. They both have outsized egos, questionable commitments to the defensive skills or commitment that actually wins basketball games, and a need to be seen as The Reason Why The Team Is Winning. We're going to add that to a mixture that has Baron Davis, who's great but fragile, and the legitimate insanity that is Stephen Jackson.

By bringing C-Webb in, we'll also retard the development of Andris Biedrins, the W's current big man who might actually have some interest in playing defense. We'll also mess with the head of Al Harrington, who has given them some decent bench production against strong odds that he'd pout, and utterly destroy them defensively, just as he did to the Pistons last year. And these are the Nellie Warriors, so it's not like there is defense to burn here.

Finally, there is this -- um, Webb would be a fine basketball player in a wheelchair league. With slow chairs. He can not run. He can not jump. His playoff record is nearly as bad as Nellie's. Other than that, how did you like the play, Mrs. Lincoln?

I realize this just sounds like the bitterness of an ex-Sixers fan here, but didn't they trade Jason Richardson for Brandan Wright, and draft Patrick O'Bryant in the first round, for some kind of actual reason? Or is Nellie just trying to orchestrate the exact same screw job as 1994, so he can feel young again?

You do not have an answer for the triple decker pecker wrecker

UFC 75 - Unacceptable

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No one does.

Common Site Questions

I've been in one of those cycles were people feel compelled to ask me questions about the blog, and repeating myself is boring. So here's the recent FAQ, in print form, so that I can just point people to the site and go back to being breathtakingly antisocial.

1) "How many T-shirts do you sell, anyway"

Who are you, the IRS? Not enough. Buy some. They make tits on a girl look big, and tits on a boy look small. It's freaking magic. Buy extras.

2) "What's your posting schedule?"

The Epic Drops happen Sunday through Thursday nights, so that site can have something to start its day with, and so that Scrap won't put out his cigarette in my face. The FTT work is a lot more scattershot, but my basic rule of thumb is to try not to let the scroll of content on the left try not to be too dwarfed by the business on the right. Yes, motivations to write are just that stupid for bloggers. Or, at least, this one.

3) "How much traffic and ad revenue do you get?"

Who are you, the IRS? Not enough. Click on some ads. Especially now that the New York Times is advertising on the site. Sure, they gave Judith Miller carte blanche to repeat the Bush Administration's lies to get us into the war in Iraq and pay William Kristol to be wrong about everything, but they're really liberal!

4) "How come you don't review movies, write about your personal life, inflict your musical tastes, cover reality television shows as if they were sports or provide link drops to other sites?"

For the first four, because this is (mostly) a sports blog, so I make the assumption that you're only here if you care about sports. I'm pretty sure that you don't care about me or the other writers on this site. And if you do, buy a shirt.

On the last one, because I'm just too lazy, but we might start doing that.

5) "Do you consider yourself a journalist?"

I was trained as one, but you can not pay me enough to go stand in a locker room and smell Athlete Stench while listening to savants recite cliches while they are mostly naked. I'm not quite sure why anyone accepts money for that job, really.

Taste Some Testy

My favorite part of this is when the Testy Insanity spreads to Reggie Theus... or maybe its the Tru Warier's constant King Kong chest pounding... or the odd sense that his teammates are either with him or just too scared to not slap his hand as he's leaving... well, play it, by all means. There's too much here to miss.



To be fair, Testy was facing the Jazz and Matt Harpring. It's not like that combination hasn't provoked lesser psychos to murder. Also, he recently announced his retirement from rap, so maybe he's just feeling blocked creatively. Or, just from looking at him, that he's in a permanent case of roid rage. (And yet, still doesn't really rebound that much. Those muscles are for show, not tell.) Finally, the man has to live in Sactown now. I've been there. It's flat. Not to put too fine a point on it, but in the immortal words of Chris Rock covering the New Hampshire primary. I'm guessing he's not finding a lot of hair care products.

In other news, the Kings are 18-24 and 7 games out of the last playoff spot in the West, though they are better since getting Bibby and Martin back. Are the Maloofs still even paying attention?

Pyrrhic Celtics

Last night in the Association saw the hometown Celtics improve their record to 34-7 with a one-point win over the... Timberwolves? And here's the lead from the AP:

The players at the end of the Boston bench kept looking over their shoulders to the tunnel to see if Kevin Garnett was coming back out of the locker room.

They didn't need to worry.

"I wasn't going to do anything that would to jeopardize my future," Garnett said after his last-second steal helped the Boston Celtics beat the Minnesota Timberwolves 87-86 on Friday night. "But my philosophy has always been that if I can play, if I can run, if I can move, if I can blink, if I can wake up in the morning, I'm going to play."

It was just an abdominal strain, and not really any issue for Garnett to recover from. But take a look at the minutes that the Celtics starters logged -- Pierce 42:15, Allen 40:25. For the 7-35 Wolves?

The next best record in the East? Detroit, at 31-13. And yet, here are the Celtics and Doc Rivers, at the halfway mark of the season, still managing minutes as if they had a shot at the all-time win mark, or as if they were scrambling for the 8th seed. For the year, Pierce and Allen are 18th and 19th in the entire NBA in minutes per game.

There are only three teams that put two of their players on the floor more than the Celtics. They are the Wiz (Butler and Jamison), who are down Arenas and trying to stay afloat, the Warriors (Davis and Jackson), an intriguing also-ran in the West who need home court to do anything in the playoffs, and the Magic (Howard and Lewis), who at least are burning with young gas.

Neither of those duos have the miles of Pierce and Allen, and of course, none of them are on teams with the kind of margin of error that the Celtics' fast start have given them.

You have to go to the 52nd and 57th ranked players by minutes per game, which would be Rip Hamilton and Tony Parker, to find a Piston or Spur. And in other news, the Celtics are 5-4 in their last 9 games, and, um, beat the T-Wolves by a freaking point. At home. Next stop: totally shocking injuries!

Marks and Smarts: A Steroid Tangent

In pro wrestling and carnie lingo, a mark is a member of the paying public that's ready and willing to be duped, tricked, or if you are feeling charitable, entertained. A smart is someone in that crowd that's in on the routine, or part of the business.

We spend our time, as sports fans, ping-ponging between these two roles. The mark roots for the laundry, thinks that home field advantage is all about the rabid support we give our team, and is much more willing to listen to discussions about heart, character, and grit.

The smart watches for signs of betting conspiracies or league-wide directives, and while they may be harder to please, they're also much more likely to watch.

Both want to just be Fans, want to just be entertained and enthralled and waive their sense of disbelief for the duration of the entertainment.

Marks may become Smarts, but Smarts will never become Marks... at least not full-time. Smarts may become Marks over individual players (especially if the player in question is young and possessing of limitless potential), but they'll never go back to being Marks all the time.

Marks will always outnumber Smarts. And cheer louder, buy more merchandise, take more kids to the game, leave earlier, and be much more disturbed by steroid, HGH or any other enhancement.

And this, really, is the danger of roids and HGH, and why the glibertarian approach of saying that we should just let anyone do anything falls down. Not because it makes the record books meaningless, or because it adds a bloodsport / Colosseum aspect to all of our sports that's unseemly at best and inhuman at worst.

But because a sport that's playing to an audience of just Smarts is (a) small, (b) quiet, (c) meager, and (d) depressing. It's like a musician playing a gig to no one but other musicians, or bloggers only being read by other bloggers, or chefs cooking only for restaurant workers. It may seem like the way to finally get the idiots out of the conversation, and a welcome change to all of the pandering to the masses... but it's also not sustainable.

Marks are needed. And steroids kill them.

Will Anyone Ever Take Core Spots Fans Fron ESPN?

I was listening to a Will Leitch / Sports Media Journal podcast the other day; it's a pretty good piece, though a little bit fractious at the close. Will's pimping his new book, and during the conversation, he compared the sports fans relationship to ESPN to the Christian Right's relationship with the Republican Party -- in that the parent organization will irritate and/or confound the base, but at the end of the day, the base won't leave, because there is no other game in town.

I see his point, but the analogy fails for one reason. Politically, when the other side wins as a result of your side becoming fragmented, your side suffers, and you blame yourself for it. (See Nader 2000 voters, or at least, any of them who aren't basically nihilists.) With sports, if you start going elsewhere for your news, ESPN doesn't go away. At least, not for a very long time.

The bigger issue is whether or not ESPN has really gotten worse, or if the audience that grew up with ESPN is now growing old and embittered. ESPN, being a media machine, won't care very much, because the prime purchasing demographic is 18 to 35 year old folks. Once you are past a certain age, you become more or less irrelevant and superfluous to the ad machines that fuels all of this stuff. (This is one of the reasons why Fox News isn't nearly the money maker that their raw numbers says they should be, and why newspapers are losing ground fast to online. But I digress.)

I think there is a market for an edgy, youth-oriented and yet smarter competitor to ESPN; right now, the Lemur's idea of edgy is the Stu Scott Wandering Eye Minstrel Show, or letting Leatherman Berman go off his meds to make even older and more embarrassing pop references. (Seriously, the only "Hogan's Heroes" reference that should be made involves Bob Crane's freaky death. Everything else just makes me think you just got color television.)

But Youth inevitably equates to Dumb in network land, and there's two big problems with the approach:

1) No one has proven that hardcore sports fan is actually attracting the money demographic in the way that it used to. Frankly, if I were doing media buying to reach that group, I'd be moving heaven and earth to get signage inside video games. Your display ads should be in Wii games for mass market stuff now, and in the upcoming Grand Theft Auto game for the edgy teen / young adult stuff. But media buyers are really good at continuing to buy the same stuff they've always bought, which is one of the reasons why the Super Bowl sells out in a heartbeat...

2) If a competitor actually starts to make headway on the Lemur with a new show that has the same appeal of the '90s Olbermann/Patrick Big Show... the Lemur will take note, scratch its chin thoughtfully, and write a check to any and all revolutionaries. End of insurrection (though maybe the Lemur would become watchable again, at least for a little while).

So to get to the point of having any kind of meaningful competition, you'd need a deep-pocketed competitor that thinks the demographic is worth losing money hand over fist to for at leas t3 to 5 years, who will take a leap of faith that younger audiences are smarter than they are usually given credit for.

Or who will somehow change the media paradigm to make older viewers attractive to advertisers, and then make a show that calls to mind what it was that we all used to like about the Lemur. You know, kind of like what we all used to like about Simmons.

(Damn, I think I just depressed myself, too.)

Yes, Quite

H/t, Original Mookie...

From a Baseball Prospectus email. The list is "Top 5 Unluckiest AL Starters". (And if you haven't heard or remembered, Kennedy died in the off-season.)

Player, Team, W, L, E(W), E(L), LUCK

Joe Kennedy, OAK, 3, 9, 6.1, 4.3, -6.82
Gil Meche, KCA, 9, 13, 13.3, 10.6, -6.71
Edwin Jackson, TBA, 5, 15, 8.4, 13.2, -5.18
Jarrod Washburn, SEA, 10, 15, 11.4, 11.3, -5.07
Daniel Cabrera, BAL, 9, 18, 10.3, 14.8, -4.45

Reached for comment, the Archtype Figure of Death said, "Ain't I a stinker?"

Epic Drop: Top 10 Signs That You Are Less Than Enthused About This Super Bowl Matchup

Well, it's four days later... and while the Ninja's suggestion is a fantastic one, I'm still feeling near-total ambivalence about watching the game. Here's a list if you, like Peter Frampton, feel like we do... and the video's fun, too.

Your NBA Report... is a link

Don over at the very strong With Malice asked me to throw him some words, and I did. It's the only place you're going to read a sentence that has the words MVP and Stephen Jackson in close proximity.

Also, he's paying me in yen, which I assume is worth more than US dollars by now. (Finally, it should be noted that expanding our presence in the Pacific Rim is a key point to our dreams of world domination, and if I can just get Japanese schoolgirls wearing FTT shirts, I'll die happy -- and so will you. Admit it.)

Over the Edge

The photo on the right (h/t Deadspin and the San-Diego Union Leader) isn't recent. It's from 2005. It's also not terribly new or novel to crack on New England Fan, much in the same way that it's not new or novel to crack on Tom Cruise, Britney Spears or neo-Nazis. (For the record, this blog isn't afraid to note its opposition to all three, and our pride in having been against all three since "Rain Man.") And yet, still, this needs to be said.

Any sports fan of a certain age has, I am sure, gotten the occasional burst of static as to how they are just great big nerds for being so into stuff that is clearly meaningless. (This is multiplied if you play fantasy sports.) As my three-sport fantasy addiction, my pilgrimages to live games as quasi-vacations, and this blog shows, I'm more addicted than most. And yet...

I've never painted myself. Or gotten anything pierced or tattooed. Or paid a scalper. I haven't called a talk radio show for over 15 years, or listened to one in 2. I don't go on bulletin boards to defend my team. I don't memorize statistics. Since moving to the East Coast in June of 2006, I've gone to nearly as many live theater or music performances as I have to games. I don't speak in the third person when discussing my team, unless I'm trying to make fun of people who do.

Also, I think if you are doing most of the above, there is a strong possibility that you are a freaking moron. But what the hell, I spend my free time blogging about sports for pennies on the hour, so who am I to talk?

At some very basic level, sports is a vice. It's time you could be spending with your family, working, exercising, doing charitable works or even just getting enough sleep. It's money that you could be putting aside for more meaningful pursuits, or investments that will have a greater return on investment than chewing gum. I'm an Eagles, A's and Sixers fan; I may spend the rest of my life waiting for a championship that will never come.

Will Leitch at Deadspin likes to talk about how sports fans are smarter, on average, than expected -- and that it's just that freaks on the right get the camera time. I'd like to believe that; there are enough smart sports blogs and commenters. But at some point, there's got to be some face time for those of us that aren't yahoos and don't fall for braying jackass fake controversy shows, right?

(Crickets. Sweat on upper lip. More crickets.)

And we'll be back with which team has the sluttier cheerleaders and/or wives, complete with videos and images, so come on back, y'all!

Epic Drop: Top 10 Ways in Which Tiki Barber and Jeremy Shockey Prevented The Giants From Winning

Your link is here, and it's got a special secret video of a Coughlin coaching session under the fold. But seriously, Giants Fan... if your team slays the dragon and wins, you've pretty much got to burn your Shockey and Barber jerseys, right? (I know -- what Shockey and Barber jerseys?)

Welcome to Milford, aka Loserville. Population: You

The image is from This Week In Milford, the Web's dominant Gil Thorp blog. GT is kind of a Mary Worth for the sports pages, only with even more self-loathing.

And what does this have to do with sports, you might ask, and is this part of that whole scary Experimental Phase that I posted about last night? You're both right!

When I was growing up with the Philadelphia Daily News, and playing fantasy sports back in the day when we had to (gasp!) use pen and paper and rely on the USA Today for stats, our only source for how our players did was the box scores in the newspaper.

And there, every day, was this strip.

For no good reason.

And since it's a cartoon, and takes only slightly more time to read than to look at... and it was on a page that we were all staring bullets into... well, it was impossible to *not* read Gil Thorp.

He was the "This Is Our Country" of the box scores. Only more persistent.

Every time you finish a Gil Thorp, you kind of want to hurt yourself, and then maybe, the guy who wrote it, or the people who brought it to you.

And yet, after a while, a dull -- very dull -- moment of zombie consciousness would kick in, and you'd realize that Milford was in a playoff and maybe they'd win AND HOLY MOTHER I'M READING GIL THORP!

Like most things about sports, you can easily imagine enjoying the experience without the strange '50s netherworld that is GT. But once you've gotten exposed to it, much in the same way that people eat at White Castle or listen to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs or watch midgets wrestle, you're not getting out of it alive. (Perhaps I've shared too much.)

Anyway, FTT is... proud? no... ashamed? kind of, but not quite... nonplussed! that's it! nonplussed! ... about spreading this fevered aspect of our adolescence to a new generation. We're planning on sharing out of context panels from time to time, assuming that the Welcome to Milford guy doesn't freak out that we're impinging on his gimmick.

But by all means, go to his site, read some GTs, and then smack yourself in the face. It's curiously addictive!

Epic Drop: Top 11 Ramifications of the Coming Recession to Sports

Here's your link, and there's your image of a 1999 Russian soup line. Who knew they had those recently? I thought the Russkies were all awash in petrodollars and mob money.

A brief moment of sports blogosphere business... In the next few weeks, you're going to hear a lot of puling about how these are the worst two weeks of the year in sports... but I'm hoping you'll still make FTT a daily part of a nutritious breakfast. With the focus more or less going off the NFL, I'm looking to take the blog in different directions with more experimental stuff. (But don't get too worried. It's still going to be a sports blog. We have pride in our wanking, dammit.)

What's A Football Fan To Do?

I've been avoiding the question since the Giants improbable Sunday night win. But when my eight-year-old son finally asked me "Who are you rooting for in the Super Bowl?", I knew I had to confront the issue.

As an Eagles fan, the Giants are my natural enemy. Every instinct I have tells me that I need to root against the Men in Blue.

And like any good football fan, I find the Patriots insufferable. I have zero interest in seeing a team was found to have cheated celebrate a 19-0 season.

So after thinking about this, I realized that there is a perfect solution.

I want the Giants to outplay the Patriots throughout the game, but I want the Pats to win.

By one point.

On a blown call. A horrible, game-deciding blown call. In a game plagued with bad calls that all go the Pats way.

I'm rooting for phantom holding penalties, whistles inadvertantly blown when fumbles are still live, blatant pass interference that goes unchecked, "tuck" calls on apparent Brady fumbles, and a mysterious malfunction in the Giants headsets during the final drive.

I want this SB to go down in history as The Fluke Bowl, the championship that was stolen from the Giants. Nothing would please me more than to see the Perfect Season completely overshadowed by the controversy, and, as an added bonus, NY fans go crazy with righteous fury over losing the Lombardi trophy to a team that they dominated in every way on the field.

I can't tell you how much I want to see this happen. It's really the only possible satisfying outcome.

101010100 = Hike

So I'm catching up with Spiritual Hero Stephen Colbert, and he interviewed the freakish author of the tome that appears to the right of these words. While it seems odd and wrong and something only a complete loser would go for... well, the same thing was true of personal ads and dating sites in the not-so-distant past, so maybe the author has a point. But enough about cold and impersonal nooky, and the inevitable and sad jokes about my first marriage. Getting back to the point of the blog, at what point does sports transcend the ability of humans to perform it?

We've already seen this in chess, where a computer has beaten many grandmasters. Recently, a competitor with an implant raised questions in a track and field event. If you are one of the glibertarians who believe that steroids are just fine, then cybernetics is as well. So why not root for robots?

We'll start with the welcome innovation of field goal kickers that don't break your heart. After a few years and the inevitable cozying up to the Vinateri2000, we'll move to wall-like offensive line "men" that never jump offsides, no matter how loud the road crowd is. Next up, a possession wide receiver that never whines to the ref for a flag. It's all good!

Finally, we'd reach the culmination in a quarterback that really does know when the pressure is coming, a second before it happens... not that, of course, the pressure will ever get there, due to the force field of protection that will wrap it in a warm cocoon until the milisecond before the ball is launched. Plus, we'll never have to worry about QB Robo (as opposed to QB Romo) losing his focus for some hussy she-bot!

I, for one, will welcome our Robot Overlords, but only if they are wearing Eagle Green. But I can't help but think we'll always have last year's model or software... or that the PatriotBots are introducing viruses to their opponents.

Epic Drop: Top 10 Media Myths About The Super Bowl

Your list is here... and 24 hours later, I'm still rooting for Bruce Dern and the blimp. I'm honestly tempted to take a miss on the game, and live blog that, just to be utterly unique in the sports blogosphere. But somehow, I doubt that I'm going to have enough readers for the marathon Putt-Putt posting...

Epic Drop: Top 10 Explanations For How The Giants Got To The Super Bowl

Your list is here, and honestly... I know I'm going to watch the Super Bowl in two weeks, and I'm going to try to enjoy knowing that one of these two fan bases is going to feel bitterly disappointed, but great googly moogly... with the exception of Pats-Cowboys, this is the worst possible outcome for Eagles fans.

Either we get to hear about the Perfectriots (and yes, I've got copyright already, so pay up) for the rest of our lives, or I get to see Eli and Plexico and Michael Strahan and Tom Coughlin and the rest of the franchise that I would have bet anything were going to be 6-10 and cleaning house next year... all parading about. And I *work* in New York, dammit, albeit in a part of it that no one admits to caring about football in.

Maybe there's still time for the Bruce Dern option?

Packers-Giants Quasi Live Blog: Overtime

The Packers win the toss and take the ball, and Robinson returns it to their own 26. They've done little if anything to deserve to be in this game, and Favre is 9 of 16 for 21 yards in the second half -- wow. Grant for 2 to the left, and Justin Tuck is down.

Honestly, if the Packers can get just one first down here, I think the Giants could collapse like a house of cards. They've had so many chances to still be playing... and then Favre throws his second back-breaking pick of the day, and this time, Corey Webster doesn't have the RW McQuarters's politeness of turning it back over. The G-Men start at the Packers 34.

Bradshaw for 4. One suspects that the men in blue really aren't hoping to set up a field goal attempt. 2nd and 6 is a draw, and Bradshaw gets a yard. 3rd and 5 is the biggest play of the game to date... and it's incomplete to Smith, who drops it.

Tynes is on to try to end the game for the third time, this time from 47. This time, he gets it, and on some level, you have to be happy for Tynes, because now he won't be killed.

Well folks, I can truthfully say that I've never been less enthused by a Super Bowl matchup than this one. And I'll have more later, but I've got kids to put to bed, and liquor to drink. But at least that over bet won!

Packers-Giants Quasi Live Blog: Fourth Quarter

3rd and 10 starts the quarter, and it's just a huge play... and Favre finds Driver for 20 on a crossing route. If the Giants don't get to the QB, the WR is open -- it's just that simple.

On the next play, Favre makes a back-breaking pick, but McQuarters gives it back on the return, and I'd describe the play further, but you will see it a million times on highlight films. The net is a 15 yard gain, and how Favre doesn't throw the ball away in the first place is just kind of astounding. If the Giants lose this game, that play will haunt them.

Screen to Robinson gets nothing. Grant to the right side gets 7, and the Packers have a third and 3 from the 12. On third, Favre telegraphs the screen and throws it anyway, and Corey Webster shuts it down for a loss of 7. Mason Crosby tries to tie it from 37, and does. This game couldn't get any more compelling, really, and with that field goal, the over bet is a certain winner, the 40-point over is assured, assuming that the game ever ends. With 11:46 left, it's Packers 20, Giants 20.

The last time the Giants got the ball, Hicskson sparked them with a big return... and he does it again, with a 35-yard burst on the left sideline. The G-Men start from their 40, and Manning hits Toomer for 5. There's no doubt that he's the best Manning there ever was! Bradshaw for 3, and Seubert is down on the play as Fox sneaks in another unnecessary commercial break. Thanks, Fox! I was starting to enjoy the game!

Seubert's in a bad way, but Eli Manning and Plexico Burress do not care, and gets another great 14 yard play down the sideline. Bradshaw follows for 6 on the right side, and Packers LB Nick Collins is down after a helmet-to-helmet hit. Whoopee, another commercial break!

Harris is on the bench now as well, and the Pack has to be said to be teetering in this game, despite it being tied. Bradshaw goes nowhere on a run to the left, and it's 3rd and 5. The Pack has no chance to stop Mighty Eli here, do they? Nope... but he does have to use Big Blue's second time out. Even Fox takes mercy on us and doesn't call for the commercial break, and Harris returns for the Pack. With nine minutes left, it's a monstrously big play... and Toomer drops a clean ball from Manning, not that it would have counted anyway, as they called him for the push-off. The Packers take the penalty, rather than face the 4th and 5, and Collins returns. 3rd and 15 from the 43, and Bradshaw picks up the same 10 they just lost, as bad tackling let him get free. Coughlin goes for it, rather than trust Tynes from 51, or Feagles to pin the Packers deep. Manning is blitzed, gets the ball away, and Woodson is called for a questionable pass interference call for the first down. I'm not sure what the reft are trying to do with this game; it was physical in the first and flags in the second.

After the first down, Manning tries Burress in the end zone, and Harris knocks it down, rather than catches it. Bradshaw worms his way to the 25. Meyers tells us that Collins and Harris are cramping. 3rd and 7, and the Packers use their second time out, leaving both sides with just one left. I'm pretty sure this drive has lasted an hour, and Harris returns and doesn't look good doing it.

Manning's worst ball of the day is behind Smith, who looked open at the first down marker, and Tynes comes on to try from 43. He misses, there are no flags, Coughlin curses out Tynes -- that was fun -- and the Packers take over at their own 33. With 6:49 left, that's just immense, and if the Packers had any kind of ball-control element to them today, the Giants would be in real trouble.

First down, Favre has time and misses over the middle. Second down, Jennings almost bails out his QB on a wild high throw; Umenyiora leveled Favre at the end, but he had time for a while. Third down is an underneath route to Morency, who I'm fairly sure has never converted on third down. He's stopped, the Pack go three and out, and an ugly punt is returned to the Giants 36.

With 5:53 left, in a game in which they've had a running game and the opponent hasn't, there's never been a better chance for the road team to seize this one by the throat. Jacobs goes for 5 on first down, and COughlin's thought is the same as mine -- control the ball, control the clock, win the game on this possession. Jacobs gets a lot on a play where he could have been stopped in the backfield, and the lack of timeouts for both sides here is just huge. It's third and inches now, and if this was a prize fight, the Packers would be bleeding right now and looking very vulnerable. If I were Coughlin, I'd sneak here... and that's what he does. First down, Giants.

Aikman thinks the Giants shouldn't run the clock too much. I'm not sure which team he's been watching, since the Giants almost always snap the ball with less than five seconds left. A rollout leads to an incompletion. Jacobs is stopped after a gain of 1 on second and 10, and if the Packers want to win this game, they need a stop here. 3rd and 9, 3:30 left, Giants at midfield... and KGB is clearly offsides, but not called, and Manning is sacked. Expect to see that a few times in the highlights... and after the Feagles punt and a juggle, the Packers have it at their own 17 with 2:48 left.

The first down here is just huge, and the play call of a screen that hasn't worked all day is curious at best. It fails. 2nd and 10, and the Packer tackles jump; that's also terrible. Now it's 2nd and 15, and the home team looks scared. Favre tries Lee over the middle and it's incomplete. 3rd and 15 is looking like blood in the water... and it's another underneath route, this time to Lee for 5 yards. Coughin calls his final timeout with 2:30 left, and that was just a terrible series for the Pack.

The punt is returned by McQuarters, who fumbles, and the Packers fail to cover it, as they are trying to return it, rather than just recover. The Giants wind up with it at their own 48, and McQuarters is saved from being Goat of the Year in New York.

There has never been a more gift-wrapped opportunity to lead your team to a game-winning touchdown on the road then right here and right now. I'd argue, even, that not coming through in this moment is a bigger failure than the triumph of getting the winning score.

Bradsahw takes it to the house on terrible tackling... but it comes back on a hold. 1st and 20, and I'm wondering if either of these teams actually wants to win this game. Given the opportunities that both have whiffed on, Patriot fans have to be locking down any available point spread right now.

Tyree for a couple on a terrible tackle by Woodson, who seems more interested in playing bumper cars than putting the man on the ground. At the 2 minute warning, it 2nd and 15, and Manning finds Smith on wide-open play, and after review, it's 3rd and 1. Bradshaw slips tackles in the backfield and gets 8 yards, and Tynes is in range. After another pass to Smith, the Giants have it at the 21. Bradshaw gets it to the 19, and with the clock ticking, Manning clocks it with 4 seconds left. Tynes has to hit from 36 to send the Giants to the Super Bowl.

Wow.

A high snap to Feagles, who did everything he could. A complete hook by Tynes, who, if the Giants somehow win this game, may still be out of a job on Monday. And we're into overtime. Wow, wow, wow.

Packers-Giants Quasi Live Blog: Third Quarter

Hickson starts the Giants on their 32, and the weather seems to be effecting the kickoffs more than anything else. Jacobs gets a couple in the middle, and Buck and Aikmann make the point that all of his success has been on the edge. I'm not sure how much of that is the Packers DL, and how much is Jacobs just dominating smaller defensive players. Burress gets 9 in front of Harris, and if I were the Pack, I'd be thinking about doubling him about now. (A play later, Fox's Chris Meyers says that McCarthy is thinking the same thing, but doesn't want to just yet. Well, he has only given up six points so far...)

Jacobs gets a yard on a slow developing run to the left. Manning has a clean pocket and Steve Smith wide open, but the throw is one of Manning's worst of the day, as it's behind and to the left. Big opportunity missed there. On third and 9, the play clock expires and the Giants take a timeout, and as usual, I wonder if 3rd and 14 is really so much worse than not having more time at the end of the game... and why is it that Manning takes so many time outs to avoid delay penalties as is. Harris then gets a pick after the timeout, but as Burress was on the ground, it's not surprising to see an illegal contact call for the first down. I'm not sure why Manning threw that way anyway, but it's still a big call.

Jacobs for 2 to the left, and he's not getting a lot of room even when they don't run in the middle. They try him again, and he gets 3 in the middle. Aikman buries Jacobs, not realizing of course, that by running him they're making the play-action viable, but it's a fair point that Bradshaw might be a better idea. On third down, the ball is batted down, but the Giants get lucky on a roughing the passer call that was pretty borderline; I'm not sure how the blitzer can avoid the QB on a play like that, and if he can't do that, there's no way you can blitz anymore. I'm not a neutral observer here, but that's just a terrible call. Burress now has 9 catches for 132 yards. Wow.

Jacobs to the right for 3, and the drive is now at 7 plays, 40 yards, and two back-breaking third-down penalties. A back shoulder throw to Burress gets the Giants to the Packers 11. Jacobs gets 4 in the middle on first, then slips to the 2 on second, and the Giants have third and 1 from the 2. Jacobs on third looks like he got the first down, then looks like he fumbled... but the refs decide that Kevin Boss recovered it, and got the first down. Another immense break for the visitors there, the third of the drive. On first and goal from the 1 on a broken play, the refs catch the Packers on an offsides, and the crowd has to be irate at this point; the defense certainly looks that way, as they take yet another offsides penalty. Jacobs gets the touchdown and taunts the Lambeau fans without drawing the get-even 15-yard unsportsmanlike call. The Packers faithful have to feel like they are playing against two teams right now. Giants 13, Packers 10.

After the kickoff, the Packers start at the Giants 39 after a 49-yard return from Williams. Favre starts from an empty backfield and hits Driver for 8. 2nd and 2 is a give to Grant, who just gets the first; Fox continues to note that the Packers aren't running the ball well, as if this is news. On first down, Favre doesn't get the call for PI despite active lobbying; the crowd's feeling mutinous about the refs now, and as it's a home game, I can see their point. Morency for a mediocre screen, and it's 3rd and 8 with a long field goal chance looming. Driver catches a pinball, and Sam Madison takes a terrible penalty that could be a get-even call for the last drive. Instead of 4th and 3, it'll be a first for the Packers, and Tom Coughlin is doing his Yosemite Sam impersonation.

From the Giants 12, play action buys Favre tons of time, and Donald Lee settles under a pretty ball in the end zone. After the point-after, Fox follows Sam Madison to the sidelines, where he's getting into it with his teammates. That's not a good sign for the visitors either, but if you're trading touchdowns, it's better to have the one that came from a big long drive. Our third lead change of the day brings the game to Packers 17, Giants 13.

Fox comes back from commercial to show three hot girls (well, for Green Bay) showing skin, and Aikman confesses to feeling like a big sissy. Finally, Troy, this Eagles fan agrees with your analysis! Hickson nearly matches the big Williams return, and the Giants are in business at their own 43. Not a good day for the return coverage units for either side.

Manning, from play action, has Burress for 8. Fox tells us that Burress is trash-talking the Packers bench, saying that Harris can't cover him. I think we're all aware of that by now, Plex. Bradshaw for the first, and he breaks a tackle on the next play and gets 10. Maybe it's me, and maybe he can't hold up to a lot of carries, but Bradshaw is just a much better back than Jacobs to my eyes.

Manning misses Toomer, who pushes off baldly and isn't called for it. He comes back to Toomer on second for 23 yards, and before the Giants can get the next play off, the Pack challenges. It's disallowed, and both teams have two timeouts left.

From the 13, Manning rolls out and hits Toomer for 8. In this setting, against this secondary, it's clearly his best game as a pro, and if you think I'm saying good things about him to set him up for future disappointment, you are impugning by Manning fandom, and I just can't have that. Bradshaw takes it in from there, and it's our fourth lead change of the day. Sheesh. Giants 20, Packers 17.

Five minutes ago when they were in the same situation, the Packers were energized by a big return. They won't get that this time, and they start from their 20 on a touchback. Giants have a 2-to-1 time of possession edge. Favre pumps to Driver and finds Robinson wide open for 16; Favre shook off pressure to get the ball there. It's not like there aren't holes here. Grant finally gets a hole and takes advantage, getting 13 on the left side. The next play is more like his other carries, and it's 2nd and 10. The last play of the quarter, Favre throws into triple coverage, and it incomplete. Yikes. Giants 20, Packers 17.

Packers-Giants Quasi Live Blog: Second Quarter

On the third and five that starts the quarter, Jones drops a ball that wouldn't have gotten the Packers the first anyway, and the Giants defense just looks dominating right now. The Pack punts after another three and out, and McQuarters brings it to the Giants 43.

Jacobs gets 12 on the left side. Fox tells me that the Giants benches don't work. That's seriously home field advantage, but maybe it's just pissing the Giants off, because they're just winning. Burress fights off Harris for 7, and I'd be remiss if I didn't admit that the ball was perfect. On 2nd, Burress gets open, Harris gets the flag, and he gets downfield for a big gain, then fumbles it out of bounds. Very quickly, the Giants are in the red zone, and if they can score a touchdown here, this could get ugly for the home team. Burress already has 5 for 64.

Manning rolls out and hits Toomer perfectly, but there's a false start by Hedgecock, the FB. Again, though, the passing is perfect. Who are you, Giant QB, and what have you done with Eli Manning?

Bradshaw for 3, and the Giants just seem to have a good RB no matter where they get the guy from. It's like Denver, really. Manning tries Smith, who looked like he had alligator arms, and misses. 3rd and 12 from the 19 is a big play, and the Lambeau Faithful know it -- the Giants call time rather than take the delay penalty. A reasonable ball to Tyree at the pylon, but he can't bring it in. Tynes from 37 hits, and it's 6-0 Giants... and one wonders, as one always does, if the failure in the red zone will come back to haunt the visitors. But if their defense keeps playing like this, it won't be an issue.

Robinson has real problems covering the short kick, and barely covers it inside the Packers 10. Fox's sound is picking up a lot of Giant fans, and with the yardage being 27 to 116, you can see why... but that all goes away as Donald Driver streaks free down the right sideline and goes 90 amazing yards for a touchdown. Driver fought off Corey Webster at the line of scrimmage, Favre found him in stride, and in a heartbeat, the visitors are behind. Packers 7, Giants 6.

Strong special teams coverage on a short kick gets the ball to the Giants 28, and the crowd is well and truly into it now. Bradshaw for 7 on first down, and man, the Giants just crank out good backs like an assembly line. He gets it again, but Bigby and friends penetrate, and he goes sideways for no gain. On 3rd and 3, Manning hits Burress who gets leveled by Bigby, but it's another third down conversion, and another case where Manning had a clean pocket on the rollout. The next play is ugly, as Manning tries to throw it away off his back foot and almost gets it picked. The defense is fired up now, and the lack of a flag on possible PI against Boss will make it 3rd and 10. (For my money, I think the no-call was correct.) Toomer is covered well by Woodson, and the Giants punt. Harris and Burress are more or less beating the snot out of each other on every play, and damn, it's fun to watch, except for the post-play whining. The punt is handled for no good reason, and the Pack start inside their own 30.

Grant for 2, and we get a lot of Buck and Aikman puling about being in their exposed press box. Ha ha! Favre finds Lee on one of those strong-arm throws that he still does better than anyone, and it's a nice gain up the middle. Play action to the right draws everyone, and Favre finds Jennings in the flat; he makes a man miss for 14, and the Packers are back in Giants territory and starting to click.

Favre tries Jones on a back-shoulder underthrow; it's juggled and dropped. 2nd and 10 is nearly picked on a batted ball at the line, and the Packers seem determined to throw every down. It's 3rd and 10 from the 44, and one of those plays that is worth points either way, from the possible field goal... and Ruvel Martin drops a ball off his hands as Favre throws a perfect ball on the post. If he catches it, and he should have, it's first and goal. Special teams are chippy, and the Giants start at their own 7.

With 6:21 left in the first, Jacobs runs through Barnett for 9 yards, and he's such an impossible back to figure; he either goes down easier than Shawn Alexander, or he's the second coming of Earl Campbell, depending on the play. On 2nd and 1, David Diehl gets a huge holding call, backing the Giants back to the 8. Jacobs gets little on a draw, and it's 3rd and 6. The holding penalty is looming huge right now, as the clock ticks under five minutes. Manning has one of those god-awful plays with an illegal shift, a fumbled snap, and a panicky incompletion, and the Giants will punt. That's the Eli I remember! Feagles punts it out to the Giants 47, where it's fair caught. The home team is set up to do some damage here, and could put a big stamp on this game now.

Grant for no gain, and it's hard to see how the Pack is going to run well today; Grant is at 5 carries for 9 yards, and has ran well to not lose ground. A quick slant is a misfire, and the Giants are a play away from getting off the field... but this won't be the play, as Driver draws the flag. Notable as well was that the Giants weren't able to get any real push from their blitz; watch for that later.

With a fresh set of downs, they try Grant to the right, and he gets a mighty yard. Favre finds Driver wide open for 20 yards down the gut, and these are the holes that Garcia and Romo did not get to exploit, because they didn't get the time to do it; Favre has, and he's taking advantage. Grant into the middle for a couple, and its the two minute warning.

Fox notes that Green Bay is colder right now than lots of other cold places. In the immortal words of Derrick Coleman, Whoop De Damn Do. Favre misses Jennings in the corner, and it's 3rd and 8 with 1:52 left -- a big play all over. Antonio Pierce make a tremendous play to fight through three blockers and get the RB (Jackson) down; it's figgie time, and the Giants take their second timeout, with 1:34 left. Without that play, the Packers get the first, keep the ball, and maybe get a touchdown later. Instead, they're held to a field goal attempt, and their offense gets another possession. Just huge. After the Crosby attempt, they'll get the ball back with a chance to do something before the half. Crosby hits from 37, and it's Packers 10, Giants 6.

Can the Giants make the Pierce play more meaningful? The Hickson return won't help matters, as he only gets it to the Giants 23. They give it to Bradshaw, who gets 9 on a draw. Then it's yet another play by Burress outfighting Harris, and the Giants take their final time out in Packers territory after an X yard gain. Burress gets open again, and has it inside the 5, but can't hold on, and it's ruled incomplete... could have gone as a completion and fumble, but right now, Burress is just killing them.

On 2nd down, Manning is brought down after a 2 yard gain, then misfires on 3rd and 8. With 11 seconds left, the Giants are going for it from the Packers 34 with no timeouts left, rather than try the long field goal. On fourth, Manning takes a coverage sack, and the Packers close the half with a knee, despite a spread formation. Odd. In a wildly entertaining and very even game, it's Packers 10, Giants 6.

Packers-Giants Quasi Live Blog, First Quarter

(Why the image? Because you'd be surprised what you get when you look for any kind of variation on the word Giant. It's a sick world, and I'd like to take advantage of its site traffic.)

Over/under on number of times that the cold will be mentioned today: Billions and Billions. If you think that you're going to get out of this game today without a few dozen mentions of the UberHuman Focus And Dedication and Specialness of Winning Football Players, you're dreaming.

Pack wins the toss and elect to receive. Koren Robinson elects to do a funky dance with a teammate while waiting for the catch, then has to dance some more as the wind knocks the ball off the tie. Can't the NFL invent some kind of vacuum suction tee to avoid that, really?

On the rekick, Robinson gets to the 25 as the Giants special teams look frisky. Favre on a booteg play action hits the fullback (Hill) for 12; one suspect they'll do a lot to keep the pass rush on its heels. He then does the same thing in reverse to Franks and gets 11. Grant's first carry is for 2, and the ball is at midfield. On 2nd, Jennings was wide open, but the ball stays up too long and Gibril Wilson closes and almost gets the pick. Favre has time and an open man (Driver) on third, but he misses, and they'll punt. McQuarters fair catches it inside the Giants 20.

Tonight's the third coldest game in NFL history. Jacobs destroys Woodson on a 4 yard gain; a lot of that, and the Giants are going to have some thing working on throws to Woodson's side. A quick hitter to Burres gets the Giants a first down on forward progress. Play action doesn't look good, as Toomer and Manning aren't on the same page. Jacobs goes nowhere on second, and it's 3rd and 10 with Lambeau making good noise... and Manning finds Burress running open on a slant, beating Al Harris badly. Big play for the visitors.

Jacobs gets to the corner for 3, and the G-Men are in Packer territory. Toomer for 6 on a cross-field throw that was a bit dangerous, but it was accurate. On third and short, Manning draws Korey Williams offsides for a first. Burress is wide open for 10, and I'm not sure what the Packer corners are doing in this game; Woodson played off him like he was contagious. On the ninth play of the drive, Jacobs for 3, and Manning hits Boss for 11 over the middle. For my money, Boss is a better TE than Shockey.

Jacobs is met for no gain on first. On a rollout, Bigby knocks down a ball for Boss; close to a touchdown there, and the ball was on the money. On third and 10, Manning throws into the gut of the DL, who drops it. An opportunity lost, but if nose tackles could catch, they'd be tight ends. Tynes hits from 29, and the road team is up, 3-0.

Robinson brings it to the 31, and Fox treats us to a montage of Harris and Burress exchanging love taps. As an Eagles fan, I miss Al Harris; he may not have been very good, but he liked to hit people, and that's near and dear to my heart.

Robinson for a yard on a screen; Pack seem to be throwing a lot. A gimmicky shovel pass to Grant loses three and almost gets the RB killed, as Tuck and Strahan were right there. On a big third and 12, the Giants blitz effectively, and Favre dumps it to Robinson, who can't do much with it. It's a 3 and out, and after a weak 32 yard punt with no return, the Giants will start at their 40. We're 48 minutes away from a Super Bowl that the eastern media will claim is the best ever, but that the rest of the country will just kind of hate.

Toomer with an awful drop of a wide open play, as Woodson slips. Ouch. On second, Jacobs gets nothing, and we have our second 3rd and long of the game for Manning; on the first one, he found Burress for a big gain. On this one, he finds Jacobs in the flat but he can't get the whole 10, and the Giants will punt. Troy Aikman for Fox notes that the QBs are throwing more than he thought they would, because unlike Troy Aikman, these QBs are not gutless pussies. (Well, OK, maybe Eli is, but he's faking it well.) After a terrible Feagles punt, the Pack will start at their 30, and that missed opportunity for field position could be a big factor in this next drive.

With a minute left in the quarter, Grant gets 3 despite strong penetration by the Giants defensive line; right now, they are just beating the Packers on the line. Grant gets another two yards, and that's the quarter. 3-0 Giants.

Patriots-Chargers Quasi Live Blog: Fourth Quarter

Welker again with the catch for 10 and a first on a quick screen. Maroney for 20, and he's just killing the Chargers right now. 80 for the game, 64 in the half. A screen to him gets another 9... and as the Patriots get close, the power goes out in my Man Space, probably due to a space heater overloading the circuit. Cablevision's box hates it when the power goes out, so I'm going to be down for a while. Gah!

I switch over to a Web app to learn that Brady hit Welker for 6 and the touchdown, and there's that slot problem we mentioned before. Welker now has 7 catches for 56 and the touchdown, and Faulk's got 5 for 50. Stallworth and Moss have combined for 2 for 23, but that is the real magic of Brady; he doesn't much care who's open.

Sproles to the 21, and the Chargers are going no huddle. Chambers for 17 is followed by two incompletes, and then another 18 yards to Jackson. Say this for Rivers, he's not going down without a fight. Gates for 9, then Turner for the first, and they are just entering the part of the field where it all goes to hell. The power comes back up to see another incomplete, and on 3rd and 10, Harrison comes clear yet again, forcing the incomplete. Will Norv go on fourth and 10? No, he's punting with 9:21 left and down 9 points. But on the plus side, this will help that New England covering the spread bet...

Maroney jogs around end for an easy 10. He's got 81 yards this half. Brady takes a bad sack, and that's a big play here, given how the Pats haven't been that explosive today. Faulk gets 7 on a screen, setting up a huge play for whether or not the fourth quarter will have any drama. Halfway through the quarter, and under pressure, Brady finds Faulk perfectly (of course) for just enough (of course). They needed 11, and got exactly that. Short of a turnover, it's hard to see how the Chargers get the ball back twice to come back in this game now.

Maroney for a yard, and the Chargers call an unconscionable timeout. Seriously, it wasn't at the end of the previous run, it wasn't in a dire situation, it saved them very little clock. Just awful.

Surprisingly, the Pats throw on second, and Stallworth is knocked out of bounds after 6. If the Chargers can hold on 3rd, there will be some plays left in this game... but it's Faulk Again, and this one's over. The Patriots Fans don't so much applaud now as they do exhale. And order the car to be brought around. They'll be drinking the good chianti tonight!

Maroney for 2, Maroney for 5, and would it kill you bums to cover the spread? Chargers call their last time out, and CBS dwells on Tomlinson, like he would have made the difference today. Frankly, folks, the real problem injury today was Gates, because without him, the Chargers were not able to be effective in the red zone, and that's where this game was lost. Maroney for another 6, and he loses his footing before he can secure the cover. Terrible!

Maroney becomes the first Patriot to have consecutive 100-yard playoff games since the immortal Craig James. Do you miss when the Patriots could lose playoff games in desultory fashion? I refuse to admit it in either way. The two minute warning is here, and the only people watching this game intently now have to have money on the point spread. Maroney gets the first and we're into kneeldowns. Maroney ends his day with 25 carries for 122 yards, and on a day when Brady got picked 3 times, he was the clear difference.

See you in a few for the New Age Ice Bowl in Wisconsin...

Patriots-Chargers Quasi Live Blog: Third Quarter

The Chargers outgained the Patriots by 70+ yards in the first, and won time of possession. Meanwhile, Bill Cowher and Sterling Sharpe called for Volek instead of Rivers. You have to wonder if they were told to say that for controversy, because there's no way that Norv will throw his QB for future years under the bus like that.

Curiously, Maroney takes the kickoff for the Patriots to start. He gets it to the 39 on another short Kaeding kick. Moss drops an easy ball on first, and the CBS commentators are actively talking about The Distraction. Hmm. Me, I'm wondering when his past history of playoff no-shows gets mentioned. Welker for another easy 9 yarder on second down. Evans converts another third down, and the Pats are in Charger territory. Maroney gets a yard, then Brady takes his first sack of the day on coverage, but it's a minimal loss. On 3rd and 12, Brady gets picked on a tip ball to Drayton Florence, and the Chargers have the ball in Patriots territory. Not a good decision by Brady. Wow.

Turner for 4 to the Patriots 45. Rivers on play action has Jackson wide, wide, wide open. Chargers to the Patriots 28. Play action on the next play is a throw-away, and Rivers really looks bad when he has to run. Chambers makes a ballet move to get them another first, and you can't say too much about how much better he's been in the playoffs, really. Jackson in the flat spins for 6. The wideouts are 11 for 148. Turner for 3, and it's 3rd and 1 from the 5. Very big call here, especially as a stop would be yet another red zone miss.. and Rivers calls time again in this situation. Ouch... and then they wuss out and run Turner to the left, and Seau makes the play for a loss. Kaeding hits again, and it's 14-12, Patriots.

CBS finds Subdued Girl Patriots Fan in the stands. Buck up, girl! Your team is winning!

Kaeding's best kick of the day gets to the 10; Maroney brings it to 33. Seriously, can't Scifres do this? Maroney goes for 18, and I'll say it again -- if the Patriots are going to make plays in the running game, the Chargers can not win. After a timeout, it's Maroney again, breaking a number of tackles but then falling for no gain. Luis Castillo is a beast. A pump fake by Brady who then goes to Moss for 15, who was wide open on the play. Maroney for another 11, and he's been their best player today; no wonder the game is close. He gets another 6, and they're in the red zone. A three tight end formation gets him another 4 and the first. They stay on the ground for nothing on first, and one suspects that Brady will have to pass this in.. and he gets it to Welker at the 2. Can the Chargers get a pass rush? No, but Antonio Cromartie makes a great pick. He mistakingly takes it out of the end zone, and the Chargers will start with bad field position, but still -- that's Brady's third pick of the day, and that's also the Chargers becoming +2 in turnovers for the day. Just what I, um, predicted they'd need... when I took the Patriots and the over.

Turner for 12 on first down, and so much for any Patriot safety hopes. He goes again for 3. On 2nd and 7 from the 19, Rivers misses Gates while on the run, and the Patriots brought pressure. Interesting; one suspects that pressure on Rivers will create good things for the home team. On 3rd and 7, Rivers short arms Manumaleuma from a Harrison blitz, and Scifres is in to punt. He gets it to the Patriot 32 with a bounce, and we're halfway through the third, with the over bet on life support.

Brady to Evans for 14 and a first. CBS notes that the Cromartie pick was the first for Brady in the last 215 red zone attempts; good grief. 62 touchdowns on the other side of that ledger. One suspects that average QBs are in the 2 or 3 to 1 ratio in that part of the field, because a lot of red zone picks is how you lose your job, but still. The quarter ends with the Patriots up by 2, 14-12, in a game that no one predicted.

Patriots-Chargers Quasi Live Blog: Second Quarter

The quarter starts with Maroney converting on 3rd and 1 on a very nice bit of patience; then Brady hits Faulk in the flat, who gets it to the 1. The Patriots are a yard away from wiping away a flat first quarter, and Maroney gets it. Evans with the key block, and what was telling about that last bit of business is that after losing the wind, the Patriots got plays from their running game. The Chargers can't win if the Patriots are getting plays from their running game. 7-3, Patriots.

Sproles has another seam on the return, but is taken down by Gostkowski. LDT still on the sidelines, and the Chargers start from their 30.

Play action to Jackson for 15, probably Rivers' best pass of the day. LDT is said to be down on the decision of Norv; ballsy if true. An ugly quail to Jackson gets another 17, and he was wide open; first time Rivers went on a designed rollout. Turner gets 4, and he's now at 7 for 30. Rivers wiggles about and finds Turner for 5, and they are at the Patriots 31 for 3rd and 1. They go play action and find Jackson again for 21, and this is a heck of an answer, though not exactly the grind it out method you'd expect or want, given the Patriots offense. Turner gets a yard. The Patriots only rush 2, Nantz mistakingly calls it great protection, and Bruschi knocks a bad ball to Gates down. Huge play here... and Rivers calls time. If all you get from two trips to the red zone against the champions is two field goal opportunities, you have to think that's going to be regretted later. Rivers finds Chambers on an underneath crossing route, but he can't beat the tackler, and it's another short figgie, this one from 23. Much better kick, and it's Patriots 7, Chargers 6.

Another short kick from Kaeding is returned by Hobbs to the Patriots 40. If the Chargers really want to win this game, a stand by the defense would help loads. Faulk for 13, and Brady's looking extremely comfortable now. Maroney gets 5 on a play that could have been stopped at 2, and that's what we'd call Telling. Welker takes a tricky screen for a couple, and it's also interesting that the Pats feel it's necessary to go for trickery. 3rd and 3 is a big play... and Jammer knocks down a ball for Moss, who doesn't have a catch today. Also tellingly, the Pats will punt; more often than not in this situation, they'd go for it. It seems to pay off, as Kelley Washington makes a great play in special teams. The Chargers will start at their own 4.

Turner for 4. He's earning himself some money today. He gets another 3 in a middle pile, and is now at 10 for 38. Big play here on third and 3 with 6 minutes left in the quarter... and the Chargers go 4 wide, with Rivers finding Sproles on a nice play in the flat. That was big. Rivers is now 10 of 17 for 105, and just as I was about to write how he was avoiding the big mistake... he throws while falling on pressure from Vrabel, and Samuel outfights Chambers for the interception. Bad play by Chambers as well. The Patriots will start on the Chargers 24, and this is not looking good for the wishes of a competitive game.

Faulk again for 11. Brady then finds Gaffney for an easy touchdown, and after 26 minutes where the road team has done a lot of what they wanted to do, they'll be down by 8. Patriots 14, Chargers 6.

Sproles to the 28, and if the Chargers can get points with this drive, it's still a game; if they can't or turn it over, it won't be. Sproles for no gain, and I think I'd have gone play action there, to show Phillip some confidence and given him more time. Play action on second is 15 to Chambers and a nice play; Chambers has 5 for 58 already, and Phillip seems to be focused on him. The Chargers pick up a stunt and Chambers is open, but the ball is badly underthrown for the second pick of the day, and Simms is making excuses as to the knee. Um, if that's the case, why is he trying to throw the 40 yard ball in the first place, and shouldn't the fact that he was downwind means that an underthrow is really, really bad? That's the kind of ball that might bring in Volek. The Patriots start at their 23 with all three timeouts.

Jammer knocks a ball to Stallworth down, and that could have been a pick, too. The wind must really be messing with the QBS today. Faulk makes yet another play on a run for 8 where he could have gone down for no gain. Two minute warning, and a very big play again here... and for the second time this half, Brady misses Welker. That Achilles' heel slot didn't kill them here. Sproles gets it back to the 35, and the Chargers have 1:45 and 2 timeouts. Heckuva three and out there by the defense.

Draw to Sproles for 6; too much clock running here, as is per usual with the Patriots opponents. Sproles on another draw breaks one all the way to the Patriots 32, and is ruled down before the fumble. A pointless booth review stops the clock at 49 seconds left. The Chargers don't seem to know that the clock runs after the review fails, and they waste 15 seconds before completing a ball to Gates, his first catch of the day, for 8. Gates looked good on that play. On 2nd and 2 with 26 seconds left from the Patriots 23, it's Sproles for a yard and in bounds, wasting the third and final Chargers time out of the half. What is it with the Patriots opponent having no idea how to handle a clock?

If I'm Norv here, this ball's going to the end zone, but he's played it conservative all day. That might have been the plan, and Rivers throws it away under pressure. Kaeding has to hit his first tough kick of the day, and he's only at .500 for his career in the playoffs. Belichick ices him at 12 seconds left in the half, but he sneaks it in anyway, and we'll have a one possession game at the half.

Well, it's not a blowout, and the Chargers secondary has done a great job with Moss and Stallworth. But not getting touchdowns in the red zone will get you killed, and Brady has the patience to beat you with Kevin Faulk and Jabbar Gaffney, if you make him. 14-9, Patriots.

Patriots-Chargers Quasi Live Blog: First Quarter

In the pre-game, we learn the following...

1) Philip Rivers is feisty! Funny, I was thinking another word. And so were the fans of the other 31 NFL teams... and more importantly, he doesn't look good in warm-ups. We're looking at Volek, methinks.

2) It's clear and cold in Massachusetts today, with significant wind. Short of somehow not being cold, this has to favor the Chargers a bit. Maybe they lose by just three touchdowns, instead of five...

3) The guys in the pre-game show are having such a good time, it's infectious! Like, say, e-coli.

Sproles has a seam but not much more, and the Chargers start at the 25... with QB Phillip. LDT gets 3 on a reasonable looking first down run. Crowd seems somewhat into it, and LDT goes up the gut for 2 more. The first big play of the day has Phillip in the shotgun, and he's got a clean pocket and bad execution on a cross-field screen to Sproles. 3 and out and flush; after the Scifres punt, its Welker to the 50, but a late hit on the punter makes it 4th and inches. A ballsy move would be to go for it here, but with your QB balky, a sneak won't be easy... and Norv is going conservative. The re-punt gains them about 24 yards, but it's hard to see how you beat the champs by playing this tight.

Can the Chargers answer? Pats come out 4 wide and Brady misses an open man by a lot; perhaps the wind took that one up a lot. Maroney gets two and a hard hit, and Antonio Gates is running off the field. Hoo boy. 3rd and 8, and all year, this is where the Pats have killed teams... and not quite today, as Brady is bothered by pressure and throws it away. On the replay, Stallworth was open; a mistake by Brady to not get it to him. The punt goes out of bounds with a moment of trepidation, and we're into the first ad break of the day. Score one for Norv to stay conservative, and it looks like neither offense is comfortable in the elements yet.

LDT with a jacket on, watching Turner. Hmm. Rivers throws a timing duck to Chambers for our first first down of the game. Turner slithers for 5, and the Chargers are at midfield. Gates is back on the sideline, and Rivers has time to find Chambers for another first. This is going well for the visitors so far, but they've got to keep it going. On play action, Rivers shot puts it to Jackson, but Samuel knocks it away; bad throw and timing, but again, the QB had time. Gates back in, and a screen to LDT only gets 2. Big third down here... and the Pats bring Harrison, who celebrates after the incompletion by tapping LDT on the helmet. What a nice fellow. After the Scifres punt, the Pats will start at their own 10.

Maroney goes sideway and loses yardage; if the Pats can't run today and the wind keeps up, that's just about perfect for the visitors. On 2nd, Brady has 5 wide and finds Welker for his first completion and the Pats first first down. This is the Achilles' heel that the Chargers really had to be concerned about today. In pressure, Brady misses long, but the home team is going to get Jammer for five yards on a marginal call that Welker cried successfuly for. Maroney gets nothing again, and you start to hear some uneasiness and booing from the crowd. Curious. A quick out to Watson gets 8, and it's another opportunity for the Chargers to get off the ball, but one suspects they'll need a sack to do it. On a LB blitz, Brady misses again, and the Pats will punt. Sproles brings it back to the 40, we're halfway through the first, and the under is looking good.

Georgia Frontiere is shown in memoriam. Um, ok then. I'm sure her husband is happy to see her. And yes, there's nastiness behind that.

Turner for a very nice run through tackles for first, followed up by another 4, and the Chargers are in Patriot territory. Natives are restless, too. Rivers throws a terrible ball, missing Jackson on an out. Another third down where the Chargers could start thinking about points if they convert... and Rivers takes a Seau sack where even the holding penalty couldn't keep the QB clean. After the initial rush, Rivers looked like he was just looking to fall. Scifres' punt goes to the end zone, and the Patriots will start at their 20.

Have the Patriots been stopped on three straight offensive series this year? I'm sure it's happened, but maybe not since the Ravens game. If it happens here, you can pretty much stick a fork in that over bet.

Jammer with a downright easy interception, the first of Brady's career in the first quarter. The booing is downright vociferous as the Chargers start on the Patriots 40. Turner goes for 5 and gets 15 more on a face mask agasint Wilfork; that puts it in the red zone. Turner gets little on the outside, and if you're rooting for the Chargers, you really have to think they need to get 7 out of this, especially with Kaeding being shaky. Chambers bails out Rivers on a contested out, and it's first and goal to the 9. Bad ball, bad decision, Chambers really stepped up. Turner for a yard. Chargers really miss a healthy Gates here... and Norv decides what he really needs here is Lo Neal in the flat, who Rivers misses. What. The. Hell. Third down, and Rivers from the shotgun, and Chambers makes an incredible effort, but can't get the feet down. Kaeding on from 26, into the wind... and he just sneaks it in. That kick might not have been good from 30. Something to keep in mind for later. Chargers 3, Patriots 0.

A short kick into the wind is returned with ugliness, and the Pats start with their best field position of the day. 2:50 left in the quarter. Brady starts with 5 wide again, and gets Welker for 9, easy as it can be. Brady is just 3 for 7 for 29 with the pick right now, and Brady airmails Moss by 10+ yards on an out. Odd. 3rd and 1, and the Pats make a nice call on a run to Heath Evans to get the first. Moss makes the first big play of the day for the Pats on a reverse where the Chargers overpursue, and the 14 yard gain puts the ball to the Charger 39. A WR screen to the always deadly Kevin Faulk gets the Patriots another 14, and the home crowd is starting to settle down. They do the same thing on the next play for 4. On 2nd and 6, it's 5 wide again and short to Stallworth for 5. The quarter ends, and it's hard to say that both teams aren't kind of flat so far.

I Need A Heavier And Much Less Convenient Phone

One of the ways in which you start to realize you are entering the great and terrible box canyon that is middle age is that you start to find yourself rejecting new technologies. Or, at the very least, new designs on old technologies.

Take, for instance, the phone. In the Shooter House, we have one corded phone that's bolted to the wall in the kitchen, and three wireless handsets stationed throughout the house. The Shooter Wife also has a cell phone, and I can get calls on my work Crackberry.

Now, which phone gets used the most? Show of hands?

Correct. The corded one that's bolted to the wall.

Why? Because it's the only one that you know with absolute certainty, where it should be. (We have children.) It's also the only one that can give you any kind of satisfying sound when you slam it down to hang it up, which is how something like 9 out of 10 calls that we get wind up.

Here are the list of things that I want the phone to do: send and receive calls. Maybe, if I'm feeling really techie, I want it to have call waiting. I also want it to take messages if I don't pick it up.

That's it.

I don't want it to take pictures that I will, in all likelihood, never look at again. I don't want it to have a peppy little ringtone that no one else has. (As a matter of fact, if it's a cell phone, I don't want it to have a ring tone at all. If I can't feel it vibrating, so be it.) I don't want it to double as my MP3 player, because then I've got way too much invested in a single piece of technology that, by dint of its size and portability, is in constant danger of being damaged and/or stolen. I don't want it to have bitchin' wallpaper, play freaky games, or be used as a substitute for cash at vending machines.

This makes me old, one suspects, as does the following attitude: I don't care.

If I could replace every phone in the house with corded ones, I would -- big, heavy, industrial age things that make you realize that talking to people is time spent not doing something useful, so you might as well be doing dumbbell curls. Besides, that big long cup of an earpiece... actually lets you hear the person who is calling you. What a concept!

They'd also allow me the single greatest joy left for anyone taking phone calls -- the ability to engage in primal scream-level rudeness by hanging up with extreme prejudice, without having the phone collapse into a tangled heap of dead circuits.

(Oh, and for everyone who loves the wireless because it lets you take a dump while on the phone? Get a corded phone in your bathroom, and try slamming it down there. The acoustics are outstanding. If I had this, I'd keep telemarketers on the phone long enough just to transfer to the other room, just so I could set up the moment. I'd be like a kid at Christmas. A mean kid. With a gun.)

Tune in next week for our loving paean to the joys of typing angrily on a manual typewriter. It's a blogpost and good exercise!

Epic Drop: Top 12 Reasons Jason Garrett Stayed In Dallas

Your list is here, but if you're looking for the reason without jokes, just start counting to three million, for a guy with limited experience who has spent his time limiting the impact of Marion Barber, and rushing a not-ready Terry Glenn back into the lineup just in time to contribute to The Big Choke. Let's just say that if you can't beat a team at home when your defense holds the opponent to less than 60 second half yards and no fourth quarter first downs... maybe you're not, um, worth more than any other offensive coordinator in the league. Just maybe.

FTT Saves You Over 4,500 Words of Bill Simmons

I enjoy masturbating to the 2007 Patriots.

I also enjoy masturbating to the 1986 Celtics.

It is hard to decide which team is more deserving of my masturbation.

I will have to think about it some more.

Conference Championship Week: Suck My Chalk, Please

Giants at PACKERS - The Pack is a 7.5 point favorite, with a 40 point over / under.

It's said so often that it has to be a cliche, but that doesn't make it less true: the quarterback gets too much credit when a team wins, and too much blame when the team loses. Put that truism on steroids, HGH and a rare form of Bolivian rat extract, synthesized with an infusion of that glowing yellow-green goop that powers your average muscled supervillain... and that just starts to approximate the level of what's been happening with Eli Manning.

The Unstoppable Citizen Watch pitchman has posted the following combined statistics in the Giants two road playoff wins: 32 for 45 for 348 yards and 4 touchdowns. No picks, no fumbles.

Efficient low yardage. Low risk. In both games, his team had a first-down free quarter -- in Tampa Bay, the first, and in Dallas, the fourth. He's also taken four sacks. It's good, but if you were to ask me for a top 5 list of reasons why the Giants are still alive, Eli's sitting at #4, behind the DL, the RBs and the coaching.

And yet, since we are so wrapped up in the belief that the quarterback has to be the reason why a team wins or loses... because it so often is. And the germ of the idea creeps in, which is that he's really turned a corner, that maybe the loss of Shockey was the best thing that could have ever happened to him, and come to think of it, the way he brushed off Benedict Barber at the start of the year was pretty cool...

And only a Grinch or Giants Hater would then note that with just one more win, he finally will have reached the heights of Kerry Collins.

In both of their wins, they've had help. The Bucs had a hobbled Galloway. The Cowboys had a rusty Glenn and Owens at less than 100%. Garcia and Romo were both rattled by the Giants' pressure; Favre and the Packers, by the numbers this year, were the best in the NFC against that. And at some point, the wide-open receivers in the middle of their secondary have to cost them, just as they did against the Patriots.

Credit should also be given to the coaching staff for (finally?) accentuating what Eli does well -- a quicker than average release with good accuracy on short throws -- and limiting what he does poorly (improv and locking in on a single receiver, which leads to backbreaking picks). It's as if they finally accepted him for what he is, 40+ games into a career that didn't look like it was going anywhere pleasant. At the start of the year, most people thought the Giants were a last-place finisher in the NFC East, with somewhere between 5 and 8 wins. They've succeeded beyond their wildest hopes, and Eli, to me, has become the starter by merit instead of by heritage. I have officially retired the Fredo nickname, and Giants fans can no take him to their heart as much as they did Collins or the pre-Super Bowl winning Phil Simms.

So why am I going to the poisoned well for the third time and betting against them? Because I just don't see their ceiling as being high enough to win a game when the other team plays well, and at some point, someone's bound to do that. (People point to the Pats game in Week 17 as a big clue, but the Pats won that game as soon as they decided to blitz.)

The Giants gained a whopping 57 yards in the second half in Dallas last week, and won the game. Roll that around in your head for a little while. They are also going against a nasty history for the road team playing its third week in the NFC: this way almost always leads to a 20+ plus loss.

Against a Packers team that has a very good running game when Ryan Grant isn't putting the ball on the ground, and a defense that can make good WRs disappear... well, as the economists say, things that can't continue don't. And we're not even getting into the problem that the Giants defense is entirely dependent on getting a big pass rush, and the Packers are the best team in the NFC at getting the ball out fast.

PACKERS 27, Giants 17 -- which gives me the Packers plus the OVER.

* * * * *

Chargers at PATRIOTS -- Pats are a 14.5 point favorite with a 46.5 point over

Let's start with the good news for the road team here. Tomlinson seems likely to play, and if he can't, it's (shh) really not that big of a drop to Turner and Sproles, because both of those guys are good. The Chargers also have a potential advantage in special teams, where Mike Scifres came through huge when they needed a big punt, and both kickers were shaky last week. Chambers and Jackson have played their best two games of the season in the last two weeks. After last week's off-the-charts upset in Indy (seriously, has the defending Super Bowl champions ever lost a playoff game at home when the other team was without its three best offensive players?), they are playing with house money here. No one thinks they can win, and the Patriots haven't covered a spread in a long time. Finally, the Patriots have no home field advantage, and I don't buy the idea that it's all the field's fault. Their fans are so spoiled and delusional, they honestly think that no one has ever booed a Punt Pass and Kick contestant for wearing the wrong colors before. (Seriously, Pats Fans are hated for more than the reason that their teams are good. I'd go into the reasons why, but I only have these two hands and so many pills left on my prescription.) Finally, as perhaps the biggest underdog ever in a conference championship, maybe they'll come in with exceptional We've Been Disrespected Fuel.

Unfortunately, that's about it, and it's nowhere near enough.

The Patriots have the (vastly superior) coach. They are at home against a warm-weather California team, at night, with temperatures in the 20s to 30s. The Chargers have real problems with slot receiver coverage; the Patriots feast on that. The Chargers get almost all of their QB pressure out of two players, leaving them susceptible to good game preparation by a focused coaching opponent. They are likely to start their backup quarterback, who has arm strength and ball control issues. And they are going against what might be the best team in NFL history, with a strong edge in postseason experience. The Pats have the best offense in the history of the league. The Chargers have... Billy Volek.

Can the Chargers beat the Patriots? Yes, but it will require an astounding set of circumstances. First, Cromartie will have to make Moss disappear in solo coverage (hint: hit him early and hard), and maybe even come up with a pick or two. Merriam and Phillips will have to put Brady on the ground. The Chargers will have to be at least +2 in turnovers, and get more big plays out of special teams. Gates will have to be at nearly 100% and come up with over 100 yards. They can't fall behind by more than 10 points at any time, they have to control time of possession, they have to maintain their composure when the breaks and penalty calls go against them, and they have to finish the game on offense with their running game... and no one has managed to do that to the Patriots defense in the fourth quarter all year. That's been their secret in the close games; late, they shut the door, and their offense kicks it down.

People generally think that the way to beat this Patriots team is to simply outscore them in a shootout, but I don't think that's it. I think you have to have the ball for 40 minutes, and score slowly. Converting a surprise onside kick might help, too. It's not beyond the realm of possibility that the Chargers can do that. They're good on the lines.

Or they could just send some disposable defensive player after Brady's knees, the way that the blogosphere has been waiting / hoping / praying for since about, oh, October first.

The prevailing winds are that the Patriots are 8 to 1 favorites. In their biggest wins of the year, the Colts had no running game and made critical turnovers, and kept a so-so Titans team in the game late at home. They won a bad division, they're beat up, and it's hard to shake the feeling that bad blood and history or no, they're just kind of happy to be here. None of that -- and especially not the QB -- leads me to think this is going to be much of a game, though I do suspect the cover is going to be touch and go, because I suspect the Pats are going to get bored.

Pats 31, Chargers 16 -- which gives me the Pats plus the OVER.

Now, having said all of that.. boy, I'm just hoping the games are good. (There will also be, as I'm sure you are breathlessly awaiting, the return of the Quasi Live Blog, assuming another child doesn't combust.) Happy gambling!

Epic Drop: Top 12 Elephants in the Room of Pro Sports

Your link is here, and it's very likely to be the first time that anyone in the history of sports blogging went for a New Yorker style cartoon. I have my finger on the pulse of what the sports blog reading public wants -- and it's not titties, dammit, it's urbane irony and world-weary comical perspectives!

To the Ranting Street Preacher at My Train Station

And a cheery good morning to you, sir!

First off, I love the look and the tone you've got going -- truly, nothing quite says clear spiritual divinity like looking like a longshoreman and crack-of-dawn hectoring -- but I've got a few bones to pick with you.

First off, do you have any idea what kind of marketing gold that you've struck, bellowing as you do to hundreds of New York commuters every 20 minutes, and probably for a good couple of hours, assuming that my train is not the only one that's favored by your oratory?

I work in marketing, sir, and the amount of attention and eyeballs that you've grudgingly received is impressive, especially considering the prime zip codes that you are, um, servicing. By the time you are done with your morning pastime, you've probably reached well over two thousand of us, judging by the size of the parking lot. If you were to purchase that audience with direct mail, you'd spend a few bucks; radio, a few more. Prime time television on a hot show via local cable could up the ante a bit more. Pretty soon, we're talking real dollars. Even more than ad-supported blogs!

But what you do, with full sound and video, no fast-forward or skipping, and the only way to really avoid the message is to have an MP3 player, a strong ability to ignore the outside world or the sense to wait for the station in the warmth of the station, rather than out in the cold? That's got to be worth more. Much more.

And that's really the crux of the matter, isn't it? You're hitting us with a decidedly downmarket message. While it's true that we may in fact go to our eternal damnation before the end of the day if we don't open our hearts to whatever flavor of Messiah you happen to be peddling today... and your ability, perhaps, to inform us of the same point tomorrow or whenever else you come to favor us with a visit... well, it's just not playing to this area. That's why you stand on the other side of the platform, isn't it -- so that you have some distance from the cruel indifference that your art is subject to?

And I have to tell you, that's going to get worse. By not varying the message, the production values or the seasonality of your pitch, you are risking creative wearout. If you really want us to perk up our ears in the few minutes before the train shows up, maybe you should open with a joke. Here, I've got one for you, free of charge:

"Why did the commuters ignore the ranting lunatic across the train track?"

"To get to a spiritual place where they felt at peace with their souls and their maker, rather than becoming beholden to the random, ugly and mean-spirited gibberish that was on the other side."

Yeah, I know, probably too long. I'll punch it up later and re-post. How about this...

"What chance do the Giants have at going into Lambeau and beating the Packers for their third straight road playoff win?"

"The same chance that a person who seems to be homeless, self-medicated and lacking any sense of shame or self-consciousness has of being the true Voice of God."

That one's better, but my area is pretty split among Eagles and Giants fans, so we might have to talk about the presidential elections.

Anyway, I need to wrap this up before my readers tune me out from not getting something uplifting about the sporting life, but let me close with just one more suggestion -- advertising. I'm serious about that market penetration thing you've got going here. Would you consider wearing some article of clothing, perhaps, that shows that you're not just a bullying bellicose unpleasantry that the transit police should probably treat like your average hobo, but also a fan of, say, Timberland(R) or The North Face winter apparel? Maybe a mention or two about it. Or, given your predilection for the flames, some mention of how even Coppertone or Neutrogena sunblock won't save us from painful chafing and cracked and broken skin in the fires below. That kind of brand awareness is solid gold, baby!

(And if you'd prefer to keep it organic and local, I'd be more than happy to talk to you about wearing a Five Tool Tool T-shirt, and maybe treating your commuting audience to the latest that the site has to offer. Heck, I'd do it myself, but I've got, you know, I'm too close to the brand. It'd be like writing your own PR.)

Thank you, and happy pilgrimming!

Epic Drop: Top 10 NFL Realities That We Will Look Back At One Day With Amazement and Derision

Your link is here, and I more or less believe all of them, especially the spring league point. Seriously, the NFL isn't the most popular league, it's the most popular five leagues -- and it goes away for the majority of the year. It also leaves large markets fallow for expansion, despite the fact that one of its most successful franchises (and a Final Four team this year) is in the equivalent of a mid-sized suburb.

When you talk about NFL expansion, there's always one standard line that the naysayers throw out there -- that there simply isn't enough quality QBs to go around, and the game would be horrible to watch. And yet, there's no shortage of decent RBs (witness the constant supply of useful backups from a fantasy standpoint, and no shortage of any other position... so, um, I suspect the QB shortage is actually fixable. You know, with coaching and player development. And if we're talking about monetizing twice the amount of the year, one suspects that developing a few QBs can happen.

Waiter, Checks Please

This is how much fun the Knicks season has become... even on the very rare occurrence that they win, they lose. Starchild Marbury watched Sunday's game from the locker room with the Knicks' other inactive players, due to what the team first reported was a sore ankle, and is now starting to be More Than That.

First, I want to imagine the atmosphere around the Knicks' inactive players. Is it festive, since they are men of leisure, millionaires, relatively anonymous and living the high life in Funtown New York... or is it funereal and cutthroat, because not being good enough to play for this team has to be a grand and telling statement that you are Not Long for a career in professional basketball? I'm surprised someone hasn't written an excruciating ESPN teleplay about it, really.

Now, getting back to the Heart-Eating Bacteria that seems to be sapping the Knicks of their phenomenally expensive loser point guard... normally this would seem the kind of crap your kid would pull when they wanted out of school. But given how incompetent the Knicks are on and off the court, maybe it's more. After all, wouldn't Isiah hire medics of a like, um, for lack of better word, mind?

Finally, there's this: on most NBA teams, the veterans on bad NBA teams do not impress one with effort once they are out of contention. Injuries become chronic, day to day becomes week to week, and Gosh Darn It All, I want to get out there and help us finish the year strong, but this chronic condition is just making it impossible. But don't worry, I'm working out like a madman so that I'll be even better next year!

Now, even on the best of franchises that are not frequent visitors to the Seacaucus Bowl of Failure known as the Draft Lottery, this happens and no one much cares, because it's a nice way to see if the young players on the bench have anything to offer. But it usually happens in March and April... not mid-January, when a team is presumably still mathematically capable of making a run. But with this Knicks team, expertly engineered and managed to be heart-free on so many levels?

Well, let's just say that it's a good thing there's a development league. Because by the end of the year, I'm going to be surprised in the Knicks can field a team without it. (And no signing people from the stands. They won't be there either.)

The Mannings Are Fast, Sloppy, and Expensive

Warning: this post has things that once seen and known, may not be unseen or unknown. If you catch my drift.

I can't embed the video from this link, and some part of me thinks that you should not go here unless I'm getting cash (warning: sound) so I'll wait here while you click on it, then come back.

(checks watch, shifts weight from foot to foot, gets caught up in Crackberry)

Oh, you're back. Now, I'm not a Manning Hater, and it's hard to really crack on guys for cashing an easy paycheck. They're athletes, not artists, so expecting them to do anything but whore themselves out is naive at best, and having a sense of humor about themselves is to be encouraged and all... but, um, Boys?

Perhaps -- just perhaps -- you'd be better off not showing yourselves lapping up creamy white substances with the rabbit-like enthusiasm of your average 14-year-old "professional" in Thailand, to the point where they get all over your face, for money, on television.

Or, at least, if you're going to go that way, maybe not appearing in special clothes to do it. Have some sense of decorum. From what I've read, this kind of thing is usually more of a circle/campfire/airport restroom kind of thing. (Seriously, is there a product or service these people won't endorse? NAMBLA, maybe?)

Epic Drop: Top 10 Reasons Why Tins Took All The Shots In OT

Your list is here, and we have an official FTT Tip O' The Hat to The Beta Doug, a frequent fantasy league competitor and keen NBA observer, for alerting me to this remarkable performance from the Pacers' Jamaal Tinsley.

You'd have to be keen to observe Tins from close range. That, or a masochist. Seriously, this guy is horrible, though you can get by with him in roto leagues, assuming you've pretty much written off field goal percentage, or shame.

This Post Is Obvious And Irresistable And Haz Videoz Anz Cheezburger

The first approach: Leave Romo ALONE! HE'S A HUMAN! Anyone who wants to deal with Romo has to deal *with me*. LEAVE ROMO ALONE RIGHT NOW!

Second, less obvious and yet still highly valid, especially for Eagles Fans (audio much more than video)...



Hey, TO? I think we all liked you better when you were throwing your QB under the bus. That seemed less, you know, like an absolute self-delusional lie than this, where clearly someone has gotten into your mic and told you that you won't make the Hall of Fame by being the worst teammate in the world in public.

As for Romo, this is also a lay up... He's 0-2 in playoff games, 0-2 in relationships with useless blonde quasi-celebrities... but on the bright side, Cabo does make people forget FumbleGate, right? Right???

Epic Drop: Top 11 NFL Storylines That Will Be Beaten Into The Ground This Week

Your link is here, and for the record, I think it's a crying shame that KanYe gets so much disrespect... but maybe it's good for the world that he does, because he's just the kind of man who feeds off that kind of thing. That would make him unique among rap artists.

And in other news, anyone who thinks we're not getting Packers-Patriots is from New York or Southern California, and they probably don't either, really.

Sundary Wrap Up

I watched the games from a hospital room, where my youngest had been admitted with a case of bronchitis. (She's more or less fine, but y'all will understand why the Quasi Live Blog didn't happen. Had other priorities and all.)

The following five points from today's Chalky Death...

1) Both Norv Turner and Tom Coughlin got away with fairly unconscionable conservative play-calling late in the game. With 2:01 left after the Chargers held on fourth, Turner called a run, despite the fact that the clock was going to stop no matter what. I understand that you were working with your backup and might want to be very safe, but a quick out was probably as safe as a run there, and gave them a much better chance at getting the first down. Instead, three runs into the middle gave the Colts back after only 20 seconds of clock ran and two timeouts were used, and extended the game for the home team. For the Giants, once again it was three runs when a first down would have ended the game in the fourth.

If either road team had blown it, the coaches would have been pilloried, so give it up for them when the play-calling with a stick up your ass works. (The Steelers' Mike Tomlin is going to see that lame QB bootleg call in his nightmares, so...)

2) People always talk about patience in the running game in the first half, but it stands to reason that you need to be patient with it in the second half, too. Marion Barber was a huge part of the Cowboys attack in the first half, and they more or less forgot about him in the fourth quarter. For a team that had worn teams out and dominated them with Barber late all year, it was curious. Of course, it's hard to play call with patience with both hands grasped tightly around your neck...

3) I watched the late game on a scrambled signal with static on the audio. Surprisingly, it actually made Fox even more irritating to deal with, and it also convinced me that I have a serious NFL problem... in that I was watching the equivalent of an '80s porn cable channel, with two teams that I more or less hate. The things I do for you people.

4) The Peyton Manning Haters will be out in force for his failure to get the go-ahead touchdown from four cracks inside the 10, and if you're going to compare him to Tom Brady, maybe you've got an argument. But from where I was watching, the two picks were both from the receivers dropping balls, and the Harrison fumble was absolutely devastating. Finally, he got about 50 yards from his running game, Addai did him no favors, and his defense couldn't get stops on a team without its top three offensive weapons. It wasn't his best day, but without Manning, the Colts lose this game by three touchdowns.

5) Finally, is there a stupider stat than the Number of Fourth Quarter Comebacks that a QB has engineered? Seriously, NFL announcers, this is like telling us that Bob Wickman was the best closer in baseball last year because he had the most saves. Show me a QB with a ton of fourth quarter comebacks, and I'll show you a guy that's played a long time on a team with a weak defense -- not necessarily the best guy to have in that situation. Percentages, please. We're allowed to be smart while still watching football.

No Quasi Live Blogs Today

Family emergency. Expect something late, in the form of a general wrap-up. (Sorry to overly concern anyone. It was more inconvenience than emergency.)

You Bastards

Five Tool Tool had its birthday yesterday, and did any of you notice? No presents, cake, not even a lousy card or exciting game to live blog about. All we got was the Ghost of Marilyn Monroe jumping as much as she could in a dress that clearly was too tight for her, the poor girl.

That's it -- hold my calls. I'll be in the bar, drinking myself to an early grave. You ingrates.

Patriots-Jaguars Quasi Live Blog: Fourth Quarter

On a huge 3rd and 5 at the start of the quarter, Wilford makes a great catch, then gets an extra 15 from the late hit from Model Citizen Rodney Harrison. Patriot Fan is Outraged, and will call its solicitor! Garrard finally runs and gets nine. On second and one, they stay basic with Fred for the first. Williams gets wide open and collects a rare bad ball for another 25, and the Jags are at the 21. Garrard avoids Harrison on a blitz and throws incomplete. MoJo shows he's special with a 3 yard gain. Simms shows he's an idiot by saying they don't need a touchdown, and MoJo slams out a first from a toss in the flat to avoid the blitz. First down, Jags at the Patriots 9, and MoJo tells the crowd to shush. Don't do that, Mojo, those people have long memories and attornies on retainer for psychological distress!

Mojo is met by Seau in the backfield and treats him like an old uncle, then gets 2 more. From the 7, Harrison drops an INT in a bad mistake by Garrard, and it's third and goal. Jones can't haul in a jump ball, and the Jags choose Scobee, like they've got a defense. He hits from 25, and it's Patriots 28, Jaguars 20. We're just two points from the over!

Jags are lucky to avoid a late hit on the kickoff return, and the Patriots start from their 20. With 9:39 left, the Jags finally spring a run blitz, and Maroney gets a yard. Oh, that canny Jack del Rio -- he's saved up his blitzes for just the last ten minutes! On 2nd and 9, Stallworth reminds us all that he's in the game too, with a tip drill catch off his face down the sideline that goes for 49. Huge play, and the Patriots are on the 26 -- but honestly, why not get beaten by the big play, where at least the clock doesn't run as much?

Maroney gets two, then Stallworth again for 7. Brady is at 96% completion right now, which on the bright side, would at least get Simms out of the record books. On third and one, Welker drops a ball that would have gotten him a first... and Gostkowski comes out to try again from 35. He hits, and We Have The Over! Patriots 31, Jaguars 20. (And if that bastard Gostkowski had hit the earlier field goal, we'd also have the cover. Yes, I'm bitter.)

The Jags try trickery on the kickoff return and get nothing from it; they'll start from their own 15, not that bad field position has bothered them much all night. With 6:31 left in the game, MoJo goes for 12, and it's time for everyone's favorite game... watch the Patriots opponent fail to use the clock wisely! A broken play gets Garrard a yard and keeps the clock running. Garrard also looks a little woozy, but not enough to miss MoJo for 4 in the flat. Third and 5, clock still ticking away under five minutes... and Garrard is betrayed by Northcutt again, though Garrard probably should have ran for the first.

The game ends on this play if the Jags don't get it... and they call their second timeout on top of things. Northcutt saves the game and Samuel then gets another 15 yards, while Harrison cries. That gets them to the Patriots 45 with 4:34 left, and We Still Have A Ballgame, Kind Of.

Adalius Thomas finally gets his name said with a nice block on a first down pass, but the ball falls to the turf. Garrard avoids a sack and gets four like a young Donovan McNabb (yes, I went there); he just has a calm sense while running that's noteworthy. Third and six from the Patriots 41, need at least another first down to think about the field goal... and the ball pinballs around on tight coverage to Lewis. 4th and 6 and we're back to The Last Play, and then Rodney Harrison does what he always does, which is end the game with a pick.

The Pats have the ball with four minutes left, and the only suspense left is whether or not they will cover. Earlier in the year, this would be a lock, but in the second half of the year, the Pats have played it close to the vest, and they give it to Maroney twice for 2 yards. On third and 8 with 2:38 left, Brady calls time; one suspects they will keep it on the ground, but then again, Moss doesn't have a touchdown in this game, and the Patriots do enjoy their little Statements. They send three wide, and Stallworth embarrasses the DB with a stiff arm and runs through him. Moss didn't do much in this game, but Stallworth and Welker certainly did.

Brady ends the night at 26 for 28, and one of the two was an easy and bad drop. The Jags certainly gave him a lot of easy throws to make, but he made them all. This isn't news, but he's the best QB on the planet right now (assuming, of course, that Eli's Older Brother doesn't show him up in a week).

They give it to Maroney a few more times, and our great dream of a spectacularly cheap cover dies on a third and 3 play where he doesn't take it to the house. But the Patriots will have to finally punt the ball, which has to count as some sort of moral victory, right? And that's your ball game.

The Jags are a nice little team, and if Garrard can make the leap from deluxe game manager to actual game winner, they could be more than that. But there was nothing particularly impressive about their game plan tonight. No defensive wrinkles, no sign that they learned anything from the Eagle or Raven games. And from a team with a coach that seemed suspect, in a division with the Colts and a conference with the Pats... that just makes you a consistent second round loser. (And if Fred Taylor gets old, leading to too much wear and tear on Mojo, maybe not even that.)

As for the Patriots and their fans, one has to assume that they felt satisfied for minutes on end with this win, and that thos minutes started when Harrison made the pick, and ended when the clock showed zeroes. They'll either get the real Super Bowl when the Colts come to town, or the first of two coronation games when the Chargers swagger in. They certainly didn't show any weakness that we all didn't know about already, along with the grim possibility that Brady can actually turn it up a notch more.

Thanks for riding with this, and we'll be back tomorrow...

Patriots-Jaguars Quasi Live Blog: Third Quarter

I missed the first few minutes from putting my kid to bed, but I'm back as the Patriots move into Jaguars territory with a long run to Maroney. There's rarely, really, a doubt that this Patriots offense is going to score; it's more a question of how... and we have a Brady incompletion! Zoot alors! The crowd is sniffing as if the servants haven't washed. It's nearly met by its mate, but Faulk makes a fingertip catch, and it's another 8 yards. I think the Jaguars are trying to bore the Patriots into losing. On 3rd and 3, Gaffney is open on a crossing pattern as Brady continues to have absolutely no pressure.

Why not just drop all 11, if you're not going to rush the passer? On trickery that, frankly, was as necessary as tipping the butler, Brady throws to Welker for a go-ahead score. The crowd, sensing novelty, puts on their special white clapping gloves, and give the Patriots a rousing 15 seconds of bonhomie. New England 21, Jacksonville 14, I'm liking my chances on that 49.5 point over, and the fact that Welker got four catches on that drive and the touchdown is why the applause lasted for 15 seconds, instead of the customary 10.

From the 31, Taylor for 4, then 3. On 3rd and 3, again with a curious lack of pressure, it's Matt Jones on the slant for the first. Garrard is now 13 of 15. Jags go back to what they are: Taylor for 3. Jags are 14 for 53 on the ground so far, and then Garrard escapes mild pressure to find Jones on another open crossing route, this one for 29. A false start pushes them out of the red zone, and the Jags really have no reason for that penalty -- the Patriot Fans have barely told their servants to yell loud yet, but long distances are trouble. Fred for 4, and the Jags call time as they are showing an empty backfield. Good move, considering that the empty backfield was their formation on the Garrard fumble in the first. When you've got two solid running backs, I like keeping on in the backfield, especially when the defense is more or less terrified of the young and fast one.

On second and 11, the Pats decide that blitzes are good, and get an ugly incompletion. Third down is a big one... and Northcutt can't hold on, and it could have easily been seven points. Scobee hits from 39, but you don't beat the Juggernaut when you leave points on the table. Ouch. 21-17, Patriots.

From their 24, Brady has to move a little to find Welker, but the 5 yard gain gets 15 more for a late hit on Brady. Seemed ticky-tack to me, but then again, hitting Saint Tom is always diecy. Maroney for 29 where he isn't touched until the last yard, and it's getting hard to see how the Jags defense is going to make enough plays to give the offense a chance in this game. Maroney to the right for 11, and the Patriot Fans are actually starting to warm to this running game thing -- it's piquant! Welker for zero on a screen, then another 7 to him. Not sure Randy Moss is in this game, really... not that they really need him. On 3rd and 3, it's Watson for his second touchdown of the night, and CBS favors us with a close up of their mascot violently dry-humping. Patriots 28, Jaguars 17, and Brady is now 23 of 24 with 3 TDs. The Jags may want to try Plan B on defense now.

MoJo hasn't been a factor in special teams, and a hold will make it worse. Mojo for zero, and the crowd is getting enthused, as they sense the game will be over soon, and that the Patriots are likely to cover!

Patriots-Jaguars Quasi Live Blog: Second Quarter

Bad things happen for MoJo on the kickoff. 2 for Fred, then another easy first down throw for Lewis, who gets hurt and fumbles, but Mojo scoops it up. Huge potential loss, but Garrard just hits some guy named Smolko for 8, because he's a TE and the TE is always open against the Pats. Jags just seem to want to throw a lot, and Mojo finally gets a nice burst for 10 up the middle. Mojo for 18 on a screen, and the Patriots LBs are not liking this game at all. From the Patriots 48, Fred goes for 15 and almost went for 48; another very bad play for the LBs. Taylor for another 5 plus a face mask, and the Jags are threatening to tie this one up. MoJo off a tipped ball gets 5. Taylor right down the gut, gloriously, for 7. Taylor for a hard yard to the one, but on second down, a false start pushes them back to the 6. Garrard then throws an absolutely gorgeous ball to Ernest Wilford, and it's 14-all. Wow. Who knew Garrard could play this well? That's just your basic 95 yard drive on the road, down a touchdown, with the world going against you. Never even got to a third down. Wow. If the Jags defense can show up on this drive, this could get, um, interesting.

QBs are 18 of 19 for 225 yards at this point, with 3 TDs. Yeesh. Brady starts from the 19, and hits Maroney for 7 on a screen with yet another missed tackle. Faulk for 4 and the first. Maroney finally gets met and tackled in the backfield for a one yard loss, which is followed by an easy 9 yard outlet to Welker. On 3rd and 2 from a place in the field that even Belilchick might punt from, a 4 yard out to Gaffney for the first. New England fans react with a waving of their programs, and a call for more white Zin.

Brady to Brady for a dozen, and the Zin is now being sniffed with approval. Maroney for 6 is applauded by the beer drinkers up high, but it's not a touchdown, so the sigh is palpable. Maroney gets another six, and the crowd is antsy -- there hasn't been a New England touchdown for, like, minutes. Patriots go for trickery, and Welker gets 12; the Jags miss the opportunity to beat Brady senseless while it's legal and he's blocking. At the two minute warning, we still have seen almost no evidence of defense in this game, and despite it being a tight game, that kind of thing does eventually rankle a body.

Faulk for 3 as the Patriots want to run clock before scoring. Brady dances and then sits as he sees a flag go down; it's a 15 yard chop block, an obvious and awful play that should make a defender livid. The yards could impact even the Juggernaut, as they curiously run a draw. Maroney gets 9, and it's 3rd and 14 from the 25. Big play here... and the Pats go underneath to Welker, who almost gets his helmet ripped off as he goes to the ground. 57 seconds left, and the Jags call time, anticipating a NE figgie try. Conservative for Brady and Belichick to not try the end zone on the last two plays, but they are the Jugernaut and We're Not... and it seems ever worse when Gostkowski misses from 35. Wow. He didn't miss by much, but he missed. That's another break the Juggernaut did not get, and the Patriot Fans are so mad, they might just send the Zinfandel back. With prejudice.

From the 25, Lewis fights for 8 but does not get the call of getting out of bounds. A bad overthrow to Northcutt hurts, and we've got 26 seconds left and a third and 3. Might want to think about running it here... and they do with MoJo, who doesn't get it. The Pats call time with 19 seconds left; they've got two left. We will have a punt tonight! Welker gets it back to the 31 with 9 seconds left, and it'll be curious here to see if the Pats go with the Chuck It High To Randy Ploy, or just sit on it. They sit, and we're tied at the half.

Highly interesting.

Patriots-Jaguars Quasi Live Blog, First Quarter

Let me start this off by saying that I think the Jags have come off as total pussies (what? it's a cat reference) by playing games with the whole asterisk thing on their Web site. Honestly, if you are going to come in and be the trash talking heel thing, don't back down. If they somehow manage to win this game *and* talk trash before it, that would be the most memorable game in their history. Even if they went on to win the Super Bowl.

MoJo on the opening kickoff had no option but to sit on the ball. A bad sign for the visitors!

Taylor for 5; 15 more of those would be fun to watch. Marcedes Lewis pulls in an easy throw for big yards, A 3-yard loss by Fred is a problem, as this offense can't be in too many obvious throwing downs. Garrad finds Northcutt in the flat for 8 on a throw that took forever, and could have been jumped -- something to keep an eye on for later. Simms, having no clue, is talking about how the Jags have changed field position. Not sure he's actually watched any Patriots games this year, really.

Mojo is short on third and three, and from the Patriots 43, del Rio rolls the dice and goes for it. On a rollout where he could have kept it for the first, Garrard decides instead to swing for the fences, and he finds Lewis again for 34 yards. That's a game-changer right there, assuming this one stays close late.

Fred for a yard, and the crowd is quiet, but it's New England -- the crowd is always quiet, because they're spoiled beyond human imagination. CBS flashes a graphic of how the Pats have not allowed opening drive points in any prior Belichick playoff game, and Garrard throws it away on second down. On the third down, Garrard shows major cojones by hitting Matt Jones while falling for the touchdown. A replay shows he might have been down, and I'm expecting a review and Huge Patriot Break... but it doesn't happen. 7-0 Jags.

The first play of the Patriots drive is a sack, and all Jacksonville needs to do is convince the NFL to stop the game now and declare them victors. Brady recovers to drive the Pats down the field, with the biggest play being a 4th and 4 ball to Moss that gets them 15. It's Maroney, Gaffney, then Watson to complete things, and the big problem for Jacksonville is that Brady looks absolutely bored while doing it. He's 5 for 5 on the drive, with Watson getting the touchdown.

I realize that CBS is probably thrilled that this game looks tight and tough, but it's hard to imagine the Jags' offense staying at this level. The Patriots? Not so much.

Taylor can't make a man miss, and it's 2nd and 10. Pats show blitz, and Garard hits Northcutt easily for 19. In an empty backfield, Garrard gets bumped and drops the ball, and just that quickly, the Pats are smelling blood at the Jag 30.

Pass, run, pass to Faulk, and the Pats are content to nibble like piranhas. From the 11 on second and 1, Maroney gets hammered, forcing a third down. If the Jags really want to win this game, making a big play here would be highly advisable. It doesn't happen, as Maroney drives it all the way to the 1, and if he's going to do that, the Pats aren't ever going to lose. From the 1, the Jags stop Maroney again, and that's the quarter. 7-7 tie.

Packers-Seahawks Quasi Live Blog, Fourth Quarter

On second down from the 5, the Seahawks get nailed with a roughing the passer call that seemed somewhat marginal to me, but hitting Saint Brett is always dicey. A first down carry for Grant goes nowhere, but the second and goal from the 1 is easier, as Grant scores his third touchdown of the game, and it's 42-20, Pack.

Now that the horse has left the glue factory, it's Alexander for 8, but Engram drops the 2nd and 2 rollout. Hasselbeck's not, um, taking this loss well. He checks out and tries Burleson on third and 2, but the ball is deflected... and Holmgren chooses the ice flow over actually trying with a punt. Considering that the Seahawks defense has made no plays that haven't been Ryan Grant gifts today, curious. Who's the bigger quiche eater, the Walrus or the Electric Kicker? My vote actually goes to Seahawks Fan, who has been crying for PI the whole game. How many calls were you expecting to get on the road, and did you really expect to win a game without a run defense?

Grant for 28, and he's just been huge since that first minute. Siragusa has officially lost interest, and is now driving little cars around, like the Shriner Wannabe that he is. Grant finally runs out of gas, and the Pack finally punts. Grant has over 200 yards, and the Pack had scored touchdowns on the previous six possessions. I don't like their defense much, really, but they just might score enough points to lose in three weeks, not one.

With 9:11 left -- did something once happen on a 9/11? I'm not sure -- Hasselbeck with a long gain to Obomanu. Morris does his Alexander impersonation by going down on first contact, but at least it was in the face, so there's another 15. On the first down from the 40, Hasselbeck slips on a live ball, and the refs give him big charity to call it a forward incompletion. OK, Seahawks Fans, you can no longer complain about the refs! Woodson nearly picks the second down ball. Obomanu drops the third down completion and gets hurt, This game has been 42-6 since the Grant gifts. On fourth and 10, Pollard, the goat of the game, whiffs on another ball, and that's the end of his Seahawks career, one suspects. Pack ball with 8:03 left.

Brandon Jackson, a tiny back, stiffarms two Seattle defenders to the turf, and let's just say we're not awash in Seahawk Pride. The Pack still don't run the ball when you know it's coming, and on third, one suspects that Favre throws his last ball of the day long to Martin. Punt time, 5:35 left, and the announcers are talking about front office personnel that no one in the audience knows or cares about.

A KBG sighting, as the spent force gets a sack. Darryl Johnston is now imploring the Seahawks to show pride and play sixty minutes. Um, Darryl, they played five minutes, and were up 14 points. The last 55? not so much

I'm stepping away before Fox makes me watch too many more American Idol commercials. See you for the late game.

Packers-Seahawks Quasi Live Blog: Third Quarter

Fox starts the second half by noting fantasy numbers, as if anyone is still playing that. Fools! Hasselbeck pules for a call on a first down incompletion, then hits Engram for a short gain. Seattle is already crying to the refs, and the third down play won't make them any happier, as Al Harris wrestles the ball away for an incompletion. Watch how these same plays will be pass interference next week in Dallas... The punt is brought back to the Packer 34 with pain.

Grant for a good gain on first, a bad on second. Can Seattle finally get a 3 and out? Favre rolls out and hits Jennings for 23 yards, as he beats the overrated Marques Trufant for the big play. Pack ball at the 37, and Grant makes the Seahawks look very, very bad for a 25 yard gallop up the middle; that gives him over 120 for the day, and made Deion Grant regret his profession. Brandon Jackson takes a second down dump pass to the house by being considerably faster than the defense, and we're in Blowout City: Population, You. Packers 35, Seahawks 17.

Hasselbeck mouthing off big after a drop, and this game is going to be Drama-Free pretty soon. But a safe 3rd and 4 toss to Hackett keeps the game alive, and then Hasselbeck hits Obomanu under duress for a big gain. The Packers defense just might not be good enough to keep Seattle from getting points, especially if the Seahawks crying for calls starts to work... because the refs just called both Packers EBs for holding on the same play. Holding then comes back on Engram after a short gain, and it's 1st and 18. Seattle tries the curious tactic of seeing how far Alexander can run on a draw, and the answer is Not Far At All, Really. After a nice enough screen, it's 3rd and 10... and with the snow looking heavy, Hasselbeck has all day to find Engram for the first down. Engram takes a big hit from Al Harris, who then walks like he just did something good. Boy, the Packers secondary might be, um, overrated...

On first and 5 from the Pack 11, the defense sells out on a blitz and doesn't get there -- telling. 2nd and 1 sees the Seahawks finally use their best RB (Weaver), and he gets the first. Morris gets nailed in the backfield for a loss, and it's 2nd and 11 from the 12, where Pollard has a ball go right through his hands for a brutal miss. The snow's nasty, but that play had to be made. On 3rd and 11, Burleson is short... and it's figgie time. Brown makes it with his very special electric pants, and it's Packers 35, Seahawks 20.

After the kickoff, the Pack starts at the rumored 35 yard line. Siragusa has finally gone to a hat. More coverage next time, please. Three to Driver, then three more for Grant, and Fox has had to go to tighter cameras because the wide shots aren't telling you much. Awesome. On third and four, Grant gets the corner and goes for 41 yards, in just a brutally easy play. Jackson then reels off another 10, as the Seahawks defense just looks DOA. The end of the first fast quarter of the day happens as the Pack is on the doorstep. 35-20, and Garbage Time awaits.

Five NFL Saturday Commercial Notes

If cable operators are now dressing up in monster masks and menacing moronic teens and their ravenous dog, they are showing considerably more energy and initiative then they have in the past.

In re the Verizon ads saying the holidays aren't over yet, why doesn't anyone put up decorations for MLK Day? I call racism, America!

The KFC Hot Wings ad where the pontificating blond answers the question of "Will you go out with me?" with a "Yes." I think it would be the best ad ever if the question was "Will you go down on me?" No curse words, and damn, I bet it would sell some chicken...

In re the new "Terminator" series, I will come with Summer Glau, but not because I want to live. I will come with Summer Glau because I can't get me enough of some Summer Glau. (She was River in "Firefly", and I geek hard for "Firefly." You should, too.)

You know, I want NFL Network to go away because they ruin the week by shoehorning in useless Thursday night games. But being rid of their ads would also be a real plus. They put the bag in douchebag, really.

Packers-Seahawks Quasi Live Blog: Second Quarter

The first play of the quarter sees the scorned Atari Bigby create a fumble from Seahawks TE Marcus Pollard, and the Pack are in business at the Seahawks 19. Grant on a screen to the five. After a Seattle timeout, Favre throws an absolutely beautiful rainbow for Jennings second touchdown of the half, and it's 21-14, home team. Bigby's been a terrible player all year, but that was huge.

Alexander goes nowhere on first. On second, Bigby lays out Bobby Engram after a nine yard gain; he's doing everything he can to camouflage the fact that he's not all that good. On 3rd and 1, Hasselbeck fumbles the snap, but has enough presence to collect it and sneak it forward... but not enough for the first. Brutal. The punt is nearly blocked, but the Pack defender (Brandon Jackson) misses, and it's a 15 yard penalty and a fresh set of downs. That's as good as a turnover right there.

Screen to Alexander for three, on a play that Grant would have probably taken for 20. An out to Burleson is so slow from Hasselbeck that it helps, as the CB gambles and misses for a big gain. Bigby breaks up another ball to Pollard, as Hasselbeck has a very clean pocket. Engram slips a bad tackle on second -- the Pack all seem to be trying Bigby's tactic of running 25 yards full tilt at the receiver -- and it's first and 10 from 13. Alexander shows a hint of his former self to get 4, and Johnston gushes about him. I have no clue what player he's watching, because this Shawn Alexander sucks. On second down, a loss of 2 as the first man gets him down. Hackett drops a ball on 3rd and 7, and the Fox announcers all call him a gutless pussy for dropping the ball before Bigby can get contact. By the time this game is over, Bigby will be an all-star. Brown hits the figgie, and it's 21-17.

Tony Siragusa tells us that he's wearing six layers. Does that include the blubber and constant layer of bullshit, and why not put on a hat, you moron?

On first down, Grant gets 7, should have gotten another 15, and the trash talk is a lot. He gets it again on second, and jams it up the middle for the first. Seriously, if he doesn't fumble the ball, this game is a complete blowout right now. Jennings drops a first down pass, and I'm starting to wonder if the balls are staying dry in the snow, because there's just a lot of whoopsie going on right now. Grant for 3 gets it to the 44, and Favre threads it to Jennings for the first. The Seahawks pass rush has been a rumor today. Jackson takes over for Grant and runs for seven from a power formation, and then it's Driver making people miss on a short ball to take it to the 28. They do it again on the other side for a dangerous little four yard gain. On 2nd and 6, Favre avoids the first real pressure of the day to try Driver in the end zone. The WR lobbies baldly and badly for PI, and he might have had a case, but more for holding than PI. 3rd and 6 sees Jones on a crossing route for the first, and at the two minute warning, it's first and 10 from the Seahawks 16.

Grant for two on a smart call; take the clock out of it for Hasselbeck if you score. On 2nd and 8, incomplete to Jennings, and the Seahawks are starting to get some pressure. On 3rd and 8, Favre makes a play that you will see 1,000 times this week, as he spins out of a sack and laterals it forward to Lee, who gets the first. With thirty seconds left in the half, Grant gets in, and I'd be very surprised if this game isn't over right now. Hasselbeck takes the knee after the kickoff, and we're done with the Pack up 11, 28-17.

Packers-Seahawks Quasi Live Blog: First Quarter

And we're back! In drifing snows, Matt Hasselbeck fails to win the coin toss, depriving him of his little joke. The first bad sign of the day for the visitors!

Does anyone have more post-season interceptions than Brett Favre? 26 seems like a ton, really. After a sloppy kickoff return and a momentum-sapping injury to a Seattle special teamer -- what is it with Seattle playing molasses-slow first quarters? -- we get told about the Seattle defensive All-Pros taking everyone else from their unit. How much play is that going to get, really?

Ryan Grant puts the ball on the ground on a screen, giving Seattle the ball on the Packers 1 yard line. That sound you just heard was 10 million people betting the favorites saying "Oh crap." And since Shawn Alexander is not touched before the goal line, he gets in. 7-0 Seahawks after about 25 seconds.

The Pack give the ball to Grant on the first play after the mistake, and he burst left for 8. Smart play call to get his head right back in it. But on 2nd and 2, he goes off tackle for 5+... and puts the ball on the ground again. Seahawks ball at midfield, and this is about as bad an opening minute for the home team as you can imagine.

Can the Pack defense stand up and stop the bleeding? Not on first down, when Nate Burleson gets manhandled for an easy PI call. Hasselbeck gets it to Burleson for 7 on the next play, and Fox is now calling the Pack out for being overwhelmed by playoff atmosphere. Alexander is then tackled by the first person that touches him, but it's 4 yards downfield for a first. They are in Josh Brown territory already. Another quick one to Hackett, but Branch blows out his leg, so the play may not be at all positive. And we're into another delay / commercial melee.

Alexander makes a guy miss! Wow! Still, no gain. I don't mean to overstate things, but he's a terrible, terrible RB. On 3rd and 3, Hasselbeck has all day and an open receiver (Obomalu, in for Branch) for the first. No push from the Pack DL... and on the next day. it's a very nice ball from play action to Bobby Engram for the touchdown. Woodson hits Engram in the air, creating a forceout, so Packers coach Mike McCarthy can't challenge. Easy call on the forceout though, as Engram had a lot of room to come down with that. After 4 minutes, it's 14-0 Seahawks, and a nightmare for the home team -- because the next 56 minutes is shaping up to be Favre Tries To Do Too Much. If the Pack turns the ball over again on the next possession, I might be getting some housework done before the late game...

A nice and chippy kickoff return to the Packers 30. A Fox graphic that states that they only trailed by over 10 points for 0.5% of their game time this year -- hoo boy. Play fake to Grant freezes the LBs, and it's an easy 14 yards to Jennings. Grant makes a nice move to the corner for 3. Ugly improv by Favre for no gain; it probably counts as a sack. On the critical 3rd and 7, Favre has all day and James Jones gets free on a drag route; he runs for 31, and the Pack are in the red zone.

Faver gets a little dangerous on first down, but Donald Lee gathers it in for 9. The crowd is loud now, and it's 2nd and 5 from the 15 -- and Favre hits Jennings for the score on a nice piece, as the CB never saw the ball coming, and got beaten back inside. Favre was 5-for-5 on the drive, and we're halfway to the 42 point over after just half of the first quarter. 14-7, Seattle, and just what the home team needed.

Burleson, who did a nice job on returns last week against the Redskins with the exception of the Taylor's Ghost play, gets it to the 31... but this is now the Seahawks road team we've come to know and love. Two bad incompletions are followed by a bailout offsides, and on third and 5 after the offesne had a broken play, it's a scary sack as Hasselbeck almost turns it over. With the snow coming down and the noise getting really loud, the punt goes out at the Packers 36, and the momentum is all with the home team now.

I don't know anyone, really, who doesn't like football games being played in snow. It's just more fun to watch.

Driver for 3 on a quick screen. On 2nd and 7, Favre hits his man under pressure, but the ball bounces off Jones and is nearly picked. Huge non-play, really. On 3rd and 7, Favre takes a timeout, and this first quarter can't get any slower, really. Ten minutes of game over forty minutes of life. An odd cross-field screen to Franks is spotted just shy of the first, and McCarthy has a tough decision -- lose the momentum with a punt, or go on fourth and inches from their own 45? I'd go for it and sneak... but McCarthy is challenge-happy, and uses one on Favre's behest.

What's worse -- going to commercial for the ninth time this quarter, or giving more dead air time to Siragusa and Johnston? They choose the latter. Isn't there a Verizon ad that I haven't seen yet?

The ball is respotted for just a few inches, but it's enough. From the Pack 46, Grant has another nice hole to the left for 7, and if he can keep the ball in his hands, he's going to get a lot of yards today. Quick toss to Jennings for the first. Grant bursts the hole and makes a man miss for 26, the last 5 of which is spent holding the ball as Babineaux tries to punch it out again. He then goes around the right side for 15 more, setting up first and goal from the 1. Seattle can't stop the run, and Grant took Trufant to school. His third straight carry is the first positive run play that wasn't a fumble for Seattle, as Hill stops him cold. From a power set, Grant then goes in with some measure of ease, and after 14 minutes, we have a tie game and 28 points. That lead didn't last long.

Burleson gets little on the return, and neither does Morris on first. On second, he gets a hole and goes for eight... but that hole was from a hold, and it's 2nd and 19. Ouch. The quarter ends with a tie game that feels like it's going to be a blowout, and if every quarter is as long as this one, this game will take four hours, and have 16 touchdowns. So, um, probably not.

Stop Digging Up Dead Patriots

The Patriots are doomed.

Why do I think that, other than my usual Masstermind combination of preening self-confidence mixed with Woe Is Us defeatism that has been hardened in the last several years of championship-free football?

Because of a recent story in the NYTimes (registration required, but it's free) in which the Patriots are reminded of how this season is dedicated to the memory of Marquise Hill. Hill was a defensive lineman and second round draft pick in 2004 who died in the off-season when he drowned after a water scooter accident. (He's the 91 on the back of their helmets.)

I had forgotten all about Hill by now, as I'm sure most of you have as well -- and I want to credit All-Father Coach Belichick for not letting this distract the team up to now.

But with those bastards in the Patriots Hating Media digging up the tragic loss of a guy that had a boating accident while not wearing a life preserver, I'm suddenly terrified that we (because WE are all in this together, and MY contribution to the Patriots undefeated season can not be undervalued) will lose because of Hill. And more importantly, our remembrance of his passing.

Let's look at the track record of Inspirational Dead Or Hurt Guy:

1) The Washington Redskins were touched by tragedy in the passing of Sean Taylor. Then, they were touched by the Seahawks defensive lineman in a 21-point road loss in the first round of the playoffs.

(Side note -- by defeating the Redskins, the Seahawks acquired the rights to Taylor's ghost, which is why they will lose this weekend in Green Bay, and why the Packers will lose later on in the playoffs. Say what you will about Taylor, but I have to admit to being disappointed in his performance as a specter. He just hasn't realized his potential.)

2) The Buffalo Bills stared mortality in the face when backup tight end and FTT Obsession Kevin Everett was paralyzed on a special teams play. Everett came back to make two highly inspirational appearances to his teammates, both of which preceded devastating Bills' losses. Without Everett's poisonous inspiration, Buffalo could have won those games and made the playoffs.

3) The Patriots???

(I won't even get into how the Eagles lost after Jerome Brown died. It's still too painful. I'll be back in a minute, so please, discuss among yourselves.)

Phew, that was hard.

Anyway, the point is that Inspirational Dead Guy or Hurt Guy is 100% Loser Fuel. It's cheap emotion that will get you all pumped up in the pre-game huddle, but once the hitting starts, your mind can't help but think, "Damm, as much as I'm inspired by Dead Or Hurt Guy's Memory, you know what would be more inspirational right now? Dead Or Hurt Guy Playing Well."

Or the stray but poisonous thought that Dead or Hurt Guy (or his family) will be getting the same pay as you would from a Super Bowl share. Dead or Hurt Guy also gets to stay back in the hospital and get lots of hot Pity Sex from the awestruck nurses, or the attention of dozens of comely virgins in Football Valhalla. Meanwhile you're stuck in the cold trying to break a wedge. Suddenly, everyone wants to be Inspirational, rather than Actual.

No, the best way to honor the memory of Hurt Dead Guy, beyond a sticker or armband on an increasingly crowded helmet (side note: without the brave work of Rudy Guiliani, I'm fairly sure I'd have forgotten 9/11 by now), is to make them Forgotten Guy.

That's what Coach Belichick did, aided by the fact that Hill had the common courtesy to die in the off-season. Like a *good* teammate, and True Patriot.

But now that those media bastards have made the Patriots game against the Jaguars a Tribute to Hill, we're dead. And let's face it -- football players die all the time. But the besmirching of the Patriots Perfection? That would be a real tragedy.

Thank you, and good night.

Epic Drop: Top 10 Reasons Why Brett Favre Is Coming Back

Your list is here, and while the list seems like I'm bashing the guy, that's really not the case. The problem is that the usual coverage of Favre is so reverential that any kind of shot at the guy makes you look like you are in the hater camp. I like Favre; he's fun to watch. But when he throws picks that make the team lose, he should be treated just the same as any other QB would be. And if he hadn't won a Super Bowl a long, long time ago, he probably would be.

NFL Picks, Playoff Week 2: Suck My Chalk

This is the week of the year when the favorites, historically, have an incredible advantage. On average, three out of four of them will win and advance. So whenever any of the wild-card teams break through, it's memorable, and the memorable bets are the ones that keep you coming back. It's also the far more sexy and contrary pick. When you go for the road dog in this round, you get to talk about momentum, about how some teams have such weak coaching that the extra week of preparation won't help them, and how your pick has the testicular fortitude to overcome everything. You get to play into the underdog role and amp it up.

But picking games isn't "300"; you don't get style points for losing. The road team in these games usually faces an over-the-top crowd and defensive intensity in the first quarter, and heavy legs in the fourth. It's usually too much to bear, and after last weekend where I watched the Jags fritter away an easy cover and the Bucs do everything possible for Eli Manning to be relaxed and comfortable... well, I'm not looking for more than I can bear, no way.

This weekend also separates the fans that should really be satisfied with their team's year from those that can be justified in thinking the year was lacking. If you make it to next week, you are better than 7 out of every 8 teams in the NFL, and if you could say that about every other aspect of your life and live in America, you'd be making over $150K a year, with kids that get to go to very good schools, and a host of other things to be incredibly thankful for. (On a global scale, living in the US probably qualifies as being in that 1 in 8 mindset, but that's too much Pollyanna for this hour and blog.)

In short, enough of the I Can Only Be Happy If My Team Wins Everything mindset. It only leads to bankruptcy, on every level.

And with that financial condition looming, on to the picks!

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Chargers at COLTS - Colts are an 8.5 point favorite with a 45 point over/under

On top of the usual rested home team versus tested road team, and the former was probably better anyway because they are the higher seed, is the following five factors:

1) Strength of schedule. The Colts got the #2 seed despite six games against the Jags, Titans and Texans -- three teams that were over .500, two of which made the playoffs. The Chargers had six games against the Raiders, Broncos and Chiefs. Enough said.

2) Strength of coach. Tony Dungy may not have the greatest playoff record in the world, but in general, he's gotten his team as far as they were supposed to go, and usually lost to a better coach. Norv Turner is, well, Norv Turner. At least no one can say he's choking this week, since he's the underdog.

3) Strength of QB. The Colts start a clear Hall of Famer who is playing with house money at this point, in that no one is giving him grief over Not Winning The Big One. He's also got one of the fastest releases in the game, negating most strong pass rushes, and has a coach-like ability to adjust to the defense pre-snap. The Chargers start the closest thing left in this year's playoffs to Rex Grossman.

4) Health. The Colts are likely to get back Marvin Harrison this week, and even if they don't, they've lived without him long enough to manage. The Chargers are likely to be without Antonio Gates, which means they will need a second straight week of step-up performances from Chris Chambers and Vincente Jackson... and it will also mean Bob Sanders gets to spend all his time staring down LaDanian Tomlinson. Against a Colts secondary that isn't injured or lacking, they won't get it.

5) Defenses. The Chargers have a flashy, big hitting defense that lives on turnovers and emotion -- and if they can get lucky enough with gambles and athleticism, they might just make enough plays to give their team the ball with a short field. The Colts just make all of the plays that win games consistently, from not giving up big third down conversions to stopping the run without trickery or unnecessary risk.

If you're looking for a reason to take the Chargers, you're looking at turnovers and special teams -- which is to say, freak and fluke plays. In general, I'm not a huge fan of teams that rely on winning the turnover battle to win games; in the games where the turnovers balance out to more or less even, and those are the majority of games in the NFL, it's won at the line. The Chargers didn't win the line against the Titans, at home, for a very long time, last week. Expecting them to do better in Indy isn't looking likely to me.

Indianapolis 31, Chargers 20 -- which means Colts and OVER.

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Jaguars at PATRIOTS - Pats are a 13-point favorite with a 49.5 point over

Unlike many prognosticators, I don't think the Jags need to play a perfect game to defeat the Juggernaut. The Colts, Eagles, Ravens and Giants didn't come close to playing perfect games in the Patriot close calls, and all were a handful of plays away from blemishing the perfection. (No team, really, plays a perfect game; there are always negative plays and individual battles lost, but if all of the game-changing plays go one way and the other team quits, it looks like perfection. Anyway.)

The real problem for the Jags is that, contrary to popular belief, they really aren't the kind of team that can beat New England. To wit:

1) Teams that give New England trouble on defense have exceptionally physical corners that take Moss out of the game without double-teaming him. Double-teaming Moss doesn't really work that well, since he sees it so often. But if you can clean his clock early, he loses his taste for things late. Witness the Eagles and Ravens games. The Jags don't really have that kind of secondary; their big hitters are closer to the line.

2) You have to exploit Seau and Harrison's age and slowness to keep drives alive against this team. (And to a lesser extent, Vrabel and Bruschi. Make no mistake about it, the Pats will draft LBs next year, and the Adalius Thomas signing was as big for the defense as Moss was for the offense.) The Jags don't get much from their TEs, and with the outstanding exception of MoJo, don't really have a great RB threat in the flat.

3) A month ago, the Pats didn't look like they could run the ball worth a damn, which dooms teams in the playoffs... but they've ran the ball just fine down the stretch, and you have to think that they are going to have plenty of opportunities to run, with the Jaguars having three plus receivers to worry about.

Having said all that, the Jags are physical and any team with a home-run hitter like MoJo has a puncher's chance... and there may be no weaker home field at this round in the playoffs than the very spoiled New England crowd. But it's hard to see how that translates to a win, and David Garrard playing from behind has the potential to get ugly.

New England 34, Jaguars 17 - which is Pats and OVER.

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Seahawks at PACKERS - The Pack is an 8 point favorite with a 42-point over/under

The Packers have a lot of players without playoff experience, but the Seahawks can't pull this off without Matt Hasselbeck having a great game... and the Packer corners, at least the top two, are very good. Hasselbeck might make some hay with the slot and TEs, but it's hard to get to 300 yards and 3 touchdowns that way, and I think he needs to do that for Seattle to win. (And no, he's not going to get much from his RBs. The Seahawks would be better off if Shawn Alexander retired. Today.)

For the Packers, Ryan Grant is actually the most important player for the team, since he'll keep Favre from forcing things. Also, the Seahawks secondary is susceptible, and they won't get to Favre anywhere near as much as they did Todd Collins; even if they do, Favre gets the ball out fast, and the Packers won't have as many horrible drops as the Redskins did.

It's also noteworthy that while everyone seems to have gotten off the idea that the Seahawks hadn't beaten a .500 team since Week 1, just because they survived the Skins. One week does not make a trend, and this team has been so gutless, so long, on the road... and it's just not inside my brain to imagine that Favre will lose this one, really.

Packers 27, Seahawks 13 - which is Packers and UNDER.

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Giants at COWBOYS - Cowboys are a 7.5 point favorite with a 46 point over/under

How on earth do you make sense of this Giants team? On the one hand, they've been really good for the past few weeks. On the other, they played against a Pats team that didn't blitz until they wanted to win, and a Bucs team that seemed to think that blitzing was worse then losing. For the positive, they are now 8-1 on the road this year. On the negative, the teams they beat on the road were mostly terrible. For the positive, their running backs look good now, especially Bradshaw. On the negative, their defense has given up 8 million points in two games against the Cowboys, and their safeties are very exploitable -- and you don't want bad safeties against Witten and potentially Owens.

If the Giants are hard to figure, the Cowboys are a broken Rubik's Cube. Romo's got a bad thumb and a ready-made horrible storyline from the Mexico trip. Owens is a three-ring circus of injury drama. They haven't ran the ball worth a damn in a month. They've got a pretty terrible game-day coach. Their starting safety is a 15-yard penalty waiting to happen.

And yet... Romo just makes plays. Whenever he fumbles, the ball bounces up to him a friendly dog. He's got a good home field. The Cowboys can pressure the QB a little, and will, especially with a week off. They've just owned the Giants this year, and I don't buy the idea that beating a team that you've stomped is hard three times, when you've done it twice.

Cowboys 31, Giants 21 - which is Cowboys and OVER.

Bet early and often!

Epic Drop: Top 12 Signs You Are Becoming An Old And Cranky Sports Blogger

Your list is here, and I am clearly going to rock that old Philly Stars hoodie... and don't miss the click for your chance to see the snatch of someone who would have just celebrated her 100th birthday, had she been alive. (Luckily, the photo isn't recent, and if there's a more vile sounding but still thoroughly PG euphemism for the vagina than snatch, I don't want to hear it.)

Epic Drop: Top 11 Marketing Slogans for the 2008 Oakland A's

Your link is here, and while I still trust Billy Beane as an A's fan... I'm tired of the shuttle system. Big time. You start with Mark Mulder, Tim Hudson and Barry Zito, and instead of being able to continue to coach and manage them, you have to roll the dice every few years. And while you occasionally get lucky and smart and replace a Mulder with a Haren, the Dan Meyer for Tim Hudson didn't quite work out... and what's the point if you then have to move Haren after two years?

Well, even Beane's not that smart. It's a game for suckers, like getting into a high stakes poker game with your last $100. You might survive for a while, especially if the guys with money play like idiots, but eventually, those people smarten up and clean you out. And that's what being a fan of a non-MLB+ team is like right now. Sucker bet, sucker game, sucker year. And it, well, sucks.

The Pros and Cons of Each Team Winning The Super Bowl

New York

Pros: The victory parade would have the entertaining sidelight of watching Tiki Barber and Jeremy Shockey tarred, feathered, and dropped off at Penn Station with an off-peak Amtrak ticket to anywhere. If they win, the Coughlin and Eli Show would have to keep running for at least five more years, most of which probably won't go this well, and I really do enjoy watching Coughlin scream and whine, and Eli look sad.

Cons: More Manning Brother commercials, a Bettis-style wanking sendoff for gap-toothed asterisked sack record holder Michael Strahan, an unconscionable amount of "No one believed in us" posturing... yikes. Lets just move on.

Seattle

Pros: Their fans would finally let go of the conspiracy theories surrounding the Steelers win. There's a very real possibility of Mike Holmgren retiring to have more time with his family on the ice flow. Shawn Alexander gets to go out to stud, rather than a glue factory. Matt Hasselbeck deserves a little love for owning the "We want the ball and we're going to score" comment. Since the US enjoys ignoring Seattle, there will be no post-game coverage or dynasty hype. You think that Ravens Super Bowl win got forgotten fast? You ain't seen nothing at all!

Cons: For a host of sins against humanity and good taste, good things should not happen to Paul Allen for the rest of this lifetime, or the next dozen. Hasselbeck's wife makes Eva Longoria look demure and non-annoying. If they win, they'll have done so by suddenly discovering a spine on the road, after four months of suckering people into terrible bets. Bastards!

Green Bay

Pros: If this doesn't get Brett to retire, nothing will, and we can stop asking him when he's pulling the chute. Packer Fan's diet means that they don't have long before the next heart attack, so maybe this is their last chance. The team is mostly too young to have developed egos, personas, endorsements and irritation, and could help to end the annoying cliche of Teams Need To Have Playoff Experience Or They Will Eat Paste, Soil Themselves, And Lose.

Cons: The slobbering sound you constantly hear around Favre's jewels from media types will become absolutely deafening. Seriously, you may see sideline reporters just drop to their knees in the waning moments of the game. Like many obese drunks, Packer Fan is a lot more fun to be around when he loses. When he wins, he's sloppy and all over the place, and the women are showing you things you can't un-see.

Dallas

Pros: Julius Jones will sucker some team into a terrible free agent contract, under the little-known Dominic Rhodes Rule. The organization will be razed for personnel and coaching talent. Maybe TO's heart and brain grow three sizes, and he becomes an actual human being that day.

Cons: Where to begin? Even more commercials with Jones and Romo. A media whitewashing of the Owens Legacy that would make Mumia Abu-Jamal proud. Posthumous slobbering on Bill Parcells' knob. A great deal of out-and-out lying about Wade Philips' competence. The sudden and terrible resurrection of Cowboy Bandwagon Fan, the kudzu of NFL fans. And there will be more where that came from, but honestly, it will be Planet Owens for months.

Jacksonville

Pros: Since the Jaguars have no actual fans, as opposed to just disgruntled fantasy league gamblers and pre-literate rednecks on loan from college football, having them win is relatively painless. Fred Taylor gets known for more than his groin, or hating on Heinz Field.

Cons: It sets a bad precedent for the league when coaches with special needs win the championship. Also, would make far too many traditional Run the Ball honks far too happy, and make teams think that the road to success lies with cover-your-eyes game manager QB types.

San Diego

Pros: Gives back something to a team and community Touched By Tragedy, and shows that sports can transcend even the most awful wastes of life and property. (We are speaking, of course, about the hiring of Norv Turner.)

Cons: See Jacksonville comment. Also, a Super Bowl ring could make QB Phillip achieve new and spectacular heights of doucehbaggery. Think Rex Grossman... if he went to Duke.

Indianapolis

Pros: Like Jacksonville, you are unlikely to actually meet a Colts fan, so the psychic damage is minimal. May cause Patriots Fan's head to explode.

Cons: Back to back Colts championships may cause entire networks to switch to All-Manning Programming. Plus, this would further empower the all-encompassing ego, posturing and preening of prima donna WR Marvin Harrison.

New England

Pros: Would make Gregg Easterbrook shrivel and melt like the Wicked Witch of the West, only with slightly less testosterone. Combined with a Red Sox and Celtics championship, could speed up secession efforts by the rest of the United States. After its over, we can all enjoy the perp walk spectacle of the '73 Dolphins being rounded up into camps.

Cons: If you thought the '72 Dolphins were obnoxious, you haven't seen anything yet. You will be living with this team -- and more importantly, this fan -- for the rest of your life. Think about that; are you really ready to spend every football conversation until they put you in the ground waiting for Patriot Fan to talk about the Oh Seven Perfect Team? As the movie says, There Will Be Blood. Most likely, yours. (There are, of course, dozens of other Con reasons here, but brevity and a survival instinct intrudes.)

Epic Drop: Top 10 Consolations For People Who Are Sad That The NFL Season Is Almost Over

Your list is here, and I swear that I've heard and read this line of Big Girl Tears for two weeks now. I get that there isn't enough pro football in the world, and that the league could double the schedule and not come close to sating the thirst that Americans have for blocking and tackling. But for heaven's sake, you big girls, suck it up. It's not like they've been shortening the season on you here. Crying over the end of the season is like crying about how you have to do your income taxes or go to the dentist. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sucks to be, well, everyone. Boo freaking hoo.

In the words of my dear old grandpappy, grow a pair!

Epic Drop: Top 10 Questions That Could Get An NFL Playoff Team's Fan To Throw Down

Your list of fighting words is here, and it's got almost 20% new content from the Quasi Live Blogs. If that's not worth a click, I don't know what is, people!

Seriously, though, can we put to bed the idea that Dead Teammate, Paralyzed Teammate, Jebus or Defending Your Maligned Turf can actually matter at all to the outcome of a game? We hold these truths to be self-evident: football games are won by the teams with better coaching and more talent, with perhaps some luck involved as well. Every other factor need not apply.

Chargers-Titans Quasi Live Blog, Fourth Quarter

The Titans stall after a near pick, and are then betrayed by Bironas from 38 yards, as I'm posting the third quarter notes. Why, NFL Players, do you cram in so much action when I'm posting at the quarter breaks?

LDT for nothing. Heaven forbid the Chargers need to burn clock in this game. Rivers is 9 for 10 for 137 in the second half, and LDT finally breaks one, getting 12 yards from an actual hole. They go back to him on the next play, and he gets 5 and makes a guy miss. He's looking LDTish again. On 2nd and 5, Rivers misses Chambers who was covered anyway, and also looked like he gave up on the ball. Careful, Chris, you'll make the big girl mad! The 3rd and 5 is a nice move by backup TE Brandon Manamaleuma (yes, that's probably the wrong spelling, like you could have done any better) for the first, and the Chargers are in Titan territory. On a subsequent 3rd and 10, Chambers is open for so long that the entire crowd and Nantz announces it before he throws. 39 yards and goal to go awaits. LDT saves the Chargers from a delay penalty, and it's commercial time.

The Titans should lose this game, and it should have been by a lot. The amount of space that the Chargers WRs have been open by has been, frankly, staggering. And once again, for the record, there is no way they are winning next week, especially if Gates isn't back by then. LDT shows why he's great on a 2 yard loss by making three guys miss. 2nd and goal from the 10 is thrown away, and Norv can't hear anything. LDT pinballs to the 1, and Norv dithers long enough that he has to challenge to avoid the delay of game penalty. That's good coaching!

The challenge is turned away, and Norv is going for it. Chargers no longer have a timeout or challenge, and it's 4th and goal from the 1, with Norv's Coaching Life on the Line. What will he call? LDT believes he can fly, and has the presence of mind to just reach out and score after he was met in the air. Wow. The Titans challenge the play, but fail under the well known rule of Great Players Make Great Plays, and with 8:45 left, it's 17-6 Chargers... and we have achieved a cover! Woo hoo! Norv, we always knew you had it in you!

Titans start at the 20, and the Chargers smell blood. A sack leads to 3rd and 14, and another sack. Now, these are the front-runners I was expecting to see!

Chargers start at their own 43. We're only 17 points from the over, you bastards! 7:43 left, and it's LDT for nothing, then a burst of 12 while staying in bounds. LDT cares nothing for my over bet. Bastard! Turner hits the hole for another first down, and the Titans look like they're packing for the bus. Under five minutes and counting, and Turner gets the corner and the first... but there's a flag on the play, and it's coming back. Jackson with a hold.

It's that special time in the game in which Nantz has to tell us how the Chargers helped after the fire. Maybe they are this year's Saints, but with rich white people instead of poor black people. That's a story everyone can get behind!

On 3rd and 16 with 4:13 left, Turner gets stopped in bounds, and we've got 4:03 left. Scifres does a great job of putting it out at the 5, and if Bironas had only hit the figgie, this would be a one possession game. Moulds makes a misstep that wipes out a first down catch, and then the Titans false start. Young now needs to go 98 yards. Reggie Bush or Mario Williams could do it! And so could guys with better Wunderlic numbers!

Young to Hartsock gets them some breathing room, and then gets picked by Drayton Florence to ice the point spread. Woo hoo! We're eating store brand cereal tonight!

The rest of the game finishes up and I want the last six hours of my life back.

I'm 3-5 for the week, 2-2 against the spread, and if you've actually read all of this, you have my sincere thanks and condolences. Congrats to the Chargers, Giants, Jaguars and Seahawks. I can't wait to bet against you all next week!

Chargers-Titans Quasi Live Blog, Third Quarter

Research tells me that the mystery Titans WR is Biren Ealy, and he's from Houston, which means either him or Kevin Kolb rode the other to the NFL. I'm hoping on the latter.

Sproles gets the kickoff back, but it's brought back a bit. LDT for 4 and could have been more, then nothing. 3rd and 6 and a big play for field position and everything else... and Rivers steps up and accurately shot puts it to Chambers for the first. LDT for 1.

You know, if I were Norv, and I still had consciousness from the lack of oxygen due to the presence of my own arms around my throat for the last two hours, I'd try to get him in space on the flat. On 2nd and 9. Rivers is hit as he throws, and the ball goes nearly as well as when he's untouched. 3rd and 9 and another big play here... and the CB buys a pump fake and Rivers hits Padilla-Jackson for 34 yards. Also, the Titans have lost two players in this drive. It's Game Changing Time, Baby!

LDT on a toss sweep for nothing; he now has 11 for 11 on the day. A 19-yard ball to Chambers puts them in business at the 11, and is followed up with a toss and catch to the 4. Who knew Chris Chambers saved his A game for the playoffs? Second down, LDT for nothing. Very, very big play here... and with LDT wide open in the flat, Rivers goes to Jackson, who gets to the 2. Norv sends in the field goal kicker, and needs to be killed.

Seriously, from the 2, he gets a yard, it's a first down. He get two, he gets a touchdown. His defense isn't so good that field goals are going to decide this. His team now thinks he doubts them, big time. He might still win this game, of course, but that move would get me my second Descended Testicle pic of the day, if we only all had the stomach for it.

Titans start at the 24. 4 to Davis, 4 to White, and it's 3rd and 2. Can the San Diego crowd give them an edge here? Nope. Short pass to the TE, Hartsock, for a first. Norv is now thinking that the smoke from the wild fires may have caused him a permanent problem. Henry gets stuffed, and on 3rd and 6, Young tries the curious tactic of throwing the ball away in the field of play. It's punt time.

Chargers start with an easy 20 yarder to Jackson, who was so open, he was signaling for a fair catch. It's followed by LDT in space! Wow, what a concept! He catches a ball in the flat for 5. They then give him a carry which gets a long yard, and is another moment in this game where he *almost* broke it. Finally, he makes a play in this game, with a catch in the flat where he makes a man miss and gets the first. It's like Norv's a Real Live Coach!

Turner in for a three yard burst. Haynesworth, unabated, takes a free hit on Rivers, who gets the 5 and 15 as Rivers reacts with only slightly less histrionics than women at a bridal shower. Big play, and Rivers might be calmed down with a little chai tea. He can get it from Norv... and maybe a little aromatherapy, which will work in nicely with his post-TD celebration, as Jackson settles under a crossing route and dances in. It's 10-6 Chargers, and we're about to see Vince Young work from behind.

After the kickoff, Young finds Troupe on a nice deep ball, and the Titans are already in Chargers territory. Henry takes an end around and gets nailed, but not tackled, by Quentin Jammer. On a 3rd and 1 and the last play of the quarter, Hall fights through three terrible tackles and gets an 11 yard gain. They'll start the fourth in the red zone, as Jim Nantz says, and that play, in microcosm, is why the Chargers are no threat to survive past next week. 10-6 Chargers at the end of the third.

Chargers-Titans Quasi Live Blog, Second Quarter

On the flip, the Titans continue to run it down the gut, with a big 13-yard gain on a 3rd and 1. LemDale White Is Exerting His Will... but he's on the sidelines when Shawn Philips recovers a terrible fumble by Chris Brown, and it's Chargers ball inside their 10. That's what the Shooter Grandpappy used to call a game-changer right there. (He also said the same thing about Grandmom's burlap nightie, and so would you.)

LDT for El Dee Squat. Chambers for seven, and could we have a Charger first down today? On 3rd and 6, Rivers finds Gates and the Chargers are on the move. Eerie parallels to the early game, where the Giants didn't have a first down in the first quarter... LDT for 2 (he's now got 4 carries for 5 yards), and Rivers finds Chambers for a big 31 yard completion down the gut. I don't like either the QB or the WR there, but that was a nice play.

LDT for another loss; he now has 5 carries for 2 yards. Rivers scrambles and throws it away on 2nd, and we've got 3rd and 12. Will he throw a safe short pass and turn the ball over on a punt? Nope -- actually tries a deep ball to Vincente Padilla Jackson, and the ball in underthrown and out of bounds. At least field position was changed, and after the punt, the Titans will start at their 11. Did I mention that that the over bet is for crap yet?

White loses four on the worst screen execution ever; he was open, but falls down and soils himself. 3rd and 12, and if I were the Chargers, I'd watch the scramble... Young hits Chris Davis on a perfectly timed 9 yard out. A shame, since they needed 12. Pointless, and then it turns out to be dropped. They aren't sending the tape of this one to Canton. And Norv needs more lozenges, though the Sproles punt return started to clear things a bit. The Chargers will start in Titan territory.

Rivers on first down shows what he thinks of that with a bad pick on an underthrown deep ball to Chambers. Titans ball at their own 20. I'm starting to think that the 30 NFL teams that weren't involved in the Rivers-Manning trade were the real winners. QB Philip then spazzes out on the sidelines. Hoo boy.

3rd and 8 for the Titans is a long ball to a crowd of four players - 2 Titans, 2 Chargers. That's good football right there! After the three and out and punt and eye gouge, the punt goes out at the Chargers 44, and QB Philip is back in business and feeling much better after a Midol. Norv's switching to a menthol rub, though.

On 3rd and 10 after a false start and a near sack/disaster/afterbirth from QB Philip, Jackson gets wide open and the Chargers get to field goal position. But LDT is still getting stuffed (7 for 6 yards now), and Gates goes off on the cart after a one yard loss on a terrible pass behind him.

That sound you just heard was Norv peeing himself while coughing, and the Colts redoubling their prayers for a Bolts win. The Pats are also starting to entertain the notion of a 20-point line for their home game against the Titans.

QB Phil throws a rainbow to the corner into double coverage, and it's knocked down. Nate Kaeding, who Jim Nantz informs us isn't 100% and is still Nate Kaeding with his unfortunate history of being Nate Kaeding, misses badly from 45, and it's still 3-0 Titans, with less than three minutes left in the half.

Gates is said to have a toe problem and a questionable return. Speaking of questionable, the Titans run it twice before the two minute warning, because they're dying to make sure they lead this game by no more than three points at the half. On 3rd and 10, Young finds someone named Byron Eelie (I have no idea if that spelling is right) for a first down. Chris Brown runs for 10 yards from dreadful tackling masquerading as hard hitting, but a flag brings it back. Some more dull plays later, it's 3rd and 7 with 46 seconds left, and Young finds Eelie again for the first. With the ball at the 40, they're almost in range for Bironas, and that's all the Titans want, since touchdowns are evil.

Moulds for 5, and there's 32 seconds left in this cure for life. 5 yards to Troupe for a first down, and tick. Cooper, the Charger DL, dives for the spike (hmm, interesting) and misses. 15 seconds left from the Charger 30. an you feel the tension. I can, but it's been a while since I moved my bowels. White for 3, and Bironas is on to try from 45, which he makes straight down the gut. It's 6-0 Titans, and the Charger players might want to attempt a tracheotomy on Norv during the halftime. I saw a MASH episode once, and all you need is a swiss army knife and a pen tube. It's easy!

Five NFL Sunday Commercial Notes

1) Why are Burger King customers so angry? If I were told I couldn't have a Whopper, I'm pretty sure I'd order something else and get on with my life. But these people on these ads are ready to throw down. And this makes me want to go get one, um, why? (If a black person had a Whopper Freakout in the right/wrong zip code, I'm pretty sure that tasing would have been involved.)

2) Do you know anyone that is even mildly enthused about a new Rambo movie? You do? Please stop reading this blog. You're dragging down our advertising demographics. (I keed, I keed. Please, come, share, enjoy, click ads!)

3) Why do I want to own a car (the Jeep Liberty) that attracts singing wildlife? I imagine they'd crap on the upholstery something fierce.

4) Given that Lipitor is talked about by a creepy old guy in a jogging suit, why are we worried about what will happen to pregnant women with it? That guy's not getting anywhere near a pregnant woman, or any woman. (Well, OK, the slow girl at the fast food place. Maybe.)

5) What if I want to attempt the professional stunt woman from the Farmers Help Point ad? She looks like she's good to go to me...

Bonus Question: Who's a bigger douche, the actors in the NFL Network ad, or the NFL Network itself? It's kind of chicken and egg in its complexity, really...

Extra Super Bonus Question: Why do I want to choose the beer that I drink based on the opinion of a dog on a truck?

Chargers-Titans Quasi Live Blog, First Quarter

I'm warning you right now, I'm rooting hard for No Drama and a Charger Blowout, so that I can get a lot of laundry done and bail on this early. (On the other hand, the Shooter Brother is a Chargers Fan, and if they blow this game, I'm pretty sure his head will explode, and that's always good fun.) Let's tee it up!

First play for the Titans is a bizarre WR screen that doesn't work. Nothing quite like saying that We Can't Beat You straight up by trying to trick them right away. Second down, Gage drops another one, we're another misfire away from the fastest possession ever... but the safety screen works for 16, and the Titans are at mid-field.

Vince Young is reading the wristband. Nothing quite says lack of confidence like reading the wristband to me, but it's working so far, at least when he's handing the ball off. On the second third down of the drive, Young calls time, but not before a bad penalty... and Young gets the third down easily by jogging away on a bootleg. Charger defense is not showing smarts to far. It's followed up by a very easy rollout and gain to Gage that puts them in field goal position.

Another first down and the drive is 4+ minutes long, with lots of imagination. On 2nd and 10, Young throws for 3 against a 3-man rush; it looks like the Chargers are trying to make Young be patient. 3rd and 7 is a big play early... and they don't get it on a rollout. It's Rob Bironas time, and the All-Pro and MVP of my fantasy team hits from 30. Titans were 5-0 when scoring on their first possession this year, and Norv Turner just found it hard to swallow his water.

LDT for 2, then a sack and recovered fumble as LDT saves Rivers from disaster. Norv is looking for cough drops. 3rd and 17, and the Chargers settle for underneath and out. Norv, menthol or regular on those cough drops? After the punt, the Titans have the ball at their own 34.

A sack forces a third and nine, and Young's slow to get up under heavy pressure. Be careful what you wish for, Chargers Fans... the better QB, by the numbers, might be coming in. Young gets up and the grounding call isn't made. After the punt, the Chargers get it at their 23.

The Chargers drive starts with a chop block flag, making it first and 21. Yeesh. LDT for 3, then QB Philip misses Chambers badly. On 3rd and 18, Rivers gives us a magical 3 yard ball in the flat, and the backup TE fails to make six guys miss. Three and out and that sound you heard was chuckling from Indianapolis, who really are hoping the home team can survive...

White starts the Titans drive with a good looking eight yard run to their 37. 2nd and 2 doesn't get them the first on another White carry. Tennessee runs the ball more than anyone else in the NFL, and with these WRs, I can't blame them. White makes the first down on his own by running through a tackle. Young slings in an easy throw to Ben Troupe for a first at the Charger 45. Norv is asking an assistant coach for some chicken soup, maybe with a little matzoh. On 2nd and 8, another strong run by White to get nearly 8. Norv is asking if anyone else feels warm. Hall, a reserve scatback, gets the first down, and that's the quarter.

Over bet and the Chargers. Just kill me.

Bucs-Giants Quasi Live Blog, Fourth Quarter

Blue is threatening to make this game drama-free, and they look a lot better moving the ball with Bradshaw than Jacobs. In the three minutes it took me to post the third quarter, they've moved with ease to field goal range, and a touchdown would, you'd think, put this one out of reach. Fredo is 18 of 25 for 167 and a touchdown, and getting serviced from Joe Buck for a back shoulder throw to Burress for a first down. This one's just about over as we're 21 yards from paydirt, and Bradshaw is looking like the Blue Barry Sanders right now.

The drive is at 13 plays and 84 yards, with Kevin "Buddy Ryan Slapped Me" Gilbride getting kudos. On third and goal from inside the five, with a touchdown putting it completely out of reach, Fredo retires the nickname with a touchdown to Toomer, and it was another easy throw.

It's over, and for any Blue fans who are reading this, I'm officially retiring Fredo now. 21 unanswered points, a playoff win on the road, he didn't even look like he wanted to play squash today, and he's 8-1 on the road now. He's your quarterback for the next ten years now at least, and you're just going to love that you were patient. With Coughlin, too. And by the way, make sure that you refute any fondness you ever had for Tiki Barber, too. It was all his fault that Blue didn't win before this!

Can Garcia pull off his second utterly devastating playoff comeback at home against the Giants in his career? Unfortunately, he doesn't exactly have Terrell Owens in this game, and Galloway is now shut down for the day. A second down toss to Clayton is followed by a first down run by Graham, but every play is short, the clock is running, they need three scores... and it's hard to imagine that Garcia's keeping this job next year, given how many other options Gruden has.

The Bucs matriculate the ball to the red zone with a couple of big plays to Pittman and Clayton, and with 4:30 left, Garcia gets it to Hilliard, it's cannon time. Whoop De Damn Doo! On 2nd and 1, Pittman on a draw to the 6, but Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick... and they're still huddling up. Yeesh. Garcia to Smith at 3:25 for the touchdown to make it a 10-point game, and my dreams of at least making the Over cover are alive. (It was 39.5, and we're at 38 now.)

With 3:25 left, the Bucs, curiously, kick away. Giants get the ball and a first down or two would put this one in the books as a double loss -- but hope springs eternal. On first down, Bradshaw almost breaks it. On second, he gets little. 3rd and 3, and the Bucs call time. 2:25 left, and the Bucs stuff Bradshaw. Bucs call time with 2:19 left, Giants fans can be heard singing, and after the punt, the Bucs have it at their 27 with 2:10 left.

Pittman makes a nice catch over the middle to get it to the 44, and that's the 2 minute warning. The next play is a pass that brings rain and a near pick, because, well, Jeff Garcia is what he is. A booth review could ruin my dreams of an over cover... and it's not looking good. McQuarters gets the coup de grace here, and the Giants are on their way to Dallas... and while I don't like their chances, if the Cowboys don't have Owens, it doesn't look very daunting. Hard for one team to beat another three times in a season, and all...

And harder to imagine an outcome that's going to make me happy, as an Eagles fan. Nice to see 2008 match 2007!

(Oh, and 0-2 on the bets, which now makes me 2-4 for the post-season. I'm looking for a dog to kick.)

Bucs-Giants Quasi Live Blog, Third Quarter

We're back, and Spurlock starts the half by losing the ball on the return. Deadly. Blue starts inside the Buc 30. Jacobs runs for a good looking 7, then a solid 4. It gets harder on the third straight carry, and if Gruden's got a blitz in mind, might be the time for it... Manning has Boss wide open after the DL falls down, but misses. 3rd and long and a big play on a simple screen to Jacobs. The Bucs LBs have been terrible in this game, and it's first and goal.

An incompletion to Burress and a false start pushes it back to the 13. Manning hits Toomer again for a simple and easy short toss, and TB points out that the Bucs aren't punishing the receivers; I agree wholeheartedly. Third and goal from the 4, and ugliness is averted after a delay penalty. Coughlin wants those kids off his lawn. From the 9, Fredo looks mad, and Smith catches it at 6 and is tackled at the 8. It's figgie time. Tynes makes the figgie, and Blue's up 10.

Spurlock to the 30, and Garcia's got some work to do here, and fast. Nice six yard interior burst from Graham, who gets it to a half yard from the first down on second down. Curious to see if they still control the line here, as they did on obvious run plays in the first... and in a near fumble, Graham gets the first. This is why teams go by committee with the RBs.

Graham makes a guy miss for 5 on a screen, and 15 is tacked on when Giants DL Barry Cofield goes high on Garcia. Dumb all over. From the Blue 40, Graham piles up another 10 on a first down draw; nice call and execution by the RB, who has 14 for 53 and the touchdown. They give it to him again for 3, and then Garcia blows the drive with a bad throw in the end zone for Galloway, who isn't open anyway. Giants ball at the 20. Still miss him, Eagles Fans? Buck pours salt on the wound by noting that he has three picks today, four in the regular season.

Giants go three and out as Fredo has a bad series, made worse by a holding penalty. First time since the first quarter that you can say that. Feagles nails the punt, and the Bucs have it at their 33.

On third and 2 following the punt, Garcia has a clean pocket and hits TE Alex Smith for 15, his longest pass of the day. Fox continues to harangue the Bucs for not going deep, despite the QB not having an arm, the deep threat being hurt, and the coach not believing in long throws. But yes, go deep! It's positively Rexy right now. On third and 8 and critical, Garcia almost throws a horrible pick from heavy pressure, and its punting time again. Bucs defense is going to have to force a turnover, one suspects, to get something going right now.

A quick toss to Hedgecock for 4, followed up obvious offensive pass interference by Burress. I'd like the penalty for that to be a lot more severe, since the same call against the defense is usually devastating. Here, it's a whopping five yard loss. Jacobs goes for 4, and it's 3rd and 7 and a big play, given the amount of time and probable field position right now... and Manning avoids a bad pantomime of pressure to make an easy 11 yard toss to Toomer. Blue has the ball, a 10-poing lead, and everything going their way as the third quarter ends.

Bucs-Giants Quasi Live Blog, Second Quarter

In the time it took to post the first quarter, life has gotten better for Big Blue; a 3 and out after Garcia misses Galloway on a scramble toss, a short punt and a decent return, and Fredo's in business at his own 47. Then, Fredo finds Plex Burress (he's in this game!) for 4, and throws the exact same ball to Toomer, who benefits from jumped routes and bad tackling to make a big play. Giants are in field goal range at the 32, and Jacobs has his best carry of the day: three yards. Considering that they had -2 yards in the first quarter, this is Big Progress. A pump fake on 2nd and 7 and another safe throw underneath, this to Toomer, for the first down. I have to say, Fredo's success in road games this year has looked just like this; play terrible, then get an opportunity and stick around. I'm still not feeling it, because Jacobs has six carries for one yard, but they're just 18 yards away from tying this.

2nd and 9 and it's Steve Smith again (did Kevin Boss make the trip?) for no production. Blue has dropped 42 passes this year according to Fox, which leads the league... and it's another timeout that a non-Game Manager QB wouldn't have taken. The big play of the drive is another safe and easy throw to Toomer, setting up first and goal at the six. Jacobs then catches an ugly middle screen and scores, and it's Fredo Fellation time for Fox... but maybe this is just my Eagle Hate seeping through, but I'm not seeing how any of those throws were hard. The Bucs just didn't tackle on that drive, put pressure on the QB, or cover the short routes. Credit Toomer for making plays, not the QB that threw the ball all of 20 to 25 feet to him.

Very loud shouts of defense from the traveling New York army, and Strahan breaks through for a sack. Lo, how the fates have changed since the quarter change. It's three and out for the Bucs, and I'm starting to get how Blue was 7-1 on the road this year; they finally got to be in front of a supportive crowd. Fredo's got the ball on his own 35 with a song in his heart.

Two good quick plays and Blue's into Buc territory. Fredo looks confused, but hits Burress on back to back catches to set up a second and one. Oh boy, Tom Petty's playing the Super... yawn.... Bradshaw gives the Blue running game a much better look, but he fails to get the edge on a second and one. If this game is going to stay tied, the Bucs will need to come up big here, and they don't in a big way, as Smith finally makes a play, pulling down a legitimately good throw for 21. Fredo's looking frisky, all of a sudden, especially with a very clean pocket and easy underneath throws to wide-open receivers. Manning is suddenly 10 of 14 for 127 with a touchdown, and Jacobs goes in again. Man, what a change from the first quarter. Bucs need to answer with the next possession, or this is starting to look ugly the other way.

Spurlock gets the ball to the Bucs 26, and you have to admire his accomplishment in filming "Supersize Me" while also being an NFL player. On 3rd and 3, an absolutely critical play in the flow of the game, Garcia keeps it alive with a gain of 7 to Pittman. Bucs are having a hard time keeping Garcia clean right now; 10 hurries on 16 dropbacks. At the 2 minute warning, it's another 3rd and long, but at least the Bucs have taken some time off the clock. On 3rd and 8, Hilliard makes a great play but gets a bad spot, but gets the first down anyway. Just a huge play by the ex-Giant. 1:53 left, ball at midfield.

Smith for 4, and Garcia looks like he's got a little mojo back. Clock's running, though. Webster gets away with PI on Galloway on second down. On third, good protection is wasted on a bad ball to Hilliard, who lobbies for a call but doesn't get one. With 1:07 left, the Giants get it back inside the 20. It'll be curious to see how much Coughlin trusts Fredo here... and the answer is Not At All, as Jacobs takes an interior run and the Giants huddle up. They'll eat the timeouts and go into the half up 14-7. Coughlin played that only slightly more liberally than the Taliban, but he's the guy with the 7-1 road record and the 7-point lead at halftime, so what the hell do I know?

Bucs-Giants Quasi Live Blog, First Quarter

And we're back! On the first 3rd and 8 of the game, Fredo drops back, looks scared, and short hops a ball to the outlet back. Troy Aikman then throws him under the bus for having an open receiver. Are you feeling confident yet, Giants Fans?

Damn, Tampa looks sunny and warm. I miss being in a place that actually has nice weather. A lot.

The Bucs start with a quick pace and a couple of reasonable looking runs by Earnest Graham. If you can get reasonable runs in the first quarter, I think that's a good sign for all day.

On his first third down, Jeff Garcia bounces around like a Mario character and hits Galloway for the conversion. He's got to be just maddening for a defense. I know when he was an Eagle, I was scared every play. And making video game sounds in my head.

Wow, a Mark Clayton sighting! A quick screen goes well and recovers from a reverse to Galloway that tanked. On the 3rd and 1, Askew launches himself for an easy conversion, while Garcia fakes the toss sweep to Graham. Smart all over. You always know a Gruden offense; they put in those little touches that are just, well, cute.

At the 9:40 mark, Aikman is making excuses for Big Blue as being spent from the Patriots game. Joe Buck, of course, thinks it was a good idea. Meanwhile, the Bucs sputter and fail on incompletions and a delay penalty. Bidwill's punt dies inside the 15, and we're staring down the barrel of a Field Position Game.

The Giants counter with Brandon Jacobs, who despite size and speed does little to earn my trust, and a short pass to Steve Smith, who seems to be getting a lot of looks today. On the third and 1, Jacobs gets snowed under, and Big Blue is still looking for a first down today. Bucs should get decent field position, and is it racist of me to note that white guys celebrating defensive plays always look dorkier than black guys doing it? A short punt and immediate coverage gives the Bucs the ball at their own 45.

A miss to Galloway starts making me wonder if the Bucs will squander the field position... but then Graham breaks a tackle on a run and gets a first, followed by a a slant to Clayton for another, and then another solid gain for Graham to put them in field goal position. Graham's already at 4 for 24, and the Bucs are controlling the line of scrimmage on both sides of the ball.

On a 2nd and 9. Garcia makes another Mario play by pump-faking to Graham, then throwing to him anyway, to get the Bucs to the 5. Graham stumbles to the 1 on first down, and Fox runs a graphic that shows the yards in this game as 80 to 10. Graham makes it 81, and more importantly, 7-0. Cannons fire, flags wave, and Fredo's nuts have just moved a few more inches up into his body.

Fredo walking all over the place, and as Joe Buck starts talking about how they have to be able to run the ball.. Jacobs goes sideways and down for a five yard loss. It's Fredo Time, and I'm smelling a pick. Nope, take a very scared looking time out first... good grief. You know, anyone that ever wanted to talk about Peyton Manning's playoff problems, well, Fredo dwarfs those. Big time.

On 2nd and 14, the Bucs give Blue a five yard gift from the saliva throwing a DL offside. Maybe that brings Jacobs back into things; nope. Fredo uses a clean pocket and throws his best ball of the day, but Smith misses it. When did Smith become their only WR? On 3rd and 9, it's Sack City, and if this was a nature documentary, the Bucs D would be sharks and the Giants offense would be a bleeding sea cow. Hilliard takes the fair catch after the Giants third three and out at the Bucs 31... and if the Bucs can drive and score here, you might not be getting a whole lot of Entertaining Quasi Live Blog from this game. (Yeah, yeah, yeah, the entertaining is a reach.) 7-0 Bucs and we're into the commercial melee.

Jags-Steelers Quasi Live Blog, Fourth Quarter

Jags take the kickoff and do what they do best... um, actually, no -- instead they drop back and throw three times, missing twice and taking a sack on third down. You know, there's a reason why Jack del Rio is not considered a Genius. After a nearly blocked punt, there's 14:14 left in the game and a lot more suspense than would have been expected. The Steelers will start at their 31, and despite the fact that they've run 19 times for 30 yards and their QB has thrown 3 picks, they're alive. The Jags, they keep you around.

Ben, who probably throws more pump fakes than anyone not named Favre, hits Ward for a quick first down, then a screen for 7 where Ward powers through three guys. If you need your WR to make you pump your fist, Ward's your guy. A near pick on second is followed up with a check down to Ward for the first. He now has 9 catches for 142. Yeesh.

Ben finds Miller in the flat, and the big TE makes a CB miss and gets another first. Not the best game for the Jags defense when it comes to tackling. After another first down toss to Wilson, the Jags make another post-play mistake, and the flag moves it inside the red zone... where Davennightsoil drops a very open play, but is redeemed on the next play, where Ben hits Miller for the touchdown. Ward makes an amazing play for the two-point conversion, but it comes back for a holding call. Brutal. Nearly as brutal as going for 2 from the 12 with 10:25 left; it fails, and it's 28-23. That Missed Extra Point May Come Back To Haunt Them!

After the now de rigeur Wuss Move of not kicking it to Returner, the Jags get a holding call... and then Garrard throws the backbreaking, Room Service, defender called for a freaking fair catch pick. After the return, the Steelers are in the red zone.

You remember where I wrote how no one who bet on this game would feel good about it? I warned you. And Me.

The home crowd is going gonzo before a third and one from the 7... and Ben gets it from the secondary shove from Davenkotite. After a quickie to Ward on a bootleg and another bootleg, a third down pass is tipped... and the Steelers go for it on fourth from the 2. Ward gets the flag on a call that could have gone either way.

On first down from the 1, Davencaca gets in, and the two-point fails. 29-28, and the missed points after are now huge, in that a field goal wins the game for the Jags, instead of tying it. 29-28, Steelers... who have scored 19 unanswered in the blink of a relative eye.

So, with 6:16 left, can Garrard lead a road comeback? He has 2 picks tonight on 14 attempts. He's looking Leftwichian right now, and the home crowd is causing false start penalties. Garrard tries a check down to the back, which does not work, as predicted. On 2nd and 13, it's a brutal drop for a wide-open Greg Jones off a scramble; that's the kind of play that just ends seasons. On 3rd and 13, with the crowd going Ka Ra Zee, Garrard gets time and hits Northcutt for a big first down. Jones is off the hook.

Now with a first down, the Jags can run, and Taylor does for three. On second, Garrard holds the ball for 10 seconds before throwing it away. With 4:11 left, Garrard takes a bad sack, and it will be up to the Jags defense to give them any last chance. After the punt, it's 3:43 left and the Steelers start at their 20.

Davengrowler for 5 on first -- a big play. Second down, Davenhoying gets stuffed, and the Jags take a time out. 3rd and 6 from the 26... and Ben rolls out and drops a load. With 2:50 left, it's punt time, and I'm waiting for the SNF team to tell me how the Steelers decision to go for two could cost them the season. Well? Well?

After a good return from Northcutt, its the Jags ball at their 49. Wilford misses a catch by inches that would have been huge... and the Jags are challenging, which will cost them their final time out. An 8-yard out to Williams gets them a 3rd and 2, and Garrard lets the clock run down to the two minute warning, inexplicably. 3rd and 2 from the Steelers 43. Despite the awful coaching decisions, this is a heck of a game.

Lewis drops an underthrown ball on 3rd, with Polamlu blitzing like a mad man. On fourth down... Garrard scrambles for 32 unforgettable yards to the Steeler 11. Pittsburgh timeout. Wow, wow, wow.

On first down, Jones-Drew gets crushed, another timeout. I was wondering, given the possibility of a 30 yard field goal, that the Steelers should let them score a touchdown, so you'd at least get the ball back with 1:15 left and two timeouts. No such move. On second, MoJo gets 5, and it's 3rd and 7 from the 8. MoJo to the 2, and it's an extra point try now. The Jags take a delay of game to milk every second, and it's Scobee from 25 yards for the game -- and he makes it. 31-29, and now, FINALLY, the announcers point out that going for the 2-point play from the 12 might not have been smart.

WAY TO GET IN THE GAME, YOU FREAKING FOSSILS!

Davenbraman returns it to the 28. Ben has 29 seconds and 40 yards... and he won't get any of them. Sack, fumble, ball game...

and since this was a 2.5 point spread, a cover for the home team, and a double loss for me. You have to love gambling!

(Oh, and there is no way that the Jags are winning next week; their QB was 9 for 21, for heaven's sake, and their coach eats paste. But thanks for playing!)

Steelers-Jaguars Quasi-Live Blog, Third Quarter

1) During NBC's Halftime Orchestra of Punditry, Tiki Barber, acting out of instinct, throws the QB (Ben) under the bus. Now yes, he certainly didn't play that well... but someone might want to note that Daventurd has 9 carries for 13 yards, and that's with his first three carries going for 21. Mr. Ben is not exactly drowning in help.

2) I put the youngest down for bed, and miss the Garrard pick. The Jag defense stiffens amidst unnecessary Steelers offense trickery -- note the continuing theme of Tomlin not trusting his players to be better without misdirection, a common problem with this team, and a big reason why I picked against them this week. Jags are up 21-10, and that under pick is on severe life support.

3) Jags take the kickoff and drive it down the gut, aided by a bad face mask penalty on what would have been a sack. Mo-Jo scores from distance to make it 28-10, and it's a really bad sign for the home team that his jersey is still looking mighty clean. There are 19 minutes left in the game and the Steelers season.

4) Davencrap fumbles the resulting kickoff, but it goes out of bounds. Get ready for a lot of Ben pulling stuff out of his butt, and yes, the fecal jokes are coming just and furious here. Will I have to go to Thesaurus.com to find more words for Najeh? That's about all of the suspense left right about now.

5) I'm going into Larry King mode now, so let me apologize in advance for the utter lack of quality or insight... A shot now of Grady Jackson, who has to still be burning from that Falcons rejection. He'll never be able to get over the shame of being on a Final Four team... The Steelers are driving just to ruin my under pick. Bastards. But Hines Ward is my idea of a WR. Love that guy... Is there a worse penalty in football than the false start by the offense at home?... Ben takes a bad sack by trying to do too much, setting up a 4th and 12 to start the fourth quarter... and Holmes breaks a tackle on a blitz, ruins the under and makes this a game again. Sheesh. 28-17, and right now, Gregg Easterbrook is writing things in his notebook of Smug Crap that absolutely no one will be surprised by. Seriously, can't he just set up a macro for this now? Back in a bit...

Jags-Steelers Quasi Live Blog, First Half

1) Opening drive for the Steelers features a lot of misdirection, Hines Ward, and the Jags' defense over compensating with late hits and bad penalties. A near fumble at the goal line stays with the home team, and Actually Better Than The Starting RB Najeh Davenport groans it in from the one. (Najeh, honestly, could run for 2,000 yards next year and still be getting Poop Jokes. Now and forever, really.)

2) Mo-Jo, who I call that just to save a lot of typing and because if he's good he deserves a nickname and if he's bad he gets Flo-Jo allusions, takes the following kickoff to the Steeler 1 yard line, ending any hope from the home crowd that this one's going to be easy for them. It's actually a great play to not get the touchdown there, as it gives your defense a little more rest and by the numbers, teams lose more often than they win when they run one back for a touchdown. But still, if you're a fan, you probably want the touchdown. Taylor gets it in from the one, and the huge number of people who've been burned by Fred Taylor getting vultured at the goal line in fantasy leagues all smile ruefully. Tie game.

3) The game then settles down for the rest of the first quarter, with the teams having some mild success moving the ball, but bogging down at midfield. This is a lot more of what we were expecting, but I'm still not liking my under bet right now.

4) On a 3rd and 10, Ward gathers in a deflection for a huge play and a first down. This is why you are insane for betting this game. This game will totally turn on a play like that... and then Rasheed Mathis flips it entirely with an INT return for a TD. Flag on the play adds insult to injury by letting the Jags kick from the 50. This is looking like the dream scenario for the Jags, in that they should be playing from ahead.

5) Pick Number Two of Big Ben comes with a video review where Al Michaels is ready to sell Rasheed Mathis's dreadlocks down the river for the loss of a 20-yard return. Then, the refs call him down by phantom contact, and the dreads are off the hook. That sound you heard while this was happening was all of the young and black people watching the game telling Michaels to go die of old age, already.

6) On the subsequent possession, Garrard hits Mo-Jo, who shifts into Turbo Mode to go the distance. The Jags are up by two touchdowns, and threatening to turn this game into Garbage Time. My under pick is toast, but the Jags pick is looking a lot less worrisome than expected.

7) A lot of booing from the home team as the Steelers offense is looking very, um, finesse. Four sacks in the first 23 minutes will do that to you. The piece de resistance is a 3rd and 15 where Ben has to abort a screen. When you can't even run a screen on 3rd and 15... you are getting punched in the mouth. Repeatedly.

8) The Jags are running the ball straight up the middle with success, and their OL is getting in those fun just before the whistle extra hits. Along with Rich Kotite on your sideline and vultures circling the locker room, these are Not Good Signs, assuming you're a Steelers Fan.

9) I think John Madden is cultivating his next great crush... and it's MoJo. Brett Favre may leave us one day, and John has to have a fallback.

10) Pittsburgh is getting no push from its pass rush, but Josh Scobee misses from 46, and we still have a game. (I do have to thank the Jags and Steelers for showing the world how quickly a football game can be played, though. The first half of Seahawks-Redskins, I think I saw more Diet Pepsi ads than football.)

11) Madden makes a George The Animal Steele reference, showing he reads BDD over at Deadspin. Davenpoop then busts a screen to get the Steelers into field goal range. We're a play away from a game where the Jags have dominated physically being up by all of one play -- just like a month ago.

12) That play, however, really wasn't Ben's third pick of the night on an ugly middle screen where the Jags DT, looking more than a little like George The Animal Steele, stops the drive. The Jags run out the clock and go into the half up 21-7 to a chorus of Zinzer boos. (It's OK, though -- the game isn't in Philadelphia, so no one has to pule over how booing hurts the home team's efforts, and people really just should not do it.) Back in a bit.

Five NFL Saturday Commercial Notes

> As an Eagles fan, I feel better knowing that Wade Philips and Tony Romo will mindlessly go with a play call that's obviously wrong, rather than take a timeout or audible at the line. Now, all we have to do is keep Jimmy Jones out of the coordinator's box.

> Is anyone else saddened beyond words that the Daily Show's Rob Riggle is now shilling for Budweiser? Let the spirit of Bill Hicks, who is frankly far more powerful than the spirit of Sean Taylor could ever be, inform you, Rob. (Warning: Naughty words and A-list Americans whoring themselves out on Japanese commercials await.)



> Does the ad agency that sold Toyota on the idea that a World of Warcraft mock really think that, um, truck drivers play World of Warcraft? Way to lock up that redneck D&D player market, people.

> Why do truck buyers want to see stunt drivers nearly kill themselves on closed courses with moves that I should not attempt? Isn't there a bigger market in the blooper role for such things?

> Is there anything about the return of American Gladiators that can't be achieved with Google Image search, some lotion, and a tissue box? No? Didn't think so. Glad we got that all cleared up. Happy wanking!

Five Quick Points about Seahawks-Redskins

1) Did anyone notice that the Seahawks won by 21 -- THE SAME NUMBER AS THE MOST FAMOUS DEAD GUY EVER, SEAN TAYLOR -- points?

Seriously, Redskins, if The Ghost gets the credit when you beat the Cowboys by that number, then you have to give him the blame when you lose by that. (Personally, I think Ghost left after giving the Skins that gift possession after the kickoff, then watching the offense squander the possession and miss the field goal... but as TB notes, why didn't Ghost make the miss come back enough for the three points? In life and in death, Taylor's lack of discipline hurt his team.)

2) This will probably be the last time anyone lets Todd Collins start a game, but I liked his play as much as you could like anyone in a three-touchdown loss in which two of the touchdowns were INT returns. (The first was a ball that Santana Moss shamefully gave up on, and the second happened with a minute left.) Meanwhile, the Skins' stars - Moss, Cooley, Portis - were dropping balls left and right in this game, especially in the first half when any kind of score would have been big... and his OL could not keep him upright. When he had time, he threw a good ball much more often than not. There are plenty of worse QBs out there with starting jobs.

3) I can't wait to bet against Matt Hasselbeck on the road. He was flat-out terrible in this game, and his OL didn't have him feeling comfortable at any point in this game, even when he was working with a lead. Against a rested Packers team with good CBs on the road, he's no threat -- and neither is this team.

4) The next guy that Shawn Alexander makes miss will be his first in 2008. I haven't seen an RB this spent since Duce Staley was wearing a Steelers uniform.

5) He'll be forgotten for bigger goats like Shawn Missed Figgie And Momentum Killer Suisum and Shawn Springs, but Mike Sellers had a horrible, horrible game for the Redskins. He got stuffed on a fourth down play, committed a penalty on a big kickoff return, didn't create any holes for Portis, and caused a timeout and big momentum break in the third down before the field goal miss by not knowing where to line up. He also then mouthed off to his QB about it.

It's funny to say this for when a higher seed wins a home game by 21 (SEAN TAYLOR'S NUMBER! SPOOKY! SPOOKY!), but I really felt like this was more a case of the Skins losing it than the Seahawks winning it. Sure, they rushed the passer well, but it wasn't like people weren't open all night for Collins. I can't imagine not taking the Pack next week against this team.

Final note: We're 2-0 in our picks so far, though that over really didn't look good for a while there. Ride the gravy train, baby!

Isiah Now Has The Cops, Too

H/t on 205th, who found this from the NY Daily News; the gist is that a college student was led away in handcuffs for selling the T-shirt you see here outside of the Garden before the Championship Pending Knicks, um, effort, against the Kings this week.

Two quick points about this:

1) You never see anyone get arrested for wearing or selling a Five Tool Tool T-Shirt. Modify your purchase habits accordingly.

2) I, for one, welcome our Isiah Overlord and his ability to now command the New York Police Department as his own personal militia. This kid is just lucky that Lord Isiah is a kind Lord, or else his ass would be Gitmo. (Bill O'Reilly wishes he had Lord Isiah's power.)

And the Eagles' off-season was going so well

(The image is what comes up when you search for Smug Bastard. It's Brian Billick, honest, in a past life when he went on Match Game. The Horror.)

From today's Philadelphia Daily News, h/t Tracer Bullet, and straight to my gall bladder, which is where the bile gets made...

Don't be shocked if Brian Billick, who was fired earlier this week as the Ravens' head coach, winds up as an offensive consultant on Andy Reid's staff. Billick and Reid are longtime friends. You might recall that Reid brought another pal, Marty Mornhinweg, on board after he was fired by the Lions 5 years ago.

What, Andy, is the team lacking in Smug Bastards? Please, I'm begging you, keep the offense genius-free, OK? That also goes for Martz...

NFL Picks, Wild Card Weekend: Winning Time

First things first -- in the update that you could not care at all about, to the point of your apathy being replaced with active anger, I finished one winner off the championship in my picks league. For the year, I was 118-126-12, so if you're coming to me for serious gambling advice, You Are Out Of Your Mind. (But on the plus side, all I have to do is go 10-1 in the playoff picks to be Over 500! Woo Hoo!)

Now, on to the picks!

* * * * *

Jacksonville is a 2.5 point favorite in PITTSBURGH, with a 39.5 point over/under.

All of the signs are going to the Jaguars. They're young, they're healthy, they play smashmouth football, they're catching a reeling Steelers team that's missing their top running back, most of their offensive line, and their mojo ever since the Jags controlled the line of scrimmage in a win at Pittsburgh a month ago.

Damn, I so want to go the other way on them, and here's the reason why... David Garrard and those receivers, on the road. (And by the way, dumping it off to the RBs won't help, either, as the Steelers are fantastic at taking away the RB in the passing game.) If the Steelers get any kind of lead in this game in the second half, and it comes down to Garrard having to win the game for the Jags, I don't see them being able to do it. And frankly, it's hard to take any road team that's got that mark against it.

However... the Jags were, according to Football Outsiders, the second-best offense in the AFC in the second half of the year. (Yes, even better than the Juggernaut. Too many games in bad weather.) It's hard to see how Big Ben is going to stay upright in this game long enough to pick on the Jags' secondary, and how the Steelers are going to stop the run, even when they know its coming. This one will be tight all over and will give no one on either side of the wager a moment's peace.

Jaguars 21, Steelers 17... which means I'm taking Jacksonville and the UNDER.

* * * * *

SEATTLE is a 3.5 point favorite against Washington, with a 40.5 point over/under.

Over the past few years, Seattle has been a very strong home team, and that advantage has continued in the playoffs, albeit with some strong assistance from Tony Romo's field goal holding technique. The Skins have, of course, ridden a resurgent defense, the overwhelming emotion of the Sean Taylor tragedy, some effective game management work from Todd Collins and the fact that God Himself Thinks Joe Gibbs Is A Very, Very Nice Man. From 5-8 to the sixth seed is a mean feat, and it says something strong that they've been able to gut their way through elimination games for nearly a month now.

Having said that, it ends here. Seattle has ran the ball just well enough to keep the opposition honest, Matt Hasselbeck has quietly (as if there's any other way one can play in Seattle) put together his best season ever, and the Skins have only two plus offensive players in this game -- Clinton Portis and Chris Cooley. (Yes, I just dissed Santana Moss. Big-time. He's getting used to it.)

On the road, against a home crowd that's usually good for several crushing false start penalties per game, it's too much to overcome. Midnight comes for Cinderella Collins, and the Seahawks win and pad the score late with a defensive touchdown.

SEAHAWKS 31, Redskins 17... which means SEATTLE and the OVER.

* * * * *

SAN DIEGO as a 9.5 point favorite against Tennessee, with a 40 point over/under.

Every year, there's a complete dog of a game, and this is it. The Chargers are no good in any game where coaching can be a factor, and the Titans have a heck of an advantage with Fisher over Turner... but that's just about the only edge the road team has, unless you really think that Pro Bowl kicker Rob Bironas is worth a couple of touchdowns over Nate Kaeding.

The Titans hang their hat on a defense that's good when Albert Haynesworth plays, and really good when Chris Hope is in at safety as well. (Note that we just kind of assume Keith Bulluck is in the middle, and for the record, he's got my vote as best LB in the NFL right now.) Unfortunately for the Titans, Hope is done for the year and Haynesworth keeps popping in and out of the lineup... and the Chargers have LaDanian Tomlinson, and that alone should be enough, even with Norvalicious on the sidelines.

Bonus: the Titans are starting their second-best QB right now (the rapidly and disturbingly disintegrating Vince Young, who has shown a shocking resemblance to Tavaris Jackson for most of the year), have the worst wideouts this side of Minnesota (yes, Tavaris again), and their best RB (LemDale White) is fumble-prone. Yummy! I'm looking for this game to be out of hand by the third quarter, and for multiple Michael Turner and Darren Sproles sightings. (They are LDT's caddies, for the non-fantasy addled.)

One last point about Norv, and then I'll get off him... how did the Chargers, who had Marty Schottenheimer at this time last year, somehow go to an even shakier coaching situation? You have to respect ther brain trust for that one, big time.

CHARGERS 38, Titans 14... which gives us CHARGERS plus the OVER.

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TAMPA BAY is a 3-point favorite against the Giants, with a 39.5 point over/under.

No one has taken this Buccaneers team seriously all year, for many good reasons: they play in a terrible division, they were only 9-7, their offensive "stars" are available in any number of primitive NFL video games from the late '90s. But here's what they also do -- they prevent the big play, don't usually turn the ball over, and with Jeff Garcia and his ageless scamper power, don't take big penalties or terrible sacks. It's also Garcia's third time around against the Giants in a playoff game, and he's always enjoyed the experience.

The Giants, of course, are hoping that their strong loss to the Patriots in Week 17 shows them as a team on the rise in the suddenly vulnerable NFC. There's a few things to like here, first of which is their inexplicably good 7-1 road record. Secondly, Kevin Boss has been more than adequate replacing Jeremy Shockey. Third, Plexico Burress finally looks healthy, and finally, Brendan Jacobs seemed positively frisky last week against the Pats.

Now for the bad news. The Bucs have a much better defense than the Pats right now. Raymond James Stadium is a tough place to play at any time of the year, yet alone the playoffs. No healthy player in the Giants secondary can stay with Joey Galloway (witness how open Moss was after Sam Madison went down). And when push comes to shove, the Giants start Fredo Manning under center, and have Tom Coughlin as their coach. That duo has combined for zero -- as in Zee Row -- playoff wins for Big Blue to date. It won't get better now. Count on Ronde Barber looking enough like Tiki to catch a ball, too.

BUCS 24, Giants 16 -- so I'm taking the Bucs and the OVER.

Bet early and often!