Dude, Where's My Car?

God bless you Cubs fans. As a life long Cardinals fan, I just love the entertainment that the Cubs and their fans provide me. The latest bit of amusement out of the Cubs fans is their new rally cry “It’s Gonna Happen!” I find this to be hilarious on so many levels. (You can read a nice, warm and fuzzy article in SI’s July 30th issue about it.)

Let’s start with the ambiguity of it. It doesn’t really describe what “it” is. In fact, I know what “it” is. “It” will be when the Cubs completely fall apart down the stretch. We got to see a glimpse of “it” last night. The Cubs could have ended up tied for the NL Central lead last night with a win over the Phillies. Instead they managed to only get 3 hits in a 4-1 loss. The Completely Useless By September squad is getting a head start here in July.

With this club’s history, do you really want to tempt fate with such an ominous slogan as “It’s Going to Happen?” The baseball gods have a sense of humor. The Cubs history proves that. Maybe we'll see Lou give the ball to Zambrano as he leaves a crucial game in the 8th inning ala Dusty Baker a few years ago. Who will be this year’s Bartman? Will Soriano and Ramirez knock each other out going for a short fly ball to left field? Maybe Wrigley will finally fall apart and the Cubs will be forced to play at the Cell. Whatever it may be, you can count on “it” happening to the Cubs. I would go ahead now and change the slogan to “Shit’s Gonna Happen” or a take off of Ernie Banks slogan “We’re screwed! Let’s play two.”

But my favorite part of this rallying cry is that the phrase is copyrighted. That’s fine. However, check out the font associated with the copyrighted slogan. These dumb ass Cubs fans are not even smart enough to use their own font. Check out the photo above. That’s right Red Sox fans, they’re using your font and color scheme. This in itself shows why the Cubs will always be losers.

Oh, on a side note. Rick Morrissey of the Chicago Tribune wrote an article back in May basically singing the praises of Jason Marquis and how the Cardinals fans must be sick that they lost Marquis to the Cubs. This was right after Marquis had recorded back to back wins against the Cards. No, Rick, we’re not. We know what he is and what he isn’t. For only $21 million the Cubs were able to secure a pitcher who has 2 wins and a 7.36 ERA since June. Where’s your follow up article Rick?

FTT Makes You Humble

Let us all now bask in the wit and wisdom of old-time wrestling heel the Iron Sheik. Not Safe For Work, Children, Or Your Ass.



When I am old and playing fantasy leagues, I'm so copying his act. (I may also have to wait until he's dead, to be safe.)

The Epic Drop: Pissing On Green Corn Flakes

A day after FTT tells Celtics Fan that KG isn't coming, we go into detail as to why he won't help.

You have to admire us for our consistency.

Thank you, Coach Walsh

Any number of sites will be treating this passing at length, many of them better qualified to do it than me. When Walsh was in his glory, I was 3,000 miles away, wishing that my team could be like his.

Perhaps the best way to remember Walsh is to read Michael Lewis's fantastic book about football, "The Blind Side." In it, Lewis examines the chess match between Bill Parcells and Bill Walsh -- and in that chapter, you get to the point of really understanding and appreciating both men, and what they brought to coaching.

Walsh, simply, made you feel like it was OK to think about football. The way his offense worked, at its height, didn't look like a one-time gathering of world-changing talent, though of course they had that as well. It just looked like they were ahead of the game, smarter, more sophisticated.

In a time when offense looked like World War I-esque tests of wills to run it up the gut, or the same old Al Davisian deep outs and bombs, Walsh devised slants that looked like they should get their WRs killed, and yet they never did. Even when they were beating my team, it was hard to really work up a good hate on them.

His defenses were some of the most underrated in NFL history. His secondaries defined shutdown, to the point where an ordinary pass rush generated constant and effective pressure. His safety was Ronnie Lott. That, alone, made them not a finesse team. Since his offense usually provided a lead, his defense could play downhill all game -- and they did it well. For a "cerebral" coach, you rarely saw his line get trampled. Just because they were smart didn't mean they also couldn't play a little smashmouth.

His offense was not as revolutionary as you might be led to believe. Hints and touches of it were around as early as 1960, with an Eagle team that won a championship without being able to run the ball worth a damn. The AFL also had tons of stuff that Walsh used later.

But the mystique that he brought to it -- the hubris of scripting plays in advance, the simple but relentless mastery of the same sets, and the play-calling mix that always seemed to be on point -- was remarkable.

When the Niners came to power, I rooted for them as my back-up team, as did most of America, it seemed. There was a simple reason to this: either you rooted for the Niners or you rooted for the Cowboys, and rooting for the Cowboys was like rooting for a holier-than-thou version of the Yankees.

Besides, there was never a time, before Walsh, that the Niners created any kind of animosity around the league. They just weren't very good very often.

Since Bill lost the fastball and moved on, the Niner faithful have looked and behaved like the rich kid whose family hits hard times -- unable to accept that the glory years have gone forever.

There will also never be, I am certain, a coach that gets this far in front of the game, and maintains his lead for as long as Walsh did. The league is more competitive now, and the race to imitate any innovation is much faster.

He also, and this is true no matter who you root for, made the game better -- simply because he made it OK to think about pro football in all new ways. There isn't too many people who you can say that about.

When You Care Enough To Use Your Thumbs

In the middle of a jaw-dropping story about protests *for* Michael Vick, this little nugget of joy:

On the West Coast, former Falcons coach Jim Mora said he has given Vick moral support in a text message Wednesday.

You see what Mora does here? He does the lowest possible form of communication -- ephemeral text messaging -- to reach the guy who killed him at his last job.

What's the matter Jim, couldn't find a "Sorry You've Been Indicted" card at the Hallmark store?

With my flabber being gasted this badly, I'm just rolling the clip that sums up the over-30 mindset towards texting in general. The voice is...



Samuel L. Jackson. Ah, satisfaction.

I Don't Think He's Bluffing

So, the next time you are at the rodeo, and someone asks you if you want to join in a game of Last Man Standing? Say no. (Of course, as you are at the rodeo in the first place, we're not thinking you always make the best decisions.)

Video is Not Safe For Work, and has blood and Kenny Rogers (not the pitcher). You've been warned... H/t, With Leather.

Thank You, Gods of Comedy

Answering the prayers of sports bloggers everywhere, this:

Pac-Man Jones to sign with pro wrestling organization.

Two things about this:

1) To complete the fall from grace, it's not even the WWE. This is like going to Scranton to make porn.

2) They say he won't wrestle or be a heel, but they also say that he's an NFL player. Your media, lying to you once again.

And just because I'm in the mood... Pac-Man' Top 5 Possible Signature Moves:

5) The Arrest -- that's where you handcuff your opponent. Despite being anti-climactic, it's how every Pac-Man bout ends.

4) The Shutdown -- this wildly overrated move involves buying your opponent's fake, then getting beaten like a red-headed stepchild. Truest move to his career.

3) The Coach-Killer -- here, you bring someone to the ring with you, then turn on them viciously.

2) The Suspension -- A "rest" submission move where you hang your opponent over the ropes with your money belt. Lasts an inordinately long time, even by overwrought wrestling standards.

1) The Rainmaker. What else could it be? Throw fake money in the air, distracting opponent. Beat the crap out of the opponent, then take back the money. (So what if he stole this from Ted DiBiase? It's not like he hasn't stolen every other move from Mo Clarett.)

I have so many unanswered questions about this. What's his entrance music? Does he lose matches when someone yanks him around my the dreads? Does he have mic skills? Will they trot out a hapless Jeff Fisher-esque lackey/valet? Do strippers accompany him to ringside, only to leave disappointed? Will he make it rain for fans in the front row? The mind reels, and reels, and reels.

H/t, 100% Injury Rate. And thank you, Pac Man. If there were a Sports Blogosphere Man of the Year, you'd take it hands down.

Memo To Celtics Fan

Garnett isn't coming.

Jermaine O'Neal said no, too.

You don't have enough to get Kobe, and he doesn't want to be there, either.

Shawn Marion isn't coming through the door. (On the bright side, neither is Rick Pitino.)

Your team is anchored by two aging wing players, a big man who hasn't put up numbers outside of a garbage time tank season, and a bench that makes my Sixers look... comparable.

The most two important positions on the floor -- center and point guard -- are manned by foul and turnover-prone players with absolutely no offensive game (Perkins and Rondo).

Your coach could not find his ass with both hands and a map. Your GM hired your coach.

You aren't relevant now, you won't be relevant later, and your future looks worse than the Knicks.

So enjoy the latest KG rumors. Like every other deluded franchise and fan base, the straws that you grab at will always seem more plausible in the off-season.

Epic Drop: Top 10 Unanswered Questions About The Eddy Curry Robbery

Think you've already read this post, but with the name "Antoine Walker" in place of Curry's? You haven't. Honest.

Why Gwynn and Ripken-esque careers will happen again

Yesterday's Hall of Fame ceremony for Cal Ripken and Tony Gwynn provoked any number of "you'll never see the likes of them" columns and comments from the usual suspects. Basically, that with free agency, income inequity, the metric system and these pesky kids with their iPods, players who spend 20+ years with the same team won't happen.

But this is, in the words of my dear old grandpappy, a big old steaming pile of crap.

The fact is that it's *always* been rare for a player to have a very long career with one organizarion, throughout baseball history, for two reasons:

1) People who play for a really long time are rare, and

2) If you play for a long time, you've got trade value, and that value usually winds up getting explored at some point.

Don't believe me? Check out Ty Cobb's plaque in Cooperstown, where all of those years in Detroit end with the Athletics. Or Hank Aaron, where 20 years with the Braves end with two with the Brewers. Willie Mays did 20 years with the Giants, then two stumbling around with the Mets.

As a matter of actual fact, rather than a reason to believe that we are all going to Hell In A Handbasket, this is one of the best eras ever in baseball history for people who dote on watching a long career in the same laundry.

Of the 23 players in MLB history with over 10,000 at bats, 11 have played in the last 25 years - Rose, Yaz, Ripken, Murray, Yount, Winfield, Henderson, Molitor, Biggio, Brett and Brock. In that 11, 5 did it in one uniform - Yaz, Ripken, Yount, Biggio and Brett. (In case you're wondering, Gwynn had 9,288 at bats.)

Among active players, it's hard to imagine that Derek Jeter -- currently over 7200 at bats into his career -- ends in anything but pinstriples. Chipper Jones looks pretty locked down in Atlanta. Jorge Posada, Eric Chavez and Jimmy Rollins are all over 4,000 at bats into single team careers; you don't hear their names in trade rumors.

Beyond the sheer historical trends, there's this -- sports marketing is such a force now, and the money is so big... when you, as a team, deal a player who has been seen as the face of the franchise -- it's a big deal. Especially if you're doing it as an obvious salary ploy.

So the Brewers kept Yount, and the Royals kept Brett, and the Astros locked up Biggio, and so on, and so on. And the trend won't stop, because despite the best laid whines of the aging sportwriter, the world isn't going to hell in a handbasket.

So, please, let's just honor Gwynn and Ripken for what they were -- very great ballplayers that woul have been inducted even if they had several teams listed on their final record. Rather than as the last of a breed that, frankly, is nowhere near dying out.

Epic Drop: Top 10 Signs You've Bought A Crappy Fantasy Football Annual

Here's your daily dose of linky goodness. Oh, and the image is Kelvin Bryant, clearly the best RB in USFL history. Suck it, Herschel!

When You Want To Rock The Apollo, Be White And Homeless

This isn't sports at all, but it's amazing. He's called Super Bad Brad, and he's something of a phenom in NYC. H/t, Very Short List.

The Epic Drop: NFL v. Photographers

Today's top 10 chucklefest involves future moves by the NFL to make life miserable for those uppity photographers. And just because they don't want to wear a vest that looks like what I had to wear as a minimum wage security guard back in college. Pussies!

Take That Foot Out Of Your Mouth, Lance

Lance Briggs signed the one year franchise player offer from the Bears yesterday. This after he said he would never play for the Bears again.

From ESPN.com:

In an interview with ESPN.com in March, Briggs didn't mince words about Chicago, the Bears and his teammates.

"There's a difference between the Chicago Bears team and the Chicago Bears organization," Briggs said. "The Chicago Bears team? The coaches, players, city and fans? Yeah, I could stay there forever. I love it. But the Chicago Bears organization? I don't want to be there anymore. I won't play for them and I'll do everything in my power to keep from playing there."

"Whatever options are available to me, I'll take advantage of them. But going back and playing for the Bears again, no, I don't see that as an option. Not one more day. Not at all."

When Drew Rosenhaus is your agent and you take his advice, you usually end up regret taking it. Just ask TO.

NASCAR fans don't need help...

to see things that don't exist. That's what the meth and bathtub gin is for.

From Awful Announcing via With Leather, and sponsored by the same dipshit mentality that brought you the Red Hot Puck and many, many things that I'm blocking out of my mind because My Mind Is A Happy Place... well, play it, already. In case you're wondering, ESPN is accused of this nonsense.



As always, I have to wonder what's next. Flatulence waves for quarterbacks when they're sacked? Yellow dribbles down the front of struggling closers? Smoke pouring out of the ears of irate coaches? In the words of the late great Bill Hicks on the Easter Bunny, so long as we're making shit up...

AFC Portents of Doom

Thirty two teams wih a chance. 31 will drink from the chalice of defeat. When will you know it's your team's turn to partake of the bitterness? You could watch the games, or you could read this blog. Today, we'll look at the AFC, also known as the one with the good teams.

AFC East

New England

On field: When Tom Brady continues his transformation into the non-clutch guy with all of the regular season stats (like The Highlander, There Can Be Only One) by throwing a back-breaking interception in a playoff game. Even money on whether or not the Patriot faithful get their heads away from his nuts long enough to notice.

Off field: When Bill Belicheck, confronted by the bling and star power of new off-season additions, starts dressing as if he has a job and home.

New York

On field: When the Jets are Bad Touched by The Noodly Appendage that is Chad Pennington's right arm, in a wintry game with wind.

Off field: When Eric Mangini, confronted by the track record of Papa Bear Belicheck, starts dressing like a homeless man.

Miami

On field: When the euphoria over Trent Green not being as bad as Daunte Culpepper and AJ Feeley wears off.

Off field: When the team comes to the awful collective realization that they still haven't really gotten over losing Ricky Williams.

Buffalo

On field: When it becomes obvious that even though Willis McGahee will never be as good as he thinks he is, he's a damn sight better than what's left.

Off field: When JP Losman reveals his name to stand for Jean Pierre.

AFC North

Baltimore

On field: When Steve McNair discovers he's 49, and the rest of the division doesn't go 20-28.

Off field: When Brian Billick gets arrested following a fight in an elevator when a fellow rider, who claims to be a big NFL fan, can't recall the Ravens ever making it to a Super Bowl, much less winning it.

Cincinnati

On field: When Levi Jones, permanently spooked by the Joey Porter assault, turns into a turnstile, leading to a brutal injury to starting QB Carson Palmer. (Hey, Bengals fan -- I don't mean to alarm you, but your back-up QB is Doug Johnson. Aii.)

Off field: When the entire team goes crazy on Kentucky moonshine, leading to a hilarious, madcap 18-car chase through all of Hazard County. Watch out for Chris Henry's death-defying jump over the Spence Bridge!

Pittsburgh

On field: Fast Willie Parker starts looking like Duce Staley, or Ben Rothlisberger lookslike he's back on the motorcycle.

Off field: Joey Porter slays 14 in an elaborate revenge killing, and is fined heavily by the NFL. (Big ups, by the way, to Joey for timing his off-season bitch slap of Levi Jones for the Offseason of Vick and Pac-Man. Impeccable timing.)

Cleveland

On field: When the regular season starts.

Off field: When Brady Quinn cashes in on the big endorsement deals and worldwide fame that awaits him as the NFL's first openly gay quarterback. Seriously, Brady, go for it. We're all behind you.

AFC South

Indianapolis

On field: The lack of a quality third wideout since Brandon Stokeley succumbed to White WRS Can Only Have One Good Year Syndrome, combined with the fact tht they are one Bob Harris injury away from not being able to stop the run at all, spells doom.

Off field: Peyton Manning decides that, after conquering all his demons last year, it was more fun being tortured.

Jacksonville

On field: The budding QB controversey of Leftwich/Garrard, combined with the budding RB controversey of Taylor/Jones-Drew, creates confusion, dissent, and 25 million pissed-off fantasy football owners.

Off field: Jack Del Rio ups the ante on his previous wood chopping antics, causing the loss of three-quarters of his kickoff coverage team.

Houston

On field: The Denver zone-blocking/clipping scheme fails to take hold outside of Denver. Also, Ahman Green continues to steal money in ways that Edgerrin James can only applaud.

Off field: Houston fans, who only know what it's like to watch David Carr get sacked, fail to adjust to watching Matt Schwab get sacked.

Tennessee

On field: Vince Young succumbs to the Madden Jinx by losing resolution and becoming pixelated during a game.

Off field: Albert Haynesworth quits the team to pursue his new love, River Of Pain Dance. His one-man show in Vegas, where he stomps on the faces of prone celebrity imitators, becomes the hottest ticket in town.

AFC West

San Diego

On field: Shawn Merriman can't stay healthy and/or on the field due to his pharmaceutical commitment, and the secondary fails to develop, despite its high draft picks (I'm looking at you, Quentin Jammer).

Off field: Norv Turner, lacking confidence in starter Philip Rivers and back up Billy Volek, develops an inexplicable quarterback controversey by bringing in Gus Frerotte and Heath Shuler.

Denver

On field: Jay Cutler is praised repeatedly for his "game management" skills, telling the whole world that he's not a quarterback that could ever win on the road against a decent opponent.

Off field: Mike Shanahan's head finally explodes from the force of pure hate generated by tens of millions of fantasy football players over his constant dicking around with RB carries.

Kansas City

On field: After last year's crippling workload, Larry Johnson develops an uncomfortable resemblance to Earl Campbell -- today's Earl Campbell.

Off field: The team discovers, to its eternal shame and horror, that they actually traded to get Herm Edwards as their coach. GM Carl Peterson is driven to madness over the continual reminders of the mistake, and commits the NFL's version of seppaku -- being arrested while trying to order naked at a fast food drive-in.

Oakland

On field: The NFL rules that the Raiders have to play games against other NFL teams this year, destroying its hope to work their confidence back up by smacking around CFL teams for a while.

Off field: Al Davis kidnaps Jon Gruden, and through an elaborate procedure involving a bone from his late father, the hand of an underling, and Gruden's blood, achieves human form once again, dooming the Raiders to another ten years of spectacularly bad decisions.

Epic Drop: Don't Touch Vick's Stapler

Today's drop is here. I think we can all agree that with this kind of smile, he must be innocent.

A-Rod Is Worth More Than This

You are looking at the world's largest seizure of drug money -- $207 million in cash, in the form of dollars, pesos, and yen. More here.

I have no real point to this, but hey -- look it all that money. Woo.

Japan Is A Confusing Country

Dice-K appears to give a Philadelphia Eagles monster the smack down. And to think, as Reggie White said, these people are so gifted at making things small. (Hat tip, Six Pack Sports Report.)

Take a Sedative Bob

I love when politicians get involved with sports. It always ends in comedy. Currently, Senator Mitchell’s probe of baseball keeps me giggling. He’s been at it a year and finally just got one player to sit down with him and talk – off the record of course. And who could forget that side show of the hearings Congress put on with current and former players? You had Raffy Palmeiro openly lying that he never used steroids – read his lips, it’s all there. Mark McGwire was there but didn’t want to talk about the past. Apparently nobody told him that is what you do at hearings. And the best part. Sammy Sosa acting like this was the first time he was hearing English as he sat there with his interpreter and played the non-English speaking immigrant role.

Whenever politicians have anything to do with sports I get excited because you know some You Tube moments are about to follow. Which leads me to this. Did you see Sen. Robert Byrd’s speech last week basically condemning Michael Vick to the special places in hell? Since Sen. Byrd is from West Virginia, he probably would know where those special places are – hidden somewhere in his home state. Here’s what he had to say (taken from the Washington Post):

"It is a brutal, sadistic event motivated by barbarism of the worst sort and cruelty of the worst, worst, worst, sadistic kind," Byrd said in a 24-minute address on the matter. "One is left wondering: Who are the real animals? Who are the real animals, who are the real animals -- the creatures inside the ring or the creatures outside the ring?...

The Book of Proverbs in the Holy Bible, the King James Bible, tells us a righteous man regardeth the life of his beast but the tender mercies of the wicked are cruel," Byrd said. "The immortal Dante tells us the divine justice reserves special places in Hell for certain categories of sinners. Madam president, I am confident -- madam president, I am confident that the hottest places in Hell are reserved for the souls of sick and brutal people who hold God's creatures in such brutal and cruel contempt! I yield the floor."

Now I’m not defending what Michael Vick has been accused of (still innocent until proven guilty). I love dogs and hate to see any animal abused the way those dogs were. But for any politician, especially Senator Byrd to condemn someone for their actions like that is ridiculous. This is a man who is a former KKK member and recruiter, refused to serve in WWII because "I shall never fight in the armed forces with a Negro by my side", voted against the 1964 Civil Rights Act and as recently as 2001 used the N word. Oh yeah, he also was the only Democrat to vote to censure Bill Clinton, is against gay marriage or allowing homosexuals to serve in the military and opposes affirmative action. Maybe a hard look in the mirror would have done him some good before giving his supercilious speech.

Now this is a sports blog and should be contained to sports, not politics, and not about who is going to hell. But I must point out to Bob that he should stick to bigger issues at hand – the war in Iraq, the current housing problem, health care, social security reform and other important issues instead of wasting time and money on a speech that his own fellow Senators were not in attendance to hear. And in terms of Mr. Vick – get a good lawyer. It seems like you’re going to need one.

In A World... Where Moonlight Graham Wants To Kill You...

New movie slogan: If you build it, HE WILL KILL YOU.

Hat tip, Sons of Sam Malone.

Epic Drop Gets Political

Nation,

If you aren't clicking on the Epic Carnival links, you are missing out on your full daily requirement of Shooter Goodness. Today's gets political.

The Epic Link: MLB's Hottest Concession Workers

She reminds you of your mother in a dirty sort of way
-- Five Chinese Brothers, "She's A Waitress, and I'm In Love"

This post is dedicated to that band and song. Enjoy...

Top 10 Titles For Sergio Garcia's Upcoming Book

(AP) "To tell you the truth, I don't feel like I did anything wrong," said Garcia, who closed with a 73 and was 1 over in the (British Open) playoff (that he gagged up like a 14-year-old girl with low self-esteem, braces, and an overbite).

"I really didn't miss a shot in the playoff. I hit unbelievable putts. They just didn't go in . . . I should write a book on how not to miss a shot and not win a playoff."

10. Woe Is Me: L'il Sergio's Battle With Mean Old Reality

9. Belly Putting For Dummies

8. NOONAN!: What Happens When Tens Of Millions Of Americans Concentrate Their Hate

7. Sergio Garcia And The Deadly Waggles

6. Garcionomics: How Much Choking Cost Me In Endorsements

5. When Bad Things Happen To Irritating People

4. Sisterhood of the Traveling Chokes

3. Are You There, God? It's Me, Sergio

2. Chicken Soup for the Epic Failure's Soul

1. I Can Still Kick Jean Van Der Velde's Ass

On the plus side, he alredy knows how to deal with big people who hate him

Yes Nation, it's the Tim Donaghy / NBA Ref Fixing Games post. Let's get to it, shall we?

For a league that already had major issues from

1) SunsGate (we like to throw this out there to get out Spurs readers to angry up)

2) the NBA Finals that always feels like the fourth act of a three act play

3) a season where half of the Leastern Conference went in the tank (we like to throw this out there to get our Celtics readers to angry up)

4) a WWE-level screw job at the Draft that just coincidentally sent the top picks to teams that didn't tank (Your tears taste so good, Celtic fans)

5) a regular season that actively spit in the face of anyone trying to play fantasy sports...

Well, let's just say that a bookie-mad ref who JUST COINCIDENTALLY led the league in technical fouls called *really* isn't helping matters.

As always, it's not the initial scandal that throws you off the cliff -- it's the long-term damage to credibility. Historically, if you heard someone crying about the ref, you could commiserate over the bad luck, or just shrug and point to the scoreboard as the ultimate arbiter of good and less good.

Now, the sour grapes fan has a whole bag of additional conspiracy to go to... and the NBA bashing crowd, who are never lonely, get an unlimited source of ammo.

Just to make the regular readers of this blog do a spit-take, I'm going to be positive about this. Maybe this is just the crisis that the NBA really needs to get out of its comfortable funk. After all, global awareness continues to rise, television networks keep ponying up the big bucks for games, and while piss-poor NBA Finals ratings don't really make anyone happy, it's clearly not doing enough damage to make the powers that be do something sensible.

What's sensible? The immediate implementation of

1) Reseeding playoff teams to create a more satisfying playoff season

2) Greater quality control of referees, including direct and continuous monitoring of bank statements.

Yes, this is a serious violation of a person's privacy and not foolproof -- but we're talking the completely integrity of the league being at stake. Not keeping a better eye on these people is like running a casino without cameras.

3) Direct and obvious punitive measures against tanking teams.

You're telling me that Joe Smith signing an underhanded contract with the T-Wolves was worth the loss of five number one picks... but the Celtics intentionally trying to lose games in the second half of last season is kosher. Giving Seabass Telfair minutes at any time, to my eyes, is proof that the game is in the bag.

4) Direct and obvious punitive measures against tanking players.

You want to stop the phenomenon of the skilled veteran player with the guaranteed contract that forces a ruinous trade away from his current bad situation to a place with more sun, less taxes and a better chance of getting to the playoffs? Fine him. Suspend him. Dock his pay. Go to war with the union if you have to (trust me, after the lockout year, you're really not going to lose), but get the game back in the hands of organizations, not contractors.

5) Stop coddling China.

The Chinese Government and/or team doesn't want Yi to stiff it up in Milwaukee? Shut down satellite transmissions to the country. Let them take back Yao Ming if they must -- because they won't want to put the toothpaste back in that tube, and they'll cave on Yi, too.

Do all of this, and you still won't have a golden age of the NBA -- because Stern's devil's bargain with Jordan, and the Cult of One over the Cult of Teams that that age created, has never really stopped, and team sports don't work in the long term over being built on individual players. (This, by the way, is how I know David Beckham will do nothing to make US soccer much better. That, and the fact that unless you or your kid is playing it, you probably don't give a crap about it.)

But it will help stop the bleeding, and give people something else to talk about, other than the Black Sox parallels. Worse yet for the NBA, the league does not have a roaring economy and a Babe Ruth-esque player to bring it out of the mess. (No, not even Bassy Telfair.)

FTT Helps You Hide Your Shameful Secret

We know what you do.

Maybe you started reading them ten years ago, when you were young enough for it to be somewhat acceptable. Or perhaps you have young children, and have been reading the books to them at bedtime. Or maybe you're just a creepy guy who is really into children's literature.

Whatever the reason, it's a problem. How does a beer-swilling, sports-loving, red-blooded, all-American male read the new Harry Potter book in public without looking soft?

The Five Tool Ninja is here to help.

Here's the Problem -- My Voodoo Is Crap

All these years rooting for the Eagles, A's and Sixers, and it turns out I just don't have the magic.

My favorite part of the clip is the guy laughing, alone, at the end, as the camera people wonder if they're going to be able to get out of the house without being killed and mounted on the wall. I'm also convinced that the hex works much better in HD.

H/t, With Leather

The Epic Re-Run

Nation -- It's high time those EC people get familiar with FTT's back catalog. Today's update of upcoming sports entertainment shows is from January originally, and lightly updated to cover up the recycling. Besides, there aren't many things that I've written that make me giggle more than "Won't Anyone, For The Love Of God, Blow A Mathlete."

NFC Portents Of Doom

Thirty two teams wih a chance. 31 will drink from the chalice of defeat. When will you know it's your team's turn to partake of the bitterness? You could watch the games, or you could read this blog. Today, we'll look at the NFC, also known as the NBA's Eastern Conference, or MLB's National League.

NFC East

Philadelphia

On field: The day the team's most important offensive player gets hurt. That'd be Brian Westbrook.

Off field: When Andy Reid's kids go on a 3-state killing spree.

New York

On field: The game when Eli Manning has to steal them a road game, and doesn't.

Off field: When Michael Strahan can no longer fit both himself and his ego into the locker room at the same time.

Dallas

On field: When the Cowboys fail to cover a trick play kickoff lateral play, costing them a first-round playoff game in a particularly heartbreaking fashion.

Off field: When (not if) TO throws the team under the bus. As the scorpion said to the frog, you knew what I was before you gave me a ride.

Washington

On field: When Joe Gibbs flushes his QB (whoever it is) and tries to get someone new to learn a 400-page playbook. (If they ever go to the pamphlet "Give the ball to the running backs and no one gets hurt," they'd be dangerous.)

Off field: When Daniel Snyder spends tens of millions of dollars on talented players that other teams let get away, then can't understand why they don't gell in the new situation. Don't worry, Danny boy... Lucy won't pull away the football this year. She promised!

NFC North

Chicago

On field: When the vaunted defense gets exposed, as it does in the playoffs every year (see Smith, Steve, and Colts, Running Backs).

Off field: When Rex Grossman goes off on a long-form rant about how his coaching staff doesn't trust him, not realizing, of course, that anyone with a rooting interest in the Bears feels the same way.

Minnesota

On field: Third and long, after the opposing defense has put 9 in the box to stop the running game on first and second down.

Off field: When Tavaris Jackson, in an effort to bond with his teammates, books a boat cruise.

Green Bay

On field: The first game where an opposing RB goes for 150 yards. It won't be the last.

Off field: When someone in the organization notes that maybe, just maybe, they'd be better off without the most overrated quarterback in the league.

Detroit

On field: When the team's highly publicized core of wide receivers fail to stop the opposing team's offense.

Off field: The day Matt Millen was born.

NFC South

New Orleans

On field: Drew Brees or Deuce McAllister gets hurt, which will be the day when Reggie Bush's fantasy owners will be filled with (short-lived) joy.

Off field: When they become just another team, rather than America's Sentimental Favorites.

Carolina

On field: When it becomes apparent that between DeShaun Foster and DeAngelo Williams, they have DeOrdinary Running Backs.

Off field: When Jake Delhomme makes fans wonder what Kerry Collins is up to these days.

Tampa Bay

On field: When the defense finally withers into ordinary performance.

Off Field: When they discover that loading the roster up with good back up quarterback candidates is not actually a defensible strategy.

Atlanta

On Field: When Joey Harrington's name is announced.

Off Field: Too easy, folks, Too easy.

NFC West

Seattle

On Field: When Matt Hasselbeck tells the crowd that they want the ball, and they're going to win.

Off Fied: When Shaun Alexander still looks like he's on the cover of Madden.

St. Louis

On Field: When Marc Bulger gets hurt. Note, not if.

Off Field: When the defense still looks like Mike Martz is involved.

San Francisco

On Field: When Alex Smith fails to cover his guarantee.

Off Field: When someone decides that "Coach Hitler" is a nickname that needs to be revived.

Arizona

On Field: When the regular season starts.

Off Field: When Edge James can't get through the airport, due to that large fork in his ass setting off the metal detector...

Even More Highly Improbable Fantasy Football Team Names

Disney Princesses

Team Vanderjagt

When's Hockey Start?

Go Brodie Croyle!

No Starting RBs

John Mayer Rocks

The Nation of Elam

I'd Rather Be Sewing

Vick Defense Fund

Obey My Voki!

Testaverde Time

#1 Greys Anatomy Fan

Befuddling NBA Free Agent Signings

This post is in honor of the Phillies player with perhaps the best nickname ever in the history of the franchise, Pearce "What's The Use" Chiles. (Hat tip, Ron Schuler's Parlor Tricks, a fine blog for people who like old-time baseball criminals. I eat that stuff with a fork.)

Past NBA posts in this off-season have stressed the idea that NBA General Managers are captivated by brand name players -- to wit, that they'll overpay for a known quantity, rather than roll the dice with a younger, cheaper energy guy. Or that they'll just break the bank for role players, then wonder where the cap money went.

As a Sixers fan, we can just call these the Kevin Ollie All-Stars -- scrubs that no one would ever win with, without any real promise for the future... and yet they're getting contracts. Because in the NBA, Players Nine Through Twelve are all about getting along. Pearce Chiles will have more to do with whether these teams win or lose than these guys.

Here's the list that I'm sure will grow soon...

Bulls sign Joe Smith. I guess he's here to teach Ty Thomas and Joakim Noah. Funny, I thought that was the job of, um, coaches.

Mavs resign Devean George. 2000 was a long time ago, and he wasn't good then, either.

Denver signs Chucky Atkins. Because old point guards are kind of like old left-handed relievers in baseball -- you can be crappy for a long time before everyone finally gets wind and stop paying you.

Indy signs Kareem Rush. Well, sure. Devean George not being available and all.

Milwaukee signs Jake Voskuhl. Well, he'll give them more than Yi. Can they sign Jake Tsakalidis as well, so they can do the whole identical twin tag team and befuddle the refs? I'm still waiting for someone to get the Collins brothers back together and try this.

Phoenix signs Sean Marks. This one makes sense, actually -- it helps them corner that all important Australia / New Zealand fan base.

Utah signs Jason Hart. This hurts me, as a fellow 'Cuse man, but Jason my man... you are the new Rick Brunson. Rent, don't buy.

Yeah, Yeah. Now hit an iron.

Hat tip, With Leather. We agree, this needs to be done again.

Disturbingly Sexy Epic Drop

Click on over to see the Top 10 Justifications for Mike Vick's (Alleged) Actions. Along with our very flimsy rationale for using this little image.

Our Main Weapons Include Fear, Surprise, and Abject Stupidity

We realize, of course, that it's damn near required by law to discuss The Big Story in sports today -- the tragic but not terribly surprising downfall of a young black quarterback that looked so good, so little time ago.

We're talking, of course, about Daunte Culpepper, released by the Miami Dolphins, because they went out and got themselves Trent Green. Let that sink in for a little while -- they think so little of your talents that they bring in a guy that's positively ancient by NFL standards, with several years of decline despite always having an outstanding running game, who doesn't have nearly the same physical gifts nor draft pedigree...

Oh, you mean there was another QB Immolation yesterday, too?

Yes, the other paw finally dropped in the Mike Vick Cares More About Dog Fighting Than Wealth or Freedom case. A federal grand jury has indicted the southpaw QB (get it? Southpaw! I kill dogs!), asserting all manner of deeds that, once learned, can never be unlearned.

Even by modern athlete standards, Vick's self-inflicted flameout to his career staggers the mind. We're talking about a guy that was a video game come to life, a player who took a dome team into Green Bay and won a playoff game, and the greatest runner ever to play the quarterback position.

OK, he wasn't accurate or durable, and he probably was always better in video games or fantasy leagues... but to go from one of the five most marketable players in (perhaps) the world's most marketable sport to a guy looking at many *years* in the federal hole is just amazing. Don't discount the idea that he'll do time, either. Since Vick made the tactical mistake of not being in the Bush Administration, convictions may actually have consequences.

And for what, really? A taboo thrill. An indecent bloodlust. Combined with gambling. Beyond the sickness of it all, there's also rank stupidity. Do your weirdness in your '40s, no one would notice or care, and you'd probably have more money to buy your Island or Dr. Moreau anyway.

The Falcons, as soon as this freak show gets in their rear view mirror, are the prime candidates for the Nobody Expected This Good Year -- especially since Vick isn't actually a plus quarterback. Since this is football, they won't even take much of a cap hit from this.

And our final word on all this... did anyone have Mike as the Vick Brother to go to the Big House first? Because that bet had to pay off like a Chihuahua pulling off a win against a Doberman. (It's not the size of the dog in the fight, as they say.)

Update -- Turns out that if the Falcons trade or release him, it's $15 million against their cap. What a poison pill this is.

We Talk, You Listen

Yes, Nation, it's happened -- the people at Voki have named FTT their Voki of the Day. The image is a screen shot from their site. (It actually happened yesterday. We forgot to hit the Publish button and this stayed as a Draft for a day. Our joy in victory is slightly diminished.)

Greetings, by the way, to anyone from that site, but please be advised that your Voki is weak and worthless compared to ours. They've said as much with the award.

Now, play us out, boys...

Falcons Update

Yesterday afternoon the news media attempted to get the reaction of Atlanta Falcons fans to the indictment of Michael Vick. Unfortunately, neither of them were available for comment.

Stop Looking At Us Like That

Here's your morning Epic drop, in which we drop a little science, in the form of a Top 10 list, on Stuart Scott's ocular difficulties. It's all just a click away.

Site Bidness

Nation,

Two small bits of business to go through today.

First, welcome Dirty Davey to our roster of lightly posting miscreants. He's stationed in North Carolina, and will help to fill our crucial lack of coverage on college basketball, the NHL, NASCAR, pro wrestling and "Hee Haw." That is, if and when he decides to post, especially once he reads the filthy lies in the last sentence. He also hates Vokis, or at least, that's my story.

Second, on the chance in hell that you care or have noticed, there's been a slight slowdown in the amount of FTT verbiage coming from ol' Shooter; that's because I'm two-timing FTT with posts over at Epic Carnival, in a mad rush to try and expose myself to more people. Also, my professional life is actually becoming professional. Sad, isn't it? More here, when I can.

Again with the Epic-ness

Today's is all about Alonzo Mourning deciding to play one more year, despite the presence of guys from the glue factory hanging outside his locker all the time. It's a feel-good anthem.

Fantasy Football Team Names That Are Actually Cries For Help

Nothing But Giants

T.O. Fan Club

Meeting New Friends

18th Team This Year

Guys I Think Are OK

Tony Siragusa Cute

My Very First Team

AmericanFootballGood

WE ARE SO AWESOME

I Can't Stop Weeping

The Buffalo Bills

Brett Can Never Quit

Here 2 Impress Girls

Don't Tell My Wife

Chris Benoit Tribute

Someone Remind Him Not To Suck, Too

Kansas City third baseman Mark Teahen stopped a club-record streak of strikeouts on Sunday, failing to whiff for the first time in 23 games, according to The Kansas City Star.

"I heard something about it (Saturday), so I just decided to end it today. Had I known about it, I would have done it earlier," Teahen said.

Teahen leads the team in hitting but has struck out 83 times in 89 games while walking 39.

Teahen's owner in my fantasy league sent that to me, along with the fact that the guy hasn't gone deep since Memorial Day. Someone might want to remind him of that, too...

Highly Unlikely Fantasy Football Team Names

We Will Emo Rock You

The XFL Will Return

Cute Widdle Players

Nagurski's Eleven

Water Closet Lovers

Pinochle Draggers

Supper Or Fellatio

We Let The Dogs In

Deconstructionism

Katrina & The Waves

It's Very Epic: Top 10 Fantasy Football Intimidation Tactics

Nation -- The Super Blog has launched, and so have we. Check check check it out.

Psst... Roger Clemens Is Done.. Pass It On

Does FTT have it in us to piss on the Yankees on the day when they finally get back over the .500 mark, and cut the more and more vulnerable looking Red Sox lead to 9 games? Especially when they've got a 4-game series at home next against the very beatable Blue Jays? You bet your ass we do...

Lost in the hoopla (we're assuming there was hoopla) over scaling Mount .500 with a win over Edwin Jackson -- and good grief, has a promising prospect ever turned into more of a punching bag than this guy? -- is Friday's pounding of Roger Clemens, now 2-4 with a 4.20 ERA.

This is what someone named Josh Wilson, a .218 hitter on his third team, said on Friday after tripling against Clemens and ending his night:

"You can't say enough about that guy -- how good he is and what he's done in his career. This is something special, getting to face this guy. It could be the only time I get to face him. And to actually get a hit off him is pretty cool."

When they start talking about you as if you are already wearing your third or fourth retirement watch... and you only have 9 strikeouts in your last 21.1 innings... well, maybe it's time to accept that Saint Roger is not going to really earn that $22 million so much as collect it. The 7.56 ERA outside of Yankee Stadium is especially jarring.

That's not to say that he can't be effective -- two of his three starts this month, he's gone 8 and pitched very well at home, against the Twins and Angels. But it's worth watching that he's already thrown 45 innings this ear, and that his last few years in the AL, the ERA was 3.51, 4.35 and 3.91 -- and that was when he was still racking up nearly a strikeout an inning. More balls in play equals more chances to get hits, especially with the not-exactly-Golden defense the Bombers put up behind him.

Clemens is, at this point, the perfect pitcher for the Yankees -- overpriced, overrated, and .500. And I'm not expecting things to get much easier on him as the pitch count increases.

Truly Unbreakable MLB Records

As Roger Clemens staggers around 350 wins, and Tom Glavine continues his death march to 300 (298 was Saturday), there's been a fair amount of talk about the Death of the 300 Game Winner... as if something that's only been done by 22 pitchers in 120+ years of MLB records is something that ever was in full flower. FTT, in an admittedly unexpected lapse into real analysis, has five much more unbreakable marks.

> 300 Triples

Wahoo Sam Crawford's 309 leads this category, followed by his running mate Ty Cobb at 297. This might be the safest hitting record in baseball.

The top 50 in this category are all from the distant past. Your active leader in this category is the barely active Steve Finley, with 129, followed by the spry but ancient Kenny Lofton at 112. Among players who could still be considered on the front side of their career, Carl Crawford has 73.

Blame better outfield arms, saner outfield configurations, and the general fact that fast players now seem much more likely to encounter hamstring problems than back in Ye Olde Days.

> 1000 Steals, or 300 Caught Stealings

Rickey Henderson's 1406 steals and 335 caught stealings makes him The Greatest Of All Time (just ask him).

Another byproduct of the old days, with the top active players (Eric Young and Lofton again) barely even halfway to either mark, let alone Rickey. Even if we do have a resurgence of interest in the speed game, it's unlikely that anyone is going to be healthy long enough to get the bags, or keep the confidence in a post-sabermetric era to get thrown out that often.

> The .450 OBA

Ted Williams .482 OBA leads. Even Bonds, the modern OBA freak that stops all others, is padding along at a simple .442 pace. Todd Helton's Colorado-aided exploits are stuck at .431, followed by Big Hurt Thomas at .422.

OBA is valued now more than it's ever been, but the idea of getting on base 48% of the time for your whole damned career... and having many of the best years of that career eaten by military service... well, you can see why some people hold to the idea that Williams is the best player in MLB history with the bat in his hands.

> The .650 SLG

Babe Ruth's .690 SLG leads all. Bonds is best among actives at .607, followed by ManRam at .594.

The trouble with chasing a percentage mark is that you've got to be ahead of it before the decline years start; if you don't have some cushion or an artificial end to things, you'll never keep the record. Ruth's last four years in the Show prove this out: .661, .582., .537 and .431.

By the way, this is also a case where modern money don't help the record chasers. Ruth in 1935, even hitting .181 with the Boston Braves, was still a .790 OPS; far from the worst hitter in the league, and for all we know, he could have still had something in the tank, especially if he had cleaned up his act. If Ruth was around today, he'd have gotten plenty of more chances, and dollars, to keep chasing it.

> The .350 BA.

Ty Cobb's .367 leads. The only modern player in the top 15 is Tony Gwynn at .338, followed by Todd Helton at .332. Once again, the percentages are more than safe, but they just don't have the same oomph as the grand total categories.

The pitching categories, of course, are rife with hard records: from Cy Young having 161 more wins than Clemens to the growing fossilization of the complete game, the game is just different than what it used to be. A little known chase -- Nolan Ryan is the third-losingest pitcher in MLB history, with 292 losses to go with his 324 wins; he's only 24 behind Cy Young, in case he's feeling like an Anthony Young-ish comeback. But here's the one we're pretty sure is safe, even more than Cy Young's wins (after all, Cyber Clemens could definitely get there, especially after the robot limbs are put in for 2015 season).

> The Sub 2 ERA.

Ed Walsh leads all at 1.82 ERA, and I'm thinking that's going to be true until we're all long gone, unless someone from the Far East has a much nastier gyroball than Dice-K has shown so far.

Your active leader is Pedro at 2.81, and then Mad Dog Maddux at 3.10, fighting it out in a little-followed battle with Clemens at 3.11. Your top 57 guys in this category are all long gone, along with any vision of baseball were sub-2 ERAs for a career in pitching are possible.

Even Worse Fantasy Football Team Names

The Coach Hitlers

Ivy Leaguers Only

Less Talk Mo Clarett

The 46 Offense

The Cleveland Browns

Guys My Wife Likes

Chris Benoit Tactics

Al Davis Isn't Dead

North Coast Offense

PP Kifl
(Punt, Pass and Kickers I'd Like to...)

Top 10 Rejected Fat Head Spin-Off Products

10. Big Ass

9. Huge Nostrils

8. Oversized Feet

7. Distended Abs

6. Elongated Hips

5. Sore Lip

4. Hairy\Palm

3. Freakish Ear

2. Oversized Teeth

1. Even Fatter Head

(And if you don't know what we're talking about... we don't believe you, but play the video anyway. No 12-year-old boy with confused sexuality should be without one.)

Michael Wilbon Knows What It's Like To Be Objectified

In tonight's ESPN Who's Now PudPull, Michael Wilbon, in discussing Maria Sharapova, said that she doesn't want to be known just for sex appeal, and that "I think we can all understand that."

This is a recent picture of Michael Wilbon.

How, exactly, do "we" understand that, Michael?

We're Only In It For The Children

Mommy and Daddy are fighting again!

Yes, if it's Saturday, it must be another chapter in the book that only New York wants to read, Alex Rodriguez's Life In Newspapers.

The latest is that the third baseman and preseason FTT MVP candidate (you can, as they say, look it up -- though we'd like it if you ignore all of the other predictions) says he's going to opt out of his contract at the end of the year, and that he's going to Vegas for a weekend with his friends.

The Yanks said fine, that's great -- we'd like to extend you now. And also, my mother wants to visit. For a month.

A-Rod replied that he won't negotiate during the season, and that he wants to buy a motorcycle.

The Yankees countered with saying that if he's going to be that way, they won't negotiate with him in the off-season. And that if he doesn't start picking up his underwear, they're just going to throw it out.

Dishes, presumably, will be thrown next, after an exchange of idle threats.

Meanwhile, the Yankee fans are watching from this whole thing from upstairs. Should they be happy that the mean man who doesn't make Mommy happy will leave?

But if that happens, Mommy won't be able to stay in this house in the first division. And Daddy might go live with that tramp with the Boston accent right down the street. Mommy would never get over that.

Kids, FTT is here to tell you -- don't worry.

Mommy and Daddy are going to stay together.

That's because no one else can stand them.

Or you, really.

Now, stop crying and go to bed!

Top 10 Drawbacks of Wrigley Becoming the Official Chewing Gum of the NBA

Ed Note: On Wednesday, Wrigley became the official chewing gum of the NBA.

10) Ricky Davis is even less intelligible with a wad of gum in his mouth

9) Anderson Varejao thinks "Juicy Fruit" is his secret nickname

8) Grant Hill will get a paper cut from opening a pack and miss 40 games

7) Deceptively fresh breath will keep Adonal Foyle in the league for another year

6) PJ Carlessimo's triumphant comeback will be curtailed when he chokes on a wad

5) Shaq likes Bubble Yum instead, and when SHAQ GET MAD, SHAQ SMASH!

4) Introduces a potentially addicting habit to impressionable young NBA players

3) Double Mint Twins now have to get piercings, tatoos, chlamydia

2) Sticky gum residue on sneakers makes Red Auerbach roll over in his grave

1) Anything that's associated with the Cubs, even indirectly, can't be good

H/t, Crain's, as per Chicago Business.com.

New Jersey Transit: Where Bad Sports Fashion Choices Live

Seen, in the last week, on my commute...

1) A guy wearing a New York Hitmen hat.

Yes, the last man in America to wear XFL gear. Wonder if there's a sub-Saharan village that's decked out in San Francisco Demon gear?

2) Two very obese guys, in their late '30s, wearing Jose Reyes and David Wright Mets jerseys.

The slightly less rotund one, being the speedier or the two, had the Reyes gamer. I'm betting he plays shortstop on his softball team.

3) A borderline homeless guy wearing a STARBURY jersey.

I checked to be sure. Not actually Starbury.

Bad Fantasy Football Team Names

Ed. Note: As with the very popular Bad Fantasy Baseball Team Names, please note that all of these fit in the Yahoo! game's character limit.

They also work well for starting your own NFL-ish blog, though we have to tell you -- only truly idiotic people start sports blogs. Please use irresponsibly; more later.

Bad Touch Football

Using The Shotgun

Offensive Holding

Tom Landry's Corpse

Key West Raiders

Rae Carruth Fan Club

Frank No Train Lanes

Dick Butkus? Not Us

Dennis Miller Time

East Bay Packers

We Welcome Our Voki Overlords

Nation,

In case you've been wondering, the little animated avatar thing on the top right of the site, under the logo? It says things that we wrote if you click on the > button, and won't spawn an ad or nothing.

Now, some of you, the ones that hate America, are ad blocking this. Why? Because flashing or talking things offend your on some religious level, or something. Who can explain you, really? It's a wonder you're online, rather than yelling at those pesky kids to stay off your lawn.

Anyway, the weekly (or so) updates give you a brief recap of what's been on FTT in the last week, and additional Humor Content. It's just like reading, only faster and, well, not.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled timewaste.

I Dub Thee, Greg Oden

This was sent my way by the very good MacG. Combined with some mid-afternoon rap from Pandora, it has given me the definitive nickname for the #1 pick in the NBA Draft. (For the record, Oden says this picture was from back in high school, at a party. If so, high school has changed since I was young. A lot.)

Greg Oden, you are now and forever more known as ODB, the Ol' Dirty Bastard.

Now, will you all please join me...

ODB Ain't Nuttin' Ta Fuck Wit! ODB Ain't Nuttin' Ta Fuck Wit!

A Tale of Two Willaimses

Continuing the theme of the off-season where people can't piss on Milwaukee enough, Bucks guard and probable salary contract year hero Mo Williams is allegedly talking about going to the Heat for less money than the Bucks are willing to offer.

Some folks on the Internet are having a hard time figuring out why going to the Heat, where the old men already have their ring and the coach is old and cranky, would be attractive. The Heat are, let's face it, one long-term injury to D-Wade away from being bad enough to be relocated to the Atlantic Division.

These folks are, of course, missing a few points:

1) The Bucks aren't very good either

2) The Yi Era isn't going to be pretty

3) There is no state income tax in Florida, which helps alleviate the contract

4) The only people who would prefer to live in Milwaukee over Miami are... people who have probably lived in Milwaukee for their whole lives (and probably not all of them, either)

5) Miami's groupies are, how shall we say, in another league over Milwaukee.

Let us, shall we say, go to the tape.

Milwaukee's groupies...



Now, Miami.



Meanwhile in Miami, nominal starting PG Jason Williams is said to be nervous for his job. To which we can only say this -- don't sweat it, White Chocolate. Mo Williams isn't from Viet Nam.

And he doesn't have a Nike ad, either.



Update -- Mo Williams signs for 6 years and $52 million to stay with the Bucks. Guess that mid-level exemption in Miami -- which is to say, $5.3 million a year -- was too far from the number he could get in in the Great White North.

$30 Million to Reject a Franchise

The Portland Trail Blazers are about to give Steve Francis $30 million dollars to stay the hell away from their team.

This is my favorite new trend in NBA contracts: the buyout of the overrated veteran who might become a locker room cancer. May we all find opportunities in life to be so abundant.

Stevie Franchise (by the way, did we ever nail down which franchise that was? I'm thinking a White Castle near the bus terminal) may have been a bit of a monster for some fantasy teams in his All Star years, but even on his best day and behavior, was never a guy that was going deep into the playoffs. On his worst day, and he's been having a lot of those recently, he's a would-be coach killer who is either injury-prone or a malingerer.

There's only two kinds of reactions that you can have to the buyout, if you are Francis; anger at being dissed translating into a good year (aka, Chris Webber in Detroit), or whooping it up like a soon-to-be-broke lottery winner (Jalen "Max" Rose, come on down!).

Seeing as Stevie is said to be angling for a Clipper reunion with Cut Mobley (another guy who won't be going deep into the post-season, and that's assuming good behavior), I think we all know what path he's choosing. Let the good times roll!

If the Clips sign Franchise, he'll hog the ball and get his numbers on the offensive end while getting eaten alive by the West's really good point guards (Parker, Williams, Paul, Davis, Nash). Meanwhile, clueless Clip fans will get totally fooled, because he'll have numbers, and he's got to be better than the ancient Sam Cassells and the infirm Shaun Livingstone.

Next (perpetual?) stop: the 10 seed in the West. And speaking of the Clips, has anyone else noticed that Elton Brand is starting to look and sound a lot like Boxer from Orwell's Animal Farm?



(Click through to see the finest animated film ever bought and paid for by the CIA, which is up in its entirety on YouTube. 90+ minutes or so.)

More exciting than Home Run Derby

Ladies and gentlemen, we are proud to present the next craze in dubious sport. As well as the only place where you'll see morbidly obese people referred to as "jockeys."



Enjoy it now, before gambling, the World Wide Lemur and big money free agents ruin it...

The Doug Christie Memorial List: Top 10 Jerseys That Could Be An Ironic Gift

10. JD Drew

9. Barry Bonds

8. Stephon Marbury

7. Brett Favre

6. Terrell Owens

5. Dirk Nowitzki

4. Barry Zito

3. Kobe Bryant

2. Eli Manning

and the number one pick, to the point of making the rest of the list meaningless...

1. Brady Quinn



H/T, Deadspin.

Today's Nelson Muntz Moments

> Victor Zambrano, once traded to New York for Scott Kazmir, cut by the Toronto Blue Jays. He was 0-2 with a 10.97 ERA.

Zambrano's Met career: 8-14, with an ERA well over 6.

> Today's Yi Jianlian Update: 3 points and 5 turnovers on 0/6 FG shooting. His Team China team lost by 23 in summer league action to the Knick irregulars.

That sound you just heard was Bucks Fan smacking himself. Hard.

> Albert Pujols is bent that he rode pine for the entire All Star Game.

Consider that payback for the April that buried everyone who took you with the first pick in their fantasy draft, Albert. (Including, of course, me.)

Now, can you Angry Roid up and hit some freaking homers in the second half?

Welcome to the slowest sports day of the year

Somebody get me a beer, and a Hank Williams Sr. record.

The NL Is Not Very Good

With the 5-4 win tonight, it's now 10 in a row for the American League.

Just to give you an idea of how long it's been since the National League won an All-Star Game, consider the following. The last time the NL won:

The game was played at Veterans Stadium.

Michael Jordan was a Chicago Bull.

Timothy McVeigh was on trial.

HD had just been introduced.

Brett Favre was the best QB in football, and the Packers were the best team.

Apple was financially troubled.

Diana, Princess of Wales, was alive.

Google did not exist.

Neither did blogs.

Top Ten Unanswered Questions About the Antoine Walker Robbery

Ed. Note: Miami Heat forward Antoine Walker was robbed at gunpoint in his Chicago home on Monday.

Since he's OK and no one was hurt, and this did not happen to us, here's a tasteless list....

1) Did any of the robbers look like Nazr Mohammed?

2) After stealing money from the Heat last year, did Antoine feel the experience was in any way ironic?

3) Which of 'Toine's donuts did the robbers enjoy most?

4) Why didn't the robbers go after a starting player?

5) Did 'Toine call up Paul Pierce afterward, and did Pierce remind him about that whole stabbing thing?

6) Who is 'Toine planning to rob in return?

7) The robbery happened at night. Why was 'Toine at home?

8) Will this get him sympathy calls from the refs next year?

9) Does this make him regret not playing in the summer league?

10) Is Pat Riley *really* relieved that 'Toine is OK?

(Bonus, stolen from an ESPN commenter -- How did 'Toine keep the robber from getting a shot off?)

Blog Me Two Times, Baby

Nation,

I've been invited to join a superblog (that's like a blog, but super) called Fun House Rejects. The ringleader over there is DC Scrap, and I'm proud to be his little dancing monkey. It was either that, or drive the damn car. And nothing stinks more than a contorted clown.

Anyway, when I've thrown something new over at FHR, you'll see a link to it here on FTT.

(Ed. Note: Site's still private at this point, so here's the post. Anyway, y'all get the gist now.)

Top 10 Reasons God Has Forsaken Kurt Warner

Greetings, sports clown enthusiasts. I'll be the dancing monkey at this little freakfest. Oh, and Hat Tip to the Sports Hernia for the image.

10) Bill Bidwell radiates an aura that prayer can not escape

9) One word: Brenda

8) Once Kurt got older than Jesus, he just stopped being cute

7) Just can't take the fumbling

6) Has to balance out the prayers of millions of gamblers, too

5) Once you work for Tom Coughlin, grace takes a vacation

4) Thought he could have put more effort into his book

3) Still bent over the loss of NFL Europe

2) Enjoys favoring the Niners, just to mess with he fundamentalists

and the number one reason...

1) The Arizona Cardinals are Job's team

* * * * *

Finally, rest assured that this is all still part of the great plan to Conquer Antarctica. The penguins are doomed.

The Internet Is Wonderful

For all of us who can't get through the other 364 days of the year when Chris Berman isn't barking like a seal. (A San Franciscan seal. One that's in Half Moon Bay, Stimson Beach, or maybe even Sausalito!)

H/t, Fanhouse.

Making It Better: Next Year's All Star Game Festivities

FTT knows that all of you people, at least the ones who aren't searching for Paris Hilton photos or a free iPhone, think we're just all day haters. You'd guess that the all-day pudpull that is the MLB Home Run Derby is just going to angry up our Old Man Blood.

Nothing could be farther from the truth (or, for that matter, The Truth). It's simple -- we kid because we love. So here's some activities that can give next year's event a little zazz.

1) Home Run Derby

A downer this year, due to the shadows, pitcher's park, lack of roids, and lack of roid users. Chris Berman was so depressed calling those blasts, he only peed himself a little.

Next year, let's make MLB relate better to all the kids out there, and make it tee ball. Then, improve the democracy of the people catching the home run balls by going to an aluminum bat, so that it's not just people in the front rows catching the shots.

Now, we know what you're saying -- that much advantage to the hitter makes a mockery of the Derby, and could lead to injuries from the balls hitting the stands at 200 miles an hour. Well, we've got a solution for that, too -- switch to racquetballs. I've been hit by those at full speed in the back of the head and went on to win the point, so I'm pretty sure that any fans will survive the impact. And just imagine how excited Berman will get for that!

2) Wall Ball

When I was a kid, the big baseball-like game we played (when we weren't playing, well, baseball) was called Wall Ball or Suicide.

The rules were simple. You threw a ball against a wall, and the other players had to field it cleanly. If they muffed it, you could pick up the ball and try to break your friend's ass in two with it. They could clear themselves by running to the wall and screaming (sometimes, depending on what kind of ball you were using, with real terror) "Wall Ball!"

You also got to peg the thrower if you caught the ball off the wall on the fly. The target could, of course, take evasive action.

Imagine the excitement when real major leaguers -- especially in an inter-division match-up -- have the chance to take out their opponents.

Plus, it gives ESPN another chance to hype a Red Sox vs. Yankee moment. Can Julio Lugo finally be of some use to the Sox and put Derek Jeter on the disabled list? Will Manny Ramirez be able to learn how the game is played before Hideki Matsui ruins what's left of his brain? You've got to tune in to find out!

3) Outfielder Off

The game's best centerfieders are positioned on a spot in the outfield, and balls are shot into the first row of the stands from a precision slingshot system (you know, like the ones they use to distribute T-shirts). Berman's call here doesn't have to change much ("He brought that back back back back back back back back!"), which is good, because we don't want to stress the poor man.

Torii Hunter vs. Gary Matthews Jr. -- who can bring more back? We need to know!

4) HBP Derby

Why let the power hitters have all the fun? In this short but painful contest, leadoff hitters and general irritants compete to see who can collect the most hit by pitches. Contestants will be judged on form, the quality of their pain acting, and their ability to glare at the BP coach in a menacing manner.

The Berman commentary here will be outstanding, and we'll also have a contest that will ensure Craig Biggio's participation for decades to come. "Down goes Utley! Down goes Utley!" You'll be forcing a smile over that one for seconds at a time!

5) Tarp Rolling

Inspired by the Phillies' epic good karma moment (see clip below), we're adding a final event for teams that are ready to show their all-weather stripes. Contestants will be judged on speed, accuracy, and artistic flair. Special guest judge Vince Coleman will preside.



Add these events, and we're certain that the pre-All Star Game festivities will be so exciting, fans will clutch themselves with anticipation. And after the players get used to them, maybe we can sweeten the pot by giving more home games to the winning league in the World Series. It's all for the integrity of the game.

The Scary Thing Is... He'd Help

Here is how far my NBA team -- your Philadelphia 76ers -- has fallen: when I read that they are in the Darko Sweep Stakes, I was actually intrigued. (The rumors on the Interweb thing say they're fighting the Warriors for him, which makes sense. Darko is the closest thing the league has to Shawn Bradley right now, and we all know that Nellie can't live without intriguing big men who will get owned in a tough playoff series.)

Yes, a career punchline, a man who pulled out a hard 8 and 5 in his big contract year, a guy who is going to go down in history as the Sam Bowie that couldn't play... and he'd actually help my team.

How? Because when your starting PF is from the closed set of Steven Hunter, Joe Smith, Alan Henderson and Shavlik Randolph, and your center is the wildly erratic Sad Sam Dalembert... well, Darko *is* just 20, and he's shown the ability to block shots, and, um, he's got to better than Shavlik Randolph...

Sixers Fever! Catch it, and then get it treated. Quickly.

Update -- Darko signs with the Grizzlies (wtf?) for 3 years and $21 million. That's almost a bargain, really -- no long-term commitment, borderline lottery pick salary. He'll be their starting center, one would presume, until the team decides to give Stro Swift his 400th chance to win the job. Provided they keep the tempo up, he could even be ownable in a roto draft (and, of course, wildly overvalued).

This is also one more moment where casual NBA fans can bemoan the competitive balance problem in the West... err, not.

Top 10 Signs That You Are Becoming a Very Old Baseball Fan

1) You find yourself watching the Legends Game, and recognizing all of the players

2) You remember the "right is wrong" mnemoic for athletes wearing ear rings

3) You actually care about who makes the Hall of Fame

4) You've been in more stadiums that have closed than have opened

5) You can name a half dozen father and son sets of players that you've seen

6) You have received coffee table books in a non-ironic fashion

7) You've been to Cooperstown -- on more than one occasion

8) You wonder how you can make your lawn more like the one at the park

9) You can afford beer at the game, but it takes forever to get drunk

10) When you look at women at the game, they're old enough to be your... younger relative

Bonus -- When you know the names of batting coaches from their past lives as not good hitters. (Arizona signed Rick Schu -- yes, Phillies fans, that Rick Schu -- to be theirs. He'll teach them how to not hit at all like Mike Schmidt. H/T to the California Mookie.)

The Art of the Trade

Every fantasy league has one. The one guy who is constantly looking for a trade. And not just any trade. The lopsided, ridiculous trade offer that you don’t even consider. He usually ends up flipping the majority of his roster twice during the season. He’s the guy that offers you Duncan and Hennessey for Pujols. “Hey, AP’s numbers are down. Duncan is raking and has 1B eligibility. Hennessey is closing for the Giants now too.” No matter how many times you tell him no, he’ll 1)respond that you don’t look at the numbers enough; 2)Resend you similar offers of other bums for the same stud you have; or 3)find some other sucker to trade with. He always gets his man.

I play in the same baseball, basketball and football leagues each year. By same, I mean we have about an 80-90% return rate. So you get to know the guys in each league. And in all three of these leagues is the guy who beats you down for trades. Our trade aficionado – let’s call him the Professor - spends most of his time trolling for trades. He used to drive me crazy with the offers and responses to rejections. His constant crap offers, over and over and over. But then it hit me. This guy is a genius.

In college we all had one buddy that would hit on anything. The thought was eventually someone would say yes. His thinking was you had to throw out a lot of lines to see what stuck. And amazingly, this guy ended up scoring some quality women. It wasn’t just the pure quantity of attempts, but he got his rap down after doing it so many times. The Professor in many ways is like this. He’ll try with the hot girls first (the league veterans) and try to rip out a stud. A couple of years ago I traded Bosh (right before his break out year) for Steve Francis. Ouch. His smooth double talk convinced me. If he can’t score there, he moves on to the rookies. Kind of like closing time at the bars in college – the pick up artist moves in for the wounded gazelles.

I’ve come to admire the Professor’s drive and determination. Say what you will about his offers, but he is consistently in the playoffs of all three leagues. I’m here to say do not disparage this man any longer. Let us celebrate his Troy Tulowitzki and Kevin Gregg offer for Carlos Beltran. Let us embrace his excel spreadsheets with hard data on why you should take that trade. Let us revel in his reply to your rejection of the trade when he gives you the reasons why you are lacking stats in certain categories. This is free, excellent advice and insights that we are so quick to ignore. How blind we have become.

So today I say to the Professor, thank you. Thank you for showing the rest of us how to not sit on our hands. Thank you for your willingness to accept the rejection and disparaging remarks. Thank you for playing the game your way and accepting no alternatives. I respect your resolve. Now how about I trade you Dustin Pedroia and Marcus Giles for Matt Holiday?

Worst Snapple Fact Ever

From my cap this morning:

"Panama is the only place in the world where you can see the sun rise in the Atlantic, and set in the Pacific."

Tierra del Fuego, bitches.

Who's up for a class action lawsuit?

Top 10 Rejected ESPN Sportscenter Marketing Tie-Ins

10) The Preparation H Shrinking Trends

9) Milwaukee's Best Stone Face

8) Levitra Growing Developments

7) Coors Light Weak Pale Moments

6) iPhone Bad Touch Screens

5) Viagra Batting Streaks

4) Axe Body Spray Blown Calls

3) Transformers Troubles With Trannies

2) Budweiser's Man and Criminal Law

1) Die Hard Replay Challenge

Can Competitive Masturbation Be Far Behind?

Tonight in your sports round-up...

> A made-up pudpull (the ESPN Who's Now)

> Coverage of which celebrities are doing well in the World Series of Poker (can this, please, end any idea tha what they are doing is a sport?)

> The guy that always wins Wimbledon... won Wimbledon

> Formula 1 racers get into a shoving match, where the dad of one of ther drivers intervene (given that the driver are jockey-sized, makes sense to me)

> An Australian won the first stage of the Tour de France (hey, maybe their drugs are now up to world-class standards)

> Actual Arena League results

Yes, folks, we are officially Out of Sports. The next half-week won't be pretty. When does NFL Training camps open again?

Five Fairly Obvious MLB Points

1) Boston is the only team in baseball that should definitely make it into the post-season.

With a 10 game lead over two teams (the Yankees and Blue Jays) that are over .500, even a weekend sweep at the hands of the Tigers is hardly enough to dim the prospects of the Beantowners.

That means that the last 3 months of the season should be all about making sure that the bullpen is right -- no burning out Papelbon and Okajima for games they don't need -- and trying to get the disappointing ManRam back on track (his .851 OPS would be the lowest of his career). They also need to make sure Mike Lowell doesn't get burned out, and that Kevin Youkilis gets back to full health. But in terms of problems in the AL East, this is the only team that doesn't look like a basket case right now.

2) The best division in baseball is the AL Central.

Detroit and Cleveland are both flirting with .600 baseball, the Twins are above .500 and possess the best second-half pitcher in baseball (take a look at Johan Santana's splits -- he's freaky in the later months), the ChiSox can't be as bad as they've shown so far, and even the Royals are avoiding the 100-loss pace that has been their usual pace. Short of an injury run or unforeseen meltdown, this is where the wild card should come from.

3) For the first time this century, the A's are toast.

After yet another injury to Rich Harden, the team dropped the last series before the break to those continually surprising Seattle Mariners. That drops them to 44-44, 9 out of the division, 8 out of the wild card. Blame the offense, which at 380 runs scored, only outpaces the White Sox. Bring on the kids!

4) The Phillies are just a game away from 10,000 losses.

No pro sports team has lost more -- no, not even the Cubbies. And people wonder why the locals are ornery.

But the team did manage to make it to the break at .500, and earn some outstanding karma, by scrambling on to the field in Colorado and helping the ground's crew.

5) The NL is its usual orgy of mediocrity.

Only the Nats and Reds are more than 10 games out of the wild card, and no team goes too far above .550. From looking at the teams, I'd wager that the Mets, Brewers, Padres and Dodgers are your final four... but there isn't any of these teams is more than a series sweep away from looking very vulnerable.

Christmas in July: Testy to the Knicks?

There's only one thing standing between the Knicks and immortality: David Lee. The 6'-9" forward from Florida is far too team oriented, sane and productive to fit into a starting 5 of Starbury, Q, Zeke Randolph and Eddy Curry. He's got to go...

and there would be no better place for him than Sacramento for the world's worst famous athlete dog owner not named Michael Vick. Suddenly Starbury, a man who has hinted about incest in a crack-tastic interview that's all the rage on YouTube, is actually one of the saner guys on the floor.

Plus, there is also this... The Tru Warier isn't all that, you know, good. Coming into his ninth year as a pro, he's a 44% shooter (36% from 3, and he takes a lot of them) and below average rebounder (6.5 per game last year in 37+ minutes -- compare that to Lee's 10.4 in just under 30). Considering the minutes, just under 19 points a game isn't that great. Sure, he's a lockdown defender, but it's not like Lee's terrible in either category, and frankly, I don't think Testy's defense has been up to his rep for years now. He's just too big to cover the quick guys anymore.

Now, let's look at what's *off* the court. Lee's contract? Just under $1 million a year, though that's going to go up soon, of course. Testy? $7.5 million, which would be a lot higher if he weren't, you know, completely batshit insane. Plus, there's also the fact that Ron Artest is, you know, Ron Artest. A player who utterly destroyed a franchise that was on the rise, is capable of any level of incident... you think he's going to be SANE in New York City? His freaking hometown? The last team he's ever likely to play for in the NBA?

If I were the Kings, I could not do this deal fast enough. I'd even take Jerome James or Malik Rose, both of whom have contracts that border on criminal. In one fell swoop, I make my team more competitive, less combustible, and probably more marketable in the Sacto cowtown, where Testy's act can't be wearing too well.

If I'm the Knicks, I'm doing this deal, because I'm out of my mind and only make moves based on talent, not chemistry.

Santa Isiah, make everyone's day brighter. Make your season ticket holder base shake with anticipation, curiosity and terror. Make the circus come alive for 82 games a year. Make the NYPD put in a new code for Knick-related incidents.

FREE TESTY!

Obsolete NBA Free Agent Reactions

> Bulls GM John Paxson vowed to match any free agent offer for Andres Nocioni, and then paid him $38 million for 5 years.

Independent of the merits of Nocioni, this, frankly, is part of what gets NBA teams into such terrible trouble on contracts -- the idea that if you don't spent what the market demands for your free agent, you're less than manly or letting the team down.

(As for Andres himself, he looks like the rich man's Victor "Bag of" Khryapa, or the poor man's Luol Deng. It amazes me how many similar player the Bulls stockpile -- it's like they're cloning people.)

Here's a thought -- figure out what the guy is actually worth, percentage-wise, to your team. Then, figure out what happens to your situation if/when you overpay him in a game of who has the bigger nuts.

Frankly, we're thinking that in a year or two, after Ty Thomas emerges as the much less regrettable option in the Noah/Wallace/Thomas logjam for energy defender, and Thabo Sefolosha pulls away in the Duhon/Gordon/Hinrich race of which guard can give up more points than he generates, that Paxson is really going to be wishing he hasn't shelled out so much for Andres.

> Grant Hill signs with the Suns.

Because what Phoenix was clearly missing in that Spurs loss was what... Grant Hill could give them?

Look, I *like* Hill -- 29 surgeries and all, he can play, and he makes his teammates better. And I suppose that, for the salary they got him for, it's fine.

But what does he do that Boris Diaw doesn't do, other than get hurt and be older? How does he help you when Stoudamire and Thomas, the weak points on your team defense and health-wise, break down? Isn't this just the second chapter of the Jalen Rose book that no one wanted to read?

> Jerry Stackhouse signs a 3-year deal to stay with the Mavs.

It's got to be hard to think about leaving the Cube Zone -- the creature comforts, hot and cold running coaches, limited minutes and your summers are more or less free. What's less sensible is why the Mavs were ready to for another three years of a 32-year-old guy and career 41% shooter. (OK, yes, he gets to the line, and last year was better, but 43% isn't exactly write home material.)

However, props to Stack for not moving on to team #5 in a career that was starting to resemble Jalen Rose for a while there. (What can we say, we're soft on Jalen.) The Mavs need to blow that team up something fierce, but at least it looks like Stack will be among the survivors.

> "Sonics' overhaul peaks with Carlesimo hiring" reads the AP headline. Shouldn't we change peaks to ends? This retread gets a lot of love among the white media that covers the NBA for getting the Spree Necklace, but what no one ever mentions is that Latrell's little act of attempted coachicide made PJ famous... famous enough to get another job as a retread. Not exactly the ramp-up situation that Kevin Durant needed here.

> The Pistons resigned Chauncey Billups to a 5 year, $60 million contract, because 31-year-old point guards that get taken apart by rookies in conference finals are clearly worth a long-term commitment.

Once again, we like Chaunce; he's a top 10 PG, and he seemed trustworthy right up until Game 3 of the Cavs series. But we're befuddled by the attraction that NBA GMs have to name brands. And in the big news...

> Orlando signed Rashard Lewis to a max deal (speaking of a guy with an instantly bad contract), which means... THEY ARE OUT OF THE DARKO RACE. Who will step up and get the guy who will never, no matter what people think, be a tenth of the player that Chris Bosh is, but will likely always get ten times the publicity?

This is one of those moments where you learn more about the team... because we're certain that Darko can be an NBA player with the right coach or team, just as we're certain that he's 2 years from being out of the league if the wrong team gets him. (Basically, what is Darko if not Andres Biedrins with better hands?)

For the sake of the legend's millions of ironic fans, here's hoping he chooses well. I'm rooting for him to come back and torture Joe Dumars some more. That's always fun.

How Well Do You Know Kobe? Take This Quiz!

Fancy yourself a Kobeologist? Take this quick and easy quiz and find out. We'll give you the quote, you pick the meaning. The winner gets the rights to Smush Parker!

1. "I just felt like as a man, it was important for me to tell him, `I'm sorry it came out that way."

Is it:

(a) An apology to Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak for his loon-like off-season behavior

(b) A recitation of what he said, post rectus coitus, to that girl in Colorado

(c) A "Jules in Pulp Fiction"-esque recitation before murdering Vlad Radmanovic

(d) A recitation of what he said, post rectus coitus, to Jerry Buss

2. "I haven't thought about that in a long, long time. I've kind of stepped away from that."

Here, Kobe is talking about:

(a) sodomy

(b) sodomy

(c) sodomy

(d) getting traded to a place where there might be more chances for sodomy

3. "What I say is what I say."

The thought behind the thought is...

(a) If you need me, I'll be in the woodshed making little shoes.

(b) I'm off my meds.

(c) Aunt Flo has come to town? That don't affect my drive to the hole.

(d) Me and Starbury are *tight*. I'd love to play for the Knicks. We'd get shiny stuff.

4. "We'll just have to see where it goes."

This inescapable truth points to:

(a) I'm still not sure I'm doing this sodomy thing quite right.

(b) Kobe is Just Pawn in Game of Life.

(c) That Zen stuff that Coach Philip says will fuck your mind up, man.

(d) Javaris Crittendon can go play with Andrew Bynum at the goddamn Chuck E Cheese.

5. "I've concentrated on Team USA."

A patriotic burst that really means:

(a) Dammit, there are jerseys to be sold!

(b) I hates me some foreigners.

(c) I want to see if I can say this with a straight face. Don't.... laugh....

(d) I really hates me some foreigners. Hates 'em good.

6. "I was frustrated, I was venting."

Indubitably, but also this:

(a) Aunt Flo really is in town? Damn, that bitch comes around too often.

(b) Why won't Buss return my calls?

(c) I haven't had any in, like, HOURS. The Mamba must be fed.

(d) What else do I have to do to get East?

Three Small Points for the World Wide Lemur

Ed. Note: I probably should give SportsCenter a rest soon. Very soon.

1) Watching your braying jackasses argue with fake passion about the Who's Now pudpull undermines the credibility of your other braying jackass debates.

2) Stuart Scott should be allowed to dress like a male every few days, just to keep us guessing.

3) Jimmy Kimmel isn't nearly as funny as you, or he, thinks he is.

Your MLB Knee Jerk Reactions

> Boston's Hideki Okajima wins the fan balloting for the last AL All-Star spot.

What are the odds that the Red Sox guy would win a popularity contest? Shocking.

> The All-Star Injury Dance Begins

Bonds, A-Rod, Smoltz... because, let's face it, it's a heck of a lot nicer to be named to the team than to actually play.

> ChiSox finally score, win.

Of course. I had the pitcher who faced them tonight.

> Tigers crush Indians.

Of course. I had a bet on the Tribe.

> Josh Beckett wins his 12th.

Finally, the Mentoring Effect of Bloggy McBloggermouth can really be seen.

> The Mets break a losing streak in Houston.

The Astros are a pale version of the Giants - instead of Bonds chasing the record, you had Biggio chasing 3,000 hits. Both teams are old, bad, and saddled with a bad bullpen. But at least the 'Stros aren't on the hook for $20+ million of Roger Clemens.

> The Pirates beat the Brewers again.

And this is why the 4 games under .500 Cardinals, with a starting rotation where Mike Maroth is an upgrade, think they've got a chance. (They also lost Bill Hall tonight.)

> Brad Penny has a blister issue, then got blistered.

13 baserunners and 6 earned runs in his first four innings tonight. On the other hand, he did have 3 RBIs. Bet the AL to win the All-Star Game.

> Bobby Crosy, after being buried in FTT, hit a go-ahead home run today against the Mariners.

Keep making us look bad, Bobby. We'll hate you to Cooperstown. For the good of the team.

Stephon Marbury Can Not Teach All The Children

It's impossible! (Hat tip, Deadspin and SLAMOnline.)



Make sure you stay tuned long enough to hear him talk about what sounds exceptionally like incest. My flabber is gasted.

I Hate My Favorite Baseball Team

Those would be the Oakland A's, the only baseball team that I've ever been a season ticket holder. Some of the best times in my life were either spent at the park or just listening on the radio to the sublime Bill King. I've read "Moneyball" and posted to A's blogs and even been to A's fan group outings... so how has it come to this?

I still want them to win, will watch them when they are on, look to their box score first, and wear the merch, Billy Beane remains the only GM or owner in any sport that I'd piss on if he were on fire.

I just can't stand watching them.

Why? Because this year's Oakland A's team not only isn't winning that much -- at 43-41, they are 8 games out of the division and 6 games out of the wild card -- but they've also committed the cardinal sin of being no fun to watch. By valuing the subtle things that win ball games and can be found on the open market relatively cheaply, they've managed to drain the lifeblood out of the ways in which baseball can appeal on a visceral level.

Like watching a ball shoot into the gap and seeing if the hitter can go for three? The A's aren't the team for you. Despite playing half of their games in a park with funky angles and an outfield that, during football season, sends balls to the wall faster than an airport tarmac, they rank 26th in MLB in baseball's most exciting hit.

How about when your pitcher rears back with a 2-strike count and blows the hitter away with heat? Not so much with these A's, who despite the AL's best ERA, rank just 23rd in MLB in strikeouts. Blame the perpetually injured Rich Harden, the biggest tease to hit Oakland since Todd van Poppel.

Does watching young players emerge from obscurity wet your whistle? It does for me, which is why those A's teams from earlier in the decade where such a kick in the pants... and why this team is such a collection of blah.

This era gives you the failed promise of guys like Harden and Bobby Crosby. Crosby's excuse is frequent injuries, but at some point, you have to accept that hitting like Jose Hernandez is not acceptable, no matter what your excuse is.

You can also take a good whiff of Eric Chavez, who used to bear a passing resemblance to a Hall of Fame third baseman, and now looks more like a platoon player. Chavy now holds the dubious distinction of being the active player with the most home runs who has never made it to an All-Star Game, and his current .250 BA isn't going to get him an at-large invite this year, either.

I won't even get into the certifiably bad guys on the roster -- not many, because Beane is smart enough not to give knuckleheads the fuel they need to hijack a clubhouse, but still. Esteban Loiaza and his DUI is not much fun to root for, even when he isn't hurt. Arthur Rhodes and Mark Redman were such asshats, the team had to take on the ruinous contract of Jason Kendall, who is in the last year of a contract that's so bad, he should be in the NBA. ($10 million for a catcher with a breathtaking .540 OPS, which is the lowest in MLB among players with enough at-bats to measure. Tasty.)

Mind you, these A's *do* have their fun moments. Jack Cust gives hope to every beer leaguer. Dan Haren haunts the dreams of Cardinals fans who are paying for the broken-down years of Mark Mulder. Travis Buck has half of the team's triples, looks very good for his age and made Milton DL Bradley go away. Daric Barton is tearing up AAA and could be Pujolsian one day soon. Let's make it soon.

If they ever got back the myriad number of injured players, especially in the bullpen -- where the team has somehow patched together outs due mainly to the joy of being rested from the quality starting staff -- they could go on one of their traditional July/August runs that saves the year.

But for now, the team just looks like Mark Kotsay to me... a textbook defensively, means well, nice guy, tries hard, with occasional moments of power, gets the most out of his abilities... and a .622 OPS. And he ain't getting any better.

I'd rather watch Kurt Suzuki than Jason Kendall. I want to see Daric Barton now, not when the season's decided, even if that means the outfield becomes a defensive nightmare. I'd rather watch some minor-league kid than Crosby (another .622 OPS). And I can't be the only A's fan that feels this way. Let's move on to people with a future, because the present is making me feel like this guy.


Stadium Watches Kid Pass Out At Game - Watch more free videos

And the season is too long for that.

Pissing Off Euros

As part of our mandate (his name is Steve) to irritate myopians all over the sports world, FTT notes the coming arrival of one of the worst sports events of the year: the Tour de France.

For sheer uselessness, it's very hard to top the Tour. Let's take them all in order...

> Pompous. Check. You can't beat any sport in which Euros tells you that you are too stupid to appreciate it. Why, yes, Pierre -- guys pedaling *is* riveting. If only I were more cultured.

> Unpopular. Here's a rule of thumb. If your sports is on Versus, no one gives a crap. (We're waiting for the outraged comments from NHL fans, but that would involve the NHL still having fans.)

> Tedious. In spades. And this comes from a guy who rides trains for 15 hours a week, and watches film with subtitles.

> Scandalous. Is there a cyclist that isn't a confirmed needle ass, or someone who hasn't spent their life screaming to the skies that they aren't a needle ass? Bud Selig thinks that cycling has an image problem.

> Anonymous. If you can name a cyclist that is actually racing in this roid circus, you're either on someone's payroll or have absolutely no life. Actually, scratch that -- you're probably both.

> Not really a sport. The link gives you a longer post about this from earlier in the year, but the short of it is this: if what you are doing is commuting, it is not a freaking sport. (That takes out NASCAR, walking, ski jumping and a great many other Olympic non-sports. We're not wrong about this.)

America: The Country Where My Parents Had Sex

According to various accounts, over 30,000 people decided to spend the anniversary of our nation's independence by... watching freaks eat hot dogs.

The World Wide Lemur decided to devote a significant portion of its news hole to this. They also decided to compare the six-year reign of the Japanese freak to the Chicago Bulls teams of Michael Jordan.

The President has told us that the terrorists hate us for our freedoms. I'm starting to wonder if they've got a point.

A Prayer For Jesus's Buttocks

From the Washington Post -- (Washington Nationals) reliever Jesus Colome remained in a hopsital yesterday with an infection on his right buttocks, though GM Jim Bowden said he would get out today. The Nationals don't know when Colome, 4-0 with a 2.76 ERA in 40 appearances, will be able to pitch. "It's a serious situation," Bowden said. "We pray for his buttocks and his family."

This reliever, who art stricken
Wounded be thine ass
Thy Buttocks hurt, and
Thy Ass be done,
For 15 days, perhaps retroactive.
Give us this day a better ass
And forgive us our blasphemes
As we forgive those that blaspheme agains us.
And lead us not into titillation,
But deliver us from an image search.
For thine has the problem,
the power, and the infamy.
For ever and ever.
Sucks to be you.
Amen.

FTT Wants Your Feedback, You Bump On A Log, You

Dear Reader,

We'd like you to take a few seconds now, in lieu of looking at ads or going on to the next sports blog in your list, to answer a few customer satisfaction questions. And just to sweeten the pot a little, we're going to draw one entrant at random to win a brand-new iPhone subscription contract (Note: Not free. iPhone not included).

Please reply in the comments. Silence is not an option!

1) I want to see more

(a) intentional humor
(b) attempts at actual analysis
(c) unintentional humor (i.e., gambling picks)
(d) "inside baseball" posts about blogging and sports media
(d) YouTube clips
(e) Storytime and/or rants
(f) Voki stupidity
(g) titty

2) My least favorite part of FTT is the

(a) intentional humor columns
(b) attempts at actual analysis
(c) unintentional humor (i.e., gambling picks)
(d) "inside baseball" posts about blogging and sports media
(d) YouTube clips
(e) Storytime and/or rants
(f) Voki stupidity
(g) titty

3) My favorite FTT writer is

(a) DMtShooter
(b) DMtShooter
(c) DMtShooter

(Hey, it's *my* freaking poll. And that's just the way it is!)

4) If FTT added ads, I would be

(a) Understanding and supportive
(b) Tolerant and apathetic
(c) Enraged and homicidal

5) When FTT starts selling T-Shirts, I will buy

(a) Home and road versions
(b) One for every member of my family
(c) So many that my friends and relatives will be concerned

Thanks much. Remember, reply to the survey in comments for your chance to win, um, big! Yes, big!

MLB Potpourri: I Still Hate Griff And Bonds

> Roger Clemens held the Twins to a double and a single in a 5-1 Yankee win, but what's telling here is *how* he did it -- just 4 strikeouts, with 100 pitches in 8 innings, retiring his last 15 faced.

It's Win #350 for the Rocket, and note also that the Yankees felt compelled to use Rivera in a non-save situation, rather than Flaming Proctor. (Of course, after watching the A's handle the Yankees on Saturday and Sunday, Mariano was well rested.)

Meanwhile, Alex Rodriguez left the game after a collision at first, from a sprained right hamstring. Even when the Yankees win this year, they lose. With the Red Sox beating the Rangers, the lead remains 10.5, and the wild card is 8.5.

For the Twins, they've scored just 1 run in their last 18 innings, having been shut out last night by Jeremy Bonderman and Doug Jones in Detroit. Justin Morneau just doesn't look right following his injury.

> The Cubs win again, jumping early and often on the Nats. The Brewers kept pace by pounding those always comical Pirates, but the terrific June continues for Chicago, bringing them above .500, and 6.5 games out of the division, 5 games out of the wild card.

It was the 7th win of the year for Ted Lilly, who, along with Jason Marquis, has managed to make the Cubs off-season drunken sailor spending spree not look quite so, well, drunken.

> The Indians continued to roll, with a 10-2 crushing of the Devil Rays. Fausto Carmona's 9th win came after his worst outing of the year, and keeps the Tribe 2 games up in the Central.

> The Mets became the latest team to go to Colorado and get their noses bloodied, the victims of an 6-2 beatdown. Tom Glavine didn't like the altitude in a 6-run third inning, and is now just 7-6 with a 4.39 ERA is his Death March Year to 300 Wins. Jason Hirsh shrugged off an 5+ ERA and 8 home runs in his last three starts to get the win, and also had 2 RBIs.

> My pick to win the AL Central... is now just a few games out of, gulp, last. The White Sox scored 6, but Bobby Jenks blew the save, and the Orioles took the win.

And in other news... I'm just about ready to begin projectile vomiting over the idea that we should all be putting our brains in a box and celebrating Griffey and Bonds in the All-Star Game.

I don't care that both are hitting again this year. I don't care that they're got monstrous home run numbers. I don't care that we're supposed to be telling our kids about them.

One is a regrettable human being, a terrible team mate, and a likely perjurer, independent of the obvious roid/HGH/blood of young boys cheating.

The other is a guy who threw a perfect career away to chase money, and got his karmic comeuppance with a string of injuries and a franchise that hasn't been relevant for the entire time he's been there.

We don't have to forget about all of that because they're having good years. In fact, it's kind of more important to remember now.

That doesn't make us cynical mean blogger people. That makes us people who decide the worth of athletes beyond last week's box scores. (Which is, of course, more than we can say for the World Wide Lemur.)

Last chance for ball 4?

Smoke Stewart's blog challenge is getting rolled up into some bigger contest, so I'm not sure I'll be picking games too much longer. (Of course, I'm not sure anyone gives a rat's ass.) On to the picks!

Monday

In lieu of actual research, I'm just going to bet the guys I have in my fantasy league. That's gotta work!

Cubs over NATS. Ted Lilly and the Cubs are on a roll, and Jason Simontacchi has too many letters in his last name to be good. 2,750 to win 1,871.

INDIANS over D-Rays. Fausto Carmona's bounce-back win. 2,750 to win 1,368.

ATHLETICS over Jays. Fear Lenny DiNardo! I do. 2,750 to win 2,183.

Braves over DODGERS. John Smoltz is an All-Star. Bet he's excited about that. 2,750 to win 3,190.

Tuesday

D-Rays over RED SOX. Dice-K's been dominant the last few starts... against the NL, in pitcher's parks. Scott Kazmir has gotten good support over the years against Boston, and with ManRam not really being ManRam this year, the Bostonians are susceptible to quality lefties. 2,739 to win 4,930.

Giants over REDS. Barry Zito is an all-or-nothing pitcher this year, and I'm thinking that today will be an all day. The Reds depend on Griff and Dunn to do their damage, and Zito should handle both. He's faced by Aaron Harang, who's due for low run support and some Barroid love. 3,500 to win 3,885.

Thursday

Going all-in early to try and stay alive... Indians over TIGERS. Sabathia's been nails all year, and Verlander has struggled post no-hitter. 4,500 to win 4,635.

Well, so much for that -- Tigers won in a 9-run squeaker. Smoke's balls are safe from the likes of me.

Top 5 Tips for Inspiring Sports Blog Comments

Our little corner of the Web is aflame -- aflame I say! -- with discussion of last week's how-to list for the less traveled sports blogs among us.

But what about the less-commented? What do you do with the teeming hordes of in-and-out, wham, bam, thank you Deadspin traffic that refuse to dance?

Why, you just apply a little FTT magic to it, and follow these 5 easy tips for provoking comments.

1) Anonymous Onanism

Just allow anonymous comments, then post to your heart's content. Sure, it could get you killed in Hebrew Genesis, but in the sports blogosphere, posting your own anonymous comments is a great way to break the ice. Especially good for schizophrenics or people who genuinely hate themselves!

2) Cheap Heat

Let the Braying Jackass school of broadcast sports (see the World Wide Lemur) be your guide. Say something clinically insane, or at the very least, remarkably stupid. Why let John Kruk, Sean Salisbury, Stephen A. Smith, Dick Vitale,... oh, my fingers are cramping, must abort list early... have all the fun?

Special bonus -- Insult a country. KSK shows us the way, and from FTT's own experience, it's amazing how thin-skinned those Nazi Supermen from Argentina are. Plus, the fact that FTT has readers in France just makes some of us shake with delight. Je ne regrette rien!

3) Other Writers

The best thing about having multiple people on your blogging team is that you can quickly learn which buttons to push to get cheap comments. Don't believe me? Here, watch this...

HEY, TRUTH! THE CARDS ARE LOOKING UP AT THE CUBS' ASSHOLES, AND TONY LARUSSA JUST NAMED A FAILED CLOSER TO THE ALL-START TEAM! WHADDYA THINK OF THEM APPLES?

See? Cake.

4) Write something that requires actual reading

In yesterday's MLB Round-Up, I specifically called out the utter uselessness of the annual All Star Snub lists. Today, we get... well-thought out posts on how I was wrong to cite Jimmy Rollins instead of JJ Hardy. See? Inspiring comments is easy!

5) Bribery

See that lovely FTT Logo, Nation? Some day, very soon, it's going to be on merch. And the people who post a lot... may get a *discount* on it. (That means you, Tracer Bullet.)

P.S. You are more than welcome to point out that FTT rarely gets comments... in the comments. DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND?

Does this make Scott Proctor a flamer?

(AP) -- Scott Proctor pitched 1 1-3 shutout innings for the Yankees one day after he burned his personal game equipment on the gravel outside the home dugout following a 7-0 loss to the A's. He got a mix of boos and cheers when he entered the game in the eighth.

Why yes, I think it does.

Bad Mechanics: MLB Round-Up

1) While having ESPN on the background, I caught an ad for a pitching mechanics tape from Tom House.

Here are some of the MLB pitchers who were cited in the ad: Nolan Ryan (OK, he pitched forever), Rob Nen (whoops, he flamed out early) and... Dave Dravecky (whose arm, some may remember, SNAPPED IN HALF ON HIS FINAL MLB PITCH, AND WAS LATER AMPUTATED).

OK, I get that Dravecky had cancer, and his mechanics were probably not at fault for his loss. Still, when I think Dave Dravecky, I don't think, "Gosh, wouldn't it be great to learn to pitch just like the guy whose arm snapped in the most horrifying moment in modern MLB history?"

All I'm saying -- Mr. House *might* want to update that list. Mark Prior, maybe. (Actually, he was mentioned as well. Maybe we should all just find another tape to teach the kids with.)

2) Jerry Narron, fired as manager of the Cincinnati Reds.

At 20 games below .500 despite a remarkable comeback year from Ken Griffey Jr., I suppose someone had to take the fall. But it's hard to imagine the manager making a heck of a lot of difference to a team with Kyle Lohse as the #2 starter. How this Reds team finished only 2 games below .500 last year is one of the minor miracles of our time.

3) Who got screwed out of the MLB All-Star Game?

For like most of the All-Star Game, I Could Not Care Less, and will mock those who do.

Here's a good rule of thumb to live your life by: if you won't care about something a week from now, that's a pretty good reason to not care about it right now. All-Star snubs work the same way. There's always a half-dozen picks that wind up getting fixed later, as players decide that being named to the All Star team is a lot more fun than actually going.

So, did Jimmy Rollins get hosed? Yes, of course. He also popped off earlier in the year when his team hasn't won in his professional career, and he's got no business hitting leadoff. So Jose Reyes is overrated, because he's a fantasy baseball beast and works in New York? Who the hell cares?

Honestly, we're talking about a game in which Gil Meche -- who will, in time, be the answer to many looks of stunned disbelief for his contract -- is an All-Star. (He's following in the hallowed footsteps of Royal All Star Mark Redman. Please, won't someone take away the one player per team rule?)

Barry Bonds was *VOTED* in by the fans in a popular vote. One can only assume they'd also vote in Paris Hilton, if only she was on the ballot.

You can be an MLB fan and not watch, or care -- especially as it seems many non-MLB fans were doing the voting. In fact, it's kind of encouraged.

4) Later today, Roger Clemens goes for his second win of the year in his 5th start. If he beats the Twins and Boof Bonser at the Stadium, that will get the cost per win this year down to a thoroughly manageable $11 million.

By the way, the Yanks are now 4 games under .500, 11 games out of the East, 9 games out of the wild card, and looking up at Toronto.

But remember, George Steinbrenner is a maniac who fires people without cause.

5) Milton Bradley, traded from the A's to the Padres, is... going to start his days in San Diego on the disabled list.

Somewhere, Chris "Slept on eye wrong; DL" Brown is nodding his head in respect. Milton, you're really proving all of the haters wrong...

Top 10 Signs of Mike Hargrove's Fading Passion

Ed. Note: Mariner manager Mike Hargrove resigned on Sunday, despite winning 25 out of their last 37 games and being in the thick of the AL West and wild card race. Hargrove, a 22-year coaching veteran, said he was quitting because of a fading passion for the game.

10) Kept calling Ichiro Suzuki "Kenny Lofton" and Raul Ibanez "Manny Ramirez"

9) Doesn't giggle anymore when saying the name "JJ Putz"

8) Hasn't realized, in the last 1.5 years, that his catcher doesn't speak English

7) When asked by the Safeco Field grounds crew whether the roof should be open or closed, would just say, "Whatever"

6) Kept referring to starting pitchers as "Gil", even though Gil Meche hasn't been there for six months

5) Hasn't laughed at a "Mariner Moose" routine in, like, years

4) Spent 90 minutes sobbing over the Ray Allen trade

3) Hey, if Adrian Beltre can't summon passion while being paid over $12 million a year to hit .260, what do you expect from his manager?

2) None of his starters, despite being in a pitcher's park, is under 4 on the ERA... so perhaps "fading passion" can be translated as "getting out while the getting is good"

1) Even while winning the last eight games in a row, still needed Levitra and nipple clamps to put the Pike in its Place