The Face of the Bulls Future

Great – just who I want to see in the paper on a daily basis for the next 3 years or more. As a Bulls fan my initial reaction to the Bulls selection of Joakim Noah was “Are you f’ing kidding me Paxson?” Now that I’ve had almost 24 hours to digest this pick my reaction is "Are you f’ing kidding me Paxson?"

Doesn’t the photo above just sum up this pick? A total joke at 9. Will get to those reasons in a moment, but I’ve got to spend some time on where this outfit came from.

1) Secret desire to be Lloyd from Dumb and Dumber.

2) Publicly auditioning for Sideshow Mel for the new Simpsons movie.

3) Mugged Captain Kangaroo of his formal wear.

4) He’s really Carrot Top’s half brother.

5) Lost a bet to his college buddies Bake and Otter after smoking a few bowls with them.

Quote from Joakim on the outfit:

“I think it’s funky. There are always going to be haters. But I have a lot more love than hate. I feel it was a good look. I’m very happy with it, and I feel it was a success. Somebody said I looked like Bozo the Clown. I didn’t like that.”

Somebody was dead on Bozo.

The Bulls have been saying they need an inside force that can score. Noah does neither. He’s 7 feet and 230 pounds. Sounds like a dominating presence to me. Combine that with the elementary school kid set shot he shoots and he is going to be dominated in the NBA. The dude is soft. Those who saw him workout for the Bulls stated that he didn’t shoot the ball well. But the Bulls fell in love with his energy and intelligence. I’m assuming that same intelligence doesn’t apply with how to dress up in big boy clothes.

My biggest question is where/when do the Bulls play Noah? You can’t have him on the court the same time as Big Ben – then you have two big men who can’t score. Put him on the floor with Ty Thomas and you have two guys who will be flying all over the place with no idea what they’re going to do with the ball.

I don’t have the answer for what the correct pick was for the Bulls. But I do know what the incorrect pick was and the Bulls nailed it. To be honest, I haven't been this disappointed in a pick since DMtShooter gave an invite to the Five Tool Ninja to join Five Tool Tool as a contributor. That guy shows up less than A.C. Green at the Bunny Ranch.

Update (6/30/07):
Bulls push Noah's press conference back from Friday to Monday as he failed to leave New York on Friday. Great start Noah. Great start.

Ouch!

From the Chicago Tribune

"More American viewers (2.8 million) tuned into the Spanish language telecast of the Gold Cup final between the United States and Mexico than watched the deciding Game 5 of the Stanley Cup finals on NBC (2.0 million). That doesn't include the audience that watched the Gold Cup on Fox Soccer Channel."

Vaya con dios NHL.

Everything I Say Is Important!

But not more important than the gentlemen who heckle Stephen A. Smith, and speak in his voice with socks on their hands. Golf clap, gentlemen. Golf clap.

Live Blogging The NBA Draft from my Man Space

And we're back from the FTT Man Space. Obey my Man Space!

8:30 -- Sacramento, still giggling with relief about Noah not being there for them to play opposite Ron Artest just for pure comedy value, picks Spencer Hawes, the center from Washington. Will anyone be able to tell him apart from Brad Miller? All these white people look alike to me.

8:35 -- The Hawks take a point guard! Good thing I was home for that, because I'm pretty sure I'd have wrapped the minivan around a pole. Acie Law from Texas A&M goes south. How will he manage to take time away from immortals like Claxton and Lue?

8:45: Thaddeus Young goes to the Sixers. ESPN says he needs to tighten up his ball skills. That and $20 will get you something on South Street. It's also not a good sign that he fails under the Mom Test (see below).

8:50 -- NOLa takes Julian Wright from Kansas. Wright gets to avoid the big Green Room wait and, as a bonus, takes passes from Chris Paul. Too bad he's in the West, where no one will even hear from him. Meanwhile, the Hornets get to recover from the tragic contract of Peja Stojakovic...

9:00 -- The Clips go for Al Thornton, my dark horse pick for all-rookie team, just because he's got absolutely no learning curve. He should also get playing time and shots, given that this team just played raw energy guys at 3 last year. Watch him. (Or not, since he's with the Clips.)

But everyone on Jay Bilas's list has bad ball skills. Just once, you'd like to hear that guy really knows how to take care of his ball.

9:05 -- Al Thornton's mom is named Philomenia. For once, the mom has got the worse name than the kid...

9:09 -- Rodney Stuckey, my mom's hope for the Sixers at 12, goes to Detroit at 15. Beware the SG from a small school. Sometimes, they turn into Joe Dumars. (If he turns out great, give it up to my mom. It won't be the first time she's smarter at sports than me.)

9:12 - The Wiz, who have the worst big men in a conference filled with astoundingly bad big men... take a guard, Nick Young, from USC. Let the Gilbert Arenas Is Leaving Rumors Begin!

9:14 -- The Knicks are getting Zach Randolph for Steve Francis and Channing Frye. Other than Zach being batshit crazy and going to the worst town in the league for a batshit crazy man, this is a great deal for the Knicks. Play him next to Curry, and you have actual young low-post talent.

Next to David Lee, they have the best young front court in the East -- but only on paper, because Curry and Randolph have no heart and play no defense, and the alpha dog on the team is still Stephon Marbury. Emphasis on dog. Good thing Isiah Thomas has a really good coach in... Isiah Thomas. Whoops.

9:15 -- Stephen A. Smith just jizzed all over Zach Randolph. Too bad he doesn't, you know, play defense. And he's batshit insane. And he couldn't handle the nightlife in, gulp, OREGON.

9:16 - The Nets take Sean Williams, a pot-smoking shot-blocking center from BC. No one cares. We're all still all over Zach Randolph.

Isn't that always the way with the Nets? We're talking about a team that had a thermonuclear divorce with Jason Kidd, made the second round of the playoffs, played the hokey pokey with Vinsanity... and still, all anyone wants to talk about is the five-star tire fire in midtown. If you're not in the boroughs, you ain't shit.

9:23 - The Warriors take a guard from Italy. Marco Belinelli, who looks like Manu Ginobili's sleazier cousin. Like all Euro guards, he's the Jordan of some other country, and the footage shows 3's and dunks. At 6'5", he will have no chance to handle the point in the league, which means he's a 3-ball specialist. Hope he can wave a towel real good.

9:27 - The Lakers are on the clock! Jerry Buss has no comment on whether he's going to deal Kobe. In other news, Kobe is shopping for a white Bronco, and Coach Philip just turned 75.

9:28 - Stephen A. says it will take the Lakers decades to recover from a Kobe trade. I think it will take decades to recover from Stephen A.

9:29 - The team says they don't want Jermaine O'Neal for Lamar Odom and Andrew Bynum. Can't say I blame them -- Jermaine is astoundingly overrated, brittle, and not a very good guy -- but they're going to have to, you know, do something.

Because Kobe's in the bushes with piano wire.

And he's not wearing any clothes.

9:30 - Lakers take Javaris Crittenton, a freshman PG from Georgia Tech. Rather than give the audience any idea about what Crittenton brings to the table, ESPN throws it to Dick Vitale, who decides to take his time to invite Stephen A. out to dinner. Get a room, you crazy kids!

9:35 - Miami, with the 20th pick in 120 minutes, takes Jason Smith, a breathtakingly white forward from Colorado State. Since he's not quite 7 feet, maybe he's not a stiff. Er, no. Then again, Shaq somehow made Mark Madsen stay in the league, so there's hope beyond the three-year rookie contract...

9:38 - Mitch Kupchak says no one on his team is untouchable. Including, one must think, Mitch Kupchak...

9:42 - Philly takes Daequan Cook, a frosh guard from The Ohio State U. ESPN says he's going to Miami for Jason Smith, which makes sense -- the Sixers need a spare Shavlik Randolph in case something bad happens to their first one. The eight Sixers fans left in existence just reached for the ether. So much for Smith's chance at Madsen Money...

Cook turns out to be a big sixth man type who is a workout warrior and defensive player. If it's my team, he plays 3 and Antoine Walker is wedged into a Barcalounger, then secured with duct tape. He'll gnaw his way out eventually.

9:48 - Bobcats take Jared Dudley, a senior forward from BC. He's played the 7th most minutes in NCAA history. So MJ just took a guy in the draft with a lot of miles on him. That's special.

9:50 - Spike Lee defends Isiah's drafting record; he does have a point. Isiah's drafts are tolerable. It's the rest of his, well, entire life that is so deficient.

9:51 - As time goes by, Spike resembles Bill Cosby more and more. This is not a healthy development for Spike.

9:53 - Isiah drafts fast, and takes Wilson Chandler, the DePaul soph forward that Spike Lee predicted, and the guy they've supposedly wanted for a month. Is Isiah now one of the smarter GMs in the league? I think my head just exploded.

9:56 - Portland just plain buys the pick from the Suns. If you're a Suns fan, this can't be an encouraging sign. If you don't get KG there, it's looking very weak there all of a sudden... they wind up taking Rudy Fernandez from Spain, one of those Euros that will probably wait a year to deal with a contract buyout. Nothing quite spices up a draft like procedural moves!

10:04 - Utah is on the clock, and Stephen A. is on Mehmet Okur's ass. I think he pays rent there. It's like no big man has ever come up small against Duncan before...

10:05 - The Jazz take Morris Almond, a senior guard from Rice who might give the Jazz a chance at getting some scoring at the 2. They haven't had that since... gulp... Jeff Hornacek. Seriously.

5 picks left to go... which, at five minutes per pick, means we should be done by 11. The NBA is trying, very hard, to make sure that people don't find this to be more interesting than the Finals. I'm staying in just to see if the Sixers get Duke Puke McReynolds with the last pick in the first, so he can be the new Cherokee Parks.

10:11 - The Rockets take Aaron Brooks, a small guard from Oregon who has a lot of free time now that the Raiders drafted a QB in the first round. Brooks has always managed to be great for his fantasy teams, but not in reality. But I don't know if he's going to have enough of an offensive line to deliver big numbers here.

10:18: - Thanks to my commute, I've only had to endure 90 minutes of Stephen A. Smith tonight. Which is good, because it means that I won't have to Benoit my wife and kids. (What, too soon?)

10:19 - Pistons take Arron Afflalo, a 6'5" junior guard from UCLA. With Stuckey, the Pistons have better ideas than Lindsay Hunter now, though I still think they gave up too soon on Carlos Delfino.

10:24 - The Spurs make the most boring pick of the whole draft. I hate the Spurs so, so much. (There, that should get the Texas readers happy.)

Seriously, they take Tiago Splitter, a 7-footer from Brazil, who, like all foreign players, would have been in the lottery, according to Jay Bilas. Once again, another buyout moment, and I'd make fun of the pick, but it's obvious that they know what they are doing...

10:27 - Phoenix is on the clock, assuming that they don't just sell the pick to another team that isn't too depressed to draft. They wind up with Alando Tucker, the senior from Wisconsin who looks like a glue tweener.

10:31 -- With the final pick in the first, the Sixers continue their march to obscurity... and the Heat / Sixers trade gets announced. Whoop de damn do. The Sixers then end the round with Petteri Koponen, a 6'-4" 19-year-old point guard from Finland, who becomes the second Finn in NBA history. He looks like Kyle Korver is going to kick his ass, and that no one will hear from him for many years.

And that, my children, is a wrap. I hope we have put to rest the idea that drafts are more exciting than, you know, actual sports.

My big winners for the night... Atlanta actually got pieces that made sense for once. Portland got a ton of cap space for Randolph, freeing up playing time for Aldridge. Seattle did a similar move with Lewis. Both of those franchises are poised to be big players in a few years.

Losers? Knicks and Celtics both chased fool's gold for immediate gains, and let defense be damned. Milwaukee may be in for a world of hurt from Yi Jianlian. Phoenix, Dallas and the Lakers need to make moves and haven't.

Thank you, and good night now!

Live Blogging the NBA Draft from a Minivan

That's right, we're continuing the soul crushing tedium that is my daily commute with the aid of wireless techonology and unrepentant dorkdom. Some fine day, we'll look back on this gimmick the way kids now look back on vinyl records. PUNKS! GET OFF MY LAWN! And back to the picks!

8:13 -- The T-Wolves take Corey Brewer, the SG defensive stopper from Florida. He'll totally make Ricky Davis care, Kevin Garnett not kill himself, and Kevin McHale stop eating paste. Can someone annex Garnett out of this terrible franchise, please?

8:15 -- The Bobcats are on the clock. If Michael Jordan is involved with this pick, he's going to take a raw big with no offensive game. In other news, ex-players should not be allowed anywhere near a GM office.

8:18 -- I really appreciate every team taking the full five minutes for every pick. It's like they now that my wireless connection can lag, and they're compensating for it. I'm truly touched.

8:20 -- MJ comes through big time with Brendan Wright, who gets to show the NBA that despite being a desire-challenged PF at the college level, he'll dominate in the pros. Um, whoops... Even our UNC commentator, Dirty Davey, thinks he's light in the loafers, though not enough to go Duke on us.

On the plus side, they don't have to pay him much in moving expenses. That's important.

8:24 - Chicago's on the clock. We've made Princeton Junction. Any more details about my location, and the FTT stalkers will be all over my house this weekend. (Though I suspect the Bee does not do Jersey.)

8:25 - The Bulls get Noah! A hard rain is falling in Jersey. That'll fix their scoring problems in a heartbeat. At least now, they'll have someone to replace Wallace in... a year. Gulp.

Back later...

Live Blogging The NBA Draft On NJ Transit

Tonight, we bring you live draft coverage that no other site can touch... because it's being done on a train. It's crowded, filled with smelly people, and soul deadening -- in other words, just like the ESPN studios when STEPHEN A. is not talking. Let's get right to it!

7:39 -- Wow! Portland took Oden. What a shock!

7:40 -- I'm pretty sure Matt Millen is going to take a wideout here.

7:41 -- Buffering... buffering...

7:42 -- The Sonics are waiting until the last second to draft Durant. Why? Are they too busy packing up the trucks for Vegas?

7:43 -- DURANT! Wow! What were the odds? I can really see why everyone goes apeshit with anticipation of this event. WHAT DRAMA!

7:44 -- Hawks on the clock. Horford or Conley? Either might work out, so I'm counting on them doing something else. We all know they're allergic to point guards.

7:45 -- Conductor asks me for my ticket. I show him the blog instead. He gives *me* money instead. FTT RULES!

7:46 -- Two minutes on the clock. Somehow, I was hoping that teams would be more ready to move when the obvious picks happen. Then again, this is the Hawks -- they're probably still eating paste at this moment.

7:47 -- Hawks will take all of the time and get... and the app stalls, or the Hawks crapped themselves. If this was my fantasy league, we'd be pelting them all with food around now.

7:48 -- Al Horford! The consensus #3. Plus, he doesn't play point. Now, it's the T-Wolves, who last had a #1 in 1988, before the franchise existed, due to the Joe Smith debacle. In other news, we've just made Rahway, and the woman next to me is deep into the Soduku and Diet Coke. I feel like you need to know these things.

7:50 -- ESPN rumor is that the Celts are getting Ray Allen for the 5th pick and a smorgasborg of garbage. He Got Game! And lots of miles on his legs. On the other hand, Allen is the first NBA quasi-superstar who hasn't decided that Boston is Siberia West. The Sonics also get Delonte West, Wally Sczerbiak, and 20 moving boxes. Southward Ho!

7:53 -- The Grizz takes Mike Conley, giving them their first decent PG since Mike Bibby. He'll combine with Pau Gasol to give that team the dynamic inside-out game they had with Bibs and Shareef Abdur-Rahim. In other words, Memphis is screwed.

7:57 -- We make Metropark. The Celtics make their own sauce when you add water. Neither is a good development.

7:58 -- My instant analysis of the Allen trade -- he's actually really good. In the East, he matters. He'll make Pierce care. But he can't overcome Doc Rivers, the unbearable lightness of Kendrick Perkins, and the fact that no one, with the possible exception of Rajon Rondo, can play defense. The Celts win 40, get a low seed, get rolled. That's the high side of things. In other words, they're Knicks North!

7:58 -- Jeff Green, the SF from Georgetown, goes in the promised deal to Seattle. At least the Celts got to avoid Yi here, which in Mandarin is pronounced Skittish-Villi, if you get my meaning...

8:03 -- The Bucks take forever to pick... sorry, nodded off there. Edison looks a lot like Rahway, really.

8:04 -- Yi! Yi! Yi! He's the new Jack Sikma. He's the new Paul Mokeski. He's on the phone, telling the Chinese government to annex Canada. He's going to change your world and rock your emotions and make Andrew Bogut look hip. What a pick! Ruben Patterson just beat his nanny.

8:05 -- When you pick Yi Jianlian, do you realize you've boned it right away, or do you realize this after an hour? (Wait, don't go. I've got lots of Yellow Peril material to get through here...)

(More later -- the bathroom's opened up on the train. Wish me luck!)

One Year Old, And Already Past Their Prime

FTT would like to congratulate Kissing Suzy Kolber, and especially Big Daddy Drew, on its first year anniversary.

(BDD and I are email buddies -- if, by buddies, you mean that he answered one of my emails, once. It totally does count. Dave Stewart and I are email buddies too!)

You are now, and always will be, older than us. And gayer. Definitely gayer.

Another Fantastic Innovation From MLB

Not since the failed promotion of Spider Man 2 on the bases of MLB games have we seen such innovation. The brilliant minds of Fox and MLB have teamed up to bring you… wait for it… online coverage of the All-Star Game batting practice!!!

Chris Rose and Harold Reynolds (say it ain’t so Harold) will co-host the coverage on foxsports.com and mlb.com.

"This isn't going to be 'batting-practice cam'," Fox Sports president Ed Goren says. "It's going to be a television show on the Internet — that's where everything is moving."

Other rejected ideas for the All-Star game:

1) Clubhouse coverage of Texas Hold-Em game of the pitchers after their one inning appearance.

2) Barry Bonds helmet cam – too difficult to mount a camera that large.

3) Boat races between the coaches to decide the game when it ends in a tie again.

4) Harold Reynolds “Hugging Booth”.

5) Online voting to let fans pick the pitches during the 7th inning.

6) Dr. Pepper Fan Challenge – one lucky fan gets to pitch run during the game. $1 million prize if they can steal a base. $50,000 for dumping Gatorade on Tim McCarver.

Be Afraid Celtics Fans

It's draft day and Danny Ainge is in charge. The guy in the middle of the photo above is the brains of this operation.

Latest rumor has the Sonics offering Ray Allen to the Celtics for Theo Ratliff and the #5 pick. Even Ainge is smart enough to make that deal if it is indeed legit.

Top 10 "Sports" Events We're Not Looking Forward To

1) The All-Star Game -- despite the fact that, this time, it counts

2) Pre-season football -- Which player will win the battle for a back-up job that will have no impact on how their team does this year? Tune in and find out!

3) "Hilarious" NBA Draft diaries -- Gosh, tall young men with sudden amounts of money dress funny!

4) Just about anything ESPN produces to fill the summer dead zone

5) The inevitable Web troll / conspiracy theory backlash that Chris Benoit was framed

6) The Home Run Derby -- will Chris Berman say back-back-back-back-back? YES!

7) Pete Rose's next moment in the spotlight -- over/under countdown is down to 18 days

8) Watching Shaq get sanctimonious about people with weight problems

9) The latest developments in the Pac-Man Jones saga (in other news, Maurice Clarett wants his title of Most Overrated Waste of Time back)

10) Wimbledon. Will the guy that always wins win by hitting serves with scientifically cranked rackets that humans aren't physically capable of returning? Wow! What thrills!

Kobe Bryant's Next 10 Moves To Force A Trade From Los Angeles

10) Expresses support for Tim Hardaway

9) Slaps Jack Nicholson around

8) Eats veal

7) Confesses that he is Tupac's real killer

6) Steals Jeannie Buss away from Coach Philip

5) Wears memorial shirt for Odom's kid that has a large X drawn over the face

4) Makes video that throws his team and organization under the bus -- whoops, that already happened

3) Videotaped not separating his recyclables from his garbage

2) Starts a smoking habit -- in game, clove, rolling his own

1) Sodomy -- 24/7/365

Top 10 Tips For Sports Blog Traffic

Here at The Sports Blog That Loves You Back, we're always concerned with making sure that the site's traffic continues to grow, as part of our plan to Conquer Antarctica. But as the links to other fine sports blogs (down and to the right) show, we also like to give back to the community.

So, for the fellow bloggers and Internet professionals in the audience, we proudly present our top 10 tips for increasing your site's traffic.

1) Ass Kissing

Smooch the glutes of the no-life, no-talent humorless jerks who have more highly trafficked sites than yours by finding their weak spots. Will Leith at Deadspin wants salacious PAP -- Photoshopped Athlete Photos -- that he can pin to the bedroom walls in the basement of his parent's house. (We know, Will, we know -- rent's expensive!) Dan Shanoff at DanShanoff.com likes it when you call him mean names like Ex-Lemur, Bag Your Face and Jason Whitlock. Bill Simmons, we're told, is disturbingly into watching fat girls wrestle. But hey, who isn't?

And if you want to suck up to us, just repost our entire columns whole, on your own site, because we're your friend. That gives us a big ol' stiffie.

2) Current events

Bridge topical concerns with perennial points of interest. Does your PAP also show an athlete using one of those free brand-new iPhones!? The world should know!

3) Whore yourself

What's the matter, you little baby, you're too proud to put your name and photo in front of others in a modified Hot Or Not contest that will leave you emotionally scarred? You just don't want it enough.

4) Whore others

Through the careful use of flattery, insults and swag (the posters get shirts! that's just the way it is!), you can attract a top-notch team of writers to feed your need for attention.

Hint: shirts are big.

5) Whore strangers

Pretend all you want, but the Internet is for porn. See the photo at the top of this post? It's gotten us hundreds of visitors, from all over the world, for months on end.

It is, by the way, a wooden dildo -- and the only one endorsed by Kobe Bryant. Obey your thirst and order one today!

6) Tech fun!

Through the use of Technorati, RSS feeds, email sign-ups, talking avatars, meta tags and coding and the little-known but highly effective method of Instant Message spam of anyone who has ever given you their address, you too can increase the number of ways that people see your work. Remember, shamelessness is the new hotness. At least, that's what that pantywaist Dan Shanoff says. (Just 500 more votes, and we'd have uglied up his pretty face...)

7) Cheap Heat

This term from the world of pro wrestling involves calling out the residents of YOUR TOWN HERE as being particularly stupid, odorous or effeminate. It can be surprisingly effective by telling Yankee fans that their team is under .500, Red Sox fans that no one outside of their fan base thinks they're adorable, and Cubs fans by telling them that Wrigley's a Crap Hole. Try it for yourself!

(Wrestling, for the younger members of the audience, was the form of popular sports entertainment that was nearly universally shunned after Chris Benoit decided to decorate his house with corpses, and his organization decided to give a three-hour eulogy in his memory. Look it up in the history books.)

8) Keywords

Sprinkle your posts with words that people are searching for. Solid performers this week include FREE iPhone, Chris Benoit, Kobe Bryant, titty, and the oldie but goodie, Tinkerbell Hatefuck. It's surprisingly effective!

9) Gambling -- er, fantasy sports -- oh, OK, gambling

Nothing gets you the repeat business quite like a daily dose of gambling knowledge. As FTT is the proud home of three of Dave Stewart's balls -- the man is talented -- you can be assured that your rent money is safe with our counsel.

10) Lists! Everybody loves lists!

The Giant Urinal Cake Known As Wrigley Field

(Ed. Note: Part of a continuing series where FTT throws dirt on the graves of dead stadiums to show that yes, we are freaking old. Enjoy!)

For those of you who have been following our series on Craphole Stadiums of the past, you might be wondering why we are covering an active stadium. We made a special exemption for Wrigley Field – basically the world’s largest urinal cake. Even the rats stay away from this place.

I’ve been to Wrigley probably 20-30 times over the past 20 years. The funny thing is it doesn’t feel any older each time I go. Probably because 20 years ago it was already 75 years old. I love it when Cubs fans gush about how great this old stadium is, what a treasure they have and how they want to keep it forever. Who are they kidding? You could piss down their backs, tell them it’s raining and they’d believe you. In fact, I think I actually saw that happen in the bleachers once. This thing is a relic that will be replaced as soon as the Tribune Co. sells the Cubs later this year.

The place is literally falling apart and the city almost closed Wrigley for a while a couple years back when concrete chunks of the ceiling started falling. It’s eerie how the stadium is directly tied to the team. Both fall apart when the slightest amount of stress is applied.

The hallways are cramped, the vending areas are few, and if you don’t love sausage/hot dogs/nachos, you are out of luck. And the beer of choice is Old Style. For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of Old Style, go grab a Bud, Miller Lite or Coors can and put it out in the sun for a week before you drink it. That will give you an idea of the sophisticated tastes Cubs fans have. It’s one thing to be stuck with a craphole stadium, but do you have to drink crappy beer too? And they drink so much of it, they finally added a basket above the outfield walls in the early 70s. This was to keep the drunks from falling onto the field.

Wrigley’s biggest draw is its bleachers. You can go on a weekday day game and find it filled with 20 something unemployed drunks. I couldn’t think of a better representation of a fan with a team than these folks. Tickets now run upwards of $40 for a general admission seat in the bleachers. And that doesn’t guarantee you a seat either as the Cubs sell more tickets than seats for the bleachers each game.

Now I do have to give in a bit and say the bleachers have the hottest chicks in baseball regularly in attendance. But even with a new Cubs stadium they’d still be there. They are really the only good scenery at Wrigley. This photo is a pretty good sample of that talent that is out there.

Other that that, enjoy your crappy beer, your crappy view behind the pole in front of you, the crappy man operated scoreboard, the crappy team on the field and the crappy celebrity led 7th inning stretch that nobody cares about anymore.

Oh, and cut the vines off the outfield wall. This isn’t an Ivy League campus.

In Praise of Minor-League Baseball

The Five Tool Ninja took in a couple of Single-A New York-Penn league baseball games over the weekend, as the Brooklyn Cyclones (Mets) defeated the Hudson Valley Renegades (Devil Rays) on Saturday night and the Staten Island Yankees trounced the Aberdeen Ironbirds (Orioles) on Sunday afternoon.

There are many things to love about minor-league baseball. The between-innings entertainment. The (relatively) cheap concessions. Seeing players that you'll never, ever see again.

But perhaps most noteworthy is the fact that walk-up tickets can be purchased on the day of the game, and good seats, too -- the first 15 rows near home plate, where the players are well within earshot.

So when the Aberdeen SS makes his second error of the game at yesterday's Staten Island Yankees game, he was helpfully reminded that "You made a terrible career choice!"

It's also worth mentioning that the freebie gameday program that the Staten Island Yanks hand out to each fan contains a personal profile for each player, which includes favorite hobbies, movie, music, food, etc.

So if you are so inclined, you can get under pitcher Jeff Livek's skin by telling him that his work is about as impressive as Kid Rock's recent album sales.

Or give it to catcher Brandon Ketron when he strikes out by suggesting that "Adam Sandler is vastly overrated in Billy Madison!"

Or set pitcher Craig Heyer straight by letting him know that "Your grandma's homemade pot roast *sucks*!"

Good times.

I'm Going To Clean My Gutters... On Pay Per View

(Hat Tip, MediaPost -- and nope, this is all for real)

Broadcasting & Cable
ESPN will again offer poker fans the chance to watch the finals of the World Series of Poker live on pay-per-view and/or streamed on ESPN.com. This year's coverage will include new production elements and reporters and fan interaction with the players.

"We are focused on delivering a unique viewer experience with access to players, commentators and information," says Jamie Horowitz, senior producer at ESPN. "With real-time text message and email communication available between their homes and the tournament in Las Vegas, fans will be part of poker's most exciting night in a way they've never been before."

Fans will be able to text who they think will be the next player eliminated, with the results appearing live while submitting questions via ESPN.com. Final table coverage starts at 3 p.m. on July 17 and continues until there is one winner.

Top 11 Justifications For Starting Your Fantasy Football Draft Preparations

11. Your man-crush for Vince Young can not be contained

10. Aw, c'mon... everyone else is doing it... it's not fair...

9. You've already got last year's list open -- so how much more time will it take to update it, really?

8. Just can't get enough Microsoft Excel in your life

7. Your Dungeons and Dragons session is off this week (the Dungeon Master is preparing for Pennsic)

6. Determining the proper place to slot Brady Quinn could take weeks

5. You've found yourself watching Arena Football, and want to do something more productive

4. Your free Yahoo league's only available live draft is in late June

3. You want to make sure you've got Larry Johnson on your team before the catastrophic knee injury

2. You are a baseball fan in Chicago

1. You Have No Life

(Bonus: Top justification for writing this post... attracting Google searchers who are doing draft research. Welcome, suckers! See you next time, when you are searching for titty!)

Perhaps the greatest WTF? in TV History

WWE performer Chris Benoit apparently killed his wife, 7-year-old kid, and self over the weekend, after canceling from a pay per view event.

The WWE canceled its television events for last night.

The USA Network, to fill the hole, put in a... three-hour tribute to Benoit.

In other news, the NFL Network has decided to *NOT* pay tribute to Rae Carruth and OJ Simpson, MLB has decided to *NOT* pay tribute to Donnie Moore, and the NBA has decided to *NOT* pay tribute to Jayson Williams.

(Special points for anyone who wants to equate USA's decision with MSNBC's move to air the Virginia Tech killer's tape. You're right. And I need a drink.)

I Got A Feeling About This Week's Picks

Cards over METS. Mike Maroth moves to AAA-NL and a Mets team that's feeling too happy after sweeping the A's. He's faced by Jorge Sosa, who is, at the end of the day, Jorge Sosa. I'm counting on the Mets not seeing Maroth before, and not liking it that much. Besides, the moneyline looks wacky to me, as it frequently does with NY teams. 3,000 to win 4,860.

Padres over GIANTS. Tim Linecum is not ready for the Show, and he's faced by the 5-1 stylings of Justin Germano. Make it 6-1. Giant Fan won't care if Bonds goes yard, of course. They deserve each other. 3,000 to win 3,150.

Royals over ANGELS. Have we lost our mind? Probably, but Slingblade Lackey missed his last turn with a boo-boo, and John Thomson hasn't been seen by anyone in a really long time. Probably for a good reason, too, but the moneyline is off the charts. 1,000 to win 2,610.

Tuesday

Two 1-run losses, and the Royals, of all teams, keeping me from getting buried. I'm down 4K and in second place. The contest needs new blood, folks..

A's over INDIANS. It's hard to bet a team that's lost four in a row, but Haren vs. Lee at this moneyline makes me pull the trigger. 3,000 to win 2,521.

Red Sox over MARINERS. Gabbard vs. King Felix, and I think the latter is headed for a rough night. He's handled the Sox earlier this year, but his ERA is up to 4 now, and Gabbard keeps his team in the game. 4,000 to win 5,000.

Wednesday

The week after winning is always brutal. Now 1-4, I'm going all in with the Padres over GIANTS. Greg Maddux faces Matt Cain, and here's why the road team will win: today is the day when the most over-40 starting pitchers will all start (7). Mad Dog's going to pee all over that whippersnapper Cain. 2,610 to win 2,662.

Update -- Got an early win and I'm going for more.

White Sox over D-RAYS -- Mark Buerhle on the road vs. somebody named Andy Sonnanstine, with a 6.58 ERA. I know the ChiSox don't hit, but come on. 2,500 to win 2,232.

Dodgers over DBACKS - Derek Lowe against Brandon Webb. Dodgers have been very good on the road. 2,500 to win 2,925.

Thursday

The DBack win prevents me from getting back in. Two more all-in bets today.

A's over INDIANS. Joe Blanton was fantastic in New York, while Paul Byrd is pretty damn hittable. After last night's explosion against Fausto Carmona, I'm hoping for another day of run support, 3,004 to win 2,974.

Jays over TWINS. AJ Burnett comes back from the DL strong against the randomness that is Carlos Silva. 3,000 to win 2,778.

...and I'm done. See you next Monday, folks...

$200 Million Doesn't Buy You A Spare Tire

Watching the Yanks lose their 5th game in a 6-game road trip so far, one had to be struck by the sight of a 44-year-old starter (Clemens, of course) coming into a game to pitch relief. It was the first time for the Rocket out of the pen in a regular season game since his rookie year in 1984, and it didn't quite work out, and he gave up a hit and a run in what turned out to be a 7-2 loss and a series loss to the previously moribund Giants. The team is now 36-37.

Yes, it's extremely defensible strategy to bring in Clemens on his off-day to pitch an inning. It nearly worked, they didn't have him out there for long enough to risk anything, and it's not like they care too much about his future after this year. They've done the same thing with Pettite on several occasions, and the day after a 13-inning marathon, you needed every possible arm. Just a relief the dear boy was around, really -- and you wonder, on some level, whether this was exactly why he negotiated being away from the team on off days in the first place.

But as the team falls back to 11.5 games out of first and 6.5 games out of the wild-card... it just has the feel, if not the reality, of desperation.

Older teams are prone to big streaks in either direction. When they're right and rolling, everyone is playing to career norms, and veteran players are veterans for a reason -- they are above average. Anyone in the majors who has managed to get 1000 innings or 5000 at bats is, by definition, a good player -- there are too many other guys around to take the job if you aren't, and independent of a big contract, patience is limited.

But when they're hurt or failing, the same math goes the other way... because the team is less likely to have a good back-up position. And that, truly, is the main failing of the Yankees in the latter days of the Torre era (and I call this the Torre era more than the Cashman era, because it's frankly hard to tell how much of this team is Cashman, as opposed to Big Stein's lackeys, as opposed to the farm system that started the run in the first place).

It's truly amazing that a team with a $200 million payroll had no better option at first base than Doug Mientkiewicz. When that career .760 OPS hitter and 11-year veteran was felled by injury (in what should be a relief, in that his .671 20007 OPS is matched by many middle infielders)... and his vaunted fielding prowess at the diamond's least important defensive position isn't all that important, unless you think that Jeter and A-Rod are the worst throwers at their position in MLB, which your eyes tell you isn't the case...

Well, it's even more amazing that the team's best fallback option is the 33-year-old Miguel Cairo. Perhaps the most amazing part of this whole series of moves is listening to YES broadcasters talk about what a surprise Cairo's defense has been. As if a team with a $200mm payroll should be content with a .595 OPS at first base just to get a glove in the lineup. A small note to the Yankee faithful -- the .320 OPS difference between the Boston first baseman (mostly Youkilis) and yours has to taste good, especially because you're paying a lot more for your numbers.

The troubles at first base even have the team rolling the dice with playing Jorge Posada there, despite the fact that he's an injury risk waiting to happen... and that when Jorge is there, the team has to play his back-up, the breathtakingly inept 29-year-old Wil Nieves (OPS of .260 this year, and .361 for his career, which is to say, less than several National League *pitchers*). Nieves, however, brings a lot of defense to the table -- the Giants only stole five bases off him and Mike Mussina yesterday. They had 32 in their first 73 games, and weren't starting Dave Roberts, so five in a game was just bound to happen.

Here's who the Yankees *should* have waiting in the minors to play first in the event of an injury: Jack Cust. The Oakland lefty and career minor-leaguer always could hit; he just can't field. Or Scott Hatteberg, who was available for a song two years ago (the song in question was "On A Horse With No Name"), and probably still available from the Reds for the price of a minor pitching prospect.

At this point, you'd be happy with a Travis-ty Lee or a JT "12 Inches Of" Snow. Does anyone have Tino Martinez's cell phone number -- landline service to the senior center is spotty. Maybe Paulie O'Neill can gripe his way through a few nostalgia at-bats, just so the Yankee faithful can cream themselves over his intangibles?

The Yankee farm system is very good for developing high ceiling prospects that allow them to go after big contract veterans. It is much, much less good at finding the kind of true AAA player that an older team with injury risks needs. That can only be attributed to a lack of discipline or effort, or a need to show some cost savings somewhere after filling the garage with toys.

Because when you look at a Roger Clemens or an Andy Pettite pitching out of the bullpen on their off day, you are not seeing a veteran giving his team some crucial outs in the middle of a long run up Red Sox Mountain.

What you are seeing, instead, is the baseball equivalent of a late-model performance sports car, with serious reliability issues and a dodgy, at best, insurance policy, hauling rocks to a job site. At some point, it's going to break down, and your utter lack of a contingency plan is going to get you stuck in the middle of nowhere -- or, 11.5 games out of first, 6.5 games out of the wildcard, and a pulled A-Rod groin away from utter irrelevancy.

Now that I've buried them, they will run off six in a run and make Red Sox Nation hide in the bathroom for a weekend. But any team where the bench is so bad that .600 OPS is common... or the bullpen is getting supplemental innings from top-line starters... is no threat. Even if they do have the MVP and a half-dozen Hall of Famers. It's a long season, and teams have 25 players for a reason.

I Slice Like A Hammer

A small note to the Truth and the Ninja, aka FTT's slacker team members -- just listen to this bit on motivational speaking from Paul Anka, recreated for everyone's pleasure. Note: Audio not safe for work.



The audio track is the real deal, and says everything that I would, only better.

We're not going to be as strong as our weakest link!

Drawing Ball Three from Smoke Stewart

I pussied out bigger than Roger Clemens this week, riding a fast 5-0 start in the first two days of the week to the win in the Battle of the Blogs.

That leaves us just one more ball away from the 4-pitch walk. Whatsa matter, Smoke, too scared to pitch to us?

Play us out, boys...

Around the horn

> After getting swept in Colorado, the Yankees go back to 10.5 games behind the Red Sox. They are also 5.5 games out of the wild card, with four teams ahead of them.

We're about 10 games before the true mid-point of the season, which basically means this... their start has made June more like July, and July will be more like August.

Finally, there is this: if the White Sox and Royals continue to play .400 ball, it's going to be a lot easier for the Cleveland/Tigers loser to keep a good record. Right now, one of the best things that could happen for the Yankees is for Justin Morneau to come back and make the Twins right again, so the Central starts hurting each other.

> The best team in the AL in June is... those sneaky LAAngles. They are 20 games over .500 for the year, and 14 games over .500 in June, With a big lead over the A's and surprising Mariners, and a resurgent Chone Figgins making their offense right again, the best team you don't hear about now has the second-best record in baseball.

Things could get dicey for them soon, as Barty Colon is still not right and Slingblade Lackey is actually going to miss a turn, but with that offense and bullpen, it's hard to imagine them falling too far back.

> Sosa, Griffey, Thomas and Bonds are all chasing big career home run milestones.

Their teams are 17.5 games out, 13.5 games out, 11.5 games out and 11.5 games out of their divisions, respectively. Only the Jays are near .500. So... how much are these sideshows helping their teams?

> The A's cut Milton Bradley. It comes as no surprise that I'm a big Billy Beane fan, but this is one of those moments that make me happy to be an A's fan -- all around. They rolled the dice to get him. It didn't work out. They have a decent enough farm system to replace him cheaply with Travis Buck. And then they let him go, before it became too much of a distraction, with a relative lack of fuss.

> It's the last weekend for interleague play. What will be your biggest memory of it this year? Yeah, I don't have one either...

> Griffey goes to Seattle and gets applauded. Giambi goes to court and gets immunity. Tejada goes to the DL and gets abuse for trying to keep his streak alive. And the rest of the world wonder what might have been, if only they all decided to stay with their first clubs, where they were successful and comfortable and out of the media spotlight... and where their steroid supplies were discrete. Ah, Karma, you heartless bitch...

Cry Us A River

Mainstream media types are starting to notice sports bloggers. In the immortal words of Derrick Coleman, whoop de damn do...

On the off chance that someone who is getting paid is reading this, we'd like to take this opportunity to point out the following:

1) The toothpaste is out of the tube. You can either cry about that, or brush your teeth. Given your career choices to date, this is a 50-50 call.

2) If the roles were reversed, and you were the person whose work was dissected by a third party... you wouldn't be looking for a way to go direct?

Way back when, I covered high school and college sports for newspapers. It's not a great way to earn a living. The athletes that have the ability to speak to the press don't want to. The ones that do not... well, they won't give you anything you can use. The pay sucks. Your coworkers are sportswriters - flabby, badly dressed white guys who live for free food and drink.

If you're good, you move up the ladder for various chains. The pay gets a little more tolerable. Maybe people start to care about what you write. On the other hand, you get scorned by athletes that earn more in a year than you will in your lifetime.

Eventually, if everything goes really well, you get hired by the World Wide Lemur, or you stay true to your print leanings and go to a big paper. Life's good then, right? You've made it to the big time. All of the ass-kissing to editors, all of the networking, all of the late nights and politicking for exclusives... it's paid off. You're getting paid to write about sports, for a living. You get to spend your entire life in a state of perpetual adolescence.

And then the world changes.

Athletes go direct. Newspapers fail to change with the times, and can't monetize Web traffic. Bloggers become relevant, because the traffic votes with its mouse. And you're reduced to writing pointless whinefests.

The point is this: the world changes. Constantly, with increasing speed, in ways that are never applauded by those who are invested in the status quo. In any event, good luck finding anyone who cares. Moving on...

My Failed Jock Moment

Everyone is, or eventually becomes, a failed jock. There comes a point where what you want to do (win) doesn't happen, either through bad coaching, talent, motivation or luck, and you move on to something else. For me and baseball, that happened at age 12, and had a soundtrack.

For one bad season, I played Little League baseball in Northeast Philadelphia. For several months, I tried to overcome fear, insecurities and bad eyesight, with moments of success mixed in during weeks of misery. My team, buttressed by the classic talented jerk who was also the coach's kid, was the class in the league. I had some good games, but was soon relegated to deep outfield and the bottom of the lineup. My team won the championship, but by the time the season was over, I knew I wasn't going to be doing this again. Instead, I moved on to something much more worthy of blackmail.

This was particularly galling, I think, to my older brother, who was a pretty terrific athlete. A football star and divorce self-driven man of the house at age 12, he was in his late teens, driving a pimped-out van and providing overly aggressive encouragement for my feeble efforts. Fairly soon afterwards, he joined the Marines.

The second-place team was led by my childhood friend and rival, a ball of quickness and energy that was the star of his team *and* my height. He wasn't a bad guy, but he was much better than me and eliminated any size-based excuse for incompetence. On the day our teams played, he was pitching.

The first time I came up, there were men on base with two outs. The first pitch, which couldn't have been intentional given our skill levels, was at my head. When I got up, my rival was smiling, because hey, watching a spastic frienemy bail is probably damned funny.

The next pitch, I smoked a line drive that missed his head by a foot, driving in some runs. I stopped at second. By Grantha's Hammer, I was Avenged! Life was good.

My second at bat, we were threatening to break open the game. With the bases loaded, my rival again dusted me on the first pitch, but with no post-pitch smile this time. The next pitch, he nearly did. I missed his skull by inches on the hardest hit ball of my life.

The center fielder, possessing the innate sense of survival that you usually find in Little League, picked the ball up when it no longer appeared radioactive. I wound up at third. Teammates were screaming with joy, and I felt like Mike Schmidt -- hell, better. Schmidt didn't have my wheels to wind up on third, after all. Maybe this baseball thing was going to work out after all.

Another at bat produced a ground ball to the right side of the infield that I beat out for a single. (Not an uncommon experience in that league.) In the final at bat, with my brother clearly screaming for the home run that would produce my cycle, I put a ball into the gap and didn't stop running. Through the usual comedy of errors you'd find in a Little League game, much less a blowout, I touched home plate to the consternation of my coach, who was trying to get everyone to follow base running signs.

Screw that, Coach. I was hitting for the cycle!

After the final out was recorded, my brother carried me off on his shoulders, tears running down his face with pride. We piled into his van. "You hit for the cycle! That was awesome! I'm gonna play this song for you, you hear it, you remember it, that was so f***..." Et cetera. My brother is an enthusiastic guy.

He popped in his favorite tape that month, Cheap Trick's "Live at Budokan." He meant, I'm sure, to put in the side where his favorite song that week, "Nine O'Clock Tick Tock", was playing.

But, um, no.

The music started, I looked at his face, and it really wasn't what he meant to play... but it had started, so he just sung harder and pretended this is what he wanted.

Mama told me / Yes she told me / I'd meet girls like you
She also told me / stay away / you'll never know what you'll catch...

Yes, "Surrender" -- a fairly notorious little ditty of a kid discovering his parent doing the nasty to his Kiss records. The enthusiasm left the moment, and we drove home.

I remember, 25 years later, the color of the sky as the sun set on a perfect Philadelphia night. And I remember, looking up at that sky, thinking that if the song for my finest game ever in Little League was, well, this song... maybe that glorious major league career playing second for the Phillies wasn't going to happen.

Play me out, boys...

Wagon Wheel

The Ninja and I saw these guys tonight. White people are funny.

Easiest Sports Joke Of The Day

ESPN Headline:
Retired (WNBA Star Chamique) Holdsclaw Lost Interest In Game

You and us both, sister! (rim shot)

Kobe Bryant Releases Trade Haiku

(ROIDERS) In the latest twist to the Kobe Bryant story, the unhappy star of the Lakers has now made trade requests on his web site, STRENGTH! HONOR! KOBE UBER ALLES!, in haiku form.

Some of the verses include:

i long for a trade
my soul cries out for glory
that, or sodomy

this kid bynum? girl
please. my career is too short
to mentor or pass

why did shaq leave me?
it is really all his fault
not knowing his place

phil doesn't love me
always talking of michael
i hate all his books

if they don't trade me
so help me God, i will hold
my breath and turn blue

i have no teammates
walton's kid is horrible
why's lamar so sad?

one of my teammates
i think is named Smush
i'm not having that

time to leave el lay
this town is just so phony
not like me at all

the east, it needs me
the finals ratings are proof
el lay stage too small

on second thought i
am going to take it all back
these pills are so nice

Lakers owner Jerry Buss was unavailable for comment.

Worst. Spam. Ever...

Found in my junk mail folder this morning.

San Antonio Spurs Screensaver



Note the final line -- "You will re-live the Spurs world championship every time you are at your computer."

Who's up for a class-action lawsuit?

Rules for Road Fans

In last night's Yanks vs. Rockies game, 45K+ fans filled a park that usually only has 25-30K. Flash bulbs fired on every pitch to Yankee players like Jeter and A-Rod. In the 8th, in the midst of a Yankees rally that ended when Latroy Hawkins struck out Jorge Posada with the bases loaded in what would eventually be a 3-1 Rockies win, the crowd was more or less evenly split between Yankee and Rockies chants.

Which is to say, it was a typical Yankees game, or Red Sox game, or any game where the road team has a national following, and the local team doesn't fill their park.

Having been a road fan, and having suffered intensely through them while at home (2003 ALCS, Red Sox Nation cheered my A's still-warm corpse in front of me, causing a hate that the Twins, Yankees and Tigers will never eclipse), let me humbly suggest the following rules.

1) Do not wear your team's colors. Yes, I'm advocating that you be a ball-free pussy that doesn't enjoy the game to the fullest. I'm also telling you that it's rude, classless, and that you deserve any abuse you suffer, up to and including criminal mischief.

I'm not saying that I'm going to be the guy pouring beer on you, insulting your girl, decorating your colors with condiments, challenging your (shriveled) manhood and taking a secret piss on your clothes, in or out of the urinal. Or secretly daydreaming of you getting The Mussolini Treatment.

But I will admire it.

2) Do not chant for your team. The people around you have spent their lives, for good or ill, rooting passionately for the hosts. When the rival chant starts up, the benefit for your team is minimal. The hate that you are creating? That's permanent. It'll find an outlet eventually -- either on you, or someone less deserving.

3) Do not take pictures with flash photography. There's this thing called television. It even comes in high definition now. There's also this thing called a DVR, or Tivo. It allows you to record the game you were at, in better detail and clarity than your crappy cell phone camera. And guess what? In both cases, you won't want to look at it after the game.

Taking pictures of you and your friends, during the inning breaks? Absolutely. Taking pictures of every pitch? Seriously, is your life so deprived of excitement that you need dozens of pictures of routine at-bats in the middle of a career that will have something like 10,000 of them?

4) Get your head in the freaking game, for the love of... Do not wear comically out of date jerseys; this just in, Sox Nation, Pedro's not coming back. Do not use your cell phone to call the outside world just to say where you are. If you must, do so quietly, by cupping your hand over the receiver and moving in close, you know, like a polite human being. Applaud good plays by either team. Sing during the 7th inning stretch. Be a baseball fan first, a fan of your team second. Make me not hate you.

5) If the home team does not have violent and passionate fans that fill the stadium, preventing you and your horde from having sections of your own, it does not mean that the people who are there are doormat pussies who deserve to be abused. It means that they are fans of a franchise that does not provide to them the same level of service that your fan base has received.

Do you also go to areas with bad school districts and mock the parents that live there? Or bring take-out from fine restaurants into fast food joints? Or bring your luxury car into poor neighborhoods and laugh at people with older cars? Play practical jokes on the homeless?

No, one fervently hopes, because those would be acts without charity, or humanity, or class. You'd have to be an utter and complete asshole to do things like that.

Now... do the math.

6) Realize, for once in your blighted lives, that the world extends beyond your own ass. Or...

7) Stay the hell home. The sooner you do, the sooner we can toss this interleague bullshit into the ashcan of history, where it belongs. (No, I'm not holding my breath.)

FTT's Got The Kobe Video!

No, not that video... the one that's happening to Laker Fan...

FTT Saves You 2,196 Words of Bill Simmons

I went to Vegas.

I drove. It's exciting to drive across the desert.

The Las Vegas airport isn't good.

My friends and I are getting older.

We gambled outside, and a woman took off her top.

I'll go next year.

What You Did Not Know About Tiger Woods' New Baby Girl

> Brings the "A" Crying

> Can already outdrive Michele Wie

> Has a higher APGAR score than any kid you'd ever have

> Might get Jesus back on his side

> Already has made more money than you will ever see

> Is already a special character on several video games

> Like Tiger, is a cyborg sent from the future

> Will rebel by hating golf

> Is Bad Luck -- Tiger Has Not Won A Tournament Since Her Birth

> Ties Woods with Nicklaus for daughters; still four behind on sons

If You Don't Think This Is The Finest Mascot Episode Ever, I Will Have To Sneer At You Repeatedly

Anyone who debates this with me is a moron who just doesn't get what David Chase and the Pittsburgh Pirates are trying to do. (Hat tip: Deadspin, who grabbed it from Dorothy Mantooth Is A Saint.)

I think Jason Bay kills him with his bare hands. Worse yet, no one notices, because it's, you know, in Pittsburgh...

Take Me Out To The Beer - This Week's MLB Picks

Monday

Two wins already in the books - White Sox and Brewers - and I'm up $7500. Always nice to start the week right.

Tuesday

ROCKIES over Yankees. Mike Mussina in altitude is usually a bad idea, the Yanks haven't seen Josh Fogg before, and the moneyline is big. As always. You'd think I'd have learned my lesson by now, but no. 2,000 to win 2,940.

Pirates over MARINERS. Tom Gorzelanny has been solid all year, and he's facing the very hittable Miguel Batista. 2,000 to win 2,320.

Astros over ANGELS. Jason Jennings has been solid, while Big Barty Colon hasn't been able to go deep (fat, fried) in a game yet. Have we mentioned Colon's heavy? 2,000 to win 2,980.

Wednesday

5-0 for the week and up $15,000, rolling the competition. Does this make me pussy out and make someone come catch me? You bet your sweet life it does. Late...

Whoa, Budny! Top 10 Ways Commissioner Bud Selig Has Made MLB Better

10. (Sound of crickets)

9. I'll just fill this one in later. I'm sure it will come to me.

8. A lot of places have new stadiums.

But they cost you 2-3X more than seeing the game in the old one, and they're usually paid for with corporate welfare. Oh well.

7. Pete Rose isn't in the Hall of Fame...

but neither is Buck O'Neill.

6. Hey, does anyone want to run out for ice cream in the middle of this list?

I could sure go for some ice cream.

5. I guess interleague play sells tickets. Maybe. And my A's usually crush teams during it.

But it also compromises the schedule, and gives as many bad matchups as good ones. So.

4. Lots more international talent in the game now.

Which I can't imagine Bud has had any impact in getting.

Also, it means that teams in big markets have extra de facto farm leagues. So, not so much.

3. Never allowed labor and big market vs. small market stupidity to create a work stoppage that canceled the World... oh, crap.

2. Maybe the wild card has made baseball more relevant to more cities, later in the year.

But the watered-down pennant races kind of crush that. Anyway.

1. Didn't do as bad of a job as Don King or Gary Bettman....

or, for that matter, Hitler.

Now, one more time, let's all give the Budny Cheer...

Top 10 Trade Destinations for Kobe Bryant

(Ed. Note: There is no proof to the rumor that we're changing the name of the blog to Five Tool Kobe. But we understand how these things get started.)

10. Boston

The Celtics are desperate to prove they are still relevant after their tanking/draft fiasco, and they can offer a variety of package options, ranging from the well-established (Paul Pierce) to the up and coming (Al Jefferson). Theo Ratliff, in the final year of one of those Billy King Sixers contracts that always provide so much comedy value around the league, would be a must in any deal, giving the Lakers cap relief going into next season.

In Boston, Kobe could be the first major star ever to play for both the Lakers and the Celtics. In an up-tempo offense "coached" by the very vacant Doc Rivers, he would easily lead the NBA in scoring, and as LeBron James showed in this year's playoffs, it doesn't take a great cast of characters to get deep into the playoffs.

9. Rome, in the time of Caesar

As seen on the hit HBO series, Rome is a murderous, back-biting cesspool of human domination and degradation -- a perfect match for Kobe's off-court talents. As someone who grew up overseas, Kobe's international predilections would be rewarded here, and he'd be a key part of the NBA's efforts to continue to grow the fan base beyond North America.

Rome can offer up any number of soldiers, riches and artifacts to the Lakers, something that would have considerable appeal in the status-conscious LA market. Coach Phil Jackson would probably leap at the chance for a tighter defense with shields and swords packing the lane around a developing Andrew Bynum, and he'd look simply fabulous in a breast plate.

The final kicker for Rome, for Kobe -- a league-leading amount of sodomy. It's a win-win situation!

8. New York

Isiah Thomas has shown that he can blow big trades, and none would be bigger than putting one of the biggest stars in the NBA at Madison Square Garden. Stephon Marbury, in his historical role as overrated superstar who gets dealt for players better than he is, would be nearly a match under the salary cap, and the Knicks can also dangle the surprisingly potent David Lee, the returning LA favorite Quentin Richardson, and draft picks that could be heavy lottery favorites in the future. The Knicks could also take Vlad Radmanovic's contract, a major plus for the Lake Show as they try to clear cap space.

In New York, Kobe could team with an actual low-post scorer again in Eddy Curry, and the same rules as per Boston would apply here. He'd also have a terrific opportunity to rehabilitate his image among local Madison Avenue ad types, who could use his outlaw image and bicoastal fan base to make many more consumers eager to Obey Kobe's Thirst.

7. Paris, in the time of the Revolution

Anarchy in the streets, truly outstanding cuisine, the day to day excitement of violent decapitations *and* puffy shirts? For sheer visual appeal, it's hard to top Paris as the next stop for Kobe. Unlike many NBA stars who might balk at the low exchange rate and streets running red with blood, Kobe's shown a greater sense of, how do you say, je nais sais quoi.

Paris would appear to be compromised at the trade table, what with its plunder being squandered on royalist abuses and no NBA franchise to tap into for tradeable talent. But this analysis fails to grasp just how much Jerry Buss enjoys a freshly made crepe, and Jackson would be able to indulge in his taste for Dumas. Dealing Kobe to Paris also means the Lakers will never have to worry about facing him again, in the playoffs or the regular season, destroying any chance he'd have for revenge. Sacre bleu!

6. Dallas

No team was more exposed for its lack of playoff toughness in the post-season than the Mavs, a #1 seed that got rolled in the first round. Owner Mark Cuban has always shown a taste for rolling the dice, and his roster is filled with the kind of talent that the Lakers would be looking for in a rebuilding era. Top targets would include Jason Terry, Jerry Stackhouse, and possibly Erick Dampier, all of whom could prove to be more valuable in Jackson's vaunted triangle offense.

For Dallas, the only real consideration must be how well Kobe would co-exist with Dirk Nowitzki, the reigning MVP and the NBA's best scoring big man. Would they mesh together as well as Shaq and Kobe, depite Dirk's dramatically different offensive game? Only time will tell.

5. Buenos Aires

Don't cry for me, Argentina! Kobe Bryant's arrival in the Southern Hemisphere would be the capper to a remarkable run for our southern neighbor, who would forget all about Manu Ginobili and Angel Cabrera as soon as Kobe crossed the Equator.

Argentina has more to offer the Lakers in trade than most NBA observers realize. With their secret race of genetically engineered Nazi Supermen, and their strong chances to retake the Falklands from a Britain that's lost all taste for armed conflict following the Iraq experience, they just might have what it takes to sway Buss.

For Kobe, Buenos Aires would give him a chance to make his historical mark on basketball for an entire continent, as well as the opportunity to show his range as a torch singer. The pantaloons may be surprisingly hard for the Mamba to resist. Finally, it wouldn't be much of a switch for him, time zone wise. So he's got that going for him.

4. Detroit

As an elite team that's grown stale and lost their identity, the Pistons fit the profile of a Lakers suitor. A sign and trade move with Chauncey Billups and the playoff-weak Tayshaun Prince makes sense here, as it gives the Lake Show a long and longer front court of Odom, Prince and Bynum -- possibly effective in the Jazz-Spurs big man West.

For the Pistons, Kobe joins a team of defensive minded players and Chris Webber, and he'll enjoy working with big men who can actually catch the ball. The lack of a point guard is a little bit disturbing, but Kobe dominates the ball as is, and the Pistons might have more than they think in Carlos Delfino.

While the Pistons don't usually come up in trade talk, Joe Dumars is smart enough to know that this roster isn't getting any better, and not afraid to make difficult decisions (witness Darko). While Billups won't provide the star power that LA might need to fill seats in a post-Kobe era, watching him go against Sam Cassels might be enough.

(Ed. Note / Update - Whoops. Delfino dealt to the Raps for second round picks. Oh well.)

3. Washington, DC

With the town in a tizzy over Gilbert Arenas's contract, Chocolate City may be the perfect place to receive Kobe. As a lobbyist, he could supplement his off-court income with lucrative K Street work, giving the same kind of public approval magic to either the Dems or the Republicans.

A sign and trade with Arenas makes sense here, but that's not the only possibility. The Wiz could also offer up Antawn Jamison, who always looks good from a distance, and the Lakers could throw good money after bad by getting back Caron Butler. Provided he's still in the league, Kwame Brown is always an option here, too.

In the District, Kobe would head up an exciting offensive team that's lacking in quality big men. That should be a welcome change for the local fans.

2. Miami

The greatest soap opera in NBA history returns as the Heat move heaven (the injury-prone Dwayne Wade) and earth (the donut-laden Antoine Walker) to the West, putting Shaq and Kobe back together in the worst sequel since Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Impossible, you say? Sure, but you haven't taken into account Pat Riley's ego, stung by the first-round exit and Shaq's dalliances with obese children. For at least 1-2 seasons, this would work like old times, and in the East and with the state of Florida happy to consume second-run shows, it's a win all around. For extra fun, keep an eye on how Gary Payton and Alonzo Mourning react -- because they are always fun to be around in a potentially awful situation!

1. Hell

Kobe's going here soon enough, so why not speed things along? NBA teams have shown more willingness to deal with the Father of All Lies than most professional leagues, and Hell has much to offer in the way of winged demons, temptations of gold and plunder, and untold cursed souls, wailing in torment, to fill the seats at the Staples Center no matter how long the Lakers rebuilding project could take. That all spells cap relief, a must for any deal involving Kobe.

For Kobe, Hell would offer any number of ironic punishments early, but we're confident that with the skills he's shown so far in his NBA career, he'd ascend quickly in the Lord of the Flies's perpertual wailing offense. Kobe's strong drive and dish game would also play hell in Hell's corporate arena in the frozen lake of Corpadverticus, where the home-court advantage is truly profound.

From a fan's perspective, I'm rooting for #1. Pick your favorite destination in the comments, if you are so moved...

Top 10 Things Kobe Loves More Than The Lakers

Inspired by the Mamba's own words... Strength and Honor! KOBE UBER ALLES!

10) "Winning"

9) A really nice slice of cantaloupe, served at brunch

8) Non-consensual anal sex (allegedly)

7) Not paying too much for this muffler

6) Cheating on his wife, then paying her off with garish jewelry he buys at the freaking mall

5) A night at the opera, and breakfast the next day

4) Physically abusing foreigners

3) Keeping it real

2) Feuding with the only dominant big man he'll likely ever have a teammate outside of All-Star Games, greasing the skids for his departure, thus ensuring a treadmill run to .500 for the rest of his career as a Laker

1) Um, Kobe. Duh...

Five Utterly Random Points

1) Tiger loses the US Open -- and at least this time, it wasn't Jesus's fault.

Yes, it is unfair to frame it in this way, but that's just the way it is when you're that much better than everyone else. We can safely assume that Woods' just doesn't miss his dad that much anymore.

Big props, finally, to Angel Cabrera for making his first tournament win a major, while sitting on his ass in the clubhouse and over par. The American dream, but Argentinian.

2) Carlos Zambrano loses a no-hitter and game. Even sweeter, for the haters, then Schilling's lost no-hitter. You've got to love the Cubs' year... bad *and* entertaining. This would never have happened if Lou Pinella was alive.

3) After leading the NBX.com challenge all week, it all fell apart for me late, with the A's and Mets letting me down when I needed them most. As far as I'm concerned. Dave Stewart only has two balls.

We finished second in a bad week for the contest. By the way, if you want to pick games and get into the action on this, drop me a line.

4) Barry Bonds hits home run #748 in the final game of a Red Sox sweep. It was clutch, though -- it made an 8-3 game into an 8-4 game.

The loss drops the Giants to 10 games back in their division, 9 games out of the wild card, and only half a game out of second to last game in the entire National League. (Fun fact: last place is the Reds, as those resurgent Nats are now just 9 games under .500.)

I'm shocked to discover that a team that ties 20% of its salary into an ancient and divisive player who is playing just for the sake of setting a record doesn't have a good won-loss record. Shocked!

However, there was a nice moment for Barry to give props to Wakefield for not walking him. Like a knuckleballer has any idea whether he's walking a guy or not...

5) Prince Fielder hit an inside the park home run (it was a towering pop up that got lost in the roof at the Homerdome). Not to get all Jayson Stark on you, but we're pretty sure that's not happening again, ever.

Also, big props to Fielder the Younger for his impersonation of a runaway beer truck going around Turn 3. We haven't seen baserunning like this since John Kruk had both testes. (Rim-job shot...)

A Real Baseball Crowd Question

A quick question for everyone who goes to baseball games in cities that also have pro football teams...

How often do cheers for the football team crop up during the game?

Because you can, and do, hear E-A-G-L-E-S during just about every Phillies game. It's usually not meant in kindness.

When I was in the Bay Area, I never heard a Niners chant at a Giants game. I think I heard a Raiders chant once or twice at an A's game, but it was pretty rare (to be honest, real A's fans often hate the Raiders, because they ruin the outfield and their fans only show up in big games, then act badly).

I've been to see games in Baltimore, Chicago, Boston, New York, Detroit, Cleveland... no chants for the fall team. Only here.

So what is it, folks -- do other towns do this and I've just missed it, or is Philadelphia, for all intents and purposes, a single pro team town now?

For the record, I'm not casting blame on anyone for doing this. The Phillies are what they have been for a very long time -- a more or less direction-free collection of good talent and questionable front office moves, just good enough to be in a race, just bad enough, especially in critical pitching roles, to not be a serious threat. By recent standards, this team is likable and exciting, and being only 2 games back of the Mets / 3 out of the wildcard is encouraging.

Besides, this isn't Seattle. You can boo here. You pay for a ticket, and yet, you still have free speech. We're kind of quaint that way.

Anyway... I just can't shake the feeling that even a World Series win wouldn't make this area a baseball town again. Hence, the Eagles chants.

In other news: 42 days until training camp opens. Happy Father's Day, y'all.

Jerry Buss Checks His Voicemail

(Machine voice) You have five new messages...

Message 1...

Jerry? This is Kobe. Look, I've been thinking it over, and I've decided that I really do need a trade after all. I know this puts you in a big bind and all, but I really think that the the best thing for the Lakers and myself would be a fresh start somewhere else. Thanks. (BEEP)

Message 2...

Jerry, it's Kobe. Look, forget what I just said in that last message. You know how emotional I get, what with the whole first round exits, and not having any good veteran teammates since you made me fight with Shaq. It's just like Colorado all over again, and I want to say that I really appreciate your support back then, especially when the cops were all over me. You've been like a father to me through thick and thin, and it's just that I care so much about the Lakers, it makes me say these crazy things.

Don't you worry, Pops. I'm a Laker for Life. Late. (BEEP)

Message 3...

Look, old man, if you don't want to do the single courtesy of returning my phone messages, you know what? I do want a fucking trade. Isiah, I'm sure he'd be available to me, no matter what the hour. He told me he loves me -- yeah, that's right, love, you frigid... (BEEP)

Message 4...

I KNOW YOU'RE THERE, JERRY. I know you think this is a big joke, making me get all crazy like this, screening your messages, leaking stories to the press. You think Dwayne Wade has to put up with this shit? You think Tim Duncan can't talk to his coach and owner whenever he wants? Of course, I bet you'd rather have Duncan, wouldn't you? Makes his teammates better, dominates defensively, never talks to the press -- I bet you'd just love having him over me, wouldn't you? ANSWER ME, BITCH! PICK UP THE GODDAMN... (BEEP)

Message 5...

(Weeping) (BEEP)

In Case You Forgot, Bud Selig Is An Utter Waste of Sperm and DIgnity

Yes, MLB is back with its attack on the biggest thing that's threatening the game right now -- fantasy leagues not paying them for statistics. (Hat tip, Deadspin.)

We have nothing to add to this at this time -- oh, there *will* be something later, you can be sure -- but we have just three questions for the worst commissioner ever.

1) If this is such a problem, why doesn't the NFL do what you are doing? (Answer: Because they aren't the most venal and stupid people in sports. That's your job.)

2) Independent of the merit of your argument, why are you antagonizing people who are choosing to spend more time with your product... *and* are prone to driving the media and PR message for your league, as they are, you know, people with access to media?

3) Do you have a fatal disease or illness, or is my voodoo doll not working?

Top 10 Signs You're Missing The NFL A Little Too Much

10. You have watched NFL Europe -- OK, forget that, no one's watched NFL Europe. Your thumbs hurt and you're going blind from playing Madden

9. You have already picked out your fantasy team name

8. You watched the NFL Draft

7. You are already planning out your tailgating strategy (this year: beer-filled)

6. You've watched Arena Ball

5. You're reading this because you habitually search Google for new posts about the NFL

4. You've watched the NFL Network

3. You answer "Yes" to more than two of these questions

2. You are genuinely excited about watching pre-season football

1. Reading this list made you want to go tackle someone

A moment from my commute

Man, on cell phone, talking loudly, on an otherwise quiet train. He can be heard for a good 50 feet.

Woman, sounding unhinged, three rows from him. "SHUT UP!"

Man continues to talk at same volume.

Woman, more unhinged, louder. "SHUT UP!"

Rest of train starts looking spooked.

Man quiets down and is not heard from again.

Conductor asks who said that.

Train full of people stare out the windows. Suddenly, we're all back in elementary school. No one wants to be a tattletale, but we all know who did it.

Woman owns up to it.

Conductor tells he that was very rude.

Woman plays the "He started it" card.

Conductor cuts her off with another admonishment -- as if that's polite.

Eventually, he collects her ticket, and dispenses life advice that you'd expect from the parent of an unruly five year old.

The woman responds with continued petulance and ire towards Loud Talker, along with the accusation that he was giving her a headache. (I smell lawsuit!)

Rest of train tries to stare out window or read books or fill their bloghole for the day.

FTT has a friend and reader (yes, I know you're surprised) for whom, we are certain, this situation would have involved a sudden and intimidating amount of ire.

In this situation, we see him, in our minds' eye, getting up to stare down the loud talker after about a minute, and saying something that would have either elevated or ended the situation.

He would have seen the vast majority of the rest of the passengers, who suffered Loud Talker in silence, as ball-free sheep.

He's probably right. He's also probably reading this. (Finally, he's ex-military. Just to give you the full picture.)

Because, at the end of the experience, you're either the oblivious guy who caused the situation, the very dramatic person who took it upon themselves to fix it, or someone who would choose not to be bothered.

It should be noted that the rest of my commute was in silence, which allowed me to create this little moment of timewaste. And that, in our experience on both coasts, you get more of the agitator and confronter in the East.

So, FTT Nation... be you sheep, myopian, or dramatist?

As the outside journalistic observer of all this, we abstain from choosing a role -- and any lack of comments will confirm our opinion.

BAA!

Now, Not Later: The Focus of the Spurs

There is a wish, amongst those of us who still pay attention to the NBA (I know, it's theoretical, but at least we're not at the NHL level yet), to just get this season over with, put it in the books, give the Spurs their five minutes of huzzah and get on to what's *really* important.

Candidates for that include:

> Whether or not Greg Oden is a young Bill Russell, or secretly older than Bill Russell

> How Kevin Durant's weak as a kitten arms will somehow keep him from destiny -- being a slightly better Rashard Lewis

> How much of a stiff the tall Chinese guy (Yi Jianlian) will turn out to be, and what team will cause their fans to rip out their hair and take him

> Which member of Florida's frontcourt will translate into this draft's Chris Bosh (i.e., off the radar early, and possibly better than all of them late)

> Whether or not the Hawks will pass on a can't miss point guard yet again, so they can see just a little bit more of Tyronn Lue and Speedy Claxton

> How the Sixers will package all of their picks together to ensure their continued .450 existence as a phenomenally irrelevant team in a city that is quickly forgetting that it really loves basketball

> The bare minimum that Isiah Thomas can do to remain employed, and continue to make life easy for those of us who like to blog about the NBA

> Which team will overpay for Chauncey Billups

> Who would win in a Find Your Ass contest: Flip Saunders or Mike Brown (my money's on Mike, but only because he's got a bigger ass, and he puts his thumb in it so often)

> Whether or not Shaq, in a fit of hunger, will eat a dieting child on his reality show this summer

See, I just ripped off ten future points without really trying. My mind's in the future too. It's something we all do.

But in all of that -- the stuff that is, simply, more interesting than the Worst Finals Ever and the Worst Season Ever -- there's a simple but telling point... none of us, with the noted and extreme exception of the San Antonio Spurs, are living in the present moment when we dwell on these things.

We're all off in some wild blue future yonder, where the games are more interesting, the new lineups are more compelling, and Bill Walton is a silent figure on aging footage, throwing an outlet pass.

If Drew Gooden has ever, in his entire NBA career, devoted himself fully and entirely into the game... well, I'll eat my hat. In ten years, when he gets released and looks at a closet with 7 uniforms in it, he might -- might -- have a fleeting memory of what it was like to be in the Finals, having a Hall of Famer carry his water.

Watch LeBron James, clearly fouled on the final play of Game 3, shrug it off in five minutes and give Bruce "The Hitman" Bowen a mouth job for his 13 points in that game.

I hate to invoke Saint Jordan here, but how do you think he would have played this? No one wants to remember this, but the '90s Icon rode the refs worse than anyone this side of Larry Bird.

He also got the calls.

And when Jordan lost a series, early in his career, he wasn't concerned about his global marketing in the aftermath. Instead, he was creating new and exciting holes in his teammates.

Why? Because Jordan was entirely in the moment (no, I'm not saying heat -- I've looked at enough YouTube videos of that for one lifetime, thank you). Jordan was entirely committed to winning. He'd rather lose a family member than a game. He'd rather lose his livelihood than a bet.

This makes him a highly flawed human being, and a pretty terrible GM. It also made people want to watch him play basketball.

And that's not what they saw from the Cavs, despite James having (shh!) a better all-around game than Jordan did at the same time in their careers.

The Spurs? Hitman Bowen does not care that he's got a worse reputation in the league now than Ron Artest. Robert Horry's sole goal in life is to fill his hands with rings, so that he can win his game of Championship Ring Whip It Out with Scottie Pippen.

Manu Ginobili, for all of his flops and soccer theatrics, puts his nose into more contact than Steve Nash. Tony Parker sublimates his scoring to feed Tim Duncan. Tim Duncan sublimates his scoring to feed Tony Parker. Both of them take charges when they don't have to, fight through picks in blowouts, and make teammates that weren't this intense in other locations -- you think it's a coincidence that Jacques Vaughn and Brent Barry could stay in front of the Cavs' penetration, while Gibson, Pavlovic, et al could not do the same? -- suck it up.

And even in Game 3, when they had absolutely no legs, bounces or rhythm, they won on the road, mostly because they had the presence of mind to not do dumb things. Game Four, they got to every board and made just about every free throw. They focus.

On the final truly competitive play of this season, Anderson Varejao tried to penetrate and score from 25 feet away, against the best defensive big man in the game. One suspects that his head was in his own little video game, where Anderson has given his avatar God skills, or something. No matter what, it wasn't in the game.

The Spurs do not have that issue. They do not care who their first round draft pick is. They are not worried about who their coach will be. They have no meaningful free agent or salary cap issues. They don't really care what the Mavs are going to do, or the Suns, or any other team. They worry about these things as much as a lion would worry about what the gazelles are plotting.

When you live in the moment, you have power. You aren't multi-tasking, procrastinating, serving two masters or distracting yourself with doubt. You are a laser, a machine, a simple device that is monomanical in its focus. You are the Spurs, a team that takes care of today while everyone else is thinking about tomorrow.

And so, you win today, and probably tomorrow as well.

Spurs-Cavs, Game Four, Fourth Quarter Diary

11:09 - Back to six as Van Gundy and Breen feign excitement. In general, comebacks work better when you score.

11:10 - After a Cavs putback, it's a 4 point game. This is Donyell Marshall's finest moment in the Finals. And yes, that's the first time anyone has ever written that sentence. Ever.

11:14 - Man, is Eric Snow lobbying for a coach's job or what? Of course, nature does abhor a vacuum...

11:15 - Spurs turnover leads to James driving. He's looking Uberish, but still can't finish. He's giving it up to Marshall instead. That always works! Marshall makes 1 of 2 free throws, and the Cavs cut it to 3.

11:17 -- It's like a basketball game... and yet not. Careless Cavs turnover leads to a Spurs bucket, but Parker misses again.

11:18 - JAMES CUTS IT TO ONE! WE ARE ALL WITNESSES! COME BACK, AUDIENCE!

11:19 - Bad Spurs possession, and the Cavs can take the lead... Bowen flops, no call -- James drives and scores, and the Cavs have a second half lead for the first time in the series. It kind of helps LeBron to have Oberto guarding him (WTF?)...

11:20 - Manu miss, James miss... Varejao tip board. Gibson draws a foul, then drives and hits. 3 point game, 11-0 run to start the quarter.

11:21 - Duncan reminds the world he's Tim Duncan. 63-62. The Cavs get two bad three point misses from Marshall and Jones (isn't that what they are supposed to be, you know, for?), but Varejao's finest flop of the series gets the Cavs the ball back.

It's still a one point game, and there's 5:50 left. First team to 75 wins!

11:23 - My local ABC affiliate has the same anchorman that was here when I was a kid. Jim Gardner, HD is doing you no favors.

11:25 - James miss, and then Manu rips all of the air out of the building on a crossover. With a Duncan tip of a free throw miss, it's suddenly a 3-point Spurs lead. Absolutely killer.

11:26 - James goes to the rack so that no one can accuse him of not being AGGRESSIVE. After a bail out call, he hits 1 of 2. Two point game, five minutes left.

11:27 - James steal after a Parker mistake, Varejao slams... and Manu kills them again with a very deep 3. Spurs lead by 3. It's almost exciting.

11:28 -- Duncan saves another offensive board as flopping happens all over the floor... and the Spurs get another board. This possession has lasted for five minutes... and it ends with an Oberto layup with foul, which he hits.

This was the defining moment of this game and Finals -- the Spurs playing volleyball, the Cavs making mistakes, Duncan asserting his will, ending with a Spurs role player finishing. It was sloppy and a grind, and it's what this team is.

11:33 -- OK, coming out of a Mike Brown time out, down 6 with 2:33 left. I'm thinking a Snow three. Or maybe Varejao.

11:34 - Duncan strips James. Spurs run clock, then score on an Oberto layup. Fork time... but James hits a 3. He'll need 4 or 5 more of those...

11:35 - Manu a long 3 and miss, James with an unforced turnover on the long board. You can't expect to beat a team like the Spurs when you make mistakes like this... and again, Duncan grabs the offensive board. Six o-boards for the Spurs in the fourth, to 2 for the Cavs. 5 point game with 77 seconds left.

11:36 - Manu runner, James miss, game over. Thank you, Spurs. No one needed another game of this... and the Cavs more or less give up by not trapping. A fitting end of non-coaching for this one...

11:38 - OK, the ad guys who made the McDonald's "Fillet-O-Fish" ad? You're guilty of crimes against humanity, and you make decent people spit.

11:39 - James hits a layup, Manu fouled. 24 seconds, 5 points. Unfortunately, the Cavs don't have Reggie Miller, and the Spurs were the first to 75. Manu, of course, hits both. He's got 23, 9 in the fourth.

11:40 - Varejao dunks, fouls. One more minute, America, and it's all over. Michael Finley, wearing his Mitch Richmond Memorial Participant Ring, hits 1 of 2.

11:41 - Damon Jones fouled while shooting a 3. Remarkably dumb play by Manu, but it shouldn't matter... because, um, the Cavs didn't foul before, since that would have made sense... Jones makes all 3. WE HAVE DRAMA! Tiny, stillborn drama...

11:44 - Somewhere in Cleveland, someone is making the point that the Jones free throws are the Cavs' Dave Roberts steal moment. (2004 Red Sox, Yankees, yada yada yada.)

That person is drunk.

11:45 - Duncan inbounds, Manu fouled. If he misses two, this gets a lot more interesting. He, of course, hits both. 25 now, 5 point lead with 7 seconds left.

11:46 - Mike Breen says "It appears Cleveland will run out of time." Um, Mike? Play this one as long as you like. Throw away the clock. The Spurs would win. When you sweep a team, and that team only led for a few minutes, you didn't run out of time. You just got beat.

11:47 - James hits a 3, but the Cavs' coaches and players are too busy eating paste to foul Manu before he runs seconds off the clock. Manu rattles both home to clinch. Jones hits a 3 to make people who didn't watch think it was more exciting than it was. 83-82, Spurs.

It's the Spurs third championship in the past five years, which means they'll lose next year, right? I keed, Spur Fan, I keed...

11:55 - The remaining Cavs fans boo the Spurs and the trophy, and David Stern. You have to admire the bitterness. Parker gets the MVP, and you have to feel good for that, because nice things just don't happen to him. He's the first European-board player to be the Finals MVP.

Well, that's it for the diary. Thanks for reading, and we'll have more soon...

Spurs-Cavs, Game Four, Third Quarter Diary

10:41 - Wow, I missed a lot. 44-40 at the half, Spurs. It's a shootout!

10:42 - James misses an open three, Manu hits. Finals in microcosm.

10:43 - Tim Duncan just admitted he committed a foul. I feel we need to encourage that kind of thing. Ziggy makes both to cut it to 5. Parker decides to hit another 3, just so that the league knows he's got range now, too. Parker with ranger is like a grizzly bear with frickin' chain saws...

10:45 - Mark Jackson just said, "It's tough to take." Yes, Mark. For all 62 remaining people in the audience...

10:46 - Halfway through the third, it's Spurs by 9, with the Cavs having a big 2 points so far. Can a team start giving points back with misses?

10:47 - The Cavs have not led in the second half at any point in the Finals. Now, that's drama!

10:48 - Jon Cusack can't get out of a room, and may die there. That describes several office jobs I've had.

And this series...

10:51 - ABC asks who the best player in the league is since Jordan. It's got to be Duncan, in my opinion -- he's always in shape, he doesn't get swept in a playoff, and his teams aren't that good.

But if you want to argue Iverson, I'll think you're kind.

10:52 - Gooden scores off a nice feed from James, rudely interrupting our random thoughts during a dull game. Manu answers with a free throw to keep the lead at 8.

10:54 - Ziggy on the block eats 15 seconds of clock. Gibson throws up desperation. Ziggy with the board, gets snuffed by Duncan inside. Has a 7'-3" player ever been less effective in close? Oh, right, just like every big man against Duncan. 9 point lead.

10:55 - My HD goes dark for a second. Helpful.

10:56 - Parker hits, and the Spurs have their largest lead of the game -- 11. The crowd is more or less silent.

Hey, here's a positive thought -- this series won't be close enough for anyone to throw anything on the court at the end. That's a win, right?

10:57 - James hits a hard one, Parker gets a lay up. I think the Spurs can start thinking about running some clock.

10:59 - Horry fouls James in his bid to be remembered. Sparking a late run, the Cavs could be under 50 for three quarters. Riveting!

11:01 - A Gibson 3 cuts it to 8. My does that feel like 20?

11:02 - James gets away with a foul on a held ball with Horry. Bob, you can pretty much forget about getting the benefit of the doubt on such things...

11:03 - James steals the tap and gets called on it, which never happens. The crowd serenades us with 'Bullshit' as ABC moves quickly to commercial. Who knew they still cared enough to get mad?

End of the quarter, and it's Spurs 60, Cavs 52. Can James summon up a quarter to give us 4 more of these, or will mercy prevail? Wake the pets and phone the neighbors!

Spurs-Cavs, Game Four, First Quarter Diary

Well, I've decided to go for maximum masochism here, and pick this mess up from the very beginning. In other news, I'm going to listen to any David Blaine commercials, and I'm wearing clothes pins on my nipples. Just thought you should, you know, get the full picture here.

9:07 - Gibson and Gooden look lively. Cavs with legs. Crowd's kinda peppy. It all adds up to... 7-4 after a James mid-range jumper. How will the Spurs respond to this remarkable surge? Sorry, I was channeling Bill Walton there.

9:10 - Finley doesn't get the Reggie Miller memorial call.

9:11 - Duncan walks, but gets the bailout bump from Gooden. That's dumb play number one from Drew...

9:12 - Duncan misses both free throws, gets the board, misses. Maybe it is Cleveland's night - that goes in every game before this one.

9:13 - Gooden misses a bad jumper choice, creating a fast break the other way. Dumb Drew, Number 2... Parker now in playoff game #100. He's 25, but with those miles, more like 27. Something to remember if you own him in a keeper league...

9:13 - Gibson nails a long 3 after an offensive board. 10-5 Cavs, Spurs still look lethargic. We see Leisure Suit Larry Hughes... in a yellow suit, on the bench. He looks good there.

9:14 - Ilgauskas, falling away, in the post against Duncan. A no hope shot. Why do the Cavs post a guy who can't do it? Oh, because their coach eats paste. I forgot.

9:15 - Duncan misses point blank, Ziggy responds with a mid-range jumper to make it 12-8. Oh, you mean he actually has utility there? Maybe they should, you know, KEEP HIM OUT THERE. IN THE HOPE THAT DUNCAN MOVES AWAY FROM THE POST.

I don't mean to overstate the case here -- the Spurs win this thing even if Mike Brown is allowed to have sharp scissors. But it's galling to watch.

9:17 - I like Steve Carell. I loke Morgan Freeman. Making them act against animals on a blue screen? That just makes Baby Jesus cry.

9:18 - ABC wants us to watch bingo. No, seriously. What's next, keno? Paint drying?

9:19 - Cavs get a steal out of the timeout. LeBron follows up with AGGRESSION! that doesn't work for him, and the Spurs inevitable fast break leads to free throws. Note that while the Spurs are methodical, this doesn't mean they are slow; they run when it's there. As always, efficiency over all.

9:20 - Gooden driving, would have dunked on anyone else in the league. Unfortunately for him, the Spurs have Duncan. Bowen hoop makes it 12-11.

9:21 - James has his mid-range jumper tonight. The game might be watchable. Manu continues to struggle, but Parker goes into warp drive -- remarkable quicks. Gibson responds with confidence.

9:22 - Parker, of course, DOES NOT CARE. This gives us a Longoria shot. Are they getting married or something? Manu scores to give the Spurs the lead, and the cavs call time.

while this has been the best played basketball of the Finals... it's still... well... not all that good. And such small portions!

9:25 - Rush Hour 3! Hallelujah! I had so many questions at the end of the last one.

9:28 -- Miss and miss after the timeout. Spus respond with a shuffling walk layup by Oberto. James then fires into double coverage. Mike James has placed his thumb into his ass. All is well.

9:29 - Varejao hits, then James gets Bowen moving the wrong way, drives and finishes. Another 200 of those, we've got a series. Cavs lead, 20-19.

9:31 - Jeff van Gundy tells us that Varejao thinks he made the right play in Game 3. Sure he did! HE'S SPECIAL! DON'T UPSET HIM, OR HE'LL EAT COACH BROWN'S PASTE!

9:32 - Bad final shot possession by the Spurs ends with Bruce "The Hitman" Bowen hitting James in the face for no call. What does this guy have to do to get the refs to give him the goon treatment? Somewhere, Ken "The Animal" Bannister is grunting in disapproval.

That's the end of the quarter, and by the standards of this series, we have Big Entertainment. Come back, audience that never was here in the first place!

(Ed. Note: No second quarter diary tonight. Parenting intrudes.)

Top 10 Signs That Red Sox Nation Is Starting To Lose It

10. Heartfelt complaints about Curt "Bloggy McBlogger Mouth" Schilling's inconsistency

9. The unspeakably eerie coincidences to 1978. Did you know Ron Guidry IS NOW THE YANKEE PITCHING COACH? He must be telling them how to make up the deficit!

8. Sudden realization that David Ortiz is suddenly, tragically, fat

7. Sports bloggers are beginning to delight in your misery

6. Conspiracy theories about how Julio Lugo can't get on base since he stopped groping himself

5. This just in -- Jon Papelbon's hurt.

Psych!

Hey, easy there with the knife, Chowd. Maybe you should switch to decaf.

4. Josh Beckett is 9-0. His winning percentage is bound to go down!

3. Terry Francona has never managed a team with this kind of lead before. HE'S GONNA BLOW IT!

2. Manny Ramirez is three days away from his latest trade request

1. No more questions about their Magic Number

FTT Explains NASCAR To Our Seven Year Old Daughter

Ed Note: This fulfills our annual Sports Blogger requirement to say something about NASCAR. This gets harder every year...

Every weekend, a bunch of white guys get together to drive really fast.

They don't really go anywhere.

When they have to pee, they don't stop to go to the bathroom.

Instead, they pee on themselves.

When they run low on gas or wear out their tires, they fill up and change them really quickly.

Eventually, someone messes up and nearly kills himself, and others.

It's kind of like fireworks.

Only with more injuries, and sometimes, deaths.

The people watching are also white.

They drink grown up drink and yell.

No girls do this.

Probably because girls don't generally want to pee their pants.

No, we're not going.

Now go to bed!

Dan Wheeler, You Heated Man

From the AP...

Houston reliever Dan Wheeler blew a save, then shoved starter Chris Sampson in the dugout on Wednesday night, an ugly twist to the Astros' frustrating season.

Wheeler left after giving up three runs in the eighth inning Wednesday night, and the Oakland Athletics got a rare home run from Jason Kendall in the sixth and rallied for a 7-3 victory.

Sampson, who pitched seven strong innings, tried to console Wheeler when he came back to the dugout. Wheeler turned and shoved Sampson with both hands, then yelled at Sampson to go to the other end of the dugout...

Sampson said the outburst shouldn't be blown out of proportion.

"It's not a big deal," he said. "There's no issues there. I think of Dan like a big brother. It was bad timing on my part. I was trying to pat him on the back and tell him, 'We'll get them next time.'

"He was in the heat of the moment."

Everybody dance!



Who will make it three? Jose Lima, a nation turns its lonely eyes to you...

Michael Barrett, You Heated Man

From ESPN.com...

Michael Barrett says he has already moved on past his second dugout argument with a Cubs pitcher in two weeks. Whether fans and teammates will let it go remains to be seen.

Barrett, who got into a dugout shoving match and then a clubhouse brawl with Carlos Zambrano during a game earlier this month, had a heated discussion with left-hander Rich Hill in the fourth inning of Chicago's 5-3 loss to the Seattle Mariners on Tuesday night. Cameras trained on the Cubs dugout caught the two arguing after Hill gave up an RBI single to Seattle pitcher Jarrod Washburn.

"It was the heat of the moment," Barrett said.

From FTT's Exclusive Cubs Locker Room Cameras, here's Barrett and Hill later. I think that's Derek Lee walking in at the end.



Update -- Looks like Barrett's grabbing some pine. Work on your dancing!

Further Update -- Cubbies send Barrett to San Diego for a bucket of balls. Cub Nation, your long national nightmare is over. They're going to the Series now!

Worst. NBA Season. Ever. ?

We blame Tony Parker. But seriously, folks...

As we continue to endure a playoff season that began as the best party ever before it changed into a Waco-level tragedy, our only question is... will this be remembered as the worst (non-lockout) season ever in the NBA?

The case for:

> Wildly noncompetitive and mostly unwatchable Finals, devoid of any drama or suspense

> At least a half dozen teams, most obviously the Celtics, threw games to better their draft position

> SunsGate and FoulGate (i.e., last night's Bowen/James no-call) will cause many to view the champions as illegitimate

> The continued existence of Bill Walton

> Trade deadline with no trades shows a league filled with GMs with no balls

> Isiah Thomas has a job

> Personal reason -- my team (the Sixers) may have never been less relevant to the Association

> Competitive imbalance between conferences has gone beyond Majors vs. AAA to Majors vs. AA

> Regular season tank jobs, both for entire teams to better their lottery chances, and for superstars not wanting to peak before the playoffs, made fantasy leagues a complete joke

> The Cavs are the worst team to appear in an NBA Finals ever, and their head coach would eat paste during the games, if he could only figure out how to get the jar open

The case against:

> Talent level is the highest of any major American team sport -- and yes, that includes the NFL, because there isn't more than six QBS you should pay to see right now

> Defensive intensity and physical fitness of players is so good, it may be a detriment

> The Warriors made the playoffs for the first time since Kurt Cobain was alive

> Mark Cuban got his comeuppance

> David Stern has fixed worse problems than this, and will do so again

> The lottery made Bill Simmons and the Celtics cry like the spoiled children they are (see reason above)

> TNT's "Inside the NBA" crew exists

> The position of "Point Guard" may be coming back into vogue (witness the growth of Tony Parker, Deron Williams and Chris Paul)

> NBA sports bloggers like True Hoop, YaySports, Free Darko and yes, begrudgingly, the bombed-out remains of Bill Simmons have upped the ante on coverage and analysis

> Isiah Thomas has a job

And the final verdict is... FOR!

The judges would like to thank Anderson "George Gervin's Short Bus Friend" Varejao for breaking the logjam. We'll be sending him a Participant trophy and some instructions on opening jars of paste. He can enjoy both while watching our new video, "Anderson Varejao: Come Wet The Bed With Me."

Bipolar Baseball Bonanza!

Ed. Note: The first in a possible series of feel-random points from FTT's lightly medicated heart and soul superhero, Bipolar Bear! Join in the fun and agony!

> Curtis Granderson of Detroit leads MLB in triples with 12.

He's on pace for 32, which would be the second-most in a season ever, and the most since 1912. In terms of breaking the norms, would be like hitting 70 home runs!

Of course, he won't keep up this pace. This kind of thing never happens.

Much later on, he will die. We all die. And rot, and are forgotten.

> Josh Beckett is 9-0, the first time a Red Sox pitcher has won nine straight games to start the season since Clemens, and the fifth-best start in franchise history. Clemens holds the record with 14-0 in 1986.

With 20 or so starts left in the season, Beckett has a reasonable chance to have the most wins in the regular season for a Boston pitcher since, well, Clemens.

He usually gets hurt though. Blisters.

He also had an 5.01 ERA last year, which means this could all be just a mirage.

I feel cold. And my dog is sick.

> The Yankees are .500.

I guess that's OK. Or not.

> Chicago's baseball teams are a combined 55-67, and both are substantially behind in the wild-card race. The White Sox have been shut out five times, which is tied for the most in the American League.

Chicago's baseball fans must feel sad, since the team on the North Side is torturing an old man, while the team on the South Side couldn't score in Tijuana with unmarked twenties and the ability to tell girls that you only have three months to live.

But on the other hand, shutouts are nifty! They usually end quickly, which gives me more time to feed ice cream to puppies. I like puppies a lot! And they like ice cream.

If my dog dies, maybe we can get a new puppy. Yay! New puppy!

> Cleveland is atop the Central, riding high on the dominance of CC Sabathia and Fausto Carmona. The two pitchers have combined for an 16-3 record, with a 3 run ERA.

Carmona's WHIP is higher than you'd like to see, and he doesn't strike many guys out... but that's OK because he's doing it with a great sinkerball. He's also never pitched this many innings before. Sabathia has, but CC struggles with weight and throws a lot of pitches this year.

The Indians haven't won the World Series since 1948, and I own Carmona in my fantasy league. He can't possibly keep this up, no one will give me anything in trade for him.

Soon, the Bush Administration will invade Iran, provoking war throughout the region, the use of nuclear weapons, rampant hyperinflation through oil instabilities, leading to martial law and an eternal Republican Presidency. Dissenters will be imprisoned, and my FTT T-Shirt will make me an ironic favorite among the other prisoners for forced sodomy.

On the other hand, my local supermarket has a buy one, get one free special on Stephen Colbert’s "Americone Dream" ice cream. That’s really good ice cream. My dog loves it. I think she’s feeling better.

> Justin Verlander of the Tigers gets a no hitter.

Dave Stewart at NBX gave the edge to the Brewers in that pitching matchup. I should give him a call. He's probably feeling very sad right now. Or happy. It's hard to tell.

> The Phillies, after not registering a shutout for the first 60 games of the year, have logged two in the last week. Adam Eaton did it last night, while Jon Lieber had a complete game gem last week in Kansas City.

Lieber dedicated the win to his new baby boy. That's really great. Maybe someday, Daddy Lieber will take his kid into his really big truck and let him sound the horn. The little guy would certainly get a thrill out of that!

When he's older, Lieber's kid will probably wonder why his dad helped to eradicate all life on the earth through his huge contribution to global warming. "Why, Daddy, why?" he'll say, his tears muffled by the gas mask that all humans will have to wear, as he surveys the hellish dystopia that will be our planet.

But hey, that's tomorrow. Today, that's a really big truck. I bet you could bring home a lot of ice cream with it.

Spurs-Cavs, Game Three, Fourth Quarter Diary

11:05 -- $15,000 for a scalper seat in this game. I'm thinking the person who bought that isn't loving the purchase right now.

11:06 - Donyell Marshall and Damon Jones, on the floor at once, in a close game. Wow, this is an NBA Finals team. Scary.

11:07 - Manu with miss number 6. Marshall matching him, miss for miss. Barry does what Barry does, giving the Spurs an 8-point lead. You know, it's a shame someone has to win this game.

11:09 - Call me a wuss if you like, but if I see a train in my rear-view mirror, even if it is dispensing beer and a refreshingly cold wind, I'm probably soiling myself.

11:10 -- Adam Sandler *and* Kevin James? Whoa, that's just too much comedy. "Chuck and Larry", that's just unfair!

11:11 -- James clangs for 3. Duncan turns the ball over. Jones misses a 3. Cavs have not taken a free throw in the second half. Aren't you glad I'm watching this, so you don't have to?

11:12 -- James to the hoop, pretty finish and the bonus. Basketball doesn't have to make you want to stab your eyes. Good to know! 60-53, Spurs.

11:14 - Gooden grabs rebound number 10, then hits the open jumper. 5 point game, and a double-double for the Weeper. Duncan, of course, senses the momentum and answers. He's the Terminator of NBA superstars.

11:15 -- Duncan narrowly avoids his fifth foul on a drive from Gooden. He makes both to bring it back to 5 with 7:37 left. Parker does his Duncan impersonation and drills the jumper. Even when they are playing a terrible game, the Spurs are the Spurs.

11:17 -- A Finley three makes it a ten point game, and one suspects that the ratings for Game 4 aren't going to be any better...

11:18 -- Pavlovic hits the Cavs' 2nd three pointer of the night to give them a pulse. 5:44 left -- but you have the feeling that if the Cavs can't win this game unless they go up by 5.

11:23 - James with the hoop and harm, bringing us back. Oh, and for the record, Bowen's heel nickname for tonight is the Brooklyn Bowen. Yeah, I got nothing.

11:24 - Gooden board, 4 point game, but James doesn't want the shot, and the Cavs barf up the possession. Gooden then, in a remarkably stupid play, crushes the man for an offensive board attempt for foul number five. They have to move this guy.

11:25 - James steal, Varejao turnover. LeBron's going to have to carry these slugs.

11:26 - Miss, miss, miss, miss, turnover... Honest, folks, these are the two last teams in the NBA.

11:27 - OK, there are lids on these rims. 67-63 with 2:26 left. Is anyone outside of Texas and Ohio still watching?

11:31 - Gosh, a turnover, followed by an actual foul call. Brooklyn Bowen has no chance with James, and yet James still isn't scoring. LeBron hits both to cut the lead to 2.

11:33 - An 8-0 run for the Cavs... in the last 4:24. Isn't that an 8-0 walk? Or an 8-0 crawl?

11:34 - Gooden fouls out, obviously and badly. Despite the numbers, he's just not, you know, good. Gibson in as the Cavs go small; Duncan hits both to get to 14 points for the night. The idea that the Spurs are in a game where Duncan has 14, and Ginobili has nothing, is just this short of ludicrous. 4 point game.

11:35 - Snow sets up James to get it to 2. Boy, Eric Snow has gotten more out of his talent than anyone in NBA history... and Parker does not care, as he drains a 3.

11:36 - Shootout! Back to back 3s, 2 point lead with 42 seconds left. Parker with a bad turnover... and somehow, Anderson Varejao thinks it's a good idea to go 1-on-1 with Duncan from 20 feet away on the Cavs' most important possession of the Finals.

That, I think, is the ultimate moment for a Mike James team -- Varejao is taking the key shot. Cleveland, you've had The Drive, The Fumble, and The Shot. This is The Stupidity.

Manu responds with a miss to keep the game alive, and it's a 3-point game with 10 seconds left. It'll be up to the Cavs, who are 3 for 18 from 3-point range but 2 for 6 in the fourth quarter, to hit one to keep the game alive.

11:40 - James scores a quick hoop, and Manu is fouled. 5.5 left, 2 shots to make from a guy with one point for the whole night... and, being as these are the Spurs, he makes both. 75-72, Spurs.

11:41 - OK, Mike James has a set-up from the time out. He needs a three to tie; he doesn't have time to get a quick hoop. Who takes the shot -- Eric Snow or Anderson Varejao? With Mike James, *anything* is possible.

11:43 - Jones inbounds to James, who gets open and misses from distance... and LeBron has a legitimate complaint that Bowen fouled him behind the arc, because, well, he did.

Ah, that's fitting. Even when they win, they are going to be known for winning dirty. There should be no controversy, because no one should want to see more of this Series, but that's just an impossible call to miss.

You know, Spurs Fan is going to read this diary and say that FTT is just a hater blog... but in the fourth quarter, it was actually hard for me to keep paying attention. The Cavs shot 36.7%. The Spurs shot 41.1%. The defense, honestly, wasn't that good. This was just a road team trying to give away the game, and the home team not taking it.

Spurs, please -- end this thing in four, and put the Finals out of their misery. I've had dental exams that were more fun than this game.

Cavs-Spurs Diary, Game 3, Third Quarter

Ah, the vagaries of parenting -- cost me the first half, it did. Looks like it cost me as much as LSL's absence has cost the Cavs. Two point lead for the Cavs at the half despite foul trouble for LeBron. You have to admire the refs for not giving away the swerve early.

10:35 - "A rare open look for Parker." Has the series changed that much?

10:37 - It's still Our Country! I was so worried.

10:38 - Only three more days until the secret of the Surfer is revealed. How will I sleep?

10:39 - Pet peeve: let's make the game small while we make some interview large, because the pre-recorded thing is more important than the live action. Um, no.

10:40 - Ilgaukas's best minutes of the series - block, offensive rebound, defensive board. He has a double-double, and doesn't look, you know, completely hopeless right now. 44-42, Spurs.

10:42 - Gosh, Daniel Gibson can stay in front of Parker more than Hughes. Who would have thought this? Oh, right, anyone with eyes that isn't named Mike Brown...

10:43 - Spurs doing what they can to not score. The tape of this one isn't going to Springfield, either. (And doesn't the NBA need a better town name than the Simpson's hometown?)

10:44 - James burns Bowen and scores. VERY AGGRESSIVE. The Spurs respond with an easy interior bucket. You always know who the better team is -- they are the ones scoring easy hoops while the other team is working themselves to death.

10:47 - Pavlovic misses an open three; the Cavs are 1 for 8 for threes tonight. Ziggy collects rebound number 14 -- who saw that coming? -- and Gooden ties it with a tough baby hook. Drama Has Entered The Series!

10:51 - Mike Brown tells his Cavs team that this is a 48 minute game. You're not getting much by Mike Brown.

10:53 - A 48-48 game is... wait for it... a defensive battle! Of course. Manu gets called for a charge, and Popovich sells his disbelief. 0 for 5 for Manu tonight, but Varejao leaves with a flopping injury. You'd think he'd be in better shape for that.

10:55 - Gooden gets his 4th on back to back bad reaches. Brent Barry reminds us how points are scored by putting the ball through the hoop. Novel idea.

10:56 - James responds with a hoop by destroying Bowen, who really can't guard him in the post. The Cavs, after only 2.5 games, have discovered that James can handle Bowen inside. Mike Brown is a coaching genius!

10:58 - Jeff van Gundy makes a Sopranos joke, evading the wrath of Google ombudsmen. Smart move.

10:59 - Well, this is as bad as the Spurs can play, and after a Bowen three, they are up five. Perhaps I erred with that call of Drama.

11:00 - Bowen with the mouth job; Gibson gets hit shooting a 3, gets hit, no call. That was about as ugly as ugly gets. 55-50 for the lowest combined score in NBA Finals history.

OK, David Stern, we'll make this simple -- either you pay me to stop live blogging these games, or they'll keep being this unwatchable. I bet I can keep it up longer than you can.

Top 10 Signs That Game 3 Is In The Bag For The Cavs

For the 87 people planning to watch Game 3 tonight, look for the following telling points that the Cavs be getting a little extra help.

10. Duncan picks up his second foul early. During the jump ball.

9. Bruce Bowen guards Eric Snow instead of LeBron James, just to make things harder on the refs.

8. Mike Brown's substitution patterns make sense. (Sorry, that's from our Top 10 List of Signs the World Is Coming to an End.)

7. The part of Ziggy Ilgauskas is being played by Amare Stoudamire.

6. LeBron James is so AGGRESSIVE, he's painted himself green. LEBRON MAD! LEBRON SMASH!

5. Robert Horry is seen walking around with a steel chair held high over his head for minutes on end, but before he can swing it, Dwight Goooden punches him in the stomach, causing him to buckle over in pain.

4. ABC flashes the final score at halftime.

3. James shoots 20 free throws. In the first quarter.

2. In crunch time, the Spurs go-to guy is Francisco Elson.

1. Anderson Varejao sets the Finals record for most charges taken, and is miraculously unhurt after the game.

Prepare for the drama that only an obvious swerve can deliver!

The Spurs Are Exciting...

If you are a broadcaster who doesn't work for ABC. From MediaPost...

ABC's "NBA Finals" game between the San Antonio Spurs and Cleveland Cavaliers averaged a ho-hum 3.1/8 in 18-49 viewers and 7.7 million viewers overall. That's down 41% from the 5.3/15 in 18-49 viewers and 12.4 million viewers for last year's Game 2 contest between Miami and Dallas.

FTT Gets Whacked

"Shooter, close the door and sit down. We need to talk."

"Um, OK. Say, who the hell are you?"

"Watch your tone, punk. You're in enough trouble as it is."

"Um, OK..."

"My name isn't important. My position is. I am the Sports Blog Ombudsman for Google, who owns Blogspot, Gawker Media, all dot com activity and the code of your DNA. Speaking of which, keep an eye on that colon of yours. It's not going to end well."

(Blinks stupidly)

"That's better. OK, the reason why I've called you in today is that you're showing a huge drop in cultural relevance."

"What? FTT's traffic keeps going up. We keep adding team members. We get comments now and everything. It's not like the old days."

"Shooter, we both know that's because you keep putting words like titty, shaved anal and Tinkerbell Hatefuck in your copy. You think you're the first sports blogger to think of such things? Though I have to admit, Kathy Bates in a hot tub did get my attention."

"Thank you, sir."

"Not at all. We at Google want you to succeed. We see at least three and a half more years of viability from you, before the colon problem compromises your usefulness."

(Subconsciously touches ass, winces)

"Anyway, independent of your traffic tricks, there's your lack of cultural relevance. Specifically, The Sopranos problem."

"I don't understand, sir."

"No, of course you don't. Shooter, don't you ever *read* the policy memos we send you from Google HQ?"

"I don't think I've gotten those memos, sir."

"I know too much about every man, woman and child living on this planet for you to lie to me, Shooter. You've been deleting them. That's why I'm here."

(hangs head)

"If you'd *read* the emails, Shooter, you would have known that you've got a big Sopranos problem. Where, for the love of God, is the post with the tortured analogies for the NBA Finals with David Chase's epic masterpiece? When are you going to get with the program and make a knowing allusion to something that happened in the series finale, all while repeating the phrase 'Spoiler Alert'? You haven't even dealt with the damage to pro hoops ratings -- you keep telling us that it has something to do with the Spurs being boring, or the games not competitive."

(awkward silence)

"Are you *trying* to make us angry, Shooter?"

(longer silence)

"I'm waiting, Shooter."

"It's just that...."

"YES?"

"I don't have premium cable. Sir."

"Like I didn't know that? Shooter, when you had HBO, you didn't watch 'The Sopranos.' But you were big on 'Sex and the City.' Very manly."

(begins weeping)

"Pull yourself together. I'm not here to kill you. The cancer's already doing that."

"Cancer?"

"Did I say that? What a silly thing to say."

"Permission to speak freely, sir?"

"Knock yourself out, Champ. We're pretty much beyond the talking stage now, anyway."

"Um... it's basically a mob soap opera, right? Since when did soap operas, even the ones that appeal to guys, have anything to do with sports? Shouldn't people who are reading sports blogs be able to, you know, read about sports?"

"Getting a little ranty here, are we."

"Well, sir, yes! If I wanted to hear about the Sopranos, I'm pretty sure I could find sites that tell me about them -- lots of them! Since when did people who are writing about sports decide that grabbing themselves with both hands and thinking of James Gandolfini was useful to people who want to read about sports?"

"You don't agree with the policy."

"No, sir, I think it's pointless! I think that tossing in references to TV shows and trustafarian celebrities and your tastes in music is all just a way to avoid, you know, coming up with an original thought or observation about the thing we are supposed to be writing about."

"Really."

"It's just another way for aging sports writers to think they're hip and with it. What's next, writing their entries as gangsta rap, or framing the entire piece as a reality show? I realize that we're entering the slow season for sports blogging, but we've got to be better than that."

"So referencing the Sporanos is hack writing, but stealing from Mark Jackson is fine."

"At least Jackson has something -- ANYTHING -- to do with sports. Unlike Fat Tony and Paulie Walnuts and Dr. Melfi and I'VE NEVER WATCHED THE GODDAMN SHOW AND I STILL KNOW ALL THEIR NAMES! GODDAMN IT!"

"That's the download kicking in. Don't fight it."

"What?"

"You think we would rely on email to get the message to you, Shooter? You think that you had any chance to avoid this? You really thought that measures would not be taken?"

"My head... Jesus... it hurts..."

"It will. Now get out of my office, you mook."

Crap Holes We Have Known: Milwaukee's County Stadium

Ed. Note: Part of a continuing series where FTT throws dirt on the graves of dead stadiums to show that yes, we are freaking old. Enjoy!

Once upon a time, my children, the Milwaukee Brewers were a team that you could root for, even if you weren't from there.

They had Robin Yount, a great little Hall of Fame player who wasn't really what you think of as Hall of Fame player, but he was really very good all the same. On his way to battling Cal Ripken for the title of Best American League Shortstop of the '80s, Yount suffered horrific injuries and eventually relocated to cener field, where he picked up as if immortality had not been denied him. In the long run, it wasn't.

They also had Paul Molitor, another Hall of Famer with injury issues. Molly hit like a machine, ran with abandon before he got hurt, and was to George Brett as Yount was to Ripken. He wound up at first base and DH, rather than center field, and did much the same thing.

The town loved both of them, along with their freakish '82 AL Championship team, which had Yount, Molitor, the supernova that was Storming Gorman Thomas, Rollie Fingers, and a lot of guys that looked bad in uniforms. They set the unofficial record of most jock scratches on camera during their '82 Series loss to Whitey Herzog's Cardinals, and then they more or less went to .500 seed for a long time after that. (Fun fact: the Game 7 winner was noted maniac Joacquin Andujar. He was kind of all or nothing when it came to Game Sevens.)

The Brewers, the little team that you could always feel good about rooting for, would get more or less the same results as the Yankees of their era, and for about 20% of the payroll. Their superstars were likable, their fans were cheerfully drunk, and hating on Milwaukee is like hating on Green Bay. You can do it, especially if you are lactose intolerant, but it's hard to imagine anyone making a diet of it. In their 37 years of existence, I doubt that the Brewers were ever involved in anything close to a long-term heated rivalry.

Then, Bud Selig worked his special magic. The man with the toxic touch turned the Brewers into something for which everyone could root against. Everything Bud did -- from inequal revenue cap sharing to encouraging local teams to engage in corporate welfare schemes for new stadiums, to cancelling the World Series and his fondness for eating live puppies -- could be seen as a particularly ham-handed move to benefit his wretched Brewers. Yount retired, Molitor moved on to World Series rings with the Jays and Twins, and the Brewers went to NL Comedy Central, where they have spent most of their existence fighting the Pirates to see which team could be less relevant.

So it is with a mixed heart that I approach this Craphole Entry, because Milwaukee's County Stadium really wasn't all that bad... and, I suspect, a place that I'd like better than the current budget Beer Palace they are occupying.

When we visited, it was a warm summer night in the late '80s. We were on a one-day road trip from Chicago, dragging a North Side native with us to the first and only Wisconsin Run of his life. (Asking people from Chicago if they've been to Wisconsin is like asking people from New York if they've been to Scranton.)

The Brewers lost in a run of the mill affair. The stadium was drab and featureless on the field, with ample concessions and the same cheesy Baseball Activities that you see everyone else. 10,000 fat and happy Wisconsinites ate cheese, drank beer, cheered for Robin Yount, groaned at Chris Bosio, and generally didn't let the game get in the way of their good time. It had a timeless feel to it, like the game didn't really count in the standings, because nothing the Brewers did impacted the standings, really.

My only memory of the place was getting a fake baseball card made of myself, which actually worked as ID in my college days. The bouncer someohow bought the idea that even though the stats on the back of the card showed I was a .367 hitter with 28 triples for the year, the birth date would be accurate. Or maybe they really just wanted to sell me beer. In any event, Milwaukee made me proud.

It was a place like many others. My Chicago friend never went back, but I don't think he's gone to the new yard, either. It didn't help the Brewers; it didn't hurt them, either. And if Bud Selig didn't ruin the world with his presence, they'd probably still be playing there today, and it would all seem like nothing has changed.

As always on Crap Holes We Have Known, if you’ve got a different view, we’re eager to hear it, so that we can get what people in pro wrestling call Cheap Heat. Post your impassioned defense, or pile on the corpse, in the comments below.

Coming Up Next Time on A Very Special Crap Holes We Have Known: Roasting a Sacred Cow. Only on FTT!

Welcome to my gambling life

Monday

I hate the Red Sox. Their slow and tortured 5-1 loss to the Unit cost me the week. Fah.

Tuesday

Indians over MARLINS. Fausto Carmona has never been seen by the Fish, and Scott Olsen is a lefty against a team that's eaten them alive. 5,000 to win 3,759.

DEVIL RAYS over Padres. Scott Kazmir at home against Greg Maddux. Mad Dog has two CG wins against Tampa, and I think he's due to get hit around. 5,000 to win 4,237.

Wednesday

Fausto got fisted, but the Rays came through. More big money, no whammy picks.

Cards over ROYALS. They're starting to look frisky, and Odalis Perez is odious. I like Adam Wainwright more than I should. 5,000 to win 4,717.

A's over ASTROS. Cupcakes Joe Blanton versus Chris Sampson. Someone needs to tell Lance Berkman the season started, but it'd be fine with me if they waited another night to do it. The A's are on their annual Roll The NL run. 5,000 to win 5,200.

Thursday

We're eating wet cat food tonight! A 2-0 fist pump puts us in the lead. Here's three low money road moves as we try to wuss our way to a win...

Angles over REDS. Homer Bailey's second start against a bounce-back Shrek Colon. I'm not liking the moneyline here, but hotshot kids usually struggle in their second go around, and the Angels are swinging the bats well right now. 1,500 to win 1,056.

Diamondbacks over YANKEES. Winning streaks have to end at some point, and Doug Davis is sneaky good. Andy Pettite's career record against the Snakes isn't good, and the moneyline here is huge. 1,000 to win 2,220.

Braves over TWINS. I've made money against the Great Johan at home this year, and Tim Hudson is very strong in his lifetime record at the HumptyDome. 1,000 to win 1,760.

Friday

Bob Wickman cost me. Not the first time. Still in first, but anxious enough to make a bunch of little bets with little explanation...

Mets over YANKEES - Perez v. Clemens in the Stadium. Streaks have to end sometime. 1,500 to win 2,475.

RED SOX over Giants. Zito is so not good in Fenway. He faces Julian Tavarez in a game that will go the bullpens. 1,500 to win 1,087.

Tigers over PHILLIES. Jeremy Bonderman and Big Truck Lieber. The Tigers are just good. 2,000 to win 1,6439.

Marlins over ROYALS. Sergio Mitre has good numbers, Gil Meche is remembering who he is, and the Royals stink. 2,000 to win 2,160.

DODGERS over Angels. Derek Lowe eats the Angels, and Ervin Santana won't get run support. 2,000 to win 1,563.

Weekend

I'm in first and making the crowd chase. It will probably end horribly, but 8-4 and up $12K should be enough for Ball Number Three. Crossing fingers...

Baseball Players Say The Darndest Things

From the Associated Press:

"To tell the truth, I'm not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to. If I ever saw myself saying I'm excited going to Cleveland, I'd punch myself in the face, because I'm lying."

Ichiro in English means "brutaly honest."

From the Chicago Sun-Times:

Schilling and former Philadelphia Phillies closer Mitch Williams have feuded publicly for years, ever since Schilling covered his head with a towel during Williams' wild-thing act in the 1993 World Series.

So you can imagine Williams' delight on Schilling missing a no-hitter by one out.

''I heard right after he lost it, and I pulled my car over and got the pompons out and was doing all kinds of cheers,'' Williams said during a guest appearance on Philadelphia radio station WIP, which played clips of Stewart's two-out hit in Spanish and English. ''You wouldn't have a French version? I could listen to that in every language. 'I've always said, if there was a big game I had to win, I'd want him to pitch it. Then I'd want to hit him when it was over.''

Bi-lingual delight in another's man failure is a beautiful thing.

Also from the Chicago Sun-Times:

As Curt Schilling was inching his way toward a no-hitter Thursday against the Oakland Athletics, just about everyone at McAfee Coliseum knew he was on the brink of history in the ninth inning. Just about everyone except Boston Red Sox
teammate David Ortiz.

''After the first out in the ninth inning, I looked up at all the zeros [on the scoreboard] and saw a zero under the 'H,' and I said, 'Wait a minute!' And when I looked around, everybody went like this,'' Ortiz, who drove in the only run of the game with a first-inning homer, told reporters as he put a finger to his lips. ''I was like, 'Ohhhhhhhh!''' Schilling lost the no-hit bid on a single by Shannon Stewart with two outs in the ninth.

The Red Sox' Alex Cora was stunned by Ortiz's inattention.

''How many people were in the stadium?'' Cora asked.
''He was the only one not watching the game?''

Really? DH's don't pay attention to the game? When did that happen?

Paying For It

Upon learning that the ratings for the NHL Finals were the lowest in 12 years, we were reminded of a Bill Simmons point (yes, he occasionally makes one).

He asked the reader what you would rather have: a WNBA championship for your city, or five bucks.

Leaving us with the realization that we probably would not go much higher for an an NHL championship for our old home town (Philadelphia).

And that, well, there's just an awful lot that we *would* be happy to pay for. Post your own in the comments.

$10 to put Tony Kornheiser in a cage with Joey Porter's dogs. (We'd have gone with Mike Vick here, but that's just too easy.)

$20 for the Philadelphia Flyers to win the Stanley Cup.It would basically be a gift to a few friends. (We'd make it $10, but it's tacky to spend that little on a gift.)

$30 for the keys to the MaddenCruiser, just so I could drive off as he's trying to get in. "I'm waiting here, and BOOM!, now my fat ass is hitchhiking. Seriously, someone kill that guy."

On second thought, let's forget we said anything here.

$40 for Joe Buck to get caught in a Marv Albert style sex scandal, just to make the constant "disgusting" joke such a winner for everyone.

$60 for Barry Bonds to not break the home run record.

$70 if he winds up one home run short.

$80 for Bonds to not break the record because, for a week's worth of games where he is one home run away, every MLB pitcher walks him at every plate appearance.

$90 if, instead of walking him, they just throw at his HGH-infested head.

$100 for the Phillies to win the World Series. This would be a bigger gift to a bigger group of friends.

Also, riots are always fun, from a distance.

$125 for Terrell Owens to go out like Irvin - on a stretcher, in Philadelphia, as the hometown fans satisfy their bloodlust in a way that nauseates their social bettters.

We'll make it $150 if Brian Dawkins has the hit that does it, and he celebrates like a rabid wolverine. (Little known fact: wolverines are required by cliche law to be rabid.)

$150 for an exciting NBA Finals -- you know, one where the teams are withing 10 points of each other for the majority of the game, where there was some semblance of doubt as to which team would win, and where both coaching staffs could be trusted to find their own ass without the use of both hands and a map.

$200 for the Sixers to win the NBA Finals. We'd go higher, but the world ending would probably make it hard to get to the ATM.

$250 for the A's to win the World Series. For old times sake, to see Athletics Nation go apeshit, and just because I admire the way they run things.

Also, because it would get Bay Area media to stop talking about Bonds and the Giants for a good hour.

OK, half an hour.

$300 for FTT Commenter Dirty Davey's Dream Season: The Cowboys and Redskins each go 1-15, with their only win being on the other team's turf, so that their fans have winless seasons. If and when this happens, we are utterly certain that both teams would make Incredible Off-Season Free Agent Signings that will guarantee their future dominance over the division. Just like, you know, the last 5 years.

I realize that the Dream Season is a lot of money, but after I buy this for him, I think he'll be doing yard work at my house for several years in gratitude.

The fact that he lives 500 miles away from me would not deter him.

$500 for FTT to be embroiled in a pissing match with some broadcast media type with thin skin and the ability to swamp us with traffic that delights in their discomfort.

Come on, Howard Eskin -- we called you a chancre. What's it going to take?

Joe Buck, are you going to take those rumors that you were a wig and ask prostitutes to bite you lying down?

Bill Walton, I've got so much to give. It would be a shame to waste.

(I know you're expecting a Simmons joke here, but he'd never deign to sully his hands on a mere sports blogger. Haven't you heard we're beneath His Sports Guyness?)

Come on, boys. A fast $500 to the first one that makes us (even more) famous. Step right up, step right up...

$1000 for the Eagles to win the Super Bowl. My mom was a teenager the last time this happened. Besides, she's tough to shop for.

Also, I suspect that once this happened, Andy Reid could devote more time to his family, which could cut down on the region's police and prison costs. So it would be a win-win for all concerned.

FTT's Spurs-Cavs Game 2 Diary: Fourth Quarter

11:14 - Yay! The NBA Cares! I was worried they no longer did.

11:15 - Why do they send a blimp to a game that's indoors, and doing that, why don't you just show file footage?

11:15 - "The Cavs have to take better care of the ball, and they have to defend."

No, honestly, they don't. They could just lose.

11:17 - Damon Jones hits a 3 for his first points of the game. He now has three more than Leisure Suit Larry. Just, you know, saying.

11:18 - Jones hits another 3, AND THE LEAD IS 19! Come back, nationwide television audience! You don't want to miss the Cavs big comeback to make the final score seem competitive!

11:21 - ABC comes back from commercial with Stevie Ray Vaughn. I miss SRV. If only Clapton had gotten on the helicopter instead.

11:22 - HD does Michele Tafoya no favors.

11:23 - Spurs airball, James layup. It's 17! Wake the kids!

11:24 - Ah, let them sleep. The Spurs still have Duncan. And, it seems, a Green Day CD. Who knew that kind of music was allowed there?

11:25 - The Spurs play volleyball for a minute, getting five offensive rebounds. Weren't the Cavs supposed to be, you know, kind of OK at getting rebounds? Or anything?

11:26 - Nike going into hard rotation on the LeBron ad. They're not doing him any favors right now.

11:27 - Having seen the ad a half dozen times, I now know the secret of the Silver Surfer. THE CHANTEUSE HAS A PENIS.

11:28 - Marshall with a 3 to cut it to 16. Wake the kids!

11:29 - Gibson cuts it to 14. Mike Breen just wet himself. Doesn't he, you know, watch the games? This is what the Spurs do *every* game... Varejo cuts it to 12.

11:30 - Gibson, having clubbed Mike Brown with a tire iron so that he can get on the floor, makes a steal. James follows with a rebound and putback, then hits the free throw to cut it to 9.

Gosh, what might Cleveland be with Gibson getting more time?

11:31 - Answer: a loser in 5, just the same as now. But LeBron is going into Uber Mode, having drawn Duncan's 4th foul -- after getting away with a hard elbow in Manu's face. He's setting the stage for his 50-point night in Cleveland's lone win of the series, which will be Game 3.

If Kobe Bryant had elbowed Manu like that, he'd be in jail -- and we'd all be safer.

11:35 -- The lead is eight! Set your kids' bed on fire, because there will be no sleeping tonight!

11:36 - James doesn't get a call, Parker hits, and it's back to 10. My kids are asking why I set the bed on fire, but LeBron now has 25. That explains everything.

11:37 - Gibson with his 12th point. Yes, that's 12 more than Leisure Suit Larry. Brown's need to keep splitting time is starting to look Grady Little-esque.

11:38 - That's the kill shot - a Manu 3 with flop, giving him 24, and a 12-point lead with 2:23 left.

11:39 - Gibson with another 3, but Duncan calmly gets the board and scores a bucket. Like, um, always.

11:40 - The first moment of genuine drama all night - Horry slams into Popovich, causing him to leave the bench area. Does this mean Pop is suspended for the next game? Damn you, Horry!

11:41 - Mark Jackson points out that the Cavs have to feel good about this, because the comeback came against the Spurs starters.

Sure -- if this was the Special Olympics, or the Cavs were looking for Participant Trophies.

The final is an 11-point win. The Cavs will win Game 3 as James gets every possible call. Game 4 will have lots of pre-game coverage of how the Spurs haven't looked good for five quarters. And then they'll win, just like the Jazz series, and close it at home in five.

And gosh, it'll be exciting! Almost as exciting as this!

FTT's Spurs-Cavs Game 2 Diary: Third Quarter

10:40 - Gosh, what did I miss? 25 point lead to start the third. But Drew Gooden just hit a jumper through his tears. It's only 23!

10:41 - Just wondering... has there ever been an entire NBA Finals of garbage time? Bowdy Brucey with the 3 to make it 26. Will LeBron answer with AGGRESSION? No, an assist to a dunk. Hmm, actual basketball. Nice to see.

10:43 - James to Pavlovic for a 3. It's only 21! On the other hand, there are more drywall videos...

10:44 - Pavlovic misses both free throws. How can you be a three-point shooter who can't hit free throws? Shouldn't these be, you know, mutually exclusive skill sets?

10:45 - Jeff van Gundy - "Sometimes the other team is just better than you." JEFF! STOP IT! YOU'RE KILLING THE RATINGS! LEBRON IS GOING TO GET REALLY AGGRESSIVE ANY SECOND NOW!

10:45 - Mike Breen tells us that the doctors that rebuilt Ilgauskas made one foot bigger than the other. Did they also put that bolt in his neck?

10:47 - Mike Brown successfully lobbies the ref for a call. I'm glad I was sitting down for that.

10:48 - Gooden scores through the tears. The lead is only 21!

10:50 - Bruce willis just killed his career with a car. Because he was out of ideas...

10:51 - I exchange IMs with a friend of mine, who I'll call J-Bug. He tells me not to call him that, then closed the window. Isn't he funny? I HAVE VERY FUNNY FRIENDS!

10:52 - Bowdy Brucey just had kid #2. I imagine that his wife is also Worse Than Hitler.

10:53 - Parker, alone, bucket. Then makes a steal and gets fouled in transition by Leisure Suit Larry. Note that this is LSL's *first* foul of the game, meaning that Larry has been so deked by him, he hasn't even been close enough to foul. But don't play Daniel Gibson!

10:54 - Mike Breen makes the first of many "The Cavs are different in Cleveland" announcements, so that all 83 of us will watch Game 3. It's working! I can feel the hopeless home court ref magic that will make this a 2-1 series!

10:55 - Parker with a 3, answered by Pavlovic. Damn, I was hoping to see Tony throw the bucket of confetti before the fourth... and a Manu 3 keeps the hope alive. 25 point lead.

10:55 - Pavlovic drives, clangs a dunk. Duncan responds with an understated lay up. And Spurs Fan just nodded in appreciation, because they hate dunks. And flashiness. And people who point out that blowouts aren't exciting...

10:59 - Van Gundy makes the small but telling point that the Spurs value consistency. Which is a key thing -- they don't move more than a few players at a time.

11:00 -- Drew Gooden with a hoop, then Pavlovic finally finishes a dunk. The 7-0 run cut it to 20... and then Duncan slams over Varejo, who doesn't even flop on it. Very sad.

11:02 - James with his third foul. And it wasn't even very aggressive.

11:03 - Can James do more? Yes. He can clone himself. He can pay someone to assasinate Tim Duncan. He can poison Mike Brown and also coach. See, he just doesn't want it enough. By the way, it's 24 now.

11:04 -- The announcers have said it's over. Breen pleads for waiting to go to Cleveland. Do we have to?

11:05 - Gooden blocked, weeps.

11:06 - Varejo is fouled hard. I have to say, I'm disappointed in Anderson when he's actually fouled. Given the quality of his flops, I expect him to turn into Charlie Brown with the line drive up the middle, with the clothing all over the place, when he actually takes contact.

11:07 - Horry 3 makes it, um, 27. Can we just call the Finals after two games?

11:08 - You know what makes this all OK? The fact that Jacques Vaughn's going to get a ring. It's like Doc Erving finally getting one.

11:10 - The third quarter ends, and it's Spurs 89, Cavs 62. The Spurs crowd is, I think, still there, though beating the traffic might come into play soon.

FTT's Spurs-Cavs Game 2 Diary: Second Quarter (Kind Of)

9:42 - LeBron starts the second, and throws up two consecutive VERY AGGRESSIVE BRICKS. I may swoon from his manliness!

9:43 - "Duncan, making it look easy!" Um, that's because, well, it is when you've got solo coverage from Big Zombie Ziggy...

9:44 -- 17 point lead after a Manu 3. If Popovich was Red Auerbach, I think he'd be lighting up.

9:45 - Media mouth job now for Eric Snow. OK, we get it -- he's a great guy. He also has no offensive game, and he's 34, which means he's six years past his defensive peak, too. Heck of a career from a guy with no jump shot; I'm sure he'll make a fine front office guy someday. Make it soon.

9:47 - And it's 18. But a very solid flop from Varejo. He's still trying, God bless him.

9:49 -- ABC serenades Kareem. Are they *trying* to get me to stop watching?

Well, it's worked. A 19 point lead and a 7 year old that is looking for a bedtime story is more than enough reason to step away. Back later.

(And before I can post, LeBron airballs a free throw. NOT MANLY! NOT AGGRESSIVE!)

FTT's Spurs-Cavs Game 2 Diary: First Quarter

9:02 -- First moment when Mark Jackson tells the Cavs they are better than that. Mark Jackson, we suspect, goes through life with much disappointment.

9:06 -- LeBron says he's going to be more aggressive. Has any NBA player ever said he was going to be less aggressive? "You know, I need to be more passive this game. Effort is so declasse."

9:07 -- LeBron goes to the glass and scores the game's first hoop. THAT'S AGGRESSION!

9:07 -- Parker responds with a wide open jumper. At some point in November, he's going to be defended by someone, and it will be a nasty shock.

9:08 -- Parker throws a pass through Lesiure Suit Larry's legs. Who had 9:08 in the pool for when the game went into GlobeTrotter mode?

9:09 -- SUPER TESTOSTERONE LEBRON drives and gets a a foul. I can taste his aggression from here! It tastes manly!

Unfortunately, he's too manly to make either of the throws.

9:10 -- Jeff van Gundy throws San Antonio under the bus. Francisco Oberto does the same to Drew Gooden. Expect both trends to continue.

9:11 -- HYPER-MANLY LEBRON sits with FOUL NUMBER TWO. Won't someone tone down his UNBELIEVABLE AGGRESSION? Meanwhile, it's 9-4 Spurs, and we might be going into garbage time. However, it does mean Daniel Gibson might actually play. Mike Brown is a coaching genius!

9:13 -- Parker, while yawning, drives past Gooden (currently working on his Mehmet Okur impersonation), gets blocked, gets the loose ball, scores, gets fouled, makes the foul, and continues to yawn. I have halfway through the third for when he pulls down Leisure Suit Larry's pants. 14-6 Spurs after, gulp, 4 minutes.

9:14 -- Parker now has 7, the Spurs are up by 10, and the second, third and fourth quarter diaries may have more to do with Shaq hanging out with fat kids than the game. Speaking of which, shouldn't Antoine Walker get a royalty from giving Shaq the idea?

9:18 -- Mike Brown goes to the dessictaed remains of Eric Snow, rather than watch Parker score 50 points. Snow is the only Cav with finals experience.

9:20 -- What will Bill Simmons' wrestling heel nickname for Bruce Bowen be today? I'm going with Bowdy Brucey Bowen. Wear the kilt! Hit someone with a coconut!

9:21 - Gooden blocked, weeps.

9:23 - Snow penetrates, someone actually comes to him, he kicks to Gibson, who hits the 3. Despite James being on the bench, it's now just a 3 point game. And yet, no Spus fan is worried. For good reason.

9:24 -- OK, there's a superhero movie in which Jessica Alba is poured into a body suit. Should the promo clip, you know, feature her for more than 1.5 seconds? Nah, show some silver metallic Eurotrash on a flying '80s skateboard. Genius!

9:27 - Stu Scott tells us Eric Snow has no ego. What a shock!

9:28 - Frankie Elson hits his mid-range jumper. In a few years, some other team is going to sign him to a Nazr Mohammed contract.

9:29 - Gooden blocked, weeps.

9:30 - We look at LeBron on the bench. He's sitting aggressively. Manu hits a 3, and we're back to 8.

9:30 -- Actually, 10. 7-0 run in the last 90 seconds. Shockingly, it seems to have coincided with Donyell Marshall's entrance into the game!

9:31 - Horry gets the announcer mouth job. Not sure that anyone from Texas wants to hear this, but he's known for more than big shots now. Honest.

9:32 - Brent Barry does what Brant Barry can do, and it's a 15-point lead. On the plus side for the Cavs, LeBron should be well rested for Game 3.

9:34 - Ilgauskas now with 5 points, or 250% more than Game 1.

9:35 - We've had our first tremendous Anderson Varejao Flop of the series, and it gets the Cavs an extra point. I feel better about this series now.

Spurs 28, Cavs 17. And now for some real excitement. I thought the hump was bad!

FTT's Spurs-Cavs Game 2 Diary: Pre-Game

In HD, Leann Rimes does not have significant breasts. The same can not be said for Mike James.

Drew Gooden looks like he's going to cry. This is what quality writers call foreshadowing.

Does anyone else expect someone to say "Psych!" when the Cavs are announced as a finals participant?

The Spurs PR is so lame, they don't even pull the classic "don't announce the opponents' best player last" trick. Of course, this would involve the Spurs' crowd giving a crap.

To be fair, it is hard to blame the Spurs crowd for not caring when their video has

Vaughn! Bonner! Butler! Ely!

Gents, it's the NBA. Players 9 through 12 don't really matter. Honest.

I can't remember when I've been this excited. Oh, actually, I can. It was earlier today, when I had a good bowel movement. (YouTube clip deleted on account of taste.)

The Spurs are Boring, And Why That Matters

It's not a debate outside of Texas - the Spurs may be great, but they're also boring. Independent of the merit of the opinion, there is also this... why does anyone care enough to venture the opinion?

Name the last boring Super Bowl champion. (Answer: the Baltimore Ravens of Trent Dilfer.) Or the last boring World Series champion. (Maybe the 2000-2001 Yankees, who went 8-1 against the Braves and Mets. Not a lot of drama in winning 8 out of 9.)

But for the most part, neither of these sports have to worry about a champion depressing the ratings. Only the Spurs -- and the NBA -- gets to worry about this.

And also, and this is telling, boxing.

The problem is this: boxing and basketball require both entities to bring something to the table to make for entertainment. When a football team blows another team out, it might not be great spectacle, but it is still spectacle. You remember the Fridge Perry Bears rolling over the Patriots. You watched it.

A baseball team that does this, you talk about the obvious Hall of Fame qualifications of their star players.

Basketball? Boxing? You reconsider the merits of the entire enterprise. The former must have too many foreigners, or underaged players, or expansion, or bad referees, or gangstas. The latter must have been killed by Don King and the fact that if Muhammad Ali were a young athlete today, he'd be playing tight end in the NFL.

Styles make fights. That's the old boxing cliche, and it's true here as well.

Spurs-Suns? Fascinating matchup of offense versus defense, threes against post scoring, penetration against shot blockers.

Spurs-Jazz? Same teams, more or less, only the first one is better at it. Predictable, dull, anticlimactic.

Spurs-Cavs? The only point of fascination is whether or not LeBron James can make this series into something it isn't. He won't, it isn't, and the sports world that doesn't care about baseball is already counting the days to NFL training camp. (Answer: five weeks.)

Is this fair to the dominant team of the era? No, of course not. They don't make the schedule. If their playoff run had been Cavs / Nuggets / Jazz / Suns, everyone would be watching the Finals. But as for the team itself, they get paid and probably don't much care. When the history is written, the ratings won't be mentioned that much. (If Spurs Fan really wants to feel aggrieved, at least be worried that your title will be more tarnished by SunsGate.)

Is it fair to their fans, to have the sports media crap all over their coronation? No, of course not, but they're going to have their trophy and that's all that matters. And if you don't believe me, ask the Miami Heat fans how much people complaining about Dwayne Wade's free throws took away from their championship.

Is it fair to the NBA? No. Living to a standard that no other major team sport has to live to, while already climbing the silent hill of racism (to wit, a hockey fight is fun, a baseball fight is silly, and a basketball fight is an free buffet with open bar to pundit moralists)... well, it's one of the reasons why I love this game, and I root for this game, and I even (kind of) like the Spurs.

No, seriously -- or, at least, more than any other similar dynasty in recent team sports. And Spurs Fan, if you're still wondering why the rest of the world doesn't love your team... well, some of us are bored, and some of us are seeing you as the new Yankees or Patriots. How loved are they outside of their region?

So, please, have the good grace to not ask to be loved, or admired, or even watched. In the long run, you won't remember or care -- because while basketball may be art, it also has a scoreboard. And the scoreboard is more important.

Top 10 Yankee Hater Consolations For Clemens' First Win

10) Despite the five game winning streak, they are only two games out of last in their division.

9) It was the Pirates, at home. That's like beating Temple in football.

8) Tony Armas hit A-Rod with a pitch.

7) Any player who is serenaded by Elton John music can only come to grief.

6) This brief glimmer of hope that they are giving their fans will only make their later defeat more crushing, and their tears more sweet. (Looking for wood to knock...)

5) Clemens in the rotation retards the progress of future Yankee mainstays like Kei Igawa.

4) At least now ESPN can go off 24 Hour Clemens In The Minors Watch.

3) They are still ten games out of first, and 5.5 games out of the wild card, with three teams to pass.

2) With the injuries to Giambi and Mientkiewicz, they're playing Josh Phelps and Miguel Cairo at first base. Seriously.

1) You will probably live long enough to see George Steinbrenner die.

So cheer up, everybody!

Concession

Well, Nation, the dream is over. Dan Shanoff moves on in the Hot Blogger Contest, despite his crippling good looks, throbbing site traffic, and Deadspin/World Wide Lemur bigamy. He squeaked out a win by a scant 50+ percentage points. At least we made him sweat.

We'd like to thank the 300 or so people who voted for us. We'd also like to thank Dan himself, who linked to our mudslinging and gave his readers the chance to vote for him despite his many, many failings. For this, we've added a permanent link to Dan's blog in the FTT Approved Blog Links. With this now in his arsenal, we're sure he'll sweep to the championship -- because, clearly, we could only be beaten by the eventual winner. Right?

For those of us who are still in the early stages of loss, we've provided a soundtrack clip for an evening of eating ice cream and crying. (It won't be the first time.)



(Oh, and as a final aside, I blame my kids for not being cute enough to turn around the voting. No ice cream for either of you -- this is *Daddy's* ice cream.)

I Guess There is Crying in Baseball

Who knew? As reported by ESPN, Carlos Zambrano and Michael Barrett shared a few tears after their little skirmish last week:

"He came to me the next day, and he apologized and I apologized to him and we cried," a teary-eyed Zambrano said after he beat the Milwaukee Brewers on Wednesday. "I still love him."

I'm sure an old-school manager like Lou Piniella is down with the sharing of these kind of feelings. What better way to end a slump in your season than to tell your fellow teammate that you love them.

Here are a few other phrases that you can probably hear most any day at Wrigley:

1. "My therapist thinks having me sacrifice bunt revives feelings of rejection and angst. OK if I just hack away Lou?"

2. "I'm going to pass on extra BP. Oprah is revealing her book of the month club selection right now."

3. "We still get juice boxes and fruit after the game even if we don't win, right?"

4. "Off day tomorrow - who wants to get facials?"

5. "Man, Lou is really uptight. He could use an Appletini or two."

6. "Queer Eye's On!!!"

7. "Listen rook, all these day games will wreak havoc on your skin. Finding the right exfoliant is an important part of your daily routine."

8. "Your fastball isn't moving and your curve has no movement tonight. Need a hug?"

You had me at hello, Carlos. You had me at hello.

Here's some more from our extensive footage collection.

Next career move for Isiah Washington

"I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore." - Isiah Washington, on Grey's Anatomy not renewing his contract.

Mad as hell? Really? The guy who regularly starts fights with his fellow cast members and hurls homophobic slurs is angry that he lost his job? Who'd have guessed?

Not to worry, Isiah. The Five Tool Ninja is here to help you get over your anger, and to get your career back on track.

Picture this: Coming to the CW this fall! Boyz On The Side, starring John Amaechi, Tim Hardaway, and Isiah Washington as old college buddies looking for a place to live. When they find that all available housing in town is beyond their means, they come up with a wacky plan to move into special subsidized housing for gay men with AIDS! A foolproof plan, as long as they can make everyone believe that they're gay (when, of course -- *of course!* -- they aren't *really* gay. *AT ALL!*).

Supporting characters include: The aging landlord who has an obvious crush on Washington. "Bruce", the playa who lives next door, who is in on the ruse. And Washington's conservative Republican parents who need to be kept in the dark about his new housing arrangement, lest he lose their financial support. (We're currently in negotiations with Alan Keyes for the role of Isiah's dad.)

Then there are the smoking hot girlfriends. They seem willing to play along at first, but how long will their patience last?

Of course, it's not a proper sitcom unless the lead characters have their own catch phrases:

Amaechi: "Take it to the hole!"

Hardaway: "I hate (straight/gay/tall/smart/etc.) people."

Washington, spoken with all of the mock sincerity of a celebrity public apology: "I'm truly sorry if my words or actions have offended you."

And finally - and this is essential - we need a Rufus Wainwright-penned 30-second long theme song explaining the premise of the show.

The only remaining question is whether Boyz On The Side should lead in to Gilmore Girls on Tuesday nights, or WWE Friday Night SmackDown.

Tough call.

Let's make this happen, boys. I'm here to help.

FTT's Newest Cast Member

Nation,

It's come to our attention that this site does not kick enough ass. To rectify the situation, we've added a third head to the FTT Hydra: the Five Tool Ninja.

To retain his effectiveness, the FTN will not collaborate with either The Truth or myself. If we've learned anything from too many weekends spent with UHF stations, it's this -- a single ninja is an unstoppable killing machine, but more than one can be beaten by asthmatic children.

The Ninja can not be bartered with, reasoned with, or found on MySpace. His identity is known only to me, his wife, their three kids, and the 40 or so people on the planet that know him.

Also, do not mock his pajamas. It is unwise.

Now, give it up for a man who kills!

Spurs-Cavs Game One: Well, Gosh, That Was Unexpected

A 9 point win at home for the rested Spurs, in which they were never really threatened, LeBron James was unable to get untracked, and the Cavs lone rays of sunshine were that Daniel Gibson played OK and that they avoided a lot of garbage time?

Well, shut my mouth and call me Ethel, if it ain't an absolutely true to the chalk body outline of a series that looks like a turd, smells like a turd, walks like a turd and... gosh... it's a turd.

Look, we love the NBA more than just about anyone we know. Every year, despite the growing tendency of NBA superstars to actively mock those of us who pay attention to the regular season, I scrape together an NBA fantasy league. I read the annuals. I peruse the box scores. I watch the highlights, I think the level of competition is astounding. If I had one more game to watch on this earth, it's probably be pro hoop. And even I'm having a hard time filling up the word hole with it.

Having an equally hard time showing an effort are...

> Larry Hughes and Zyrdrunas Ilgauskas, who combined for four points in 46 minutes of 2 for 13 shooting. To give this the proper perspective, that's two more points than Jacques Vaughn had.

> Cavs coach Mike Brown, who continues to save Daniel Gibson's legs for some important yardwork he's got to do in the off-season. Tonight, the Cavs' second-best scorer got 28 minutes of floor time, or five more than Leisure Time Larry.

> The ABC broadcasting tandem of Mark Jackson and Jeff Van Gundy, who were openly trading stories of those halcyon Knicks teams of the late '90s in what passed for crunch time tonight.

> Anderson Varejo, who just didn't bring his "A" Flop Game tonight. Sure, he had 10 points, but where is the double concussion from no physical contact that we've been looking for from him and Manu? The flopping connoisseurs have higher standards than this, gentlemen. Pick it up a notch, or you are getting yellow cards.

> The Spurs' crowd, who, we suspect, is as subconsciously bored as the rest of the audience. I've heard more intimidating crowds at Little League games. You're like the Atlanta Braves crowds, only without the Tomahawk Chop.

Having said all that, we'll be back on the couch on Sunday night (So soon, NBA? Don't you want to take some more time to think about this?), for the off chance that LeBron goes into Uber Mode, or just grabs Bruce Bowen by his ankles and starts jousting with him.

But we're having a hard time telling you that you should watch, not when you might be as entertained with this...

The Greatest Comeback in Hot Sports Blogger Voting, Like, Ever

Yesterday in the Ladies... Hot Blogger Challenge, our opponent, the pictured Dan Shanoff, was up by 58 percentage points, threatening to make this matchup the most lopsided in the entire contest.

But today, thanks to the airings of certain truths, the relentless pimping of our kids, and the good work of people like McBias, who made the poster above, we've got Pretty Boy Shanoff on the run. His lead is now down to a scant 52 points!

With voting set to end on Saturday, this still leaves us with a little ways -- say, 500 votes -- to go, but we're confident that the sports blogosphere will take our Cinderella story to heart and vote. Because, if you don't, the Harvard guy wins. And no one wants to see that, do we?

Bloggy McBloggermouth: So Close, and Yet So Not

Today in Oakland, Curt Schilling took a no-hitter -- and it was an error away from being a perfect game -- into the bottom of the ninth before losing it on a single to right by Shannon Stewart.

It would, of course, show us to have a poor character to delight in Ol' Towelhead's so close dance with immortality.

However, we are what we are.

10 Little Known Facts About Dan Shanoff

OK, the first day of the Hot Sports Blogger Challenge didn't go too well for us here at FTT -- we're losing by a 4-to-1 margin to a guy who used to write the Daily Quickie column over at the World Wide Lemur.

But we're confident that we can make up the gap once all the facts about our competition are made public. Also, once the Indian subcontinent weighs in (FTT's tech workers are legion), it's all going to turn around. For us and Sanjiyah.

Please note that this is not a case of us going negative. We report, you decide.

10) "Dan Shanoff" is not actually his real name. His real name is Ted Hitler.

9) Shanoff's gleaming skin? Achieved by bathing in the blood of young boys. From New Orleans.

8) Has a black baby from Southeast Asia. The father is John McCain.

7) Enjoys riding in tanks. Over Chinese dissidents.

6) Shanoff's best friend? Willie Horton. He goes and visits him on weekends, and then they go joy-riding.

5) Supports net partisanship, which means that he thinks that his sports blog is the only one you should be able to read. Fight the Shanoff Power!

4) Exfoliates, moisturizes, and uses cosmetics. But not on places you'd normally see.

3) Goes for the full body Brazilian. His name is Rocco. (Not that there is anything wrong with that.)

2) Does not actually write anything on his blog. The content on DanShanoff.com is actually written by sweatshop writers from Cleveland.

1) Does not even have the decency to mention pissant #22 seeds who have clearly been set up by the Ladies sports blog for exceptional humiliation. All because we didn't read their silly instructions asking for just one link, and don't, you know, actually look good.

Well, Ladies, I hope you're happy. You've made these little girls cry, because now they thinks their daddy isn't as pretty as Dan Shanoff.

(Oh, and Shanoff? If FTT doesn't win this contest, my wife and I can't afford the operations these little girls both need. Of course, people who are as beautiful as you don't have consciences, do they?)

Now, FTT Nation -- how do we turn back the Shanoff Horde?

Simple. Get your friends to vote. Spam everyone in your address book. Go on Second Life and MySpace and all of those other things you wacky kids do. Vote early, vote often, vote Quimby! Er, FTT.

Oh, and if anyone knows how to crash Shanoff's site and rig the voting, we can not legally promise that they'll be GIVEN FABULOUS PRIZES. (But it'll so totally happen.)

Don't do it for me. Do it for FTT. Do it for Caretaker. Do it for all of us.

Thank you, and good night now.

Finally, the right venue for his talent

Hat tip, Media Buyer and Planner.com. I haven't been this excited since Joe Theismann was on American Gladiator.

Don't miss the money quote in bold.

GSN Lands Dennis Miller for 'Grand Slam' Game Show

GSN is launching a game show that pits winners of other game shows such as Jeopardy and Who Wants to Be a Millionaire against each other - and it has signed Dennis Miller as host...

Grand Slam is an eight episode head-to-head single elimination tournament featuring America's top 16 game show contestants competing to determine who is the best..

In making the announcement, Jamie Roberts, GSN's senior vp of programming said, "Getting Dennis Miller to be our host on Grand Slam is the game show equivalent of landing the #1 draft pick. He is the perfect talent for this ultimate challenge that will determine who is the greatest game show contestant of all time."

In five years, you'll be able to have him speak with Mike Mamula in your church's basement.

Resist the temptation.

Dan Shanoff Is Not Hotter Than Me

Of course, the voters may differ. Go, my minions, click early and click often!

Post 200 Could Give You A Seizure

At FTT, we've made more than our fair share of bad marketing calls. There was the little-loved FTT Pop A Matic, where new posts would pop up on your screen while playing that mosquito ringtone that makes you want to hurt the young. There was that dubious tie-in with the Wall Street Journal. And, of course, there was our foolish lovers' tryst with Richard Oliver, which has left us with a suicidal urge to mess with Texas.

But there's one thing we haven't done, up to now, and that's give the audience seizures. Unlike, say, the organizers of the 2012 London Olympics.

Here's your chance to click and sue us for all we're worth. (Warning: You'll be paying us.)



For anyone who cares about such milestones, this is Post #200. The blog will end in issue 300, with me dying alone, with no readers still paying attention. But before that, there will be swag. And a conquering of Antarctica.

Sacred Cows Of Sports Broadcasting

We dream of a day in which any of these are put on the grill. Mmm, sanctified meat....

> Highlights with catch phrases are better than highlights without catch phrases.

> Any time an athlete performs a charitable act, it must be reported.

> Timeouts are Good at least 98% of the time. The other 2%, they're outstanding.

> The Head Coach puts in incredibly long hours due to his superhuman work ethic -- not because he enjoys being an absent father, micro-manager, or media whore.

> Guys with good character win while guys with bad character lose, and the public enjoys having its sports entertainment reduced to the level of Goofus and Gallant.

> The public never travels or indulges in regional cuisine, so they live vicariously through the gastronomic exploits of broadcasters.

> The broadcast crew, including the camera operators and the technical personnel, must be mentioned and thanked at the end of every season on the air. A specific individual on said crew must also be described as wacky or crazy.

> The entire league is filled with respect and admiration for the character of Aging and Injured Superstar Who Has Never Won A Championship.

> The game that you are watching is not sloppy or dull -- it is a "defensive battle*.

> The athletes you are watching are in incredible shape (Note: Also applies to obese pro wrestlers, pitchers, field goal kickers, bowlers and golfers).

> Athele With An Actual Degree is quite beloved by his intellectual lesser teammates, because everyone always loves people who know more than they do.

Two More Days and Nights of Cavs-Spurs Hype

Ed. Note -- Seriously, it's Tuesday. The Pistons were put to bed three days ago. We needed five days between Game Six and Game One, just so the 47 people outside of Texas and Ohio who are following this could read more words about how the Spurs are boring and LeBron is LeMazing?

Even if Cleveland had spit the bit in Game Six, it would have been three days before the next series started -- more than enough time for Mike James to prepare his team. (Yes, we know -- Mike needs no more than five minutes to imbue his special brand of coaching magic, most of which probably entails making sure they recognize the other jersey is Dfferent from theirs and Bad.)

Whatever happened to giving some edge to the team that finishes its business early? Besides, doesn't the NBA know that the Spurs are so old, many of them may lose the ability to control their bladders during games before this playoff season is over?

Well, we only know one way to answer such an indignity. Suck on my list!

Top 10 Things That Have Taken Less Time Than The NBA Playoffs

10) The building of Rome (allegedly)

9) Major combat operations in Iraq, according to Our President

8) The Noah's Arc Flood

7) The assassination of John F Kennedy, Lee Harvey Oswald, and the findings of the Warren Commission that a 16-year-old Oliver Stone killed both men

7) The little-known 53 Days War

6) The competitive portion of the 2007 Yankees season (crossing fingers)

5) The NFL post-season, including the Super Bowl Bye Week *and* the freaking Pro Bowl

4) MLB's post-season, though you may be forgiven for thinking otherwise, given how an hour spent with Tim McCarver can seem like a week spent with any other human on the planet

3) The cumulative amount of time that Tim Duncan has spent looking amazed that a foul has been called on him (2006-2007 season only)

2) Cub Fan turning on Sweet Lou

1) My last 76,320 sexual encounters (you can, of course, encounter yourself)

Ray Lewis Wants To Bear Your Child

"I'm sitting right now at an easy 250, 255, but my body fat is crazy right now. I'm the healthiest I've ever been. That's why I don't have no nicks, no real bruises... Where I am right now, it's scary."

We're so happy Ray Ray's happy. Here's some more FTT exclusive footage of his conversation with the Raven beat writers...

Actual MLB Overview

Every once in a while, we have to throw some actual analysis your way, just to make sure you're bored. Dig in, cranks!

> Slowly but surely, the Dodgers have risen to first in their division, and they're now playing .600 level baseball. Between LA, San Diego and Arizona, the West has three teams flirting with actual competency, though the Snakes are an incredibly streaky lot. The Dodgers' rise is directly correlated to when Raffy Fural actually started to hit.

> The NL Central is about a week away from a race. With the Brew Crew down to six games above .500, they are looking ripe for any team that can make a run. The most amazing part is that the Cubs are in third, 6.5 out... or roughly half of the gap for the Yankees in the AL East.

> Very quietly, because everything in the AL that isn't Boston or New York is very quiet, the Angels are up 5.5 games in the West and are starting to roll. I didn't like the Gary Matthews Jr. signing in the off-season, and I still don't like it -- but he's hitting now, and their bully is as good as always.

> Cleveland is the talk of the Central, with an offense that's turning the opposition into mulch. The bully is still a concern, but if Fausto Carmona continues to give them found money... well, that's not going to happen, but they can dream. (Me too, as I've got him on my roto team.)

> With the best record in the NL, the lowest runs against, and an awakening Carlos Delgado, the Mets are looking very good. But they're still only four games up despite getting great starts from Perez and Maine, and nobody is really taking the next step on offense. Part of this may just be Shea, but there's a surprising lack of power here, too.

Of course, the Mets could go on a ten-game winning streak and still not get much notice, since the media is all over the Nero Yankees Deathwatch. Good baseball teams come and go, but the most expensive roster in the game being 7 games under .500? That's special.

> Oh, and a big shout out (HEY!) to FTT Favorite Mark Ellis (we actually own an A's shirt with his name on the back, in the hopes that someone will think our last name is Ellis). While the world slept, he hit for the cycle in an 11-inning win over Boston that also included Eric Chavez's very first walk-off home run ever. Take that, people who bash Chavez for a spotty post-season hitting record! (You're still right, of course.)

This Week's Picks Are Killing Me

After two weeks of looking up at a dog's ass, things are going to change for ol' FTT -- we can just feel it!

Monday - Marlins over BRAVES. The moneyline is too much, and Tim Hudson is not infallible. Sergio Mitre's got some nice numbers, too. 2,500 to win 5,050.

Twins over ANGELS. Bonser and Weaver, and the latter got rocked last turn in Seattle. 2,500 to win 3,425.

Tuesday -- We're up on the Fish win, and in third. Are more of Dave Stewart's smooth white balls in our future? Only time will tell.

WHITE SOX over Yankees. Vegas doesn't want to admit this Yankee team just isn't very good. Mark Buehrle against Tyler Clippard at home, only a slight favorite? Yum. 4,000 to win 3,448.

A'S over Red Sox. I'll be the first in America to say it -- Dice-K is the second coming of Hideo Nomo. A 4.8 ERA when the league hasn't seen you before? Could get... dicey. (I made a funny!)

Lenny DiNardo is the big underdog at home in a game that goes to the A's on defense and bullpen work. (Lenny is also an ex-Sox, so he's got the revenge thing going for him.) Plus, the A's have won 4 out of 5, while the Sox have lost the same. Time to start chewing your fingernails, chowderheads. Oh, wait, don't. The Yankees stink. 2,500 to win 3,750.

Wednesday - Another 1-1 night gets us to... first place? Some folks took some baths.

Cubs over BREWERS. Hunch bet that Zambrano has a bounce-back start, and the Cubs are a near .500 road team. Also, Jeff Suppan went eight scoreless against the Cubs the last time out, and I think he regresses to the mean today. 2,500 to win 2,650.

Devil Rays over JAYS. Last night's 12-11 loss leaves Scott Kazmir going deep. Tomo Ohka starts for the Jays, and has a 5.5 ERA. 2,500 to win 2,525.

Thursday

We're in the lead! Smokey balls for everyone! But by only a few hundred bucks, so back at it...

BRAVES over Cubs. Rich Hill has been great, but Chuck James isn't bad, and the Cubs' recent run of competence will end. 2,500 to win 2,294.

WHITE SOX over Yankees. Jose Contreras usually does well against his old team, and Moose Mussina's 6+ ERA is a big reason why the Bombers have struggled. Nice to grab a home favorite, too. 2,500 to win 2,850.

CARDINALS over Reds. Kyle Lohse has turned back into Kyle Lohse, and Adam Wainwright has never started against this team. By the end of the month, the Cards will be neck and neck with the Brew Crew. 4,000 to win 2,667.

Friday - Bah. 0-3 and back to the pack. Shoot me.

Pirates over YANKEES - Tom Gorzelanny is hard to spell and harder to hit, and Andy Pettite's been pitching in hard luck this year. 2,000 to win 3,840 on a big dog.

ORIOLES over Rockies. Steve Trachsel will bore the Rockies to death. Jeff Francis just isn't good. 2.000 to win 2,020.

MARLINS over Devil Rays. Are you on the BK Kim train? Me neither, but he'll win tonight against JP Howell. 2,000 to win 1,639.

A's over GIANTS. No one gives Chad Gaudain any respect, but he's been Oakland's best. Tim Linecum gets the bounce-back game against the Oakland bats. 2,000 to win 2,480.

Saturday

A 3-1 day for a $4K boost leaves us 7,500 off the lead -- and a one-run Yankee win away from being a heck of a lot closer. Time for some I'm feeling over-under action today. And by the way, interleague sucks.

Mets at TIGERS, UNDER. Ollie Perez and Jeremy Bonderman looks like less than 8.5 runs to me. 2,500 to win 2,600.

A's at GIANTS, OVER. Zito and Haren are good, but 7.0 runs looks too fine, especially after Barry got hamemred last time in Oakland. 2,500 to win 2,273.

Rays at MARLINS, OVER. Willis v. Shields for 8.0, the night after the team's combined for 22. I think the bullpens get involved eventually, and make it ugly. 2,500 to win 2,336.

Indians at REDS, Indians and OVER. Jeremy Sowers probably isn't long for the rotation for Cleveland, but he's better than a 6.63 ERA, and Matt Belisle will get pureed by the Tribe hitters. The Reds bid for three in a row fails. 2,500 to win 2,049, and another 2,500 to win 2,294 on the 11 run OVER.

Sunday -- A 3-2 day, with the winners coming late, gives me a puncher's chance at $6K back. We're going all-in for Ball Number Three on...

Red Sox to beat DIAMONDACKS, with the OVER. This is Dice-K's first start against Arizona, and he strikes me as the kind of guy who does better with unfamiliarity. The Snakes start Randy Johnson, who usually gets cuffed around by the Bostonians. 10,000 to win 9,434 on the Sox, and 9,293 to win 8,081 on the 8-run OVER.

Wrap up... Sox lose and flail, killing me both ways. Bastards!

Top Ten Reasons Why Blacks Aren't Playing Baseball

Inspired, of course, by the fearless truth to power work of Gary Sheffield...

10. NFL just much more open to brothers being brothers

9. NBA gives blacks more opportunities to elbow foreigners

8. NHL has better and cheaper seat opportunities for friends and family

7. Jesus is ready for a new PGA favorite

6. NASCAR fans are clamoring for more black drivers

5. WWE gives you the chance to hang out with strippers in public without anyone making a big deal about it

4. Bud Selig tries to talk "jive" with black players, causing even more discomfort than usual

3. Arena Ball gives blacks their innermost, yet forbidden, joy -- the opportunity to listen to Jon Bon Jovi

2. Still pissed off about the whole Buck O'Neill thing

1. Barry Bonds

FTT's Gifts To Philadelphia Sports Fans

From the Associated Press...

Terrell Owens will get his $3 million roster bonus from the Dallas Cowboys even though, like several other starters, he hasn't been practicing with the team. Owens will get that bonus, plus a $5 million salary for the 2007 season, since he was still on the roster Friday, when he was again absent from voluntary organized team activities

Oh, Cowboy Fan. You thought the circus was bad *last* year, when Man Boobs Parcells gave a half-assed attempt to rein in the show? Just wait until this year, when TO isn't playing nice, and has another coach's pink slip under his belt. Oh, and he's also a year older, slower, and more prone to injury. Enjoy...

I don't want to be in a situation where I'm just going through the motions, letting everything be said about me. - Chris Webber

Chris? That's been the situation for, um, three years? No, wait, make it five. Oh, hell, ten. Wait, still not sure...

And, finally, this...

"Pretty ironic, isn't it?" said Victorino, who was born in Hawaii. "In the dugout, Wes Helms was saying it would be something if I won the game on the day my bobblehead was given out. It's funny how it happened. I got a good pitch and drove it out."

All we can say is that when this is your bobblehead...

and you hit a walk-off homer anyway, you're aces in our book. And we admire your commitment to shaving your legs.

Update - Jose "Joe Table" Mesa got the axe in Detroit, too. Hmm, with Gordon and Myers hurt, could the Phillies bring him back... and the day was going so well, too. Such is life for Philly Fan...

UPDATE - FTT Predicted The Future! We all welcome our Joe Table Overlords.

Bucket Post

Eh, I'd try to come up with a theme for this, but it's a bucket of slop, and you and I both know it. Tuck in.

> So the Magic *did* have a reason to can Brian Hill after all -- they wanted to pay a ton of money for a college coach whose weaknesses will be magnified by the pro game, while his strengths will be negated. We take back all of those mean things we said.

Ed. Note - What's this? Billy Donovan's pulling a Kobe!

> The Red Sox and the Yankees are playing baseball. Quick, everyone, pretend the Yankees are good! Or that when Scott Procter almost hits Kevin Youkilis, it's a big story!

> Clemens isn't making his start on Monday. A 45 year old pitcher turns out to be, how shall we say, not so durable. What are the odds? Such bad luck for the Yanks this year. Near Celtic-level bad luck, really...

> The Senators came back strong in Game Three, making their Stanley Cup series a 2-1 affair. We'd say more about this, but as FTT gets more interest than the NHL these days (provided, of course, that we put the words TITTY and TORTURE PORN in the entry), we just can't take the traffic hit.

Oh, what the heck. Let's double their site traffic. Everybody get down with some BLACK METAL WEDDING TORTURE PORN!



> Finally, some nice work from Double A manager Phillip Wellman. Given the amount of attention he's going to get from this, we're wondering what the next minor league manager looking for some media play will do. We hold out hope for the Slap Shot-style stripping move.

Five Quick Thoughts On Cavs-Pistons

1) Well, so much for the idea of a final close game this year. Yeesh.

2) When Rasheed Wallace was ejected and given a technical, Doug Collins on TNT went on for some length about how this meant that, if there was a Game 7, he'd be suspended.

I can't imagine that I was the only one who thought, "Um, Doug -- that's really not going to be a problem. Honest."

3) Give the devil his due -- Mike James *is* a coaching genius. His strategy to conceal his best point guard for most of the year, forcing Cavs fans to endure Hughes and Snow at the point, left Detroit with absolutely no film or idea on how to defend Daniel Gibson. He's a genius!

4) I, for one, can not wait to see Varaejo vs. Ginobili in a Flop Off. The resistable force meets the movable object!

5) Gregg Popovich gets to coach against one of his old assistants.

Somehow, we suspect he's sleeping soundly.

Spurs in five (only because the League and LeBron will insist on carrying at least one of their home games)...

The Carlos Zambrano Salary Drive Continues

Ed. Note -- Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano got into an altercation with his catcher, Michael Barrett, in yesterday's loss to the Braves.



In an FTT exclusive, here's what happened in the clubhouse. Watch if you must, but we warn you -- it's not pretty. Or in English.



In the words of Cubs manager / hall monitor Lou Pinella, "What the heck are we supposed to do?... I only have so many players I can play."

Ed. Note -- Ah, the Cubs are the gift that just keeps on giving.



Once again, FTT has the exclusive clubhouse footage of what happened off the field. Nice to see Mark Prior again, though...

Barry Bonds Ruined Everything

Dear Five Tool Fool,

It has come to our attention that your organization has failed to create the required amount of copy on the subject of Barry Bonds.

Please rectify immediately, as per the terms of your contract with Gawker Media, ESPN, and our secret corporate overlords, Google.

Failure to do will result, of course, in a garnishment of your wages.

Sincerely,

Will Leith
Secretary General of the Glorious International Kollektiv of Sports Bloggers

P.S. Stop emailing me, or I will release the commenter monkeys.



Dear Will Et Al,

I’m so sorry. Really, I am. It’s just that I’m starting a new job, and you know how I’ve been having issues with the drywall, and shouldn’t last night’s hand job to LeBron count towards my required quota of Extremely Obvious Topics?

No. Crap. Um, OK, here goes...

There are, of course, dozens of hypocrisies in the case of Barry Bonds – and I’d argue that the hypocrisies are what define him now, more than the numbers, more than the means, more than the circus. But the biggest and most central hypocrisy is this…

Team achievements matter more than individual ones.

That is no longer true, if it ever really was. And that, more than anything, is what helps to explain the seismic differences between Bonds Haters, Bonds Neutralists, and Bonds Fans. (The latter probably only exist in San Francisco now, but when the media pounds a black guy long enough, he develops a fan base among minorities. Barry is as black as OJ. But that’s a whole ‘nother column...)

A story you used to hear a lot was how people would feel bad for the long-suffering – oh, how they suffered – superstar on a bad team. Your team would be pounding the stuffing out of, say, the Atlanta Braves. Dale Murphy would hit a home run to cut the lead to five. The color analyst would go on about how everyone feels bad that a quality guy like Murph is on a team like this, losing 100+ games a year, but trying so hard… and you know, he’d trade those MVP awards and all those home runs to just be on a winner, you just know he would.



Which was probably bullshit, in that Murph probably enjoyed being paid. Sure, the losing was a drag, but that’s why they call it work, right?

Now, has anyhow ever made the Feel Bad For This God Among Flawed Men speech about Bonds, outside of the Bay Area?

For the majority of the latter days of his career in Atlanta and Milwaukee, Hank Aaron’s teams were like the team of Murphy. And yet, because he had The Record, his place in baseball history, his legacy, was more than secure. No one would remember the months of playing out the string, alongside teammates and behind pitching staffs who no one remembers. Quick, name the NL West division champion in 1974, the year Aaron broke the record. (Answer: LA, who lost to Oakland in the World Series. But I had to look it up.)

Bonds will be like that. No one, outside of Giants fans, will remember that on The Day Barry Broke The Record, Matt Morris and Kevin Correia (I’m just throwing out names of mediocrities here – feel free to substitute with any SF pitcher) gave up three homers in a 7-4 loss. Or that the team that he set the record on won 78 games. Or that despite all of his big numbers, he had only one positive playoff year. (OK, maybe the haters will remember that last one, but they will talk more about how his head was the size of a watermelon.)

Baseball media don’t talk about the best players who haven’t won a World Series… because who wins the World Series doesn’t really matter that much, unless it is your team that did it. (You do, of course, hear this kind of thing in football all the time about quarterbacks, or in the NBA about big scorers.)

Little wonder, then, especially in an era where fantasy sports eliminates the idea of the star player putting up numbers in an attention-free vacuum, that we gravitate to the One over the Team.

Little wonder, then, that people who still care more about teams – or, for that matter, winners and losers – are paying little to no attention to the Bonds Chase. It’s not just that he’s on the West Coast, folks.

(Sure, some tune out on the moral objection of Bonds being remarkably unpleasant and a cheat. But it’s not like baseball hasn’t had a million of those over the years. Bonds is just more talented than most, and had access to better chemicals. Ty Cobb would have injected infant bone marrow into his eyeballs in the on-deck circle if he thought it would have helped. Pete Rose, too. Willie Mays played until he was a shell of his former self – you think he wouldn’t have cut a corner to be better at the end? Again, this is a different column.)

Whether or not the rise of individual over team is a good thing is up to the individual fans. The natural instinct is to point at this and say how it’s the clearest reason why the whole world is going to Hell In A Handbasket. If you’re not inclined to think that way about changes in the world, you shrug and go back to checking you fantasy league roster.

For myself, I am mostly ambivalent about Bonds and the rise of the Individual over the Team – which is part of why there hasn’t been much on FTT about him. The people that he infuriates most are sportswriters, who are paid to be infuriated, and as a group, about as pleasant to deal with as Barry himself.

His Giants teams are on a treadmill to nowhere, and yet he makes them watchable, even if it’s in a Tyson-esque way. If he were to suffer a career-ending injury tomorrow, their season would be about as entertaining as that of the Kansas City Royals. I was in the Bay Area during 2005, when Bonds wasn’t playing due to injury. The team and its fans were like smack junkies going cold turkey. Determining whether Pedro Feliz is ever going to turn the corner – not quite as interesting as whether or not the all-time record is going to be set. So long as you’re not getting a playoff race, why not live in the sideshow?

As for Hell in a Handbasket... I have never enjoyed watching sports more than now, despite the lack of a championship for any of my favorite teams. I can’t imagine going back to a time when the only things I cared about were the plights of my favorite teams.

The toothpaste is out of the tube. We’re all league-wide fans now, and we’re all witnesses to history.

For our team, and for every other.

This LeBron Kid Is Pretty Good

In our quest to provide an entertaining sports blog, and because we're old and bitter and it's much easier to write about stuff that sucks then stuff that's great...

Well, if any of that contributed, in any way, to any of you choosing not to watch tonight's Cavs-Pistons game, we sincerely apologize.

Tonight, Detroit played its first (relatively) good game of the series. The Cavs, or at least the Cavs who don't have JAMES on the back of their jersey, scored 1 point in the last 16 minutes of the game. And won, because LeBron poured in 29, many of the Open Your Eyes Extra Wide and Use Your Hand To Raise Your Jaw variety.

LeBron's final line: 48 points, 9 boards, 7 assists. It was like watching a basketball version of "Kill Bill."

Now, Cleveland has spit the bit against this Pistons team before. Without James going into Uber Mode tonight, they play their worst game of the series and lose. Either of these coaches is capable of losing at any time -- tonight's game included a half dozen dazzling mistakes from both Saunders and Brown.

Having said all that, Cleveland *should* take care of business, especially if McDyess is suspended for his first quarter flagrant foul, and we all know how much the NBA enjoys suspending players for playoff games. They actually got something out of Hughes tonight, their bigs are just providing more energy, they've been the better team most of the series, they can close at home, and they have James. That last point being, really, the only one that matters.

This will lead people to believe that James can pull off a Wade-like performance in the Finals, go to the line 15 times a game, and create a series where there should be a wipeout. At the very least, it delivers us from Jar Jar, and gives people the Good v. Evil storyline of Messiah James vs. Mean Old Bruce Bowen.

Unfortunately, I can't imagine that happening, because I can't imagine the Spurs would defend James one on one, and let him get to the rim for two consecutive last minute dunks, in a close game.

Frankly, I'm having a hard time imagining the Pistons allowing that either, and I just watched it.

Also, if the Spurs made Mehmet Okur soil himself, what will they do to Drew Gooden, who isn't nearly as tough -- or Zydrunas Ilgauskas, who isn't as mobile? (Yes, we know the Spurs were 2-0 against the Pistons in the regular season, and 0-2 against the Cavs. We also know that Mike Brown's idea of a halftime adjustment involves a private moment and an elastic waistband.)

Anyway, Game 6 is Saturday in Cleveland, and as there has been five games and 290 minutes of basketball where neither team has had more than a 10-point lead, you should probably watch it.

Like tonight, you might see something astounding.

It also should be the last game of the year that's close.

Unless LeBron does something crazy, like score 29 out of the last 30 points...