Friday, March 30, 2007

This one goes out to...



the fans of the following MLB teams. (There are others, of course, but to go beyond five would be to cheapen the sentiment of a vomiting puppet.)

Royals
Pirates
Orioles
D-Rays
Nationals

Look at the bright side -- in six months, it'll be over. (And yes, this link is the first useful thing I've gotten from Bill Simmons in months. Grudging hat tip to his readers.)

Unfortunate



http://www.nj.com/sports/ledger/index.ssf?/base/sports-1/1175233508107850.xml&coll=1

For non-clickers -- Tom Coughlin just compared his treatment in the NY media last year to being on par with Adolph Hitler. No, really!

Here's the meat of the quote, from the Associated Press:

When he was asked at the NFC coaches breakfast by a football Web site reporter whether he paid attention to what was being said about him last season, Coughlin replied: "I hear some of it and I see it. You know (VP of communications Pat) Hanlon tells me about it, what's going on." Then, he paused, and said, "Hitler and then me, in that order. Unfortunate, but it is."

Five (Tool Tool) points from this...

1) The full 2007 NFL schedule has not yet been released, so we don't know yet if there will be a bi-coastal battle of the Coach Hitlers, aka Giants-49ers. Make it happen, NFL! THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

2) Can we stretch this analogy further? Cause we are so seeing Jeremy Shockey as Goebbels, Eli Manning as Goering, and Tiki Barber as Albert Speer. (We know our Nazis!)

3) Are any other Eagles fans ready to make Jerry Jones into Tojo and Daniel Snyder into Mussolini? E-mail your Photoshop works here. This is a *community* effort, people.

4) Did we inspire this with our Martin ("No one left to speak for me") Niemöller post about booing? We so totally did.

5) Who is the Leni Riefenstahl of the Giants? Not saying we're into the whole whips and leather boots and... um... we've probably said too much. (Photoshop Photoshop PhotoShop!)

Employee No. 22

"I'm just an employee." That was Mark Prior's response to his demotion to triple A by the Cubs yesterday. I don't know what is worse - his infantile approach to this, or the fact that he thinks he belongs on the Major League club.

Let's review some facts here:
1. You have yet to make it past the 4th inning in any game this spring.
2. Your fast ball has not reached 90 mph yet this spring and there is no movement on it.
3. You were 1-6 with a 7.21 ERA last year and on the DL most of it.
4. You were 5 outs from winning the World Series for the Cubs in 2003 but couldn't deliver.
5. You are never healthy and the Cubs cannot rely on you.
6. You had one great year - 4 years ago. You are 24-23 lifetime in all the other years.

The fact that you think you should be with the team is a joke. This is about your ego and not being able to deliver on it's enormous size. What happened to this quote you threw out a couple years ago:

"It's not about personal achievements or personal wins, it's about winning as a team."

Prior also threw out some witty sarcasm about making the Triple-A All-Star Game "and maybe the Futures Game." Sadly Mark, you have to have a future to make that team.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Middle Relief Mayhem

GTA4: FAQ - "UGIE'S MONEY"

Ugie wants you to get his money back by taking out five workers on his farm that he thinks have been stealing money from him. This mission requires you to use a flame thrower.

Find any car, and then jack it. Use the back roads to get to the farm, then pick up the flamethrower. Park in the circle near the workers to trigger the cut scene.

UGIE: Who has my money? You think you can steal from Ugie? You gonna burn!

At this point, the workers will scatter. Switch from the flamethrower to fists to run faster, then go left to get the first two. You can use the flame thrower when you get close, but it's easier to wound them with a machete or handgun, then finish them off when they are on the ground with the flame thrower. Just make sure to burn them, or the mission will fail.

After you've gotten the first three co-workers, you will be looking at least a two-star wanted level. Since this isn't a timed mission, you can go to the MLB Union Pay N' Spray to get it back to zero. Just be aware that after the fourth burning death, you will have four stars, and the Pay N' Spray will only work temporarily.

Despite the difficulty from the cops (and the 14-year penalty for failure will have you going back to your saved game), this is one of the most fun missions in GTA Venezuela, right up there with the Chavez Chevron missions for sheer hand-to-hand action. Watching the co-workers writhe, twist and scream in agony is a truly guilty pleasure. When you complete this mission, you get $1,000, Respect, and you unlock the El Guapo missions.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Not Sports: The FTT Pledge

After 8 more hours at the salt mine that we call our desk, plowing through way too much complete corporate bullshit, something in us snapped.

So we're going to go on a killing spree. Tri-state area, you've been warned (because, when killing, it's important to travel).

But before we put on the ski mask, we pledge the following:

1) We will not Change The Game.

2) There will be no Shifting of Paradigms.

3) Your Mindshare is your own.

4) There will be absolutely No Synergy.

5) This Is a Country. There are others.

6) Our podcast does not exist.

7) There will be no FTT 2.0.

8) We have no Mobile Play.

9) We do not care about your Long Tail.

10) Products will be placed elsewhere. Sometimes violently.

And yes, I work in marketing, and have no problems sleeping. (Clip below is Not Safe For Work, and from A Personal Hero.)

The Crying Game

You know it's March each year when the weather gets a little warmer, kids are on Spring Break and Roy Williams is crying at a press conference. Every year (except when he won in 2004 he didn't cry - strange) the same thing from "Ol Roy."

As a Kansas alum (full disclosure here), I'm a fan of what he has been able to accomplish as a coach. I hate the way he left KU after saying he was going to stay there, but that is another post entirely. What I could never stand was his need to cry after losing in the tourney ever year. It almost feels like a canned performance now. Same tears, same corny lines that nobody believes anymore. He needs a new speachwriter. Let me help you correct some of your tired lines from Sunday as you were Weepy Guy at the podium again Roy.

1. "I would give every cent I have right now for my team to be out there cutting down those nets and feeling those feelings that Georgetown’s players are feeling." Really? You would give away all your money, putting your family's security at risk, just so you could go to the Final Four with this team? Um, yeah. Make sure you at least keep a bag full of dimes so you can still buy that Coca-Cola you love so much. Next time try this line:

"Man it hurts when you lose. I really wish this group of guys could feel how great it is to go to the Final Four. This is very dissapointing for all of us." There - believable.
2. "We just didn’t make enough shots down the stretch today." This is an area that Roy has always been similar to Coach K in - giving blame without being completely direct about it. It's never his fault for blowing a 10, 15 or 20 point lead by adjusting his game plan, the players just didn't execute that plan well enough. More example from Sunday:

"We took one three across from our bench that I thought was guarded."

"...we came down and got a wide open three and I didn’t even want it because it was so early in the shot clock but it missed and all of a sudden they dunk it on the other end..."
"I was not ecstatic with a couple of the shots."
"I don’t think there was a single play that I diagrammed to intentionally take a three. It was a second or third option. "

OK, Roy, we get it. You're players didn't execute, it couldn't have been your game plan or lack of adjusting it. But instead of indirectly throwing them under the bus, how about this?
"I think we could have executed a little better, and I think I could have adjusted to the game better as well. We'll learn from this and I expect great things from us next year if all these kids come back."

3. "You know, I said I would give almost anything, and I mean that, to have my guys out there, but I’ll take coaching these kids. We lost, and I wouldn’t trade my kids for anybody."

Come on, Roy, nobody is buying the gosh shucks Huckleberry Hound routine anymore. You "traded" your players at KU when you went to UNC. Save it. And the crying. Enough already. Yes your team worked hard, your staff worked hard, you worked hard, but to cry every year? Try this next year to explain the real reason you're crying.

"Now I have to go explain to Dean why we lost again."

Now buck up and go have a Coke.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Utterly Worthless MLB Predictions

AL East - Yanks, Sox (WC), Jays, O's, Rays.

AL Central - Chicago, Cleveland, Minny, Detroit, Kansas City.

AL West - Oakland, Texas, Angels, Mariners.

NL East - Philly, Mets (WC), Marlins, Braves, Nats.

NL Central - St. Louis, Cincy, Chicago, Houston, Milwaukee, Pittsburgh.

NL West - LA, Padres, Rockies, D-Backs, Giants.

Playoffs: Dodgers over Phils, Mets over Cards, Dodgers over Mets. Chicago over Yanks, A's over Sox, Chicago over A's. Dodgers over Chicago.

AL MVP - A-Rod (bounce-back year, Jeter gets hurt)
NL MVP - Poo Holes
AL Cy Young - Johan
NL Cy Young - Carpenter
AL ROY - Delmon Young
NL ROY - Chris Young

Post your own in the comments, or not.

Watchoo Talkin 'Bout Willis?

Peter Gammons has taken some time off from his usual biased Red Sox updates to create some conspiracy news of his own. Gammons claims (without any sources or facts to back up these claims) on his latest ESPN blog that the 2002 MLB All-Star game ending in a tie because one of the pitchers was in the clubhouse drinking and couldn't pitch. Here is the text from his blog:


"One of baseball's silliest notions is to pretend the All-Star exhibition "means" something, more than the price ticket holders spend in September, when games should be more important than something no one cares about. As it turns out, the reason the 2002 All-Star Game ended up tied was that a pitcher on one of the two teams was imbibing in the clubhouse and was not in condition to pitch, hence the game ended.

And that's how home-field advantage is decided in the World Series, not by regular-season excellence. But then again, what owner thinks about the guys who spend their money on tickets?"

After checking the box score from the 2002 All-Star Game there were 19 pitchers who played in the game. Looking at the rosters for both leagues, there were exactly 19 pitchers. So who was this mystery pitcher who was throwing down suds in the clubhouse and couldn't play? Unless Gammons is thinking this is a little league game where players can come back in after they've left, he's completely wrong with his above blog statement.

Peter - what's the scoop here? Seems pretty inaccurate to me. But then again, what writer thinks about the guys who read their columns?
UPDATE: Gammons blog now has the statement about the All-Star game. However, there is no mention as to why it is down, and Peter hasn't answered any of the messages about it in the comment section of his blog. And he thinks owners only care about themselves.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Suckitude Round-Up

1) Testy tells teammates that he wants to retire at season's end to spend more time with his family.

We don't know Testy's family, but... um... he's 6'-7", 245, with a history of, well, being Ron Artest. Has anyone asked the family what they want?

2) In the same day, Raffy Furcal goes off on a cart, Chone Figgins is out six weeks with fractured fingers, Joel Piniero loses the job to Jon Papelbon, FTT gets crushed in the Battle of the Blogs, and the Post Office loses our tax info.

Yeah, it's been that kind of week.

3) Joe Theismann, out, at MNF, to be replaced with Ron Jaworski.

What will you remember most? Me neither.

4) Peyton Manning hosted SNL, and it had a good moment.

We are talking about, of course, the United Way spoof where The Good Manning wounds children, tries to boost a car, and talks about how he treats snitches. We, of course, did not watch; SNL is what YouTube is for. (And the ability to include a YouTube clip was what a more competent blog is for, until NFL Adam gave up the knowledge.)



5) The Final 4 involves UCLA (Yay, Bill Walton is hap... oh crap), Georgetown (who the 'Cuse, of course, *OWNED*), Florida (what, again?), and THE Ohio State Annoyance.

And we're supposed to root for who?



P.S. from MediaWeek... The Peyton Manning-hosted Saturday Night Live on March 24 earned the show’s highest household rating in more than 10 months in the metered markets, averaging a 5.9 rating and 15 share.

In the Indianapolis market, where Manning plays for the NFL Colts, the show averaged a 23.0 rating and 49 share, four times SNL’s average in the market during the recent February sweeps.

Friday, March 23, 2007

They Shoot Gamblers, Don't They?

On the first day of the Battle of the Blogs, the Truth did FTT proud and jumped out to a big lead.

Unfortunately, he's shown the staying power of a pimply 15-year-old getting to second base with a crack whore.

Tonight's 0-for-3 debacle dropped us back to 22nd, 19K points behind the leaders. The saddest part? There are only 33 entrants in the contest.

We were going to go all Big Stein on him, but we're pretty sure he's got bigger problems than us, from people who watch "The Sopranos" for research. But that doesn't mean you can't clean your shoes on what's left of his face in the comments.

In short, and in our native tongue: BOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Update -- The Truth has decided to Go Big or Go Home by putting our whole bankroll on tonight's games. Home is a 7-point favorite.

Further Update -- 6-2 night brings us back to 5th. We always believed in you, Truth, but just to not lose the momentum.... BOOOOOOOOO... THOSE 2 LOSSES SHOWED NO HEART... BOOOOOOO....

Final Update -- A brutal final day takes us from 5th to 21st, and deader than Duke. I blame the media.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Half Truth

It's time for round two of the Battle of the Blogs NCAA hoops tourney. Unfortunately The Truth told lies or "half truths" last week. After starting out 16-5 after the first day, The Truth went on a 14-14-2 run the next three days and lost his huge lead. The Truth felt worse than Adam Morrison and his porn stache getting bounced from the tourney last year.

But do not despair seekers of The Truth. More games coming our way tonight. In order to avoid a Big Stein moment here, The Truth will be back in the running after tonight's games.

On a side note, check out The Truth's least favorite coach's My Space page. His card is American Express you know.

2007's Promotional Giveaways

Mon. April 9 -- Opening Night - Commemorative Cap Snafflers

Sat. April 28 -- Truth Bobble Wallet

Sat. May 12 -- Adopt a Methadone Addict Day

Tues. May 15 -- Knit Condoms (12 and under)

Sun. June 3 - Smallpox Blankets

Sat. June 16 -- Shot Glasses (12 and under)

Sun. July 8 - Build-A-Baby (Women only)

Sat. Aug 4 - Drunk Guy Fireworks (oh, the drama!)

Tues. Aug 28 -- DMtShooter Beanie Adult

Sun. Sep. 16 -- FTT Belt Hat

Sun. Sep. 30 -- Singular Fan Appreciation Moment

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Not Sports: Pimping You Hos

(Item: Kevin Federline has launched his own search engine, Searching With Kevin.com.

The remainder of this column was written by the Snarker6 WriterBot, as lead writer DMtShooter is in the hospital from a severally exploded cranium.)

http://publications.mediapost.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=Articles.san&s=57331&Nid=28489&p=217200

As FTT continues to grow in stature (witness our early domination of the Battle of the Blogs, our page view climbs into the severals, and the upcoming debut of dubiously anonymous comments), the challenge of monetizing the site's traffic continues to build.

As we are an interactive community, by which we mean you get to interact with our brilliance, we put it to you, the reader -- how do you want us to pimp you bitches

1) "Girls Gone Wild" adware

2) "Targeted" keyword ad banners that put the Ummm in Umbarrassing

3) Bukake pop-ups

4) E-mail contest registration for NAMBLA cross-promotion

5) Indentured servitude at the FTT Manse (Dammit, these julips aren't going to make themselves!)

6) Mandatory use of the FTT Search Engine (hint: it only brings back page entries from FTT-Approved Blogs -- so Battle of the Blog competitors, you *know* what to do in the Sweet Sixteen)

Vote early and often in the comments. (And if you're outraged by any of these proposals, please take it up with Our Google Overlords, who bought Blogger, which hosts FTT... and your comments... and your last 24 months of search results. All hail the Overlords!)

Monday, March 19, 2007

Our Actual Fantasy Baseball Team


Serpentine draft, 5x5 H2H league, drafting first.
C - VMart (2)
1B- Poo Holes (1)
2B - Porn Stache Kent (11)
SS - Raffy DUI Furcal (4)
3B - Chone "Shawn" Figgins (3)
1B/3B - NickJo (17)
OF - Torii Spelling Hunter (8)
OF - Eating Raul Ibanez (10)
OF - Nick Markakis Express (14)
Util/Bench - Dave "Bob" Roberts (15)
Util/Bench - Kevin "Greek God of STFU" Youkilis (20)

SP - Jeremy "Dumb As A Bag Of" Bonderman (5)
SP - John "Old Man" Smoltz (6)
RP - JJ Putz (7)
RP - Tom "Hot Flash" Gordon (9)
P - AJ "Hurt" Burnett (12)
P - Jason "Hurt" Isringhausen (13)
P - Ted "Idiot" Lilly (16)
P - Kei "Poor Man's Dice" Igawa (18)
P - Failed Closer Joel Piniero (19)
P - Anibal "Dirty" Sanchez (21)

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Massholes

http://sports.espn.go.com/nba/news/story?id=2803589


(For non-clickers: The Celtics acknowledge they've been fined $30K for "excessive contact" with the family of prized UTexas frosh and likely #1 pick Kevin Durant.)

Now, Danny Ainge is spooning with Durant's mom during the Big 12 tournament. Just remember, folks -- the draft isn't fixed, and everybody thinks Boston is adorable. Honest.

Does anyone from New England (and what the hell is up with that? It's been there for 400 years now -- how is it still New?) wonder why the rest of the country hates them, or has it penetrated even their colossal myopia?

FTT hates to sound like a broken record, but here's a short list of Beloved Massholes that the rest of the country, um, doesn't really like. Just so you're aware.
1) Larry Bird. Great player, fantastic cheapshot artist, and even better at whining to the refs. We didn't just hate him because he was good, honest.

(FTT's childhood was spent playing Bird vs. Erving, and only giving up the game when Doc won 256-0, with Bird shooting a perfect 0% from the floor, because Doc blocked every shot he took, or stolen the ball before he could get it off. Larry also had a bit of a problem shaking the glass out of his hair, as Doc broke the backboard 25 times on him. Hard day for Larry.)
2) Bill Belichick. Classless in defeat, the world revolves around him, showed no signs of competence while toiling in Cleveland, and dresses like a homeless guy.

When the Pats play the Ravens, how do they fit the egos of Belichick and Billick in the same stadium? Good thing neither team plays in a dome.
3) Pedro Martinez. Even the Massholes will now concede that he's a first-class prima donna who couldn't save Grady Little from himself, since he's, um, not on the team anymore. Even on fumes, a true ace gets an out or two in a clutch situation.
Wait for a similar awakening for Entry #4 in another two years, after he's cashing a check to play in AAAA (the NL)...

4) Curt Schilling. Look, it's not the talking that bothers us -- we actually like it when athletes don't answer every question in Tiger Woodsbot fashion. It's the relentless drama of it all.

The Sock of Turin, the Look At Me! Towel Antics in '93, the Bush Appearances in 2004 (how's that working out for you, big man? Still standing by Our President?)... well, let's just say we don't know how his head is smaller than Bonds. We will also lay even money that by mid-May, his blog (no, we're not giving you a link) will be a flamefest in comments from Massholes who are bent by his 4.5 ERA. And wasn't he supposed to mentor Young Josh Beckett into greatness?

5) Bill Simmons. For reasons that have been previously stated, on literally dozens of Web sites, with more of them seeming to catch on every day.

(Special Bonus Massholes: Mitt "I will protect a woman's right to choose... until it is no longer advantageous for me to do so" Rommney and John "Donate to my campaign, so that me and my billionaire wife can keep tens of millions of dollars of the money for no good reason" Kerry. FTT is bipartisan in its hate!)

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Truthiness


So far, so good. Does The Truth lie? I think not.

Check out these standings. Can I please get some competition? Am I asking too much?

March Sadness

That is for all you suckers out there that think they can handle The Truth.


I've been asked to pick games for Five Tool Tool. And rightfully so. This will be easier than suckering Isiah Thomas into a bad trade. Pick games against other bloggers who think they know something about college hoops? They'd have an easier time as Britney Spears next PR handler than beating me.

Here's the deal - unlike filling out a bracket and seeing what happens, this contest is about betting on games - against the spread, straight up and over unders. Everyone starts out with 100,000 points. Let me save everyone the trouble now. Quit. You don't want The Truth. You can't handle The Truth.

While you're picking the trendy Winthrop and Old Dominion to be the Cinderellas of this years tourney, I'll be counting your money in my winnings and leaving you with Cinderella's ugly step sisters.

You've been warned. The Truth has spoken.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Potpourri For $100, Alex

1) Pete Rose says he bet on the Reds every night. 3 points...

a) An entire generation of sports fans will know Pete Rose only for this. Nice legacy, Pete.

b) Every night? Even when "Boom Boom" Tommy Hume was taking the mound? Pete didn't have a gambling problem. He had a brain problem.

c) The real reason he said this? Because by claiming to bet on the Reds every night, he's clinging to the hope that people will think this wasn't a big deal. Pete, FTT gives you 7-to-2 that ship has sailed. Did you bet the same amount every night, with the same guy? If not, did you manage the bullpen a little differently on the light night?

That's why gambling is worse than roids, drugs, and Bud Selig. As in 1919...

2) Phil Jackson claims the NBA is out on a witch hunt for Kobe "Elbows" Bryant.

First off, he's probably right. Reggie Miller did stuff like this for, oh, 15 years, with no issues.

Secondly, we love it when the Zen Guy goes all obvious with his media manipulation. It's this kind of genius that has got all of those rings on his fingers. Plus hanging out with Jordan, Shaq and Kobe. That helped, too.

Third and last, which foreign guard will he get next? Our money is on Leandro Barbosa, only because he's scared of Raja Bell.

3) 10,000 slots are open for World Series of Poker.

Good grief, people. FTT likes a nice friendly neighborhood game as much as the next guy, but please -- you are not athletes, no one should care, and if you're watching this, don't you have gutters to clean?

FTT remembers a time when you actually had to work for a living, rather than win a karaoke contest, be the biggest jerkface on an island, or win the endurance ass-sitting and lying session. (Not like us, of course. We've *earned* that massive ad campaign and clothing line. Yahtzee!)

4) A-Rod wants to stay in New York...

and... zzz.... um, he does know that no one outside of New York could give a flying fuck at a rolling donut, right? No, of course not.

FTT wants A-Rod to go Steve Carlton on us, and would be happy to contribute to a fund, managed by a dozen Illuminati Jewish bankers in Zurich, to make it happen.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Beware Of The Blogs

We don't like to usually point this out to you, Gentle Reader, but FTT is Better Than You.

Now, we don't just expect you to take something like that lying down; we expect you to take it on all fours, which is altogether different.

But here's the proof: We've been invited into a sports bloggers only NCAA basketball competition.

And unless you are one of the dozens of other people who got spammed like this, you are not. Hence, the graphic.

"But FTT!" you say, as we indulgently allow you to hypothetically speak. "You've never even written about college basketball, other than to say that you don't know squat about it. What you know about college basketball could fit in a Japanese condom!"

To which we can only reply, "You sad, racist, and under-endowed peons."

When the going gets tough, the tough hire professionals. So we are proud to introduce our ringer for this exercise. You may have read his Truthy comments; you may have even lost money to him on a poker table. his steely eyes saying, "Hey, it's OK. I've taken your money. You can keep your wife. I don't allow animals in my house."

He is The Truth, and if you are very, very lucky, he may even favor you with the rationale behind his picks. Even Mean Old Grandpa Carl craps his pants in the presence of The Truth. (OK, so that's not exactly an exclusive set.)

Truth will be making the picks, and DMtShooter will be doing what he does best -- insulting the weak and worthless competition until they go all-in on Drexel and Syracuse.

Together, we will rule Antarctica.

Let the pigeons loose!

Monday, March 12, 2007

Thank You, Gods of Comedy

http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/news?slug=ap-knicks-thomas&prov=ap&type=lgns

For the non-clickers... the Knicks just re-upped Isiah to a multi-year extension.

MSG, the sports bloggers of America are in your debt.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Top 10 Signs You've Bought A Crappy Baseball Annual

10. Over 15 closers are classified as "top," including Octavio Dotel in Kansas City

9. Their idea of a fearless pan prediction is to cast doubt on Ray Durham

8. Participants in their mock draft leave comments like, "I really wanted to take a running back early"

7. Pedro Martinez is prized for his durability

6. Oriole SPs are ranked high, because Year 2 is when the Mazzone Magic really kicks in

5. Their big unknown sleeper pick is Boston's Daisuke Matsuzaka

4. Colorado SPs are ranked well, because (shh!) Coors is no longer a hitter's park

3. Prior and Wood: This is the year they'll be healthy

2. Expert draft strategy: Cornering the market on catchers

1. Their World Series winner is the Cubs

Bonus: Instead of sportsbook ads with slutty models, they're running the graphic above...

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

FTT Welcomes "Warm Meat" Steve Austin, Our New Robot Hybrid Uber-Athlete Overlord

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/6425927.stm

(Summary for non-clickers: The South Korean government is drawing up an ethical code of conduct for human-robot relations.)

Seeing this in close proximity to yet another Bonds Update caused a mash-up in our little meat heads. To wit, when does a mechanically-enhanced human make the bigs, and how would it all play out?

You could make the argument that Lasix surgery already has breached this area, and prior to that, all kinds of surgeries. Many pitchers have reported getting a little more velocity on the fastball following the Tommy John procedure, not that the gain outweighs the risk.

So let's imagine, in the too-short time that technology is racing past us Bags O' Meat, an MLB player who loses an appendage, and has it replaced with something (gasp!) better than before. And for probably more than six million dollars, man.

If/when this happens, we predict the following:

1) To a certain percentage of the populace, it'll be fine, so long as he's white / non-Muslim / AMERICAN. U-S-A-B-O-R-G!

2) Warm Meat will get endorsement deals and Inspirational Story coverage from a media that's afraid of appearing insensitive to the prosthetically-enabled, regardless of whether Warm Meat is an ass or not. (Many war vets will love him.)

3) A scrappy David Eckstein-type teammate will get big press ups for daring to tease Warm Meat about his device, because, dammit, this is what Guys Do.

4) Several years later, other athletes will be outed as hybrids. (You're telling us Tiger Woods is 100% Meat? Excuse us while we laugh in menacing binary code. 00001111001010101010101010.)

5) Headline writers will rejoice, as years of hacky jokes will be at their fingertips. In the future, we will *all* hate Isaac Asimov.

6) Five years after Warm Meat is terminated due to product obsolescence, various Hall of Fame meat bags will refuse to put him on the first ballot, because of The Implant. They will die in mysterious household accidents before the next year of voting.

7) FTT's writing duties will be passed off to Snarker6, a formulaic writerbot who will inevitably write in hacky joke lists before going off to drink, alone.

Snarker6 does not need your pity.

Monday, March 5, 2007

Awful Fantasy Team Names For Girls

Are you (really) a girl in a fantasy baseball league? Then, by all means, take advantage of FTT's special wince-inducing list to make the boys in the league shudder in horror.

As always, all names fit in the 20 character limit. And good luck in your league, toots!

Vagina Dentatas

Ball Breakers

PMS Achievers

Uncooked Furburgers

Hairy Mother-In-Laws

Smells Like Fish

Full Body Brazilians

Discount Tampons

Payback Enema

Spreading The Yeast

Sunday, March 4, 2007

Overhead this week at our methadone clinic

1) Jake Plummer retires, rather than take the relo to Tampa Bay.


Leaving us all with the what-if theoretical exercise of who he would have lost the job to -- Garcia, Simms, or Gradkowski. (And if there was a way to bet the over on number of Buc QBs to take a snap in 2007, we'd take the over. Does Gruden still have Brad Johnson's phone number?)

2) Gosh, a lot of NFL guys got paid this week.

And if you're one of those people that get all bent / excited by this kind of thing, you need more of a life, really. Beyond the idea that every league should actually have an off-season, there's this... NFL guys get hurt like crazy. Last year, the Browns thought they had their offensive line all cleaned up by signing LeCharles Bentley... and he's never played a down for them, following a knee injury.

So you'll have to forgive FTT for not getting all bent out of shape by these. We've watched the Redskins win March every year for the Dan Snyder era. They're real good at it.

3) Daisuke Matsuzaka's gyroball devastates college players.

We remember last year, when this was named Josh Beckett. And, um, WTF are they thinking with Joel Piniero as the big RP signing? They'll be hoping Keith Foulke can come out of retirement by June.

4) Class-action lawsuit filed against Boris Diaw by his fantasy league owners.

Well, no, not really. But if that astronaut diaper chick wants to branch out, we'll chip in for her gas.

5) ESPN televises Arena League Football.

On the one hand, it's a pointless train wreck between basketball and football, where 50 points is the mark of a strong defense, and two players in the history of the exercise have managed to actually make it into the league.

On the other, there are literally dozens of insufferable NFL announcers that don't cover it, and ESPN hasn't decided to destroy it yet with crossover entertainment inanity. Hmm...

6) Bud Selig wants you to suck his Dish.

We had the Dish before our last move, and might get it again some day: we're no fan of the cable expereience, and it's always nice to encourage some actual competition. But MLB's "cut 'em off at the sac" policy of moving from a cable package to the dish-only is just one more reason why Bud Selig deserves every moment of the lifetime of torment that waits him in the next place. (That place being a methadone clinic in Hoboken. Word gets around in FTT's elite circles.)

7) March Madness.

Is our school in it? Cool. How about some from our local area? OK, we'll root for them, too. Is the tourney wide open? Oh, like never before! Can't you just feel the excitement?

Will FTT join your pool, or give you insightful analysis that helps you win? No and no. As Mean Old Grandpa Frank would say, know your limits. Punk.

Our Way Of Life Is Threatened

When they came for the high school fans
I remained silent;

I did not go to high school games.

When they silenced those who mocked the WNBA

I remained silent;

Because I didn't give a damn.

When they came for the people at the Olympics

I did not speak out;

But hoped only for more kneecappings.

When they came for me,

there was no one left to speak out.

Friday, March 2, 2007

Top 5 Greg Maddux Inspired Fantasy Team Names

http://sportsyenta.blogspot.com/2007/03/this-will-in-no-way-come-back-to-haunt.html

Summary -- Greg Maddux, 300-game winner, top 10 all-time starting pitcher, and now borderline starting pitcher for the San Diego Padres, is said to keep teammates loose with practical jokes that include, we shit you not, targeted urination in the shower.

The FTT List, delivered with sloppy speed...

5. Smells Like Mad Dog

4. Working The Corners

3. Old Man Incontinence

2. Low Piss Count

1. Gold Glove And Shower

P.S. Chicks Dig The Long Piss is just too many characters.

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